I didn’t sleep much last night. I got about three or four hours of sleep and woke up around 4:00 and was never able to go back to sleep. It has been a long day.
I did a bit of house work this morning. The dogs have been tracking in and the floors needed attention. Not sure why I did them as when we brought the dogs in this afternoon they really tracked in. I had to redo the floors.
I canceled the group that was to have met this afternoon as one by one the people that were coming had to drop out for various reasons and I only knew of one person that was coming. I sent her a text to let her know I was cancelling the group session. To my surprise someone I didn’t know was coming showed up.
Kathy and I had a delightful conversation with him. We reminded each other that our jobs right now is to focus on ourselves and keep regulated. Then from that state spread all the random acts of kindness we can. We each find different ways to get ourselves regulated and to keep that way. We do ourselves no favor or anyone else for that matter if we drop into fear and worry. Sometimes that means shutting out much of the world for blocks of time.
The conversation this afternoon was divinely perfect. The Universe has a bigger plan for me than I know. I need to loosen my grip and allow and trust in all ways.
I realized today that I need to back off from organizing and leading small groups. They can happen organically as they are needed. My ego was getting in my way and I struggled to let go of a vision I was holding. I now see that my vision needs an update.
I have been feeling this way for quite some time and knew that the end was coming but I had struggled to let go. The last two things I attempted did not turned out the way I had hoped they might. That is another one of my ego issues – expectations. Whenever I have expectations I get disappointed.
Today turned out to be a wonderful blessing in disguise. I am grateful I learned my lesson and am now able to put this thing I have been carrying down. Sometimes it has been hard for me to see the obvious and I am grateful it only took two times this time for me to get my lesson. I feel lighter this evening in a new way.
What happened today really reinforces what I have been reading and learning. The new matrix is calling us to each go inward and do the work that needs done there. My only job is to do my own work. When I can keep myself regulated when I interact with others magic happens on its own and I don’t have to do anything else.
For a co-dependent person this has been a hard lesson for me to accept. I love teaching and leading and it is hard for me to give up. I saw today the benefits of doing so. The new way of being is calling me to do things differently on many levels. Today ended up being a gentle lesson for me and I am grateful for that.
Life these days is beginning to feel much simpler on one level yet more complex on another. It is challenging to find all my old habits and patterns and preferences that I need to let go of. I wonder why it is so hard to allow myself to only focus on myself? Old habits can be so hard to break. I will continue to do my work and remind myself that is all I need to do right now. The Universe will best use me in the ways I can serve best.
I will continue to practice random acts of kindness as often as I possibly can. That is an action that I can take that will help satisfy that nagging itch of mine to do something. Someday I hope that itch will go away but it feels like an addiction to me and it will take lots of work and courage to beat it.
Grateful for the lesson I received from the Universe today, grateful for the person that showed up unexpectedly today, and grateful for the work I am doing on myself.