Four years ago today my son-in-love died. I will never forget the call I got from Nicole that evening telling me. We had held our family Christmas the day before and Chris looked great. 24 hours later he died. After releasing some long held grief today I was able to smile at some of the beautiful memories I have of him. He may be gone but he is still loved and remembered.
His death has taught me so much. I vowed to never take anything for granted again. Nothing is permanent in this life. One must always live in the moment and be grateful for what one has as it may be gone tomorrow.
I have held Chris, Nicole, Michael and Cecil in my heart today. It is a bittersweet day for them. Grief is a never ending process that reminds us how much we loved.
I haven’t gotten any cleaning done today. Just wasn’t in the mood to do so today. I may get some done this evening or it will wait patiently for me to get to it tomorrow or the next day. Some things are more important than cleaning.
When I went down to do chicken chores this morning the light bulb in the heat lamp had fallen out of the heat lamp. The lamp has a shield on it so the bulb didn’t break. I tried fixing it and finally realized the socket had broken it’s weld. I went into the hardware store in Strong City and got a new one along with some extra bulbs. Came home and got it back up and running.
The Amber Star chickens are the friendliest chickens I have ever had. They stay right under my feet when I am in the pen. They like to squat and be petted. They were doing their best to help me change the light bulb.
This has been a rough day for me. I didn’t sleep well again last night and when I tried to take a nap this afternoon I couldn’t sleep then either. Solstice is coming Monday and the last of my shadow work is happening. I will gradually pull out of this dark journey I am on right now. It takes lots of patience and determination to do so though. Some things about myself are hard to face and accept. I will get there sooner or later.
Funny how I can go from having a very productive, peaceful day to having a day that sucks. Guess that is how life goes though. During this time of the year my emotions are all over the board and many times feel out of control. I had a teacher tell me one time that you can only go as high as you are willing to go low. I may be flying when this low period is over.
I have been giving some though as to what I want to set as my intentions for 2021. I have a few ideas but haven’t committed to them yet. Now is a good time to set intentions and plant them in the dark of the Winter Solstice. I have been clearing out old behaviors and thoughts to make room for something new to grow. I’m looking forward to Spring Equinox and the return of more light beginning next week.
Grateful for this journey I am on, even when I have dark days, grateful for the life and love of Chris Gustafson, and grateful for my memories of days gone by.