Starry night on the prairie

Sleep was almost impossible to find last night. Got about two hours of sleep from 6:00 – 8:00 this morning. I have struggled to stay awake this afternoon. Betting it will be an early bedtime for me tonight and trusting that I will be able to find sleep.

Finally got a call from the specialist I was referred to. My appointment is October 13. Yes, October! Trusting my bladder won’t fall out before then. Yikes!

Made a quick trip to Emporia to check out something at the rental house. The guy that is cleaning up the yard was there doing his thing. I didn’t bother him and talk to him. Went in the house and checked on what I came to town for and came home.

I didn’t hear from the plumber. He was supposed to show up today. Maybe tomorrow? That seems to be the story of my life lately – people not doing what they said they will do.

My dear neighbor is going to do the washing machine and dryer switch for me tomorrow. Tagen was supposed to have taken care of it but didn’t manage to get it done. Grateful for Phil and his willingness to help me out often.

Tomorrow is Sophia’s surgery. I have to have her at the Vet before 8:30 tomorrow morning. She can’t eat after 10:00 tonight. I should be able to pick her up tomorrow afternoon between 4:00 and 5:00. The plugged sweat gland was drained last week but it is already full again. Trusting surgery will take care of the problem for good.

I was not surprised when I heard the Big Beautiful Bill passed the Senate. Moran backed out and didn’t challenge it. He must want to run again. My heart is heavy tonight as I sit with the possible ramifications of this bill. Trusting the House will have enough dissenters that it will be stopped but am not counting on that happening. Back door deals are being made and egos are involved.

It has been interesting reading others opinions and thoughts about what now. I think we all need to take a deep breath and pause and allow ourselves to feel our big feelings without acting on them. Sitting with this heaviness and anger is hard but an essential first step. If we fall in despair and fear we become part of the problem.

I still think we can’t solve this problem with the same energy that created it. I need to double down on my own inner work and find ways to stay as high above neutral as I can be. A mentor I follow wrote:

This is the work of the new timeline:
to see the light
to amplify the light
to become the light

Light is all around us but when we are angry and fearful we block it out. Finding ways to be the light and then to share the light is the answer. What can I do in my own community to share the light? I saw a list of needs from the local food pantry that I can take to the store and buy things to help them out. I am going to call the local ICE detention center and see what needs the female clients have and take care of those (thinking personal care items like tampons, etc). I need to direct this deep anger into action in love.

It doesn’t feel like enough in the moment yet I know deep in my bones that if everyone would respond in love and share that love in our community we can make a difference and drown out the national chaos. If and when this bill is finalized and the ripple effect starts to be felt our neighbors will need us to lend a helping hand.

I will continue to make my voice heard and protest when I find one. However, I will carry signs stating what I want as opposed to what I am against. Being against something pulls me down to a lower vibration. I want to march for peace and love for all. I want to sing love songs and unite with fellow humans that share my vibration.

I would love to hear your thoughts about the situation and what you plan on doing about it. Together we can rise above this and bring a new way of being to the world.

Grateful I finally have an appointment and trusting I can keep my bladder inside my body until then, grateful things are progressing at the rental house, and grateful for love in all ways and in all things.

Kathy and I were in Emporia by 9:30 this morning. A realtor came to the rental house so she could get the property listed. The house was not ready to be shown but luckily she could see past the clutter. The realtor is finding people to come haul away the left over stuff and then someone to clean it and take care of the yard.

Kathy and I picked up Ellexia and we went for our spa treatment. Kathy and I had pedicures and Ellexia got a manicure. It felt so good to have someone rub my calves and feet. I need to remember to do that more often. I enjoyed the time with Ellexia today. This was her idea of a fun day and I am looking forward to the next one.

After we got beautified we went to 627 for lunch. We were going to go to Bruff’s but it was closed. I had chicken tenders and they were good. We took Ellexia home after we were done eating.

I called a plumber to go to the rental house and fix a dripping bath tub faucet. I thought that had been taken care of but I guess the plumber I had called several months ago never showed up.

I went back to Emporia later this afternoon and checked out the house again. Tagen got the last of what he wanted out of it. The realtor happened to have stopped back by so we touched base again. She said the market is not moving much right now so it may be a bit before the house sells. We shall see what happens.

If you know of someone looking for a two bedroom, one bath, no basement with a big back yard in Emporia let me know. This is a perfect starter home or rental. It would make a cute BnB place too.

Got a form from an insurance company today that I think is what we needed. Need to make an appointment with someone and try to get that taken care of later this week. Sure wish I spoke “insurance” so I knew for sure what I was doing.

Feeling tired this evening. I am disappointed in what the house looked like and the work I now have to have done to get it ready to sell. Grateful there are people that make things go away. Trusting that the sale process with go quickly and smoothly.

No plans for tomorrow. Still haven’t heard from the surgeon about an appointment. They had told the nurse it takes them a week to get back to make appointments. It is a week tomorrow. Trusting they will call this week. They are my second option. Not sure what my third option will be if I don’t hear from them.

Sitting with my disappointment this evening. Allowing it to be heard and felt. I had a hard lesson to learn in all of this and am trusting I have learned what was needed. I can look back and see what I did wrong and am proud of myself for course correcting and not allowing it to drag on. Self progress can be slow and hard!

Grateful we are making progress to get the house listed, grateful for a realtor that has contacts with people that make things go away, and grateful for time with Ellexia today.

This has been a very quiet stay-at-home type of day. I did accomplish doing two loads of laundry and have it folded and put away. That’s about all I have done today.

Kathy was ambitious and got the yard mowed this morning and is out weed eating now. She loves the heat and being outside and working in the yard. I’m grateful she does as I don’t.

Tomorrow I am meeting a realtor at 10:00 at Tagen’s house and will get that house listed for sale. After that I am meeting Ellexia for lunch and then for our pedicure and manicure date. That will be fun!

I’m anxious to hear how much the realtor thinks she can get for the house. Real estate prices seem to continue to climb. Not sure how young families can afford to buy a house these days. Trusting the house will pass inspections and we will have a quick and smooth close.

I’m grateful I agreed to have surgery on Sophia as her plugged sweat gland is already filling back up again. She has to be at the Vet before 8:30 Wednesday morning for her surgery. She should get to come home Wednesday late afternoon if all goes well.

I’ve taken my blood pressure a couple times this weekend and it is still a touch high but not dangerously high like it was in the doctor’s office. I will keep an eye on it and if it doesn’t go back down to my normal range I will call the doctor in a few days. It has been a stressful couple of months and I haven’t been sleeping well. Trusting I am on the back end of things and that things will calm back down again soon.

No plans for the July 4th weekend. I don’t enjoy fireworks and neighbors have already started shooting them off. Plan on staying home and turning up the music to drown out the bangs.

Hard to believe the year is almost half over already. The first part of it went very slowly but time seems to have sped up lately. May and June came and went and in my mind we are still in April. Yikes! My relationship to time is off these days.

I sent Senator Moran an email today. Not sure it does any good to send them but it does make me feel like at least I did something. I had to quit reading about the Big Beautiful Bill when I heard that one of the provisions is that those on Medicaid have to reapply every six months. I also read that if the bill goes through as written it is forecast that close to 50% of nursing homes will close. And then what? All so the rich can have lower taxes? I had to turn it off and not go down that rabbit hole. Worry doesn’t help me change anything and it causes me to drop my own vibration. I have to believe love wins or else what is the point?

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful for clean clothes, and grateful Kathy likes to mow even on hot summer days.

This has been a quiet day at home. I did get a few housecleaning chores done. The refrigerator was way overdue for a good cleaning. I also dusted the house. The dust was thick enough I could have written my name in it. It never seems to stay dust free very long but it is nice for a couple of days.

I did go to Strong City so I could have a late lunch at Jacalito. I saw four people doing the Highway 50 protest. I wished I had known that was going to happen as I would have joined them. I was going to stop and talk to them after I was done eating but they were gone by then. Thank you to the four brave souls that were out by the side of the highway in this heat today. I salute you!

It is nice to be relatively pain free. Not sure if it is the magic cream or the Celebrex or a combination of both but my knee is much less painful. If I concentrate hard enough on it I can feel a tiny bit of discomfort but it is very low. The Doctor told me to take the Celebrex twice a day for a week and then I could stop taking it if the pain was gone. I can use the cream up to four times a day but haven’t felt the need to do so.

No plans for tomorrow either. I may go to town and check out Tagen’s house. He is to be all moved out by tomorrow. I have a realtor coming over Monday and I want to make sure the house is ready to be seen by a realtor. Trusting I won’t have much to do before we can list the house. Last time the house I sold needed some minor cosmetic work done and the realtor took care of it.

I’m looking forward to the time with Ellexia on Monday and getting a pedicure. I haven’t had one for several years. I love getting my lower legs and feet rubbed. I should treat myself to a pedicure more often, just never think to go get one.

Waiting on responses to the letters I sent earlier this week before I can take next steps on the two projects I am working on. Trusting those responses will come sooner or later. As slow as mail is these days it may be a couple of weeks before the responses get here.

It may be a week free of paperwork if the responses don’t come in this week. That would be a nice break for me. It seems like my projects happen in spurts with pauses in between. At least that gives me a chance to catch my breath and build up some energy until the next round.

Today sitting in the in between space feels comfortable and doable. Some days it doesn’t so I will appreciate this easy day with it. I don’t have much on my to-do list or pending list that I can do right now. Most everything on the list is waiting on someone or something else to happen before I can take the next step.

Feels good to be back above neutral. The news is overwhelming and depressing these days. I have learned to tune it out when it starts to pull me down. I do myself nor the world any favors when I fall into despair and overwhelm. I have to believe that love will win and I have to believe that keeping myself above neutral will help. Easier said than done some days though.

Grateful for being almost pain free today, grateful the refrigerator is clean again, and grateful love will win.

I had an orthopedic doctor appointment at 9:00 this morning so had to get up and get going. I didn’t sleep much last night as I had taken a nap the day before. During the night my knee started throbbing and it was a long, painful night.

The doctor’s office felt empty this morning and I got called right back even though I got there as requested 15 minutes early. All I interacted with were pleasant and efficient.

My blood pressure was very high today for some reason. I am to take it at home over the weekend and if it doesn’t go back down to normal I am to call my physician Monday.

They took several X-rays of my knee and then put me back in the room to wait for the doctor. It didn’t take him long to come in. He manipulated my knee in several ways.

He thinks I have arthritis that has flared up. I may have some minor meniscus or ligament damage but he wants to try a more conservative approach first.

He prescribe an anti inflammatory pill and a custom compound cream. I am to go back in a month if the pain isn’t gone and he will try a steroid injection. If that doesn’t work then he will do an MRI and go from there.

I left his office at 9:15 and went to Commercial Street Diner for breakfast. Jason was able to come join me and I got to spend some time with him. Breakfast was delicious as always and service was the best in town.

After breakfast I stopped at the pharmacy across the street from the hospital as they are the only pharmacy that can make the custom compound cream he ordered. They needed 30 more minutes to get it ready so I left to go do my other errands.

I drove by Michelle’s house on the way to Walmart. From the outside the work the contractor did looks great. She will need to reseed the area this fall but otherwise it looks good. I saw Tagen for a hot minute but didn’t stay long as he hadn’t gotten up for the day yet.

Went to Walmart to pick up another prescription and some groceries. Thankfully I stopped at the pharmacy first as they hadn’t received the script yet. I had to call the doctor’s office and have them resend it. After that ten minute phone call I picked up what groceries I needed and then went back to the pharmacy. After a ten minute wait they had it ready.

Went back to the other pharmacy and had to wait another ten minutes for them to have the script ready.

I was exhausted by then and came home. Not sure why the Walmart pharmacy had not received the script the first time it was sent but that seems to be my mojo these days with modern medicine.

Came home and put the groceries away and took the new pill and put the cream on my knee. This afternoon my knee is almost pain free! Yeah! I can use the cream up to four times a day if needed. That stuff must have some magic in it.

Took a long chair nap again this afternoon. I was frustrated with the wait at both pharmacies. A 20 minute wait turned into a two hour wait and am still not sure why the script that had been sent from the office while I was in the office hadn’t been received. Together the two scripts were over $200.

Felt better after my nap. It is nice to be almost pain free and my cranky pants seem to have gone away. I have a few things I want to take care of this evening and feel like I have the energy to do them. We shall see if I do.

No plans for the weekend. It will be nice to have a couple stay-at-home days ahead. I have a couple of things I would like to do so we shall see if I get to any of them.

Monday I am meeting a realtor at Tagen’s house so I can get it listed. Afterwards Ellexia and I are going to lunch and then I am getting a pedicure and Ellexia is getting a manicure. This will be a fun day. Wednesday Sophia has her surgery so will be going to town twice to take her and then go back to pick her up. Thursday I am meeting a friend for lunch.

Hoping to get some paperwork back next week so I can continue the work on Max’s estate and Kathy’s stuff. It sure will be nice when both of those projects are completed.

Still haven’t heard from the surgeon. Trusting his office will call the first part of next week. This has become a marathon of waiting. Betting it will be a month or more before I actually get to see him. Good thing this isn’t urgent!

Our modern medicine system feels very broken to me. Delays, insurance dictates protocols, prescription cost that prevent many from taking the drugs that would be helpful, appointments that are hard to procure and long waits when you do get one. Surely we can do better than this. I keep searching and listening for the lesson that is in all of this for me. I had to talk myself out of the feeling of not being seen or heard today.

Yesterday I was able to replace the crock pot lid handle that I had melted the week before. I found the part on Amazon and it came in and I was able to put it on. I get ridiculously proud of myself when I can fix something like that. Simple task but I am not always successful accomplishing it.

I was able to talk myself out of the rabbit hole this afternoon. I took a quick dip into the muck pond but am out of it already. I can’t always do it that quickly. Sleep helped! Being almost pain free helped too. I forget how chronic pain can drain a person and my pain wasn’t as bad as many suffer with.

This has been a chaotic two months with way too much drama and decisions that needed to be made. Trusting that life will slow down and become slow and simple again. I remember the first of May not being sure what I was going to do as I had so much empty space on my calendar. Need to remember not to worry about that as things have a way of coming up. I relish the thought of weeks of empty space that may be coming up for me.

Grateful for a compassionate and kind doctor and staff today, grateful for drugs that are giving me great pain relief, and grateful for an empty space type of weekend coming up.

I got more sleep last night than I have been getting. I am sleep deprived though so still feeling tired. Have a lot of sleep to catch up on.

I got the paperwork ready to mail to file Max’s probate. Trusting I read it all correctly and have everything I need. I don’t speak legal and sometimes it can be tricky to know what they want. Not sure how many terms I had to look up to make sure I knew what they were saying. Not sure what happens next or when I might hear back. Mail is slow these days and it may take a week or more before they get the application. We shall see what happens.

Have spent a quiet day at home. I did run to Emporia to take care of an errand. It was a quick trip to town and back. I did remember to go through the car wash and fill my car with gas while I was out and about.

Tomorrow I am meeting Tagen for lunch at noon. I have a couple things I need to get resolved with him. I should be able to list the rental house for sale by the end of the month. I will call a realtor tomorrow and get that process started.

I need to do a banking thing tomorrow and go to the court house and check on how I transfer a title to a vehicle to a different county. I love small towns as neither of those things should take long. I need to get car tags for my cars sometime soon, I might go ahead and get them tomorrow since I will be at the court house anyways. Not sure they can give them to me before July 1 but I will ask.

It feels good to cross some things off my pending list. I have been patiently waiting for the timing to be right to proceed with some of these things. Now that I have some empty space time it feels right to move these projects forward. I am still waiting on a surgeon date before I schedule Max’s Celebration of Life Dinner. Trusting I can get the surgeon’s date nailed down this week. It has been over three weeks since I was to have been referred.

One of the things I need to do tomorrow is have someone look at my sore knee. It has been bothering me for several weeks and is not getting better. I may go to urgent care for that. I also need to call and get an appointment for Sophia and have someone check out the mass on her back end.

It will be productive week if I can take care of all of these things. I put everything on hold last week and it will be good to get them all taken care of. Trusting they will all go smoothly and efficiently.

Saw lots of reminders on Facebook today about staying in love during these hard times. It can get overwhelming reading the news and it is easy to fall into worry. Doing something for someone else is one way to step out of worry. I want to call the local food bank and find out what their greatest need is so I can pick things up for them. I get the strongest urge to do something but I often don’t know what that something is. Buying food for a food bank is one thing I can do. Staying in the vibration of Love is another thing I can do.

Grateful the probate paperwork is completed, grateful I have a list of things to do this week so I can stay organized and productive, and grateful I get to have lunch with Tagen tomorrow.

Last night I made a batch of zucchini bread. Keith had brought three big zucchini when he came to family day last week. The bread turned out wonderful. Not sure we are going to be able to eat all of it though. It made a double batch. I only have one loaf pan so I put the rest of it in muffin tins. That worked!

Had trouble sleeping last night so got up early. I did some house chores this morning but not much else. I took a nap in my bed this afternoon. I laid in bed for a long time. My soul needed isolation and quiet this afternoon.

It was a nice day to take a break from paperwork. I had a phone call to make but decided to put it off a day. Not a people day for me.

Still no word from the surgeon. I really hope they call tomorrow. It has been over three weeks since I saw the OB/GYN and still no referral appointment.

Tomorrow morning I have to be in Emporia at 8:45 to see the orthopedic doctor about my knee. Have a feeling physical therapy is in store for me. We shall see what he says.

I need to stop and pick up groceries after my appointment. I haven’t bought groceries since I got some when Kathy’s kids came so am out of most perishables. I need to stop by Tagen’s house and see how the move out is going. I also want to drive by Michelle’s house and check out the foundation repair.

No plans for the weekend. It feels good to slow things down. Next week I have plans on three different days.

Today was a slow down day. Felt a bit isolated and out of sorts. I’m still processing all that happened last week and releasing it. I have some sadness to release as well as anger. It takes me a bit to allow myself to access those feelings and allow them to surface. I spent years pushing them down and it is still a bit foreign to me to allow them. It can be physically draining.

Grateful for a quiet, slow day at home, grateful I will get some answers about my knee tomorrow, and grateful for fresh zucchini that can be turned into yummy bread.

Happy birthday to my brother Gene. This is his first birthday away from us with his physical presence. It felt weird not making a batch of fudge and buying some Pringles and Vienna sandwich cookies to mail to him. Maybe I will make a batch of fudge and share with some friends in his honor later today.

I feel like a slug under a rock today. No energy at all. I slept in this morning and took a chair nap this afternoon. Maybe the energy of all the chaos from last week caught up to me and slowed me way down today.

Kathy and I made four phone calls this morning dealing with an insurance issue. Three of the four people we spoke to were efficient and helpful. I appreciated their help. I don’t speak insurance and if you don’t use the exact term some of them don’t know what you want. We shall see if they send the proper forms we requested today. As slow as the mail is these days it could take several week before the forms show up.

After the phone calls were made I took three letters to the post office to mail by certified mail. Trusting I used the proper language in the letters and what I need to happen will happen.

Took Sophia to the Vet. I had two papers I needed to drop off to two different people in Emporia. It was too hot to leave Sophia in the car so she got to go in places with me. She acted like it was something she did everyday and got in and out of the car like a pro.

Sophia has a plugged sweat gland cyst on the end of her back. The Vet said it was the largest one she had ever seen. The Vet drained it and it took several minutes to get most of the fluid out. Sophia will have surgery next Wednesday so they can remove it. The Vet said since it was so large we will have trouble keeping it drained and each time they drained it the skin will stretch thinner and thinner and eventually the skin will start tearing and it will become an open wound. It is a day surgery so no overnight will be required if things go as planned.

Came home and took a chair nap. I did manage to renew my car tags on-line when I woke up. Have no other plans for the day. I only had one other thing on my to do list for the day and I will carry that over to tomorrow. Don’t have it in me to make one more phone call today.

I have a stay at home day tomorrow. Friday I have to go back to Emporia to go to the knee doctor. I need to remember to make a grocery list and pick up a few things. The cupboards are getting to be slim pickings around here. So far I don’t have any plans for the weekend unless I go to a protest on Saturday.

Next week is looking busy again. Monday Ellexia and I are going to lunch and then I am having a pedicure and Ellexia is having a manicure. Wednesday I have to go to town twice to take and pickup Sophia from her surgery, and Thursday I am meeting a friend for lunch.

Still haven’t heard from the prolapse surgeon. The nurse did call me this morning to tell me the referral had been received and that the referring doctor’s office will call within seven days to schedule my appointment. Yikes! This process keeps getting dragged out. One of these days I will get an appointment. I did appreciate the follow-up from the nurse but wish that had happened one of the other four times I had called.

I think we are getting to the bottom of the paperwork barrel. Will have more paperwork to do when forms come back and I get responses to the letters that were mailed. It will be nice to have a short break until Round Two begins.

Tagen is to be moved out of the house by next Monday. I will need to get the house thoroughly cleaned and a realtor in it to get it listed next week. Trusting it will sale as fast as the other rental house I sold last year did. It will be good to be down to only having one rental property to manage.

Paperwork is no longer fun for me. I used to do so much of it when I did the books for McDonald’s. I have gotten out of the habit of dealing with it and it can feel overwhelming at times. It will be good to have it all sorted out and done with. One paper at a time – I can do this!

Low energy type of day. My body is telling me it is time to slow things way down. I needed to schedule some fun days in and next week that is going to happen twice. Finding balance in what I do is hard to do sometimes for me. I’m grateful my body reminds me to take fun time too.

Grateful for helpful insurance agents today, grateful Sophia’s mass is not too serious, and grateful for chair naps on low energy types of days.

It has been a quiet stay-at-home day. I am even still in my pajamas. I needed a rest and recovery type of day.

I called the OB/GYN office and spoke to a nurse. It has been a month since my appointment when I found out I have a prolapse and still haven’t heard from a surgeon. She told me the orders were faxed and she would call and find out what is going on. To no surprise when she called back she said the surgeon’s office hadn’t received the orders and she would send them again. She is to follow up with me tomorrow to make sure the surgeon’s office calls. Not sure I believe that at this point.

I asked a friend to look over a life insurance policy to see if I was missing something. He agreed with me that the policy was junk. He advised me to send a certified letter to get the payments stopped and to send a letter to the KS Insurance Commission to ask for their help in getting funds back. I got the letters written and I will mail them via certified mail tomorrow.

Did some organizing of papers today and got them put in marked envelopes so we can find what we need. Tomorrow I need to make a couple of phone calls and figure out a couple things.

Have a long list of things I need to do tomorrow. Not sure why so many things are popping up to be dealt with but hoping I can get through them and allow things to slow down again. It will be good to have all this little stuff taken care of.

I am taking Sophia to the Vet tomorrow to have a mass looked at. I won’t be able to do any errands while I am in town as it is too hot to leave her in the car while I run into a store. Still haven’t made a grocery list but I can take care of that when I go back to Emporia Friday.

Feeling a bit drained this afternoon. I got so angry when I found out the referral had not been received after I have checked four times with this office to find out what is going on. Incompetence is hard for me. I’m grateful this issue isn’t considered urgent but I wonder why my being uncomfortable isn’t considered. Not sure what I am going to do if I don’t have an appointment on the books by Friday.

And this too shall pass. Things always get resolved sooner or later and sometimes the timing works out better when things get delayed. Hard to sit with the delay in the moment though.

Grateful for the friend that helped with the life insurance policy, grateful for the progress we are making on the paperwork issues, and grateful for to-do lists so I don’t forget something.

This has been a productive but way too busy of a day. Managed to cross lots of things of my pending and to-do lists.

I went to the post office this morning to mail the probate information certified mail. Then I went to the bank and took care of a banking thing. Went to the court house to find how what I needed to do to transfer the title of the truck to Tagen. I will do the actual transfer in Emporia since that is where Tagen lives. I trust the people in Chase County to give me good advice so I started there.

Went to Emporia and met Tagen for lunch. We enjoyed our lunch at Bobby D’s. I came home afterwards and didn’t stop for groceries as I forgot to check the refrigerator and make a list of what I needed.

Got a call from the contractor that is fixing Michelle’s foundation and he let me know he was almost finished. He was able to do the work at the minimum bid he had quoted me. He had a back up bid in case the work was more extensive than he could see. Grateful he was able to do it at his low bid price. I got a check written for him and put it in the mail box to go out tomorrow.

Kathy got a call from her life insurance company. Neither one of us liked the guy that called and we still aren’t sure what prompted the call. They said we had scheduled it but I don’t think that was the case. The guy told us that he had to check in with the policy holder occasionally to make sure things were good. Why would we have scheduled a call to do that when we didn’t know they did that? I am grateful he called as we needed to make some changes to the policy. He kinda answered our questions but I didn’t trust what he said. I’m going to check with a friend that understands insurance and make sure I am understanding what I am reading. They are to call us back tomorrow – we shall see if they do.

The Emporia VA lady called and helped Kathy with that application. That lady was wonderful and is doing her best to help Kathy. I appreciate people like that.

I made an appointment with an Orthopedic doctor on Friday so he can tell me what is wrong with my knee. I am taking Sophia to the Vet on Wednesday to have a mass looked at.

Still haven’t heard from a surgeon. I am going to call the OB/GYN that I saw a month ago and beg for their help tomorrow. Does it really take a month to get an appointment scheduled? I’m sure it will be another month or more wait once I get an actual appointment. Yikes! Good thing they don’t think this is urgent.

I called my tree guy and got put on his list to come take down some dead limbs. He didn’t give me an estimated date of when he might get to them. At least I am on his list.

Tomorrow I think I get to stay home. I need a quiet day after a busy day like today. I am going to town Wednesday to take Sophia to the Vet, Thursday to meet a friend for lunch, and Friday to go to the doctor. This empty space week has filled in quickly and it is only Monday.

Kathy and I both commented that we are exhausted after today. Way too many phone calls and interactions for my liking. I usually can only handle one or two a day and today felt like I did hundreds of them. A little exaggerated but that is what it felt like!

Feeling brain tired tonight. I had to make lots of little decisions today and I am feeling decision fatigue. Trusting we are getting to the end of things that need taken care of and we can slow things down a bit. I am craving my boring, quiet life.

Grateful for all the things crossed off my lists today, grateful I was able to make phone calls today, and grateful for a quiet day ahead tomorrow.

I slept in two parts last night. Went to bed early and slept for a couple of hours. I was up from midnight until 4:00 and then was able to find sleep again and slept until 7:30. I feel tired today. One of these days soon I will crash and burn and sleep a long time.

A dear friend and her husband picked me up at 11:30 and we went to Pioneer Bluffs for a lunch and a Prairie talk. The food was brisket, baked beans, cheesy potatoes and Cole slaw. It was delicious!

After I finished eating I grabbed a big trash bag and went around and collected plates, and other trash from the people as they finished eating. They were short on volunteers today and I know how to do trash.

As we got ready to go upstairs to listen to the presentation I noticed there wasn’t a volunteer at the chair lift. I helped about five people get up the lift safely and then found a chair to sit in and listen to the presentation.

The presentation was done by Annie Wilson of Five Oaks Ranch. She took us through the history of their land starting 100 years ago. The detail was wonderful and their land has a rich history. It is wonderful to see and hear from those that love the land and are great stewards of it.

It was hot outside today. The barn had a bit of a breeze blowing through it but it was still hot. Felt good to get in the air conditioned car for the ride home. I sure appreciated the ride today and the conversation we had in the car. How does one do life without dear friends?

After I got home I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen a bit. That is about all I have done today though. The heat takes it out of me and I have little energy or motivation to do much. There is a strong wind blowing today – not sure if that helps it feel cooler or not. I think if you were out in the wind very long it would get annoying rather quickly.

No plans for tomorrow. I need to take stock of the refrigerator and see if I need any groceries. I will need to run to town sooner or later and restock. The only thing I have on my calendar for next week is a lunch with a friend on Thursday. Kathy has a couple of appointments and needs to get another one on her calendar for next week. I may need to go to one of those with her.

I need to remember to call and get an appointment so someone can check out my sore knee. It has been bothering me for three weeks and is not easing up any. It hasn’t gotten any worse either. I also need to get an appointment to get a mass on Sophia checked out. I have a banking thing I need to take care of next week too.

Hoping Monday I can figure out what the delay is about getting an appointment with a surgeon. The doctor’s office referred me to a different surgeon last Monday and that office didn’t call me either. I am wondering if my phone number on the referral form is wrong. This has gone on way too long and I need some help from the referring doctor’s office to fix it.

Next week I want to file for probate for Max’s estate. I decided to go ahead and do it and then things will be completed and not hanging out there. It should be a fairly simple process as he has a very small estate and only one account that needs taken care of. We shall see if it is as easy as they make it sound like it will be.

It feels like things are going to start opening up for me and I can get some things moving that have been on my pending list for a while. I had put some things on hold since we had a busy week planned for this week. Now that it is over I have the time to move some things along.

Feeling less overwhelmed with the situation that happened earlier this week. I need to continue to sit with it and release it. It feels like everything changed yet nothing changed. The good news is there is no immediate impact so nothing needs to be done about any of it immediately. I trust that solutions will come with time.

Grateful for some time with dear friends today, grateful for air conditioning in both cars and houses, and grateful for empty space and quiet.

Kathy’s kids left this morning. It is nice to go back to quiet and silence.

I put the kitchen back together again and hand mopped the floor. I hadn’t hand mopped the floor in a long time and I found lots of dirt. Feels good to have it clean again.

I’ve done four loads of laundry today. Changed the sheets on my bed and got it made up. All the laundry is folded and put away!

This has definitely been a rest and recovery day. There was a lot of drama and emotion this week and my soul needed a quiet day to reset. I finally feel like I am back above neutral. Now that I spend the majority of my time above neutral it is hard on my body when I drop below and stay there for a couple of days. I missed the natural rhythm of my body!

Tomorrow I have an event at Pioneer Bluffs to attend at noon. It is going to be a hot one. I trust I will be able to make myself go. I don’t do well in the heat. Some good friends of mine are going and I would love to see them and visit with them. That might provide enough motivation for me to go. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Still haven’t heard from a surgeon. Wondering what is up with this delay? Not sure if the referring doctor has had issues or if the doctor that I am being referred to is having issues. Sure frustrating whatever the cause. It has been three weeks now and I’m sure it will be a couple weeks wait once the appointment is made. Good thing this wasn’t considered urgent. It is uncomfortable for me but guess that doesn’t fit in the equation somehow.

My knee is still bothering me. It has been about three weeks on that hurting too. If I take a big dose of ibuprofen it calms down but I have to take meds twice a day to get relief. Not good on my tummy to take that much. Guess I will need to call and go see someone next week about it. Whatever is going on it isn’t going away. The good news is it isn’t getting worse but it causes enough pain I don’t want to live with it long term.

My brother brought me three huge zucchini that I need to use up. I love zucchini bread so will probably make some of that. One of the zucchini he brought will make several loaves of bread though. Not sure what to do with the other two.

Next week I have lots of empty space. I am meeting Tagen one day to transfer his truck. It is almost time to get a realtor to come and list the house for sale. Trusting that can happen next week too. I am also meeting a friend for lunch on Thursday – really looking forward to that.

Still sitting with a situation that happened this week. Working on releasing my anger and frustration. It seems to be leaving in small bits at a time. This is going to take some time to work through. I am working on being patient with myself and allowing the feelings to rise and be heard so they can leave in peace. I am reminding myself to stay present to what is and not anticipate what the long-term effects of all of this will be.

I am proud of myself for setting my boundaries and stepping away from the chaos of the situation. I keep telling myself I am not responsible for the reactions of others. Easier said than done though!

Grateful for the peace of the day, grateful for empty space again, and grateful for fresh sheets on my bed.

What a day. I am tired tonight! I had to get up early so I could have Sophia in Marion at Spur Ridge for her spa day by 8:15. Sophia walked right in like she owned the place and went right back.

Came home and started fixing dinner. I put the pot roasts in the crock pot to cook all day. I added potatoes and carrots later in the day. Fixed a pink fluff salad and baked two pies. Fixed a pudding dessert. This afternoon I fixed macaroni and cheese and beer bread muffins.

This kitchen is not as fun to cook in as my last kitchen. I forgot to clean up as I went and I had (have) one big mess in my kitchen tonight. I am over halfway done cleaning it up. Some of it may wait till morning.

Nicole came around noon. I ordered a pizza from Casey and that is what we had for lunch. This afternoon Nicole and I went back to Marion to pick up Sophia. She looks wonderful all cleaned up and smelling good. They said she did a great job. They didn’t have to knock her out to cut her hair. It took them several hours to get through it all though. I will definitely take the dogs back to Spur Ridge for grooming when they need it done again.

My brother Chad came shortly after we got home. Shortly after he came a lady came to help Kathy with some paperwork. My brother Keith, his wife and youngest son came as the lady was finishing up the paperwork. Michelle, Ellexia and Tagen showed up too so I had a full house for dinner. I think there were 12 of us if I counted right.

All the food turned out OK. Had too many leftovers but that is normal for me. I sent the leftover macaroni and cheese home with Tagen. I think he ate half the pan of it himself tonight. He didn’t have many leftovers to take home.

Tomorrow I will need to carry the tables and chairs back to the shed and do the laundry from the linens I used. I will finish cleaning up the kitchen in the morning and mop the floor. I am too tired to finish it all up tonight.

Kathy’s kids will head out in the morning for the long drive home. I trust they will have a safe journey home.

This has been a busy and emotional week. It will be good to get back to empty space. Kathy and I have some homework to do next week but we can do it at a slower pace than we worked on things this week. I need to sit down and review what has been done and what needs to be done so we don’t miss something.

My mantra for the day is someone’s reaction to what I do is not my issue. I have had to remind myself of that several times today. As a chronic people pleaser that is a hard one for me.

This busy week has reminded me how lucky I am to have a quiet life most of the time. I function best with lots of down time and empty space. That has been in short supply this week.

Sitting in a bit of a confused state tonight. Too much happened this week and it is going to take me some time to process all of it. I’m grateful my calendar is very empty next week to allow me time to unpack all that happened so I can release it.

Grateful for family time, grateful the meal was a success, and grateful the quiet returns tomorrow.

I got some sleep last night at last. But when that happens I usually feel even more tired the next day. Trusting I will get more sleep tonight.

Took the day off from preparing meals for the kids. The girls had to drive to KC this morning to pick up their brother. Kathy had a doctor’s appointment at 2:00 so we met them all there.

After the doctor’s appointment I came home and rested a bit. The others joined me at 5:00 and a lady came over with some information. Afterwards we had a family meeting.

The kids and Kathy left to go find dinner somewhere. I am going to go to bed early as I have to be up early. Sophia has to be in Marion before 8:30 in the morning so I have to get up and get going early. Sophia is getting a spa day and a haircut. Not sure that is her idea of a fun day but she needs some help for heat relief. Her coat is a mess and is heavy. This hot weather is hard on her.

Tomorrow afternoon and evening is family day. Some of my kids and grandkids are coming out as well as my two brothers. I am fixing a meal for all tomorrow night. It will be fun to have a house full of family.

The kids are leaving for home Friday morning. It will be a long drive for them but there are three in the car that will switch off driving. They have fun together so it will be a long but fun trip for them.

I have an event to go to Saturday at noon but have Friday free as a recovery day. Luckily my calendar for next week is wide open. It will be good to go back to “normal” around here.

Feeling a bit out of sorts tonight. Still haven’t heard from a surgeon so that is still pending. Waiting on that appointment to get set before I can proceed with some of the other pending items on my to do list. One of these days things will break open for me and I can proceed. Sitting in that in-between space is hard some days and this is one of the hard days.

Got a good lesson on nothing external being solid to ground into today. It is interesting to watch my own as well as other’s reactions when we are searching for solid ground and can’t find it. Wonder why that isn’t taught to us at some point in our lives. The sooner we figure out nothing is solid ground the faster we can turn inward and do our own work and find solid ground within.

Grateful for the hard conversations today, grateful for a day off from cooking, and grateful I can go to bed early tonight.

Unfortunately I had another night of little to no sleep. I am dog ass tired tonight. I am going to go to bed early tonight and trust that sleep will find me.

We got 3 1/2 inches of rain today with more on its way. Sure wish we could space out the rain a bit better. We will be begging for it come the first part of August.

Kathy went over to where the girls are staying and spent the morning with the girls. I fixed lunch and they all came over to have lunch. After lunch, four of our dear friends came over for happy hour. We all enjoyed the conversation and it gave Kathy’s girls a chance to meet our friends.

Since I fixed a big lunch I didn’t fix dinner tonight. I had fixed nachos for Happy Hour so I called that dinner.

Tomorrow the girls are driving to KC to pick up their brother at the airport. Kathy and I are going to stay home and rest. Kathy has an appointment in the afternoon we are all going to. I told the group I wasn’t cooking tomorrow so they can find somewhere to have lunch and dinner.

I will drive separately to the appointment as I have some errands to run afterwards. Other than that, I have nothing on the calendar for tomorrow.

Thursday is family day. Nicole is coming down for part of the day. I am hoping Michelle, Chad and Keith are coming out for dinner. I will try to remember to text them tomorrow and remind them. I am fixing a pot roast so it will be an easy meal and will stretch if it needs to.

The kids are heading out Friday morning to drive home. They have had a bit of a whirlwind trip but it has been fun having them here.

Saturday I have an event to go to at noon and then nothing on my calendar for all of next week. Thinking I will need some down time after this week.

I sent a note to my GYN and asked to be referred to the doctor in KC. I still haven’t heard from the doctor in Wichita and it has been two weeks. I’ll see how long it takes for the doctor in KC to respond. What is the deal with this?

I’m so tired I can barely hold a thought tonight. Sure trusting I will find some good sleep tonight. If this continues for much longer I may have to see what other alternatives I have for the steroid cream. I am getting seriously sleep deprived.

Grateful to have this time with Kathy’s girls, grateful for my friends that came over in the pouring rain today, and grateful for a slower pace day tomorrow.

Another night of little sleep. Having the hardest time falling asleep these days. It was after 5:00 this morning when I finally fell asleep. I never did feel like I woke up all the way today.

I fixed a taco salad and home-made cheesecake for dinner tonight. Kathy’s girls didn’t get here until almost 8:00. It was an easy dinner to fix and serve. The girls left around 9:15 to walk up to their Airbnb for the night. They had driven all night and were ready to take a shower and go to bed.

We don’t have any special plans for tomorrow. They are fixing breakfast for themselves in their house. I think I am fixing green chicken for lunch. Kathy is hosting Happy Hour tomorrow afternoon at 3:00. I am going to fix some loaded nachos for that and call that our dinner. The green chicken is a crock pot meal so that will be easy. I have a cantaloupe to cut up and serve with the chicken and potatoes and that will be lunch. We have left over cheesecake so don’t need another dessert made.

Not sure what else is on the agenda for tomorrow. It may be a hang around the house type of day. I’m sure the girls need a day to recover from spending almost 24 hours in their car.

It was fun to see the girls walk in tonight. I’m grateful they came to visit their mom and see where she lives. I wish I had a spare bedroom for them to stay here but it is what it is. Maybe them having their own space is better for all.

I didn’t hear from the surgeon again today. I kinda forgot about it until it was too late to call. I’ll try to remember to do that tomorrow. It has been almost two weeks now. Good thing it isn’t too urgent! Trusting I won’t develop bigger issues before I can get an appointment.

Trusting I will get some good sleep tonight. I tried to take a chair nap this afternoon and was able to sleep for a short bit but never did feel rested. It is time that I crash and burn and sleep long and hard. Still wondering if the steroid cream I am using is causing this sleep problem.

Grateful the girls had a safe trip, grateful dinner was edible and grateful for the long sleep I will get tonight.

Today is Father’s Day. I fondly remember my dad who was patient, kind, hard working, fun to be with and rarely gave into anger. I’m not sure he ever grew up as he kept his inner child alive and playing.

I also remember Craig who was the father to my children. Craig loved being a dad and was so proud of his kids. He was a push over with the kids and could be talked into most anything.

I had trouble finding sleep last night. Don’t think I fell asleep until around 6:00 this morning. I had a phone call that woke me up around 9:30.

Got up after the phone call and went to Emporia. I stopped for lunch and a car wash and then went to Walmart to get groceries for the meals I am fixing this week.

Took a bit to get them all unloaded when I got home. It will be fun actually fixing meals this week. Two of Kathy’s kids are arriving tomorrow late afternoon or early evening and the other one is flying in Wednesday. They are all leaving Friday morning so it will be a short visit.

Tomorrow I need to do some housecleaning and make a few things to get ready for the week. No big plans for while they are here other than family day on Thursday.

Thursday I have to have Sophia in Marion at the Vet by 8:15 so she can get her summer haircut. I decided not to get Roxy’s done as her coat is not as thick and heavy as Sophia’s is.

I have an event to go to Saturday at noon. Thankfully the following week has a lot of empty space in it so I will have lots of recovery time.

Feeling restless again tonight. Maybe it is the anticipation of the upcoming busy week? Feels like a lot of energy that I have built up and I don’t know where or how to direct it. I am just on the edge of falling into the muck pond and it wouldn’t take much to push me over the ledge. Trusting a good night’s sleep will help settle me down.

Grateful the groceries are in the house, grateful for daddy and the love he gave to me, and grateful for Craig and the love he poured into my kids.

Oh my, what a day! We got going and left for KC at 10:30 this morning. We stopped and picked up Michelle and got on our way. We drove through some hard rain for part of the drive. We got to the game at 12:30.

There was a line forming outside the gates as they hadn’t opened the gates yet. Luckily there were some port a potties near by.

We waited in line until the gates opened at 1:15. Since we were near the front of the line we each got a Witt Bobblehead thingy.

We found our seats behind the dugout. We were in the lowest section but in the top row of that section. I was very grateful when the sun went below the canopy over the stadium and we got some shade. It was mighty hot for a bit.

Geoff threw out the first pitch at 2:52. He did a great job and I got a good video of it. We got to see Geoff and Nicole a couple times before and during the game. They were seated not too far from us. The game finally started around 3:15. It was fun watching the grounds crew get the field ready for the game.

Unfortunately the Royals were shut out today. They didn’t score and got beat 4 – 0.

When they played the National Anthem, Kathy and I both kneeled. I wore my Foxglove Daisy Tulip shirt to the game so I quietly protested. No one said anything about us kneeling or my shirt.

I got kissed by the sun today. My right arm is pretty hot and pink tonight. The left one is in places. Luckily I remember to take a hat so my face was fairly protected.

There was an accident on 435 and Roe so I got off at State Line Rd and went up to 119th and took that across. It was better than stop and glide traffic for 10 miles or so. It did make the trip home feel like it took longer than it should have.

I was low on gas but it is hard to find a gas station on 119th. I put 14.3 gallons of gas in the car when I finally found a station and filled it up. I didn’t know my car held that much.

We stopped at Culver’s in Gardner for dinner on the way home. None of us wanted much to eat and needed something light. It was nice to walk into a cool home when we got home.

I am delighted with the numbers of protesters that happened around the country today. The last count I saw put them at over 11 million with more numbers still coming in. Maybe that will be enough to get some good press coverage. I was excited to hear there has been little violence during the protests.

I was saddened to hear about the murders and shootings in Minnesota overnight. It feels like that may be a tipping point of some sort.

I saw some pictures of the parade in DC and saw pictures of empty stands. I will be curious to hear how many attended it.

I hadn’t been to a Major League Baseball game in a long time. I got a bottle of Smart Water and paid almost $10 for it. I wonder how much money exchanged hands during the game at those prices. The stands were probably 85% full today. The crowd was well behaved and into the game. Not sure I will go back for a bit but it was fun people watching. Way too hot for my liking though. I don’t do well in the heat. I had been looking forward to eating some ball park food but I wasn’t hungry due to the heat.

I’m grateful for all that went to the protests today. I wish I could have gone and added one more body to the counts. I did what I could at the game. It makes me feel hope after hearing the numbers from today. The energy is shifting and it will be interesting to see where this all heads.

Grateful to get to see Geoff throw the first pitch today, grateful for a cool house to come home to, and grateful Kathy and Michelle were able to join me today.

It has been a very quiet day at home. I haven’t done much and haven’t even gotten dressed.

Tomorrow Kathy, Michelle and I are going to the Royals game to watch Geoff throw out the first pitch. We are leaving around 10:30 and picking Michelle up at 11:00. Not sure what time the first pitch is but we were told to be there plenty early as sometimes it can be up to an hour before the game starts.

The forecast for tomorrow is hot and dry. It will be a good game for a ball game. Part of me wants to be at the rally in Topeka though. I am anticipating a very large crowd at this rally. Trusting it will remain peaceful.

Sunday I have to go to Emporia to get groceries for the week. I have three meals I am planning to fix plus having things they can fix for breakfast and lunch plus snacks. It will be fun to have extras around next week.

I sent a note to my GYN doctor to let her know I still haven’t heard from her surgeon. They gave me his name and said they tried to call to follow up but his office was closed today. Trusting I will hear something the first of the week. I am guessing appointments are a couple weeks out so may not have a surgery date for a month or so. Guess I will do what ever until then and deal with it when it gets closer.

Feeling very isolated today. I don’t have much to do at home right now yet leaving the house doesn’t feel inviting. After next week I need to get serious about finding a project to do. I feel better about myself when I have more of a purpose to do daily.

Having trouble wrapping my head around what is happening in the world right now. I had to tune it out as it was pulling me down a rabbit hole that felt like it had no bottom to catch me. Adding fear to the chaos energy of the world is not a good thing for me to do. I am able to maintain above neutral only if I don’t read the news.

Wonder who our hero’s will be as this continues to play out? Wonder how the history books will record this period of time 50 years from now? I know deep in my being that love will prevail and win. What will turn the tide? Has it already been turned? How do we bridge the gap between sides? What is my role in all of this?

Guess the world is sitting in that in-between times too. No wonder we are all so jumpy and anxious. The energy is strong and pulling us off center if we allow it to. We are all looking for solid ground and it is not to be found.

Building community and support systems is one thing we all can do. We all need reminded we are not alone during these times. Finding joy is another thing we can do. Joy helps lifts us out of the chaos and fear.

Grateful for stay-at-home days, grateful tomorrow is the ballgame, and grateful for a busy week coming up.

Kathy got up this morning and I was still up. I was binge watching a show and didn’t realize the night had come and gone. I still wasn’t tired. I finally went to bed around 6:30 and managed to sleep for a couple of hours.

I am still in my pajamas so it was a stay at home day. I did go out to take the trash to the curb but otherwise I have stayed inside all day. I finished binge watching the show I watched last night this afternoon. The last show of the season is on now.

I made a peach cobbler today using the peaches this afternoon from the peaches I got yesterday. The peaches are really ripe so I need to use them up sooner rather than later. I may have to figure out how to freeze them. The strawberries are very ripe too.

Didn’t hear from the surgeon today. Sure trust that the office will call tomorrow. If I don’t hear from them tomorrow I will call and get the name of the doctor Monday and call them myself. The doctor I saw ordered a urinalysis culture run and I haven’t heard the results of that either.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow either. Don’t have much on my to do list. Still waiting on someone or something’s to do something before I can advance the things on my to do list.

The rain has been taken out of the forecast for the ballgame Saturday again. It seems to be put it and then taken out of several times. Guess I will find out the day of the game if it is going to rain. It is supposed to get hot that day.

Feeling a bit isolated again. I do need to find a way to regularly engage with the bigger world yet protect my quiet, empty space. It is such a balance and I sometimes struggle to find the right balance.

Grateful for a quiet pajama day at home, grateful for peach cobbler, and grateful for what sleep I did get today.

Happy anniversary to my parents. They were married in 1948. I think of them daily and feel their presence in my life often.

I went to Council Grove this afternoon to get some peaches and strawberries. I also picked up a cantaloupe. The strawberries are very ripe and juicy. I haven’t tried the peaches or cut into the cantaloupe yet. It was a pretty drive over as everything is 50 shades of Green.

Found out that Max’s TIAA account had a named beneficiary. That is great. I will give the beneficiary some time to get the funds and then I will file for probate. He only has one bank account that didn’t have a beneficiary named. The probate process will also allow me to forward his mail in case there is something important I need to deal with. Feels good that I can move forward soon with one of the issues on my pending list. I have two years to file so there is no urgency to getting it filed. After Kathy’s kids leave next week I will get the paperwork finalized and get it filed.

Still haven’t heard from the surgeon. Waiting on that appointment before I will feel comfortable setting the date for Max’s Celebration of Life dinner. I am not to lift much right now and know that it will be hard to pull off a dinner without being able to lift. Again, there is no urgency to having the dinner so that can wait too.

No plans for the next two days. Found out we need to leave a bit earlier than I had planned for the ballgame Saturday. Geoff has to be down at home plate an hour before the game and there is the possibility he will throw the first pitch way earlier than I had thought. I would hate to miss it as that is the reason we are going.

Sunday I will need to go to Emporia and buy groceries. My list is almost finished and I still have a few days to make sure it is complete. Two of the kids will be here Monday late afternoon or early evening so will have all day Monday to do some food prep.

I need to set my alarm so I can watch the full moon rise tonight. It is to be low to the ground and huge. It has been a bit since I saw the moon rise.

Things do have a way of working out without pushing them. I keep reminding myself of that. It is easier when I can settle into the natural rhythm of life and out of my habit of pushing. Maybe I am finally learning that life lesson.

Grateful for all the fresh produce I picked up today, grateful for the news about the TIAA account beneficiary, and grateful I can sometimes allow things to unfold in their time and way.

I had a tough night. I didn’t feel very good and had bad reflux. Not sure what I ate to bring that on. I have reflux from time to time but it had settled down lately so was surprised when it flared up again last night. Yuck!

I went to Emporia late morning to take care of the CD that was renewing. They had a special 11 month CD at a 4.25% interest rate so that is what I choose. I got a cashier’s check for the interest on the last one.

Went through the car wash and then came home. Still trying to get all the bugs off the car from the long road trip last month. I may have to take a scrub brush to the front fender.

I haven’t done much since I got home. I may go take a walk when it cools down a bit more. I went out last night around 8:30 and it was a good time to take a walk.

I read that the Council Grove fruit and flower stand has fresh peaches and strawberries. I may have to drive up there tomorrow and get some. I love eating at Hays House. I’ll have to see if someone wants to ride along.

Still haven’t heard from the surgeon. A nurse responded to my message to the doctor and told me they faxed the referral today. She didn’t tell me the name of the doctor so will have to wait till they contact me. Trusting they will get hold of me soon.

I called an exterminator to come spray for ants. However they wanted to charge $225 and I decided against having them come. I had some powder I had gotten a while back and had never tried. I dug it out and went outside and put it around the foundation. Maybe it will work. If not, it is going to dry out soon and the ants tend to go away then anyways.

I don’t have anything else on my calendar until the ballgame on Saturday unless I go to Council Grove one day this week. I need to find a project to work on. None of the projects I have pending are in the place that need my attention yet. Still waiting on someone or something else before I can move them forward. I do need to finalize the menus for next week and my grocery list.

Just saw a post on Facebook that said commodities distributions are on pause due to the federal budget cuts. That is too bad and will hurt lots of low income people. Maybe as these cuts start to get personal and affect people we love and care about, more people will become vocal about them and demand they be restored. We are all going to have to step up and fill in the cracks that will be rapidly developing. Way too many people are going to be hungry and hurting.

Still sitting in that in-between stage. Today it felt manageable and I have been able to let go and allow the things pending to be on hold without anxiety. Things do eventually work out and they do go smoother if I can allow them to unfold in their own way and time.

Grateful the CD got taken care of today, grateful I can step into the in-between stage today without anxiety, and grateful for this empty space time.

I didn’t fall asleep until 6:00 this morning. I slept till 10:00 so got four hours of sleep. Surprisingly I haven’t felt too tired today,

I went to Emporia and met Tagen for lunch. It is always a treat to spend time with him. He still is a bit up in the air about his plans. We shall see what he decides to do.

I went through the car wash and then came home. Couldn’t think of any errands I needed to take care of while I was in town.

Went to the bank in Cottonwood Falls and cashed in my loose change bowl. Had over $60 in change in it. I also converted some $100 bills into $20.

I remembered to go to city hall and get new dog tags for Sophia and Roxy. Now I need to remember to put them on their collars.

I sent a note to the doctor I saw last week about my prolapse. She was to refer me to a surgeon in Wichita and I haven’t heard anything yet. So far they haven’t responded to my note. Wonder why these things seem to be so hard?

I haven’t done much else today. I may go out and take a long walk this evening. It has been a beautiful day and I need to get out and enjoy it a bit.

No plans for tomorrow. The CD that I need to take care of renews tomorrow but I have ten calendar days to take care of it. I’ll see if I feel like going back to Emporia tomorrow. I do have to go to town later this week to get groceries for the meals I will be fixing next week when Kathy’s kids are here. They aren’t coming until a week from today so have plenty of time to go get them. I may even wait until Sunday so everything will be fresh.

I keep reading the news about the situation in LA. Man, it sure depends on where you get your news as to what you read and hear. Both sides seem to be telling different stories. Guessing the truth is somewhere out there but main stream media doesn’t seem to be able to sort it all out. Hearing reports about undocumented people being picked up here in Kansas. I wonder if they are being given their due process. So many are in the process of getting documented but that process is both expensive and cumbersome. Our immigration laws are so broken. I do wonder what I would do if I was in their shoes and had to flee my home country due to violence and corruption. Beginning to think I may have to flee my home country due to violence and corruption. Would I worry if I didn’t have the proper documentation if I decide to flee? The harm humans can do to other humans is overwhelming sad. Not sure why we are so afraid of each other.

My heart aches tonight for all people. Fear and chaos seem to be the rule of the day. I really wonder what the end game to all this will be. I know love will prevail but how far down the rabbit hole does society have to go before we remember love is the answer. I keep reminding myself my job is to stay above neutral and radiate all the love I have outward. I don’t have to be concerned where and how it goes I just know with every fiber of my being that it is important I do so. It doesn’t feel like it is enough but what else can a person do?

I wish the ballgame I am going to was on a different date. I really am feeling the need to go protest. However, family comes first. I will find a protest in another week or so to go to. Maybe I need to organize another one here in Cottonwood Falls.

Grateful for the mild temperature today, grateful for what sleep I did get, and grateful to know that love will win.

I am still in my pajamas if that tells you how my day went. It was a delightful stay-at-home type of day. I did absolutely nothing all day.

I got more sleep last night than I have been getting although I would sleep in spurts. Felt a bit more rested this morning but I wouldn’t say I got a good night’s sleep last night. At least I know I can sleep which I hadn’t the two nights before this.

It got really windy this afternoon but now it is as still as can be. The thunderstorm that was brewing went around us. It feels too quiet outside now. The temperature dropped about 10 degrees pretty quickly.

I need to walk down to city hall tomorrow and renew the dog tags. That has been on my list for a bit and I need to take care of it.

I have to go to Emporia Tuesday to deal with a CD that matures. Hoping I can track down Tagen and find out what is going on with him. I need to find out when he is moving out and what he has decided to do with the truck. He has till the end of the month to decide if he is keeping it or finding something else. Time goes by so quickly he needs to make a decision so things can get in place one way or another.

Still sitting in that in-between space. Today I was able to relax in to it and it didn’t feel so heavy. Lots of things in the works but none of them are waiting on me to make the next move. Things happen when the timing is best. Hard sometimes to let go and allow.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful the rain went by us, and grateful for the sleep I got last night.

I don’t think I got more than two hours of sleep last night. One of those nights. I was still going when the power went off at 11:15. I called it in. Eventually the Evergy site said it would be back on at 1:15. It came back on around 1:30 so their estimate was close.

We got more rain overnight. I have quite the pond in my front yard again. There is no place for the water to go. The ground can’t absorb any more water. Had some sharp lightning and loud thunder overnight.

I broke down and turned the A/C on last night. It was so humid that I thought it would help me sleep better with the A/C on. The house is much more comfortable today with the A/C on. We have had to keep the dogs inside all day as their pen is a mud pit. Hoping it will dry out enough they can spend the day outside tomorrow. They seem to enjoy the A/C too.

I’m surprised I didn’t take a nap today. I didn’t even get tired. I am starting to get suspicious that the steroid cream I am using is being absorbed in my body. Steroids prevent me from sleeping. I am to use this cream for at least three months. Not sure that is going to be possible if this keeps up. Maybe a body adjusts? I’ll give it a few more days and see what happens. Not sure I can go three months without much sleep. Not sure what the option will be if I can’t use the steroid cream.

This has been a quiet day at home. I did go out for lunch mid afternoon. Came home and took a walk down to the river. Felt good to get out and walk. It wasn’t so hot out today and it was a nice evening to walk.

No plans for tomorrow except another quiet day at home. The anger that surfaced yesterday seems to have quieted down or maybe nothing triggered it and it is still there. Sometimes I miss my body’s cues and misread them.

Not very motivated to find a new project to work on. I have gotten very comfortable doing nothing most days. Nothing feels very important or urgent to do so I ignore what needs to be done. It patiently waits for me to get to it. I do feel better about myself though when I get something accomplished during the day. I fear I am turning into a slug.

Grateful for the sunshine today, grateful for a walk to the bridge tonight, and grateful for the sleep I will get tonight.

I went to Emporia late morning. I stopped at Commercial Street Diner for breakfast. It was delicious as always with great service. I was digging in my purse for money to pay and a $100 bill fell out. I decided to leave it as a tip. I do this occasionally as it gives me great joy. I went up to the register and paid and left.

As I was walking down the sidewalk to my car, my waitress came running down the sidewalk. She wanted to make sure I hadn’t left it in error. Now that is what I love about mid America. How honest and thoughtful was that? That reinforced I chose the right waitress to leave a big tip to.

After having worked in the service industry for years, I understand well how hard waitressing is. This gal does one of the best jobs of it I have ever seen. She is very personable, efficient and kind.

I dropped a sack of books I had read off at the library to return them to the Friends of the Library. Then I went to the water department to get Tagen’s water put back in my name. I went to Walmart and picked up a few things I needed and then came home.

This afternoon I printed my blog off. I hadn’t printed it since May of 2024. I lost three years of my blog one time when the system was updated and somehow my data got lost. I have since started printing a copy and keeping them in big binders. It took a bit to get them all printed and three-hole punched and put in binders. Good to have that caught up and off my pending to-do list.

It rained on me while I was in Emporia. We got a bit more rain overnight here. We have a chance of more rain tomorrow afternoon. It will soon dry up and get hot and we won’t see rain again for weeks/months. Sure wish it could get distributed more evenly over the summer. After the rain on Saturday we are to have several dry days with the possibility of more rain coming in for next weekend. I trust it won’t rain the Royals game out on the 14th.

Found out when my nieces and nephew are coming in another week. I need to get hold of my kids and brothers and schedule a family day while they are here. It will be fun to have them all here and get everyone together. I have started making menus and grocery lists so we can get them fed while they are here. They are only going to be here for three full days and four nights.

I had a surprise phone call today. My Marine, as I called him, (Brian) was driving through Kansas today and called me. I hadn’t spoken to him in a long time. It was great to hear from him. He stayed with me for almost a year in 2019. He has completed his lineman apprenticeship and is now a supervisor. He is still traveling all over the US doing contract jobs. What I loved the most about doing the AirBnb is that many of my guests became dear friends. Another guest that stayed a couple times with me texted me today looking for a bed for the Symphony weekend. I had to let her know I had sold the big house and no longer have extra bedrooms.

The rancher I buy a beef from every year let me know she is taking one to the butcher on July 18. I will have an extra quarter if anyone is interested in it. I haven’t checked beef prices so not sure how much it will be. The rancher charges me livestock sale barn hoof prices and then there is a charge for the processing.

No plans for the weekend. One day next week I have to go to Emporia and deal with a CD that is up for renewal. I also need to go to City Hall in Cottonwood and renew the dog tags. Other than that, I have a very quiet week ahead.

Didn’t hear this week from the surgeon I am being referred to. Not sure if I should go ahead and get Max’s Celebration of Life dinner on the calendar or wait it out a bit longer. I think I will wait until after the visit from Kathy’s kids and then decide what to do. I do better when I only have one big thing ahead of me. That will give the surgeon’s office time to get hold of me. Good thing it isn’t urgent!

Sitting in a weird place tonight. Feeling a bit disconnected from life. I have way too much empty space on my calendar and I do better when I have more structure. Yet I hesitate to put things on my calendar until I know about surgery. This in-between space is hard for me. Reminding myself to relax into it and allow. Easier said than done!

Grateful for those that do the work of being a waitress, grateful I crossed some things off my to-do list today, and grateful for friends that reach out and surprise me with a phone call.

This has been a rest and recovery day for me. I am still in my pajamas as I forgot to get dressed this morning. It was too late in the day to get dressed when I realized I was still in my pajamas.

I went to bed around 10:00 last night and slept until 4:00 this morning. Around 6:00 I gave up trying to get more sleep and got up. Did a load of laundry and messed around a bit. Fell asleep in my chair around 11:00 and slept until 2:00.

I did manage to do the dishes today and fold and put away the load of laundry I did. That is absolutely all I have done today.

It sprinkled a bit this morning but this afternoon the sun is shining and it is warming up a bit. We are to get more rain overnight. It is starting to cloud over now as the latest storm gets ready to move in.

I haven’t heard if the highway between Cottonwood Falls and Strong City is open or not. The water has crested and the river is falling but it is still way out of its banks. I hadn’t planned on going anywhere today so haven’t checked lately to see what the latest report from the Sheriff is.

I had gone on-line to change Tagen’s electric bill to my name as he is moving out later this month. I got an email from Evergy today saying I had to call them as they were not able to complete my request. I detest the automated answering systems. I finally got to talk to a competent person but they had to call me back as the wait time was 30 minutes. She took care of the transfer. I had some anger and frustration come out as I was punching my way through the automated system. That is a sign to me that I need a couple more quiet days at home in time-out to allow my system to chill out.

I was able to get his gas bill transferred to my name without issue as far as I know. I thought I had taken care of the electric bill until I got the email today. I know the water bill has to be done in person at the city office. Next time I go to Emporia I will stop and take care of that one.

I still don’t know for sure when Tagen is moving out. He is waiting for his apartment to become available. Should be before the end of the month. After I have a definite date I need to decide on a realtor and get the house listed. It will be good to have it gone.

Starting to do some work on making a menu for the week that Kathy’s kids will be here. Still not sure when they are arriving and leaving and what their plans are. I don’t want to buy lots of extra food to fix and then find out they had other plans. Still have some time to complete my grocery list and menus but it helps me if I start early. It is a pain to have to run to Emporia last minute because I forgot something.

I haven’t heard from the surgeon yet and not sure when I might. The doctor’s report from my visit yesterday hasn’t posted on-line yet. That should have the details of who is going to call me. Maybe they are waiting to finish the report until the referral gets completed or when they hear back from the urine culture.

No plans for the rest of the week. It may be a bit before I get in my car and go again. It does my soul good to stay home for several days in a row. I have some little tasks that need taken care of when I get to them but nothing urgent that needs done.

Not feeling like I am at neutral or above today. The anger that came up during the automated phone call surprised me. I must have some trapped emotion that needs to be felt and heard so I can release it. The best way for me to allow that to happen is to have lots of quiet, down time. Grateful I can make that happen over the next couple of days. Sometimes I never know what the emotion that got trapped is and sometimes I realize after the fact.

Grateful for a chair nap today, grateful for a day of rest, and grateful for the Notes App on my iPad that helps keep me organized.

This day has felt like it has been three days long. I didn’t sleep much last night. I didn’t think I was worrying but could not find sleep. Thinking it will be an early bedtime for me tonight.

I went to the GYN. I liked her and her staff. They were kind and good listeners and easy to talk to. I do have a prolapse and she recommended surgery. However, she has to refer me to a “lady plumber” in Wichita as she called it. Not sure what the doctor’s name is I am being referred to or when I might hear from them but will give it a week or so.

I also have a skin infection of some sort. This was an incidental find today. She prescribed a steroid cream that I have to use for three months. One tube cost $150 and the pharmacist said I will need at least one more and maybe two more tubes before the three months are up.

The GYN had me take a urine test as some of my symptoms sounded like a UTI to the Doctor. The results were inconclusive so they are going to culture them and see if anything grows. I told the nurse when she called me with the results that I can’t do oral antibiotics due to my history with C-Diff. She said she would pass that along to the doctor. We shall see what happens if I need antibiotics.

I went to Walmart after my appointment to pick up the prescription. The pharmacist had some questions about how often I was to apply it. What the Doctor told me didn’t match with what was called in. He called the Doctor but couldn’t get hold of her so I had to go back. When I went back after lunch he still hadn’t heard from the Doctor so he called her again. He didn’t change the dosage on the box of cream he gave me but told me to follow the schedule the doctor gave me. I was on a time crunch as I needed to get to court and he worked hard to get me the medication so I didn’t have to come back a third time.

I met Jason for lunch at Radius and then we went to a court thing. To our surprise the judge was able to render a decision today. The hearing went two hours longer than scheduled but it is all over. Not sure Jason got what he was hoping for but the good news is he now knows what he is getting and everything is settled.

I talked to our attorney about Max’s situation. He echoed what the estate attorney had said in that it may not be worth filing for probate. I am going to table that decision for a bit and revisit it again later. I am still waiting to find out when I might have surgery before I schedule the Celebration of Life for Max. Trusting the doctor’s office I am being referred to will get back to me sooner rather than later and that there isn’t a month or more wait to be seen. If there is, I can go ahead and get it scheduled before surgery.

I had to drive to Cassoday on the Turnpike and then up through Matfield Green to Cottonwood Falls to get home. It is a trip of 60 miles instead of 20. It seemed to take a long time to get home. The regular way is flooded over. There are many places along the Turnpike that it looks like a new lake was put in. Water, water, everywhere you look there is water. I texted a friend about the road situation off and on all day. I ran into her husband while I was at Walmart getting my prescription. I appreciated their help in finding me a safe way to get home today.

I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. The flood waters aren’t to recede until sometime tomorrow but we are forecast to get even more rain over the next five to six days. Wondering if the mail can get to us and am betting that the Dollar General will run out of things before a truck can restock them. Lots of people around me have flood damage and a lot of clean up will need to happen over the next month or so. Grateful I am only inconvenienced by a long drive to get to Emporia.

Not sure I am tracking or thinking straight tonight. I am so tired. It was a jam packed day for me and I will need a couple of quiet days at home to recover. Sitting in a court room that is in conflict is tough energy for me to sit in. I had to get up and take a couple breaks during the hearing. It was a huge relief to hear her ruling today and know that the conflict is over. The scars remain though and they will take longer to heal.

Grateful I was able to make it home tonight even though I had to take the long way home, grateful Jason’s situation got answers today even if they weren’t the ones we wanted to hear, and grateful to be able to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Rain rain go away, come again another day. We got 5 – 6 inches of rain overnight and today. The ground was already saturated from the rain last week. Ground water everywhere.

I have a doctor’s appointment in Emporia in the morning at 10:30. I decided I better get to Emporia tonight so I know I can make it in. The road from Cottonwood Falls to Strong City may flood by morning and the road from Matfield Green to Cassoday which is the long ways around is already flooded shut.

I am staying at a hotel in Emporia tonight. I may or may not be able to get home tomorrow night. We shall see what happens. I have a thing in the afternoon to go to with Jason so won’t attempt it until late afternoon. I can always stay a second night in Emporia if need be.

When I got ready to pack it was easy as I did laundry today and hadn’t folded and put away my clothes yet. I folded my clothes from the laundry and put them in a bag to bring to town. Kathy got to stay home with the critters and take care of them.

I had dinner with Jason since I was in town. I invited Michelle, Tagen and Ellexia but none of them got back to me. It was nice to have good conversation with Jason tonight. He has a full plate of life right now and I think it was good for him to be able to vent a bit. Life is certainly easier when we share it with those we love.

I hope to find out tomorrow if I have a prolapse and what the treatment plan for it will be. I could be wrong and it could be something else although I doubt it. I have several things I need to schedule but needed to wait to see if I have to have surgery to fix the prolapse and if so when it might be. They may have to try some other solutions before insurance will approve a surgery.

My left knee is a bit swollen below the knee joint and towards the inside of the leg. Kathy has a red light therapy thingy that I used on it this afternoon. I am also taking lots of ibuprofen. Hoping it is better tomorrow. If not, I may go to Urgent care once I am done at my doctor’s appointment. Not sure what I did to it to make it sore and not sure why it is swollen. It usually only hurts when I walk on it, although last night it hurt during the night. Man, getting old is hard sometimes. My body is acting up lately.

Once I get back home I don’t have any other appointments on my calendar until June 14. Kathy, Michelle and I are going to KC on the 14th to go to the Royals game and watch my son-in-love throw out the first pitch. It will be delightful to have a full week plus of empty space days. I bet some of them fill up sooner rather than later but we shall see what happens.

Still sitting in that in-between space but it doesn’t feel so heavy tonight. Maybe I am getting used to it? Still find myself searching for solid ground under me and have to remind myself it doesn’t exist. I learned on the Camino to take one step at a time and when I could stay out of anticipation I had a better day. Right here, right now, all is well.

Grateful for hotels in Emporia, grateful for dinner with Jason tonight, and grateful the rain is stopping and the sun is to shine tomorrow.

For some reason this has not felt like a Monday to me. I have checked several times to see what day of the week it is. My brain feels like it never woke up this morning.

Kathy and I left for KC at 8:00 this morning and we were back home a little before noon. The visit at the attorney’s office only took 15 minutes. I had to stop and fill my car up on the way out of town. Quickest trip I have ever made to KC. It was good to get that little project for Kathy completed.

I took a nap when I got home. I still don’t feel very rested or like my brain is awake. One of those days.

I went out last night to the Tallgrass Prairie Preserve to see if I could see the Northern Lights. I didn’t see them but I didn’t stay too long as I had to get up early this morning. There were lots and lots of bugs flying around and chirping in the bushes. The night sky was worth driving out for by itself. There was some weird energy flying around out there. I guess the lights showed themself for short bursts of time during the middle of the night. They had been stronger and lasted longer the night before.

Max’s cremains arrived today. It cost almost $125 to have them shipped here. Yikes! After I find out what is happening at my doctor’s appointment Wednesday I will know when I can schedule a Celebration of Life dinner.

I’m grateful this heat wave is breaking tonight. I am so close to turning on the A/C but I know I only have a few more hours to go before Mother Nature will offer me some relief from the heat. Not sure we need more rain right now but guess no one asked me.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow. Maybe I can get some extra sleep and wake up feeling awake. I don’t like slow motion brain days.

Wednesday I have my doctor’s appointment. It will be good to know what the doctor says and to have a plan to fix my prolapse, it that is what I have. I feel like I have put my life on hold a bit until I can figure out what is going to happen next.

Feeling ungrounded and unsettled tonight. Lots of things still pending and I can’t move any of them along. This in-between stage sucks sometimes. Doing my best to remind myself this is life and to allow it to be what it is. Sometimes that is easier said than done.

Grateful for a safe trip to and from KC, grateful Kathy got her paperwork done, and grateful that this too shall pass.

This has been an absolutely do nothing day. I got up this morning and still felt tired. After about an hour I went back to bed. I laid in bed for a couple of hours doing nothing. I don’t think I slept, I just self-isolated. It felt like what my body and soul needed today.

I am still in my pajamas as I didn’t bother to get dressed today. My head has been quiet and my body needed quiet today too.

The Northern lights made an appearance last night and are to be visible again tonight. I went outside once during the night to see if I could see them but with all the city lights I could not. I may go out to the country tonight to see if I can see them.

The contractor that is going to fix Michelle’s foundation called and he is going to do her job as soon as it is dry enough to do so. He had taken some time off as his wife had died but is ready to come back to work. I will be grateful when that job is done. Jason told me last week his foundation may need some work done to it. Yikes! I cross one thing off my list and add another. I will be very grateful when I am out of the rental house business.

Tomorrow we have to leave at 8:00 to go to KC. Kathy needs to sign papers at the attorney’s office at 10:00. I need to stop for gas again so will allow a few extra minutes for that. It will be good to have these papers signed, sealed and delivered.

Wednesday I see a new to me doctor for what I think is a prolapse. I am anxious to hear what she has to say and if she agrees with my diagnosis. I would say there is a 50/50 chance I will need surgery but we shall see. Once I know for sure, then I can plan somethings that are on my pending list.

Looks like tomorrow will be the last sunny day for a week or so. More rain and clouds are headed our way. I almost turned the air on today but I think I can handle one more day before it cools down again. I don’t like heat but I don’t like lots of cloudy days either. Guess I am hard to please.

It felt good to slow way down today. Life hit me hard and fast in May and I needed to take a day to let all of me catch up to myself. I can get out ahead of myself sometimes and need to stop and allow what is. Tomorrow brings its own rewards and challenges and I need to remember to stay present to today’s rewards and challenges. One step at a time…. One day at a time…. And sometimes one hour at a time…. One minute at a time…..

Grateful for a very slow day, grateful for sunny skies, and grateful for Northern Lights in KS.

This has been mostly a quiet day at home. I did run into Emporia for a few groceries. I got what I needed and came right home. Walmart wasn’t too busy and I was able to get in and out quickly.

I took some time and made a master list of all the things I have pending. I was getting overwhelmed and needed one list of things that are going on. It helps me calm down a bit and remember that I can do this. Seems like I have about 10 projects going on and all of them are waiting for something or someone to do something before I can do something. It is easy to drop the ball and forget where I am if I don’t keep a list.

Kathy and I decided not to go to the parade. Kathy had mowed the yard today and was hot and tired. I had gone to Emporia and was done with people today. We could hear the noise from the parade from our house. I’m grateful I stayed home. Not in the mood for noise and crowds today.

It warmed up today. I noticed we have another round of storms coming in Tuesday. I also noticed that the northern lights are visible in this area again. If I can’t sleep tonight and it stays clear I might go out after sunset and see if I can find them tonight.

Tomorrow is another stay-at-home day. I have some cleaning that needs done and some decluttering that needs to happen. Trusting I will be in the mood to get some things done tomorrow.

Monday we are going to KC. We have a 10:00 appointment so will need to leave around 8:00. With the trip to MA and now these two trips to KC I will be needing to change the oil on my car again soon. Last time I went seven months before I drove 6,000 miles. This time I probably won’t make three months.

This has felt like a long day to me. I am tired of so many non-productive days in a row. Yet, I have little to no energy to do much. I know my body needs this time of rest but am struggling a bit to relax in to it. I know most of what I am feeling is that in-between thing. So many projects going on yet I can’t move any of them along. My inpatient habit is rearing its ugly head again. I see it, I hear it, and I am honoring it to be what it is. And this too shall pass.

Grateful for a beautiful day, grateful the grocery shopping got completed today, and grateful tomorrow is a stay-at-home day.

Happy birthday to my youngest Nicole. I am so grateful she chose me to be her mother. She has grown into a beautiful, independent, wise woman. I cherish my time with her.

I had a quiet day at home today. Kathy had invited three of our friends over for happy hour this afternoon. It had been a hot minute since I had seen them and it was so good to sit with them and enjoy a deep conversation. I am so blessed to have these ladies in my life.

It was a beautiful day today. The sun came out and stayed out all day. The birds chirped and chirped all day long. I’m impressed we are not having 90 plus degree days yet. Spring has lasted a long time this year.

Trash day was today. After they came and emptied my container I filled it back up again. I got rid of all of the rest of the stuff that needs to go away. It is nice to have my front porch back again free of clutter. I was able to leave enough room in the trash container for what ever trash we have this week. Grateful that part of the project is completed.

I need to go to Emporia tomorrow to get groceries. I had the cat with me Thursday when I went to town and couldn’t stop then. I will need some things before next week. Emporia is crazy busy with the bikers in town but hoping if I just go to Walmart tomorrow and not downtown I can get what I need and get out of there.

The Rodeo parade is tomorrow afternoon at 2:00. Kathy and I may walk downtown and find a spot in the shade and sit and watch the parade. I struggle to make definite decisions 24 hours in advance though. We shall see what tomorrow brings and decide last minute if we are going.

Other than a quick trip for groceries I don’t have any other plans this weekend. Monday we go to KC again and Wednesday I have a doctor’s appointment. The rest of next week is looking free and clear.

Have been having trouble with restless legs lately. It seems to happen in spurts. I will go several weeks/months without having it and then it comes back and I get them most every evening. Drives me a little batty when they flare up. I do have an over the counter medication I take that helps some. What helps the most is a hot bath with Epsom salts. I may take an early bath tonight if my legs don’t quiet down soon.

The in-between feeling is strong in me tonight. I am doing my best to allow it to be what it is and not resist it. Feels like a lot of things are pending and not much I can do about any of them right now. I keep reminding myself this is life and there is really not much that is solid beneath me. I will make a master list of the things that are pending so I don’t forget where things are with them. Sometimes that helps me settle into allowing.

Grateful for my dear friends and their love and support, grateful for the sunny day, and grateful the porch is clean again.

I had a quiet morning at home. Had trouble sleeping last night so haven’t had a lot of energy today.

I took Ellie to the Vet at 3:30. She is so fat she can’t groom herself and has a nasty infection on her private parts. They cleaned her up and gave me some steroid cream to put on her as well as an antibiotic. She also got three vaccines. It cost me $145 to get out of there. Yikes! She has a foul odor from the infection. If it isn’t lots better by the first of next week I am to bring her back in.

Met up with Tagen after I was finished at the vet. We went to Bruff’s for an early dinner. I hadn’t seen Tagen for what feels like a long time. It was nice to get caught up with him. We made some plans for June. He is hoping the apartment he is moving into will be available by June 15. He may trade the truck for a more affordable vehicle. Since he drives to Topeka most days he needs better fuel economy. We shall see how June shakes out for him.

We stopped by the bank after dinner to close an account we are no longer using. It took them forever as they were having computer issues.

Took him back home and picked the cat up. I had taken the cat inside Tagen’s house while we went to dinner. She was hiding under his bed and it took a bit to get her out. She was glad when we got home.

It was a challenge giving Ellie her antibiotic and steroid cream. Kathy held her down and I did the dirty deeds. Ellie was pissed at me before but is really pissed at me now. It may be a long two weeks of treatment.

Tomorrow is trash day. I had left room in the big trash container for our weekly trash. I still had a bit of room so I loaded it up some more. I should be able to get rid of the rest of it next week. I will try to remember to take a load of cardboard to recycling tomorrow and get the front porch cleaned off again. It will be good to have that all gone and taken care of.

Nothing else on my calendar until Kathy and I go to KC again Monday. I have a doctor’s appointment next Wednesday. It will be nice to have a quiet weekend at home. Emporia was a mess today with all the bike riders in town. It was hard to drive down the streets and avoid them.

It was sprinkling while I was driving home around 5:30 this evening. Now the sun is out and all blue skies. I have so missed the sun. It is to be sunny tomorrow and Saturday. My soul needs that!

I needed an old business record today for a little issue that has come up. I was very pleasantly surprised when I call the Historical Society in Topeka that they were able to retrieve the record and email it to me within five minutes of my request. I had anticipated it would take days to weeks to get it. The man that helped me was very kind and efficient. I don’t always see that in the public sector.

Trusting things slow down for me a bit next week. May went by so quickly with the trip to MA and all that has happened since we got home. June will be fairly busy with Tagen moving out and the sale of the rental house. Trusting that the house will sell quickly and be an easy transaction. Kathy’s kids are coming for five days in June so that will be a busy week. We are going to plan some family dinners while they are so everyone can see each other. I hope to have two rather quiet weeks before they come so I can prepare menus, etc.

I’m grateful I decided to put the probate process and the celebration of life dinner on pause. I have a habit of rushing into things and need to remind myself to slow down. Things get done when it is time for them to get done. Honoring the natural order of things helps things go more smoothly and takes lots less energy to accomplish.

Grateful for the time with Tagen today, grateful for a kind Vet and medication for Ellie, and grateful the sun is shining this evening.

Kathy and I headed for KC at 8:00 this morning. I had to stop at Flying J to get gas. We made it to KC 15 minutes early.

We met with my estate attorney. He is drawing up a will, a living will and a power of attorney for Kathy. We go back next Monday at 10:00 for her to sign the papers.

This attorney is pleasant and easy to work with. If anyone needs a good trust or estate attorney let me know and I will pass along his information. He is a bit pricey but I think most attorneys are these days.

We were only with the attorney for about 15 minutes. After we were done we went to Costco. Didn’t find much to buy this time. We stopped at Chipotle and had lunch and then came home. It was a quick trip up and back.

Both of us came home exhausted. When the attorney asked when we wanted to come back I told him not this week. I can’t handle two trips to KC in one week anymore.

I did some thinking about Max’s affairs. I worked on the probate papers last night and was thinking about them today. I have decided to wait to file until we get an answer about one of his accounts. Once that is known, I will then know if I need to wait a bit longer or if I can proceed now. I have two years to file so no real rush in filing.

I also decided to wait on setting a date for the Celebration of Life. We don’t have the cremains back yet and I don’t want to proceed until we have them. I also need to wait until I know if I need surgery or not. I should find that out next Wednesday.

Sometimes I get in a hurry and do things out of order. I need to slow down and allow things to unfold a bit before I push some things through. This is an order to things that makes things go smoothly. The trick is figuring out the order and allowing that to dictate the schedule. Sometimes you don’t know the order until you know.

Tomorrow I have to take Ellie to the Vet at 3:30. Hoping I can find Tagen while I am in town so I can talk to him. He had to work this afternoon so I couldn’t meet up with him on my way back through town early afternoon. I would like to stop and get a few groceries but with the cat I may not be able to. I’ll see how hot it is tomorrow and if I think it would be safe to stop. I may have to make two trips to town tomorrow.

I have Friday and the weekend free. Nothing going on that I know of now. We make another trip to KC next Monday.

Next week I will need to go to Emporia and get the utilities of Tagen’s house changed back to me. He will be moving out within the next couple of weeks. Once he is out and I do a good cleaning of the house, I will list it for sale. Wish I could use the broker that sold my last rental house but I will no longer do business with the firm she is associated with. The broker did an outstanding job but I no longer trust the firm she works with. Anyone know a great broker?

Feeling a bit empty this evening. I took the pressure off myself by delaying the probate process and celebration of life. Taking that off created a void that I am feeling. I will do some meditation and allow that void to be filled with light. It is easy for me to drop back in to old habits of doing instead of being. When I come back to being I feel the void in my body.

Grateful for a safe trip to and from KC today, grateful I can postpone the probate process and the celebration of life gathering, and grateful I can go to bed early tonight.

The dogs are on my shit list. For some reason they barked off and on all night long. I took them out at 3:00 for a short walk. They both peed but kept barking. I should have put them out in their pen but I was trying to avoid them becoming mud balls. They were still restless mid morning and I gave up and put them outside. They have lost the privilege of coming in the house tonight.

Needless to say, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I wasn’t having a good night of sleep anyways and the dogs took away what little I was managing to find.

A dear friend and her best friend came over today. We had a nice time. Kathy joined us for lunch at the Grand. My soul needed a deep conversation today and this friend allowed me to vent. It was a grand day!

I finally got Max’s truck insurance cancelled. It only took five phone calls all together. Man, it shouldn’t be that hard to take care of a simple task.

Max’s death certificates arrived in my mail today. I mailed one to one of his insurance providers as they had requested. I will need another one when I mail the probate papers next week. I can’t file that paperwork until it has been 30 days since the day of death.

I have worked on the probate papers today. Tomorrow Kathy and I are going to see my attorney so he can draw up some papers for Kathy. I am going to take the probate papers with me and ask him a couple questions about them. I’m not sure of a couple of the questions what the proper response is. I don’t want to withhold information from them but I don’t want to give them information they don’t need either.

I was going to pay my income tax estimate payment for June. I looked all over for the voucher I needed. Finally decided to call my accountant and found out that they signed me up for auto pay this year. The funds will automatically be withheld on the due date. No wonder I couldn’t find the vouchers. I’m always afraid I will forget to pay them or they won’t get them on time so I am grateful it will be automatically paid and I won’t have to worry about it this year.

I didn’t make it down to city hall to check on the availability of the community building. I am a bit shy about committing to a date until I have my doctor’s appointment next week. I may have to have surgery and will have to time things in my best interest if that is the case. I may wait until after the doctor’s appointment to find a date for the Celebration of Life dinner. There is no real rush so can do it anytime.

We are leaving at 8:00 in the morning for our 10:00 attorney appointment. I need to stop and fill the car with gas so will have to leave a bit early to allow time for that. Trusting the water won’t be over the highway so I can get out of town. The prediction is it won’t cover the road. If we get more rain tonight that may change things. I still have lots of standing water in my yard. There is no place for the water to soak into by now and it will run off quickly.

If we have the energy for it we will make a Costco stop when we are done with the attorney. There is a chance that he will have us come back in the early afternoon to finalize the papers instead of having to make a second trip to KC. If that happens, we will go to lunch and then go shopping at Costco to kill the time. We shall see what happens tomorrow.

I need to talk to Tagen about something. He may have to work tomorrow and if so I will have to make another trip to town tomorrow evening so we can talk. I will take him to dinner if that is the case. He is to let me know tomorrow if he will be home when we come back through Emporia tomorrow afternoon or if I have to go back to town later in the day to meet up with him.

I am taking Ellie to the Vet on Thursday. She is overdue for her annual check and shots. Lately she has had a foul oder about her and I need to make sure she isn’t becoming diabetic. While I am in town I have a sack of books to take to the Friends of the Library for their next book sale.

Thinking it will be an early bedtime tonight. I will have to get up by 7:00 tomorrow morning to be ready to leave at 8:00. I am not in the habit of getting up that early. Trusting tonight I will be able to sleep without interruptions as I will leave the dogs outside all night.

I am ready for the sun to come back out and play. We surely needed the rain but after a couple days without the sun I get cranky. I sure couldn’t live in Washington or Oregon where they can go weeks without the sun. I broke down and turned the furnace back on as the house was cold. Can’t remember the last time I had to turn the furnace on in late May. Even Kathy was cold before I turned it on and that like never happens.

Sitting with lots of unknowns tonight. Not sure how the probate process works for sure and how long that will take, not sure if I will need surgery and if I do when I might do that, not sure what is going to happen with Tagen’s house and truck, not sure when to schedule the Celebration of Life for Max, not sure about much of anything tonight. Pema Chodron wrote a book “Living Beautifully with Uncertainly and Change”. She reminds us that everything changes and yet what we are looking for in life is certainty and that is hard to find. Learning to get comfortable in the in-between times where there is no certainty is important. I will dig that book out and read it and allow it to remind myself there is nothing wrong with uncertainty even though it feels like there is. Uncertainly feels uncomfortable in my body and I need to allow it to feel uncomfortable without fighting or resisting it.

Grateful for friends that come visit, grateful for outdoor dog pens, grateful for attorney’s that help solve some of life’s little problems.

This has been a rainy day. Hearing reports of from 4 to 6 inches of rain over the weekend around here. Lots of standing water on our walks with the dogs. Looking forward to some sunshine later this week. The dogs want to go outside and play in their pen but I haven’t let them as I don’t want them to track in mud.

I went to the family reunion late. I showed up as they were finishing eating. I visited with a few and then left. Not in the mood for a crowd today. They didn’t have a huge crowd today but had a nice turnout. I got to see my Aunt Marylyn and my brother Keith and part of his family. Also visited with some of my mother’s cousins. I only stayed about 45 minutes – it was all I could handle.

Haven’t done much else today. I did manage to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen a bit. I had laid out two pounds of hamburger to make a meat loaf to take to the reunion and need to figure out what to do with the thawed meat tomorrow.

A dear friend and her best guy are coming over tomorrow late morning. I may get ambitious and fix lunch for them or we may end up eating at the Grand. I’ll see how my morning goes.

Wednesday we are going to KC for the day. Have to leave the house by 8:00 so will have to get up early and get going.

I need to make some phone calls tomorrow so trusting I will be able to do that. I want to get a date set for Max’s Celebration of Life and I need to know when the community building is available so I can reserve it and set the date. Once I have the date I can then start making other plans for invitations, food, etc.

I need to get an appointment to take Ellie to the Vet. She is overdue for her shots and she has a foul oder about her. I am suspicious she is becoming diabetic.

We will probably get Max’s death certificates tomorrow or Wednesday. I will start preparing the paperwork needed to file for MA probate. It seems to be rather simple but that doesn’t always hold water for long. I can’t officially file until June 4 but I would like to have everything ready to go on June 4. We need the probate process to close out his bank account and to forward his mail. There is a retirement account that may need probate to close it out too.

After Wednesday I will go back to having lots of empty space ahead. Hoping I will get the rest of the deep cleaning done. I have dragged this out so long it is time to repeat clean the rooms I have already cleaned. Sure seems something always needs cleaned around here.

I have been a bit teary eyed today. Allowing myself some grace to release some stored up emotion. May has turned into a challenging month for me and I need to slow down and allow the emotion to come up and out. Not a fun thing to do but oh so necessary.

Grateful to see some relatives for a hot minute today, grateful for Notes on my iPhone so I don’t forget to do the things on my to do list, and grateful for the rain that has fallen and looking forward to the sun returning.

I had a weird night’s sleep. I went to bed at 7:00 and fell asleep right away. Slept until 9:00 and then was up for a couple of hours. Rinse and repeat all night.

I heard the thunderstorms at some point during the night. It was still raining when I got up this morning. Not sure how much rain we got but the puddle by the sidewalk is getting big. So nice to get rain again. It feels like it has been a long time since we got a good soaking.

I have done absolutely nothing today. I am still in my pajamas. Decided I wasn’t going anywhere today and no one was coming over so why get dressed. I didn’t attempt to clean anything today. Not in the mood for it and decide to take a day of rest.

Sophia wanted to go outside this morning but Roxy stayed in. Kathy walked both dogs when it quit raining. Roxy stayed in the house all day. Kathy finally let Sophia in late afternoon. Kathy had to take the hose to her to clean Sophia off enough so she could come in the house. She smells like wet dog – yuck!

Tomorrow I have a family reunion to go to if I can make myself go. I laid out some hamburger to make a meat loaf if I decide to go. Will throw together a dessert of some sort in the morning and call it good. We always have too much food so am not taking much.

Tuesday I need to call and make a Vet appointment for Ellie. She has a foul oder and I am suspicious she might becoming diabetic. I also need to call and reserve the Community Building in Cottonwood Falls so we can hold a Celebration of Life for Max (Gene) some time soon. The date of the event will depend on when the building is available. I also need to call and cancel Max’s truck insurance. Trusting I will be able to make calls that day – some days I can and some days I can’t.

Wednesday we have to be at an attorney’s office in KC at 10:00. We will have to get up and get going early that day. Will stop for lunch while we are in town and will make a Costco stop. Nicole is tied up that day so we can’t have lunch with her.

No plans for the rest of the week or next weekend. I will continue to work on the deep clean of this house and get that project wrapped up.

Feeling a bit ungrounded today. Not sure what is up with that as I have spent the day at home without any TV on and I didn’t read much news today. I didn’t move my body much today and I’m sure that is part of it. Feeling very unmotivated today and couldn’t make myself move. Feels a bit like I am swimming upstream and going no where.

Grateful for the rain, grateful for a day of rest, and grateful for the empty space that I am finding myself in these days.

I was surprised when I looked at the clock. I thought it was getting close to bedtime and it is only 5:30. I woke up early today so this has been a long day.

We had a thunderstorm during the night. Not sure how much rain we got but I had a big puddle beside the sidewalk. It usually takes over an inch that comes down hard to make that puddle. Lots of lightning and thunder during the night. I love the sound of thunder and appreciated the rain. We are in a drought and every drop of rain we get helps.

This has been mostly a stay-at-home day. I did run to Strong City to put some books in the little free library. I had two sacks full but only one sack would fit. I will take the other sack to the Friends of the Library in Emporia next time I am downtown. I went to Jacalita for a late lunch/early dinner.

I hand mopped the dining room today. I moved everything off the floor except the big pieces and cleaned it good. Found lots and lots of dirt. Can’t remember the last time I had done that. Guess I need to do it more often.

I moved all the clutter out of the living room. Now my porch looks cluttered but I don’t see it all the time. It will all go away sooner or later. Have some cardboard to take to the recycling bin. It is nice to have my living room clutter free again.

I had put on a long sleeve shirt today as the house felt cool after the rain. I spilled some of my breakfast on it and had to change shirts. While I was eating my late lunch I spilled sauce on the clean shirt. I decided it was not going to be a three-shirt day but it probably should have been. I’m not going anywhere and no one is coming over so decided to live with a sauce drip on my second shirt of the day. One of those days I guess…..

Kathy decided not to go to the alumni banquet. She had planned on going but was having a hard day. I do the same thing – going somewhere sounds fun until it is time to leave the house and then I can’t/won’t go. I offered to go with her but she knew I really didn’t want to go and she decided to stay home.

Didn’t feel up to attempting to fix my Apple Watch problem. It is telling me to enter the password to my apple account. When I do that apple tells me it is the wrong password. I go in circles trying to change the password. I have to be in the right mood for all that nonsense. Today was not the day!

No plans for tomorrow. I hope to get some more of the cleaning done. I am well over half way done. Sure feels nice to have a couple of clean rooms. Still have a bit more to do in the dining room and bedroom and then those two rooms will be done. Just have the kitchen and living room to do after that. Sure enjoy having a small house when it comes time to clean.

Monday I have a family reunion to go to if I can make myself go. I enjoy it when I go although I am not good at small talk and sometimes there isn’t anyone there that I can get into a deep conversation with. Not the time and space for that anyways but I really do not like shallow, small talk. I will come home exhausted if I go.

Tuesday I want to see if the shelter house at Swope Park is available June 29. I would like to host a Celebration of Life for Max (Gene). I will have to find another date if it isn’t available that day.

Kathy and I are going to KC Wednesday but other than that I don’t have any plans next week. It has been nice to have this empty space. My soul has needed extra breathing space lately. I have limited how much news I am reading and allowing the silence to surround me. Silence feels familiar and comforting to me right now. So much hardship and chaos is going on in the world right now. My soul can’t handle it right now and I have needed to retreat for a bit. My job is to fill my soul with light and keep it full and overflowing. That takes most of my energy these days.

Grateful the living room is clean again, grateful for the thunder and rain overnight, and grateful for a washer and dryer that makes days like this easy.

Kathy and I drove to Florence for lunch at the Branding Iron. It was one of the best restaurant lunches I have had in a long time. We both got the special which was a smash burger with avocado with fries.

After we ate we visited three different cemeteries to place flowers at graves of loved ones. We went to Hillsboro, Florence, and Cottonwood Falls cemeteries.

As we were leaving the last cemetery it started sprinkling a bit. By the time we got home it was sprinkling harder. We brought the cats and dogs inside and then it started raining. We didn’t get much rain but grateful we got the dogs and cats in before they got muddy and wet. It feels down right cold to me this afternoon. I thought strongly about turning the furnace on but wouldn’t let myself. I may turn my little floor heater on though. Once I get cold, I have a hard time warming up.

My Endocrinologist sent me a note and changed up my thyroid medications. That surprised me as she usually has me recheck in a couple of weeks and then changes it up if it remains low. The new prescription is coming from Mississippi so it will be a couple of days before I can start using the new dose. Hopefully my levels won’t go any lower before then. I may skip one dose this weekend and see if that will help.

My social security for the month was to be in my bank account next week. Guess because of the holiday Monday they sent it early. That was a nice surprise.

I have a password problem. My Apple Watch quit working as it says I need to enter my Hotmail password. I do that but it doesn’t fix the problem. I changed the password and that doesn’t work. Does anyone know anything about this stuff? It is driving me crazy and I am at my limit of skill set. Not sure why all of a sudden my watch did that as nothing had changed. Technology messes with my brain sometimes – and not in a good way.

I go round and round with the codes, passwords, etc. It feels like it is a black hole that sucks me in and never lets me out! Can anyone help a girl out?

I filled the trash can for next week already and still have more than seven boxes to go. I can do this for one more week – right? I think I can, I think I can. I have got to get rid of this clutter in the living room – it is getting on my last nerve. I think I will pile them on the front porch. I only see that when I come into the house.

Tried calling to cancel Max’s truck insurance and the phone would ring for several times and then a voice would come on that said “good bye” and disconnect the line. Tried it twice. I called around 3:00 our time. Maybe they closed early for the holiday weekend. I’ll try again Tuesday.

Can you tell I am falling into the muck pond? Little annoyances are wearing me out. None of them are big but added up I have allowed them to push me over the ledge. Be very careful of me right now!

We are going to plan a picnic at on Sunday, June 29 to have a celebration of Max’s life. He asked that we not hold a service and we will honor that. He asked that his cremains be scattered at a body of water or else in a forest. Since Kansas is not known for its forests, we will use the Chase County Lake as the next best spot. I think we will have a lunch and then a short remembrance. His birthday was June 25 so this is close to that. I need to check if there is a shelter of some sort that we can reserve in advance. Anyone know who I call?

Made an appointment for Kathy to go to my estate attorney next week. We are going Wednesday to KC so she can get her will drawn up and designate a power of attorney, etc. She has been wanting to get that done for some time. We both have extra free time and it seemed to be the right time to get that done. Since we will be in KC we will make a stop at Costco and restock.

Sitting with a major life change in this house. Nothing has changed yet it feels like everything did. Not sure where this new path will lead. It will teach me a much needed lesson in patience. Grateful for a strong support system around me. It will be an interesting ride in the coming months and years.

Grateful for my loved ones and the memories of them I hold dear, grateful for the city trash service, and grateful for blankets and floor heaters on cold, rainy days.

The A/C guy came early this morning to do the annual check on the A/C unit. I’m grateful I woke up early and was ready for him when he showed up an hour early.

Kathy had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon and I went to town with her. Since I was at the clinic I remembered to get a blood draw to check my TSH levels. They came back low at 0.5. They haven’t been this low for a long time. I bet they won’t change my prescription and have me recheck them in four weeks.

We stopped at the pharmacy after we were done at the clinic and came home. Going to the clinic late afternoon is a good time to go. There was no wait for the blood draw or for the elevators. The place looked almost empty.

I cleaned up a clutter corner in the living room today. That corner has bothered me for a long time and it feels good to have it cleaned up. I have three items that I need to find a new place for. One needs to be hung outside but not sure I have the skills to do that. The other two need to be hung inside and not sure I have the skills for that either. I also have a sack of books to take to the library book sale or put in the free library box in Strong City.

I got tickets to the Royals game for June 14. Michelle, Kathy and I are going. Geoff is throwing out the first pitch. I asked Nicole what time we should be there and she said they are getting there around 11:00. It is a 3:10 game. I guess they are giving away bubble heads for the first guests that arrive. Don’t think I want one that bad to arrive four hours before the game starts. I think we will plan on arriving around 2:00. Not sure how long I can handle being in a crowd. Trust the weather will cooperate that day.

I got hold of the man that bought Max’s truck. He had a medical problem and hadn’t gotten to the registrar yet. He took care of it today. He had to call me for some more information which luckily I had. He called back and said it was taken care of. It had taken him two hours at the registry to take care of it. I appreciate him taking care of it today so I can cross that off my list. I will call and cancel the truck insurance tomorrow. Grateful that issue got resolved.

Found out today the death certificates are in the mail to me. They should be here well before June 4 which is when I can file for probate. Massachusetts has three levels of probate and Max qualifies for the easiest one. They call it Voluntary Administration. The rest of the things that need done can’t happen until I get a response back from the probate judge. It may be mid summer before all gets taken care of. Don’t have any reason to rush it all so will allow it to happen when it needs to.

Tomorrow Kathy and I are going to decorate graves. We will go to Marion, Florence, Hillsboro and Cottonwood Falls Cemeteries. I remembered to buy flowers last time I was at Walmart. It will take a couple of hours to do the round trip. Maybe we will have lunch in Florence as a treat.

No plans for the weekend. I do have a family reunion to go to at noon on Monday if I can make myself go. Sometimes I can and sometimes I just can’t. I don’t have any other plans all week next week. Still loving this empty space time but know the time is coming when it won’t feel so good. I do better when I have a bit of structure and things to look forward to during the week.

I do need to track down Tagen next week and do something about his truck. We need to sell his big truck and get him a more financially suitable vehicle. He can’t afford this big truck. Not sure how I go about this but I will figure this out. We also need to set a date for him to be moved out of the rental house so I can get it listed and sold.

Can’t say I was surprised the House passed the Big Beautiful Bill. I was comforted a bit when I read that the Senate has to pass it exactly as it is without any changes. From what I read the chances of that are slim to none. They will make changes and then it has to go back to the House again and repeat the process. Trusting that it won’t pass and become law. The poor in our country deserve better. Hell, all the people in this country deserve better.

Feeling a bit overwhelmed tonight. The clutter in the living room is getting to me and I haven’t figured out how to get rid of it yet. Tomorrow is trash day but my trash container is already full. Not sure I can handle it for another two weeks or more. May end up having to carry it to my car and taking it to the dump.

Grateful the truck issue got resolved today rather easily, grateful the A/C unit checked out OK, and grateful one more clutter corner was cleaned up today.

This has been a quiet, stay-at-home day. The weather has been perfect today with a light breeze. I got cool and had to close my window this afternoon. Much prefer days like this than the hot, humid ones that are coming.

I made a couple phone calls dealing with Max’s estate today. I attempted to cancel his truck insurance but the agent told me his tags have not been turned in yet and that has to happen before they can cancel his insurance. Kathy can’t find the name and number of the guy that bought the truck. I need to send an email to the manager of the apartment complex Max lived in and see if she will pass along a message to the guy that bought the truck. He works at the complex.

I also called Social Security to report his death. After going through a rather complicated phone system I was told there was over a 120 minute wait to talk to someone. I left my number and they said they would call me when it was my turn. Four hours later a lady called. They did not have record of his death yet. Uhm…. Wonder why? The funeral home was to have reported it the week of the death. I still haven’t heard about the death certificate yet. I might need to call about that tomorrow.

I also called his Massachusetts insurance company. They need a copy of the death certificate to cancel the policy. I told them I would mail them a copy when I received them.

Did a bit of paper work today. Finally made a file of Max’s important papers and put them all in one place so I can find what I need quickly. Cleaned off my desk and organized it a bit better. Finally got my suitcase fully unloaded and put away. Found one last box that needed gone through of Max’s stuff.

The pile of papers that need to go away is starting to drive me batty. My trashcan is full so won’t get rid of any of it this trash week. May load it all up in the car and take it to the dump. Not sure I can handle another week of it.

Took Sophia for a walk this afternoon. Roxy declined my offer of taking her for a walk. It is a wonderful day for a walk in the neighborhood.

Tomorrow the heating and air guy is coming to service the A/C unit late morning. After that I don’t have anything on my calendar. I do need to fix a couple of birthday cards and get them in the mail. Have the weekend free too. Need to make a cemetery run on Sunday and put flowers on all the family graves.

Finished the last show of the last season of Army Wives last night. I need to find a new series to binge watch.

I am going to be selling the house Tagen is living in next month. He is struggling to keep up with the bills and rent and needs to move back home for a while. If you know of anyone who is looking for a cute two bedroom, one bathroom house with a fenced in yard in Emporia let me know.

That will put me down to owning only one rental – the one Jason is in. He is on track to buy his house either later this year or early next year. When that happens, I will be out of the rental business. All the houses were great investments and did well for me but it is time to simplify and only have one house to worry about.

The urge to tuck in and lay low for a while is still strong. It feels like I am to extend that to all levels of my life. Not sure what is headed our way but I will need extra strength and light to cope with whatever is headed my way.

Grateful some more phone calls got made today, grateful for an afternoon walk with Sophia, and grateful for the privilege of being able to stay home most days.

The second storm last night woke me up. I had rain blowing in my bedroom window. We had small hail for a bit with high winds and more rain. I haven’t heard rain totals for the area. It was nice to get some rain.

I went to Emporia late morning today. I needed to run the errands I didn’t have the energy to do yesterday. I have a CD that is coming up for renewal so I stopped at the bank I have it at. I had received a letter from them telling me I needed to give renewal instructions before the renewal date. However the clerk at the bank told me they couldn’t do anything until the actual renewal date and that I had 10 calendar days from the date of renewal to come in and take care of it. Wonder why the letter didn’t say that?

Went to Brown’s Shoe Store and got two pair of Smart Wool socks. They usually have a good selection of colors and styles but not so much today. I only got two pairs as that is all they had in the weight of sock I like.

Went through the car wash and then took some time to vacuum out the car. Traveling over 3,300 miles caused the car to look like it was lived in.

Went to Walmart and got the items on my grocery list and the other things I needed. While I was at Walmart I got hot and dizzy for a bit. I managed to get out of the store and to my car. I stopped at McDonald’s and got an iced tea. I hadn’t had any fluids today and I think I was a bit dehydrated. Felt a bit better by the time I got home.

Got the car unloaded and things put away. I felt drained again after the trip to town. I was invited to a Happy Hour this afternoon but didn’t have the energy to go. One outing a day seems to be my limit right now.

It was much cooler today as a result of the storm last night. It was a beautiful day. We had a few little limbs down this morning. Grateful I had all the trees trimmed last year so there is less danger of limbs falling.

I don’t have anywhere to go tomorrow so will have a stay at home day. I did a bit of cleaning today and plan on doing more tomorrow. It takes me longer to clean a room than normal as I am working on some piled up clutter in each room. This house is small and I have to get creative to find places for everything. Too often I pile it up until I can’t anymore.

I have been able to refill myself by staying home this afternoon. I filled back up quicker than I did yesterday. I’m betting with another few quiet days at home I will be able to hold my light longer when I am out and about. Still not spending much time reading the news. My soul isn’t ready for that yet. Reading the news drains me even faster than going to town.

Nothing much feels important to me yet. This feels like a time I am to nest and clean and rest. I feel my body resetting somehow. Sometimes I don’t understand at the time why I am intuitively led to do things. My life functions best when I do what I am led to do and not over ride it.

Grateful the errands got taken care of today, grateful for the rain last night, and grateful for this time of rest and reset.

I went to Emporia mid morning to get my hair cut. I then went and had lunch. I was going to buy some groceries but felt drained and had to come home. I was able to maintain neutral all the time I was in town but knew if I stayed in town any longer I wouldn’t be able to hold it.

I haven’t had a lot of energy today. I didn’t get another room cleaned today because I knew if I pushed myself too far I would fall below neutral and have trouble climbing back up. I am slowing refilling myself today but not full yet.

I was surprised how fast I drained while I was in town. Grateful I recognized what was happening and came home when I did. I am finally learning how to practice self-care and take care of myself first.

We had quite a storm roll through this evening. There was a beautiful rainbow afterwards. It is the first one I have seen since I moved to this house.

Nothing on my calendar for the rest of the week. I will have to go back to town one day to get the things that I should have gotten today. I will have time to get my house cleaned this week.

Still haven’t heard if Max’s friend has received the death certificates or not. Guess it doesn’t matter as I can’t do anything with one until it has been 30 days since he died. I’m sure I will have them by then. I do need to remember to cancel his truck insurance – I keep forgetting to do that.

Trust that my energy level will rise again soon. I’m grateful I was able to take care of myself today and come home without doing everything I wanted to do. It has been a hard month on many levels and it is taking some time to level back out again.

Feels a bit strange to have so much empty space time in front of me. I am both grateful and terrified of it. I do better with some structure and routine and I feel like I don’t have that right now. I’m sure there is a bigger purpose in this free time and I am going to be careful with how I feel it.

Grateful for the self-care I practiced today, grateful for the rain we received, and grateful for the rainbow I saw today.

It has been a quiet day at home. I didn’t have a lot of energy today so worked in small spurts. It was nice to take my time and not rush.

I finished detail cleaning the laundry room today. I hand mopped the floor and got things better organized. I also washed the bedspread, blanket and sheets on my bed and got the bed put back together. I will finish cleaning the bedroom tomorrow. 2 down – 6 to go.

Tomorrow I have to be in Emporia at 11:15 for a haircut. I have a few errands to run tomorrow. I need to pick up a few groceries and check in with Tagen. I’m not sure if he is working tomorrow or not.

I feel like it has been a long time since I have been in Emporia. I’m grateful to be able to go tomorrow and get my errands taken care of and the pantry stocked up again. It will also be nice to get a haircut. It is way overdue.

I finally feel like I am all the way home. These three days staying at home and taking is slow and easy helped. It was good to set aside all the paperwork from Max and let it rest for a bit. There is nothing more I can do on any of it until 30 days after the death. I also still don’t have the death certificate. This will all proceed in its own time.

Still have lots of boxes in the living room. They are full of stuff that needs to be disposed of. Kathy has slowly been burning some of it each day. I will get rid of three of the boxes when I do trash on Thursday. I need to figure out where to move the boxes until I can get them out of here. The clutter in the living room is starting to bother me. When I am around clutter my mind has trouble quieting down.

Don’t have anything else planned for the rest of the week. I should have plenty of time to get the rest of the house detail cleaned. I do feel better when my house is really clean.

Feeling a bit disconnected from the world tonight. I have been distracted with settling Max’s affairs and dropped out of sight. I also haven’t been reading the news much and haven’t had a chance to talk to my friends since I have been home. Things that felt important before Max died seem far away right now. Funny how quickly your priorities can change. I will take advantage of this and decide again what I want to pick back up again. Right now I am having trouble making anything feel very important.

Grateful two rooms in this house are completed, grateful for this period of down time, and grateful I get to have my haircut tomorrow.

I woke up early and couldn’t go back to sleep. When I get up before 7:00 it makes the day feel long.

Kathy started going through some of the boxes of Max’s stuff this morning. I joined in and we worked all morning. We got the car emptied and everything brought inside. We did a first pass through all the boxes. We only ended up saving about two boxes of stuff. We must have brought home 15 or more.

Found a box of my grandmother’s childhood things. I had never seen the contents of that box and didn’t know Max had it. Not sure how he got it but am grateful that he did. He was a better saver of that type of thing than I am.

We will go back through the box and determine what to keep and what to share with other family members. There are some pictures of my aunts, uncles, and cousins that they might appreciate getting.

I’m glad I didn’t get to Emporia and buy a bunch of tubs to store stuff in. I only need two and don’t have room for more.

Max put all his notes, writings, etc. in three-ring binders. I don’t have a need for 30 binders so made a post on Facebook and put it on the Cares and Shares page. Trusting someone or several someone’s will come by and pick them up for free. I would rather they go to someone that can use them to throw them in the trash.

I have a huge pile of boxes of stuff that we need to either burn or throw away. We will probably do a mixture of both. My trash can won’t hold all the pile so it may take us a couple weeks to get rid of it all. Not sure where I am going to store it all until I can rid of it. Clutter gets to me after a bit. I guess I could load it all up in my car again and take it to the dump. Hate the thought of carrying all the boxes again though. We shall see what happens.

I was going to clean today but ended up doing this job instead. It needed done and I am grateful it is done except for the disposal of the stuff we aren’t keeping. I can mange figuring out what to do with one or two boxes and not get overwhelmed with 20 of them.

I took a nap this afternoon. I had stayed up late last night and got up too early this morning. I hadn’t had a nap for a bit and it felt good to take one.

Need to get back to the housecleaning tomorrow. That job has been pending too long and I will feel better when I get the whole house detailed clean again. Now that my car is empty again I can get it cleaned out.

It has been good for my soul to stay home these last two days. I get to stay home tomorrow too. I am slowing beginning to feel like I am filling up again. Trusting by the end of tomorrow I will be overflowing.

Finally feeling like I am home all the way. Getting the car unloaded and all the boxes gone through really helped. It feels like this project is almost done. I still have the probate process to deal with but that can’t be started until 30 days after the death. It will proceed as it will and there won’t be much I can do to speed it along. It doesn’t sound too complicated but one never knows until you are in the middle of it.

Grateful the car is empty, grateful all the boxes have been gone through, and grateful for a nap today.

I finally got sleep last night. I was awake a couple times during the night but each time was able to go back to sleep rather quickly. I am tired today but that is normal for me after getting good sleep.

I detail cleaned our bathroom today. I washed the rugs and hand mopped the floor. Found lots of dirt as I hadn’t detail cleaned it for a bit. I even washed the light fixture and woodwork. One room down, five to go. I started the laundry room and may get it done yet tonight – we shall see.

I haven’t worked on any of the boxes we brought back from MA today. I needed to take a break and be fresh when I tackle them again. I still have a bunch to bring in from my car. It will happen – just not sure when. Haven’t touched any of the paperwork either. I needed a break from it all.

I’m grateful it cooled down today. We opened the windows and have let the fresh air blow in. Whatever the smell was is gone. It is to stay in the upper 70’s to lower 80’s for a couple of days so will leave the house open until it warms up again.

No plans for the weekend. I have a haircut Monday late morning so will go to Emporia for that. I will need some groceries by then too. If I remember I need to stop and have a blood draw. I haven’t checked my thyroid levels for a bit. It will be good to have another two full days of stay-at-home time. I feel more of me got home today but am not sure I am at 100% yet. I’m sure by the end of the weekend I will be all home. Cleaning the house is grounding work for me and that helped today.

I called and made a doctor’s appointment today. I discovered last night I have a prolapse that will need some attention. Unfortunately I bet it will need surgery as I am guessing it is a Grade 3 or 4. Wish a doctor would have checked and caught it earlier so I could have tried other measures to support it. My appointment isn’t until the first week of June. When I called, the clerk checked with a nurse to see if they needed to work me in as an emergency and the nurse said it could wait a couple of weeks. Grateful for that information. It is uncomfortable but good to know not urgent.

Enjoying this beautiful spring day. I could live somewhere that has weather like this most days. I may try to get out and take a walk in a bit. I need to move my body and get it home.

Allowing myself grace and time to refill and recharge. Am so grateful I have an empty calendar for the next couple weeks so I can ease into things again. Not sure I could hold myself above neutral if I had to be around lots of people right now.

While I was gone I didn’t read much news or pay much attention to the state of affairs in the world. I read the news for about five minutes today and had to turn it off. I will never understand what our politicians have against poor people. The cruelty of some of the actions they are attempting to take is disheartening, to say the least.

Grateful the bathroom is clean, grateful for this perfect spring day, and grateful for the sounds of silence around me.

This has definitely been a rest and recovery day. Kathy and I did drive to Marion to pick up the dogs. We stopped at the grocery store in Marion before we got the dogs to pick up a few things so I didn’t have to go to Emporia for a few days. The dogs were happy to see us and we got a good report on them.

This morning I unloaded a few things from the car. I need to get some plastic tubs to put the stuff in as I don’t like to store things in cardboard. I’ll have to empty at least part of the load out of my car to fit the new tubs in though.

I found a power of attorney Max had notarized but unfortunately it is a durable one and expired upon his death. We still need to empty a bank account and forward his mail. I am going to have his friend who was named as his POA attempt to do those two things using the durable power of attorney form. Maybe the bank and post office won’t know the difference and will honor it.

I mailed a packet of things I found to his friend back in MA. I found some pictures of her along with some other paper that she will need.

We found a packet of letters that our dad had written to his friend while he was in the Army and stationed in New Guinea in 1945. Interesting reading to say the least. I will save those but not sure what to do with them. Not sure how Max had gotten hold of the guy that had written the letters and sent them to Max.

I went through my mail and didn’t find much that I needed to deal with. I need to pay one bill and deposit a refund check. I’m not too motivated today to do much so will get to those things sooner or later.

I’m tired this afternoon. I may still go take a nap. I slept for an hour or so last night and then was up for a couple of hours and then got a second sleep of a couple more hours. Maybe tonight will be the night that I sleep lots.

No plans for the weekend. I did schedule a haircut for Monday so will go to Emporia then. I plan on hanging around the house until then. It was hard to get in the car to go to Marion but at least Kathy drove today.

Need to do some housecleaning this weekend. The house was dusty before we left and it is really dusty now. We have a smell of some sort in here that we need to find and clean up. Thank heavens the house isn’t very big and it won’t take me days to clean it all. Although as slow as I am moving, it might!

I also need to get my car cleaned out when I get it emptied. Somehow we managed to make a mess in it while traveling. When I go to Emporia Monday I will need to wash it and vacuum it out. It also needs wiped down inside.

Grateful I can ease back into things here. I don’t have anything on my calendar for the coming days except the haircut. My soul needs lots of empty space right now to process all that has happened this month. I am running on fumes right now and will need to refill my soul.

What a beautiful day it is today. Kathy was out early mowing and getting the yard back into shape. I welcomed the blue skies and light breeze today. We need rain but my soul needed blue skies today.

Don’t feel like I have gotten all of me back home yet. My brain is in slow motion today and processing things slowly. Grateful I have the time and space to not rush this process and allow myself time and grace to get fully home.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful the dogs are back home, and grateful I have the luxury of allowing my body all the rest it needs.

We are home after traveling 3,278 miles safely. Man did it feel good to pull into the driveway. I am wiped out. I did all the driving this trip and if I don’t get into another car for a month I will be happy.

We left Indianapolis around 7:30 this morning. It was raining when we left. We didn’t have breakfast at the hotel although Kathy grabbed a cup of coffee. We headed home as we had 600 miles to drive today.

An hour or so down the road I looked at the clock and it said the same time it said when we left. It took me a minute to remember we had changed from Eastern time zone to Central. We got to redo the hour. That was a bit disheartening.

The miles seem to pass rather quickly today except for the last 100 or so. The closer we got to home, the farther away it felt.

We didn’t hit stop and glide traffic until we got to KC and then we hit it twice. The first time I pulled off and bypassed most of the slow down. The second time we mustered through it.

We saw early spring back east and almost summer time as we got home. We paid anywhere from $2.79 a gallon for gas (Kansas) to $3.39 (Missouri). Most of the time it was around $3 a gallon.

Back east they have had more than their share of rain. Lots of flooding and rain going on while we were there. We could tell KS had gotten some but the ponds were still low.

My goose egg has disappeared on my forehead from my mishap yesterday. It is still tender to touch but otherwise OK. Last night my right wrist and hand hurt all night. I think I may have sprained it during my trip and fall. I took some ibuprofen and it felt better although in certain positions it sends pins and needles up my fingers and down into my arm. I also must have hit the side of my head when my glasses went flying as there is a tender spot there too. Wished I had a video of the mishap. Not really sure what all happened.

We are going to wait till tomorrow to unload the car. We each brought in our suitcases and decided the rest could wait. We may take Kathy’s car to go get the dogs tomorrow. I may not get my car unloaded for a couple of days. The thought of carrying all that stuff is overwhelming as is thinking about where to put it all. We will probably store it in the shed and bring in a box at a time to go through.

The remaining things that need taken care of are waiting for a copy of the death certificate and not sure when we will get those. I think I will set everything aside until next week and then take a fresh look at it and go from there. Not much left to take care of and none of it is urgent.

It is going to take a couple days for all of me to get home. I haven’t slept well on this trip and need to catch up on sleep. Thankfully I don’t have anything on my calendar for the next couple of days except for picking the dogs up. I will welcome the empty space so I can process the trip and release some pent up emotion.

I will offer myself some grace and have zero expectations of getting anything done through the weekend. I will make a list of things that need to be done for next week and allow that to be enough for a bit.

Doing this project makes me want to get more active with my Death Doula work, especially helping people name their power of attorney, reminding them to make sure all their accounts have a beneficiary named, and that their last wishes are known to their family members. It makes it so much easier for survivors if that is all taken care of. If you need help with getting your affairs in order, reach out. I would love to help.

Grateful to be home safely, grateful Kathy and I were able to make this trip and take care of business, and grateful to be able to sleep in my own bed tonight.