Starry night on the prairie

Another quiet day on the prairie.  It has been bitter cold today and mostly cloudy.  Good day to stay tucked inside where it is warm.  Even the cats didn’t stay outside long today.  The dogs, on the other hand, love this weather.

I haven’t done much again today.  I did get my taxes finished up and ready to take to the accountant tomorrow.  I typed out a note for her explaining the minor complications due to the divorce.  I’m sure she can figure them all out.

I will go to Emporia tomorrow to drop off the taxes and the letter from the City of Emporia telling me one of my renters has a vehicle parked illegally on their driveway.  I’m grateful I have a property manager that can deal with that.  I’m sure it has happened to other tenants they have before.

I turned on my TV to watch the Chiefs game.  I struggle with remembering each time how to work it.  I know I make it more complicated than it needs to be sometimes.  If I would use it more I’m sure I would figure it out but I still forget I have a TV and rarely turn it on.

I haven’t done a good job of staying on my eating plan for the last couple of days.  Not sure why other than I have been restless and unsettled.  Eating my feelings doesn’t help but sometimes I forget that and am eating before I even realize what I am doing.  This stretch I am in of not being motivated and doing nothing will end one of these days – just not today I guess.

Allowing myself some extra grace and remembering to allow what ever comes up with out judgement.  Beating myself up for not staying on my eating plan doesn’t help or work.  I will get passed this.  I needed to take some down time to allow some hard feelings to rise and be heard.  Not easy work but oh so necessary for my long-term healing.

Grateful my taxes are ready to be turned over to the accountant, grateful I know to let my feelings surface and to be heard, and grateful to know that this too shall pass.

All of a sudden the wind blew in this afternoon and the temperature started dropping.  Went from 52 down to 32 in less than an hour.  Burr.  The cold front is here and is going to hang around for the next three or four days.  Kinda like the 50’s and sunshine better.

Got a call from the post office this morning that woke me up.  They had attempted to deliver a letter yesterday that needed my signature.  They were calling to see if I wanted to come pick it up before 9:00 this morning or if I wanted them to deliver it this afternoon.  I got up and got dressed and made it to the post office before 9:00.

It was a letter from the City of Emporia telling me that one of my renters is in violation of city policy due to where they have parked a disabled car.  I went to Emporia this afternoon to check it out.  The car is on the side of the driveway with two wheels on the driveway and two wheels in the yard.  I don’t see what the big deal is but I will notify the people that manage the property for me on Monday and let them deal with the renter to get the car moved.  It seems like something is always popping up with the rental properties.

I had trouble sleeping last night so about 3:00 I took half of a sleeping aide.  I was sleeping really good when the post office called this morning.  Came back home after going to the post office and went back to bed and slept another couple of hours.  Still feeling a bit hungover this afternoon but was grateful to have gotten sleep last night.

Haven’t gotten much done today.  I am on a streak of not doing anything so guess I will continue on with that.  One of these days I will find some energy and decide to get up out of my chair and do something.  Just not today!

I’m out of distilled water and can’t find any in town.  Guess I will go back to using tap water and deal with the white film it leaves behind.  The humidifiers sure help me from having sinus problems like I was before.  Wish I could find distilled water but I will deal without it.

Got a second room booked out for the Unbound Gravel dirt bike race the first week of June.  Not sure if I am going for three rooms or not.  I promised private bathrooms to the two that are coming so don’t want to break my word to them.  Trusting they will show up and not back out.  Guessing if they do back out I will be able to find someone else to rent to.  Lots of people are looking for rooms right now.

Thinking about getting a temporary job for the next couple of months.  I would like to earn enough money to pay for my birthday trip.  Not sure what I will look for.  Wish I could find a job where I could work from home but not sure how one does that.  Anyone have any job leads that they can pass on to me?

A friend called me yesterday to let me know she has breast cancer.  She has decided to not do radiation or chemotherapy.  She is waiting some blood work results to come back and then will decide if she is going to have a lumpectomy, a single mastectomy or a double mastectomy.  Breast cancer runs rampant in her family so the news was not unexpected.  She cares for her elderly mother and has her hands full right now.  She also needs to have cataract surgery and recently discovered she is diabetic.  Some people sure have big troubles that seem to hit all at once.

Feeling a bit restless today and a bit unsettled.  That seems to be happening more lately.  Hard for me to sit in the silence and be comfortable.  I am working at allowing what ever I am feeling to rise and be heard.  I’m sure part of it is still remnants of grief that I am processing from the divorce.  My life path radically and quickly changed the last three months and getting my body, mind and spirit to catch up to each other and synchronize has been a challenge.  I have had moments when it has happened but keeping them together remains a bit illusive for me.  It will happen sometime – soon I hope!

Grateful for sleep, grateful for a second booking for the dirt race weekend, and grateful this cold front is only to hang around for four days.

Got a text from my renter in Cottonwood Falls last night informing me that the drains in the house are not draining well.  I sent a PM to Davis Drain Cleaning and they called this morning to let me know they would be there this afternoon to get it fixed.  They came and quickly fixed the issue.  I love doing business with local companies that honor their word, show up when they say they will and get the job done efficiently and professionally.  That was easy!

Went to Wichita with a friend today.  We both needed to pick up some things from Costco.  We had lunch at Panera and then went to Costco.  We both managed to fill our shopping carts fairly full.  Filled the car up with gas at Costco and paid $2.70 a gallon.  Not bad!

Stopped at the Subaru dealership on the way out of town and got a new battery put in my back-up key fob.  The guy that did it remembered me from the last time I was there.  I had attempted to replace the battery in the other fob myself and the spring fell out.  He managed to fix it for me last time.  He sure made replacing the battery look easy.  They do it for free!  That was easy!

Came home and got everything put away.  I am stocked up for a bit on paper towels, toilet paper, trash bags and chicken.  Bring on the cold winter weather next week.

It was a beautiful day for a drive through the Flint Hills.  I’m grateful my friend went with me.  It turned a chore into a delightful outing.

Nothing planned for the rest of the weekend.  It is to be nice again tomorrow and then the cold weather starts to return Sunday and even colder weather comes in Monday through Wednesday.  I don’t have anything on my calendar until next Thursday so I will tuck myself inside and ignore the cold weather outside.

Got the bank statement I was waiting for so now I can finish up my part of my taxes and get them taken to my accountant.  It is always a relief when I turn them over to them.  Have no idea how I will come out this year since I will be filing single this year.  There are a few complications due to the divorce that the accountant will have to sort out.  Somehow it will all get done and sorted through.

Booked one rider that is coming to town June 1 —4 for the Unbound Gravel Bike ride.  I will try to find at least one, if not two more to book for that weekend too.  They are usually easy guests as they are focused on the race and won’t be around here much.  Rooms are hard for them to find and they appreciate having a quiet, comfortable place to stay.  Easy way to make a little cash.

I’m finally starting to settle down a bit from earlier this week.  This has been a hard week for me.  Can’t quite put my finger on why that was other than it started after therapy Monday.  I have felt restless and unsettled most of the week.  I’ve had little energy and no motivation to do anything.  Maybe I was coming down from all the emotion and stress from the last couple of months.  I’m grateful I didn’t have anything on my calendar and I could give my body quiet time and not have to push through to do something.

Did some price checking on flights to Ireland and Scotland.  It is cheapest to fly into Edinburgh and then take another flight to Ireland for the hike and then fly back to Scotland for the train trip.  I priced a flight direct to Ireland and then home via Scotland and the price was over twice what a round trip ticket to Scotland will be.  The little flight from Scotland to Ireland and then back to Scotland was very cheap.  Still haven’t booked anything but getting close to doing so.  I need to check out a few more companies and options before I make a final decision.

Grateful for a friend that came along for the ride today, grateful for Davis Drain Cleaning and their professional, prompt service, and grateful for the beautiful sunset this evening.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I finally got up and read while sitting in my corner chair.  About 8:00 I noticed I was cold even though I had wrapped a blanket around me.  I got up and got dressed and then checked the thermostat.  It was 65 in the house.  The furnace was set on 71.

I called the repair man and luckily one was available and within an hour headed my way.  He got the furnace fixed in about 10 minutes.  I had a clogged drain line.  The house heated right back up and all is well.

I’m grateful it was an easy fix and that a repair man was available quickly.  The forecast for next week is mid to low 20’s for the high for several days and not a good time to not have heat.  I was also grateful for my propane fireplace that kept the living room bearable until the heat could be fixed.

I fell asleep in my chair a little after noon today.  I slept for about an hour.  I needed a bit more sleep as I didn’t get my second sleep last night.

This hasn’t been a very productive day for me.  Still not feeling very motivated to do much but I don’t have anything urgent to do.  Taking advantage of a quiet time in my life and not doing much.  I still like productive time better but am learning to lean into lazy days and appreciate them for what they are.

I fixed bacon and eggs for breakfast this morning.  The house was cold and eating my normal yogurt with frozen blueberries didn’t seem like a good idea.  I had yogurt for a late lunch today after my nap.  May skip dinner tonight, I’ll see if I get hungry later.

Tomorrow a friend is going to ride with me to Wichita so we can go to Costco and buy the store out.  We both need toilet paper, etc. so will have a car load coming home.  I’ll stop and get a new battery put in my Subaru key fob since the dealership is close to Costco.  We are going to have lunch and then go to Costco.  Having a friend go with me will make the trip into a fun day out.

Tomorrow it is to be 47 and a clear day so it is a good day to go to Wichita before the cold hits on Sunday.  I need to get out of the house and getting my Costco run out of the way will be a good thing.

Nicole, Michelle and I booked a four day trip to Vegas for early April.  We have never taken a mother/daughter trip and it is past time we did that.  We will fly out on a Wednesday and then home on Saturday.  One really doesn’t need more than two full days in Vegas.  I’m excited for the trip and it gives me something to look forward to.

Did some on-line research about a hiking trip in Ireland followed by a train trip through Scotland.  Need to decide if I want to spend the money on myself.  The hiking trip I looked at is 10 days and then the train trip is another 10 day trip.  I would go over a couple days early to adjust to the time difference and would have to fly or take a train from Ireland to Scotland.  The hiking trip I looked at goes along the coastline and you walk between 8 – 16 miles a day.  I can do that!  This would give me a reason to get back into shape and give me something to look forward to and a great way to celebrate turning 70.  Should I or should I not?  I’ll sit with it a bit longer and then decide.  Anyone want to go with me?  You could come for one or both parts of the trip with me.  Thinking late August or September but a flexible on dates.  July is another possibility as that would allow me to escape the heat of a KS summer.

No plans for the weekend.  I’ll have to check with the grandkids and see if they want to do something.  I haven’t fixed them any treats since our family Christmas early in January.  They got a lot of them then so evidently they still have some or they would have requested something.  I miss baking cookies.

Grateful the furnace was fixed easily and quickly today, grateful for my daughters willingness to go on a trip with me, and grateful for naps on a cold winter’s day.

 

I took a sleeping aide last night and went to bed at 8:00.  I woke up at 8:00 this morning.  I woke up a few times during the night but went right back to sleep.  Those sleeping aides are a miracle for me.  Wish I could take them more than once a week.  It feels so good to get deep sleep.

I met some friends in Cottonwood Falls for lunch today.  Always a fun time with this group of friends and it got me out of the house.  I was amazed at how much the snow melted while we were having lunch.  The sun came out and warmed things up and the snow almost disappeared.

We got about 2 -3 inches of snow overnight.  The prairie was beautiful this morning when I got up.  I like snow like this – here one minute and gone the next.  I still have snow in places the sun didn’t reach but for the most part it is gone this evening.

The wind was in a big hurry this afternoon.  Maybe it was blowing this storm system out of here.  I’m glad it finally calmed down as the sound of the wind was starting to wear me down.

I haven’t gotten much done today.  The down side of taking a sleeping aide is the next day I am hungover and feel like I am in a fog.  I sure could have taken a nap this afternoon but made myself stay awake so I have a better chance of sleeping all night.

Got downstairs and rode the bike for 30 minutes yesterday.  Haven’t made it downstairs yet today to ride.  Maybe before I take my bath I will get down there but wouldn’t take a bet on it.  Not motivated to do anything today.

I researched distilled water and sure enough there is a national shortage of it.  Something about increased demand and shortage of plastic for the jugs.  It is crazy what supply and demand is doing these days.

I went to Amazon and found the metal clips I needed to replace the one I lost when I was painting the bookcase.  I thought they were called brackets but they are called metal clips.  It is hard to order something when you don’t know the proper name of it.  I found it by accident but was grateful I did.  It is too cold to go shopping to find one in the stores.  Did you know I don’t like cold weather?

We are in for a stretch of colder days and nights.  It is to warm up some the next two days but the ten day forecast calls for highs in the mid to upper 20’s most of the next ten days.  Yuck!  Winter can go away and let spring come early.  The good thing is that it is almost February.  It feels to me like Spring is just around the corner when we get to February.  I know if it snows a lot this time a year it won’t be around long.  Come on spring!

Nothing on my calendar for the rest of the week.  Not sure what I am going to do with myself.  I don’t have anything urgent on my to-do list and the house is reasonably clean.  One of these days I want to go to Costco and stock up on a few things.  I don’t mind driving in the cold as long as the roads are dry and there is no chance for snow or sleet.  Maybe I will get that done later this week.

Haven’t heard from the guttering guys.  I was told they would be out early this week.  Not sure what the temperature has to be for them to work.  Maybe it has to be above freezing.  I spoke to the owner of the business last week and he assured me they would make it out when they can.

Waiting on one or two more statements to come in and then I can take my taxes to the accountant.  They are busy doing business tax reports that are due before personal taxes are due so they won’t get to them for a bit.  It feels good to have them in their hands though.  Not sure how I will come out this year since I will be filing single again.  I should be OK as I lost money on the rentals this year.

Feeling a bit restless and lost tonight.  Not sure if I am just tired or if it is a carry over from Monday.  Time has gone very slowly today and it has felt like a long day.  I like productive days better.  Will need to get creative and come up with something to keep myself out of trouble for the next couple of days.

Grateful for friends to have lunch with, grateful for sleeping aides, and grateful for the beautiful snow that came and went so quickly.

This has felt like a long day to me.  I had trouble finding sleep last night and woke up feeling cranky.

I took the tax computer back to the coordinator of the tax program and then went and got my haircut.  It always feels good to get a haircut.

Stopped at Walmart afterwards and got dog food, kitty litter and some groceries.  Stopped by Sutherland’s to get a bookcase bracket thingy but they didn’t have any of the kind I needed.  I’ll look at Bluestem next time I go to town and see if they have them.  I need to take one of the ones I have with me so I can show it to someone and have them help me find one just like it.

Came home and put all the groceries away.  The UPS man had delivered the carbon monoxide detectors that I had ordered so got those put up.  I tell you, taking them out of the packaging they were in was almost more than I could do.  The drill bit set also came in and it was packaged in a way that made it very hard to open too.  I used a pair of scissors and a knife and got both opened without damage to myself.  I’ll call that a win!

I rode the bike for 30 minutes this afternoon.  My energy level today has been low and 30 minutes felt like all I wanted to push myself today.  I hadn’t ridden at all for the last two days so I will take 30 minutes today.

Did a couple loads of laundry and got that all folded and put away.  Just hasn’t felt like a very productive day and the cranky mood seems to have hung around today.  Good thing most of the time I have been by myself.

Doing therapy wears me out.  The Therapist is easy to talk to and the time with her goes fast but I usually feel very drained for 24 – 48 hours afterwards.  It was a good thing I had a relatively slow day and had lots of down time.

My Therapist told me yesterday that I had received a major shock to my system and that my central nervous system is still recovering.  She warned me I would have days like this and not to let them get me down.  She said it will take lots more time before I am fully recovered and can keep myself full all the time.

It has been cold and cloudy most of the day.  We have gotten a very little bit of light rain this afternoon but not enough to measure yet.  I miss the sunshine and warmer weather.  We may get some snow overnight – we shall see.  I keep looking at radar and so far the system has gone south and most of it has missed us.

Tomorrow I am meeting some friends for lunch in Cottonwood Falls.  That will be good.  I need to remember to stop at Dollar General afterwards to see if they got some distilled water on the truck they are expecting tomorrow morning.  Not sure what the deal is with distilled water but I am having trouble finding it.  Walmart was out of it again today as was Dollar General.

For some reason today the quiet in the house has made me feel a bit restless and not peaceful.  I’m sure a lot of it is due to the lack of sleep I have gotten the last couple of nights.  Think I will take an early bath and then take a sleep aide and hopefully sleep long and hard tonight.

Trusting tomorrow I will be in a better head space and get some housecleaning done.  I haven’t been motivated today to do any.  It seems to wait for me to get to it – sooner or later.  I just find more dirt if it is later rather than sooner.

Grateful for a haircut today, grateful the grocery list was taken care of, and grateful this day is almost over.

I left for Wichita this morning at 9:00 in a freezing fog.  Thankfully the roads were dry and in good shape to drive on.  The fog was thick and I couldn’t go the speed limit due to low visibility.  What I could see of the landscape was beautiful as everything was coated in frost.

When I reached Elmdale the fog started to lift.  It was absolutely beautiful around me for about five minutes and then the sun came out and the frost disappeared.  The rest of the drive was free and clear.

This was my last counseling session unless a bump in the road appears down the road and I need to go back.  I am ever so grateful I found this therapist and she was able to help me identify what was wrong with my marriage, help me understand I could not fix it, and she helped me find the strength to leave my marriage.  She walked me through it all with compassion and skill.  I will be forever in her debt.

I told her today about my need to develop and use a checklist for basic daily, weekly and monthly tasks.  I had fallen so far down the rabbit hole that even daily chores like making my bed, doing the dishes, etc were beyond my ability at the time.  The checklist gave me a structure to follow and helped get me back into the land of reality.  She was impressed I had created a checklist and said it would have been something she would have recommended.  I had lost touch with reality for a bit and the checklist helped pull me back in.

It was good to hear that as I had been a bit concerned about myself and wondering if dementia was setting in.  It really was a scary time for me and difficult for me to think back to and realize how far down the rabbit hole I had fallen.

I also told her about the situation with taxes and me getting overwhelmed and having to back out.  She helped me understand where I am at in my recovery and healing journey and was proud of me for backing out to take care of myself.  She said she anticipates that I will have a few more experiences like that in the future and that is all part of the process.  She encouraged me to take good care of myself in ways that may feel uncomfortable to me as I wean myself away from my co-dependency habits.

I told her about my dream of taking a big trip to celebrate my 70th birthday this year.  She really encouraged me to do so.  It would give me something to plan for and to look forward to.  We will see where that dream goes.

After my therapy session I went to my Aunt’s house and had a nice long visit with her.  We were going to go out to lunch but talked right through lunch time and into the middle of the afternoon.  I finally told her I had to leave as I wanted to get home before dark.  We had a wonderful visit and the time flew by.  I understand how lovely it is to have someone come visit, especially since I live alone again.  My Aunt said she would rather visit than eat.  I took her some Snickerdoodle cookies I had made as a little treat for her.  She said she is the original Cookie Monster and loves cookies!

I stopped at Chipotle and ate and then came home.  I was going to go to Costco but it was getting late and I did want to get home before dark.

The guttering guys didn’t come today – not that I am surprised.  Maybe tomorrow?  Not going to hold my breath for them though.

Tomorrow I have a haircut late morning and then I need to stop and get some groceries.  There is a chance for more snow Tuesday evening so want to lay in some supplies in case.

Wednesday I am meeting some friends for lunch in Cottonwood Falls.  Then the rest of the week I have nothing on my calendar.

The bookcase and desk are set up and finished.  Good to have that project completed.  I like how they turned out and think they add to the great room downstairs.  Now I need to move some books from my bedroom closet to the other bookcase downstairs.  I buy lots of books each Friends of the Library book sale and I have been storing them in my bedroom closet.  It will be good to get them out of my closet and into the bookcase.  That will help make my bedroom closet feel less cluttered.

I’m tired tonight and was glad to get home.  It is good for me to be away for a day but it is ever so good to get back home to my house on the prairie and the silence and peace it offers.

Grateful for a therapist that guided and supported me though a really dark time in my life, grateful for my aunt and the visit we had today, and grateful to be back home on my house on the prairie.

The painter showed up mid-morning and had the rest of the painting job done in about five minutes.  Good to cross that off my pending list.

Phil, my handyman, brought over some things he had picked up from Jim.  Phil had to go to OK and was close to Stillwater so he took some things to Jim that Jim had left behind.  It was sweet of Phil to take those things to Jim and to return some things to me.  Maybe the move is complete now.

I went down this morning and painted the bookcase and set up the desk.  Went down again this afternoon and finished painting the bookcase and set it up.  I managed to get the shelving rack things back on with not too much trouble.  I am missing one of the brackets but am thinking it will show up.

The shelves were too tight to fit back in so had to sand the edges of them down a bit to get them to fit in.  I get ridiculously proud of myself when I figure something like that out and fix it.  It isn’t even a big deal but I needed a win today and sanding down the shelves and getting the rack things back on felt good.

Feels good to have the desk and bookcase project finished.  I still need to put the stuff back on the bookcase but am going to let it dry over night just to make sure it is fully dry.  I like the way they turned out.  The color works nicely and it warms up the room downstairs. These were two pieces that Jim had built and I needed to change the energy of them if they were going to stay in the house.

I did 65 minutes on the bike last night.  I think I am going to skip today.  I haven’t taken a full day off since I started riding and it feels like a good thing to skip once in a while.  I have a perfectionist tendency and I need to give myself permission to not do something 100% all the time.  At least that is the excuse I am using today!

We got one to two inches of snow overnight.  The prairie was beautiful with the snow sparkling in the sunlight this afternoon.  I didn’t step foot outside to enjoy it but looked out my windows several times.  The silly dogs were having a great time playing in the snow.  They love cold weather.

Tomorrow I go see my Therapist and then am going to my Aunt’s house and taking her out to lunch.  I may stop at Costco before I come home although I may be too tired to do so.  We will see how the day goes and what time I can get away from my Aunt.  I don’t have an urgent need to stop at Costco and could run back to Wichita another day in a week or so.

Tuesday I am getting my haircut and then I need to stop and buy groceries before I come back home.  Then the rest of the week is free and clear.  I’ll need to find something by the end of the week to do so I get out of the house and engage with people.  When I go more than three days without talking to someone I starts to feel isolated.

Sleep was very hard to find last night.  I finally took a second bath and was able to get two or three hours of sleep after that.  Sure wish I knew what the answer was in finding sleep some nights.  I only allow myself to take a sleeping aide once a week at most.  They can become addictive and I don’t need that.  They also become less effective if I take them more than weekly.  Guess I will continue to sleep long and hard once a week and call it good.

The guttering guy is to come this week and fix the broken guttering on the front porch.  Not going to place bets as to if he shows up but one can always hope.  I don’t like projects that seem to drag on and on  due to someone not doing their part.  It will get done when it gets done.  Hopefully, before the spring rains come and the broken guttering causes water issues.

We have a good chance of getting more snow Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning.  I’m grateful that there is none in the forecast for tomorrow or Tuesday morning.  Maybe I will get both trips in before more winter weather comes.

Have been thinking about chickens lately.  Still haven’t decided if I am going to replace my flock or not.  It sure has been nice not to have to go down there in this slick, wet, and cold weather.  I miss seeing the girls in the yard though.  With eggs the price they are, I should replace them but who knows what egg prices will do in six months.  It is too cold to mail order them right now so will have to wait till late February or March before I can get some anyways.  If I get them in early March I won’t have eggs until July.  We will see what I decide to do.

Starting to think about taking a big trip later this year.  I need a reason to continue riding the bike and taking a trip would give me a goal to aim for.  I have a couple places that I am looking at.  I would love to take the train inland in Alaska, a train trip across Canada sounds wonderful,  I saw a train trip through Scotland that looks fabulous, and I would love to do a hiking tour in Ireland.  I’ll keep looking and see which one captures my attention the most.  Still not 100% sure I am ready to travel again but it feels good to be at least considering it.

It has been a while since I envisioned something fun for the future.  I was busy surviving for a bit and lost that in me.  I have been awakening myself and dreaming and making plans for the future is starting to come back into focus.  I turn 70 this year and a big trip to celebrate that sounds exciting to me.

Grateful the bookcase and desk project is finished, grateful the painter came today and finished that project, and grateful for dreams for the future.

 

I went down and road the bike for 60 minutes last night.  Yay!  I went a whole hour.  It went fast and felt fairly easy.  I finished the book I was reading just at the end of the ride.

I got out my power screwdriver to remove the screws that hold the bookcase shelving units.  Discovered that I didn’t have any bits for the screwdriver.  I got a Philips screwdriver and did it the old fashioned way.  I was afraid the screws were going to be too tight for me to remove but I was able to get them all off.  I still need to paint the bookcase but that part is done.  Trusting I will be able to get it back together again when I am done painting – we will see.  I ordered a bit set from Amazon so I will have some next time I want to use my power drill.

I didn’t sleep well last night as I had taken too long of a nap Friday afternoon.  I did manage to get more sleep than I expected I would though.

I cleaned the laundry room today, change the cat litter out, and hand washed the floor.  Hard to bring clean clothes out of a dirty laundry room.  It had been a while since it had been cleaned thoroughly.  It will make doing laundry almost fun again.

Took the sheets off my bed, washed them and got it made back up again.  If I was in a position to do so, I would put fresh sheets on my bed everyday.  I love getting in a freshly made up bed.  Guess if I did it everyday I would not enjoy it as much as I do when I make it up weekly.

I went to lunch with a friend today.  We ate at the Grand in Cottonwood Falls.  We walked over to Prairie PastTimes afterwards and looked around.  There are some beautiful, hand-made items in that store.  It is fun to look at what is new.

It was nice to have a long visit with my friend.  I hadn’t talked face-to-face with anyone since Tuesday.  Did my soul good to get out and have a nice visit.

I rode the bike for 65 minutes today.  I started a new book and it seems to be a good one so the time went by quickly again.  It didn’t feel as easy today as yesterday but I stuck with it and got through it.

I haven’t gotten any painting done today but still may go down and do some this evening.  If not, I will get to it tomorrow.  The desk just needs one more coat on the top of it and it will be done.  The bookcase has quite a bit left to do on it but it shouldn’t take me long to do it once I get started.  Sometimes my starter doesn’t work and I don’t get to things like I want.

My painter did not show up today and did not call to let me know he wasn’t coming.  Can’t say I am surprised.  How does a person stay in business when they don’t deliver what they say they are going to do.  I’ll have to text him again next week and nag him until he gets out here.

It has lightly rained most of the afternoon.  Luckily the temperature has stayed above freezing so it isn’t coming down as ice.  We need the moisture but I don’t think we are getting much.  It is to get cold tonight so the roads will ice over as they are wet.  Good thing I don’t have anywhere to go tomorrow and can stay home where it is warm and dry.  Trusting it will be warm and dry when I go to Wichita on Monday.

Today has felt like a productive day.  I needed one of those after the last coupe of days.  Good to get some things crossed off my to-do list and it is nice to have at least one really clean room in my house.  Somedays I can’t see evidence of anything I did during the day so I appreciate the days that I can.

Ellie, one of my cats, has been driving me crazy lately.  She claws at the back door to let me know she wants to come inside.  I open the door to let her in and she walks by without coming in.  Or if she comes in, she wants back out two minutes later.  I told her today I was tired of her games but not sure she has conceded yet.

Nothing on my calendar for tomorrow except for riding my bike and painting.  I’m getting tired of this painting job so hoping I can get after it in the morning and get it wrapped up tomorrow afternoon.  It is taking two coats so will put one on in the morning and the other in the afternoon.  Not sure if I have to turn the bookcase on edge, if so it will take another day to finish it up.

Grateful for lunch with a friend, grateful the laundry room is clean, and grateful for the moisture that is falling on the prairie.

I took a sleeping aide last night and slept long and hard.  I was overdue for a long night’s sleep.  Woke up feeling rested and restored for the first time in a long time.  I did have a bit of a hangover from the sleeping aide though.

My lunch date had to back out as she needed to do something with her husband.  Totally understood and am grateful she took care of a priority that came up.  Teaches me how to do the same if needed in the future.  We are going to try again tomorrow if the weather stays nice.  We have a bit of a winter storm headed our way and am not sure when it is to hit.

I drove into Emporia to go to Walmart to get some distilled water.  They were out of it.  I went to Dollar General and got some, stopped at Flying J and filled my car up with gas and came home.  If I had known Walmart was out I would have gone to Dollar General in Cottonwood Falls.  Oh well, it was a pretty day for a short drive.

Fell asleep in my chair this afternoon.  The sun was shining on the prairie and I made the mistake of wrapping myself in a soft, warm blanket.  I woke up two hours later.  I hadn’t taken a nap day in a long time.

I haven’t gotten downstairs to paint or to ride my bike yet.  I managed to go 30 minutes yesterday.  I am counting that as a win as I really didn’t think I would get a ride in yesterday.  It was a hard day.

Today has been easier for me.  Things feel more possible today.  I haven’t talked to anyone for three days except for a brief phone call with my lunch date this morning.  Maybe tomorrow I will get out and find someone to talk to.

Still grateful I backed out of doing taxes.  I almost got out the tax computer and attempted the second set of problems.  Not that I would do taxes this year but to prove to myself I can do this and pass the damn test.  Decided I didn’t need to prove anything to myself so didn’t do it.  Failing a tax test doesn’t make me stupid, although that is how I felt Wednesday.  I wasn’t set up for success and failed.

I need to remove the metal rods that hold the shelf brackets on the bookcase that I am painting.  Am a bit afraid that I won’t be able to get them off and then back on correctly.  Guess I will give it a go and see what happens.  I can always have Phil, my handyman, come rescue me if needed.

My painter is to come tomorrow to finish the last five minutes of the project he did in December.  Wonder if I should take bets it he shows up or not.  He is a great painter but not reliable.

The sunset was a beauty tonight.  I call it a Plain Jane one as there were no clouds.  The best part of a Plain Jane sunset is the 360 degree rim around the horizon.  Hard to know what direction to look when that happens as there is beauty all around me.

I go see my Therapist Monday.  I am making a list of things to discuss with her.  This will probably be my last visit unless things come up down the road and I need her help again.  She was a lifesaver for me and I so appreciate the way she handled our conversations and the advice she gave me.  I couldn’t have done this whole thing without her help.

After I see the Therapist, I am meeting my Aunt and taking her out to lunch.  We will have a fun visit.  Mom has two sisters left and I love them both very much.  Spending time with either of them is almost like getting to visit with my mom again.  Both of my Aunts love to talk so I just get to listen.  It will make the trip to Wichita more rewarding for me.

Tuesday I have an appointment to get my hair cut.  I always enjoy the conversation I have with my barber.  A haircut always makes me feel better about myself too.  I will stop and get some groceries afterwards and get stocked back up on the regular stuff I eat.  I also need to get some dog food.

Still wrapping my head around my future.  The divorce changed what I thought my future was going to look like.  I can’t quite seem to be able to start envisioning a different path for myself yet.  I still have some healing and recovery work to do before I can start allowing a new path to come in.  I’m still climbing out of the rabbit hole I fell into during my marriage.  I am making progress but this week made me realize I still have a ways to go.  Taking each day one at a time and allowing myself extra grace right now.  No decisions need to be made urgently and I have nothing but time to let things unfold.  Things always work out better for me when I don’t push or pull and can allow them to unfold in a natural way.

Grateful for afternoon naps, grateful for sleep aides, and grateful for the beauty of a Plain Jane sunset.

Happy birthday to my grandson Tagen.  He turns 17 today!  Where does the time go?  He has grown into  a polite, generous, and kind man.  He has a tender heart of gold.  So grateful he is part of my life.

This has been a teary day.  I think I was overdue for one.  I have been climbing out of the rabbit hole I had fallen into while I was married.  The climb has been fast and furious.  I think I needed to slow down and let the grief from the divorce catch up to me today.  I need to allow myself to feel sadness and anger so it can be released.  I have finally learned that when I don’t allow my emotions to be what they are, I will pay a price – sometimes it is a physical price and sometimes it is an emotional one.  Either way, it is better for me to allow my emotions to be what they are and not stuff them.  I am grateful I didn’t break my eating plan and try to eat my feelings.  That is progress!

The coordinator of the tax program called me today to tell me she had a work around my failing the tax test.  I had to tell her I still couldn’t proceed with doing taxes this year.  I feel very vulnerable right now and know that my patience and brain bandwidth levels are low.  I just don’t have the energy to give to the tax program this year.

I surprised myself a bit when I struggled so hard yesterday figuring out how to do the test problems.  It has been three years since I did taxes.  The knowledge base I had before was a bit hard to access.  I was frustrated that they were testing us over cases that I doubt that I will see doing taxes.  I needed a refresher on the basics first and that wasn’t provided.

I am grateful I was able to recognize that the stress I was putting myself through was not good for me and I was able to back out.  That wasn’t easy for me as once I give my word I usually don’t back out.  But, I could tell if I powered through and did taxes it would cost me emotionally and physically.  It felt good to listen to my body and honor what it needed.  Maybe I am starting to break the bonds of my co-dependency issue.

I put a first coat on the underside and legs of the desk this morning.  I’ll go down in a bit and put the second coat on.  I also painted the top of the bookcase so I could see the color under the mural where the bookcase will sit.  The color works well with the mural.  Having these two pieces painted will warm up the room downstairs.  Painting furniture is very different than painting walls.  I like painting walls better.

I haven’t ridden my bike yet today and I may give myself a pass on doing so today.  I have a touch of a headache from crying and I may go lay down and take a nap instead.  I need to put myself in time-out and let my emotions level out a bit today.  I feel a bit beaten up and broken today but I know if I allow that feeling to be I will climb up by tomorrow and all will be well again.

The wind has been in a big hurry most of the day.  Somedays I love the sound of the wind across the prairie and somedays I want to scream at the sound of it and make it go away.  The wind has been an irritation to me today but I think most anything has been today.

Just one of those days.  These days do have a blessing in them as they allow me to release my emotions.  They certainly are not my favorite days or fun by any means.  But they do serve their purpose and I will be better for it tomorrow,

Grateful to understand what is happening to me today, grateful I was able to say no to doing taxes, and grateful the sun is shining this afternoon and warming my soul.

It has been an interesting day on the prairie today.  I woke up to rain falling this morning which is a wonderful thing.  We are very dry and every drop of rain is welcomed and needed.  It made for a cloudy, wet, cold morning though.  The sun came out this afternoon and brightened the day.

I worked on taking tax tests all day.  I failed the first test and then failed the second test.  You only get two tries and then you have to do new problems and test again.  It took for a couple of hours to do the first set of problems.  I didn’t have it in me to work another set of problems.  I sent an email to the coordinator and told her I am going to back out of doing taxes this year.

I have found that since the end of September, when things started falling apart for me, my patience level is mighty low.  I am still refilling myself and running a bit low on tolerance and patience.  I know I could have plowed through and made this work but I am big into self-care right now and pushing through didn’t feel like how I wanted to treat myself.  I decided to treat myself gently and offer myself some grace and back out of doing taxes this year.  I need more down time to recover.  I am actively attempting to remove stress from my life right now and doing taxes was adding stress.

I was looking forward to having something on my calendar for the next couple of months but I’m sure I will find something else to do that is less stressful.  Maybe I will just sit in the empty space and continue to refill myself.   Going to training class on Tuesday exhausted me.  I’m spending so much time home alone that when I am around more than one or two people I get drained quickly.  I need to ease myself back into the land of the living.

I did 50 minutes on the bike today.  I worked up a sweat and had to take my sweaters off.  It felt good to go for the whole 50 minutes though.  My legs were a bit wobbly when I walked up the stairs afterwards but that is a good thing.  That means I am working them hard.  I’ll add 5 more minutes tomorrow and again on Friday.  Wow!  I will be doing an hour on the bike.  I can’t believe I am back up to that.  I started at 6 minutes a couple weeks ago.  Progress!

Still need to get downstairs and do some painting.  I’m tired this afternoon so painting may wait until tomorrow.  There is no rush to get that project done and the painting is harder than just painting a wall.  I don’t like to do things like that when I am tired.  I may go down and sand as that is not as detailed.  I may just sit and do nothing but read a book.  My brain is a bit fried from working and failing on the taxes today.

Yesterday I wrote that I doubted that I talked to anyone the rest of the day.  I had two great phone calls last night – one from my son and the other from one of my Aunts.  It was good to talk to both of them.  Today my daughter Nicole called.  I have on my daily checklist to talk to someone each day.  Some days I can initiate a call and some days I just don’t have it in me to do so.  Grateful that others call me so I can cross off that task from my list.  I am aware that it isn’t mentally healthy for me to go several days without talking to someone.  Doing my best to not let that happen with the reminder on my checklist to reach out if no one has called me.  Most days I am able to find someone to talk to but somedays that seems like too big of a mountain to climb.

I feel like I have been in a bit of a fog most of the day.  I discovered I took my morning pills twice today as I forgot what day of the week it was.  I don’t seem to have much of a short-term memory today.  Some days are like that I guess.  This has happened before so I’m not worried something is wrong.  I was worked up about the stress of taking the tax tests and frustrated with the whole process.  My brain bandwidth seems to have shrunk a bit lately and can’t handle stress right now.  I think it is a good thing I backed out.  I need more quiet, recovery time.

Grateful I was able to back out of doing taxes, grateful for the phone calls I received yesterday and today, and grateful for the rain that fell on the prairie today.

 

 

It has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t talked to anyone yet today and doubt that I do.  The quiet feels peaceful to my soul today.

I did four training modules that I needed to get done by tomorrow evening’s tax prep class.  I still need to do some more work but am struggling to figure out where to find what I need so I can do it.  There are five different sites we use for the training process.  All five take different passwords and user names in addition to the user name you use to open the Chromebook.  Wonder if they can make this any more difficult?  It took me almost an hour to figure out how to open one of the sites.  By then, I was over it and couldn’t do the homework.  I forgot how challenging the training part of doing taxes is.  It is much harder than the actual taxes themselves.  Not sure why they train us on things we won’t encounter.

I’ll try again tomorrow morning to get through the next set of modules that I am to have done before class tomorrow night.  I think I can, I think I can.  Maybe tomorrow it will go easier for me.

I sanded the top of the desk and put the first coat of paint on it to see if I like the color.  I wish I had gotten the darker shade but what I got will work.  I’m not sure what I am doing with sanding as I haven’t done that before.  Don’t know if I should sand a bit more or if what I am doing is enough.  I will continue how I did the top and see what the outcome is.  I need to sand the legs and then paint those and then I will do the bookcase.

I did 45 minutes on the bike today.  It was a bit more of a struggle but I powered through.  The book I started is a good one and that helps distract me from the challenge of the hard cycle on the bike.  The time seemed to go fairly fast today but my legs got a bit tired towards the end.  That is a good thing, I think.  Means I am working them hard.

I listened to a video on Co-Dependencies this afternoon.  They listed 13 traits that co-dependent people have.  I was pleased to see that many of the things I used to do but no longer do.  It makes so much sense to me now why these traits were present in me.  The self-work I have done has helped me grow.  I still have a few traits that were on the list that I will continue to be aware of and change my relationship with.  I love discovering things about myself that I was blind to before.  The biggest hurdle to creating change within myself is seeing what needs to be changed.

Tomorrow I go back for more tax training in Emporia at 5:15.  Hoping it only lasts an hour or so this time so I can get home and have dinner before 7:00.  I don’t like to eat that late but eating before I go to training is too early.  Last night I didn’t get home until after 8:00.

Grateful to learn new traits about myself, grateful for the self-discovery that has already happened, and grateful half of my tax homework is done.

 

This morning a dear friend came over to pick something up.  She had some time so we had a nice visit for a bit.  It was good to break my three day fast of not talking to anyone.

This afternoon I went to Emporia to pick up a gallon of paint and some sand paper so I can work on sanding and then painting two pieces of furniture this week.  I’m anxious to get some paint on it to make sure the color will work.

I went to my first tax prep training.  It took us a bit to figure out passwords so we could get on the internet.  Once we figured that out, we had to figure out the various passwords for the various sites we use to take tests, play with doing taxes, and other things we have to do.  Each site requires a different password and some have different user names.  Can they make it any more confusing?  Training took over two hours due to the glitches in getting proper access.

I stopped at Walmart afterwards and picked up a few groceries.  They are out of distilled water again.  Darn!  I still struggle with these ongoing shortages.

I have a free day of sorts tomorrow.  I have several homework lessons and tests I have to do for tax prep.  We have more training session Wednesday and Thursday evenings.  Found out we start doing taxes February 6.  We will do them at the Senior Center from 9:00 to noon on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then at the Credit Union on Monday and Wednesday evenings from 5:00 – 8:00.  Not sure what my schedule will be but most weeks I could work most of the sessions.  I don’t like going to town twice a day but if needed I will do so.

If you live in the Emporia area and want your taxes done for free, call the Emporia Senior Center and book an appointment.  They will start taking appointments towards the end of January.  You have to call between 9:00 and 1:00 Monday through Friday.  Although this is a program for senior citizens, we do taxes for all age groups.  We don’t have lots of volunteers this year so the slots will fill up fast as we will be limited to how many we can do each day.

I did 40 minutes on the bike this afternoon before I went to Emporia.  I finished reading the book I had started earlier.  It was another good book and it sure helps the time on the bike go fast when I read and bike.  I am amazed that I was able to do 40 minutes.  When I started two weeks ago I did 6 minutes and about died.  My stamina is building quickly.  By the end of the week I will be at my goal of doing an hour a day.  Not sure if I will just stay at an hour a day or if I will keep increasing my time and intensity on the bike.  I have the time to do longer than an hour a day so why not.

I’ve been back on my eating and exercise plan for 12 days now.  The bloating I had been having is gone and I am feeling much better.  Six more pounds to go to reach my first goal and then I hope to take off eight more after that.  The number on the scale isn’t as important as how I am feeling.  I already can tell I am stronger and have more energy than I have had for a long time.  Trust I will be able to stay on the wagon and get back into shape.  Feels good to be taking better care of myself.  I neglected myself for way too long.

I’m tired tonight.  Being around people tires me out quickly.  I didn’t sleep very well again last night and I was up around 6:00 this morning.  Maybe tonight will be the night I sleep long and hard.

Grateful for friends that come to visit, grateful the first day of tax prep training is over and I passed both tests, and grateful I have been able to stay on my eating and exercise plan for 12 days.

Happy birthday to my brother Chad.  He turns 68 today.  Maybe this will be the year he gets to retire.

This has been another quiet day on the prairie.  This is the third day in a row I haven’t spoken to another person.  So far I am not bored or missing people.  I do have to go to town tomorrow for tax prep training so will break my streak then.

I went 35 minutes on the bike today.  My legs were a big wobbly when I walked upstairs afterwards.  First time that has happened.  May stay at 35 minutes for another day or two before I add more time.  I’ll see how I am feeling tomorrow when I ride.

I had trouble finding sleep last night.  Makes for a long night when that happens.  One of these days I am going to figure out why I can’t sleep.  Miracles do happen – right?

Picked out a paint color for the furniture pieces downstairs that I am going to paint.  I will pick up the paint when I go to town tomorrow and start painting them on Tuesday.

I didn’t paint on the deck today.  It was too windy.  I checked to see at what temperature I could paint at and that part was good but while I was reading about temperature it mentioned wind speed.  Anything over 15 MPH they recommend not painting outdoors as the paint dries too fast.  The wind today has been well above 15 MPH most of the day.  Hard to find a day on this hill when that isn’t the case.

I have felt kinda flat all day today.  Thinking it is because I didn’t get much sleep.  Some things came up for me today emotionally and I spent some time allowing them to run through me.  Feels like I am on the other side of them now which is a good thing.  But it is physically draining when I do that.  Good thing I had a quiet day at home and could allow the feelings to be what they were.  They pass through me much quicker when I can allow them to be and not be in resistance to them.

Not too motivated to do much today.  I am reading a good book and that has helped pass the time today.  Somedays are meant for good books and doing nothing else.  This was one of them!

A week from tomorrow I go back for my last counseling session.  She will be available in the future if I feel I need her again.  Not sure how I thank her for her help through all of this.  It made a world of difference to me to have her advice and support.  Sure wish mental health services were easy and cheap to access for all.  I got lucky finding one that had an opening when I needed it and even luckier to find one as good as she is.

Grateful for my brother Chad, grateful I was able to allow my emotions to run through and out of my body, and grateful for something on my calendar for tomorrow.

 

 

Another quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t spoken to anyone so far today and probably won’t today.  Two days in a row for that.  I had trouble sleeping last night so took half of a sleep aide.  Slept hard after that and slept in until 9:15 this morning.  Still feeling a bit groggy but trying to power through and not take a nap.

It is 50 outside today but the wind is making it feel a bit cooler.  Need to drive down and get the mail when I finish writing.  Also need to feed and water the dogs.  The bit of snow we got Thursday has melted today.  It is to be 58 tomorrow which will be a nice break.  May get to paint outside on the deck tomorrow if the mood strikes.

Rode 30 minutes on the bike today.  It felt a bit harder to me today but thinking that is due to my grogginess.  I don’t have much get up and go today.  Not motivated to do much today.  I’m grateful I found the strength to ride the bike.  Have been sitting and reading today.  Somedays are like that for me and I don’t have anything pressing to do so why not?

If I had remembered earlier I would have gone to town to get a gallon of paint.  I remembered that project when I went downstairs this afternoon to ride my bike.  I want to paint two pieces of furniture that used to be in my office but when I reset the house I moved them downstairs.  They need to be painted to fit in better downstairs and to change the energy of the pieces.  I know what color I want, I just need to get to town to get it.  The paint store is closed tomorrow so will have to wait till Monday to get the paint.  By then, I will need a few groceries.  I have to go to town Monday late afternoon for tax training so will go to town a bit early and get the paint and then stop afterwards for some groceries on my way home.  I don’t have anything on my calendar after Monday so will have plenty of time to get them painted.

I had been searching around trying to find the site where I can do my tax prep testing.  I finally figured it out this morning so will need to get to my desktop computer and see if I can get on the site and start doing the required testing.  I’m not sure if I can log on or not.  The site got all confused when I moved from the Emporia site to the Stillwater site.  I think they have me in the correct site now but will have to see.  Each year you have to do testing to refresh your skills.  Since we have had a two-year break it will almost be like starting from scratch.  We will see how much the system has changed and how much I remember.

I will find out more at the training meeting Monday night.  I am thinking it is the first of several training meetings but not for sure.  If I remember correctly, we had several training sessions before so everyone could pass all the required tests.

I let the grandfather clock wind down and it stopped.  When I restarted it, it got an hour off.  I will either have to rewind it back 11 hours or stop it and remember to start it on the right hour.  May need to add the task of winding it to my weekly checklist.  My brain is still trying to unscramble itself from the trauma it went through over the last year.  I find it fascinating to observe how my brain works – or doesn’t work as I came to expect it to.

Somedays like yesterday I think so clearly and everything I do is easy and I feel very efficient.  Days like today nothing feels easy and I feel slow and like everything I do is an effort.  Part of it today is the side effects of the sleeping aide but I have days like this when I haven’t taken a sleeping aide.  Guess that is what life is though.  You gotta have the easy days and the hard days.  How would you know cold if you didn’t know hot?  How would I know an easy day if I didn’t have a hard day?  Balance is the name of the game for me right now.  I have learned if I accept what is and hot resist it, it can change easier for me.  Today is what it is an going with it and not resisting it makes it pass easier for e.

Grateful I was able to ride the bike for 30 minutes, grateful for the warmer weather today, and grateful for the sleep I was able to get last night.

 

This has been a very quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t spoken to anyone so far today.  The sun is shining this afternoon after a foggy, cold start to the day.  It is only 33 out today but is to warm up to 47 tomorrow.

I got my tax prep work done.  Still need some tax forms to get here before I can make my appointment with my tax preparer but it feels good to know they will be ready to take in when the forms arrive the end of the month.  Three of the rentals had a good year, one had a terrible year with a big loss and the other one did so so.  I had to do some major work to the one that had the big loss.  It helps at tax time but hard from a cash flow perspective.

I did 25 minutes on the bike today and finished reading the book I have been reading this week.  It was the type of book that you hate to have come to the end as it was interesting and I would have liked to know more of the story.  I’ll start a new book when I take my bath later tonight.

I washed the sheets on my bed and cleaned the two upstairs bathrooms and then wrote my sister a long email.  It feels like it has been a productive day on the prairie today.  I like days like this when I get to stay home and get to cross some things off my to-do list.

I have been using distilled water in my humidifiers to eliminate the white film that my hard tap water leaves behind.  I am filling up my recycling quickly with the empty plastic containers.  I remembered that last year my neighbor was looking for plastic gallon jugs to put around her tomatoes.  I sent her a message and she will gladly take two dozen of them off my hands.  I like seeing things reused instead of being recycled so will save her some.  It won’t take long as I go through two gallons a day.  If anyone else needs some, let me know and I will be happy to save you some too.

No plans for the week-end.  I will need to find some excuse to get out of the house as too many days home alone without conversation with another person is not good for me.  I don’t have anything on my grocery list so don’t need to go to town for that.  Maybe I will kidnap one of the grandkids and have them come out for a day this weekend.

The weather is to warm up on Sunday and if it doesn’t rain I may try to paint the deck boards that were replaced by my handyman in December.  I don’t like seeing raw wood on the deck railing.  I think the wood needs to be protected by the deck paint.  Not my favorite type of painting but it needs to be done.  Later this spring I will need to repaint the whole deck.  The last paint I used didn’t hold up and all three decks need redone.  That will keep me busy for a month or more.  May need to have a painting party and get some help with that project.

My word for the year is balance.  It is important that I balance days like today where I stay home and am quiet all days with days that I interact with others and have conversation.  I get drained if I don’t keep myself in balance between the two types of days.  Empty space days recharge me but once I am full I need to socialize for my emotional health.  I will be more engaged with the outside world when I start doing taxes in February.

Grateful my tax prep work is completed, grateful for empty space days, and grateful I found a home for some of the empty distilled water containers.

It has been a busy, long day for me.  I woke up many times last night.  I think it was the sound of the wind that kept waking me up.  I knew I had to drive into Emporia this morning and I was worried about the storm that was raging outside.

I finally got up at 5:30.  We only got a light dusting of snow but there was some ice underneath it.  I left for Emporia at 6:15 so I could drive slow on the highway if needed.  The road was not bad although there was some dark ice in places.

I stopped and got the kids breakfast and then went to Michelle’s house.  The kids were both awake and moving.  They ate breakfast while they got dressed and then I took them to school.  Patience is the name of the game when you drop off a middle schooler and a high schooler.  Traffic is terrible – especially on icy days.

After I dropped the kids off I went to the hospital and picked up Tim.  He was almost ready to get discharged when I got there.  I took him home and then I came home.

I rode my bike for 20 minutes today.  My legs are already getting stronger.  I will continue to increase the time daily until I am up to at least 60 minutes at a time.  May go even more as I have time.  When I was training to walk the Camino I rode the bike four hours a day.  Not sure I need to go that long but we will see what I do.  I love to read while I bike and the time goes by fast.

Worked on my taxes today.  Feels good to have that project started.  I had to go back to town this afternoon to pick the kids up from school so while I was in town I stopped and got the rest of the rental statements from my business partner.  I also picked up a prescription and ran a couple of other errands.  I picked the kids up and dropped them at their house and then came back home.

Tonight may be a very early bedtime as I didn’t sleep well last night and got up so early.  Good thing the sun goes down early – I may go to bed when the sun does.

Feeling stronger each and everyday.  Things have calmed down from all the chaos of the last three months.  I am remembering who I am and where my boundaries are.  Eating on plan and exercising is helping me feel physically stronger too.  It feels so good to be back on track and taking care of myself.

Grateful to see the grandkids today, grateful for a safe trip to town this morning on icy roads, and grateful to be recovering from all the stress and trauma of last year.

It has been a full day today.  I was in town by 8:00 this morning.  I stopped and picked up another gallon of paint for the safe room and then I went to iHop to meet a high school classmate for breakfast.  We always have a good time visiting together.

After breakfast I came home and finished painting the ceiling, walls and floor of the safe room.  I dislike painting a ceiling so was grateful when that job was done.  I managed to not get too much paint on me in the process but did have to scrap my glasses and watch to get the paint splatters off.

The safe room looks much nicer and cleaner.  It may need a second coat but not sure it is worth doing.  No one goes in there unless there is a storm and then the power usually goes out so no one would notice.  If I get bored I’ll go down and touch it up a bit but may just let it be good enough as it is.

I managed to get a bookcase that had been in the safe room pushed into the coffee room downstairs.  Now I need to move a huge pile of books out of my bedroom closet to put on the two empty bookcases downstairs.  That will free up my closet and give it some breathing room.

Three friends came over this afternoon and we celebrated Winter Solstice.  We had a beautiful time together and I felt so loved and supported afterwards.  I trust the others left feeling the same.  It is a beautiful thing to have a group of women that you can trust your inner most feelings and thoughts with.  We remarked at the end how similar we all are and we share the same struggles.  We also reminded each other that struggles are OK and a good thing.  When you have nothing left to struggle with, your life adventure is over and none of us are ready for that yet.

I rode the bike for 18 minutes today.  I read a book while I do it and time goes by quickly.  Grateful to be back in the saddle again and working my way up to riding the bike for at least an hour a day.  I really do feel better when I exercise each day.

Tomorrow morning Michelle needs some help getting kids to school and getting them picked up afterwards so I will be going to Emporia early tomorrow morning.  I’m tired tonight so will go to bed early so I can be on the road around 6:30.  Tim is having a procedure done and Michelle has a full day at work and had three places to be at once.  Grateful I am free and can help out a bit.

We have a chance for some wintery mix tonight overnight.  Trusting the roads will be dry and safe in the morning.

Nothing on my calendar for Friday or the weekend.  While I am in town tomorrow I might try to get my hands on the rental house statements I need from my business partner and then I can work on tax prep this weekend.  It will be a couple of weeks before all the bank forms, etc. come in but the rental houses information takes the longest for me to put together.  It is always a relief when I have that task done for the year.  Since I have a quiet weekend ahead that might be a good time to get that task done.

Striving to find balance in my life in many areas.  Balance in eating, exercise, work, play, and balance in my mental and spiritual practices.  It sounds simple but I am finding it isn’t as easy as I would like it to be.  My habit is to be all in or all out.  That isn’t a balanced approach so I am working to break a life-long habit.  Changing a life-long habit takes a lot of energy and though and awareness.  Somedays are easier than others.  Overall I am making progress though.  I keep reminding myself perfection is not required or desired.

Grateful for friends that support and love me, grateful the painting project is completed, and grateful for personal insights and growth.

I got sleep last night although it came in short segments all night long.  I’m grateful I was able to sleep any at all after sleeping most of the day yesterday.  I woke up feeling rested  and more like myself.

I went to Emporia this morning to get a new trash can.  While I was at the hardware store I remembered I needed some paint so I can paint the safe room.  The safe room has concrete ceiling, walls and floors.  A couple years ago when the basement got water in it I had developed a mold problem in the safe room.  A guy came and treated it and then I painted the walls with Kilz paint and never did put other paint over it.  I got some paint today and got most of it painted.  I ran out of paint so will need to pick up another gallon when I go to town in the morning.  Felt good to have a project to do today.  I’m pleased with how the room is looking painted.  I’m doing the ceiling, walls and floor all in the same shade of gray.  Makes painting easy when you don’t have to cut a line.  I have to paint the ceiling tomorrow and am not looking forward to that.

I went to visit a friend this afternoon.  My friend had a group of six women over for happy hour.  It does me good to get out and visit with others but it feels so good to be back home in my quiet space afterwards.  Since I was in Cottonwood Falls, I took and dumped recycling and picked up more distilled water from Dollar General.  I checked at Walgreens today but they are out of distilled water.  Walmart is still out of it too.  Not sure what is causing the shortage of distilled water.  Grateful to have found it at Dollar General.

Tomorrow I am meeting a high school classmate for breakfast in Emporia.  I will stop and get the paint I need to finish the safe room while I am in town.  Tomorrow afternoon a group of us are gathering at my house to finally celebrate Solstice.  Our celebration got delayed due to weather in December and then a funeral last week delayed us again.  Oh well, better late than never.

I rode the bike for 15 minutes today.  I read a book while I am on the bike and the time goes by quickly.  It feels so good to be back exercising and eating on plan.  I really do feel better when those two things happen regularly and am never sure why I quit doing them.  My checklist is really helping me stay focused and I am taking better care of myself than I have for a long time.

I don’t have anything else on my calendar for several days after tomorrow.  Not sure what I will find to do with myself.  I like projects but am struggling to find one to do.  I do need to start working on tax preparation for my 2022 taxes.  Maybe I can get that started Thursday  I’m glad I will have taxes to do coming up soon as that will give me something to do several times a week.

Grateful to be back on eating and exercise plan, grateful most of the safe room got painted today, and grateful for friends to visit with.

 

 

I had trouble sleeping last night so finally got up and took a hot bath number 2 for the night.  Then I took a sleeping aid pill.  I finally fell asleep and slept long and hard.  I didn’t get up until almost noon today.  I ate breakfast, put a load of laundry in the washer and then fell asleep in my chair and slept some more.

This evening I am a bit disoriented and foggy.  I finally had lunch at 6:00 – or maybe that was dinner?  Still having trouble waking up and getting out of my chair to do anything.  Guess I will chalk this day up as a crash and burn day and continue doing nothing.  Wonder if I will sleep tonight?

Grateful for the sleep, grateful I had nothing on my calendar for the day, and grateful I had the luxury of taking a do nothing day.

This has been a rest and recovery day for me.  I finally got all the dishes ran through the dishwasher and the kitchen restored to normal.  Did a couple loads of laundry and mopped the kitchen floor.

A friend came over this morning and we had a nice visit.  She is going through a situation similar to mine although hers is a bit more complicated.  Maybe what I went through will be able to let me help others.  So grateful I am on the other side of things now.

I called Verizon to get their help in getting my new Apple Watch working.  Their automatic phone system is a mess.  It took four calls before I could get through to get connected to a person.  I attempted to use their call back feature but I couldn’t get it to work.  I finally talked to someone who did some troubleshooting but couldn’t resolve the issue.  She transferred me to someone else.  That person had me hang up and she called me back.  At that point I had been on the line for 45 minutes.  I was afraid she wouldn’t call back but she did.  I had to hang up and she called me back four times until my watch finally started working.  The whole process took over 1 1/2 hours.  Not impressed Verizon!

I changed the batteries in all the smoke detectors in the house today.  I still need to do the one in the garage and then that project can be crossed off my to-do list.

I had to write out a chart of things that I need to do daily, weekly and monthly for myself.  I seemed to have a bit of a scattered brain and was struggling to remember to do routine things.  This is my third day using the checklist and am finding it helpful.  I have even gotten back to riding my bike.  I started with 6 minutes and am adding a minute a day.  Feels good to be back in the saddle again with exercise and with my eating plan.  Evidently the trauma of what I have been through for the last six months was greater than I realized as I had stopped some of my daily self-care routines and hadn’t even realized it.

I cleaned out my pantry today and found a bunch of food items that were out dated and a bunch that I will never use.  Feels good to have more space in the pantry and know that what I do have is useable.

I went to the Dollar General store in Cottonwood Falls and got more distilled water for my humidifiers.  I need to price shop for distilled water next time I am in Emporia.  I don’t like spending what I am spending weekly on distilled water.  Hoping I can find it cheaper somewhere else.

I’m still basking in the love from yesterday.  It was one of the better Christmas gatherings we have had.  I so enjoyed it and trust the kids did too.  I’ll have to plan another family day sometime soon and get them all back together again.

I need to go to Cottonwood Falls tomorrow or Tuesday and dump my recycling.    I sure seem to find lots of things to recycle.  I should have taken it today when I went but I didn’t think about it.

Feeling stronger and more like myself each and everyday.  It is going to take me some time to totally recover from the trauma of the last couple of years.  This down time with not much on my calendar and lots of empty space is good for me right now.  I’m still feeling a bit fragile and get easily overwhelmed with life.  But I feel like I have made lots of progress these last two months and am on the right path to healing and growing.

Grateful my watch is working correctly, grateful a friend trusted me to share her journey with me, and grateful I am back on track in caring for myself.

 

Christmas is finally over.  The kids all came home this afternoon and we had our family Christmas.  We all watched the Chiefs game, ate soup and snacked on Christmas cookies and candies.  It was fun for me to watch the kids interact with each other and enjoy themselves.

We don’t do the present thing except for the little ones.  The adults do a white elephant exchange which is fun.  This year I gave each of my kids a family heirloom.  Jason got my dad’s pocket watch, Michelle got the wooden horse that belonged to my mother’s father, and Nicole got the oil lamp that belonged to my great grandparents.  They all seemed to appreciate the family history behind the gift they got.

We played two games.  The first was a red solo cup game.  Hidden underneath the cups were a variety of prizes.  Most had a few pieces of candy, four had $25 gift certificates to restaurants, and a few others had little gifts.  A couple cups had steal, trade or give away.  The kids had fun playing it.  The other game was picking out candy canes from a basket.  Most of the candy canes had numbers on them and the prize for the candy canes that had a number on them was an envelope with cash in it.  Some were worth $1, some $3, some $5, some $10 and some $20.  A couple of the kids raked in the cash.

It was so fun to have all the kids here for the afternoon and evening.  I so enjoy their company.  It was fun to relax, watch the football game, and visit with them.

I’m glad Christmas is over for this season though.  Christmas is not my favorite time of the year and it feels good to have it done with.  The best part of Christmas is the family gathering and enjoying each other.

I got rid of all of the Christmas treats.  I managed to get all of what I had on my list made.  I made peanut brittle and potato candy today.  Glad all of that stuff is out of the house.  I don’t eat any of it but I have moments of being tempted.

Tomorrow I will do a bit of housecleaning and finish cleaning up the kitchen.  I put one load of dishes in the dishwasher and will have at least one more load to do in the morning.  This house cleans up quickly after events like this one.  I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so will have plenty of time to get things cleaned up.

Tagen turns 17 in another week or so.  I gave him his birthday present today.  He seemed pleased with it.  I can’t believe Tagen is going to be 17.  Where does time go?

Next week will feel a bit strange to me as I won’t have this event today to look forward to.  I have lots of empty space on my calendar next week.  I’m going to have to figure out what to do with myself.

Grateful for my kids and their families, grateful the kids appreciated their family heirloom gift, and grateful Christmas is over.

Another productive day for me today.  I woke up at 3:00 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I got up and make Eclairs for our dessert on Saturday and cooked the chicken for the soup I am making.  Went back to bed around 4:30 and was able to get a second sleep.

Made and frosted sugar cookies this morning.  It wasn’t as much fun this year as I didn’t have my grandchildren helping me.  It just didn’t work out for them to do that this year.

Went to lunch with a dear friend.  I always enjoy time with my friends.  I hadn’t talked to anyone for a couple of days so was nice to have conversation with someone other than myself.  We were the only lunch customers at the Grand today.

When I got home from lunch the Locksmith came and installed the key pad lock on the back door.  Now I can secure the house when I am away.  Grateful to cross that project off my pending list.

I made a batch of New Year’s Cookies this afternoon.  Trust they turned out OK.  They look good.  The house has a fried oil smell to it now though.  I’ll have to put some essential oil in the humidifier and clear the air.

I have three more treats to make if I find the energy and time.  Tomorrow morning I am making two different soups for dinner tomorrow night.  I should have some time after I get the soups made to make them.  I do need to get some cleaning done though so we will see what I get done tonight.  I may have to cross the other treats off my list.

The distilled water in the humidifier seems to not be leaving a white film on things.  Not sure I want to spend the money to buy distilled water though.  I’ll have to price shop around town and see who has the best price on it.

I’m excited the kids are all coming tomorrow for our Christmas.  Those are the best days when they come home for a meal and time together.

I have a honey do list for them to do tomorrow.  Little do they know that is their payment for a meal!  Ha!  I need some furniture moved and some smoke detector batteries replaced.  They are much taller than I am and stronger so they will make short work of the few things I need done.

I haven’t heard from the guttering guy.  Guess he isn’t going to make it out here this week or if he did, he didn’t tell me.  I will call him again next week if I still haven’t heard from him.

I need to go to Verizon next week and get my Apple Watch working.  I got a new one and I can’t make or receive phone calls on it.  Not sure what I did wrong when I was loading it.  I got the watch that is to make calls even when you are not close to your phone.  Sure hope Verizon can get it going for me.

I will have lots of free time on my hands the next couple of weeks.  Trying to figure out what to do with it.  I will start getting busier once I start doing taxes a couple days a week.  I think that starts mid February.  I don’t do as well when I don’t have things on my calendar at least a couple days a week.  Too much time alone is not healthy for me.  Hard to find the balance of that sometimes though.

Grateful the lock got installed today, grateful some more treats got made, and grateful for the time I spent with my dear friend.

 

I had to get up early this morning as Belle needed to be at the Vet’s office by 8:00.  She is so fat she can’t groom herself and the coat on her back was matted and ugly looking.  They had to sedate her so they could shave her.  She wasn’t too happy with me this morning when I put her in the crate carrier.  I’m glad it isn’t freezing out as she has no fur left.  I’m not sure she will trust me enough to come back inside for a day or two.  Maybe Roxy, her buddy, will help keep her warm tonight.

When the Vet called to tell me they were done with her treatment she asked me if I had considered putting Belle on a diet.  I told the Vet that Belle spends the majority of her time outside and eats dog food more than cat food.  The Vet agreed that it would be impossible to ration her food unless I turned Belle into an indoor cat only.  Belle would hate that as she rarely comes inside.

I stopped at Walmart this morning after I dropped Belle off and picked up a few more things.  They were out of one of the things I needed.  I got the prescription that the nurse on Wednesday had screwed up.  Grateful that got taken care of.

I made a batch of fudge, chocolate covered peanut butter balls, Ritz cracker treats and dipped some pretzels in chocolate today.  It must have been Chocolate Day on the prairie.  Good to have those things crossed off my list.  Still need to make a few more goodies this evening and tomorrow but it feels like I might be ready for the family Saturday afternoon now.

When I went back to town this afternoon to pick up Belle I stopped and filled the car with gas, got some bourbon to make bourbon slush, stopped at Dollar General to get some distilled water that Walmart was out of, and then picked up another prescription that Walmart had been out of this morning.  It was a productive trip to town.  I also got some Vodka.  I make my own vanilla and needed some more vodka to top off the bottle of vodka/vanilla that I already have made.  If I keep the bottle topped off I don’t have to start from scratch making it.

I am running two humidifiers and am finding that my hard water is leaving a white coating on the surrounding area of the humidifiers.  I am going to try using distilled water and see if that helps.  I have been seeing sparks when I turn a light switch on as the house has been so dry.  I am not so stuffed up running the humidifier so they are helping but I don’t like the white coating on the floor.

I’m meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow.  That will be a treat for me.  It has been a day or two since I have talked to anyone.

The locksmith is to come tomorrow and install the key pad lock on the back door.  Trusting he will be able to come and get that done.  It has been on my to-do list for over three months.  The guttering guy hasn’t let me know when he is coming.  It seems like these little projects get dragged out longer than they should.

I was able to eat on plan today for the first time in a long time.  I have gained 12 pounds the last three months primarily from stress eating.  Time to get back on the wagon and get those 12 pounds off and hopefully 10 more after that.  I would like to get back down to what I was a while back.  I am finding it hard to stick to my eating plan these days.  It feels good to have had one successful day.  Maybe tomorrow I can do it again.  One day at a time and I will get there.

I have been offering myself extra grace these last three months and allowing myself to do what I needed to do to get through this difficult time.  My emotional bandwidth was stretched thin and there were only so many challenges I could handle in a day.  Eating on plan didn’t hit my priority list.  Trusting it is time to put it back on now that the dust is settling from the divorce.

Grateful Belle got taken care of today, grateful some Christmas treats got made today, and grateful to have had a successful eating day on plan.

I have had a much better day today.  Woke up feeling more like myself today.  I have managed to stay home all day and that helped.

I got some paperwork taken care of today that had been patiently waiting for me to take care of.  Cleaned downstairs and have done about all I need to do down there.  Still need to move some furniture around but need some help for that so will wait and do that when the kids are here Saturday.

Phil came and worked on repairing the ruts in the back yard that were caused when the U-Haul Jim was loading got stuck.  Then the tow truck got stuck trying to pull out the U-Haul and created even more ruts.  Phil still has some work to do but got some of them taken care of today and he also hauled the last load of Jim’s stuff away from the barn.

I called and requested a guy come look at the guttering that got broken during the move.  Not sure when they are coming but the lady said they would try to get out this week.  Friday the new lock gets installed on the back door.  Maybe both things will get taken care of the same day.

Got the rest of the Christmas presents wrapped and one of the games we are going to play set up.  Now I need to get baking and get the Christmas treats made.  I will start that this evening and spend a lot of time tomorrow and Friday in the kitchen cooking.

I took Jim’s name off the mailbox and put up new letters for my name.  It seems like I have a lot of little projects like that to take care of and it feels good to get some of them done.

Tomorrow morning I have to have Belle at the Vet’s office before 8:30.  She needs to be sedated so they can clean up her back.  She is so fat she can’t clean her coat and it is matted and nasty looking.  While she is there they are going to give her her annual shots.  We couldn’t catch her when we took the others to the vet a month or so ago.  I will pick her up late afternoon.  Get to make two trips to town tomorrow.  On one of the trips I need to stop and pick up a few more things for Saturday and a prescription that is ready to be picked up.

I enjoyed the sunshine today.  It warmed up to 44 out.  The wind finally slowed down a bit and it was a beautiful day on the prairie.

I got up early this morning and happened to look to the west.  I caught the moon setting.  I rarely get to see that so it was a treat.  The moon will be full Friday so it was nice and big this morning as it set.  I don’t think I had ever seen a moon set before I moved to this house.

I’m still adjusting to living alone again.  Jim has been out of the house since November 6 so it has been almost two months.  I haven’t been doing a good job of fixing myself meals.  I keep thinking today is the day I will do that and it rarely happens.  Meal times seem to be hard for me right now.  I will get over it and things will get easier in time.

I do enjoy the clutter free house I have now.  It seems to be staying cleaner and taking less of my time to keep up.  I can sense the energy of the house is lightening up and becoming more relaxing for me.  I enjoy the silence and am grateful I can play any type of music I am in the mood to listen to again.  I still forget I have a TV in the living room and don’t watch it much.  When I remember, I enjoy watching a movie sometimes.  I do find it hard to sit and do nothing when a movie is on though.  I rarely watch a TV program but it is nice to know I could if I wanted to.  I much prefer soft music playing then a TV on.

Grateful for a better day today, grateful I was able to cross some things off my to-do list today, and grateful for the beauty of a setting moon this morning.

This has not been one of my better days.  I went to bed at 5:00 last night and slept until midnight.  Then I was up until 4:30.  I got two more hours of sleep and got up at 6:30.

I felt totally drained this morning.  I think the drama of the last two weeks caught up with me and I needed a slow-down day to help my body, mind and spirit get caught up with each other.

I went to Emporia this morning to deposit a rent check and I stopped at Reeble’s North to get some things for Saturday.  They had everything that Walmart had been out of.  On the way home, I stopped and picked up Ellexia and brought her home with me for the day.

Ellexia helped me make a big batch of Chex Mix for Saturday.  It is a family tradition that the kids each get a bag of Chex Mix for part of their Christmas present.

I sent a message to my Endocrinologist that I needed a prescription refill.  The same nurse screwed it up yet again.  She sent a prescription for the wrong medication with the wrong dosage again.  I called the office and had to wait for over 15 minutes to get to talk to someone.  By then I was so angry I was crying.  The nurse that answered the phone was competent, unlike the nurse that sent the wrong prescription.  This nurse fixed it and promised to inform my Doctor about the mix up.  I told the nurse that if this happens again I am changing Doctors.  I don’t know how they can call in the wrong medication at the wrong dosage every time I need a refill.  It has happened at least four times in a row now – and it may be five times.  The nurse gave me a direct line for their office so I shouldn’t have to wait on hold so long next time.

When I take Ellexia home this evening I will stop and pick up the prescription.  I hope they gave me several months worth so I don’t have to go through this again next month.

I haven’t gotten anything else done today.  It has definitely been a rest and recovery day for me.  Guess with what all has gone on around here the last couple of weeks, I was due for a day like today. I kinda crashed and burned today.

I got a call from the lady that manages the AARP tax program.  I told her I would love to help with taxes this year.  Not sure when the training will be but I’m excited she called and look forward to doing taxes.  Trusting Covid doesn’t shut us down again this year.

Some days are easier than others.  This has been one of the hard ones.  I’m tired, cranky and ready to bite someone’s head off.  And this too shall pass.

Ellexia and I noticed the barn door was open so we walked down to see why.  We were caught a bit off guard when we walked outside.  The temperature must have dropped 10 degrees and with the wind it was a cold walk down to the barn.  Phil had come back for another load from the barn.  He will have one more load after this one.  He will end up hauling away six pickup and six trailers full of Jim’s leftover stuff.  So grateful it is going away and I didn’t have to find a pickup and haul it away myself.

Trusting tomorrow will be a better day and I will get some things done.  Christmas is Saturday for my family and I have a list of things that need to get done before then.  May have to revisit my list and see what can not get done.  Today was not the day to push myself to do something I wasn’t in the mood to do.

Grateful Ellexia came out to play with me today, grateful I found a competent nurse to fix the mistake the other nurse made, and grateful another load of stuff left the property today.

 

Had a nice drive through the fog to Council Grove late morning.  I met a friend for lunch and a nice long visit.  It is a wonderful thing to be able to share my journey with someone that gets it.  As always, we had a great visit and I enjoyed our time together.

Drove home and went to Emporia to pick some things up for our family Christmas that will be held Saturday.  I also got some binders so I could finish up a project that had been sitting on my desk for a bit.  Got that project taken care of this afternoon.  I love when I can finish up projects that have been sitting for a bit.

The fog has continued all day today.  I had to use my wipers to and from Council Grove but not sure we have gotten very much moisture.  I was hoping for a good, long rain but we didn’t get that.  I will take what ever moisture we get though.  Grateful the temperatures were well above freezing and the roads did not get slick.

The store in Emporia was out of a couple things I needed.  I’m still not used to shortages.  I guess I could have stopped at a different store but wanted to get home.  I will need to go back to Emporia later this week and will check again for the things they were out of today.  If they don’t have them by then, I will need to go to a different store to find them.

I haven’t gotten any more cleaning done today.  I may still get downstairs this evening and do another floor or two.  It is so nice to walk downstairs and see open space and empty rooms.  I don’t have anything on my calendar this week so have plenty of time to get everything cleaned before Saturday.

I had ordered a lock set for my back door about two months ago.  The locksmith finally called today and told me they had gotten it in and will be out Friday to install it.  Kinda late for what I wanted it for but grateful it will be taken care of soon.  This will enable me to be able to secure the house when I am gone.  Living out here by myself I need to become more aware of personal safety and to take reasonable precautions.

I’m tired this afternoon.  I may go to bed early again.  I was in bed by 8:00 last night.  I finally got a good night’s sleep last night.  Seems like when I do get sleep, it makes me feel more tired the next day.  Wonder if I can sleep for two nights in a row?  That would be a miracle if that happened.

I fixed my Apple Watch.  I was having trouble pairing it to my new iPhone.  I turned my iPhone off and then back on and tried pairing my watch and it worked.  My watch is four or five years old and will need replaced this year as they will no longer do updates for it sometime later this year.  Gotta love how technology changes so fast that your devices get outdated before they wear out.

Grateful for time with a dear friend, grateful I got my watch paired, and grateful for the moisture the prairie is receiving.

 

I had to think a minute when I typed the year.  It will take me a bit to get used to writing 2023.  Happy New Year’s!

I had another productive day.  Phil came and got the last of the stuff that needed to go away.  He took five pickup loads plus five full trailers of stuff.  Some of the stuff he will attempt to sell, some he will gave away and most will go to the dump. It feels so good to have the house, garage and barn free of clutter and stuff.  I now need to get the garage and barn cleaned and reset with the little that remains.  I smiled when I drove in the garage tonight.

I helped load one of the loads today.  I needed to show Phil what stayed (very little) and what needed to go.  I’m grateful it was nice outside today.

I cleaned some more on the lower level today and rearranged furniture.  Did some touch-up painting to cover some holes that had been put in the wall to secure some bookcases.   Still have lots of cleaning to do but making progress.

A friend invited me over this afternoon for a meal of black-eyed pea soup and cabbage steaks.  Yummy!  It was nice to get out and interact with others for a bit.  Sometimes the quiet is too quiet out here on the hill.

I wrapped a few Christmas presents today.  Have a few more to wrap but I have until Saturday to get them done.

Keith came over and picked up his fudge, peanut brittle, and New Year’s Cookies.  He took Chad’s with him and will deliver those for me.  Good to have that stuff out of the house.  I need to make one more batch of them for Saturday and then I can quit Christmas baking.

Another friend got hold of me this evening and invited me to meet her in Council Grove tomorrow.  It is a halfway place for us to meet up at.  It will be fun to take a drive and have lunch with her.

Thinking it will be an early bedtime for me tonight.  I am tired for some reason tonight.  I managed to stay up till midnight last night but was up and going before 6:00 this morning.  Some nights I have trouble finding sleep and last night was one of those nights.  Maybe tonight I will sleep better.

I need to go to Emporia when I come home from Council Grove tomorrow and run a few errands.  I have a couple little projects I am working on and need some supplies to get those finished up and off my desk.

Clearing out the clutter from the garage and barn has been good for my soul.  It has reminded me to let go of things that are not useful so I can make room for new things to come in.  I still have too much stuff in the house and need to let go of some more things.  The house is easier to keep clean when there is less stuff to work around.  I can also find things easier when my drawers and closets are not so full.

Grateful for Phil and the work he did to remove all the extra stuff from my property, grateful for friends that invite me out, and grateful the lower level is getting cleaned.

This has been a busy day.  I tracked down the two dogs and two cats and gave them their flea and tic medication and also gave the dogs their HeartGuard.  That usually is a day’s work for me.

I made a batch of fudge, peanut brittle and New Year’s Cookies to take to my two brothers in Lebo tomorrow.  I think all three things turned out OK – I don’t eat any of it so can’t taste test it.

Phil and his wife came and cleared out the remaining items from the basement.  He hauled away the big pile of trash that was downstairs along with a bunch of shelving units that had been left behind.  He filled his truck and trailer with things from the basement and then came back and took another big load out of the garage.  He is coming back tomorrow afternoon to get another load out of the garage and then will need to clear out the remaining items from the barn.  I am betting that will take at least three more trips if not more.

It will be so nice to have a cleared out garage and barn.  I will need to clean both of them and reorganize what little is left.  It will make me smile every time I pull into the garage now.  It was so cluttered before I could never find what I needed.  Clutter bothers me.  I hate when I can’t find something, especially when there is too much stuff to look through.

The house is totally cleared out now so I can finish cleaning the downstairs and resetting the rooms.  The house feels lighter to me now.  It will be so nice when I get it all cleaned and reset.  I can breathe again!  I do need to move some furniture around but that may have to wait until I have some help to carry a couple things upstairs.

I stopped at Verizon and got a new phone yesterday.  My old iPhone was a Model 8 and was starting to freeze up on me.  I got a 14.  I almost have everything working on it.  Still haven’t figured out how to pair my Apple Watch to the new iPhone.  Will have to go to Verizon on Tuesday and have them help me.  The new phone is just a tad bigger than my old one but thankfully still fits in the pocket of my purse.  It operates like my new iPad so now I won’t get confused switching between the iPad and iPhone.

I am tired tonight.  I didn’t take much time to sit and do nothing today.  It felt good to have an active day and get lots accomplished.  I haven’t had too many days like that lately.  Tomorrow I hope to get some cleaning done as well as helping Phil clear out the barn.  I have all week free so should get the rest of the cleaning done next week.

We are having our family Christmas Saturday, January 7.  I am almost ready for it.  I still need to get one more gift and I also need to get some prizes for one of the games we will play.  I know what I am going to fix for food and need to make a grocery list and get what I need to fix dinner.  Friday I will fix some fudge, peanut brittle and New Year’s Cookies for the kids.  I also need to make a batch of Chex Mix.  It will be fun to have all the kids over for dinner on the 7th and to spend some time with them.  I always have a fun time with them.

I don’t make New Years Resolutions but I do choose a word for the year.  This coming year my word is going to be Balance.  I learned through the situation with Jim that I had become unbalanced in several different ways on several different levels.  Strengths can become weaknesses if you don’t stay balanced.  Taking care of myself first instead of taking care of others first is not something that comes easily to me.  But I learned this year that when I get unbalanced in that regard, I end up not taking care of myself or the other person as I get too depleted.  The saying “you can’t pour from an empty pitcher” sure makes sense to me now.  My task for the new year will be to check in with myself on a daily bases to make sure my inner pitcher is full.

Grateful for Phil and his wife and the work they did today, grateful the clutter in house and garage is being cleared out, and grateful the baking I did today turned out OK.

 

I haven’t been blogging for a bit.  Needed to take a break and do life for a bit.  I have made some major life changes and needed privacy and time to sort everything out.  Things are still a little upside down but starting to settle down.

I filed for divorce the last week of October.  Jim left our home on November 6 and returned to Stillwater, OK where he is buying a new house.  Our divorce was finalize yesterday, December 29.

There are still some moving parts to finalize and work through but for the most part the worst is behind me.  I look forward to turning a new page on January 1, 2023 and starting the year off with a clean slate.

I am continuing to see my mental health counselor.  She has been wonderful helping me through this process and encouraging me to find the strength to do what was best for me.  As a chronic people pleaser and co-dependent person, that can be hard for me to do.

Have spent lots of time today downstairs cleaning.  Jim cleared out the last of his belongings yesterday so now I can clean the basement and reset the house.  I am using this time to go through my belongings and weed out the things I no longer want/need.

I haven’t made any long-term decisions about what I am going to do yet.  I need to let the dust settle and get in a better mental and physical state before I make any decisions.  I will be nesting here this winter and then deciding come spring time if I want to stay in this house or do something different.

I want to give a shout out to my family and friends that have walked this difficult path with me.  Every need I had was met almost before I knew I had a need.  I have never felt so supported before.  I only can hope that I can return the favor to all that have supported me through this.  It has made this difficult time much easier.

It will be good to get back to blogging on a daily bases.  I have missed writing as that is one way I use to process my feelings and thoughts.  It’s good to be back!

Grateful for all the love and support I have been given from my friends and family these last three months, grateful the divorce was settled without having to go to court, and grateful for new beginnings that await me.

Had a wonderful weekend away.  It felt like a respite of sorts.  I came home emotionally stronger than I have been for a long time.  I am starting to remember who “I am” again.  That feels good!

Tomorrow I go to Wichita for another counseling session.  I am looking forward to this one.  I have a long list of things to discuss with my counselor.  I’m anxious to hear what she has to say.  Wednesday I have an appointment in Emporia in the afternoon.  Taking baby steps to come back home to myself.

Have a touch of a sore throat that started yesterday.  It isn’t any worse today than yesterday so hoping it is just allergies.  It is the time of year that allergies kick in for me.  I took some decongestion medication and that seems to help.  I am so run down I wouldn’t be surprised if I caught a bug of some sort.  Crossing my fingers that didn’t happen.

Monday morning I have one more phone call to make so I can make another appointment.  It will be good to get that one on my calendar and get that taken care of too. Maybe this week will be clean-up week and I will get some loose ends tied up so progress can begin.

A dear friend that I have never met in person but is like a Soul Sister reached out to me yesterday via Facebook Messenger.  She lost her father last week and still took the time and effort to reach out to me.  Her love and support means the world to me.

I got a bit more sleep last night then I have been getting.  I may take a nap this afternoon – we will see if I can stay awake and then go to bed early.  Sleep has been very hard for me to find lately.

Grateful for a respite weekend, grateful for Soul Sisters, and grateful to be on the climb back up the ladder of wholeness.

 

 

Had trouble finding sleep last night.  I couldn’t get my mind to shut off.  Usually when I can’t sleep my mind is quiet but last night it was on speed.  Makes for a long night when that happens.  May go take a nap in a bit to see if I can sleep.

Went to Emporia late morning.  I wanted to get something from a store downtown but they were having the Trick or Treat event downtown and there were little ghosts and goblins everywhere.  No parking to be found  and way too many people around for my liking so I didn’t get what I came to town to get.  I’ll get it another day.

I had lunch while I was in town and then went over to check on Tagen.  He decided some Spaghetti O’s, bananas and applesauce sounded good so I went to the grocery store to get those for him.  Took them back to him and then headed out.

Talked to Nicole for an hour today.  She and Geoff just got back from a wonderful trip to Greece and it was fun to hear all about it.  They had a great time and the weather was perfect for them.  I look forward to seeing all the pictures she took.  Nicole is a wonderful photographer and catches things most people miss.

Started knitting a baby blanket today.  I needed something to do while I listened to some podcasts and videos.  Have one of six repeats done on the blanket.  It feels good to have picked up my needles again.

I slowly feel my strength and power coming back in.  Man was I empty and drained.  I will spend some time at my counseling session Monday having the counselor help me figure out how I allowed myself to get so empty.  It was one of those things that happened a bit at a time and by the time I noticed, I couldn’t stop the draining process.  I can’t remember ever feeling this empty before.  I was starting to question my own sanity which feels a bit scary to me now.

I had an episode of severe depression about 20 years ago and that was a totally different feeling.  This wasn’t due to depression.  I am starting to understand what happened and now need to figure out how to stop it from ever happening again.  I take full responsibility for it as I didn’t value myself enough.  Boundaries are a big thing for me to learn how to navigate and manage as they will help me not allow this to happen again.  I didn’t keep myself important enough and gave too much of myself away.  Hopefully I have learned my lesson.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow so will have another rest and recover day.  Monday I go see my counselor.  Wednesday the furnace guy is coming to do the winter check on the furnace in the morning and I have an appointment in Emporia in the afternoon.

It is a beautiful day in KS today.  The fall colors are wonderful and the air is crisp.  I think I will go take a walk and then attempt a nap.

Grateful Tagen is feeling better, grateful for the life lessons I am learning, and grateful Nicole and Geoff had a safe trip home.

Last night Tagen had to go to ER as he had been running a temperature of 102 and over for four days and nights.  He was diagnosed with strep throat on Monday and was not getting better.  He was having trouble swallowing.  Thank heavens Michelle is a nurse and realized he needed some more medical attention.

He was diagnosed with an abscess starting to form on his tonsils.  They gave him fluids, an IV antibiotic and some steroids.  They spent almost 8 hours in the ER.  His fever finally broke during the night and he was feeling better today.

Michelle had to take him to their family doctor this afternoon so she asked me to pick up Ellexia after school.  I picked Ellexia up and one of her friends.  We took the friend home and then I took Ellexia to get a snack.

By the time I got Ellexia home, Michelle and Tagen were back from the doctor.  Tagen needed to take an antibiotic pill but was having trouble getting it down.  Michelle broke it open and put it in some pudding.  He took one bite and was having trouble getting the courage to eat the rest of it.  I picked up the spoon and fed him like I did when he was a baby.  I think it shocked him and he opened his mouth and swallowed it down before he could think about it!  Go G!

He hasn’t eaten much for the last couple of days.  He said a hot fudge shake from DQ sounded good so I went to get him one if he would agree to take a shower while I was gone.  He agreed to the deal and off I went.  By the time I got back with the shake and some DQ sandwiches and Dilly Bars, he had taken a shower.  He hadn’t felt good enough to shower for the last couple of days.  Somehow a shower and clean sheets on a bed helps you feel better when you have been sick for a bit.

I sure hope his troubles are behind him and he starts to heal.  If he starts running a temperature again he has to go back to ER to get admitted.  He was referred to an ENT doctor and I am betting having his tonsils out will be in his near future.

While I was in town I stopped by the Hospice office and had my TB test read.  No reaction so that was quick and easy.  I stopped and had lunch.

It felt good to be of use and help to the kiddos.  It has been a while since they have needed G.

It has been a beautiful fall day today.  The temperature reached 70 and the skies are bright blue.  The trees are beautiful with their red, orange and yellow leaves.

Grateful Tagen is feeling better, grateful I got to spend a little time with Ellexia, and grateful my TB test was negative.

This has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I went to Cottonwood Falls and voted this morning.  I had a short visit with the Election Clerk.  I thanked her for her service and she shared with me a bit about what she has to go through with some election denier voters.  She has my sympathy and compassion.  Not sure why people have to treat her so badly sometimes and not sure why people think the elections are not fair and safe.

I am exhausted.  I finally got some sleep in two parts last night but feel utterly exhausted today.  I laid down this afternoon to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep.  It was good to lay down and rest though.

I made one of two appointments that needed to be made.  Maybe tomorrow I can make the second one.  The first one was more important so am grateful it has been made.

Today has been cloudy and windy and a bit chilly.  It is in the lower 60’s but doesn’t feel that warm outside.  I turned the fireplace on to try to warm up a bit.  I have felt cold all day.

Tomorrow I have to go to Emporia in the afternoon to have my TB test checked.  So far it is just a small looking bruise so thinking it will be negative.  I had a reaction to one years ago that was negative but something in the shot caused an allergic reaction on my skin.  Grateful that didn’t happen this time.

Grateful for a quiet day, grateful for the privilege of voting, and grateful I can rest as needed.

Had counseling yesterday.  Came home exhausted and was in bed before 8:00 last night.  I am having a great deal of difficulty finding sleep these days.  Got a bit last night but not enough.

Today I went to my Hospice training class.  It was OK.  I certainly learned a lot more during my Death Doula class but that was a much longer class.  I had a skin TB test today and go back Friday to have them read that.  They have do to a background check and then in a couple of weeks they will assign my first patient.  The way they operate I wouldn’t be surprised if it will be the first of next year before they get back in touch.  Maybe they will surprise me and call sooner than that.

Counseling went OK Tuesday.  The counselor does a nice job of hearing and validating what I am saying.  Not sure we are anywhere close to resolving anything yet but it is nice to know that I am not mentally unstable and that she understands what my issues are and that they are legit.  She assigned some homework but it doesn’t feel safe for me to attempt to do it.  When I told her that she understood.   I go back next week and am guessing that it will be more productive.

I had a good conversation with her about boundaries.  I had watched a YouTube about boundaries that dealt with what to do if someone doesn’t honor your requested boundary.  The speaker on the video said you either learn to live with it not being honored or you need to make a choice to discontinue the relationship.  She stressed you also have a choice when someone imposes a boundary on you if you want to honor that boundary or not.  Somehow that gave me some breathing space and opened some options up to me.  I have the right to reject a boundary request and someone else can reject my request.  I had never looked at boundaries that way before.

I was able to clearly state my need to work on myself and what I considered were some of my boundaries.  I saw in myself the results of not setting boundaries before and giving too much of myself away.  I have a better understanding of why I am where I am now and why I got so empty.  I have to take care of myself first.  When my pail is empty I am of no good to anyone, myself included.  She helped me see how my pail got holes in it and my energy got depleted.

I have been a life-long people pleaser and have been generous to others.  I now see the flip side of those behaviors.  Every behavior has a head and tail.  A strength can become a weakness if things get out of balance.  I was horribly out of balance and my strengths had flipped to weaknesses.

I am thinking about getting away for the weekend and giving myself some space to process and think.  I go back to Wichita Monday for another counseling session so will need to be home Sunday evening.  I have to have my TB test read Friday but could go somewhere for the weekend after that.  Now to decide where to go.  Ideas anyone?

Stopped at Home Depot and got a different color of deck paint.  This color works so may do some deck painting tomorrow if I can get some sleep tonight.  I am so tired right now that I’m not sure I would do a very good job painting and what I have to paint is deck railing and that needs my full attention.

I need to make a couple of appointments for next week when I find the energy to make some phone calls.  I am too drained to do so today.

My social security check got deposited in the old checking account and then transferred to the new one the bank set up after the attempted bank fraud.  I’m grateful the bank handled it properly.  That was the last bank activity that I knew of that needed to happened with the old, compromised account so they closed that account out.  Glad to have that mess behind me.

Thinking tonight will be another early to bed night.  Trusting tonight will be the night that I can get some good sleep.  I don’t have anything on my calendar for tomorrow so maybe I can relax and rest.

Grateful for my counselor, grateful for the insights I am getting into my inner workings, and grateful for the work Hospice does for the dying and their families.

It has been a great day.  I met with two dear friends this morning.  It was an incredible experience to be heard, seen and validated. They were compassionate, kind, and generous with their offers of help, support, and love.  It meant the world to me.   Not sure how I could do life right now without my kids and friends.

I meet with my counselor tomorrow and will see what happens there.  Today helped me find the words to share with the counselor tomorrow.  Trusting that a path forward will open to me soon.  Right now it feels like I have a huge mountain to climb.  I guess if I can walk 500 miles I can climb this mountain – right?

This is becoming a test of my patience and a lesson in remembering to stay out of anticipation.  One step at a time, one day at a time, things will be resolved and revealed.

I’m excited about my Hospice training that is going to happen on Wednesday.  I had sent them my application to become a volunteer in July.  I will be interested to know what happens after training and how quickly I will get assigned some clients to visit and support.  I need a diversion right now and getting back to my Death Doula material may be what I need.  I always feel better about myself when I am in service to others.

The prairie got some much needed rain today.  Jim is working on repairing our deck railing so our rain gauge is down so not sure how much rain we got.  There were some nice puddles to drive through this morning when I went to my friend’s house.  We may get more rain later this week.

I took a nap yesterday afternoon and sleep was hard to find last night.  I made myself stay awake this afternoon so I could sleep better tonight.  We will see how that plan works out.  Rainy days make me sleepy, especially when I only got about two hours of sleep last night.

Grateful for the love and support my friends showed me today, grateful for a new understanding of what I need to do, and grateful for the rain that fell on the prairie today.

Had a nice day today.  I felt more like myself than I have for a long time.  I got some cleaning done this morning and took a nap this afternoon.  I have been a bit sleep deprived so it felt good to get some sleep.

Tomorrow I am meeting two dear friends for coffee and a good long visit in the morning.  Tuesday I go to Wichita to my mental health counselor.  Wednesday I have training to become a Hospice Volunteer.  It will be a busy week which is what I need right now.

We had a 49.2 wind gust this afternoon.  The wind has been in a big rush all day today.  Sure hope it blows in some rain.  It is so dry I worry about fires.  A fire would be very hard to stop and control with the wind and dry conditions.

Taking things one day at a time right now.  Hard to look too far ahead and know what is going to happen.  It is a good lesson on Being Here Now!  All I can control is my reaction and feelings in this moment.   Sometimes it is hard to stay present when my emotional pain is heavy and I want it to stop.

I had asked myself for lessons on impulsiveness, patience and staying out of anticipation.  I guess I got a big dose of all three this fall.  Not sure I can give myself a passing score yet but am aware of the lesson that is being played out.

Still basking in the love and support of my family and friends.  I am so very blessed to have a strong support system around me.  It makes all the difference in the world.

Grateful to my friends and family for their support, grateful for the internal work I am doing, and grateful for the rain that is headed our way.

I am the luckiest mother in the world.  I had nice long visits with two of my kids today and came home feeling so loved and supported.  Jason and Melissa fixed a wonderful dinner for me.  Tim and Michelle offered much love and support.  Nicole and Geoff are in Greece or they would have done the same.  Being a mother doesn’t get any better then when your kids are there for you when you need them.

I started to put the new paint on the deck today but discovered the paint color is not going to work.  It is almost an orange color and I wanted a dark redwood.  We have to go to Wichita Tuesday so will stop and get a different color then.  Anyone need two gallons of almost orange deck paint?

Grateful to my kids for their love and support, grateful for the support of two dear friends, and grateful to be reminded of my value today.

Happy birthday to Jim.  He turns 74 today.  He got a card from my Aunt Glenda and a letter from my brother Max.  It is always a good day when you get personal mail.  Rarely seems to happen these days.

I realized this afternoon I haven’t been blogging lately.  I am going through some tough stuff right now and when that happens words can be hard for me to find.  I have a very hard decision to make in the next couple of weeks and am taking lots of time to sit with it and make sure I make the right one for me.  Lots of people will be impacted with my decision and I need to make sure I handle this as well as I know how to do.

Looking backwards things become clear to me sometimes. Sure wish I could see the same clarity looking forwards.  I feel like I have been buried under a pile of rocks and have come out from being buried and am seeing things in a new and different way.  Hard to accept what I am seeing and hard to believe I didn’t see it before.

I’ve been spending lot of time reading and educating myself on what I am facing.  I will see my mental health counselor again this week and will seek her help in sorting everything out for me.  I met with her once last week and have three more appointments booked with her over the next three weeks.  It is always helpful to get an outsider to look at things and help me fill in the blanks and course correct me if I am seeing things wrong.  Part of me is still holding out hope that things might change but part of me knows it won’t.  When I can get my gut, heart and brain to agree then I will know what to do.

I baked Jim a two-layer German chocolate cake for his birthday dinner.  That used to be my favorite cake too!  I won’t join him in having a piece though as I no longer eat flour or sugar.  It was fun making it though.  He is getting liver and onions for his birthday dinner if I can handle touching the liver to put it in the skillet.  One of his favorite meals.  I used to make it years ago but haven’t made it in a long time.  I trust it will turn out OK.  The recipe I found said to soak the liver in milk before you cook it.  I had never done that before but decided to try it.  We have some left over Shepherd’s Pie in case the liver doesn’t turn out OK.  I have some chicken tenders to fix for me.

Gotta love KS weather.  We had a hard freeze earlier this week and today it is in the 80’s.  This is the time of year that you need to change clothes three or four times a day to be comfortable depending on what the temperature is.

Grateful for professional mental health counselors, grateful for books that teach me, and grateful for the support I have from friends and family.

 

We drove to Topeka today to take the Forester to the dealer to have the STARLINK system checked out.  Turns out there was nothing wrong with it.  Long ways to drive to get a free car wash!  Still am getting an error message on the system check but guess I will learn to ignore it.

We stopped afterwards at The Blind Tiger Brewery for lunch.  It was good food and good service.  I would go back if we are in that part of Topeka again.  Still have a bit of sticker shock when I see the bill for lunch for two is almost $50 with the tip.  We don’t eat fancy, order appetizers or fancy drinks.  Not sure how people can afford to eat out very often at those prices.  I understand why the restaurants have had to raise their prices but they have priced me out of doing much eating out.

Jim got a tetanus shot before we left town.  He wounded himself two days ago and it was looking ugly.  He couldn’t remember when he had his last tetanus shot so we thought he better be safe than sorry.  I scheduled it for him on-line last night at Walgreens for 11:10 this morning.  It took an hour before he was done!  Not sure why they were so slow but he got it done.

Tomorrow we go to Walmart to get our flu shots.  They usually are rather efficient and timely.  We will see how busy they are and how long it takes.  Jim may have two sore arms by tomorrow evening.

I called Bluestem and found out their next chick day is November 5.  Guess we will be waiting a few more weeks to get some baby chicks.  Timing isn’t great as they will be big enough to go outside around the first of the year and that is usually when the weather gets really cold on the prairie.  Maybe we will get lucky and get them acclimated int he big coop before the bitter cold winter weather hits.  That timing will give me some time to gather the supplies I need to take care of baby chicks.  Come spring time I should be back in the egg business.

I was excited to hear my social security will be going up over 8% next year.  It seems to be harder each month to make ends meet.  I try hard to live on my social security check and only tap savings for bigger expenses.  Some months I stay out of savings but lately I have had to tap into it.  Groceries sure seem to cost more every time I go to the store.  I sure feel for those that don’t have a savings back-up.  Not sure how they do it.

Took a short nap when I got home from Topeka today.  I haven’t been sleeping good again and it caught up with me.  These days I will sleep whenever I think I can.

Jim broke down and turned the furnace on this afternoon.  The house has cooled down with the temperatures dropping into the 40’s at night.  Today the wind was in a huge hurry and blew hard most of the day.  That makes it feel even colder.

Grateful to have gotten my car checked out, grateful for a social security raise, and grateful for afternoon naps.

Happy birthday mom!  She would have been 93 today.  Hard for me to imagine her that old.  She was young looking and young acting up until the last few years of her life.  I think of her daily and feel her presence with me often.  She is still guiding and teaching me.

It has been another quiet day on the prairie today.  Jim had a doctor’s appointment late morning so he went to Emporia and after his appointment ran some errands.  I haven’t managed to get much done again.  It has been a windy day but cooler than it has been.

We got .65 inch of rain last night.  The hail and strong rain woke me up around 3:00.  It was a delight to have rain.  Sure could have used a lot more but grateful for what we did get.  It kinda settled the dust although the way the wind is blowing it won’t be long before the dust is blowing again.  Not much chance for more rain in the forecast for the coming week.  We are back to drought conditions.  Strong City is asking that we conserve water as the water table is very low.  Not a good sign going into the dry winter months.

Tomorrow I am taking my car to the dealer in Topeka to get the STARLINK system checked.  It hasn’t worked properly since the car was broken into the first of September.  Trusting they will get it fixed quickly as I am going to wait on it to get fixed.  I have some errands to run in Topeka so may go up early and get those done before I take my car to be fixed.  We will see how my morning goes and if I can get away early.

We are getting our flu shots Friday afternoon.  We both decided that it may be a good idea to do so this year.  Neither one of us usually gets them but from what I am reading the shot is a good match this year and the experts are predicting a strong flu season.  Trusting neither of us will get sick from the shot.

Sunday afternoon Jim’s son Thomas is getting married.  We will watch the ceremony on Zoom.  They decided to have a very small wedding and hold a big reception and family party later.  It will be a special afternoon for Jim.  We love his fiancé and look forward to seeing them start their new life together.

Monday we are going to Wichita for an appointment in the morning and then in the afternoon taking all five critters to the vet for their annual check.  It will be a circus trying to get all of them into the car, into the vet clinic and home again. We have never taken all five at once and may never try it again.  We will see how it goes.  Once the cats are caught they will be easy as we put them in carriers.  Sophia hates to get in the car and sometimes we have to pick her up to put her in.  She weighs 145 pounds so that is no easy task.

The Emporia Friends of the Library book sale starts Saturday and runs through Thursday next week.  I buy my yearly supply of reading material at the book sale each year.  I am working the sale on Wednesday afternoon.  Come see me!

Feeling a bit restless this afternoon.  I need to find a project to work on.  Sometimes it is not good for me to have too much free time.  It will be good to have a couple of busy days coming up to get me out of the house.  It is too easy for me to isolate and not be “in” the world.

Grateful for the rain we received last night, grateful the storm wasn’t too severe, and grateful for the life of my mother and all the lessons she taught me and continues to teach me.

 

 

Seven years ago I walked into Santiago, Spain after traveling over 500 miles – mostly on foot.  What a journey I had.  The lessons I learned on the trail remain with me and continue to teach me more about myself.  It was a trip of a lifetime for me and am ever so grateful I found the courage to do the Camino.  I treasure the friends I made along the way – especially Tom and Carolyn Maloney from CA.  I remain grateful to all of you that helped me on my journey by sending good vibes, prayers, well wishes, etc.

I went to Emporia this morning to pick up my prescriptions and a few groceries.  Found out the Endocrinologist office had called in the prescription for Synthroid 100 and not the 112 as the nurse told me she did.  We got that fixed at the pharmacy.  I had an old prescription on file that still had a refill available on the 112 so they were able to return the 100 and fill the 112.  Found out the pharmacy has been using Good RX to reduce the price of the Tirosint instead of charging my insurance company.  I have never understood how Good RX works but many times it is cheaper to get your prescriptions using Good RX then it is to use your insurance.  The nurse had called in a two month supply and Good RX will only work for a one month supply.  The pharmacy had to return the two month order and replace it with a one month order.  Saved over $100 by doing it this way.  Man!  That was not an easy trip to the pharmacy but am ever so grateful I had a wonderful clerk that stuck with me and helped me work through it all.  Who knew buying prescriptions could be so complicated.

Haven’t gotten much else done today.  The wind is blowing 20 mph plus today. Sure hoping it is going to blow in some rain.  The dust is mighty thick today.  I have the house open anyways as I need some fresh air today.

A guy I used to work with years and years ago died.  I happened to see and read his obit.  Found out a friend connection I didn’t know before.  I have a friend in Manhattan who is best friends with this guy’s brother and wife.  What a small world!  I have met this brother and his wife before but hadn’t made the connection to them having the same last name as my friend who died.

Thursday I am going to Topeka to take my car to have the Starlink system checked out.  I have been getting messages that it isn’t working ever since we had the window broken out.  Not sure if the two are connected but thinking they are.  Hopefully it will be a quick fix as I am going to wait for the car while they work on it.  I don’t know if they do loaner cars in case it will take hours to get fixed.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow.  It is to rain part of the day so will be a good day to stay home and enjoy the rain.  Maybe it will rain enough to settle the dust a bit and I can dust my furniture and have it remain dust free longer than an hour or two.  You can write your name in the dust on my coffee table today.  Coffee table art work – who knew?

Feeling my mood elevator starting to go back up again – finally.  It was a long hard fall into the muck pond this time.  Hard to sit with my strong emotions at time.  Grateful that I am climbing out and have learned some new things about myself.  Next September I need to set the intention that my lessons will come in an easier, gentler way.

Grateful the prescription thing got figured out, grateful for the life lessons I learned on the Camino, and grateful my mood elevator is rising up and out of the muck pond of life.

Quiet day on the prairie today. Jim went to town to run some errands but I stayed home.  I haven’t gotten much done today except for finishing up the mowing.  Just didn’t have much energy or motivation to do anything today.

My lack of sleep is catching up to me.  I finally took another hot bath around 5:30 this morning and was then able to sleep for 3 hours.  It sure makes for a long night when I can’t find sleep.  I felt a bit hungover today – maybe I should have tied one on if I am going to have a hangover feeling.

I need to go to town tomorrow and pick up my prescriptions.  Not sure they are all sorted out but will go see what they have.  According to my on-line records the Endocrinologist office called in the wrong Synthroid dose but according to her nurse they called in the correct one.  I’ll find out tomorrow which is correct. I’m not sure it makes that much difference anyways as the pill doesn’t do much for me.

Starting to feel the urge to knit something.  I may go down and dig through my yarn and see if I can find enough to make something.  I have tons of yarn but not sure the right amount in the right colors to make a blanket.  I am not going to buy new yarn until I make a dent in the stash I already have.  I have some baby yarn I could knit into a baby blanket if that urge strikes.  I haven’t knitted in a long time.  I need to do something with my hands that is productive.  Not sure what I would do with another blanket but at least I would produce something.  They seem to find homes sooner or later.

Just noticed the beautiful full moon.  I missed it coming up on the horizon but caught it while it is still reddish and not too high up.  It was bright enough last night that I didn’t need to turn lights on when I got up to go to the bathroom.  I love the light of the moon on the prairie and the moon shadows it casts.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful for the beauty of the moon, and grateful for my yarn stash.

Jim got home around 7:30 last night.  He was tired from the long drive.  I had chili in the crock pot so he could have a hot meal when he got home.

I mowed most of the yard today.  It was hard mowing in places as I couldn’t tell where I had mowed.  Unless we get a good rain before first frost, I doubt that I have to mow it again this year.  I’ll wait to have it picked up and serviced until we get our first frost.

I am itchy and dirty from mowing.  There was a light wind that blew the grass in my face.  I ate a weed salad for lunch.  It is very dry and the grass is dry and dead in most places.

Lost another chicken today.  Am down to 19 chickens.  Next chick day at Bluestem I will have to get 10 chicks and replenish my flock.  I hate messing with baby chicks but I would rather get 10 now and then get more if needed come spring time.  Sure wish I knew what was killing my chickens.  I probably ought to get rid of all of the remaining chickens and get 25 new ones.  At the rate I am loosing them that will happen anyways.

I need to go to Emporia tomorrow to pick up my prescriptions and get some dog food.  Have a few grocery items on my list too.  Other than that, I have a quiet week ahead with not much on the schedule.  It is supposed to rain on Tuesday and Wednesday but am not going to hold me breath.  Two rainy days would be heaven on earth!

Feeling my mood elevator start to rise again.  Still feeling a bit vulnerable and unsure of myself.  I have had some good insights into my inner workings.  Still haven’t shaken all the apples off the tree but they are falling into my consciousness for me to ponder.  I have got to figure out a way to take better care of myself so I don’t get so empty again.

Today felt like a Saturday to me.  I hate when that happens as the rest of the week will feel off to me.  Tomorrow is a bank and mail holiday so that will add to my confusion.  When you don’t work, everyday feels the same.  Good thing my iPad and iPhone tell me what day of the week it is when I open the screen.  It is the only way I know what day of the week it is.

My tummy has been yelling at me most of the day.  I ate a small bowl of chili last night and am thinking my tummy didn’t like the beans in it.  I trust my tummy will settle down soon and I will get back to feeling OK.  Every since I had C-Dif it changed what I can eat without feeling icky.  I keep thinking it is temporary and soon it will start tolerating some of my favorite foods but so far no go.  It has been over a year since my last C-Dif occurrence.  Wonder how much longer it will take or if it will ever recover completely.  At least I haven’t had C-Dif again.  I still can’t eat raw vegetables and can only tolerate a bit of raw fruit.  Beans are on the no eat list too.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie again today.  I love fall days like this one.  Light wind, mid 70’s, lots of sunshine and white puffy clouds.  I know there is a limited amount of days like this ahead so I will enjoy each and everyone.

Grateful the yard is mowed, grateful Jim had a safe trip home, and grateful for another beautiful fall day on the prairie.

Found another dead chicken when I went down to the coop this afternoon.  Dang it anyways.  Sure wish I knew if there was something I could/should be doing to prevent these deaths.  Haven’t done anything different than I have done with my other chickens and have never had this problem before.  I lost one or two here and there before but never five in two months.

Today has been a much better day for me.  The sun is back out and it is a beautiful day on the prairie.  I actually got some things done today.  I took a load of recycling to Cottonwood Falls.  I was a bit concerned if I could fit it in the dumpster but found the dumpster almost empty.  That was easy!

Took the mower gas cans and filled them up.  I will need to mow one last time this year and was out of gas.  I like to keep some gas on hand in case one of the cars runs too low.  After I mow I will call John Deere and have them come pick up the mower to service it so it will be ready for next year.

Stopped at Dollar General and got some milk.  I want to bake something tomorrow and needed milk.

Cleaned our study today.  It was very dirty.  We keep the sliding door open lots in that room and dust blows in.  Next week I am going to work with Jim to de -clutter the study a bit.  The clutter is stacking up too much in there.  After a while I can’t take the clutter.

Have a crock pot full of chili cooking for dinner tonight.  Jim got a late start this morning.  He was down the road about an hour when he remembered he had forgotten something in the cabin he stayed in so had to turn around and go back to get it.  He won’t be home until 8:00 or so.  Glad I made something for dinner that isn’t time sensitive.

Monday I need to go to Emporia and pick up my prescriptions.  Other than picking up some dog food I don’t have anything on a grocery list so that may be all I need to do while I am in town.  We have a quiet week ahead with not much on our schedule.  That will be nice.  I have a honey-do list of things that need done if and when the mood strikes.  Unfortunately none of them feel urgent so they tend to get put off and not done.

Trusting this will be the week that I can get back to my Death Doula material and do some work on it.  I need to figure out some ways to get the word out that I am available to help people make their end of life care plans.  I have a few ideas bouncing around that I need to explore and see if I can get some leads.  I have a Facebook page almost completed so need to get that finalized and released.

Grateful for a beautiful fall day on the prairie today, grateful Jim will be home soon, and grateful I got some things done today.

Man!  It is cold outside.  I wasn’t ready for that today.  I had to turn the fireplace on to warm up after walking down to take care of the chickens.  I am NOT ready for winter.  What happened to fall?  Oh, it is Kansas so it will be back tomorrow!

I didn’t make it to town today.  Had yet another mix up with my Endocrinologist office.  This is becoming a frustrating occurrence with them.  My levels were too high again and I knew she would want me to go to 5 days on the liquid Tirosint and two days on Synthroid.  I let her office know I was out of the 112 dose and asked if they would call in a new prescription unless the Doctor wanted to try a lower dose of the Tirosint that I would take seven days a week.

The office called in a prescription for the 100 dose instead.  I already have those.  I sent a third message to them to let them know and so far nothing was done.  Dang it anyways.  I will wait to go to Emporia until this gets straightened out and I can pick up all my prescriptions at the same time instead of making three trips.  The pharmacy was out of the Tirosint so they can’t fill that until Monday so guess I will go to town Monday so I can pick them up.

It has been cold, cloudy and dreary on the prairie today.  Kinda fits my mood.  It has been a bit of a rough day emotionally for me.  I realized I am in the in-between stage right now.  I don’t feel comfortable when I am in this stage.  I am usually a quick decision maker and go for it and then make course corrections along the way.  Not being able to make a decision and getting on with it makes me feel stuck and uncomfortable.   I asked for a lesson on patience – careful what I ask for – right?

Jim will be home tomorrow late afternoon.  I need to think of something to fix for dinner in the crock pot so we can eat when he gets here.  The drive time can vary depending on traffic, etc.

I have done lots of thinking and note writing since Jim has been gone.  Sometimes I need silence to gather my thoughts and sort through them.  I had a lot of clutter in my mind that I needed to clear and some deeper thoughts that needed room to come to the surface so I could put into words what I was feeling.  I gained some good insights into myself and why some feelings were present.  I had not recognized how emotionally empty I had allowed myself to become.  I take full responsibility for not tending to my own needs.  I have a life time habit of putting others first.  I have done lots of work to change that but this lesson seems to keep spiraling around and giving me more chances to work on it.

I am working on a list of things that I can do to take better care of myself.  It still feels selfish to make a list like that.  Yet I understand I can’t give to anyone else unless I am coming from a full state of being.  Knowing and doing seem to be two different things at times with me.  When I am full – emotionally, spiritually and mentally, I handle what ever life throws at me.  When I run on empty I am an emotional mess.

We got some light sprinkles on the prairie this afternoon.  Wish we had gotten a good thunderstorm with lots of rain.  The cracks in the yard are deep and wide  enough you could break your ankle if you don’t watch where you are walking.

Grateful for the insights I had about myself today, grateful for another quiet day at home, and grateful for my warm fireplace that warms my body on a cold day on the prairie.

The guys showed up to caulk the windows around 9:30.  They were done before noon.  Grateful that project is done and off my list.  Trusting the windows will not leak if and when we get rain again.  They tried to order new seals for the windows but were unable to find any so they caulked heavily instead.

It has been a quiet day on the prairie for me today.  Sure not getting much cleaning done but have been sitting quietly, writing, reading, resting and relaxing.  I needed this quiet time to refill my soul.  Feeling more like myself than I have in a long time.  Funny how I can forget to take care of myself in the midst of life happening around me.  Thinking the trauma of the break in and the bank fraud depleted me more than I realized.  It feels good to have come back home to myself.

Still haven’t figured out what to do tomorrow.  I need to go to Emporia and pick up a prescription so will think of something fun to do while I am there.  If nothing else, I will eat lunch out by myself.  Thinking of going to town tonight for dinner but may decide to stay home instead.  It sounds like a good idea until I remember I have to get in the car and go somewhere to make it happen.  Not sure being around people is what I need tonight anyways.

It has been another beautiful fall day on the prairie.  It got to 80 today with little wind.  I was up early enough to catch the sunrise this morning.  The pre sunrise colors were magnificent.  I still think fall is the best time to watch sun rises and sunsets on the prairie.  The colors seemed magnified and more intense than any other time of the year.

Haven’t heard from my Endocrinologist about my high TSH levels.  Her office is short staffed and sometimes they miss things.  I did send a note to her office today as I need a refill of the pills if she wants me to stay on them.  She had mentioned at my last visit that she wanted to switch me off pills and on liquid Tirosint seven days a week.  If she does that, I will need a lower dose of the Tirosint as if I take it at my current dose seven days a week my levels go too low.  If I don’t hear back from her by Monday, I will send another message.  It may have been her day off today.  I have enough pills to get me through the next two weeks.  I try to allow lots of times for refills just in case the office is getting slammed.

I have been thinking a lot about silence lately.  Today I didn’t turn on music to listen to as I needed complete silence to fill my soul today.  The world is so full of noise and chaos right now that sitting in silence seems almost foreign.  Unplugging and being in silence can be so healing.  It has allowed the monkey chatter that was going non-stop in my brain to quiet down and slow down.

Grateful for the beauty of the prairie, grateful for the silence on the prairie, and grateful for this time alone.

 

 

 

Went to Emporia this morning to have my blood draw to check my TSH levels for my thyroid.  I was surprised when the results came back and they were too high – 5.75.  The levels were even higher this time than last time.  I had expected them to be too low.  I haven’t heard from the doctor yet about a medication change.  Man!  I get so frustrated when my levels are not in balance.  Wish I could figure this out.

Dropped off some Chex Mix to the grandkids.  I am betting that at least one bag has already been eaten this evening.  They sure love that stuff.

I have enjoyed a very quiet afternoon at home.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy being home alone on a beautiful fall day.  It was lovely walking down to take care of the chickens.  It is a bit windy on the prairie today but what would the prairie be like if the wind didn’t blow?

Tomorrow the guys are coming to work on the windows.  They will be here most of the day.  I will hang around the house just in case they need inside for something.  It will be good to finally get that project finished.  It has been on my pending list for months.

I’m a bit tired this evening.  I woke up at 5:00 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I thought about taking a nap but decided against it and am hoping I will be able to sleep more than three hours tonight.  We shall see if that was wise.  I need to be up and dressed before 8:30 in case the window guys come early.  It may be early to bed tonight for me.

I need to fix myself a decent dinner tonight.  It has been a few days since I have felt like eating and cooking a meal.  Feels good to feel hungry again.

Trying to think of something fun to do on Friday.  I may drive to Wichita, Topeka or KC for the day but not sure yet.  Staying home alone has been so nice that maybe staying home is what I need most.  I thought about going to Emporia and getting a pedicure.  I haven’t had one for years and I enjoy them occasionally.  I need to treat myself somehow – just haven’t figure out what I want yet.

I’m holding a major life decision in my hands and am not sure what to do.  I’ve been working on balancing my head with my gut and my heart today.  I feel my head pulling me one way, my heart says something different and my gut is pulling me another way.  When I can get them to agree I feel better and know that is the way to go.  Easier said than done sometimes though.  Needless to say, I won’t do anything until I get all three on board with the same conclusion.

Life sure is funny.  I think I have things figured out and then curve balls come from left field and throw me off balance yet again.  I’m not sure there are wrong answers, just different paths to travel.  Consequences for my choice will be played out regardless which way I choose.

Grateful for this time alone, grateful for my energy healing knowledge, and grateful I don’t have to make a decision today.