Saturday, September 19, 2020

Jim and I have been married for six months today. Time flies when you are having fun. March seems like it was three years ago in some ways and three weeks ago in others. Still sometimes forget I am married! Guess I am a bit slow these days.

Not sure what I did today. I took a nap this afternoon as I didn’t sleep well last night and was tired. I probably would have taken a nap even if I did sleep well but it sounds better putting it that way. Naps have become a daily habit for me – for better or for worse.

I have felt good all day except for being tired. No diarrhea or stomach cramps today. My headache has been much better today too. I’ll take a good day anytime! Still don’t feel normal but not sure what normal is anymore.

I worked on mask making again today. Got all the sheet pieces I have cut out pressed and combined with the flannel pieces. Decided I needed two more sheets to have enough sheet pieces to match all the flannel pieces I have cut so I ordered two more sheets today. I can always buy a bit more flannel material if I have left over sheet pieces. I still need to cut the ribbon into pieces to make ties. I also ordered more elastic as I won’t have enough of it either. I will have left over elastic but it isn’t expensive and will save.

Jim wanted left over tacos for dinner tonight. I had fixed him tacos Thursday night and he had left over meat. That will be easy. I will have a bowl of chicken noodle soup with crackers.

Jim went into Emporia to pick up the rest of my antibiotics this afternoon. He needed some more lumber for the desks he is building us for our study. His good tools are still in Stillwater and he is having a time figuring out how to build without his good saws. Hard to have two places and not have what you need at the place you are at.

I had to take a media break today and not read the news. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I try to keep up with all that is happening and need a break. The division in this country feels bigger and bigger to me. I get so frustrated when I see posts from people that can still support Trump and all his lies. I have been unfollowing many people lately. I use Facebook to keep up with friends and family and not to be persuaded on who to vote for. Guess I will miss out on some updates from friends and family but that is the only way I can cope right now. I’m sure others have done that to me too. Maybe I just need to take a Facebook break until after the election. I can post my blog and not read any other posts.

I haven’t made it outside today except to do the chicken chores this morning. Thinking about taking a short walk when I get done writing. I need to start building back up my strength and endurance. Moving my body is one way to do that. It was a month ago that all this C Diff stuff started and I haven’t eaten properly since. My jeans are looser on me now – so I guess something good has come from all of this.

I feel exhausted. Not sure if it is because of the C Diff or something else. I’m exhausted on several levels and getting frustrated again. I’m tired of being sick and tired, I’m tired of all the political division, lies and unrest, I’m tired of white privilege denial, I’m tired of all the racism, I’m tired!

And there will be better days ahead. Sometimes I need to stop and allow what is to fully sink in and give myself time to feel it all. Right now it all feels so heavy and big that I can’t begin to know what to do with it. There is a way out for me but I need to sit with it all first and feel it and process it and then begin to release it – bit by bit. Guess I know what I will be doing during this time of Fall Equinox heading into Winter Solstice. There are bits and pieces of me wrapped around all of this heavy energy and I need to find the roots of them and release them. It will take some time. All will be well. Actually all is well now but I can’t feel that today.

Grateful for Jim and our six months of married life together, grateful for my teachers that have taught me how to deal with all of this, and grateful that all is well.