Author: Kay Krause

Full moon tonight. I have been feeling the energy of this one for several days. There will also be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Double power tonight! Ground well and ride the waves that are coming.

I got an email from the crisis hot line this morning that they were getting slammed with calls. I’m not surprised as the Sunday after Thanksgiving was always the hardest day of the year at the store. Too many people didn’t have the Norman Rockwell vision of Thanksgiving with a loving family. They are out of their routine and the stress of being up close to their family for several days is getting to them. Add to that the additional stress Christmas brings and people are reaching their maximum coping skills this time of year.

I handled several calls. One was an 18-year-old that was suicidal. I was able to talk him down to a calm and we came up with a plan that he agreed to. When I get a call like that I feel really good about the work I am doing. I will never know what happens to him but for the moment he was in a better place than when he called in.

I was a bit disappointed in my supervisor though. I flagged her that I had a hot call and she responded she was reading through it. 15 minutes later I checked in with her to see if she was still there as she hadn’t sent any other responses. She finally engaged with me and together we helped the client. I don’t know if she was reading what I was saying and thinking I was on track or if she got busy with other calls and forgot about me. Either way it felt a bit distressing to be alone with such a hot case. In the end it worked out so all is well.

Jim is in town getting his KS driver’s license. I trust it will go well and he won’t have to go back with another document of some sort. He was going to run a few errands while he is in town. Some time this week he needs to get his Honda Element tagged in KS so he can drive it to OK and drive back his Mazda and get it tagged. Moving into a new state brings with it a set of complications that one has to work through. Jim tends to procrastinate on those type of things.

We heard back from his insurance provider and have him set up for medical, dental, and prescription coverage for 2021. Feels good to have that done. I need him to make a call so we can get one more task completed with his benefits and then we can cross that off our list of things to take care of.

It is sunny but cold on the prairie today. Only going to reach the mid 40’s. Jim did chicken chores for me this morning so I didn’t have to get out in the cold. He loves watching the chickens race out of the coop and search for the oats he throws out for them.

I didn’t sleep much again last night. Wondering if it is the effect of the moon that is causing me not to be able to sleep for the last couple of nights. If so, maybe after tonight I will be able to crash and sleep good for a change. I have a touch of a headache today but am thinking it is because I am a bit sleep deprived.

Did some on-line Christmas shopping today. I have three more people taken care of off my list. Jim still hasn’t given me a list nor has Ellexia. Tagen sent his list so I will get something off of it ordered for him later. I have yarn ordered to make another gift and know what to order for one other person. Jim and Ellexia are my last problem gifts. Once they tell me what they want I can get finished up. Did I mention I hate shopping and giving gifts. I have never felt I was good at it.

Grateful for being able to talk a suicidal person down to calm today, grateful Jim is running errands for me today, and grateful I am almost done with my Christmas shopping.

My son-in-love asked me if I had ever made Potato Candy. I had never heard of it. He sent me a recipe and I googled it and tried making it today. You boil a potato and then put the potato in a mixing bowl along with a stick of butter. You keep adding powdered sugar until the dough is stiff enough to form into a ball. You chill the dough for a bit and then roll it out until it is 1/4 inch thick. Spread peanut butter on top of it and then roll it up like you are making cinnamon rolls. Cut into thin slices. Jim tried it and said it was very sweet. I don’t eat sugar so I didn’t try it. Jim has to go to town tomorrow to get his KS driver’s license so will take it to Tim.

Next time I make it I will use less potato and not make it so thick. It cracked some when I rolled it out and I don’t think it is supposed to. I also didn’t know I was to let the potato cool completely before I mixed it. Not sure I will make it again but good to know just in case.

We had our family Zoom call this afternoon. It didn’t go too bad even with several not having been on Zoom before. We came up with our Christmas plan. Each family is buying gifts for the four grandkids and all the adults exchanged names via Nicole arranging that. Since we are shipping we decided on drawing names to reduce shipping expenses to four other families. We set December 26 as our day to Zoom again and we will take turns opening presents on the Zoom call. Not ideal but the best we can do in these times.

It was nice to have all the family together at the same time. Unfortunately Michelle was sleeping and couldn’t get on the call and Dylan was working. Maybe in December we can get everyone together.

I tried taking a nap this afternoon but really didn’t sleep much. It felt good to stretch out anyways and snuggle under a warm blanket. I have been cold all day today. I slept hard early for about three hours last night, then I was up for about four hours and finally got a second sleep of two hours. Maybe tonight will be the night I sleep hard all night long.

I fixed a beef stew for dinner tonight. It made the house smell good all afternoon while it was cooking. I am doing a better job at cutting down the amount that I make. We only have enough left over for my lunch tomorrow and then maybe the next day. Need to decide what to fix for tomorrow night. It is the biggest decision of the day!

I need to check my grocery list and see if I need to have Jim stop while he is in town tomorrow to pick some things up. I don’t think there is much of anything urgent on the list.

Nothing on the calendar for this week. Fixing dinner each night is the only thing I have to do. I need to find a big project to work on. Almost wish I could find a job that I could do from home. I do better when I have projects and stay busy. When my yarn comes in I have several knitting projects to work on as they are all Christmas presents.

Feeling a bit blue tonight. After seeing the kids it makes me realize how much we are missing by not being able to gather. Christmas is a blue time of the year for me and I feel it starting. I’m sure something will happen that will pull me out of this – it always does.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I got up and took another hot bath. While I was in my big soaker tub I looked out the window and got to see a moon set. I have seen them before out here on the prairie but it is rare that I catch them. The moon will be full tomorrow so it was nice and big. It was a magical few moments as I soaked in the tub and watched the moon set. I always feel so blessed and lucky when I catch them.

Grateful for the Zoom call with my kids today, grateful we made Christmas plans, and grateful to have made a new to me Christmas treat – Potato Candy.

Made cinnamon rolls and took a pan to Jason and to Michelle’s house. I saw Tagen and Ellexia for a hot minute but didn’t get to see any of Jason’s family. The house sure smells good from them baking in the oven. I love cinnamon on most everything.

Took three calls on the hot line last night before I got tired. Lots of stressed out people in the world right now. Not everyone has a loving family to spend the holidays with. Lots of family arguments and conflicts going on right now. I’m sure the virus situation is compounding it. Glad people have a way to reach out for some support when things go from bad to worse at home.

It reached 57 today before it started to cloud up and start to cool back down. Only going to be in the 40’s tomorrow and most of the week. There is even a chance for some snow later in the week. We need moisture so I will take it however we can get it. The ponds are very low going into winter.

The chickens have spent most of the day outside today. They must know it is going to get cold and they won’t be able to be out so much. They are finally starting to grow in their combs and waddles so am hoping they will be laying before too long. If they get started laying before it gets below freezing and stays there for a couple of days they will lay all winter. But if they don’t get started laying before it gets cold and stays cold for several days they won’t start laying until almost spring. It makes doing chores so much more fun when you can pick up eggs when you go down to the coop.

Ordered supplies to make a Christmas gift yesterday. Hopefully the supplies will get here soon so I can get it made as I have to mail it. I know what I want to get for another person so have two people taken care of on my list. Two down and how many to go? Yuck! Can’t get out of the grandkids what they want this year.

The kids and I are going to Zoom tomorrow afternoon. That should be fun. There will be 14 people on the call if everyone can be there so it may get interesting. I sure missed seeing everyone for Thanksgiving. My favorite days are when all the kids come home on the same day. Not sure when we can make that happen again. Maybe Zoom will help fill the hole in my heart.

We are having fish for dinner. I am having a piece of grilled salmon and Jim is having beer battered fish filets. He will have some tator tots with his and we will both have some veggies. It will be another simple meal to fix. Now to think of something to fix for tomorrow night. I love to cook – as long as someone tells me what to fix. The deciding what to fix part trips me up daily. May fix a beef stew for tomorrow as it is to be cloudy and cold.

For some reason I have been thinking about my mom today. I have felt her presence all day. She was always so busy during the holiday time baking, cooking and making sure everyone had a good Christmas. I still don’t know how she managed everything she did.

Grateful to get to see Tagen and Ellexia for a hot minute today, grateful I can take calls on the hot line again, and grateful for my mom and all the memories I have of her.

A non-productive day so far. I can’t think of anything I have gotten done yet. I did do chores and putting the lid on the watering container didn’t go well. I had a headache before I went down to the coop and it was throbbing by the time I came back up. I put myself in time-out and took a two hour nap. The headache is gone and I am in a better mood. That was easy!

I took five calls on the hot line last night. Two were suicidal clients, one client didn’t engage, and the other two were teenage problems. It does feel good to spend two or three hours a day being useful to someone else again. I only took one call at a time. We had clients waiting but somedays I can handle two at a time and some days I can’t. I don’t want to overwhelm myself and put pressure on myself and burn out again.

Still haven’t finished my Christmas cards although I am getting close. Another couple nights of working on them and most will be ready to go. I am putting together a new address book of sorts so I don’t have to look up addresses every time I want to send someone a note. I didn’t put them in any sort of order so may go back and alphabetically arrange it when I get done with my cards. I need to add phone numbers and email addresses if I have those with it too.

We had a nice dinner last night. The steaks were cooked perfectly. Not sure it ever felt like Thanksgiving to me but that is OK. Zooming with Jim’s sons and their partners was fun. Made us miss them though. Damn COVID! We will so appreciate being able to visit friends and family even more when this is all over.

I have some hamburger thawed out for dinner tonight but not sure what I am going to do with it. Since it is fairly nice out I may just grill burgers. It will be too cold soon to do so and I love burgers from the grill. Add a nice veggie and dinner is done. It almost feels like cheating to me though as it is such an easy meal.

I ordered a heating pad for my chicken’s metal watering cans today. I am so tired of fighting with the plastic bucket’s lid and getting water splashed on my legs. I also ordered a gadget that automatically turns the light and heater on when the temperature falls below 35. Sometimes we unplug it on nice days and forget to get it plugged back in before dark. When that happens the chickens don’t all go back into the coop at night and we have to catch them and put them in when we lock up the coop.

I checked with the grandkids to see if they needed treats. One said yes and the other said no. Guess I get to decide. Not sure what they want this time. Not sure if they need treats. If the mood hits I may bake something. I have been in the mood to make cinnamon rolls so may make those tomorrow and take a pan to the kiddos and a pan to Jason. I can cut a few out of each pan for Jim.

Need to go down to my yarn stash and get yarn to start making blankets. It is cool enough now that I can have a heavy blanket on my lap while I knit. I do better when my hands stay busy. They make nice Christmas presents too. I have some home spun yarn that someone is sending me with a request for me to knit some hats. That will be fun to do – I love knitting with real home spun yarn.

Jim and I are trying to figure out how to help our neighbors that may be hungry. We keep seeing in the news the amount of people that are visiting food banks for the first time and how at least 1 out of 8 families are in a food insecure time. I prefer doing hands on type of help and Jim prefers sending money. I don’t personally know anyone that is in that situation. We will keep our eyes and hearts open and see what happens.

Monday is full moon day. It feels like it will be a powerful one this time. I can already start to feel the pull of it. Sometimes the best thing I can do is sit with my emotions and allow them to talk to me and be felt. When I can do that they tend to pass through quickly and don’t pull up a chair and stick around a bit. December is traditionally a hard month for me and I need to attend to what arises. 24 more days until the days will start to get longer each day.

Grateful for a nice, quiet, non-traditional Thanksgiving, grateful for time-outs that turn into a long winter’s nap, and grateful for the abundance in my life.

Thanksgiving Day 2020 is one for the record books. It is just Jim and I today. We will be grilling steaks for dinner for our non-traditional Thanksgiving feast. He isn’t a big fan of turkey and dressing and I won’t eat dressing so decided to do something non-traditional.

We took a 2 1/2 mile hike this afternoon. It is a beautiful day on the prairie with temperatures in the upper 50’s and light wind. It was good to get outside and stretch my legs and get some fresh air. There is a cold front coming in and the temperatures will not be this high again for a bit.

I baked Jim a pecan pie this morning. I needed the smell in the air to remind me it is Thanksgiving. I sure miss the hustle of feeding 24 plus people today but have to say I don’t miss doing the dishes from the prep work or the meal.

I’m still working on my Christmas cards. I am over halfway done, I think. I keep thinking of additional people that I want to add to my list. Jim will send his cards out later. He usually doesn’t get them out until early January.

We are doing a Zoom call with Jim’s sons this afternoon. That will be a fun hour or so. I haven’t talked to my kids yet today. I’m not sure what some of them had planned for today. We might try to do a Zoom later this weekend.

I could not fall asleep last night. I finally got up around 4:30 and took another hot bath. That worked and I fell asleep around 5:15. I slept until 9:30 so got a good four hours plus of sleep. I’m a bit tired this afternoon but will stay up so I can hopefully sleep better tonight. I sure wish I could solve my sleep issue. For the most part it has improved but I still have nights where three or four hours is all the sleep I can find.

No plans for the rest of the weekend. I am in the mood to bake but really don’t have anything to bake. It is a bit early to start my Christmas baking. Jim has a whole pie to eat so he doesn’t need anything else right now. I may bake some cookies and freeze them. Not sure why I am wanting to bake as I don’t eat that stuff myself. Maybe it is a way of distracting myself from cleaning the house. I would much rather bake than clean.

I got on the hot line last night for the first time in five weeks. I took four calls. I did OK I think. Two of the calls were suicidal people that found a way to get calmer or go get help. The hot line has been so busy I have felt guilty not taking calls. It felt like it was time for me to try it again. I’m glad it went well and I will take more calls tonight if I’m not too tired. I don’t want to push myself too far and too fast after being off the line for five weeks.

Jim wants a tree up so I will probably get that done tomorrow. If I am going to the trouble of putting a tree up I might as well get it up so we can enjoy it for a while. If I had my way, we wouldn’t put one up. I doubt that we will have anyone over for Christmas this year. I have a feeling the virus case count is going to explode in a week or so from all the people that traveled and gathered over Thanksgiving. I hope I am wrong and the counts will start to drop and we will be able to gather for Christmas but not going to count on it.

Today I need to take a minute and express gratitude for all my friends and family. This year has been a challenging one and the one thing I have been able to anchor into is the love and support of my friends and family. We can’t be face-to-face right now but I feel your love and send mine back to you. When this chaos is settled and we can gather again we will have to have a huge celebration of friendship and love. Sending everyone a huge hug and much love.

Grateful for this day of Thanksgiving, grateful for a beautiful day to take a hike, and grateful for friends and family.

Another quiet day at home. I baked two pumpkin pies this morning and we ran them into town this afternoon. I saw Ellexia for a hot minute when I dropped off their pie but I was good and resisted hugging her. I left Jason’s pie on his front deck.

I have a ham baking in the over along with some potatoes for dinner. I’ll fix some green beans to go with it and dinner will be ready. Have steaks thawing out for tomorrow night’s dinner. That was easy!

Have worked a bit on getting Christmas cards ready to go out. Still need to do a bunch more but at least they are started. Then I need to get serious and decide what to get the grandkids and others for presents. I am not a good shopper and gift buyer. It is almost painful for me to shop for someone else unless they tell me what they want. Not a task I enjoy.

Laid down for a while this afternoon but didn’t go to sleep. I didn’t sleep very well last night. The wind was in a hurry and blowing hard most of the night. Things felt restless outside and inside me. The wind finally slowed down this afternoon and the clouds disappeared and the sun came out. There is a beautiful sunset going on right now. I love this time of the evening. There is a full 360 glow around the rim of the earth tonight – beautiful!

We are going to Zoom with Jim’s sons tomorrow afternoon. We haven’t had a chance to meet Thomas’s partner so it will be fun to get to know her a bit better. Both sons will be on the call so it will be a fun hour or so. May ask my kids if they want to Zoom sometime over the weekend. Not at all the same as being together but you got to do what you got to do to get by these days.

The stories coming out of the hospitals are scary. Most hospitals are running out of beds and space and staff. I wished there was something I could do to show the staff how much I appreciate their work and effort.

I called my insurance agent and priced adding Jim’s cars to my policy. He will save several hundred dollars by switching to my plan. It is nice to have that task done as well as his medical insurance decided on and forms submitted. Jim doesn’t like tending to things like that and tended to ignore them. I learned sometime ago how important it is to keep those things up to date and to review them annually.

My insurance agent is an EMT as a side job. We had an interesting conversation about COVID and what she is seeing. She has been working lots of extra hours transferring patients to bigger hospitals. She told me her daughter’s boyfriend, who was a very healthy 40 year old, died from COVID just three days after his diagnosis. It is like Russian Roulette when you get it as you never know how bad it is going to be.

Still feeling a bit sad about tomorrow and not having the kids over for dinner. Then I read the news and hear about the hospital situation and know we made the right decision. It still hurts though.

Tomorrow morning I am going to bake Jim a pie. Not sure if he wants pumpkin or pecan. I had a bit of pumpkin filling left over so I baked that in a dish so I might make him a pecan pie tomorrow. I will miss having a piece of pecan pie tomorrow morning. My mother would come over and help me fix Thanksgiving dinner. We would take a break mid-morning and have a piece of pie. It always tastes better before you eat a big meal than afterwards. I miss that tradition with her.

Wonder how many people will be out shopping tomorrow? You couldn’t pay me to go to a store over the weekend. I really wonder what the case count will be like two weeks from today. The highway was really busy when we went to town today to drop off the pies.

Feeling grateful for all that I have today. My life is so rich in so many ways. I have great friends and family and a beautiful place on the prairie to stay safe. Sometime in the distant future we will be able to gather again and enjoy face-to-face time.

Grateful for the smell of pumpkin pies baking this morning, grateful for the smell of the ham baking now, and grateful for the beautiful sunset tonight – Mother Nature knows how to paint the sky.

The highlight of my day was going into Cottonwood Falls and depositing a check and dumping recycling. On days like this I feel how small my world has become. It got me out of the house and for that I am grateful. Only talked to the lady at the bank and she was behind a glass window.

Fixed black bean soup for dinner. Not sure Jim was impressed but he ate it. It was good but you have to like black beans. I think the texture thing got to him. Not sure I will fix it often but it was an easy meal and on a cold day was a nice dinner for me.

Tomorrow I am baking a ham that Jim picked up when he went grocery shopping Monday. He always comes home with extra stuff. Ham is his favorite meat. Not so much mine although I will eat ham. There is a chance for rain tomorrow so decided to do the ham tomorrow and then we will grill steaks for Thanksgiving. I love that I know what we are having for dinner for the next two days. Makes it much easier once that decision is made.

I plan on baking two pumpkin pies tomorrow and taking one to Jason and one to Michelle. It will be a taste of what Thanksgiving dinner should have been like. I have a tub of Cool Whip for each of them to go with it. You only eat pie as an excuse to eat Cool Whip – right? I may bake Jim a pecan pie. Not sure he can eat the whole thing though and I won’t eat any as I don’t eat sugar or flour. Anyone want to share some of it with him?

I managed to stay awake all day and not take a nap. Now I need to stay awake until at least 10:00 and I will be back on schedule. It is raining out and the sound of the rain may put me to sleep if I sit and read. I have some typing to do so will work on that to stay awake.

Got Jim’s medical insurance thing figured out. He is going to stay with his retirement plan but we improved the plan he had chosen when he retired. This one doesn’t have a big deductible and should act like the plan I have. It is cheaper than we can get otherwise and the coverage looks the same as mine. Sure was a challenge figuring it all out though. I finally sent an email to the benefits department and got some questions answered. Jim gets bored with that type of thing and he missed getting some important paperwork in the move. Hopefully we got it all figured out and it will process as expected. We even got his beneficiary form updated. Good to cross that project off my to-do list.

I’m finally coming out of the muck pond. I took a spill yesterday and landed face first. I got triggered with something and it has taken me about 24 hours to process what happened and understand why I was triggered. It is an old issue I have been working on for a long time. I get angry at myself when I let myself get triggered and then those feelings get mixed with the other and it takes me a bit to sort through it all. I get quiet when that happens which is hard for Jim. We got it all sorted out tonight. Good to be back on track.

I haven’t heard from my new doctor about the medication he had prescribed for my cholesterol. The results on the website said a separate report was given to my doctor but I have no idea what that means or said. If I remember I will call the office tomorrow and find out. Walmart will only hold the prescription for seven days so if I don’t get it resolved tomorrow the doctor may need to send a new script if the insurance company has agreed to cover it.

I am slowly coming into acceptance about Thanksgiving. My heart still hurts but I am allowing it to be heard and felt. It isn’t the end of the world to not have a big dinner. I would much rather be safe than sorry. We will find a way to make the day a bit special.

Nothing on the calendar until next Monday when Jim goes to Emporia to get his KS driver’s license. I’ll send a small grocery list with him when he goes to town. He will have to get his cars titled next week but he needed his KS driver’s license first. Then I can call and add his cars to my house insurance company and save him some money.

Grateful to have Jim’s medical insurance plan lined up for next year, grateful I understand what triggered me and was able to work through it, and grateful for the gentle rain that is falling on the prairie.

It has been a cold, windy day on the prairie today. I haven’t stepped outside at all today. I took a long winter’s nap this afternoon and stayed inside and kept warm.

Jim went to Emporia to get some wine. I had him pick up a few perishable grocery items. He had trouble finding celery but found some. I sure wouldn’t have wanted to have been the person ordering grocery items at the stores this year. It would be hard to know what people and going to do this year. By the sound of the traffic on Highway 50, lots of people are traveling. Jim said the grocery store was busy.

I got my tax bill for my house today. The bill is actually lower than it was last year. That was a nice surprise. I haven’t gotten the ones for the four rental properties yet. I am always grateful I have money set aside to pay those bills. Writing the check to pay taxes is always a painful process though. I hate spending money on things I can’t see or use. I understand I use the county government to drive on their roads , rely on the fire department, etc. but if I had my preferences I would spend that big chunk of money in a different way.

Made a small batch of Party Chex Mix today. I had a few boxes of Chex cereal and the other ingredients on hand and needed to get them used up and out of my way. This batch made 3 1/2 gallons of mix. I am sure the kids will enjoy it. I don’t eat it but it smelled good.

I made Jim tacos for dinner tonight. I kept out some hamburger and fixed me a plain hamburger. Tacos and one of Jim’s favorites and so easy to fix. Tomorrow I am fixing black bean soup. That will be an easy meal to make too.

We were going to grill steaks for Thanksgiving but Jim picked up half a ham today so may have that instead. Ham is easy to fix too and is one of Jim’s favorites. I like ham but could take it or leave it.

I’m still sticking to my bright lines and eating plan. I’m lucky if I lose one pound a week but am more focused on cleaning up what I am eating than the actual weight loss. I’m still detoxing a bit and more tired than normal but that is starting to ease a bit. My pants are getting loose which is a good thing.

Chase County has decided to let the Governor’s face mask policy stand but will not allow it to be enforced with any penalties. I wonder how much people in Chase County will listen and start wearing masks now. We are doing out best to avoid going into Chase County stores as many didn’t wear masks the last time we were in one. I am grateful that Chase County has for the first time allowed the governor’s mandate to stand. Baby steps!

As far as I know, neither of us will need to go to town again for a bit. Jim has to go to Emporia next Monday to get his driver’s license changed from OK to KS. Once he gets that done he will get his two cars titles transferred to KS and I can get them listed on my house policy. The driver’s license place was booked a month in advance for appointments. You can still walk-in and take your chances to get waited on.

Feeling a bit blue tonight. I’m sure it is grief from not being able to host my family dinner. I am so sad that I won’t get to see all my kids together at the same time. I know we made the right decision to not have them come but my heart still hurts. I know there are thousands of others in my same place. I’m grateful to all that have made the same decision and are doing their part to stop the spread of the virus. I worry about the increase in the number of cases and hospitalizations that are coming as a result of those that decided to gather. Stay well everyone and stay safe.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful I have been able to stick to my bright lines for several weeks now, and grateful for all those that are staying home for Thanksgiving this year to protect their loved ones.

I took a long winter’s nap this afternoon. I had fallen asleep in my chair last night and slept from 7:00 – 9:00. Then I couldn’t go to sleep until after 2:00 this morning. Got up before 8:00 after not sleeping very well. Slept a solid two hours this afternoon. Trust I will sleep tonight.

We are having leftovers for dinner tonight so when Jim is ready to eat all I have to do is heat some things up. He is so good about eating leftovers. It is hard to only cook for two not have so many leftovers, although I am getting better at cutting down how much I cook.

I turned the leftover pot roast into beef salad last night. I left a little out so I could have it for dinner tonight. Still have lots of potatoes left over though. I ate leftover carrots for lunch and have enough for tonight too

This doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving week to me as I am not making lists of groceries and checking the list twice before I make a big grocery shop. We are grilling steaks Thursday for dinner and baking potatoes so dinner will be easy. I may bake some pies and take one to Jason and one to Michelle. It won’t feel like Thanksgiving if I don’t bake pies.

Really need to make some decisions about Christmas gifts. So far it doesn’t look good that we will be able to do our annual gathering and white elephant gift exchange. Neither grandkid knows what they want yet. Not looking like Jim’s sons will be able to come home either. Mailing gifts just isn’t the same. Maybe we can agree to have Christmas in July instead?

Jim is going to town tomorrow to get some wine. I need a few groceries so he is going to pick those up when he goes.

We have another chance of rain tomorrow and Tuesday. We got a little over a half of inch yesterday. Hoping for at least that much in this next round. The ground was so dry that I didn’t even notice the rain had fallen when I went down to do chickens this morning. It is only going to be 47 for the high tomorrow so it will be a good day to tuck inside and stay warm and dry.

I have taken a two day media break. I figured if something major happened somehow I would have heard about it. I’m so tired of the division of sides and the distorted facts being used on both sides. I am looking forward to the end of January and hopefully a return to more normal news out of Washington. We have got to come together and solve this great divide or nothing good is going to come of it. Neither side owns truth.

No plans for tomorrow or the rest of the week for that matter. I am finding little housekeeping jobs to do and doing some deep cleaning in small amounts. I need to find a big project and tackle it but somehow the days pass without me having much to do. I am getting better and better at doing nothing and being OK with that. Learning to “be” and learning that is enough.

Grateful for leftovers and a break from cooking, grateful for long winter’s naps, and grateful for learning that being is enough.

I have managed to waste most of this day. It is cold and raining on the prairie today. We have had a light rain most of the afternoon. It is the soaking in type of rain. It won’t fill any ponds as there is no runoff but it is beautiful and quiet. The colors of the grass are muted and the sound of rain so relaxing. It has been a wonderfully quiet day in the house, soft music playing, the sound of light rain on the windows, and the smell of pot roast cooking.

I started re-reading the book I had made of my Camino walk blog. It brought up lots of good memories for me. I still have trouble believing that I walked most of the 500 miles of the Camino de Santiago. I am so glad I blogged and recorded the adventures of each day. Reading it took me right back to where I was each day of the journey. I smiled when I read the parts when I was with Carolyn and Tom. We have stayed in touch and continue to grow our friendship.

I did get the master bedroom floor dry mopped. Found lots of dust under the bed. Put fresh sheets on the bed and did four loads of laundry today. Have a pot roast in the crockpot for dinner. Other than that, I haven’t gotten anything done.

Jim was brave and walked down to take care of the chickens and walked down to get the mail. It is only 42 out and I chickened out and stayed inside. I have been chilly all day and am finally warm and didn’t want to have to warm back up again.

30 more days until Winter Solstice. The light will start returning soon. The last 30 days always feel long to me though as the light continues to lessen each day. December brings the anxiety of Christmas to me. Not my favorite holiday and this year even more so as we won’t be able to gather our families. That is the only part of Christmas I like – all the kids come home at the same time. We will stay apart this year so all will be here to gather next year. It is almost time to start my Christmas baking. I do enjoy that part of Christmas.

In my memories on Facebook I was reminded this is the time that I put out a general invitation to anyone and everyone to come join my family for Thanksgiving Dinner. Afraid I can’t offer that invitation this year. We will all have to gather for a huge party when it is safe to do so. Hopefully by fall of 2021 it will be safe to gather again.

We have passed eight months of limited mobility in the community. In some ways it feels like it has gone by quickly and in others it seems like forever ago that we ate out without worry and care. I wonder how this time at home has permanently changed our habits for the future. I will never take having guests over for granted anymore. I miss having friends and family over more than anything.

Jim and I have been married for over 8 months now. Guess we will be able to remember when the shelter-in-place began as it was the same month we got married in. I am so grateful I have had him to shelter-in-place with.

I took a day off from reading the news today. I needed a day to clean my soul and mind from all the bad news. I have visualized the rain washing away all the negativity in the world today. I can’t change a thing in the world except myself. When I get caught up in the whirlwind of chaos I add to the world problems. When I can stay grounded and centered and send out more light and love I can rise above the negativity and add positive energy to the world. It never feels like that is enough but if everyone could do that I absolutely feel the world would change.

Grateful for a quiet, rainy day on the prairie that has felt like a respite from the craziness of the world, grateful for the smell of pot roast cooking, and grateful for memories of days gone by.

I went into Emporia this morning to have a fasting blood draw. The doctor I saw yesterday needed some details on my cholesterol so he could get the new medication approved through insurance. Walmart notified me that it was ready to be picked up but it costs $447 for one shot. I am to take a shot every two weeks. Unless something changes with the price I won’t be taking it. The Doctor said not to pick it up until he tried to do some behind the scenes work to help get the price down. We will see what happens.

I wasn’t impressed with the lab at the hospital that the new doctor uses. I had to wait about 20 minutes and they only had one person in front of me. They had a new girl attempt to get the blood and she missed on a vein that is usually a winner and easy for them. Her teacher tried the second time and got it right away. But they didn’t apply pressure on either site so I have bruises.

Jim helped me clean out the chicken coop this afternoon. I wasn’t going to clean it out again before spring but it has been so warm I decided to do it one more time before the cold weather gets here. It didn’t take long to do and it will smell much better for a bit, The chickens are so fun to watch afterwards as they like to rearrange the straw to their liking. Cleaning out the coop is not one of Jim’s favorite things to do. He has a strong aversion to chicken shit.

It has been cooler today but less windy. The temperature only reached the mid 50’s today and not the mid 60’s that were forecast. We are to get some rain tomorrow if we get lucky. We are in drought conditions so rain would be most welcome.

I was so tempted to stop at Walmart on the way home today but decided the risk wasn’t worth it. COVID is running rampant in Emporia right now and what I have on my list wasn’t essential. Hoping we can stay home now for the next week or so and not leave the property. I didn’t have good luck with staying home this week so we will see what happens next week. Traffic will start getting heavier this weekend as people start traveling for the holiday. I sure hope people listened and will cancel plans and stay home and be safe. I worry about our medical people and supplies if people get out and about. We are reaching a critical tipping point to a huge disaster.

We are gilling hamburgers for dinner so that will be easy. I have a sweet potato baking in the oven for me. Jim is going to have Tator Tots with his along with some veggies. Tomorrow we are going to have pot roast. Nice to have the decision made about what is for dinner a day early.

I have managed to stay on plan for over two weeks now. I’ve lost 4 pounds so far. I am a slow loser and it will take me to March to get to my goal weight. Since we don’t eat out it makes it easier to stay on plan. I’m glad I was able to get back started again and trust I will be able to remain on plan. Last time I ate the same thing all the time but this time I am modifying whatever I fix for Jim and eating a bigger variety of food. I think that is healthier and easier to maintain long-term. I am already feeling better and have more energy. I am still detoxing a bit from all the flour I ate when I had C Diff but am reaching the end of the detox, I think.

I ordered some Christmas cards for this year. I haven’t sent any out for several years but decided this might be a good year to send some out. I am stuck at home and don’t have a lot to do. I really enjoyed writing letters earlier this year and want to write a personal letter with each card I send out. I have a lot of friends that I want to tell how much they mean to me. I forget to say that to them sometimes.

I haven’t heard if Chase County is finally going to adopt a face mask policy. So far they have vetoed the governor’s policy and exempted the county from the governor’s mask mandate. I was pleased to see that they cancelled the Country Christmas events they had scheduled for next weekend. I know it was a hard decision to do but I strongly feel it was the correct one. I don’t think cities should be encouraging people to get out and about right now.

Feeling more prepared mentally for the coming two or three months of lockdown. I had been feeling resistance to it but something has clicked this week and it feels OK now. I hate that I can’t see my family and friends but that is what is needed for the safety of all right now. I’m glad I have Jim to shelter in place with.

Grateful the chickens have fresh linens, grateful the doctor is working to help me get the medication at a more reasonable price, and grateful for all that are serious about sheltering in place to protect others.

I met my new doctor today. Actually I had met him when I was in the hospital and he was the Hospitalist and I was impressed with him. He had been Kathy’s doctor and helped her with her parathyroid gland that was malfunctioning. I was impressed with his staff and their efficiency today.

He took his time with me and seemed to listen to my biggest concerns. He had a recommendation for me for my high cholesterol and ordered a StoolGuard test that was coming due. I go back in six months to have my cholesterol rechecked and to check in with him. I trust this was a good move to change to his practice.

I went into town a bit early so I could drop off cookies and Chex Party Mix at Jason and at Michelle’s house. I got to see Michelle andTagen for a hot minute when I dropped off theirs. I left Jason’s on his front porch. Tagen was doing school. Ellexia has to start doing on-line school Monday. I sure wish I could have them out for a day but that i going to have to wait until this virus thing is under better control. I trust they will enjoy their treats. It is the only way I can be with them and not be there.

I didn’t sleep much last night so came home from the Doctor and took a nap. I even had trouble napping today. Trusting good sleep will find me tonight.

Jim and I have committed to each other not to have any friends over or go to anyone’s house until things have quieted down. It is so tempting to have some friends over again but we just can’t take the risk right now. The hospitals are too full and we need to do our part to keep everyone safe. We will have to get creative and find ways to stay engaged with the world outside of each other.

It reached the mid 70’s today. Unfortunately the wind was gusting to over 40 MPH again today. The dust has blown in the house and covered the floors and furniture again. Maybe tomorrow I will go after it and put it back outside where it belongs. The sound of the wind drove me over a cliff today. It wears one out after a bit.

For not having anything on my calendar I managed to have to leave the house three times this week. I wonder if I will get to stay home now for a bit. I have nothing on my calendar for the duration ahead. We will see what happens.

I’m fixing chicken tenders with veggies for dinner tonight. Jim will also have a baked potato. That will be easy! I had leftover One Pot Dish for lunch. It was OK but not great. What’s for dinner remains the biggest challenge of the day and the only long-term planning I do most days. Think I will make black bean soup for dinner tomorrow night. Jim says he has never had it but is willing to try it.

Thanksgiving is a week from today. I think we have decided to grill steaks for dinner that day. Doing something out of the box and nothing that I normally would be fixing. We will try to make it a bit special for the two of us. I have a special cake I am going to bake for Jim for that day. We are trying to think of ways we can reach out to others that day too. I’m sure there will be lots of folks like us that are home alone for the day that normally would be gathering with family. What ever your plans are, I trust you will stay safe.

Grateful to finally have a new doctor, grateful for a day in the mid 70’s in the middle of November, and grateful to have been able to see Michelle and Tagen for a hot minute today.

Baked Jim a batch of Snickerdoodle cookies this morning. He woke up in time to eat some right out of the oven. The house always smells good when you bake something that has cinnamon in it.

Have dinner cooking in the oven. When I was typing recipes I found some I had forgotten about. Tonight is One Dish Meal which is sliced potatoes, hamburger, rice, onion, carrots and tomato juice. If I remember correctly it is yummy but I haven’t fixed it for a long time.

Got a call from my new doctor’s office today. They got enough of my medical records that they can see me. I have an appointment for tomorrow at 1:00. That is a huge relief for me. It means making a trip to town but this one will be worth it. Staying home hasn’t worked out so well for me this week.

I called my medical insurance company to make sure I can keep the same medical insurance plan as I had last year. I can and they gave me the rate. I price checked a plan for Jim and it is cheaper than what his teacher’s plan offers and has a lower deductible. We will get him signed up. The call was one of the easier ones I have placed lately. I didn’t have to deal with an automated system and the lady helping me was very efficient. She even gave me her direct dial number so I can call back in easily to get Jim signed up. That will be another big thing off my to-do list. Now to get Jim to call in and give them all the information they need.

The wind has been gusting up to over 40 MPH today. Jim is working downstairs in a bedroom that doesn’t have any windows so he doesn’t have to hear the wind. It was getting on his last nerve today. The wind can certainly wear you out sometimes out here on top of a hill. I haven’t noticed the chickens out playing in the yard today. Both indoor cats have been a bit edgy today.

Both Topeka and Wichita hospitals are saying they can’t accept any more COVID patient transfers. The Topeka hospital is reporting a 10% mortality rate of patients admitted with COVID. This is getting serious and dangerous. I’m glad we cancelled our Thanksgiving dinner. We just can’t take any risks right now.

Ellexia and I have been texting back and forth so she can help me choose a birthday present for her. I got some things ordered for her last night so that project is completed. Now to decide what to get her and her brother for Christmas as well as for Tagen’s birthday in January. One gift down, three to go. I can do this!

As the grandkids get older, it is harder to buy gifts for them. Luckily Ellexia wanted clothes. I don’t mind buying those as I know she will use them. They certainly don’t need more stuff.

I wanted to do a knitting project so went through my yarn but couldn’t find enough of it to make the project. Does that mean I get to buy yarn? I’ll probably come up with another project instead. I have lots of yarn, just not in the right colors and quantities for a bigger project. I have lots of linen yarn that I need to figure out something to make out of it.

Jim hasn’t decided yet if and when he is going to Stillwater. He had thought about going today but decided not to drive in this wind. There are so many semi trucks on the Turnpike and this wind makes it hard for them to stay straight. I reminded him next week there will be lots of extra traffic due to the holidays.

I’m sure glad I don’t have to place a food order for McDonald’s for Thanksgiving weekend. Who knows how busy they might be this year. They should be slow if everyone listens to the experts and stays home for Thanksgiving but something tells me most won’t. I wonder what Black Friday shopping will be like. You couldn’t pay me to go out that Friday and go into a crowded store. No bargain would be worth it to me.

On Facebook I follow two young doctors that used to live in Emporia and are now working in big hospitals in KC. Both are saying the same thing – things are getting really hard for them. Too many sick patients and no end in sight. Staff continues to come down sick and they are being stretched to the max. They both are reporting a high number of people in their 20’s and 30’s with no pre-existing medical conditions being on 90% oxygen and are very sick. They have patients in the hallways and in waiting rooms now. Scary times for all right now.

I realize how much privilege I have to be able to make the choice to stay home right now. I don’t have to go to work and be around people. I have a stocked freezer and pantry and no worries about food. I wish everyone could make the same choices I have been able to make and not have to deal with the consequences of such choices. So many people are living on the edge of falling into a disaster outcome. I feel so helpless at times and wish there was a way I could do more to help others.

Grateful for a doctor’s appointment, grateful Ellexia’s birthday present is ordered, and grateful for all those on the front line taking care of COVID patients.

Sammy, my Subaru, is back home. Jim drove me to Topeka this afternoon to pick her up. It was a quick trip up and back. The guy at the service department even returned the rock that had gotten stuck between the brake shield and disc.

I called to see if my medical records have arrived at my new doctor’s office yet. They were requested October 11. They have not. I asked to speak to a supervisor and got someone that seems to know what to do. She called records department and was told via a voice message that no one is in the office for 14 days so don’t leave a message. By law, they have to produce the requested documents within 30 days. She called to update me and said they are going to make some noise and see what they can do.

In the meantime she requested my most recent office visit reports from my doctor and they will review those and if approved will schedule an initial appointment for me. Who knew this would take six weeks. Good thing it isn’t an emergency need. I have a great deal of frustration with disorganization and processes that don’t work.

Had a request from a past guest for a room for a long-term boarder stay. I had to turned him down as I can’t risk having others in the house right now. If I won’t let my own kids come for Thanksgiving I can’t let a friend come stay long-term. I hated to say no but felt that is what I needed to do right now. If things start improving I will reconsider.

I get so angry when I see posts stating the left is trying to cancel Thanksgiving and Christmas. I see it so differently. If I cancel hosting my Thanksgiving dinner, then maybe we won’t be in ICU for Christmas. It is an act of love, not a loss of my rights. Why did common sense and acts of love become so political. I will never understand that perspective. Besides, we will figure out a way to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas – just not in the same house at the same time.

A friend’s husband who has COVID had to go to ER today as walking and talking was impossible for him. He was given a treatment and sent home. You have to be really sick to get admitted to the hospital right now. Another friend let us know his granddaughter has a moderate to severe case of COVID right now. She had to come home from college. Another friend I know posted on Facebook that she is down with it too. I am loosing track of how many people I know that have it.

Unless another emergency comes up we are home for a bit. No plans to leave the property again except to go to Cottonwood Falls to take a load to recycle. That doesn’t involve any human contact though. Jim may run down to Stillwater later this week to get a load of stuff but he plans his trip so he doesn’t have to stop on the way down or back so it is human contact free. He may spend one night in Stillwater but he may make the trip down and back in the same day.

Still trying to come up with a big project to work on. I have a knitting project I am going to be doing for someone but the yarn for that project hasn’t arrived yet. I will keep my eyes and ears open to see if someone has a need that I could help with from home. I am limited a bit as I won’t do any human to human contact right now. Anyone know of a non-profit that could use my help with something I could do from home?

I am fixingJim scalloped potatoes with ham for dinner tonight. I have a sweet potato baking for me and I will fix a black bean burger for me to eat along with our big serving of veggies. I am staying off white potatoes, grains, flour and sugar right now. Attempting to take off the COVID19 I gained. I’m down a little over 3 right now but have lots more to go.

It was another beautiful day on the prairie although a bit windy. I got a fire watch alert as well as a wind advisory for today. It reached 66 today and is to reach 68 tomorrow. Not bad for the middle of November.

My restlessness is quieting down. Making the decision about Thanksgiving seemed to have helped. I am coming into acceptance of the fact that I will be tucking in at home and not getting out much for the next six weeks or so. I’m almost OK with not having a big Thanksgiving dinner. We will have a huge dinner when things are safe again – whenever that might be.

Grateful Sammy is home safe and sound, grateful I found someone to help me get my appointment schedule with my new doctor, and grateful for all the doctors and nurses treating all the COVID patients.

This feels like it has been a busy day. We called the Subaru dealer in Topeka after videotaping the sound the car was making. When we played it for him the guy said we had a rock in the brake shoe. He gave us the number for the Subaru rescue squad and we had the car towed to Topeka. They have already called and told us they got the rock out and the car is ready to come home. We will drive up tomorrow afternoon and pick it up. That was easy. I am impressed with the service that Subaru provided. The tow was easy to set up, free, and they were here within an hour of my call.

Carolyn and Tom, my friends from CA I met on the Camino, FaceTime with us this afternoon. It is always a good day when we get to visit.

Jim and I took a 2 1/2 mile walk. It is a beautiful fall day and a bit windy but not bad, especially down in the valley. One the way back a neighbor was working his field and needed some help closing a heavy gate. I’m glad we were in the right place at the right time to help him out.

Jim wants leftovers for dinner tonight so that will be easy. And I already know what I am fixing tomorrow night. That is the hardest part of each day – deciding what to have for dinner. I am blessed for that to be the biggest decision of the day.

Guess my lockdown will not go as planned as we have to drive to Topeka tomorrow to get the car. We will get the key, sign a paper and get out of there and head home. Seems like there is always something essential that needs to be taken care of.

Haven’t gotten much done today. Good thing I don’t have a lot that needs done. I did a bit of cleaning in the study. An area had been bugging me and I got it taken care of earlier. Maybe I will get in the mood to do some more cleaning yet today. Doubt it but it may happen!

Jim is working on a CD rack he built. It was about a 1/2 inch too long so he has to take one edge off and cut it down a bit. He said he might run to Stillwater, spend one night and come back the next day with a car load of tools and books he wants. We will see if he goes. His house sitter that comes to the house two or three times a week to check things out has COVID. I think his family has been checking on things for him. Sounds like he has a mild case thank heavens. He is only 17 so in the age group that recovers quicker than us old people.

I have been observing myself and my reaction to COVID. I seem to come to acceptance of what is but struggle to hold myself there and fall back into denial and anger about what is. Today I feel like I am solidly in acceptance but yesterday I was solidly in anger. Acceptance feels much better. Being in anger or denial doesn’t help anything and wastes my energy on thoughts and feelings that are not helpful. Hard to convince my mind not to go there though.

Grateful for a long walk on a beautiful fall day, grateful for the visit with Carolyn and Tom, and grateful my car was fixed easily.

We went to Walmart and did a huge grocery shop today. It took us a bit to gather all we needed in the store and even longer to find space for all of it when we got home. If I accomplished my goal, I won’t have to go back to the grocery store for four to six weeks except for milk, bananas, and other perishables. It feels good to have the pantry fully stocked and the freezer full.

I took a long nap again this afternoon. Going to town wears me out faster than anything else I do. Glad I am tucking in to to stay home for a long while. I don’t think I will be back in town for several weeks. We do need to go into Cottonwood Falls tomorrow or Tuesday to dump recycling but that doesn’t involve seeing other people.

Got news today that a dear friend’s son and granddaughter have COVID. Luckily my friend wasn’t exposed. I wonder if there is anyone left that doesn’t know someone that has it. Maybe that will help change people’s behavior and more people will wear masks and stay home except for essential trips.

My brother, wife and two sons are all on the recovery list or will be within a day or two. I am grateful they all made it through. I saw my nephew today at Walmart and he looked good. My friend that had it is being moved to the recovered list too.

I went through my personal and business files and pulled the records from 2019. I need to find a box to put them in and take them down to the barn in my record storage area. When I did the books for McDonald’s that was a three day project. It only took me about 30 minutes to do it this year. I have to save the records for back up for income tax purposes as most of my expenses are deductible for the Airbnb business. Since I won’t have any guests in 2020 I won’t have to save those records.

I saw all the Thanksgiving dinner ingredients in the store today and it made me a bit sad I won’t be picking any of them up. I will so miss cooking all my families favorite things and having a bunch for dinner. I have some pumpkin so will probably bake Jim a pumpkin pie. Not sure what we will have for our Thanksgiving dinner. Jim isn’t a big fan of turkey. Cooking for two just won’t be the same.

Jim fixed a frozen pizza for dinner. He adds jalapeños, onions and olives to it. I don’t like or eat pizza so I had something else that was simple to make. It was nice to have a day off from cooking. I’ll come up with something to fix for tomorrow night.

Eleven days of being back on my eating plan. I can tell I am still detoxing though from all the flour I had eaten while I had C Diff. My headaches had faded to the back ground although they are still there. Another couple of days and they should be gone. It feels good to be back on plan. I have been surprised I have been able to quit snacking. I need to do a better job of planning what I am going to eat but am figuring out some quick and simple foods to eat when I haven’t thought ahead.

I have been working on preparing myself to stay home for the duration. I need to do a better job of reaching out by phone to my friends and staying in touch that way. I have never liked talking on the phone but I need to suck it up and deal. I need to find a big project to work on at home so I stay busy and forget that I am choosing not to leave the property.

I keep reading posts from doctors that work in hospitals and the horror they are seeing each day. Hospitals around here are out of beds and the big hospitals are refusing to accept new patients. My fear is those that have heart attacks, accidents, etc will struggle to find care. We are in for a hard couple of months ahead I fear. Thanksgiving events will add to the misery.

Grateful to be tucked in at home for the duration, grateful the shopping trip is done and put away, and grateful to be back eating on plan.

Jim and I got our workout in today. We went to Bluestem and bought 500 pounds of chicken and dog feed. We had to load it on to the cart, then into the car and then out of the car. Sorted the chicken feed into buckets when we got home.

Stopped at Fanestil’s and bought some bacon. It happened to be on sale at $24.50 a box so got two 10 pound boxes. That should last me a bit. When I got home I divided it up and put about two pounds each in gallon zip lock bags. My freezer is filling up. I need to give away the eight gallon bags of Chex Party Mix to make some more room.

We need to make a grocery trip but didn’t have room in the car for groceries after getting 10 bags of feed. I will go to town in the morning when the store isn’t busy and do a big grocery haul. We are trying to stock everything up so we don’t have to go to town much for the next six to eight weeks. We will have to go once a week for milk and fresh veggies but hoping to limit what we will need so it can be a very short and quick trip in and out of the store.

Got good news from my brother’s family, Two of the four have been moved to recovered status and the other two are close behind. What a relief to know they are healing and getting better. My friend that has been down for three weeks with it is on the mend finally. COVID can be wicked and it takes a while to recover. Hopefully none of them will become long-haulers and continue to have issues into the future.

The wind has been gusting up and over 30 MPH today. Sustained winds are averaging 20 MPH. I walked up to the house to get some empty chicken feen buckets and almost did a Mary Poppins on the way back down to the garage. The chickens don’t like to get their feathers ruffled so they are staying inside today.

I finished my cookbook project so need to find another project to start.

We were going to take my car to town but when Jim backed it out of the garage it made a funny noise. Jim said it sounded like the brake shoe was rubbing. I’ll have to call the dealer Monday and see when we can take it in. That will mean going to OK for at least a day. Jim wanted to go get some tools anyways so we will have to work something out depending on when they can look at the car. Hope it is safe to drive it to Tulsa.

Nothing on our calendar the rest of the month except the grocery store haul and getting my car fixed. It is nice to have a long stretch of empty space in front of us. Jim has a few projects he wants to get started, especially if we get some of his tools brought up.

I’m still sad that I can’t do a big Thanksgiving dinner this year. The realization that Jim’s sons probably won’t get to come home for Christmas is starting to set in for Jim. We keep telling each other we are giving up these things this year so all may gather alive and well next year. Not sure it makes it easier but it does feel like it is the right thing to do. If people would stay home except for essentials and wear masks the virus would go away much quicker. I just don’t understand why doing the right thing for the protection of others has become such a divisive issue in this country.

Grateful the big feed haul is done, grateful my brother’s family is on the road to recovery, and grateful the cookbook project is complete.

Went to visit with a dear friend this morning. I hadn’t seen her in over a year. Both of us have made significant life changes since last we met. I got to tour her new house. It is so nice and comfortable. She has done a beautiful job with the major remodel. It was good soul food to have a deep conversation with another woman.

I am almost finished with my cookbook project. Just need to type and print a table of contents and I will be done. Got all the recipes sorted and placed in the folders this afternoon. Made the labels for the dividers and got them put together. This has been a fun project down memory lane for me.

I’m making Steak Packets for dinner. I marinate sirloin steaks in a ketchup, steak sauce, Worcestershire sauce marinate. Then I placed them on a big piece of foil and topped them with potatoes, onions and carrots. Bake in the oven for an hour and dinner is ready. I used to fix these using hamburger patties for the kids when we had our cabin at Lake Kahola. Easy to fix and yummy to eat. You can tailor each one to each person’s preferences. My packet won’t have potatoes and Jim’s will have extra onion.

I talked to Nicole today and told her we have decided not to have a Thanksgiving dinner. I hate to cancel it but I just don’t feel right hosting one. The spread of COVID is rapid and I just can’t risk it. Hoping we can figure out a way to do something for Christmas but am not going to bet on it. I have a feeling one to two weeks after Thanksgiving will show a huge spike in cases which will make Christmas even more risky.

I heard about some friends that gathered for a small party last Saturday night and now several of them are positive for COVID. It is so easy to spread it as you can give it to someone without knowing you are sick.

Jim and I are tucked in for the duration. We will only be going to town once a week for essentials. I took a risk yesterday getting my teeth cleaned and another risk today visiting my friend. I need to tuck in for a bit and not take any more risks and push my luck.

It only got to 50 today for the high but the sun was out and the skies were blue. It is to warm up some for next week. Still hoping to get some deck work done but am not going to hold my breath. I need Jim to do some sanding before I can paint and that hasn’t hit his list yet. No worries. It can wait.

I got the biggest belly laugh today. Jim came in the kitchen carrying his coffee thermos. He said he was going to dump it out and make some fresh as it had a funny taste to it. He said the coffee that was in his cup tasted fine but the thermos was yucky. When he was dumping it out the Scotch Brite Pad he uses to clean the thermos fell out along with the yucky coffee. No wonder the coffee tasted yucky. We both had a good laugh. I’m glad I am not the only one to do something like that.

Still feeling the restlessness although it has been a bit quieter today. Making the decision about Thanksgiving helped. The unknown is usually an uncomfortable place to rest in. There are lots of unknowns in the world right now. All will be well. All is well. I forget that sometimes.

Grateful for a visit with a friend, grateful the cookbook project is almost done, and grateful for the laugh Jim provided me today.

This day went by quickly. I didn’t sleep much last night but sure was sleeping good when the alarm went off at 6:30. I had to be gone by 7:30 this morning so had to get up and get moving.

The Vo-Tech is taking the virus seriously and have implemented lots of safety precautions to help keep everyone safe. The girl that cleaned my teeth was fun to visit with and did a good job. She is a second year student so it only took a little over two hours.

I stopped at Walmart when I was done and picked up a few groceries and then ran into Staples and got a few things. It was good to get home after being in town for several hours.

I fixed lunch and then took a long nap. I woke up and fixed leftovers for dinner. I needed to get the refrigerator cleaned out and Jim is always willing to eat leftovers.

My recipe project is coming along. I probably am over half done typing recipes and have the first half of them printed. I need to figure out how to organize them in the folder I am putting them in and get them all sorted into sections. I must like to make desserts because that is the section I have the most recipes for. I guess most main dishes I make don’t require recipes.

It has been interesting typing some of the recipes. Many call for margarine instead of butter. That must have been the trend in the 70’s and 80’s. Some call for things that aren’t even made even more. Do they still make Cool Aid packages? Pistachio pudding mix? Boxes of frozen strawberries? I must be getting old.

Tomorrow I am going to Matfield Green to visit a friend for an hour in the morning. I haven’t seen her for almost a year so looking forward to catching up. After that I don’t have anything on my calendar for several weeks. Jim hasn’t decided if he is going to Stillwater but thinking not.

Jim got the doors on my chicken coop repaired today. They were hard to close and have been since I got the coop. I can finally easily close and lock them. He is handy to have around.

The good thing of doing the recipe project is I now have some ideas of what to fix for the next week or so. I had forgotten about some of the things I like to make. I laid out some sirloin steak for tomorrow night and I am going to make Steak Packets with onion, potatoes, carrots and steak. It has a yummy easy sauce I make to go over it. You wrap everything up in a foil packet and bake for an hour. I like meals like that.

Just discovered my dishwasher is not working. It was replaced earlier this year. It blinks at me but won’t reset and start. I looked up the owner’s manual on-line but the trouble shooting guide doesn’t list that problem. Hate when that happens. I may need to call them tomorrow and see what is wrong.

Still feeling the restlessness but it has quieted down a bit. Still there though and still have no clue what it is.

I read where we may have a national lock down again to try to stop the virus. Don’t think it will change anything about how we are living right now. We limit our trips outside the house to essential trips. Tomorrow is an exception for me to that rule as I will be going to visit my friend. We just don’t get out much at all yet. We still haven’t eaten at a restaurant since all this started – haven’t even picked up take out food. Trust we don’t have national shortages of people stock piling reserves again. It is nice to have a freezer full of meat in case there are shortages again.

Grateful for the Vo-Tech and its dental program, grateful for long afternoon naps after a night of little sleep, and grateful for repaired doors on the chicken coop.

We had fun last night delivering meals. Our first stop was to Dean’s apartment. He came out in his mask to pick up his food. Then we went to Lebo and dropped off dinner for Keith, Tammy and Abram. We left their food on their back deck. Our last stop was at Ellexia’s. She only got dessert which was Rice Krispie Peanut Butter treats. It took us almost two hours to make the round trip.

I started organizing my recipe files today. I am typing all my favorite recipes and creating a file on my computer. I’m tired of paper recipes and not being able to find the one I want. I learned how to create a file on my computer and have been typing on and off most of the day. One of those rainy day projects that was on my dream list. Feels good to get that one started.

Not sure what else I have done today. I did fix dinner and took a short nap. Took care of the animals but not sure I did anything else.

I have to get up early tomorrow as I have to be at the Vo-Tech before 8:00. Sure trusting they are being safe. If I don’t feel safe once I get there I will leave. After seeing what my brother has been through I don’t want COVID.

Friday morning I am going to Matfield Green to visit a friend. We have been trying to get together for three months. She has kids in school so I will wear my mask while I am there. I am taking a risk to go to the dental school to have my teeth cleaned and to go visit my friend.

After my visit with my friend Friday I don’t have anything else on my calendar for weeks. Still not sure if Jim is going to Stillwater next week. We will see what he decides to do.

Still feeling that restlessness that has been lingering for a bit now. Still haven’t figured out what it is trying to tell me. It doesn’t usually linger this long so I am curious as what is behind it. Maybe it is related to knowing that I really need to lock myself at home and not get out and take risks. Maybe it is related to the election energy and the not knowing what is going to happen with all of that. Maybe it is something else completely. Sooner or later it will go away and I may never have a story about what it is.

It was a non windy day today – at last. It warmed up to the mid 50’s but felt warmer as the wind wasn’t blowing. The sun was out all day and it was beautiful out. I should have gotten out and enjoyed it. Jim took a long walk but I couldn’t make myself get out of the house and go with him.

Grateful I have started a dream list project, grateful for a low wind day on the prairie, and grateful for a quiet day at home.

I have a crock pot of hamburger veggie soup cooking. It smells so good. We are doing meals on wheels tonight and delivering soup to my sick family members. I will make some beer bread muffins in a bit to go with it. Maybe a homemade dinner cooked with love and healing intentions will help everyone feel better.

I have a pan of peanut butter Rice Krispy treats to take to Ellexia since we are going to town. We were texting today and she decided those sounded good.

I haven’t managed to get anything else done today. It is windy and cold outside today. It was in the mid 30’s with wind chill in the mid 20’s when I went down to do chicken chores this morning. I opened their door to let them outside but not sure they ever stuck their heads out the door. I don’t blame them for staying inside today.

We got some rain last night. The ground wasn’t very wet when I went down to do chores so am thinking we didn’t get much. The wind and rain woke me up last night at some point and I checked and it was a gust of over 50 MPH. It was in a big hurry to get somewhere last night. The sun finally popped out this afternoon and it looks warmer out but not sure it is.

I haven’t heard from my Endocrinologist office today about what they want to do about my low TSH levels. Am guessing it must be her day off or else they are waiting on the other blood test to come back so she only has to reply once. They are really good about getting back to me so I’m sure I will hear something tomorrow.

The Vo-Tech called me this morning and I now have a dental cleaning appointment for Thursday morning at 8:00. I haven’t had a cleaning since last March so am due for one. I am grateful they called. Hoping it is safe to go and have that done. If you want a good place to go have your teeth cleaned very thoroughly and for only $20 call them and book an appointment. It takes several hours but they do a great job and a real dentist checks you over when they are done. I have gone for the last several years and have not been disappointed yet.

I need to start thinking about what I am going to get the kids for Christmas. We usually do a grab bag type of thing but we may not be gathering this year. I don’t do much for Christmas for them but need to get something for them. It is almost time to start my Christmas baking. That is the only part of Christmas I love.

Still feeling unsettled and restless today. Having trouble getting grounded and holding it. There is a lot of things on my mind and I am having trouble letting go of some of the worry I am holding on to. Worrying about something has never once change the outcome and it is a waste of energy to worry but sometimes that knowledge doesn’t make it to my heart brain.

Grateful for the rain we got last night, grateful for the smell of soup in the air this afternoon, and grateful for the Vo-Tech dental program.

We went to Topeka this morning for my regular visit with the Endocrinologist. I saw the NP instead of the doctor. She was good and took her time. I had blood work done when the visit was over. Just got notified of the results of the TSH. It is low at 0.5 which is what I predicted. They are waiting on the cancer marker test and tomorrow will let me know what adjustment to the medication I take they will want me to make.

I can usually tell when my levels get low. I sweat lots when they are low, I poop more,, my heart rate is faster, and my skin gets dry. I have all those symptoms. I have lost three pounds this week which is great but I don’t take it off that fast if my levels are normal.

I am to have a bone density test and they called and got that scheduled for December 24. She put in standing orders for me to go to the clinic every six weeks and have my levels checked. That is nice and helpful.

We got home around 2:00. I ate lunch and then took a nap. Going to town wore me out even though Jim drove.

Got word that the COVID tests were positive for my extended family members. I wasn’t surprised to hear that based on their symptoms. Three of the four are doing OK but one is having a harder course. All we can do is pray for the best. So far not hospitalized and we will see how this plays out. I now have six extended family members with active COVID.

I have ham and beans in the instant pot for Jim’s dinner. I will probably have left over hamburger and chicken and a veggie. Beans don’t sound good to me tonight.

It was in the low 70’s today but was cloudy and windy. It didn’t feel like it was that warm. We have a chance for rain tomorrow and it is to start getting cooler for the extended forecast.

I don’t have anything else on my calendar for a while. Jim is talking now about going to Stillwater to work for several days next week. I will probably stay home. I feel for some reason I need to be here for a bit. We will see – I may decide to go or he may decide to stay home.

Jim has started a new wood working project. He has a bunch of CD’s and needs a shelf to hold them. He likes building things. I need to find a new project.

Feeling a bit unsettled tonight. Having nothing on my calendar is both freeing and a bit unsettling to me. With all the COVID in the area we will be limiting even more our outings. We are going back to only going to town individually once a week and timing our visits when the least amount of people are out and about. KS is in the top ten states again for the most increases in cases. The hospitals are filling up quickly – some are already turning down patients. Time to ramp up our protection and tuck in at home.

It is looking more and more like we won’t schedule a Thanksgiving Dinner. I would have trouble living with myself if I held one and then several got sick as a result. Hoping things slow down a bit so we can gather sometime in December to celebrate Christmas. We shall see what happens.

Grateful for a safe trip to Topeka and home, grateful for medication that lets me live life without a thyroid, and grateful for the rain we are going to get tomorrow.

Heard that a second cousin has COVID. This is spreading way too much in our family. I have at least three extended family members that have it now and possibly three others that are still waiting on test results. Be careful out there.

Haven’t gotten much done today. I listened to Jim’s church Facebook service this morning. Took a nap this afternoon and took care of the chickens. I did go to Emporia and picked up a few groceries. Most people at Walmart were wearing masks although there were a few that had them around their necks instead of their mouths and nose. Hope that works for them.

Three successful days of eating on plan done. So far, so good today. I had forgotten how tired I get when I am detoxing. Low energy and a bit of a headache. It will pass in the next couple of days. Shows me how much I was eating that I shouldn’t have been. Back to three meals a day and no snacks.

The wind has been gusting up to 40 MPH today. I was carrying two empty buckets up from the chickens to the barn and almost did a Mary Poppins and flew up the hill. I got 33.7 MPH on the way home from town as the wind was pushing me home. It wears me out after a bit.

Tomorrow I have to be in Topeka at 11:15 for my 11:30 appointment with the PA at my Endocrinologist office. I don’t think I have anything I need to stop and get in Topeka so it will be a quick visit up and back. I’ll need to leave around 10:00 and should be home by 1:15.

We had rain in the forecast for both tomorrow and Tuesday but now we are down to only a 30% chance on Tuesday. We sure could use some of the rain Florida is forecasted to be getting. We are dry on the prairie. The cracks are wide and deep in the yard now.

It was in the mid 70’s again today. Tomorrow is our last day that it is going to be that warm. Low 50’s to 60’s are forecast for the next ten days after that. Maybe the wind will calm down when it cools down a bit.

Have felt a bit restless today. Not sure if it is because of the wind or something else. I am worried about some of my family members that are sick. The state of the world right now feels very tenuous and a bit out of control. I am doing my best to take time to ground and stay centered so I don’t add to the heavy energy of the world. It sure feels like it may be a long winter this year with the spread of the virus and the whole political situation. Grateful Jim and I both enjoy staying home.

I am grilling chicken tenders for dinner if the grill will stay lit in this wind. That will make for an easy dinner. Jim will have a baked potato with his and I will fix a veggie for me. I’m so happy I got a grill earlier this year as we use it a lot. I used to be afraid of the grill and didn’t know how to use it well but I have learned and am getting much better at it.

Need to get back to writing some more letters. The think I miss the most about the isolation of COVID is having face to face contact with my friends. Writing a letter helps bridge that gap but it will be so nice to get back to real contact.

Grateful for three successful days on plan, grateful for my grill that makes cooking so easy, and grateful for those that wear their masks properly and help keep their friends and neighbors safe.

We had the most delightful evening last night. It felt so good to do something “normal” and have friends over for dinner. The food was great and the conversation even better.

Woke up to the news this morning that Biden is our new president. Of course the election results still needs to be verified but sounds like both the popular vote and the Electoral College will go his way. I wish a vote would also end the great divide between sides. Biden has his work cut out for him. The changing of presidents gives me a glimmer of hope but the work to unite the country will be a long, arduous journey. Each of us will need to do our part to help make it happen.

Took a short nap this afternoon. I had trouble falling asleep last night but slept hard for about five hours once I fell asleep. I needed a short nap for a burst of energy to make it through the day.

It has been another beautiful day on the prairie. The wind has been gusting up to 30 MPH so it has been a windy one. Feels so good to have the windows open though. The furniture that I dusted yesterday is already covered with a layer of dust. Oh well, That is the price I pay for living in the country and having 70 degree days in November.

I am fixing tacos for Jim for dinner. I may grill myself a hamburger. Tacos aren’t my thing. I am running out of ideas of what to fix again. That remains the hardest decision of my day – what to fix for dinner. I am privileged to have that be the biggest issue of the day.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow. Monday I go to the Endocrinologist in Topeka. My appointment is at 11:30 so I will need to leave around 10:00. Nothing else on the calendar for the rest of the week. Jim may run down to Stillwater for a few days. We will see what he decides to do.

I had another successful day eating on plan yesterday. So far today I have held to my lines. My body feels so much better already. Have a bit of a headache today from the withdrawal side effects of getting the flour I had been eating out of my system. Guessing I have another couple days of that until I am clean again.

Jim is sanding on the back deck this afternoon which means tomorrow I will have some painting to do. It will be good to get that project wrapped up.

My Facebook memories reminded me that a year ago I was recovering from my second bunion surgery. I am grateful that is behind me now and I can walk relatively pain free now. Two years ago Nicole and I were doing our trip to New Zealand and Australia. That was one of the best trips I have ever taken.

I have a paper sack of romance novels that I need to find a home for. If you like reading them let me know and you can have them. I usually give them to the library for the Friends of the Library sale but they aren’t accepting them right now. I got them from the library book sale so they are used books but very readable.

I can hear the dogs snoring on the back deck. They are nocturnal animals and like to sleep during the day and guard the house all night long. They had more energy when the temperatures were lower. They love having Jim give them some scratches and attention. He has always been a cat guy but is coming around to liking dogs now too.

Virus case counts keep climbing and climbing. Hospitals are running out of ICU beds again and are starting to ration care. It huts my heart when I see people out and about without a mask on. We are doing our best to stay home most of the time. Having friends over last night was an exception and a welcome and needed break for us. We are trying to carefully choose what risk we are willing to take.

Grateful for friends that came to dinner, grateful for two and a half successful days back on plan, and grateful Biden won the election.

Sounds like we might know for sure today or tomorrow who our next President is going to be. I have been reading pages on Facebook from those across the isle from me. I am trying hard to understand their support of Trump. It is interesting to read both sides think the other side is going to incite violence.

I believe life is a mirror and we see in others what is hard to see in ourselves. So I have been sitting with the question: When do I lock into my side of an issue so hard that it feels like truth? When we stop seeing both sides of the issue we have lost the battle. Neither side has ownership of truth. Interesting times we are living in for sure.

I believe there are very few real truths in the world. Most of what feels like truth is preferences. If we can see our beliefs as preferences instead of truth there is more room for discussion and learning. It can be hard for me to remember that though.

I have been cleaning today. I don’t think my house has ever been his dirty before. Finding way too much dirt. I am waiting until the last minute to dust as we have the doors and windows open today and the dust is blowing in faster than I can clean it up. Another mid 70’s day on the prairie with bright blue skies. It was cloudy earlier but the clouds have rolled on out and it is a beautiful day now.

We have some friends coming over for dinner tonight. Decided we would grill steaks as it is so nice out. They are bringing a side dish and dessert so it will be an easy meal for me to fix. We will have to break out some wine and celebrate our new president. Maybe I will dig out my pearls and wear them. They go with blue jeans – right?

The chickens were glad to get outside again this morning. When I opened their door the wind was quiet but it has picked up a bit since. They don’t like getting their feathers ruffled.

My nephew got to go home from the hospital already. So grateful he is doing better. It helps to be young and healthy.

I am back on my eating plan. Had my first successful day yesterday. I have been eating way too much food that has flour in it while I was sick as that was all I could get down. I also was snacking as I could only eat small amounts at a time. Now that I am feeling better I need to clean up my act again. I have put on 19 pounds and need to get it back off. Felt good to have a successful day at last. No sugar, no flour and no snacking is my mantra for success. I do feel better when I eat on plan.

Last time I was on plan I ate the same thing everyday. I see now that wasn’t a smart thing for me to have done. It is hard to have a life and eat the same thing everyday. Now that I have Jim to eat with I need to learn how to stay on plan with a variety of food and options. This time I am not in a hurry to take the weight off. In fact that is a reward of eating on plan but not the goal. The goal is to remove processed foods and feel better in my body.

This is a picture of the desk Jim built for me. I love it. I like the simple, functional design.

• 

Grateful for a cleaner house then I had this morning, grateful for the beautiful desk Jim built me, and grateful for friends coming for dinner.

Jim and I took a two mile walk today. Longest walk I have been on since I got sick. It felt so good to get out and stretch my legs and enjoy this beautiful day. Temperatures are in the upper 70’s and very little wind today. Perfect fall day.

Got news that my nephew is in the hospital with COVID19. His temperature was over 105 last night. He is feeling better today thank heavens. My brother and his wife are being tested as both are not feeling well. Dang! This is hitting close to home again.

The numbers in the state continue to climb. Jim and I decided we need to double down and up our precautions. I was grateful to see the Lyon County Commission has implemented a face mask policy for Lyon County and limited the size of gatherings. Wish Chase County would do the same.

Starting to have serious doubts about hosting a Thanksgiving gathering. It is my favorite holiday and I love preparing a huge meal for lots of people but I keep getting the feeling I shouldn’t do it this year. We will see what happens over the next three weeks and what I decide to do.

Still no final results on the presidential race. I am trying to let go of any expectations and let this play out. Nothing I can do will change the results anyways. It makes me sad to see how some are reacting though. States are having to deal with lots of mail in ballots that they have never dealt with before. I certainly understand the delay and feel it is more important that the results be accurate than speedy.

I finally got a good night’s sleep last night. I slept hard for six hours straight which is almost a record for me. Wish I could do that every night.

We are having some friends over tomorrow night for dinner. They take the same COVID precautions we do. It will be so fun to have some good conversation with friends. We are going to grill steaks and bake potatoes and they are bringing a side dish and dessert. Easy meal with good company – hard to beat!

Last night we grilled hamburgers for dinner. Tonight I have some salmon to cook. I am attempting to get back on track with my eating. I have gained weight this year and need to get it back off. Today is Day 1 of getting back on track. I can do this!

Still not used to the sun setting so early in the evening. I am ready for bed by 8:00 these days. Realizing how set in my ways I am becoming. Change is harder for me now then it used to be.

Nothing on our calendar for the weekend. I have to go to Topeka Monday for a Endocrinologist appointment. We may go to Stillwater later in the week next week if I can find a house sitter. I keep asking Jim if he wants to go and he keeps saying maybe. He is adjusting to being here now and I think he is liking it. Stillwater doesn’t seem to have the same strong pull on him that it did.

Grateful for a long walk today, grateful for all the election workers that are still counting ballots, and grateful for this beautiful day.

It was a long night last night watching the election results come in. We are watching again tonight but I don’t have an expectation that we will know tonight yet. I found myself getting too caught up in all of it and told Jim we needed to do something physical so I could move out some of the pent up energy I had.

We moved the bookcases in the study around. Moved one out and rearrange the other four. Jim has a lot of books! He still has more books in Stillwater to bring. The new desks didn’t fit with the way the bookcases were before and they look so much nicer now that the bookcases are better arranged. We had to take all the books off the shelves so we could move the bookcases. Turned out to be more work for Jim then for me as he needed to make sure the books were arranged to his liking when we put them on the proper shelves. Glad we got that task done though.

I got a big batch of Party Mix made today. The batch made eight gallon zip lock bags full. Feels good to have the first batch of holiday cooking done. I always give the kids a bag of Party Mix at Thanksgiving and then another bag at Christmas time. Not sure we are gathering for either event this year but one way or another I will get them their Party Mix. Some traditions have to be upheld.

I took a long nap late afternoon today. I had trouble falling asleep last night – I was too worried about the election results. I finally took another hot bath around 5:00 this morning and was able to sleep after for a couple of hours.

Jim met our new doctor today. He liked him. He found out my medical records haven’t arrived yet so they can’t schedule an appointment for me yet. This is turning into a disaster – but helps me know it is past time for me to find a new doctor. My old doctor’s office is incompetent. Hoping the new doctor is better.

I only have to take two antibiotics a day for this week after two weeks of taking four a day. It is nice to not have to take so many pills a day. I will take two a day for one week and then go to one a day for a week. Then I have eight weeks of one every other day.

When I went down to let the chickens out today they were out of water. It was warm here today and I didn’t get down to let them out until close to noon. Their heat lamp was on and they must have gotten hot and drank lots of water. We went down tonight to close them up. I hadn’t turned the light on yet for them and it was after dark. About ten of them had settled down outside the coop for the night. I had to pick some of them up and throw them in the coop. At least they are easy to catch after dark.

I struggle with understanding why so many people voted for Trump. The corruption and lies and total incompetence he brings with him seems pretty overwhelming evidence to me that he is not fit to be president. Guess if I only watched Fox News I might have a different set of facts to sort through. I surely hope that if Biden wins he will find a way to work with the Senate and stop the log jam that seems to be in Washington these days. I don’t have a lot of faith that can happen but to give up hope feels too dark for me to accept.

Grateful the study is coming together and looking nice, grateful the first batch of holiday cooking is done, and grateful Biden still has a chance to win.

Election Day at long last. It will be interesting to watch the results come in tonight and tomorrow and maybe into next week. Trusting the morality of the voters will prevail.

I went to Emporia this morning to mail a package and get a long list of groceries from Walmart. It took me about 45 minutes to gather everything I wanted to get which is a long shopping trip for me. I was exhausted when I left the store.

I stopped at McDonald’s to get an iced tea and got to see two managers that are still there from when we owned the stores. It is always a treat to see them. The only thing I miss from owning the stores is seeing the people that worked for us and the regular customers that became friends.

I have a pot roast in the crock pot cooking for dinner. I invited some friends over for dinner at the last minute but neither could come. Thought it would be fun to have some like-minded friends over to watch the early election returns.

I am cautiously optimistic about what might happen tonight. It will feel good to know that we might be able to return to a more normal sense of governance in the near future. I am exhausted from all the drama that has been happening the last four years.

We moved the desk Jim built for me into the study last night. It looks so nice. We picked up the rug that was in that room and moved it downstairs. The study looks bigger without the rug on the floor. My desk chair moves much easier without the rug underneath. Slowly we are getting Jim moved in and making the house more accommodating for him.

One of Jim’s projects on his to-do list is do build different bookcases for the study. The ones we have now don’t fit with the desks. He is contemplating what he wants to build.

It is in the mid 70’s today although there is a 20 – 30 MPH wind. We sat out on the deck for a long time this afternoon enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. We won’t get too many more days like this one this year. I should have spent the afternoon painting but it was nice to just sit and look out over the prairie and enjoy being for a bit. Both of us are a bit on edge in anticipation of the election results and it felt good to let the wind blow out our minds a bit.

Jim has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow afternoon to meet his new doctor. Other than that we don’t have anything on our calendar until next Monday when I have an appointment in Topeka with my Endocrinologist PA. I plan on getting more house cleaning done over the next few days. I have gotten some done today – am cleaning those often forgotten places and washing lots of wood work. The house is starting to feel cleaner to me although I still have lots of cleaning left to do.

Still trying to decide what to do for Thanksgiving. My heart says to fix a meal and take a chance and my head says not so quick. The spread of the virus is out of control and the hospitals are running out of space across the state. Now is not the time to start taking chances and getting impatient with isolating. It may be a long winter this year.

I got the ingredients today to make my first big batch of Party Mix. I always give each of the kids a big bag of it for Thanksgiving and then another bag at Christmas time. I may have to deliver it to them this year if we don’t get to gather. Some holiday traditions can be maintained even if we have to break some others.

Grateful the shopping trip is completed, grateful it is finally Election Day, and grateful for the time on the deck this afternoon enjoying this beautiful day.

I am sitting in my corner chair watching the sunset as I write. It is only 5:21 and the sun is almost down. It is going to take me a bit to adjust to this time change. It feels much later.

I finished the baby blanket I was working on. I need to get an address and get it mailed to the new baby. I have another blanket I want to make but need to track down the yarn. I may need to go get some more. Oh no – buying yarn! It is a sacrifice but I can do it if I have to!

Got a bit of cleaning done today. I cleaned up a few areas that have been bugging me. Got the guest bedroom put back together again. Washed the quilt that hangs in the entry way. It is nice to get some little things done.

It was a beautiful day on the prairie again today. Temperatures were in the mid 60’s with bright blue skies. The wind was in a bit of a hurry today but has finally calmed down. The chickens are out enjoying the last rays of the sun for the day. They don’t enjoy the wind and like to come out when it slows down.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow. It is to be even warmer tomorrow. Jim is hoping to get the last set of steps of the deck sanded so they can be painted before winter sets in. He put the second coat of varnish on my desk today so it should be ready to move into place tomorrow.

Wednesday Jim has an appointment with our new doctor. I still haven’t gotten an appointment as my paperwork is still in limbo.

Tomorrow is the big Election Day. Sure hoping we will have a good idea of who our next president is going to be by late evening. With all the mail-in ballots it may take several days though. I keep reading stories about the potential for social unrest when the results are final. I trust that doesn’t happen.

My iPad is acting weird on the Facebook app. The top line of buttons where the back button is and the one that takes me to my homepage are not working. The back button works on other apps – just not on Facebook. It works on my other devices – just not my iPad. Anyone else having this problem? The iPad was upgraded and the buttons haven’t worked since. Hate when that happens.

Today is a bit bittersweet as it is the birthday of Chris, my son-in-law who died in 2016. I feel for his two dads and for my daughter Nicole. Memories of him are so strong for me today. We sure miss him and yet I feel his presence in spirit today.

Grateful for the love Chris had for my daughter, grateful the baby blanket is completed, and grateful for the beautiful sunset tonight.

It has been another beautiful day on the prairie. Bright blue skies and temperatures in the mid to upper 50’s. It is to be even warmer during the week. Maybe we will get a bit of fall this year.

When I went down to let the chickens out this morning, I shook the feed container and the light bulb in the heat lamp fell out. It had separated from the screw in part that holds it in the lamp. I took down the whole thing and brought it up to the house so Jim could take the screw in part out of the lamp. He fixed it and took it back down to hang up. I’m grateful it wasn’t too cold last night and the water didn’t freeze.

I took a nap this afternoon. I had a hard time finding sleep last night for some reason. It felt good to get an hour or so sleep this afternoon. I must be feeling better if sleep is getting hard to find.

I am using the left over chicken from dinner last night and am making white chicken chili. Hoping my tummy is ready to eat beans. Guess I will find out soon. The soup smells divine and is making me hungry this afternoon. I tried cutting the recipe in half so we won’t have so much left over. I really hate wasting food.

I finished another panel on the baby blanket I am knitting. Have the last panel started. Maybe I will get this one done either tonight or tomorrow and can then get the second baby blanket I want to make started. I used to be able to knit for six to eight hours a day but can’t seem to manage that now. It is almost cool enough to start knitting twin-sized blankets again. I still have some Homespun yarn I need to get knitted up.

Jim just had me help him flip the desk he is building for me over. He put the first coat of varnish on the legs and bottom and needed it flipped so he could varnish the top. It is looking so nice. This nice weather is helping him get it done before winter sets in. Not sure what his next project will be.

Not sure when we are going to reschedule our trip to Stillwater. Jim may go by himself for a few days. He has so much he needs to get done down there yet he loves being here. Too bad he can’t be in two places at once.

Project Clean This House starts tomorrow. I have put it off for too long. I think the house is dirtier now than it ever has been. I just haven’t had the strength to clean house much the last three months. Time to get it done. I will feel even better when my house is clean again. I got a bit of it started today.

Last night on Facebook two of Jim’s friends in Stillwater got very creative. One was on top of their house and had a long chute of plastic that he used to drop candy down to the Trick or Treaters. The other had made a catapult device that shot the candy down the drive way to the little ones. Loved their creativity. What cool ways to keep safe.

I was a bit dismayed though by the number of adults I saw in pictures posted on Facebook that were in crowded situations not wearing face masks. I sure hope the numbers of cases doesn’t shoot up mid week from those that were out unprotected. I still don’t understand why people are refusing to wear masks.

We remembered to change our clocks last night. Sure is weird to have the sunset starting to get close and it is only 5:00. It will take me a bit to adjust to the early dark in the evenings. I will enjoy the early light in the mornings.

Grateful for naps on days when sleep is hard to find, grateful for the desk Jim is building me, and grateful for those that do wear face masks.

41 years ago today Craig and I were married in front of a judge in KC. It seems appropriate that since we were married on Halloween we filed our papers for divorce on April Fool’s Day. Oh the memories I have.

It has been a windy but beautiful day on the prairie today. Temperatures are in the mid 60’s with 15 – 20 MPH wind. The chickens are not fans of the wind and didn’t stay outside much today. I tried to chase them out of the coop twice but as soon as I turned my back they went right back inside.

Took some snickerdoodle cookies to the grandkids today. I got to see both of them and visit with them for a hot minute. I sure miss having them come out and stay with me for a full day. I feel like I am missing so much of their lives right now. I know all you grandparents out there feel the same way.

Jason called me this afternoon and we visited for a bit on the phone. I love hearing from my kids and catching up with them. I remember when I lived in Chicago for three years and every weekend Mom and I would visit on the phone for an hour or so. I didn’t realize then how important that was to her.

Have manage to waste most of the day and not get much done. I am getting really good at that. I have knitted a bit on the baby blanket I am making. Still have about 1/3 of it to do. It doesn’t seem to hold my interest for very long but slowly, it is getting done.

Time change is tonight. I sure wish we would leave time alone and let it be what it is all year and not change it. It takes me several weeks to adapt to the change. It will be weird to have it be dark so early.

Tonight is the Blue Moon. The moon last night was beautiful. I was up in the middle of the night and the moon lit the entire prairie. I didn’t need to turn the bathroom light on to see what I was doing as the bathroom was so brightly lit by the moon. The moon will light the path of the trick and treaters tonight. Perfect Halloween weather.

I am still feeling really good today. Have only gone to the bathroom once today. I almost feel normal again. My energy is coming back strong and if I wanted to do something I could do it. Gosh it feels good to feel good!

Have some chicken with green salsa cooking in the crock pot for dinner. I put some potatoes in the oven to go with it. Makes an easy dinner. Last night I cut up some sirloin steak and made Stroganoff- it was good. Served it over rice.

Nothing on the calendar for the next few days. It is nice to have lots of empty space. Jim has been working on finishing the desk he is making for me. I need to find a project to do but seem to be pretty content doing nothing.

I am grateful the election is this week. I have election fatigue. It should be an interesting night or two to see who all the winners are. I sure hope the election isn’t so close that it ends up in court and it takes a long time to declare a winner.

Need to start thinking about doing some Christmas shopping. I have no idea what to get anyone this year. Maybe with COVID we can just skip Christmas and call it good. Christmas is my least favorite holiday of the year. I will miss hosting a big Thanksgiving gathering this year if we aren’t able to do that. That is my favorite holiday of the year.

I have been observing how my outlook on life has been changing as I have started feeling better. Pain can distort your world view without your understanding of how distorted your thinking has become. I fell pretty far down the rabbit hole and it feels so good to be climbing back out of it.

Grateful for improving health, grateful for beautiful fall days on the prairie, and grateful I got to see the grandkids for a hot minute today.

Finally feeling more human! I had a “real” poop this morning. Something to celebrate for me at least. Guess if you don’t celebrate the little things in life you miss out on a lot of celebrations.

The C Diff test came back negative which surprised us but is very good news. The Doctor’s PA called this afternoon and she is guessing I had a reaction to the shots and other antibiotic I had been on for the UTI. I am to continue on the antibiotic for the C Diff for the remaining 11 weeks and to call her back if the diarrhea returns.

Jim had gotten me a Tempest Weather Station for my birthday. We have had so much trouble with it. The first one didn’t register the wind speeds correctly so they shipped us a new one. When the new one came in the old hub went out so they had to send us a new hub. Then I couldn’t get the new system to work correctly. After a series of emails back and forth over a two week period they finally called me this morning and we got it back up and running. Jim needs to go put it back up on the 12 foot pole. He has had to take it down four times while we tried to get it running. Trusting this will be the last time he has to put it up. It is fun to check the weather on our iPhones but it has been a frustrating process to get it to work.

The jeans I ordered for him didn’t work so I dropped them off in the mail to return them this afternoon when I went to Cottonwood Falls to dump recycling. I also returned the Tempest Station and hub.

I called and got Jim’s doctor appointment with his new doctor set for next week. I still am waiting to hear if my doctor’s office sent my records so I can get an appointment. I have been trying for three weeks now to get an appointment. Hoping this is not an indication of what it will be like to get an appointment when needed in the future.

Jim called to get an appointment in Emporia to get his KS driver’s license. The first available appointment is November 30. He has to get his driver’s license before he can transfer his car tags. Hoping the state is still allowing a bit of grace for time periods to get those things done.

It is a beautiful day on the prairie. Temperature is 66 and there are bright blue skies and lots of sunshine. I didn’t have to wear a heavy coat to dump recycling. May need to take some time this afternoon and sit on the back deck and enjoy the sun. The chickens are loving being outside today. We had to chase them in last night when we went down to close them up. It sure is easier to get them to go in when both of us are herding them.

I can’t believe how good I am feeling today. I have had more energy than I have had in a long time. Got some cleaning done and don’t feel like I need to take a nap this afternoon. It is so good to be back to feeling human again.

As it turns out we could have gone to Stillwater today. Better safe than sorry I guess. Staying here will give us some time to get some projects done around this house with this nice weather. I am hoping to get out and do some painting this weekend now that I am feeling good again.

Jim went to Emporia to get some groceries and run a few errands. I want to bake the kiddos their cookies for the week and will run them into them tomorrow sometime. The kids haven’t let me know what kind they want this week so am waiting to bake until I hear back from them. Maybe they are getting tired of homemade cookies.

I finally got a good night’s sleep last night. I don’t think I moved much during the night as the bed didn’t look like I had slept in it when I got up this morning.

Grateful to be feeling really good today, grateful the weather station is up and running, and grateful for this beautiful day on the prairie.

Starting to feel better this afternoon. I had to run to the bathroom four times this morning but haven’t gone since. Maybe things are finally slowing down.

We cancelled going to Stillwater tomorrow. Jim didn’t want me to be that far away from my doctors in case this turns ugly. I hated to tell my house sitter as she was so looking forward to coming to the prairie to stay. She sent me the sweetest note and offered to come another time when we want to get away.

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I tried to take a nap after Jim’s class was over but couldn’t sleep. Finally got an hour of sleep later this afternoon. When I woke up it felt like someone had flipped a switch in me and I felt the best I have for several weeks. I even had some scrambled eggs for dinner as food sounded good.

Jim taught his last class this morning. He didn’t need my help at all for it today. He isn’t sure teaching on Zoom is too fun though. He missed the personal interaction with the students. He got a sense of what it must be like for our teachers that are having to teach on-line right now. Giving information is one part of teaching but the most rewarding part is the personal interaction with your students.

Now that we are staying home next week I will need to find a project to work on. I had been wrapping things up and winding things down to be gone. Not sure what I will decide to work on although cleaning my house is at the top of my list. I have been licking and promising to clean it good for several weeks. It needs more than that right now. With the rain we got the dust will be settled for a bit so I can clean and it has a chance of staying clean for a bit.

I walked down this morning to let the chickens out. It warmed up to 50 this afternoon. I noticed they were out in the yard off and on during the day. They are getting so big they take up lots of room in their little coop. I bet it feels good to them to be able to run around and flap their wings, I am about four to six weeks away from having eggs unless the cold weather delayed them.

It was so nice to see the sun this afternoon. I so miss it when it goes on vacation. I looked out the east windows and saw the almost full moon. Saturday is a Blue Moon as it is the second full moon of October.

I got a text from Aunt Glenda last night. Her son had gotten her an iPhone and she joined the texting world. I wrote back and told her I was proud of her. I think she will like texting when she gets used to it. I resisted texting for the longest time and now would really miss it if I couldn’t text.

What a difference a day makes. I was so discouraged yesterday I was ready to throw in the towel. This evening I feel like I am on the mend and back in the land of the living. I am not sure if this is for real and how long it will last but I am going to relish every moment of it. It feels good to feel good!

Grateful I am feeling good right here, right now, grateful for the sunshine this afternoon, and grateful for my sweet house sitter and her understanding.

It was a long night last night. Around 3:45 I had to get up and go to the bathroom. I continued to have to get up and go seven more times. That made for a night of little sleep and a sore ass.

I had sent a note to the Gastrointestinal PA I had seen last week yesterday evening. I updated the note this morning and told her about my night. I also noted my temperature has been rising again and my pulse rate is faster than normal.

Her office called this morning and sent me to the clinic in Emporia to get a container so I could provide a stool sample. I couldn’t go while in town so came home and was able to provide one. Jim took it to town for me to drop off at the clinic. I probably won’t hear before morning what the results are as it takes 12 hours to read the results.

Feeling crummy and tired today. I am so tired of this. I feel like I ran into a brick wall.

I looked up what happens next when the antibiotic treatment fails. They can increase the dose from 125 to 500 and possibly admit me to the hospital for IV therapy. The article I read strongly recommends consideration for a fecal matter transplant. They don’t do that in Topeka so I would have to be referred some where else to have that done. We will see what happens tomorrow when the test results come back.

From what I read it can be very difficult to get rid of C Diff once it starts to not respond to antibiotic treatment. The problem becomes what it does to the colon and it can turn deadly if it causes enough damage to the colon. Thankfully I don’t have the symptoms of that yet. Hoping the PA can come up with a plan to prevent that from happening.

It is warmer today on the prairie. It is in the mid 40’s. I went down this morning and let the chickens outside as the forecast calls for rain this afternoon that is to last through the night. I wanted the chickens to get some fresh air while they could. The snow we got earlier this week is all gone except for the very sheltered places in the yard.

Stillwater had a bad ice storm Monday. Curious to know if Jim’s place has any trees down. We are to go there Friday unless we decide I need to stay closer to home for treatment options.

Going to take a nap after I finish writing and make up for some lost sleep. I am worn down emotionally and physically. Maybe it is a good thing I don’t know how long this is going to go on as right now I feel like I can’t take much more of it. Hopefully we will get some answers tomorrow and a plan that will work.

Better days are ahead – I just need to hold on until then. This sucks though and I am so tired of it.

Grateful for treatment options, grateful the PA responded quickly to my notes, and grateful for better days ahead.

Woke up to the sound of ice pellets hitting the bedroom windows this morning. There is a light coating of ice on the prairie today. It I didn’t warm up enough today to do much melting. Thankful we didn’t get a heavy coating of it.

Stayed home all day and sat in front of the fireplace. I did manage to make it down to check on the chickens this morning. I didn’t let them out into the yard today. Their door was hard to open as it had ice on it.

Took a nap again this afternoon. That is becoming a daily habit for me. Grateful to be getting extra sleep right now to help my body heal.

Not as good of a day for me as I had been having. Have had five trips to the bathroom already today. I am back on clear fluids for a day or two to see if that will help slow things down. I may need to take another Imodium if it doesn’t.

Got the results of the mammogram and UA back and all is well. The UA had two out of range markers but the doctor said it was close enough for him to call it normal. That is a relief that the UTI cleared up and that the mammogram is normal.

Confirmed with the house sitter that she is still able to come Friday and stay for ten days. She sounds excited about coming and is bringing a friend with her for part of her stay. The animals love her and the house will be in good hands.

Found out a friend and her son have COVID. She had dinner with her son and the next day he came down with it and then she came down with it several days later. That is what worries me about gathering for the holidays. One can be a carrier of it and not know you are contagious. Trust she and her son will recover quickly and easily.

Had to move the plants out of the east window box so they don’t freeze. They are blooming and getting so big but I know if I leave them there they will freeze. Jim brought a bunch from Stillwater and put them downstairs so I will move these down there too.

We will have to go to Cottonwood Falls tomorrow to pick up Jim’s car. He had it in the shop getting some repair and it is ready to come back home. We need to dump recycling when we go. Thursday we will need to go to Emporia and get some cat food so they will have enough to make it through while we are gone.

I am in a rut of not doing much. If something is urgent I get it done but otherwise I have gotten very good at doing nothing. I knit off and on during the day but other than that don’t do much. Guess it is my season to “be” and not do.

Grateful for the warm fireplace, grateful the mammogram and UA were both normal, and grateful to be able to stay home on icy days like today.

The prairie has about one inch of snow cover today. It is always fun to see what catches the snow and where it drifts. It it in the mid 20’s with a brisk north wind which makes the wind chill in the mid teens. It was cold walking back up to the house after caring for the chickens this morning.

Jim fixed the heat lamps for the dogs and cats last night. Roxy has been enjoying the heat lamps. The fat cats have come inside when ever they get the chance and have been hanging out in the drawer below the dryer. They used to climb up on the shelves above the washer but they have gotten too fat to jump up there now.

We went into Emporia early afternoon so I could have my boobs smashed. The lady did a good job and was quick and efficient. I stopped at the lab before we left and had a UA done so they could make sure the UTI was gone. We went to Bluestem on our way out of town and picked up some chicken feed and a bag of dog food. Came home after that.

The roads were slightly slick on the way into town but by the time we came home they had dried off and it was easy going home. It is still cloudy and cold out and it looks like we still might get some more moisture. We have a good chance for the next three days to get more moisture. We sure could use a bunch more as we are in drought conditions going into winter.

I am feeling a bit better again today. Only had to run to the bathroom twice today so that is improving. I’m still not very energetic or motivated to do much. May still take a nap today. I slept fairly well last night but sure seem to need extra sleep right now.

I have three panels done on the baby blanket I am making so it is half way done. I need to remember to take some knitting to Stillwater with me when we go on Friday. I would like to get another baby blanket knitted. Jim’s nephew and his wife had a baby last week and my niece and her partner had a baby last week too. I need to get two blankets done and in the mail to help celebrate the new ones.

Don’t have anything else on my calendar this week. Jim will teach his last class this semester for OSHER on Thursday morning. Friday we travel to Stillwater for ten days. I do need to get the house cleaned so it is ready for the house sitter who will arrive Friday.

Yesterday I found out a friend died from COVID, Craig’s sister died and a friend has cancer. I had a feeling for several days that bad news was coming. I didn’t expect three bad news things in one day though. Goodness, that makes the third person I knew personally that has died from COVID. That makes it real and a bit scary for me.

All the bad news reminded me that no one is promised tomorrow and that each of us need to make each day count.

I was reading the news today and read about all the hospitals around the nation that are at capacity and are turning down patients. I have a feeling this winter is going to be brutal for the doctors and nurses. COVID seems to be spreading like wild fire right now and with this cold weather driving people inside it is only going to get worse. Some of us are hitting COVID fatigue and are starting to let our guard down a bit. It is so tempting to think it can’t happen to me.

Grateful Jim and I enjoy each other and enjoy staying home, grateful the boob smash is over for a couple of years, and grateful for the empty space in my life right now.

Another cold, cloudy day on the prairie. It has been misty this afternoon. 2 – 4 inches of snow is to arrive tomorrow on the prairie. It will hang around during the week and then will be gone this next weekend. Good for those that suffer from allergies that we are going to get a hard freeze.

I knitted another panel on the baby blanket I am making. Two panels down – four to go. I remember why I like knitting so much every time I pick it back up after not knitting for a long time. It helps quiet my mind and calm my spirit.

Tomorrow afternoon I have to go to Emporia for a mammogram. We need critter feed so will pick that up before I come back to the prairie. We are going to be gone the end of the week for ten days so need to stock up before we head out of town.

I took a nap again this afternoon. I am feeling a bit better today – have only had to run to the bathroom three times today and didn’t have to take any Imodium. I am back to eating only safe foods and that seems to help. Wonder when I will get to eat normal foods again? I am staying off of sugar but sure am eating a lot of flour and starchy products right now. That seems to be the only thing my tummy can handle. I will have to detox when this is all over.

I need to start cleaning house to get it ready for the house sitter that is coming Friday. I also need to start thinking about making a list of things I need to take to Stillwater. I didn’t leave much stuff there and it has been so long now since I have been there that I don’t remember what I left. I haven’t been back since we moved back to the prairie the first of June.

Still trying to decide what to do about the holidays. If I am going to fix a big Thanksgiving dinner I need to start getting myself organized. My head tells me not to plan anything but my heart says go for it. I’m sure every family that gathers thinks they are the exception to the rule and nothing will happen. Except then it does. Might have to wait until the last minute this year to decide what to do. I can do all the grocery shopping in one trip if I need to. I will start watching for a big turkey. We will use it some time if we don’t get to eat it this year.

The dogs are loving this cold weather. They have more energy now then they have had in a long time. The cats have been sneaking in and sleeping on top of the furnace vent in the laundry room. I had Jim fix the heat lamps for the garage so the critters have a warm place to sleep tonight when it gets really cold. The chickens stayed inside most of the day. Not sure they are fans of cold weather.

I keep getting the sense it is going to be a long, lonely winter with the virus growing so fast. It just doesn’t feel like it is a good idea to have friends and family over yet. Who would have thought last March when this all started that this thing would drag out this long. I miss hugs and gatherings with my friends and family. It hurts my heart to think of going all winter without them close. Grateful I have Jim with me.

Grateful for knitting to quiet my soul, grateful for heat lamps that help keep the critters warm, and grateful for Jim and the love and hugs he provides for me.

Not sure what I did today other than take a two hour nap. I am knitting on a baby blanket and spent time doing that today. Fixed rice and chicken for dinner. Did a bit of house cleaning this morning. Where does the time go somedays?

No plans for tomorrow either. We are having a very quiet weekend at home. We haven’t had the TV on today. It is nice to take a bit of a media break sometimes. Jim has been following the wildfire near Estes Park. He knows those mountains and knows exactly what they are saying when they say where the fire is. So far, his beloved Y Camp of the Rockies is still intact although the fire got rather close today and the fire is still a threat. They are to get snow tonight which will help provide some moisture.

The chickens went outside for a few minutes at a time today. I went down this morning and gave them fresh water and opened their door. They wouldn’t stay out long but would run in and out all day today.

I had to take a Imodium today to slow things down a bit. I had gone three times before 9:00 this morning and was getting a bit dehydrated. The pill worked and I haven’t gone any more today. The PA had told me I could take one a day. I have had mild cramping this evening since I had dinner. I am so tired of this stuff. I want it to be gone and done with. It is providing me many lessons on patience – somedays I do better than others in respecting the lesson.

I convinced Jim to throw away a 20 year old pair of jeans today. They had ripped out in the butt and were beyond repair. He had mended them several times before. I ordered him two new pairs – we will see if he likes them. He doesn’t like to part with things even when they have long since served their purpose.

It reached 40 this afternoon. The wind wasn’t as strong today so it didn’t feel so cold to me today. We are forecast to get our first wintery mix Monday and Tuesday but then it is to warm back up to the 60’s by the weekend. Gotta love KS weather.

Down to single digits before election day. Jim and I will be devastated if Trump is re-elected and if the Democrats don’t gain control of the Senate. I trust Americans have had enough of the Trump family and are ready for change.

Grateful for long afternoon naps, grateful for Imodium that slows things down for me, and grateful for quiet days on the prairie.

I had my appointment with the Dermatologist today. The lady that saw me was young and seemed competent. She didn’t find anything to be concerned about. She did tell me to watch a couple moles on my legs but unless they start changing I don’t have to go back for one year. That was a relief to hear.

I dropped off half of Jim’s birthday cake to the kiddos along with a double batch of chocolate chip cookies I baked last night. They weren’t home from school yet so I left them on their porch. Sorry I didn’t get to see the kiddos for a hot minute but safer that I didn’t.

Stopped and got some milk and more chicken noodle soup and headed home. My tummy is still a bit unsettled so I am back on chicken noodle soup for a couple of days. I have been trying to eat regular foods but thinking my tummy doesn’t like them so much. I have been eating crackers and soup today along with some dry toast. It is settling things down a bit and I haven’t had to run but three times so far today. Yesterday I think the count was 12 but I lost count.

What a difference a day makes in the weather on the prairie. It is mid 40’s today. The wind is in a big hurry and blowing from the north. We are to get a hard freeze over the next couple of days. Possible snow or wintery mix is coming in Monday or Tuesday. Not sure I am ready for that. It is to be back in the 60’s by next Thursday and Friday. Gotta love the ever changing weather on the prairie.

I have chili in the crock pot cooking for dinner tonight. I doubt that I will eat any of it though. It does smell divine and makes me hungry but I don’t want to have another set back and have to run all night long.

We have been watching the wildfires around Grand Lake and Estes Park. Sounds like it is still too hot to evaluate and know what has been burned. Sad to see the videos of the devastation that is happening. Snow is coming to the mountains on Sunday but they still have the rest of today and Saturday before it comes in. Scary for all involved.

We don’t have any plans for the weekend. Monday I have a mammogram in the afternoon. A week from today we are going to Stillwater for ten days. It will be nice to have a change in scenery. Hoping we get lots of work done on Jim’s house.

Feeling more calm and settled today. The wind yesterday did a number on me. It is still windy today but somehow not as distressing for me. Jim did the chicken chores so I haven’t had to be out in it. I dug out a heavy blanket to put on the bed when I made the bed this morning. I like sleeping in a cold bedroom with lots of warm covers.

I haven’t had a nap yet today and so far don’t feel like I need one. That is progress I guess.

I sent a note to the scheduling person for the doctor we are trying to switch to. She had told me she would call back in two days and never called. She told me my doctor hasn’t sent them my files yet. They had received the files from Jim’s doctor in Stillwater. I guess I am not surprised my doctor’s nurse dropped the ball yet again. I must say I am not impressed with the scheduling office of the new doctor though. This is turning into a month long project just to get a first appointment. Why is this so complicated?

Feeling like my energy level is returning a bit. This is the third day back on antibiotics. Hoping that my energy continues to return and build back up again. I’m ready to get on with my life and close this C Diff chapter once and for all.

Grateful the Dermatologist gave me an all clear report today, grateful Jim did the chicken chores today, and grateful for my fireplace and the heat it provides.

The wind is driving me to drink this afternoon. It has been gusting over 40 MPH all day. There is a major cold front that is coming in but right now the temperatures are over 80 degrees. I am as restless as a cat on a hot tin roof.

Jim taught his Zoom class today. He didn’t need any help from me today. He has one more class next week and then this class will be done.

I baked Snickerdoodle cookies this morning while he was teaching his class. I need to bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies to take to the grandkids tomorrow. I will do that later tonight or in the morning.

I have to go to town tomorrow afternoon for my appointment with the Dermatologist and will drop off the cookies when I go to town.

I put some more straw down in the chicken coop today to help the girls stay a bit warmer when the cold hits tonight. We are to get a hard freeze this weekend. I fixed the heat lamp so it is over the water container and plugged the water container in. I need to remember to plug in the heated dog water bowl tonight.

Not sure I am ready for winter temperatures. Seems like fall didn’t last very long this year. Maybe we will get some warmer weather in another week or two. In KS you never know what might come our way.

I tried to take a nap this afternoon but couldn’t sleep. I am too restless for that. All I want to do is eat yet I am not really hungry. I can’t seem to sit still for long.

Jim has been tracking the wildfires in CO. Estes Park is his favorite place in the world. Evacuation orders were given this morning for the Y Camp and the whole town of Estes Park. It is so scary and sad to watch the damage that is being done by the fire. They are having wind like we are today and the fire is growing leaps and bounds. I can’t imagine how devastating it has been and will continue to be.

We had a nice birthday dinner for Jim last night. My grill wouldn’t stay lit so I fixed the steaks in the cast iron skillet. I thought they were a little too done but Jim really enjoyed them. I like mine rare to medium rare and they were more like medium done. I hadn’t used a cast iron skillet to grill a steak before.

My plans for the weekend are to stay warm. We don’t have any place we need to go or anything that has to get done. I might dig out a puzzle and work on that. Maybe if the wind slows down I can do some house cleaning and get rid of the dust that has blown in the last couple of days and weeks. Sure wish we would get some moisture so the dust would settle down.

I’m feeling a bit better today although I have gone five times so far today. Feeling drained and a bit dehydrated. Hoping the antibiotics kick in soon and quiet the C Diff down again. I would like to avoid the ER this time if possible.

I am pleasantly surprised that my ass didn’t get sore from the two shots. If I rub where the shot was given I can feel a knot but the muscle around it didn’t get sore. I was warned I would get sore. Thankful that didn’t happen.

I need to find a project to work on. I haven’t had the energy to do so but need to line something up so when I do feel like working on something I have something to do. I am still missing making masks but that isn’t what I want to be doing right now. Maybe I will go down and get the store room cleaned out and get rid of some things. I like how that feels when I get rid of things.

Grateful the wind is to slow down later today, grateful for a warm house when it gets cold outside, and grateful Jim had a nice birthday.

I had a busy morning in town. I got my second and hopefully last shot in my ass. Then I went to Walmart and picked up the prescription for 105 antibiotic pills. It cost $283 out of pocket. Picked up a few groceries and some more heat lamp bulbs for winter. Went to Staples and got some toner for the copy machine and then to Braum’s to get Jim some ice cream for his birthday dinner tonight. Headed west and stopped at my neighbor’s to pick up Jim’s birthday cake. Finally make it home and got everything unloaded and put away.

Jim went into Cottonwood Falls to get the oil in his car changed. He took our ballots and is going to drop them off in the box outside the court house. It is nice to have that task taken care of. Wish the election could be over with already.

I’m feeling OK today but a bit drained and tired. Not sure if the shots wear me out or if it is the constant diarrhea or a combination of both. I will have to take a nap again today. I didn’t sleep very well last night. I kept waking up and having trouble going back to sleep.

We are getting a bit of moisture today. A fog has rolled in this afternoon. My rain gauge says I have gotten .03 inch of rain so far. Barely enough to get the cobwebs out of the rain gauge. There is more rain in the forecast for the coming days. Maybe we will get lucky and some will find us.

Tomorrow Jim teaches his Zoom class. Friday I go to the Dermatologist for a skin check. We don’t have any plans for the weekend. Monday I have a mammogram. A week from Friday we are going to Stillwater for ten days to do some more work on Jim’s house there. It will be nice to have a change of scenery for a bit. A friend is coming to stay at my house while we are gone.

We are grilling steaks for dinner tonight. I will throw a potato in the oven for Jim and a sweet potato for me around 5:00. I’ll fix a veggie to go with it all and dinner will be good to go. Jim will enjoy cake and ice cream for dessert. May have to find someone to share the cake with as I don’t know if he can eat a whole cake by himself. It is German Chocolate and looks delicious. That used to be my favorite too.

The fog is creating a cocoon of sorts around the house. Can’t see very far out the windows. Sometimes that feels claustrophobic to me but today it feels comforting.

Grateful for medication that helps my healing, grateful I had the money to pay for the medication, and grateful today is Jim’s birthday and we can celebrate his life.

Cloudy and a bit of moisture on the prairie today. Not enough moisture to measure but it is nice to get a drop of rain. The deck was wet for a wee bit. Sure could use several inches of rain to fill the ponds before winter. The cracks in the yard are wide enough they can trip you up and break an ankle.

I am slowly processing all the information the PA gave me yesterday. I am a bit more hopeful today than I was yesterday. It will be good to have 12 weeks of no reoccurring spells. Maybe during that time I can rebuild my strength and energy levels. What I have been doing is rebuilding then dropping and repeating that cycle over and over. I never get back to where I was when I started this whole mess before they drop again.

The pharmacy hasn’t let me know the medication is in yet so still waiting to start the 12 weeks of antibiotics. My tummy is a bit reactive today so hoping the medication comes in tomorrow so it can settle back down.

I went in at 11:00 today and got the first of two shots in my ass. The nurse injected a whole gram of antibiotic which burned when it went in. I get to repeat this tomorrow. So far my ass isn’t sore but they warned me it will probably become sore. I got to stop taking the antibiotic for the UTI which can cause C Diff.

The PA was positive that this all started with the Cipro I took the end of July. She said the salmonella just made the whole thing worse as the salmonella helped make the colon mad and irritated. She said not to worry about the salmonella that is still showing in the stool tests. She doesn’t think it is active based on my symptoms.

The PA recommended I do whatever possible to avoid taking any other antibiotics by pill. She said I need to have them given to me via shots or IV so they can avoid the gut. We will see how that plays out in the future.

When I went to town for my shot I ran three quick errands and then came home. I have a few more errands to run tomorrow when I go back to town for my next shot. Hopefully the medication is ready to be picked up when I am in town so I don’t have to make two trips to town tomorrow.

I took a long nap this afternoon. I finally slept hard last night and was sleeping really well when the doctor’s office called me this morning at 8:00. Sleep finally found me!

Tomorrow is Jim’s birthday. He is going into Cottonwood Falls in the afternoon to get his oil changed in his car. While he is waiting for that he will drop our ballots off at the Courthouse. I am going to grill steaks for his birthday dinner. Not sure what I am fixing tonight other than chicken – have some thawing but haven’t decided how I am going to fix it yet.

Feeling a bit weaker today again. Will be glad to get back on the antibiotic hopefully tomorrow so I can get this C Diff back under control again. Don’t have much energy to do much today. Am trying to drink lots of water to replace what is going out. Did manage to walk with Jim down to the mailbox and back up again. Feels good to stretch my legs a bit. I miss walking several miles a day.

Thursday Jim teaches his class again. Friday I have an appointment with the Dermatologist for a skin check and Monday I have a mammogram. Good thing I have doctor appointments – it gets me out of the house.

Healing is happening – it is taking a path that I prefer not to go down. I am getting to the point of acceptance of what is. Resistance is not productive yet seems to be my first stepping stone to healing. I feel myself moving off of that stone today, Oward and upward to wherever this is taking me too.

I get a quote of the day every morning via email. The other day the quote said “A sacred illness is one that educates us and alters us from the inside out, provides experiences and therefore knowledge that we could not possibly achieve in any other way”. This quote was written by Deena Metzger. The timing of receiving that seems divine to me.

Grateful for a good night’s sleep and an afternoon nap, grateful for shots that deliver antibiotic without impacting the gut, and grateful for healing that is happening within me.

I went to the Gastrointestinal doctor today. I saw the PA who seems very competent. Unfortunately what she told me was a bit discouraging. She wants me to go back on the same antibiotic but this time stay on it for 12 weeks with a titrated schedule. She said that is what my doctor should have done when I have the 2nd reoccurrence.

If that doesn’t work she has one more antibiotic for me to try. If that doesn’t work she will refer me to an infectious disease doctor. Her office only can take a C Diff case so far.

She also wants me to contact my doctor and get two shots in my butt 24 hours apart so I can get off the antibiotic that was prescribed for the UTI. I called my doctor’s office but haven’t heard back yet.

I am a bit depressed thinking about being on the same antibiotic for 12 weeks. I didn’t have a very good course of it the 3rd time I was on it. Hoping that it will be smoother sailing this time.

I was hoping there was some procedure they could do to speed the healing along. I feel like I am back at square one again for the fourth time. I guess I have to trust they know what they are doing and that things will get better.

It is funny because I had asked my doctor when I had the second course of this if I needed to be on the antibiotics for longer. He assured me I didn’t. Maybe he needs to do some research and update his knowledge level.

She told me I didn’t have to be quarantined except on the days that I have active diarrhea. That is good news – 12 weeks would have been a long quarantine. We can share the same bed but she recommends we each use our own bathroom as that is where it is most likely to get transmitted.

I will get to acceptance of what is – it just takes me a hot minute or two to get there. Guess I was hoping for a quick miracle and don’t feel that is what I got today. I know not to get my expectations too high but forgot that today.

I finally got a call from the Central Scheduling office so Jim and I can get appointments with a new doctor. I had sent a request to them ten days ago and hadn’t heard back from them. I sent an email to them over the weekend to ask why they hadn’t called. We both had to have our medical records transferred and they will then determine if they will accept us as patients. If they do they will call and schedule an appointment for us. Who knew it would be this complicated.

Walmart just sent me a text and let me know the medication is out of stock but they will have it in 1 – 2 days. Hoping they get it in quickly so this fourth round doesn’t get too far along before we stop it again.

Got a letter back from my coach for the Hot Line. She offered to do some problem solving for me but I need some time to cool off before I can do that.

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I think I will take a long nap this afternoon and get some sleep. Maybe that will help my attitude right now. It is cloudy and cold outside and that doesn’t help either. I am cranky and grumpy right now.

Grateful for a safe trip to Topeka, grateful for a PA that seems competent, and grateful this too shall pass – maybe like a kidney stone but it will pass!

We had a fun lunch with Jason and his family. It was so nice to have a “normal” event. I had forgotten how fun it is to have the kids out for a meal. We took a risk but it was so worth it. Not sure we do it often but every once in awhile a Mom has to do what a Mom has to do!

It is plain ass cold on on the prairie today. The wind is strong from the north. We all went down to check out the chickens after lunch and I was cold by the time I came back up to the house even though I had worn my heavy winter coat. The chickens didn’t stay outside very long and I walked down later and closed them back up. They are smart to stay inside out of the cold and wind.

I laid down this afternoon to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep. I finally got up and decided I would go to bed early tonight instead. My appointment tomorrow is at 1:00 so we will need to leave for Topeka around 11:45. I sure hope I find some answers tomorrow or at least get on the path to finding answers.

Not sure if I am going to fix dinner tonight. Jim usually only eats one meal a day and snacks otherwise. I fixed spaghetti and meat balls for lunch so we had a heavy lunch. I sent the leftovers into town with Jason and he was going to drop them off at Michelle’s house. We have some ham salad that needs used up so that may become dinner.

Not sure I am mentally prepared for winter yet. The older I get the harder it is to deal with cold weather. Actually I don’t like hot weather either. My comfort range is very narrow. I like 60 – 80. Maybe I need to move somewhere else. KS doesn’t seem to do 60 – 80 very well.

Feeling a bit restless today. Not sure if it is anticipation of what tomorrow might bring or something else. Having trouble settling in this afternoon to what is. I’m sure this too shall pass.

Grateful for the time we had with Jason’s family today, grateful for my fireplace today, and grateful it is to be warmer tomorrow.

What a weird weather day this is. The temperature is in the mid 70’s but the wind is blowing in gusts up to 45 MPH. It is hazy out from all the dust that the wind has picked up and is throwing around. It looks like it should be in the 50’s but it is warm outside if you can find a spot out of the wind. The sound of the wind is pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I may jump over before this day is over if the wind doesn’t calm down soon.

Two years ago Jim and I connected on Match.com. He happened to see my profile and sent me a note via Match. I hadn’t seen his profile cross my page – or if it was there I hadn’t noticed it. We initially connected due to our love of the prairie and wide open spaces. We quickly found out we had lots more in common and our relationship grew from there. We are still learning new things about each other every day.

Jason and his family are coming out for dinner tomorrow at noon. I went into Emporia to get some groceries so I can fix them dinner. It will be good to spend a bit of time with them. With all the COVID going on I don’t get to spend enough time with my kids. It is a bit of a risk to spend time with them but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

I haven’t made it out to paint yet but am still hoping to get out. The wind seems to be slowing down a bit. What I need to paint is high ladder work and it didn’t seem to safe to be on the top of an eight foot ladder when the wind was gusting as high as it was.

There is a cold front coming in and the temperature tomorrow is to be in the 50’s and close to freezing overnight. ‘Tis the time of the year for unpredictable and quickly changing weather. Course, this is KS so that happens anytime of the year.

My hands are as rough as sandpaper right now. I have been washing them so much to try to prevent the spread of my C Diff. The weather isn’t helping my dry skin situation either. I need to order some good hand cream and start layering it on.

I’m in the mood to bake cookies so may try to bake a batch or two when I get done writing. I don’t eat them but enjoy baking them. The grandkids and Jim enjoy eating them.

I could write my name in my coffee table in the dust that has gathered on it today. Not sure it makes sense to do any cleaning though until the wind calms down. Even with the house closed up the dust seems to find a way inside.

I have some windows that need their seals replaced. Anyone know of someone that does that type of work?

I keep thinking about the upcoming holidays and what I would be doing if this was a normal year. Usually by now I have put together my Thanksgiving Dinner grocery list and start picking things up for it. I also put together a Christmas cookie list of ingredients and start gathering those up. Not sure it makes sense to do either of those things this year. Still not sure what we will be doing and if it will be safe to gather. From what I am reading from the experts they recommend only gathering with those that are in your immediate circle. That would mean it will only be Jim and I as we don’t gather with anyone else right now. It will be what it will be this year. We will have to wait and see how the virus is doing when the holidays get closer and decide last minute what we feel safe doing.

Feeling good today. I don’t necessarily have an abundance of energy but am not dragging either. I am trying to push myself to eat “normal” foods and am having a bit more success than the last couple times I tried it. Maybe I won’t need to go the specialist that I am seeing on Monday. However, the first two times I had C Diff it came back five to six days after I quit taking the antibiotic. I quit the last round on Wednesday so by Monday I should know if it is returning again. Maybe I scared it out of my body by making the appointment with the specialist.

Friday I have an appointment with a Dermatologist in Emporia to get a full body check. I have a few spots on my face that need checked out and I have lots of moles that need a good look. Daddy had lots of surface skin cancer and I need a professional to check me out. The following Monday I have a mammogram scheduled. At least I get out of the house by having so many doctor appointments. Thank heavens for Medicare and Supplemental health insurance.

Grateful for Match that connected Jim and I two years ago, grateful Jason is bringing his family over tomorrow, and grateful for healing in my body and good days when they happen.

I made chocolate covered peanut butter balls for the grandkids today. Tagen requested them. I usually only make them at Christmas time but I couldn’t say no when he asked me to make them. Jim ran into Emporia this afternoon to get what I needed to make them. I made them this afternoon and we took them to the kiddos a bit ago. Tagen has gotten so tall! I have missed so much of their lives the last six months. I live so close yet it feels so far away when we can’t spend time together.

Other than making the peanut butter balls I haven’t done much today. The day seems to get away from me and I don’t have any idea where the time goes. Before I know it it is time to fix dinner and end the day. Getting good at this doing nothing stuff.

There is a program on at 10:00 tonight that I want to watch. I didn’t take a nap today so hoping I can stay awake and watch it. It is about the photographer that took pictures during Obama’s time in office. It should be interesting to watch.

We don’t have any plans for the weekend. We will stay home and stay safe. I do need to get some cleaning done but that is ongoing and never ending. It is to be in the mid 70’s tomorrow so will get out and paint for a bit. There are wind warnings up but hopefully where I am painting is protected enough that the wind won’t blow the paint in my face.

Monday I go to Topeka to the Gastrointestinal Doctor. I don’t think we have any errands we need to run while we are in town. I just don’t go shopping much these days.

Wednesday is Jim’s birthday. We will probably grill steaks for dinner and have a very small celebration.

We got our ballots in the mail today so will get those filled out this weekend and drop them off Monday. It will be good to have that task done. I am so ready for this election to be over.

I sent a letter to my coach on the hot line today. I haven’t heard back from her. I have taken myself off the schedule for the next 30 days and I will determine if I go back when that time is up.

Feeling a bit lost today. Clearing something off my list always gives me extra time but that can feel weird to me for a bit. Things will settle down soon. I think part of what I am feeling is the not knowing about the C Diff. It will help me settle down when I know what can be done about it.

Grateful to see the grandkids for a hot minute today, grateful Jim went to town for me to get what I needed to make their treats, and grateful for the empty space that’s in my life right now.

We had to set our alarms and get up early this morning so Jim could teach his class. It was a cold morning and the bed felt so warm and it was hard for me to get up. We were ready when 8:50 rolled around and Jim had to sign on. I only helped him three times today. He is getting the hang of Zoom.

I got the spare bedroom and bathroom cleaned today while Jim was teaching his class. I stopped the last of the C Diff antibiotic so Jim doesn’t have to use the spare room any longer. It feels good to have those two rooms clean.

I took a long nap this afternoon. I didn’t sleep very well last night and needed more sleep. I hadn’t gotten a nap yesterday so today was extra tired. I am getting good at stopping and taking a nap when needed these days.

I sent a note to the doctor that prescribed the antibiotic for the UTI. When Jim picked up the bottle of pills at the pharmacy the bottle said to take them three times a day. The pharmacist called me later and said I was to take them twice a day. There are enough pills for me to have to take them for two full weeks which seems extreme to me. I sent the note to ask if that was a mistake. Usually with a UTI I only take antibiotics for five days. I looked up this antibiotic and it has a high to moderate chance of causing C Diff. I certainly don’t want to take them for two weeks if five days would be enough.

What a difference a day makes in the weather on the prairie. Yesterday we were in the mid 80’s and today we will barely make 60. It is sunny but windy today and it feels much colder than the low 60’s. Isn’t there something in between? I have been wrapped in a sweater all day.

I haven’t made it out to paint yet today. It is too windy and cold right now to go out. Hopefully the wind will slow down one of these days soon and I can get out and get more painting done.

I took five calls on the hotline last night. It was a frustrating night for me. I had two long calls and neither of the texters were interested in problem solving of any sort. Neither one felt that texting in had done any good. Both were possible suicidal calls. Both did admit by the end of the call that they could make it safely through the night so the time wasn’t a total waste but neither one could admit they felt better. Not sure I could have done anything differently but alway feel bad when I can’t reach the texter. My supervisor sent me a note during one of the two calls and said I had said something wrong. I found that frustrating as what I had said was what a different supervisor had told me to say on a different high risk call I was on. This happens from the supervisors occasionally and I find it very frustrating.

I think I am going to take a break from taking calls for a bit. When I get frustrated I don’t feel like I do a very good job and I get inpatient with the callers. The line has been so busy lately I hate to step away right now but not sure I have much to offer them right now.

As the whole country continues to struggle with the division we are in, the texters are reflecting that in their own ways. The intensity of the callers is increasing and the desperation they are in is causing them to be less open to problem solving. There is an increasing helplessness out there that is building up to a boiling point.

Sometimes I just need to step away and let things settle inside me for a bit. I was ready to over react last night to the note the supervisor sent me and I see that as a sign to myself that I need to step away for a bit. When I can do that I can find the lesson in all of this for myself and then can see things from a different perspective and understand what the real meaning of all of this is. Right now it doesn’t look too clear to me. Pushing through when the path is rocky and foggy is not a good thing for me to do. Stopping and pushing things works much better for myself in the long-term.

The Hot Line has a calendar that we schedule our shifts on and they make it easy to take time off. I do need to send a note to my Coach and let her know why I am stepping aside for a bit but I don’t have the words for her right now. I don’t know if she will notice I am gone for a bit or not. Hopefully I will find my words soon and will be able to reach out to her. We will see what happens.

I have volunteered for 130 hours so far. I made a 200 hour commitment when I started training. There is no time line for me to get my hours in so hoping in another couple of weeks I will be able to get back on and finish my commitment.

I need to find a creative outlet for myself. I am finding I have too much empty space time right now. I feel a bit lost myself and feel a lack of purpose right now. I am giving myself lots of space to ground and permission to rest. I’m sure a lot of what I am feeling is the unrest in the world. It is hard to ground and find a sense of permanency right now in all the chaos of the times. My health situation hasn’t helped as it is so full of unknowns. I look forward to the election being over and my health fully returning.

I do feel better today than I have for a bit. The UTI feels much better and I haven’t had any symptoms of C Diff for a bit. I have a bit more energy today than I did yesterday so I will take that as a sign of getting better. I still have the feeling that things aren’t normal and healed by any means yet. Maybe I will need to rebuild my trust in my own body.

We have a quiet weekend planned. Jason and his family may come out Sunday for a meal. We can’t make plans until we know everyone is healthy on Sunday but are hoping they will be able to come out for a bit. Monday I go to Topeka to the specialist. Sure hoping I get some answers and a solid plan made for my healing.

Grateful I am feeling better today than I have for several weeks, grateful for the sun shining so brightly on the prairie today, and grateful I can book off some time on the Hot Line to attend to my own needs for a bit.

Jim and I took a long drive this afternoon. We headed up V Road and went to Lake Kahola. We kept going north and ended up in Council Grove. From there we went up to the Kanza Prairie lookout that is just south of Manhattan. We got out of the car and sat and looked over the beautiful prairie for a bit.

Got back in the car and ended up coming home through Herrington. It was a wonderful day to get out and away and drive through the hills. I was getting a case of cabin fever and needed to get out somewhere safe. We were gone almost three hours. It was worth half a tank of gas to get out and take a long drive.

Jim has decided not to go to Stillwater this weekend. He wants to be here in case the C Diff comes back. I told him not to put his life on hold for that as I have no idea when I will be over this crap. He can be stubborn sometimes and will be staying at least this weekend. We are both going to Stillwater the end of the month for ten days. I’m hoping I won’t have doctor appointments or tests come up so that I won’t be able to go. We will see what happens.

I cleaned out the chicken coop today. I was down cleaning it when Jim woke up. He came down and helped me finish up. I put a layer of cottonseed hulls down and topped them with a deep layer of straw. It is to get cold the next couple of days and the girls needed some extra warmth. They weren’t sure about the straw but by this evening had it rearranged to their liking.

I didn’t get any painting done today as we turned today into a play day. I’m hoping there will still be a couple of warmer days coming soon so I can get out and get it done.

My new dog collar system came in today. One of the control boxes on the old set went out and the new systems are not compatible with the old one so I had to replace both boxes and both collars. The new collars use batteries instead of being rechargeable. I hope I remember to check the collars for the flashing light that tells me the batteries need replaced. I need to order some replacement batteries so I have them on hand.

I have a Crisis Hot Line shift tonight. I didn’t get a nap today so hoping I can stay alert enough to do a good job tonight. I’m not so tired tonight. The new antibiotic seems to be kicking in and I feel better then I have for a bit.

We don’t have any plans for the rest of the week or the weekend. Jim has his class to teach tomorrow and I have to go to Topeka Monday for my appointment with the Gastrointestinal Doctor. Maybe I will find some energy and motivation to clean house this weekend. It is really getting dirty again. The dust seems to be wanting to move in with me right now.

Grateful for a beautiful drive through the hills today, grateful I am feeling better today, and grateful the girls have fresh linens.

Another beautiful day on the prairie today. Temperatures are in the low 80’s with bright blue skies and lots of sunshine. I love fall days like today. The chickens seemed happy to be released so they could go outside this morning and enjoy the day too.

I made it out to paint for a bit this afternoon. It is ladder work and I found I get tired easily right now. I got about 1/4 of the job done and decided I better take a break. At least I felt good enough to get the project started. I may go do more painting yet today or it may have to wait until tomorrow. Once I get a project started it is easier for me to get back to it and finish it up.

Jim is in town doing a drug run. He had some prescriptions that needed filled and I had one refill that needed picked up as well as a new one my doctor called in today. The UTI needed attention and I have to start a new antibiotic for that today. Crossing my fingers that it doesn’t stir up even more C Diff. I take the last pills of the antibiotic I am on for the C Diff tomorrow.

Jim and I were joking that if it wasn’t for drugs and doctors we wouldn’t have a social life these days. He is picking up a few groceries while he is in town so we don’t have to make another trip in another day or two.

I took a short nap this afternoon. I still seem to get very tired in the afternoons and need to nap. It seems easier to give in and take a nap then to fight off the tiredness.

I need to start a knitting or embroidery project to keep myself busy. The mask making filled my days with something to do and I miss making them but am not ready to go back to them yet. I have lots of free time right now and am having trouble getting motivated to get anything done. The windows are open in the house and it is so dry the dust seems to move right on in. Seems pointless to do much cleaning right now as it won’t stay clean very long. I don’t have anything urgent on my to-do list so have lots of empty space right now. Good time to spend healing my body.

I am slowly coming into acceptance that it is going to be some time before I am back to my normal level of wellness. I am racing the chickens to see if I can get well before they start laying eggs. At least it puts a date out there for my mind to work on and it feels like there will be an end date.

I just read that Oklahoma City is out of ICU beds due to the increased number of COVID patients they are admitting. Jim and I continue to shelter in place and only go to town when necessary. We still haven’t eaten at a restaurant or even picked up food to bring home. With my slow healing rate I can’t take any chances. I think many are hitting COVID fatigue and are starting to get out more than they should. I totally understand that and it is depressing to think we still have months of this to deal with.

We should receive our advance ballots the end of the week or the beginning of next. It will be good to drop our ballots in the box and get that done with. I’m sure looking forward to the election being over. I have election fatigue.

I’m still trying to process this year and all the trauma it seems to have brought to all of us. I remember hearing stories about the depression from my mother and grandmother and saw what an impact living through those days had on them. I have a feeling out grandchildren will be telling their grandchildren about these days in the distant future. I get a strong sense that these days will be in the history books of the future. I wish I could read now what will be written in 50 years about these times. I wonder how these times will change me and my children and grandchildren. I’m sure it will take years for those changes to be fully appreciated and understood.

Grateful Jim went to town for me today to pick up my prescriptions, grateful for the painting I got done today, and grateful I am moving into acceptance of what is for now.