I realized I haven’t blog for almost a week. It has been a very emotional week for me. I fell flat on my face in the muck pond and it has taken me some time to pick myself up and come out of it.
I get surprised every year when this happens shortly after the Fall Equinox. I set my intentions to work on some things inside of me that I want to change my relationship with. The universe listens and gives me a huge opportunity to learn about them. One of these years I will remember this hard climb is going to happen and not get caught off guard like I did again this year.
For those that haven’t followed me before, the muck pond is that place where you go deep inside yourself where it is dark, you feel stuck, helpless and overwhelmed with what ever is going on around you. When I am there, I tend to go quiet and want others to leave me alone. I am at the bottom of my emotional ladder and feel shame and/or guilt and it feels like I may never see the light again.
I have learned when this happens to me, to take a moment (or an hour, or a day, or a week) and be with my dark, deep feelings and allow them to talk to me. I can’t rush myself through this process. The heaviness takes however much time it needs to take to go through me. If I attempt to rush it, I get to cycle back through it again and the second time hurts even more. Sooner or later, I am able to pick myself up, wash myself off and climb out of the muck pond.
My mentor once told me that the deeper into my emotional self I can go, the higher I can rebound. I have found that to be true over the times that this has happened to me. My emotional ladder seems to grow each time this happens.
I haven’t reached new heights this time around, but I feel myself climbing back up. Some people call this experience the Dark Night of the Soul experience. It is dark and I can feel it is a soul experience. And when I come out of it I have a new perspective on myself.
My experience in the past tells me this will be a transformative time for myself if I allow it to unfold without rushing it. I will gain new insights about myself and will find the courage to make some changes in my life to more closely align myself with my needs. I’m not there yet but am trusting it will come.
I view life as a process of climbing up a mountain. Sometimes you find a nice flat valley and the walk and climb is easy. Sometimes you hit a brick wall and the climb becomes very challenging. Each step upwards brings new perspective and insights if you take the time to understand what is happening within. I’m not sure you ever reach the top of the mountain of life – at least not until you die. Not sure the goal of life is to ever reach the top. Life is about the climb and what you learn about yourself along the way.
We had a wonderful weekend. Nicole and Geoff came home yesterday afternoon. Nicole had a class reunion they went to Saturday evening. We got to have a nice visit with them before the reunion and after they got home. We babysat their dog while they were at the reunion.
This morning all three of my kids and their families met us at Commercial Street Diner and we had breakfast together. It was so fun to sit and visit and not have to cook or do dishes afterwards. Afterwards Nicole and Geoff had to return to KC as Nicole is leaving on a business trip tomorrow.
I haven’t slept much the last two nights. Am trusting that I will crash one of these nights soon without having to take a sleeping pill. I may have to take one tonight though if I can’t sleep. Two nights with only one or two hours of sleep is about my limit.
Tomorrow I need to go to Emporia and run some errands. Jim will be teaching his final OSHER class for this session in the morning. I will probably go to town while he is teaching so I won’t disturb his Zoom class.
Jim is going to CO for a few days on Tuesday. The Y Camp at Estes Park is his home away from home and he is going out to enjoy the fall colors and do some hiking. I’m staying home this time. I need some quiet time to finish processing this last week. After our last trip I am not ready to hit the road again yet.
Grateful for the time with my family this weekend, grateful I have climbed out of the muck pond, and grateful for new insights into my soul.