Sitting in an almost detail cleaned living room. Taking a break and then I will finish up the rest of it. Feels so good to have this room and the dining room clean. Kitchen is up for tomorrow.
Finally figured out what my restlessness is from. My divorce from Jim was official December 29 last year. A year ago we were in the final negotiations of the divorce and a date was being set for him to come clean out the rest of his stuff. My body seems to be remembering that time and how difficult it was for me. I am allowing these feelings to surface and be heard and to leave. Once I figured it out, they started to calm down. Can’t say it is all gone and probably won’t be until after the 29th but they are certainly easier to deal with knowing what they are.
I think another reason for my restlessness is that seven years ago today, my son-in-law Chris died. I will never forget the phone call from Nicole telling me what had happened. We had Christmas the day before and Chris seemed perfectly fine. Little did we know that a day later he would be dead. The days following were some of the most difficult days of our lives for my family. So grateful we were all able to process it, each in our own way. I don’t think the journey through it is ever over, but we all have found ways to integrate it into our beingness. Every time I see a rainbow, I think of Chris and am reminded he is still a part of our lives and is with us always.
When a loved one dies, the surviving family members have to make a decision at some point to continue living. Allowing joy back in after such tremendous grief is a huge challenge. It is one of the hardest decisions a grieving person ever has to make and it can only be made when the time is right. There is no timeline and each has to find their own way of choosing life and joy again. Sometimes it drips in drip by drip until you can step into life and begin to live fully again.
His death is the guiding force behind my interest in becoming a death doula and my desire to help others make their final wishes known to their loved ones. It is so helpful when a tragedy hits, to know what the person wanted as their last wishes. If I can make a difficult time easier for even one family, my mission will be worth it. If you haven’t made your final wishes and decisions and need help doing so, please reach out. I would love to hold your hand during that process and help you find a way that feels right for you to get your final wishes documented.
Christmas is a challenging time for me. I wasn’t a big fan of it before these things happened around Christmas time and these two major life changing events just added to my complicated feelings around Christmas. I am ever so grateful each year when the New Year’s rolls around and the holidays are over. I know I am not the only one with complicated feelings about Christmas. Reach out if you need some extra support and understanding. I hear you loud and clear and totally get it!
It is 50 out today but it is a touch windy and feels colder than that. It is to warm up to 60 by the weekend. We also have a chance for some rain this week. Crossing my fingers and toes that happens. We are still very dry and need every drop that can find us. The good news is it will come as rain and not ice or snow as it is so warm.
Thursday evening I will be celebrating Winter Solstice with a small group of friends. Friday Kathy and I are going to Wichita to attend the Winter Solstice Spirit Fair at the Cotillion. No plans for the weekend. It will be a quiet Christmas Day on the prairie. I’ll probably make a crock pot of soup and eat on it while I watch the Chiefs football game. If anyone is alone that day, come over and join me.
So grateful I figured out what the restlessness was from. I always feel a bit foolish when it takes me so long to figure it out. I know my body holds memories of major events and serves as a reminder to me of them. Not sure why it took me so long to remember that this time but grateful I did when I did. Once I can figure out what my body is trying to tell me, the feelings can be heard, acknowledged and then they leave.
Grateful for the two rooms that are detailed cleaned, grateful to have figured out the message from my restlessness, and grateful for Chris’s life and the love he shared with my family and the way he still is a part of our family.