I spent a quiet day at home. Didn’t do much of anything today other than walking the dogs. It was nice to have a stay at home day during the week.
I did figure out what is going on within. It was this time two years ago that things were becoming obvious to me that something was very wrong in my relationship with Jim. I think my body memory is reminding me of that very hard time. At this point two years ago, I was beginning to admit to myself that things were amiss but I hadn’t yet figured out what was wrong and what to do about it.
I was unable to come up for air and get above neutral. I knew it wasn’t depression but something else was going on. I was falling down a deep rabbit hole that seemed to have no bottom. When my central nervous system is dis regulated for a long time, it is hard to think rationally.
One of my issues back then, was my overly developed sense of responsibility and feeling like something must be very wrong with me. It remains hard for me to think another person is part of the problem before I examine my own behavior first. I have developed a better sense of personal boundaries now and don’t carry the load so often. I am still a work in progress though.
Life is funny sometimes. The universe had to get my attention using a hard wallop. I had overlooked the subtle signs it had been sending me. I have learned some of my best life lessons through this process though. I do my best to keep myself above neutral so my central nervous system is regulated so I can make the best decision at the time. When I am above neutral, I can also remember my personal boundaries and not allow someone else to dump their issues on me.
I laugh at the timing of all of this going down when it did. From summer solstice to winter solstice is when shadow work is most obvious. I don’t think it was a coincidence that this all went down during that time frame. Man, I had some deep shadow work I needed to do. I will continue to use this time to clear out even more remnants of what needed cleared.
As far as I know, I get to stay home again tomorrow. Now that I have figured out what is going on internally, I may be able to get somethings done now. I have needed some quiet days to process and discover what was behind these intense feelings I have had the last couple of days. I am always grateful for insights into my inner beingness.
Grateful for a stay at home day, grateful for life lessons, and grateful for the helpers and teachers I have had that held space for me.