Starry night on the prairie

So many of you have been asking how I am doing and what is happening with my thyroid cancer. This seems to be the easiest way to catch everyone up with what is happening with it.

I went to the Endocrinologist in Topeka today. I saw the actual Doctor for the first time in this office. She called me back from the waiting room herself. It took me a minute to figure out she was the Doctor and not a nurse.

She had not received my records from MD Anderson so I was glad I had taken my copy with me. She was excited to read the change in my cancer diagnosis and was really happy I had gone to get a second opinion. She agreed to order an ultrasound to be done three times this year and will do blood work every six to eight weeks and check the antibody levels as well as my thyroid levels each time. As long as the ultrasound is clear and my antibody levels continue to drop she agreed I did not need the radioactive iodine treatment.

The ultrasound place is to call me next week to get an ultrasound scheduled and I will have my blood drawn sometime in March. I go back to see her in June.

I feel like I can take a deep breath for the first time in a while. I liked the doctor and felt she listened to me and explained things to me. I agree with her plan of treatment.

The Moon Rising Party was a great success. 25 people came for dinner and eight spent the night. We had a great time even though the moon was shy and didn’t let us see much of her. She did peek out from under the clouds every once in a while. The sunset was OK but the after glow was amazing.

Lots of empty space on my calendar now. Call me if you want to have lunch!

Rejoicing with my good news today on the prairie! All is well!

Just dropping in to let everyone know I am OK. I have been doing some very deep soul work. I come up for air every once in a while and meet with dear friends and then dive deep again.

The work I am doing is diving deep into things that trigger me and working to discover why I get triggered. You know – those things that others do that I react to – often out of proportion to what they did. I am finding my reaction is one of habit and not choice. The simple reason I was triggered is really not what my reaction was all about as I dig deep inside myself. This has been some of the harder work I have done in a long time. It is not easy to take a look at myself and observe my very humanness. My mentor reminds me there is nothing I can “do” to fix it. I need to observe and give it some attention and then let it go. Easier said than done on many levels. Many days I don’t like myself very well and am not fit to be around people as a result. I am reminded again that what others do has nothing to do with me and what I do has nothing to do with others. Others are teachers allowing me the opportunity to observe myself and my reactions to life.

One of the things I have discovered is I really react strongly when someone places what feels like a demand on me. It starts a fire of anger in my belly that grows very quickly and leads me down a dark path. I have been spending time observing myself when that happens and am learning what is behind that habit.

All of this is good stuff when it is done but difficult in the moment for me. Sure feeling like the experience in Peru cleared out a lot of old stuff and is allowing me now to deal with some of my core issues. Not easy admitting to my human flaws and learning to embrace them and learn how to use them to grow.

I have often told my healing clients that life is like climbing a set of stairs. You climb one and things level out and life seems easy and it feels like you have life figured out. But then you start climbing another stair and sometimes that climb (life) feels very steep and hard and like you will never get to the top again. Lots of slipping and what feels like sliding backwards often times during the climb. Sometimes you find a toe hold and take a pause before you have the strength to climb again. That is what today feels like to me. I can’t see the top of the stair I am climbing yet and needing to take a pause before I find the strength to climb some more. I will reach the top of this stair but how and when is a mystery to me today. The good news is there is no time pressure to do so. When I am ready I will make this climb and reach the top and be able to enjoy life even more than I did before.

MD Anderson finally recommended I do NOT need to have the radioactive iodine treatment done. They said my cancer is garden variety papillary cancer and I do not have the dangerous variant so the chances of it coming back is very low. They recommend quarterly blood work and an ultrasound quarterly for the first year, semi-annual the second year and then annually. What a relief! I go see the Endocrinologist in Topeka on February 2. It may be an interesting visit!

My energy level is slowly starting to climb back up. I am feeling better than I have for a long time on most days. I have started riding my stationary bike again and am eating better than I did before. Sleep is still hit and miss but when I do sleep it is a deeper, more restful sleep.

In case you didn’t see it on Facebook I am inviting everyone over for a moon arising party on Wednesday, January 31. It is a full moon, super moon, blue moon and that night we will see a lunar eclipse. This lunar event happens once every 150 years so definitely a once in a lifetime event. The moon rises at 6:15 and we will have dinner together afterwards. I am fixing a beef stew (and a vegetarian option) and asking those that come bring a covered dish. All the beds are spoken for that night but if you are from out-of-town and want to stay in the area let me know and I will find you a bed somewhere close. Should be a fun night! Join me in setting the intention the sky will be clear that night so we can witness this rare event. Please come if you can! Bring friends with you. I would appreciate a heads up if you are coming so I can set enough plates at my table.

I have set an intention for myself to meet with two different friends every week for face-to-face connecting time. Reach out if you are desiring to connect deeply with someone. I am craving real conversation with like-minded people. It helps me sort out life and reminds me what is really important to me.

I have had to restart my money challenge as I failed rather quickly this time in my attempt to go 30 days without buying something new. Started again with a renewed intention. Money insecurity seems to be one of the roots of my life issues and I am challenging myself to dive deep into it and lessen the effects of it on the choices I make daily. Life is a game and it is more fun when I remember to act as if it is.

Hope to see you the 31st! Come if you can and if you can’t come get outside and observe this once in a lifetime event where ever you find yourself.

All is well on the prairie today!

This will be my last public blog for a bit. I have some stuff I need to work out and I want to do so using my blog format but it needs to be private. Not sure for how long or if I will come back to a public blog site.

Blogging publicly has been very healing for me on many levels. For many years I wore a public mask that was not very helpful for myself but I didn’t know how to be a different way. Blogging has helped me remove my mask and become much more comfortable with who I am – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Now it is time to do some deep, personal inner work. One disadvantage of a public blog is I tried hard to make the blog about myself and not about the people I interacted with. That is their story to tell – or not.

But now I need to work through some personal interactions I am having with others and I need to write out details so I can see if I can find old habits and patterns that keep reoccurring for me. Hard to do that in a public space.

So for a bit at least if you want to know what is happening with me you get to find out the old fashioned way – email me, text me, come see me or call me.

Thanks to all that have read my blog over the last couple of years. Never could figure out why people read it as my life is rather boring most times.

Contemplating taking a break from Facebook too. It has become a crutch for me to be able to avoid people as it feels like I am interacting with others but in reality I am not really doing so. I want to become more intentional of staying connected to my close friends. I’m afraid I have become lazy about that and allowed my energy to go to Facebook instead of face to face.

So for now, farewell! Please reach out and stay in touch with me the old fashioned way. I am craving closer connections with others!

In a little better mood today. We have been invited to a gathering tonight from 7:30 – 9:00. Not sure if I can people yet or not. I don’t want to spread this bad mood to others. Besides, little things are really bothering me today and I don’t want to snap at someone over something stupid.

My baby brother came out and picked up his new year’s cookies along with some left over fudge and pepper nuts. He even took my left over peanut butter balls. I threw away the stuff in two other containers. All that is left now are some Rollo pretzel bites and I can’t make myself throw them away yet. Maybe tomorrow….

I kept the chickens in their coop today. I just went down and filled their water container. They aren’t very happy with me making them stay inside today. It is 12 degrees out and the wind is blowing so betting the wind chill is below zero. They can go out tomorrow if it is a bit warmer.

It is so nice to be able to open the chicken coop door easily. Man! Why didn’t I have someone fix it a long time ago. Funny how I can put up with a minor nuisance and not investigate it more. It is the little things in life sometimes that can make the biggest difference.

Looking at an almost empty calendar so far for January. That both delights and terrifies me. The old habit of you have to be busy to be worth while starts running in my head when I have that much free time. Maybe this will be the year I can break free of that old, useless tape in my head. The last few months when I thought I was going to have lots of empty space stuff has come up and eaten away my empty space. Trusting this time will truly stay empty for me. I am way overdue for lots of empty space.

I got my tax organizer from my accountant yesterday so it must be time to start pulling numbers together for him. I got started on them in October so it won’t take me long to finish up. Waiting for tax forms from banks and others holds me up the most. Always feels good to get that job finished up. I will start cleaning out files and pulling 2016 records to put in storage. When it gets warmer I will go down to the barn and pull one more year of records to take to the dump. Only two more years of records after I pull the 2011 ones and those will be gone. I will have lots of empty storage racks when that happens.

A project I like to do every January is clean out all my cabinets and closets and see how much stuff I can get rid of. I use most of my dishes during the holidays so if I didn’t use them this year they go out. I noticed this morning my closet is feeling crowded so I need to get it cleared out. I love finding stuff I can get rid of. I boxed up a box of books to return to the library so they can resale them at the spring book sale. Maybe I can find a box or two to drop off at a Goodwill and make a “done with it” trip to town. I already cleaned out my pantry but what I found in it was stuff to throw away not give away. I really can’t stand clutter any more and anything I don’t use needs to go out of the house. I don’t keep just in case stuff anymore.

I was downstairs in my storage room and noticed I need to get down there and go through my totes one more time. Every time I do I find more stuff to get rid of. I put some extra furniture in there and that room is very crowded now. Anyone interested in two matching twin beds complete with mattress and box springs? They are in like new condition. I got Kathy a full-sized bed for her room and don’t need the twin beds anymore. $150 each or both for $200.

My money challenge starts tomorrow. Guess if I want to buy anything new I better get it ordered today! Good news is I can’t think of anything I want or need! Most of my spending continues to be impulse buying which is why a money challenge is helpful for me. Shopping from a list only really helps me be more aware of how I spend my money. I’m always surprised at how much I don’t spend when I use a list.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions as I celebrate Solstice and equinox and that feels more relevant to me. I did see a meme on Facebook that I could call my 2018 resolution. It said: My goals this year? Eat chocolate, be real, go on adventures, hang out with weird people, create epic shit, and be magical & sassy as fuck. Same as every other year.

It is a bitterly cold, sunny day on the prairie. All is well!