Had counseling yesterday. Came home exhausted and was in bed before 8:00 last night. I am having a great deal of difficulty finding sleep these days. Got a bit last night but not enough.
Today I went to my Hospice training class. It was OK. I certainly learned a lot more during my Death Doula class but that was a much longer class. I had a skin TB test today and go back Friday to have them read that. They have do to a background check and then in a couple of weeks they will assign my first patient. The way they operate I wouldn’t be surprised if it will be the first of next year before they get back in touch. Maybe they will surprise me and call sooner than that.
Counseling went OK Tuesday. The counselor does a nice job of hearing and validating what I am saying. Not sure we are anywhere close to resolving anything yet but it is nice to know that I am not mentally unstable and that she understands what my issues are and that they are legit. She assigned some homework but it doesn’t feel safe for me to attempt to do it. When I told her that she understood. I go back next week and am guessing that it will be more productive.
I had a good conversation with her about boundaries. I had watched a YouTube about boundaries that dealt with what to do if someone doesn’t honor your requested boundary. The speaker on the video said you either learn to live with it not being honored or you need to make a choice to discontinue the relationship. She stressed you also have a choice when someone imposes a boundary on you if you want to honor that boundary or not. Somehow that gave me some breathing space and opened some options up to me. I have the right to reject a boundary request and someone else can reject my request. I had never looked at boundaries that way before.
I was able to clearly state my need to work on myself and what I considered were some of my boundaries. I saw in myself the results of not setting boundaries before and giving too much of myself away. I have a better understanding of why I am where I am now and why I got so empty. I have to take care of myself first. When my pail is empty I am of no good to anyone, myself included. She helped me see how my pail got holes in it and my energy got depleted.
I have been a life-long people pleaser and have been generous to others. I now see the flip side of those behaviors. Every behavior has a head and tail. A strength can become a weakness if things get out of balance. I was horribly out of balance and my strengths had flipped to weaknesses.
I am thinking about getting away for the weekend and giving myself some space to process and think. I go back to Wichita Monday for another counseling session so will need to be home Sunday evening. I have to have my TB test read Friday but could go somewhere for the weekend after that. Now to decide where to go. Ideas anyone?
Stopped at Home Depot and got a different color of deck paint. This color works so may do some deck painting tomorrow if I can get some sleep tonight. I am so tired right now that I’m not sure I would do a very good job painting and what I have to paint is deck railing and that needs my full attention.
I need to make a couple of appointments for next week when I find the energy to make some phone calls. I am too drained to do so today.
My social security check got deposited in the old checking account and then transferred to the new one the bank set up after the attempted bank fraud. I’m grateful the bank handled it properly. That was the last bank activity that I knew of that needed to happened with the old, compromised account so they closed that account out. Glad to have that mess behind me.
Thinking tonight will be another early to bed night. Trusting tonight will be the night that I can get some good sleep. I don’t have anything on my calendar for tomorrow so maybe I can relax and rest.
Grateful for my counselor, grateful for the insights I am getting into my inner workings, and grateful for the work Hospice does for the dying and their families.