Starry night on the prairie

This has been a very quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t spoken to anyone so far today.  The sun is shining this afternoon after a foggy, cold start to the day.  It is only 33 out today but is to warm up to 47 tomorrow.

I got my tax prep work done.  Still need some tax forms to get here before I can make my appointment with my tax preparer but it feels good to know they will be ready to take in when the forms arrive the end of the month.  Three of the rentals had a good year, one had a terrible year with a big loss and the other one did so so.  I had to do some major work to the one that had the big loss.  It helps at tax time but hard from a cash flow perspective.

I did 25 minutes on the bike today and finished reading the book I have been reading this week.  It was the type of book that you hate to have come to the end as it was interesting and I would have liked to know more of the story.  I’ll start a new book when I take my bath later tonight.

I washed the sheets on my bed and cleaned the two upstairs bathrooms and then wrote my sister a long email.  It feels like it has been a productive day on the prairie today.  I like days like this when I get to stay home and get to cross some things off my to-do list.

I have been using distilled water in my humidifiers to eliminate the white film that my hard tap water leaves behind.  I am filling up my recycling quickly with the empty plastic containers.  I remembered that last year my neighbor was looking for plastic gallon jugs to put around her tomatoes.  I sent her a message and she will gladly take two dozen of them off my hands.  I like seeing things reused instead of being recycled so will save her some.  It won’t take long as I go through two gallons a day.  If anyone else needs some, let me know and I will be happy to save you some too.

No plans for the week-end.  I will need to find some excuse to get out of the house as too many days home alone without conversation with another person is not good for me.  I don’t have anything on my grocery list so don’t need to go to town for that.  Maybe I will kidnap one of the grandkids and have them come out for a day this weekend.

The weather is to warm up on Sunday and if it doesn’t rain I may try to paint the deck boards that were replaced by my handyman in December.  I don’t like seeing raw wood on the deck railing.  I think the wood needs to be protected by the deck paint.  Not my favorite type of painting but it needs to be done.  Later this spring I will need to repaint the whole deck.  The last paint I used didn’t hold up and all three decks need redone.  That will keep me busy for a month or more.  May need to have a painting party and get some help with that project.

My word for the year is balance.  It is important that I balance days like today where I stay home and am quiet all days with days that I interact with others and have conversation.  I get drained if I don’t keep myself in balance between the two types of days.  Empty space days recharge me but once I am full I need to socialize for my emotional health.  I will be more engaged with the outside world when I start doing taxes in February.

Grateful my tax prep work is completed, grateful for empty space days, and grateful I found a home for some of the empty distilled water containers.

It has been a busy, long day for me.  I woke up many times last night.  I think it was the sound of the wind that kept waking me up.  I knew I had to drive into Emporia this morning and I was worried about the storm that was raging outside.

I finally got up at 5:30.  We only got a light dusting of snow but there was some ice underneath it.  I left for Emporia at 6:15 so I could drive slow on the highway if needed.  The road was not bad although there was some dark ice in places.

I stopped and got the kids breakfast and then went to Michelle’s house.  The kids were both awake and moving.  They ate breakfast while they got dressed and then I took them to school.  Patience is the name of the game when you drop off a middle schooler and a high schooler.  Traffic is terrible – especially on icy days.

After I dropped the kids off I went to the hospital and picked up Tim.  He was almost ready to get discharged when I got there.  I took him home and then I came home.

I rode my bike for 20 minutes today.  My legs are already getting stronger.  I will continue to increase the time daily until I am up to at least 60 minutes at a time.  May go even more as I have time.  When I was training to walk the Camino I rode the bike four hours a day.  Not sure I need to go that long but we will see what I do.  I love to read while I bike and the time goes by fast.

Worked on my taxes today.  Feels good to have that project started.  I had to go back to town this afternoon to pick the kids up from school so while I was in town I stopped and got the rest of the rental statements from my business partner.  I also picked up a prescription and ran a couple of other errands.  I picked the kids up and dropped them at their house and then came back home.

Tonight may be a very early bedtime as I didn’t sleep well last night and got up so early.  Good thing the sun goes down early – I may go to bed when the sun does.

Feeling stronger each and everyday.  Things have calmed down from all the chaos of the last three months.  I am remembering who I am and where my boundaries are.  Eating on plan and exercising is helping me feel physically stronger too.  It feels so good to be back on track and taking care of myself.

Grateful to see the grandkids today, grateful for a safe trip to town this morning on icy roads, and grateful to be recovering from all the stress and trauma of last year.

It has been a full day today.  I was in town by 8:00 this morning.  I stopped and picked up another gallon of paint for the safe room and then I went to iHop to meet a high school classmate for breakfast.  We always have a good time visiting together.

After breakfast I came home and finished painting the ceiling, walls and floor of the safe room.  I dislike painting a ceiling so was grateful when that job was done.  I managed to not get too much paint on me in the process but did have to scrap my glasses and watch to get the paint splatters off.

The safe room looks much nicer and cleaner.  It may need a second coat but not sure it is worth doing.  No one goes in there unless there is a storm and then the power usually goes out so no one would notice.  If I get bored I’ll go down and touch it up a bit but may just let it be good enough as it is.

I managed to get a bookcase that had been in the safe room pushed into the coffee room downstairs.  Now I need to move a huge pile of books out of my bedroom closet to put on the two empty bookcases downstairs.  That will free up my closet and give it some breathing room.

Three friends came over this afternoon and we celebrated Winter Solstice.  We had a beautiful time together and I felt so loved and supported afterwards.  I trust the others left feeling the same.  It is a beautiful thing to have a group of women that you can trust your inner most feelings and thoughts with.  We remarked at the end how similar we all are and we share the same struggles.  We also reminded each other that struggles are OK and a good thing.  When you have nothing left to struggle with, your life adventure is over and none of us are ready for that yet.

I rode the bike for 18 minutes today.  I read a book while I do it and time goes by quickly.  Grateful to be back in the saddle again and working my way up to riding the bike for at least an hour a day.  I really do feel better when I exercise each day.

Tomorrow morning Michelle needs some help getting kids to school and getting them picked up afterwards so I will be going to Emporia early tomorrow morning.  I’m tired tonight so will go to bed early so I can be on the road around 6:30.  Tim is having a procedure done and Michelle has a full day at work and had three places to be at once.  Grateful I am free and can help out a bit.

We have a chance for some wintery mix tonight overnight.  Trusting the roads will be dry and safe in the morning.

Nothing on my calendar for Friday or the weekend.  While I am in town tomorrow I might try to get my hands on the rental house statements I need from my business partner and then I can work on tax prep this weekend.  It will be a couple of weeks before all the bank forms, etc. come in but the rental houses information takes the longest for me to put together.  It is always a relief when I have that task done for the year.  Since I have a quiet weekend ahead that might be a good time to get that task done.

Striving to find balance in my life in many areas.  Balance in eating, exercise, work, play, and balance in my mental and spiritual practices.  It sounds simple but I am finding it isn’t as easy as I would like it to be.  My habit is to be all in or all out.  That isn’t a balanced approach so I am working to break a life-long habit.  Changing a life-long habit takes a lot of energy and though and awareness.  Somedays are easier than others.  Overall I am making progress though.  I keep reminding myself perfection is not required or desired.

Grateful for friends that support and love me, grateful the painting project is completed, and grateful for personal insights and growth.

I got sleep last night although it came in short segments all night long.  I’m grateful I was able to sleep any at all after sleeping most of the day yesterday.  I woke up feeling rested  and more like myself.

I went to Emporia this morning to get a new trash can.  While I was at the hardware store I remembered I needed some paint so I can paint the safe room.  The safe room has concrete ceiling, walls and floors.  A couple years ago when the basement got water in it I had developed a mold problem in the safe room.  A guy came and treated it and then I painted the walls with Kilz paint and never did put other paint over it.  I got some paint today and got most of it painted.  I ran out of paint so will need to pick up another gallon when I go to town in the morning.  Felt good to have a project to do today.  I’m pleased with how the room is looking painted.  I’m doing the ceiling, walls and floor all in the same shade of gray.  Makes painting easy when you don’t have to cut a line.  I have to paint the ceiling tomorrow and am not looking forward to that.

I went to visit a friend this afternoon.  My friend had a group of six women over for happy hour.  It does me good to get out and visit with others but it feels so good to be back home in my quiet space afterwards.  Since I was in Cottonwood Falls, I took and dumped recycling and picked up more distilled water from Dollar General.  I checked at Walgreens today but they are out of distilled water.  Walmart is still out of it too.  Not sure what is causing the shortage of distilled water.  Grateful to have found it at Dollar General.

Tomorrow I am meeting a high school classmate for breakfast in Emporia.  I will stop and get the paint I need to finish the safe room while I am in town.  Tomorrow afternoon a group of us are gathering at my house to finally celebrate Solstice.  Our celebration got delayed due to weather in December and then a funeral last week delayed us again.  Oh well, better late than never.

I rode the bike for 15 minutes today.  I read a book while I am on the bike and the time goes by quickly.  It feels so good to be back exercising and eating on plan.  I really do feel better when those two things happen regularly and am never sure why I quit doing them.  My checklist is really helping me stay focused and I am taking better care of myself than I have for a long time.

I don’t have anything else on my calendar for several days after tomorrow.  Not sure what I will find to do with myself.  I like projects but am struggling to find one to do.  I do need to start working on tax preparation for my 2022 taxes.  Maybe I can get that started Thursday  I’m glad I will have taxes to do coming up soon as that will give me something to do several times a week.

Grateful to be back on eating and exercise plan, grateful most of the safe room got painted today, and grateful for friends to visit with.

 

 

I had trouble sleeping last night so finally got up and took a hot bath number 2 for the night.  Then I took a sleeping aid pill.  I finally fell asleep and slept long and hard.  I didn’t get up until almost noon today.  I ate breakfast, put a load of laundry in the washer and then fell asleep in my chair and slept some more.

This evening I am a bit disoriented and foggy.  I finally had lunch at 6:00 – or maybe that was dinner?  Still having trouble waking up and getting out of my chair to do anything.  Guess I will chalk this day up as a crash and burn day and continue doing nothing.  Wonder if I will sleep tonight?

Grateful for the sleep, grateful I had nothing on my calendar for the day, and grateful I had the luxury of taking a do nothing day.

This has been a rest and recovery day for me.  I finally got all the dishes ran through the dishwasher and the kitchen restored to normal.  Did a couple loads of laundry and mopped the kitchen floor.

A friend came over this morning and we had a nice visit.  She is going through a situation similar to mine although hers is a bit more complicated.  Maybe what I went through will be able to let me help others.  So grateful I am on the other side of things now.

I called Verizon to get their help in getting my new Apple Watch working.  Their automatic phone system is a mess.  It took four calls before I could get through to get connected to a person.  I attempted to use their call back feature but I couldn’t get it to work.  I finally talked to someone who did some troubleshooting but couldn’t resolve the issue.  She transferred me to someone else.  That person had me hang up and she called me back.  At that point I had been on the line for 45 minutes.  I was afraid she wouldn’t call back but she did.  I had to hang up and she called me back four times until my watch finally started working.  The whole process took over 1 1/2 hours.  Not impressed Verizon!

I changed the batteries in all the smoke detectors in the house today.  I still need to do the one in the garage and then that project can be crossed off my to-do list.

I had to write out a chart of things that I need to do daily, weekly and monthly for myself.  I seemed to have a bit of a scattered brain and was struggling to remember to do routine things.  This is my third day using the checklist and am finding it helpful.  I have even gotten back to riding my bike.  I started with 6 minutes and am adding a minute a day.  Feels good to be back in the saddle again with exercise and with my eating plan.  Evidently the trauma of what I have been through for the last six months was greater than I realized as I had stopped some of my daily self-care routines and hadn’t even realized it.

I cleaned out my pantry today and found a bunch of food items that were out dated and a bunch that I will never use.  Feels good to have more space in the pantry and know that what I do have is useable.

I went to the Dollar General store in Cottonwood Falls and got more distilled water for my humidifiers.  I need to price shop for distilled water next time I am in Emporia.  I don’t like spending what I am spending weekly on distilled water.  Hoping I can find it cheaper somewhere else.

I’m still basking in the love from yesterday.  It was one of the better Christmas gatherings we have had.  I so enjoyed it and trust the kids did too.  I’ll have to plan another family day sometime soon and get them all back together again.

I need to go to Cottonwood Falls tomorrow or Tuesday and dump my recycling.    I sure seem to find lots of things to recycle.  I should have taken it today when I went but I didn’t think about it.

Feeling stronger and more like myself each and everyday.  It is going to take me some time to totally recover from the trauma of the last couple of years.  This down time with not much on my calendar and lots of empty space is good for me right now.  I’m still feeling a bit fragile and get easily overwhelmed with life.  But I feel like I have made lots of progress these last two months and am on the right path to healing and growing.

Grateful my watch is working correctly, grateful a friend trusted me to share her journey with me, and grateful I am back on track in caring for myself.

 

Christmas is finally over.  The kids all came home this afternoon and we had our family Christmas.  We all watched the Chiefs game, ate soup and snacked on Christmas cookies and candies.  It was fun for me to watch the kids interact with each other and enjoy themselves.

We don’t do the present thing except for the little ones.  The adults do a white elephant exchange which is fun.  This year I gave each of my kids a family heirloom.  Jason got my dad’s pocket watch, Michelle got the wooden horse that belonged to my mother’s father, and Nicole got the oil lamp that belonged to my great grandparents.  They all seemed to appreciate the family history behind the gift they got.

We played two games.  The first was a red solo cup game.  Hidden underneath the cups were a variety of prizes.  Most had a few pieces of candy, four had $25 gift certificates to restaurants, and a few others had little gifts.  A couple cups had steal, trade or give away.  The kids had fun playing it.  The other game was picking out candy canes from a basket.  Most of the candy canes had numbers on them and the prize for the candy canes that had a number on them was an envelope with cash in it.  Some were worth $1, some $3, some $5, some $10 and some $20.  A couple of the kids raked in the cash.

It was so fun to have all the kids here for the afternoon and evening.  I so enjoy their company.  It was fun to relax, watch the football game, and visit with them.

I’m glad Christmas is over for this season though.  Christmas is not my favorite time of the year and it feels good to have it done with.  The best part of Christmas is the family gathering and enjoying each other.

I got rid of all of the Christmas treats.  I managed to get all of what I had on my list made.  I made peanut brittle and potato candy today.  Glad all of that stuff is out of the house.  I don’t eat any of it but I have moments of being tempted.

Tomorrow I will do a bit of housecleaning and finish cleaning up the kitchen.  I put one load of dishes in the dishwasher and will have at least one more load to do in the morning.  This house cleans up quickly after events like this one.  I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so will have plenty of time to get things cleaned up.

Tagen turns 17 in another week or so.  I gave him his birthday present today.  He seemed pleased with it.  I can’t believe Tagen is going to be 17.  Where does time go?

Next week will feel a bit strange to me as I won’t have this event today to look forward to.  I have lots of empty space on my calendar next week.  I’m going to have to figure out what to do with myself.

Grateful for my kids and their families, grateful the kids appreciated their family heirloom gift, and grateful Christmas is over.

Another productive day for me today.  I woke up at 3:00 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I got up and make Eclairs for our dessert on Saturday and cooked the chicken for the soup I am making.  Went back to bed around 4:30 and was able to get a second sleep.

Made and frosted sugar cookies this morning.  It wasn’t as much fun this year as I didn’t have my grandchildren helping me.  It just didn’t work out for them to do that this year.

Went to lunch with a dear friend.  I always enjoy time with my friends.  I hadn’t talked to anyone for a couple of days so was nice to have conversation with someone other than myself.  We were the only lunch customers at the Grand today.

When I got home from lunch the Locksmith came and installed the key pad lock on the back door.  Now I can secure the house when I am away.  Grateful to cross that project off my pending list.

I made a batch of New Year’s Cookies this afternoon.  Trust they turned out OK.  They look good.  The house has a fried oil smell to it now though.  I’ll have to put some essential oil in the humidifier and clear the air.

I have three more treats to make if I find the energy and time.  Tomorrow morning I am making two different soups for dinner tomorrow night.  I should have some time after I get the soups made to make them.  I do need to get some cleaning done though so we will see what I get done tonight.  I may have to cross the other treats off my list.

The distilled water in the humidifier seems to not be leaving a white film on things.  Not sure I want to spend the money to buy distilled water though.  I’ll have to price shop around town and see who has the best price on it.

I’m excited the kids are all coming tomorrow for our Christmas.  Those are the best days when they come home for a meal and time together.

I have a honey do list for them to do tomorrow.  Little do they know that is their payment for a meal!  Ha!  I need some furniture moved and some smoke detector batteries replaced.  They are much taller than I am and stronger so they will make short work of the few things I need done.

I haven’t heard from the guttering guy.  Guess he isn’t going to make it out here this week or if he did, he didn’t tell me.  I will call him again next week if I still haven’t heard from him.

I need to go to Verizon next week and get my Apple Watch working.  I got a new one and I can’t make or receive phone calls on it.  Not sure what I did wrong when I was loading it.  I got the watch that is to make calls even when you are not close to your phone.  Sure hope Verizon can get it going for me.

I will have lots of free time on my hands the next couple of weeks.  Trying to figure out what to do with it.  I will start getting busier once I start doing taxes a couple days a week.  I think that starts mid February.  I don’t do as well when I don’t have things on my calendar at least a couple days a week.  Too much time alone is not healthy for me.  Hard to find the balance of that sometimes though.

Grateful the lock got installed today, grateful some more treats got made, and grateful for the time I spent with my dear friend.

 

I had to get up early this morning as Belle needed to be at the Vet’s office by 8:00.  She is so fat she can’t groom herself and the coat on her back was matted and ugly looking.  They had to sedate her so they could shave her.  She wasn’t too happy with me this morning when I put her in the crate carrier.  I’m glad it isn’t freezing out as she has no fur left.  I’m not sure she will trust me enough to come back inside for a day or two.  Maybe Roxy, her buddy, will help keep her warm tonight.

When the Vet called to tell me they were done with her treatment she asked me if I had considered putting Belle on a diet.  I told the Vet that Belle spends the majority of her time outside and eats dog food more than cat food.  The Vet agreed that it would be impossible to ration her food unless I turned Belle into an indoor cat only.  Belle would hate that as she rarely comes inside.

I stopped at Walmart this morning after I dropped Belle off and picked up a few more things.  They were out of one of the things I needed.  I got the prescription that the nurse on Wednesday had screwed up.  Grateful that got taken care of.

I made a batch of fudge, chocolate covered peanut butter balls, Ritz cracker treats and dipped some pretzels in chocolate today.  It must have been Chocolate Day on the prairie.  Good to have those things crossed off my list.  Still need to make a few more goodies this evening and tomorrow but it feels like I might be ready for the family Saturday afternoon now.

When I went back to town this afternoon to pick up Belle I stopped and filled the car with gas, got some bourbon to make bourbon slush, stopped at Dollar General to get some distilled water that Walmart was out of, and then picked up another prescription that Walmart had been out of this morning.  It was a productive trip to town.  I also got some Vodka.  I make my own vanilla and needed some more vodka to top off the bottle of vodka/vanilla that I already have made.  If I keep the bottle topped off I don’t have to start from scratch making it.

I am running two humidifiers and am finding that my hard water is leaving a white coating on the surrounding area of the humidifiers.  I am going to try using distilled water and see if that helps.  I have been seeing sparks when I turn a light switch on as the house has been so dry.  I am not so stuffed up running the humidifier so they are helping but I don’t like the white coating on the floor.

I’m meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow.  That will be a treat for me.  It has been a day or two since I have talked to anyone.

The locksmith is to come tomorrow and install the key pad lock on the back door.  Trusting he will be able to come and get that done.  It has been on my to-do list for over three months.  The guttering guy hasn’t let me know when he is coming.  It seems like these little projects get dragged out longer than they should.

I was able to eat on plan today for the first time in a long time.  I have gained 12 pounds the last three months primarily from stress eating.  Time to get back on the wagon and get those 12 pounds off and hopefully 10 more after that.  I would like to get back down to what I was a while back.  I am finding it hard to stick to my eating plan these days.  It feels good to have had one successful day.  Maybe tomorrow I can do it again.  One day at a time and I will get there.

I have been offering myself extra grace these last three months and allowing myself to do what I needed to do to get through this difficult time.  My emotional bandwidth was stretched thin and there were only so many challenges I could handle in a day.  Eating on plan didn’t hit my priority list.  Trusting it is time to put it back on now that the dust is settling from the divorce.

Grateful Belle got taken care of today, grateful some Christmas treats got made today, and grateful to have had a successful eating day on plan.

I have had a much better day today.  Woke up feeling more like myself today.  I have managed to stay home all day and that helped.

I got some paperwork taken care of today that had been patiently waiting for me to take care of.  Cleaned downstairs and have done about all I need to do down there.  Still need to move some furniture around but need some help for that so will wait and do that when the kids are here Saturday.

Phil came and worked on repairing the ruts in the back yard that were caused when the U-Haul Jim was loading got stuck.  Then the tow truck got stuck trying to pull out the U-Haul and created even more ruts.  Phil still has some work to do but got some of them taken care of today and he also hauled the last load of Jim’s stuff away from the barn.

I called and requested a guy come look at the guttering that got broken during the move.  Not sure when they are coming but the lady said they would try to get out this week.  Friday the new lock gets installed on the back door.  Maybe both things will get taken care of the same day.

Got the rest of the Christmas presents wrapped and one of the games we are going to play set up.  Now I need to get baking and get the Christmas treats made.  I will start that this evening and spend a lot of time tomorrow and Friday in the kitchen cooking.

I took Jim’s name off the mailbox and put up new letters for my name.  It seems like I have a lot of little projects like that to take care of and it feels good to get some of them done.

Tomorrow morning I have to have Belle at the Vet’s office before 8:30.  She needs to be sedated so they can clean up her back.  She is so fat she can’t clean her coat and it is matted and nasty looking.  While she is there they are going to give her her annual shots.  We couldn’t catch her when we took the others to the vet a month or so ago.  I will pick her up late afternoon.  Get to make two trips to town tomorrow.  On one of the trips I need to stop and pick up a few more things for Saturday and a prescription that is ready to be picked up.

I enjoyed the sunshine today.  It warmed up to 44 out.  The wind finally slowed down a bit and it was a beautiful day on the prairie.

I got up early this morning and happened to look to the west.  I caught the moon setting.  I rarely get to see that so it was a treat.  The moon will be full Friday so it was nice and big this morning as it set.  I don’t think I had ever seen a moon set before I moved to this house.

I’m still adjusting to living alone again.  Jim has been out of the house since November 6 so it has been almost two months.  I haven’t been doing a good job of fixing myself meals.  I keep thinking today is the day I will do that and it rarely happens.  Meal times seem to be hard for me right now.  I will get over it and things will get easier in time.

I do enjoy the clutter free house I have now.  It seems to be staying cleaner and taking less of my time to keep up.  I can sense the energy of the house is lightening up and becoming more relaxing for me.  I enjoy the silence and am grateful I can play any type of music I am in the mood to listen to again.  I still forget I have a TV in the living room and don’t watch it much.  When I remember, I enjoy watching a movie sometimes.  I do find it hard to sit and do nothing when a movie is on though.  I rarely watch a TV program but it is nice to know I could if I wanted to.  I much prefer soft music playing then a TV on.

Grateful for a better day today, grateful I was able to cross some things off my to-do list today, and grateful for the beauty of a setting moon this morning.

This has not been one of my better days.  I went to bed at 5:00 last night and slept until midnight.  Then I was up until 4:30.  I got two more hours of sleep and got up at 6:30.

I felt totally drained this morning.  I think the drama of the last two weeks caught up with me and I needed a slow-down day to help my body, mind and spirit get caught up with each other.

I went to Emporia this morning to deposit a rent check and I stopped at Reeble’s North to get some things for Saturday.  They had everything that Walmart had been out of.  On the way home, I stopped and picked up Ellexia and brought her home with me for the day.

Ellexia helped me make a big batch of Chex Mix for Saturday.  It is a family tradition that the kids each get a bag of Chex Mix for part of their Christmas present.

I sent a message to my Endocrinologist that I needed a prescription refill.  The same nurse screwed it up yet again.  She sent a prescription for the wrong medication with the wrong dosage again.  I called the office and had to wait for over 15 minutes to get to talk to someone.  By then I was so angry I was crying.  The nurse that answered the phone was competent, unlike the nurse that sent the wrong prescription.  This nurse fixed it and promised to inform my Doctor about the mix up.  I told the nurse that if this happens again I am changing Doctors.  I don’t know how they can call in the wrong medication at the wrong dosage every time I need a refill.  It has happened at least four times in a row now – and it may be five times.  The nurse gave me a direct line for their office so I shouldn’t have to wait on hold so long next time.

When I take Ellexia home this evening I will stop and pick up the prescription.  I hope they gave me several months worth so I don’t have to go through this again next month.

I haven’t gotten anything else done today.  It has definitely been a rest and recovery day for me.  Guess with what all has gone on around here the last couple of weeks, I was due for a day like today. I kinda crashed and burned today.

I got a call from the lady that manages the AARP tax program.  I told her I would love to help with taxes this year.  Not sure when the training will be but I’m excited she called and look forward to doing taxes.  Trusting Covid doesn’t shut us down again this year.

Some days are easier than others.  This has been one of the hard ones.  I’m tired, cranky and ready to bite someone’s head off.  And this too shall pass.

Ellexia and I noticed the barn door was open so we walked down to see why.  We were caught a bit off guard when we walked outside.  The temperature must have dropped 10 degrees and with the wind it was a cold walk down to the barn.  Phil had come back for another load from the barn.  He will have one more load after this one.  He will end up hauling away six pickup and six trailers full of Jim’s leftover stuff.  So grateful it is going away and I didn’t have to find a pickup and haul it away myself.

Trusting tomorrow will be a better day and I will get some things done.  Christmas is Saturday for my family and I have a list of things that need to get done before then.  May have to revisit my list and see what can not get done.  Today was not the day to push myself to do something I wasn’t in the mood to do.

Grateful Ellexia came out to play with me today, grateful I found a competent nurse to fix the mistake the other nurse made, and grateful another load of stuff left the property today.

 

Had a nice drive through the fog to Council Grove late morning.  I met a friend for lunch and a nice long visit.  It is a wonderful thing to be able to share my journey with someone that gets it.  As always, we had a great visit and I enjoyed our time together.

Drove home and went to Emporia to pick some things up for our family Christmas that will be held Saturday.  I also got some binders so I could finish up a project that had been sitting on my desk for a bit.  Got that project taken care of this afternoon.  I love when I can finish up projects that have been sitting for a bit.

The fog has continued all day today.  I had to use my wipers to and from Council Grove but not sure we have gotten very much moisture.  I was hoping for a good, long rain but we didn’t get that.  I will take what ever moisture we get though.  Grateful the temperatures were well above freezing and the roads did not get slick.

The store in Emporia was out of a couple things I needed.  I’m still not used to shortages.  I guess I could have stopped at a different store but wanted to get home.  I will need to go back to Emporia later this week and will check again for the things they were out of today.  If they don’t have them by then, I will need to go to a different store to find them.

I haven’t gotten any more cleaning done today.  I may still get downstairs this evening and do another floor or two.  It is so nice to walk downstairs and see open space and empty rooms.  I don’t have anything on my calendar this week so have plenty of time to get everything cleaned before Saturday.

I had ordered a lock set for my back door about two months ago.  The locksmith finally called today and told me they had gotten it in and will be out Friday to install it.  Kinda late for what I wanted it for but grateful it will be taken care of soon.  This will enable me to be able to secure the house when I am gone.  Living out here by myself I need to become more aware of personal safety and to take reasonable precautions.

I’m tired this afternoon.  I may go to bed early again.  I was in bed by 8:00 last night.  I finally got a good night’s sleep last night.  Seems like when I do get sleep, it makes me feel more tired the next day.  Wonder if I can sleep for two nights in a row?  That would be a miracle if that happened.

I fixed my Apple Watch.  I was having trouble pairing it to my new iPhone.  I turned my iPhone off and then back on and tried pairing my watch and it worked.  My watch is four or five years old and will need replaced this year as they will no longer do updates for it sometime later this year.  Gotta love how technology changes so fast that your devices get outdated before they wear out.

Grateful for time with a dear friend, grateful I got my watch paired, and grateful for the moisture the prairie is receiving.

 

I had to think a minute when I typed the year.  It will take me a bit to get used to writing 2023.  Happy New Year’s!

I had another productive day.  Phil came and got the last of the stuff that needed to go away.  He took five pickup loads plus five full trailers of stuff.  Some of the stuff he will attempt to sell, some he will gave away and most will go to the dump. It feels so good to have the house, garage and barn free of clutter and stuff.  I now need to get the garage and barn cleaned and reset with the little that remains.  I smiled when I drove in the garage tonight.

I helped load one of the loads today.  I needed to show Phil what stayed (very little) and what needed to go.  I’m grateful it was nice outside today.

I cleaned some more on the lower level today and rearranged furniture.  Did some touch-up painting to cover some holes that had been put in the wall to secure some bookcases.   Still have lots of cleaning to do but making progress.

A friend invited me over this afternoon for a meal of black-eyed pea soup and cabbage steaks.  Yummy!  It was nice to get out and interact with others for a bit.  Sometimes the quiet is too quiet out here on the hill.

I wrapped a few Christmas presents today.  Have a few more to wrap but I have until Saturday to get them done.

Keith came over and picked up his fudge, peanut brittle, and New Year’s Cookies.  He took Chad’s with him and will deliver those for me.  Good to have that stuff out of the house.  I need to make one more batch of them for Saturday and then I can quit Christmas baking.

Another friend got hold of me this evening and invited me to meet her in Council Grove tomorrow.  It is a halfway place for us to meet up at.  It will be fun to take a drive and have lunch with her.

Thinking it will be an early bedtime for me tonight.  I am tired for some reason tonight.  I managed to stay up till midnight last night but was up and going before 6:00 this morning.  Some nights I have trouble finding sleep and last night was one of those nights.  Maybe tonight I will sleep better.

I need to go to Emporia when I come home from Council Grove tomorrow and run a few errands.  I have a couple little projects I am working on and need some supplies to get those finished up and off my desk.

Clearing out the clutter from the garage and barn has been good for my soul.  It has reminded me to let go of things that are not useful so I can make room for new things to come in.  I still have too much stuff in the house and need to let go of some more things.  The house is easier to keep clean when there is less stuff to work around.  I can also find things easier when my drawers and closets are not so full.

Grateful for Phil and the work he did to remove all the extra stuff from my property, grateful for friends that invite me out, and grateful the lower level is getting cleaned.

This has been a busy day.  I tracked down the two dogs and two cats and gave them their flea and tic medication and also gave the dogs their HeartGuard.  That usually is a day’s work for me.

I made a batch of fudge, peanut brittle and New Year’s Cookies to take to my two brothers in Lebo tomorrow.  I think all three things turned out OK – I don’t eat any of it so can’t taste test it.

Phil and his wife came and cleared out the remaining items from the basement.  He hauled away the big pile of trash that was downstairs along with a bunch of shelving units that had been left behind.  He filled his truck and trailer with things from the basement and then came back and took another big load out of the garage.  He is coming back tomorrow afternoon to get another load out of the garage and then will need to clear out the remaining items from the barn.  I am betting that will take at least three more trips if not more.

It will be so nice to have a cleared out garage and barn.  I will need to clean both of them and reorganize what little is left.  It will make me smile every time I pull into the garage now.  It was so cluttered before I could never find what I needed.  Clutter bothers me.  I hate when I can’t find something, especially when there is too much stuff to look through.

The house is totally cleared out now so I can finish cleaning the downstairs and resetting the rooms.  The house feels lighter to me now.  It will be so nice when I get it all cleaned and reset.  I can breathe again!  I do need to move some furniture around but that may have to wait until I have some help to carry a couple things upstairs.

I stopped at Verizon and got a new phone yesterday.  My old iPhone was a Model 8 and was starting to freeze up on me.  I got a 14.  I almost have everything working on it.  Still haven’t figured out how to pair my Apple Watch to the new iPhone.  Will have to go to Verizon on Tuesday and have them help me.  The new phone is just a tad bigger than my old one but thankfully still fits in the pocket of my purse.  It operates like my new iPad so now I won’t get confused switching between the iPad and iPhone.

I am tired tonight.  I didn’t take much time to sit and do nothing today.  It felt good to have an active day and get lots accomplished.  I haven’t had too many days like that lately.  Tomorrow I hope to get some cleaning done as well as helping Phil clear out the barn.  I have all week free so should get the rest of the cleaning done next week.

We are having our family Christmas Saturday, January 7.  I am almost ready for it.  I still need to get one more gift and I also need to get some prizes for one of the games we will play.  I know what I am going to fix for food and need to make a grocery list and get what I need to fix dinner.  Friday I will fix some fudge, peanut brittle and New Year’s Cookies for the kids.  I also need to make a batch of Chex Mix.  It will be fun to have all the kids over for dinner on the 7th and to spend some time with them.  I always have a fun time with them.

I don’t make New Years Resolutions but I do choose a word for the year.  This coming year my word is going to be Balance.  I learned through the situation with Jim that I had become unbalanced in several different ways on several different levels.  Strengths can become weaknesses if you don’t stay balanced.  Taking care of myself first instead of taking care of others first is not something that comes easily to me.  But I learned this year that when I get unbalanced in that regard, I end up not taking care of myself or the other person as I get too depleted.  The saying “you can’t pour from an empty pitcher” sure makes sense to me now.  My task for the new year will be to check in with myself on a daily bases to make sure my inner pitcher is full.

Grateful for Phil and his wife and the work they did today, grateful the clutter in house and garage is being cleared out, and grateful the baking I did today turned out OK.

 

I haven’t been blogging for a bit.  Needed to take a break and do life for a bit.  I have made some major life changes and needed privacy and time to sort everything out.  Things are still a little upside down but starting to settle down.

I filed for divorce the last week of October.  Jim left our home on November 6 and returned to Stillwater, OK where he is buying a new house.  Our divorce was finalize yesterday, December 29.

There are still some moving parts to finalize and work through but for the most part the worst is behind me.  I look forward to turning a new page on January 1, 2023 and starting the year off with a clean slate.

I am continuing to see my mental health counselor.  She has been wonderful helping me through this process and encouraging me to find the strength to do what was best for me.  As a chronic people pleaser and co-dependent person, that can be hard for me to do.

Have spent lots of time today downstairs cleaning.  Jim cleared out the last of his belongings yesterday so now I can clean the basement and reset the house.  I am using this time to go through my belongings and weed out the things I no longer want/need.

I haven’t made any long-term decisions about what I am going to do yet.  I need to let the dust settle and get in a better mental and physical state before I make any decisions.  I will be nesting here this winter and then deciding come spring time if I want to stay in this house or do something different.

I want to give a shout out to my family and friends that have walked this difficult path with me.  Every need I had was met almost before I knew I had a need.  I have never felt so supported before.  I only can hope that I can return the favor to all that have supported me through this.  It has made this difficult time much easier.

It will be good to get back to blogging on a daily bases.  I have missed writing as that is one way I use to process my feelings and thoughts.  It’s good to be back!

Grateful for all the love and support I have been given from my friends and family these last three months, grateful the divorce was settled without having to go to court, and grateful for new beginnings that await me.

Had a wonderful weekend away.  It felt like a respite of sorts.  I came home emotionally stronger than I have been for a long time.  I am starting to remember who “I am” again.  That feels good!

Tomorrow I go to Wichita for another counseling session.  I am looking forward to this one.  I have a long list of things to discuss with my counselor.  I’m anxious to hear what she has to say.  Wednesday I have an appointment in Emporia in the afternoon.  Taking baby steps to come back home to myself.

Have a touch of a sore throat that started yesterday.  It isn’t any worse today than yesterday so hoping it is just allergies.  It is the time of year that allergies kick in for me.  I took some decongestion medication and that seems to help.  I am so run down I wouldn’t be surprised if I caught a bug of some sort.  Crossing my fingers that didn’t happen.

Monday morning I have one more phone call to make so I can make another appointment.  It will be good to get that one on my calendar and get that taken care of too. Maybe this week will be clean-up week and I will get some loose ends tied up so progress can begin.

A dear friend that I have never met in person but is like a Soul Sister reached out to me yesterday via Facebook Messenger.  She lost her father last week and still took the time and effort to reach out to me.  Her love and support means the world to me.

I got a bit more sleep last night then I have been getting.  I may take a nap this afternoon – we will see if I can stay awake and then go to bed early.  Sleep has been very hard for me to find lately.

Grateful for a respite weekend, grateful for Soul Sisters, and grateful to be on the climb back up the ladder of wholeness.

 

 

Had trouble finding sleep last night.  I couldn’t get my mind to shut off.  Usually when I can’t sleep my mind is quiet but last night it was on speed.  Makes for a long night when that happens.  May go take a nap in a bit to see if I can sleep.

Went to Emporia late morning.  I wanted to get something from a store downtown but they were having the Trick or Treat event downtown and there were little ghosts and goblins everywhere.  No parking to be found  and way too many people around for my liking so I didn’t get what I came to town to get.  I’ll get it another day.

I had lunch while I was in town and then went over to check on Tagen.  He decided some Spaghetti O’s, bananas and applesauce sounded good so I went to the grocery store to get those for him.  Took them back to him and then headed out.

Talked to Nicole for an hour today.  She and Geoff just got back from a wonderful trip to Greece and it was fun to hear all about it.  They had a great time and the weather was perfect for them.  I look forward to seeing all the pictures she took.  Nicole is a wonderful photographer and catches things most people miss.

Started knitting a baby blanket today.  I needed something to do while I listened to some podcasts and videos.  Have one of six repeats done on the blanket.  It feels good to have picked up my needles again.

I slowly feel my strength and power coming back in.  Man was I empty and drained.  I will spend some time at my counseling session Monday having the counselor help me figure out how I allowed myself to get so empty.  It was one of those things that happened a bit at a time and by the time I noticed, I couldn’t stop the draining process.  I can’t remember ever feeling this empty before.  I was starting to question my own sanity which feels a bit scary to me now.

I had an episode of severe depression about 20 years ago and that was a totally different feeling.  This wasn’t due to depression.  I am starting to understand what happened and now need to figure out how to stop it from ever happening again.  I take full responsibility for it as I didn’t value myself enough.  Boundaries are a big thing for me to learn how to navigate and manage as they will help me not allow this to happen again.  I didn’t keep myself important enough and gave too much of myself away.  Hopefully I have learned my lesson.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow so will have another rest and recover day.  Monday I go see my counselor.  Wednesday the furnace guy is coming to do the winter check on the furnace in the morning and I have an appointment in Emporia in the afternoon.

It is a beautiful day in KS today.  The fall colors are wonderful and the air is crisp.  I think I will go take a walk and then attempt a nap.

Grateful Tagen is feeling better, grateful for the life lessons I am learning, and grateful Nicole and Geoff had a safe trip home.

Last night Tagen had to go to ER as he had been running a temperature of 102 and over for four days and nights.  He was diagnosed with strep throat on Monday and was not getting better.  He was having trouble swallowing.  Thank heavens Michelle is a nurse and realized he needed some more medical attention.

He was diagnosed with an abscess starting to form on his tonsils.  They gave him fluids, an IV antibiotic and some steroids.  They spent almost 8 hours in the ER.  His fever finally broke during the night and he was feeling better today.

Michelle had to take him to their family doctor this afternoon so she asked me to pick up Ellexia after school.  I picked Ellexia up and one of her friends.  We took the friend home and then I took Ellexia to get a snack.

By the time I got Ellexia home, Michelle and Tagen were back from the doctor.  Tagen needed to take an antibiotic pill but was having trouble getting it down.  Michelle broke it open and put it in some pudding.  He took one bite and was having trouble getting the courage to eat the rest of it.  I picked up the spoon and fed him like I did when he was a baby.  I think it shocked him and he opened his mouth and swallowed it down before he could think about it!  Go G!

He hasn’t eaten much for the last couple of days.  He said a hot fudge shake from DQ sounded good so I went to get him one if he would agree to take a shower while I was gone.  He agreed to the deal and off I went.  By the time I got back with the shake and some DQ sandwiches and Dilly Bars, he had taken a shower.  He hadn’t felt good enough to shower for the last couple of days.  Somehow a shower and clean sheets on a bed helps you feel better when you have been sick for a bit.

I sure hope his troubles are behind him and he starts to heal.  If he starts running a temperature again he has to go back to ER to get admitted.  He was referred to an ENT doctor and I am betting having his tonsils out will be in his near future.

While I was in town I stopped by the Hospice office and had my TB test read.  No reaction so that was quick and easy.  I stopped and had lunch.

It felt good to be of use and help to the kiddos.  It has been a while since they have needed G.

It has been a beautiful fall day today.  The temperature reached 70 and the skies are bright blue.  The trees are beautiful with their red, orange and yellow leaves.

Grateful Tagen is feeling better, grateful I got to spend a little time with Ellexia, and grateful my TB test was negative.

This has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I went to Cottonwood Falls and voted this morning.  I had a short visit with the Election Clerk.  I thanked her for her service and she shared with me a bit about what she has to go through with some election denier voters.  She has my sympathy and compassion.  Not sure why people have to treat her so badly sometimes and not sure why people think the elections are not fair and safe.

I am exhausted.  I finally got some sleep in two parts last night but feel utterly exhausted today.  I laid down this afternoon to take a nap but couldn’t fall asleep.  It was good to lay down and rest though.

I made one of two appointments that needed to be made.  Maybe tomorrow I can make the second one.  The first one was more important so am grateful it has been made.

Today has been cloudy and windy and a bit chilly.  It is in the lower 60’s but doesn’t feel that warm outside.  I turned the fireplace on to try to warm up a bit.  I have felt cold all day.

Tomorrow I have to go to Emporia in the afternoon to have my TB test checked.  So far it is just a small looking bruise so thinking it will be negative.  I had a reaction to one years ago that was negative but something in the shot caused an allergic reaction on my skin.  Grateful that didn’t happen this time.

Grateful for a quiet day, grateful for the privilege of voting, and grateful I can rest as needed.

Had counseling yesterday.  Came home exhausted and was in bed before 8:00 last night.  I am having a great deal of difficulty finding sleep these days.  Got a bit last night but not enough.

Today I went to my Hospice training class.  It was OK.  I certainly learned a lot more during my Death Doula class but that was a much longer class.  I had a skin TB test today and go back Friday to have them read that.  They have do to a background check and then in a couple of weeks they will assign my first patient.  The way they operate I wouldn’t be surprised if it will be the first of next year before they get back in touch.  Maybe they will surprise me and call sooner than that.

Counseling went OK Tuesday.  The counselor does a nice job of hearing and validating what I am saying.  Not sure we are anywhere close to resolving anything yet but it is nice to know that I am not mentally unstable and that she understands what my issues are and that they are legit.  She assigned some homework but it doesn’t feel safe for me to attempt to do it.  When I told her that she understood.   I go back next week and am guessing that it will be more productive.

I had a good conversation with her about boundaries.  I had watched a YouTube about boundaries that dealt with what to do if someone doesn’t honor your requested boundary.  The speaker on the video said you either learn to live with it not being honored or you need to make a choice to discontinue the relationship.  She stressed you also have a choice when someone imposes a boundary on you if you want to honor that boundary or not.  Somehow that gave me some breathing space and opened some options up to me.  I have the right to reject a boundary request and someone else can reject my request.  I had never looked at boundaries that way before.

I was able to clearly state my need to work on myself and what I considered were some of my boundaries.  I saw in myself the results of not setting boundaries before and giving too much of myself away.  I have a better understanding of why I am where I am now and why I got so empty.  I have to take care of myself first.  When my pail is empty I am of no good to anyone, myself included.  She helped me see how my pail got holes in it and my energy got depleted.

I have been a life-long people pleaser and have been generous to others.  I now see the flip side of those behaviors.  Every behavior has a head and tail.  A strength can become a weakness if things get out of balance.  I was horribly out of balance and my strengths had flipped to weaknesses.

I am thinking about getting away for the weekend and giving myself some space to process and think.  I go back to Wichita Monday for another counseling session so will need to be home Sunday evening.  I have to have my TB test read Friday but could go somewhere for the weekend after that.  Now to decide where to go.  Ideas anyone?

Stopped at Home Depot and got a different color of deck paint.  This color works so may do some deck painting tomorrow if I can get some sleep tonight.  I am so tired right now that I’m not sure I would do a very good job painting and what I have to paint is deck railing and that needs my full attention.

I need to make a couple of appointments for next week when I find the energy to make some phone calls.  I am too drained to do so today.

My social security check got deposited in the old checking account and then transferred to the new one the bank set up after the attempted bank fraud.  I’m grateful the bank handled it properly.  That was the last bank activity that I knew of that needed to happened with the old, compromised account so they closed that account out.  Glad to have that mess behind me.

Thinking tonight will be another early to bed night.  Trusting tonight will be the night that I can get some good sleep.  I don’t have anything on my calendar for tomorrow so maybe I can relax and rest.

Grateful for my counselor, grateful for the insights I am getting into my inner workings, and grateful for the work Hospice does for the dying and their families.

It has been a great day.  I met with two dear friends this morning.  It was an incredible experience to be heard, seen and validated. They were compassionate, kind, and generous with their offers of help, support, and love.  It meant the world to me.   Not sure how I could do life right now without my kids and friends.

I meet with my counselor tomorrow and will see what happens there.  Today helped me find the words to share with the counselor tomorrow.  Trusting that a path forward will open to me soon.  Right now it feels like I have a huge mountain to climb.  I guess if I can walk 500 miles I can climb this mountain – right?

This is becoming a test of my patience and a lesson in remembering to stay out of anticipation.  One step at a time, one day at a time, things will be resolved and revealed.

I’m excited about my Hospice training that is going to happen on Wednesday.  I had sent them my application to become a volunteer in July.  I will be interested to know what happens after training and how quickly I will get assigned some clients to visit and support.  I need a diversion right now and getting back to my Death Doula material may be what I need.  I always feel better about myself when I am in service to others.

The prairie got some much needed rain today.  Jim is working on repairing our deck railing so our rain gauge is down so not sure how much rain we got.  There were some nice puddles to drive through this morning when I went to my friend’s house.  We may get more rain later this week.

I took a nap yesterday afternoon and sleep was hard to find last night.  I made myself stay awake this afternoon so I could sleep better tonight.  We will see how that plan works out.  Rainy days make me sleepy, especially when I only got about two hours of sleep last night.

Grateful for the love and support my friends showed me today, grateful for a new understanding of what I need to do, and grateful for the rain that fell on the prairie today.

Had a nice day today.  I felt more like myself than I have for a long time.  I got some cleaning done this morning and took a nap this afternoon.  I have been a bit sleep deprived so it felt good to get some sleep.

Tomorrow I am meeting two dear friends for coffee and a good long visit in the morning.  Tuesday I go to Wichita to my mental health counselor.  Wednesday I have training to become a Hospice Volunteer.  It will be a busy week which is what I need right now.

We had a 49.2 wind gust this afternoon.  The wind has been in a big rush all day today.  Sure hope it blows in some rain.  It is so dry I worry about fires.  A fire would be very hard to stop and control with the wind and dry conditions.

Taking things one day at a time right now.  Hard to look too far ahead and know what is going to happen.  It is a good lesson on Being Here Now!  All I can control is my reaction and feelings in this moment.   Sometimes it is hard to stay present when my emotional pain is heavy and I want it to stop.

I had asked myself for lessons on impulsiveness, patience and staying out of anticipation.  I guess I got a big dose of all three this fall.  Not sure I can give myself a passing score yet but am aware of the lesson that is being played out.

Still basking in the love and support of my family and friends.  I am so very blessed to have a strong support system around me.  It makes all the difference in the world.

Grateful to my friends and family for their support, grateful for the internal work I am doing, and grateful for the rain that is headed our way.

I am the luckiest mother in the world.  I had nice long visits with two of my kids today and came home feeling so loved and supported.  Jason and Melissa fixed a wonderful dinner for me.  Tim and Michelle offered much love and support.  Nicole and Geoff are in Greece or they would have done the same.  Being a mother doesn’t get any better then when your kids are there for you when you need them.

I started to put the new paint on the deck today but discovered the paint color is not going to work.  It is almost an orange color and I wanted a dark redwood.  We have to go to Wichita Tuesday so will stop and get a different color then.  Anyone need two gallons of almost orange deck paint?

Grateful to my kids for their love and support, grateful for the support of two dear friends, and grateful to be reminded of my value today.

Happy birthday to Jim.  He turns 74 today.  He got a card from my Aunt Glenda and a letter from my brother Max.  It is always a good day when you get personal mail.  Rarely seems to happen these days.

I realized this afternoon I haven’t been blogging lately.  I am going through some tough stuff right now and when that happens words can be hard for me to find.  I have a very hard decision to make in the next couple of weeks and am taking lots of time to sit with it and make sure I make the right one for me.  Lots of people will be impacted with my decision and I need to make sure I handle this as well as I know how to do.

Looking backwards things become clear to me sometimes. Sure wish I could see the same clarity looking forwards.  I feel like I have been buried under a pile of rocks and have come out from being buried and am seeing things in a new and different way.  Hard to accept what I am seeing and hard to believe I didn’t see it before.

I’ve been spending lot of time reading and educating myself on what I am facing.  I will see my mental health counselor again this week and will seek her help in sorting everything out for me.  I met with her once last week and have three more appointments booked with her over the next three weeks.  It is always helpful to get an outsider to look at things and help me fill in the blanks and course correct me if I am seeing things wrong.  Part of me is still holding out hope that things might change but part of me knows it won’t.  When I can get my gut, heart and brain to agree then I will know what to do.

I baked Jim a two-layer German chocolate cake for his birthday dinner.  That used to be my favorite cake too!  I won’t join him in having a piece though as I no longer eat flour or sugar.  It was fun making it though.  He is getting liver and onions for his birthday dinner if I can handle touching the liver to put it in the skillet.  One of his favorite meals.  I used to make it years ago but haven’t made it in a long time.  I trust it will turn out OK.  The recipe I found said to soak the liver in milk before you cook it.  I had never done that before but decided to try it.  We have some left over Shepherd’s Pie in case the liver doesn’t turn out OK.  I have some chicken tenders to fix for me.

Gotta love KS weather.  We had a hard freeze earlier this week and today it is in the 80’s.  This is the time of year that you need to change clothes three or four times a day to be comfortable depending on what the temperature is.

Grateful for professional mental health counselors, grateful for books that teach me, and grateful for the support I have from friends and family.

 

We drove to Topeka today to take the Forester to the dealer to have the STARLINK system checked out.  Turns out there was nothing wrong with it.  Long ways to drive to get a free car wash!  Still am getting an error message on the system check but guess I will learn to ignore it.

We stopped afterwards at The Blind Tiger Brewery for lunch.  It was good food and good service.  I would go back if we are in that part of Topeka again.  Still have a bit of sticker shock when I see the bill for lunch for two is almost $50 with the tip.  We don’t eat fancy, order appetizers or fancy drinks.  Not sure how people can afford to eat out very often at those prices.  I understand why the restaurants have had to raise their prices but they have priced me out of doing much eating out.

Jim got a tetanus shot before we left town.  He wounded himself two days ago and it was looking ugly.  He couldn’t remember when he had his last tetanus shot so we thought he better be safe than sorry.  I scheduled it for him on-line last night at Walgreens for 11:10 this morning.  It took an hour before he was done!  Not sure why they were so slow but he got it done.

Tomorrow we go to Walmart to get our flu shots.  They usually are rather efficient and timely.  We will see how busy they are and how long it takes.  Jim may have two sore arms by tomorrow evening.

I called Bluestem and found out their next chick day is November 5.  Guess we will be waiting a few more weeks to get some baby chicks.  Timing isn’t great as they will be big enough to go outside around the first of the year and that is usually when the weather gets really cold on the prairie.  Maybe we will get lucky and get them acclimated int he big coop before the bitter cold winter weather hits.  That timing will give me some time to gather the supplies I need to take care of baby chicks.  Come spring time I should be back in the egg business.

I was excited to hear my social security will be going up over 8% next year.  It seems to be harder each month to make ends meet.  I try hard to live on my social security check and only tap savings for bigger expenses.  Some months I stay out of savings but lately I have had to tap into it.  Groceries sure seem to cost more every time I go to the store.  I sure feel for those that don’t have a savings back-up.  Not sure how they do it.

Took a short nap when I got home from Topeka today.  I haven’t been sleeping good again and it caught up with me.  These days I will sleep whenever I think I can.

Jim broke down and turned the furnace on this afternoon.  The house has cooled down with the temperatures dropping into the 40’s at night.  Today the wind was in a huge hurry and blew hard most of the day.  That makes it feel even colder.

Grateful to have gotten my car checked out, grateful for a social security raise, and grateful for afternoon naps.

Happy birthday mom!  She would have been 93 today.  Hard for me to imagine her that old.  She was young looking and young acting up until the last few years of her life.  I think of her daily and feel her presence with me often.  She is still guiding and teaching me.

It has been another quiet day on the prairie today.  Jim had a doctor’s appointment late morning so he went to Emporia and after his appointment ran some errands.  I haven’t managed to get much done again.  It has been a windy day but cooler than it has been.

We got .65 inch of rain last night.  The hail and strong rain woke me up around 3:00.  It was a delight to have rain.  Sure could have used a lot more but grateful for what we did get.  It kinda settled the dust although the way the wind is blowing it won’t be long before the dust is blowing again.  Not much chance for more rain in the forecast for the coming week.  We are back to drought conditions.  Strong City is asking that we conserve water as the water table is very low.  Not a good sign going into the dry winter months.

Tomorrow I am taking my car to the dealer in Topeka to get the STARLINK system checked.  It hasn’t worked properly since the car was broken into the first of September.  Trusting they will get it fixed quickly as I am going to wait on it to get fixed.  I have some errands to run in Topeka so may go up early and get those done before I take my car to be fixed.  We will see how my morning goes and if I can get away early.

We are getting our flu shots Friday afternoon.  We both decided that it may be a good idea to do so this year.  Neither one of us usually gets them but from what I am reading the shot is a good match this year and the experts are predicting a strong flu season.  Trusting neither of us will get sick from the shot.

Sunday afternoon Jim’s son Thomas is getting married.  We will watch the ceremony on Zoom.  They decided to have a very small wedding and hold a big reception and family party later.  It will be a special afternoon for Jim.  We love his fiancé and look forward to seeing them start their new life together.

Monday we are going to Wichita for an appointment in the morning and then in the afternoon taking all five critters to the vet for their annual check.  It will be a circus trying to get all of them into the car, into the vet clinic and home again. We have never taken all five at once and may never try it again.  We will see how it goes.  Once the cats are caught they will be easy as we put them in carriers.  Sophia hates to get in the car and sometimes we have to pick her up to put her in.  She weighs 145 pounds so that is no easy task.

The Emporia Friends of the Library book sale starts Saturday and runs through Thursday next week.  I buy my yearly supply of reading material at the book sale each year.  I am working the sale on Wednesday afternoon.  Come see me!

Feeling a bit restless this afternoon.  I need to find a project to work on.  Sometimes it is not good for me to have too much free time.  It will be good to have a couple of busy days coming up to get me out of the house.  It is too easy for me to isolate and not be “in” the world.

Grateful for the rain we received last night, grateful the storm wasn’t too severe, and grateful for the life of my mother and all the lessons she taught me and continues to teach me.

 

 

Seven years ago I walked into Santiago, Spain after traveling over 500 miles – mostly on foot.  What a journey I had.  The lessons I learned on the trail remain with me and continue to teach me more about myself.  It was a trip of a lifetime for me and am ever so grateful I found the courage to do the Camino.  I treasure the friends I made along the way – especially Tom and Carolyn Maloney from CA.  I remain grateful to all of you that helped me on my journey by sending good vibes, prayers, well wishes, etc.

I went to Emporia this morning to pick up my prescriptions and a few groceries.  Found out the Endocrinologist office had called in the prescription for Synthroid 100 and not the 112 as the nurse told me she did.  We got that fixed at the pharmacy.  I had an old prescription on file that still had a refill available on the 112 so they were able to return the 100 and fill the 112.  Found out the pharmacy has been using Good RX to reduce the price of the Tirosint instead of charging my insurance company.  I have never understood how Good RX works but many times it is cheaper to get your prescriptions using Good RX then it is to use your insurance.  The nurse had called in a two month supply and Good RX will only work for a one month supply.  The pharmacy had to return the two month order and replace it with a one month order.  Saved over $100 by doing it this way.  Man!  That was not an easy trip to the pharmacy but am ever so grateful I had a wonderful clerk that stuck with me and helped me work through it all.  Who knew buying prescriptions could be so complicated.

Haven’t gotten much else done today.  The wind is blowing 20 mph plus today. Sure hoping it is going to blow in some rain.  The dust is mighty thick today.  I have the house open anyways as I need some fresh air today.

A guy I used to work with years and years ago died.  I happened to see and read his obit.  Found out a friend connection I didn’t know before.  I have a friend in Manhattan who is best friends with this guy’s brother and wife.  What a small world!  I have met this brother and his wife before but hadn’t made the connection to them having the same last name as my friend who died.

Thursday I am going to Topeka to take my car to have the Starlink system checked out.  I have been getting messages that it isn’t working ever since we had the window broken out.  Not sure if the two are connected but thinking they are.  Hopefully it will be a quick fix as I am going to wait for the car while they work on it.  I don’t know if they do loaner cars in case it will take hours to get fixed.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow.  It is to rain part of the day so will be a good day to stay home and enjoy the rain.  Maybe it will rain enough to settle the dust a bit and I can dust my furniture and have it remain dust free longer than an hour or two.  You can write your name in the dust on my coffee table today.  Coffee table art work – who knew?

Feeling my mood elevator starting to go back up again – finally.  It was a long hard fall into the muck pond this time.  Hard to sit with my strong emotions at time.  Grateful that I am climbing out and have learned some new things about myself.  Next September I need to set the intention that my lessons will come in an easier, gentler way.

Grateful the prescription thing got figured out, grateful for the life lessons I learned on the Camino, and grateful my mood elevator is rising up and out of the muck pond of life.

Quiet day on the prairie today. Jim went to town to run some errands but I stayed home.  I haven’t gotten much done today except for finishing up the mowing.  Just didn’t have much energy or motivation to do anything today.

My lack of sleep is catching up to me.  I finally took another hot bath around 5:30 this morning and was then able to sleep for 3 hours.  It sure makes for a long night when I can’t find sleep.  I felt a bit hungover today – maybe I should have tied one on if I am going to have a hangover feeling.

I need to go to town tomorrow and pick up my prescriptions.  Not sure they are all sorted out but will go see what they have.  According to my on-line records the Endocrinologist office called in the wrong Synthroid dose but according to her nurse they called in the correct one.  I’ll find out tomorrow which is correct. I’m not sure it makes that much difference anyways as the pill doesn’t do much for me.

Starting to feel the urge to knit something.  I may go down and dig through my yarn and see if I can find enough to make something.  I have tons of yarn but not sure the right amount in the right colors to make a blanket.  I am not going to buy new yarn until I make a dent in the stash I already have.  I have some baby yarn I could knit into a baby blanket if that urge strikes.  I haven’t knitted in a long time.  I need to do something with my hands that is productive.  Not sure what I would do with another blanket but at least I would produce something.  They seem to find homes sooner or later.

Just noticed the beautiful full moon.  I missed it coming up on the horizon but caught it while it is still reddish and not too high up.  It was bright enough last night that I didn’t need to turn lights on when I got up to go to the bathroom.  I love the light of the moon on the prairie and the moon shadows it casts.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful for the beauty of the moon, and grateful for my yarn stash.

Jim got home around 7:30 last night.  He was tired from the long drive.  I had chili in the crock pot so he could have a hot meal when he got home.

I mowed most of the yard today.  It was hard mowing in places as I couldn’t tell where I had mowed.  Unless we get a good rain before first frost, I doubt that I have to mow it again this year.  I’ll wait to have it picked up and serviced until we get our first frost.

I am itchy and dirty from mowing.  There was a light wind that blew the grass in my face.  I ate a weed salad for lunch.  It is very dry and the grass is dry and dead in most places.

Lost another chicken today.  Am down to 19 chickens.  Next chick day at Bluestem I will have to get 10 chicks and replenish my flock.  I hate messing with baby chicks but I would rather get 10 now and then get more if needed come spring time.  Sure wish I knew what was killing my chickens.  I probably ought to get rid of all of the remaining chickens and get 25 new ones.  At the rate I am loosing them that will happen anyways.

I need to go to Emporia tomorrow to pick up my prescriptions and get some dog food.  Have a few grocery items on my list too.  Other than that, I have a quiet week ahead with not much on the schedule.  It is supposed to rain on Tuesday and Wednesday but am not going to hold me breath.  Two rainy days would be heaven on earth!

Feeling my mood elevator start to rise again.  Still feeling a bit vulnerable and unsure of myself.  I have had some good insights into my inner workings.  Still haven’t shaken all the apples off the tree but they are falling into my consciousness for me to ponder.  I have got to figure out a way to take better care of myself so I don’t get so empty again.

Today felt like a Saturday to me.  I hate when that happens as the rest of the week will feel off to me.  Tomorrow is a bank and mail holiday so that will add to my confusion.  When you don’t work, everyday feels the same.  Good thing my iPad and iPhone tell me what day of the week it is when I open the screen.  It is the only way I know what day of the week it is.

My tummy has been yelling at me most of the day.  I ate a small bowl of chili last night and am thinking my tummy didn’t like the beans in it.  I trust my tummy will settle down soon and I will get back to feeling OK.  Every since I had C-Dif it changed what I can eat without feeling icky.  I keep thinking it is temporary and soon it will start tolerating some of my favorite foods but so far no go.  It has been over a year since my last C-Dif occurrence.  Wonder how much longer it will take or if it will ever recover completely.  At least I haven’t had C-Dif again.  I still can’t eat raw vegetables and can only tolerate a bit of raw fruit.  Beans are on the no eat list too.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie again today.  I love fall days like this one.  Light wind, mid 70’s, lots of sunshine and white puffy clouds.  I know there is a limited amount of days like this ahead so I will enjoy each and everyone.

Grateful the yard is mowed, grateful Jim had a safe trip home, and grateful for another beautiful fall day on the prairie.

Found another dead chicken when I went down to the coop this afternoon.  Dang it anyways.  Sure wish I knew if there was something I could/should be doing to prevent these deaths.  Haven’t done anything different than I have done with my other chickens and have never had this problem before.  I lost one or two here and there before but never five in two months.

Today has been a much better day for me.  The sun is back out and it is a beautiful day on the prairie.  I actually got some things done today.  I took a load of recycling to Cottonwood Falls.  I was a bit concerned if I could fit it in the dumpster but found the dumpster almost empty.  That was easy!

Took the mower gas cans and filled them up.  I will need to mow one last time this year and was out of gas.  I like to keep some gas on hand in case one of the cars runs too low.  After I mow I will call John Deere and have them come pick up the mower to service it so it will be ready for next year.

Stopped at Dollar General and got some milk.  I want to bake something tomorrow and needed milk.

Cleaned our study today.  It was very dirty.  We keep the sliding door open lots in that room and dust blows in.  Next week I am going to work with Jim to de -clutter the study a bit.  The clutter is stacking up too much in there.  After a while I can’t take the clutter.

Have a crock pot full of chili cooking for dinner tonight.  Jim got a late start this morning.  He was down the road about an hour when he remembered he had forgotten something in the cabin he stayed in so had to turn around and go back to get it.  He won’t be home until 8:00 or so.  Glad I made something for dinner that isn’t time sensitive.

Monday I need to go to Emporia and pick up my prescriptions.  Other than picking up some dog food I don’t have anything on a grocery list so that may be all I need to do while I am in town.  We have a quiet week ahead with not much on our schedule.  That will be nice.  I have a honey-do list of things that need done if and when the mood strikes.  Unfortunately none of them feel urgent so they tend to get put off and not done.

Trusting this will be the week that I can get back to my Death Doula material and do some work on it.  I need to figure out some ways to get the word out that I am available to help people make their end of life care plans.  I have a few ideas bouncing around that I need to explore and see if I can get some leads.  I have a Facebook page almost completed so need to get that finalized and released.

Grateful for a beautiful fall day on the prairie today, grateful Jim will be home soon, and grateful I got some things done today.

Man!  It is cold outside.  I wasn’t ready for that today.  I had to turn the fireplace on to warm up after walking down to take care of the chickens.  I am NOT ready for winter.  What happened to fall?  Oh, it is Kansas so it will be back tomorrow!

I didn’t make it to town today.  Had yet another mix up with my Endocrinologist office.  This is becoming a frustrating occurrence with them.  My levels were too high again and I knew she would want me to go to 5 days on the liquid Tirosint and two days on Synthroid.  I let her office know I was out of the 112 dose and asked if they would call in a new prescription unless the Doctor wanted to try a lower dose of the Tirosint that I would take seven days a week.

The office called in a prescription for the 100 dose instead.  I already have those.  I sent a third message to them to let them know and so far nothing was done.  Dang it anyways.  I will wait to go to Emporia until this gets straightened out and I can pick up all my prescriptions at the same time instead of making three trips.  The pharmacy was out of the Tirosint so they can’t fill that until Monday so guess I will go to town Monday so I can pick them up.

It has been cold, cloudy and dreary on the prairie today.  Kinda fits my mood.  It has been a bit of a rough day emotionally for me.  I realized I am in the in-between stage right now.  I don’t feel comfortable when I am in this stage.  I am usually a quick decision maker and go for it and then make course corrections along the way.  Not being able to make a decision and getting on with it makes me feel stuck and uncomfortable.   I asked for a lesson on patience – careful what I ask for – right?

Jim will be home tomorrow late afternoon.  I need to think of something to fix for dinner in the crock pot so we can eat when he gets here.  The drive time can vary depending on traffic, etc.

I have done lots of thinking and note writing since Jim has been gone.  Sometimes I need silence to gather my thoughts and sort through them.  I had a lot of clutter in my mind that I needed to clear and some deeper thoughts that needed room to come to the surface so I could put into words what I was feeling.  I gained some good insights into myself and why some feelings were present.  I had not recognized how emotionally empty I had allowed myself to become.  I take full responsibility for not tending to my own needs.  I have a life time habit of putting others first.  I have done lots of work to change that but this lesson seems to keep spiraling around and giving me more chances to work on it.

I am working on a list of things that I can do to take better care of myself.  It still feels selfish to make a list like that.  Yet I understand I can’t give to anyone else unless I am coming from a full state of being.  Knowing and doing seem to be two different things at times with me.  When I am full – emotionally, spiritually and mentally, I handle what ever life throws at me.  When I run on empty I am an emotional mess.

We got some light sprinkles on the prairie this afternoon.  Wish we had gotten a good thunderstorm with lots of rain.  The cracks in the yard are deep and wide  enough you could break your ankle if you don’t watch where you are walking.

Grateful for the insights I had about myself today, grateful for another quiet day at home, and grateful for my warm fireplace that warms my body on a cold day on the prairie.

The guys showed up to caulk the windows around 9:30.  They were done before noon.  Grateful that project is done and off my list.  Trusting the windows will not leak if and when we get rain again.  They tried to order new seals for the windows but were unable to find any so they caulked heavily instead.

It has been a quiet day on the prairie for me today.  Sure not getting much cleaning done but have been sitting quietly, writing, reading, resting and relaxing.  I needed this quiet time to refill my soul.  Feeling more like myself than I have in a long time.  Funny how I can forget to take care of myself in the midst of life happening around me.  Thinking the trauma of the break in and the bank fraud depleted me more than I realized.  It feels good to have come back home to myself.

Still haven’t figured out what to do tomorrow.  I need to go to Emporia and pick up a prescription so will think of something fun to do while I am there.  If nothing else, I will eat lunch out by myself.  Thinking of going to town tonight for dinner but may decide to stay home instead.  It sounds like a good idea until I remember I have to get in the car and go somewhere to make it happen.  Not sure being around people is what I need tonight anyways.

It has been another beautiful fall day on the prairie.  It got to 80 today with little wind.  I was up early enough to catch the sunrise this morning.  The pre sunrise colors were magnificent.  I still think fall is the best time to watch sun rises and sunsets on the prairie.  The colors seemed magnified and more intense than any other time of the year.

Haven’t heard from my Endocrinologist about my high TSH levels.  Her office is short staffed and sometimes they miss things.  I did send a note to her office today as I need a refill of the pills if she wants me to stay on them.  She had mentioned at my last visit that she wanted to switch me off pills and on liquid Tirosint seven days a week.  If she does that, I will need a lower dose of the Tirosint as if I take it at my current dose seven days a week my levels go too low.  If I don’t hear back from her by Monday, I will send another message.  It may have been her day off today.  I have enough pills to get me through the next two weeks.  I try to allow lots of times for refills just in case the office is getting slammed.

I have been thinking a lot about silence lately.  Today I didn’t turn on music to listen to as I needed complete silence to fill my soul today.  The world is so full of noise and chaos right now that sitting in silence seems almost foreign.  Unplugging and being in silence can be so healing.  It has allowed the monkey chatter that was going non-stop in my brain to quiet down and slow down.

Grateful for the beauty of the prairie, grateful for the silence on the prairie, and grateful for this time alone.

 

 

 

Went to Emporia this morning to have my blood draw to check my TSH levels for my thyroid.  I was surprised when the results came back and they were too high – 5.75.  The levels were even higher this time than last time.  I had expected them to be too low.  I haven’t heard from the doctor yet about a medication change.  Man!  I get so frustrated when my levels are not in balance.  Wish I could figure this out.

Dropped off some Chex Mix to the grandkids.  I am betting that at least one bag has already been eaten this evening.  They sure love that stuff.

I have enjoyed a very quiet afternoon at home.  I had forgotten how much I enjoy being home alone on a beautiful fall day.  It was lovely walking down to take care of the chickens.  It is a bit windy on the prairie today but what would the prairie be like if the wind didn’t blow?

Tomorrow the guys are coming to work on the windows.  They will be here most of the day.  I will hang around the house just in case they need inside for something.  It will be good to finally get that project finished.  It has been on my pending list for months.

I’m a bit tired this evening.  I woke up at 5:00 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I thought about taking a nap but decided against it and am hoping I will be able to sleep more than three hours tonight.  We shall see if that was wise.  I need to be up and dressed before 8:30 in case the window guys come early.  It may be early to bed tonight for me.

I need to fix myself a decent dinner tonight.  It has been a few days since I have felt like eating and cooking a meal.  Feels good to feel hungry again.

Trying to think of something fun to do on Friday.  I may drive to Wichita, Topeka or KC for the day but not sure yet.  Staying home alone has been so nice that maybe staying home is what I need most.  I thought about going to Emporia and getting a pedicure.  I haven’t had one for years and I enjoy them occasionally.  I need to treat myself somehow – just haven’t figure out what I want yet.

I’m holding a major life decision in my hands and am not sure what to do.  I’ve been working on balancing my head with my gut and my heart today.  I feel my head pulling me one way, my heart says something different and my gut is pulling me another way.  When I can get them to agree I feel better and know that is the way to go.  Easier said than done sometimes though.  Needless to say, I won’t do anything until I get all three on board with the same conclusion.

Life sure is funny.  I think I have things figured out and then curve balls come from left field and throw me off balance yet again.  I’m not sure there are wrong answers, just different paths to travel.  Consequences for my choice will be played out regardless which way I choose.

Grateful for this time alone, grateful for my energy healing knowledge, and grateful I don’t have to make a decision today.

Jim left for the Y Camp in Estes Park this morning.  We have had a rough past week together and he and I need some time apart to process life.  The Y Camp is a place where he goes to heal himself and to refill.  I will stay home and do the same on my beloved prairie.  He will be home Saturday evening.

I went to Emporia this morning and got my haircut.  A bit of self-care for myself.  Somehow a haircut always helps me feel better.  I love my barber and the conversations we have while he is cutting my hair.

While I was in town I stopped and picked up supplies to make Chex Mix.  My granddaughter requested it again.  That stuff is getting expensive to make.  I may need to tell them it is a once in a while treat and not a regular thing.  I will make it later today and take it in to them tomorrow.  I need to go to town tomorrow and have a blood draw so my thyroid levels can be checked.

I hope to get lots of house cleaning done this week.  I have been slacking on cleaning lately and I need to do a really good fall houseclean.  A clean house makes me feel better too.

Thursday the guys are coming to examine and fix every window in the house.  They need to be caulked and sealed up as some of them are leaking.  This house has a lot of windows so thinking it will take them most of the day.  It will be a good day for them to be here as it is not supposed to rain or be too windy or too hot.

I will enjoy these couple of days that I will spend mostly in silence.  Silence draws me inward where I can heal those deep, dark places within.  I had allowed myself to give too much and to bend too far away from who I know myself to be.  It is only when I stay true to myself that I can function at my best and be of the most service to the world.  It is easy for me to give in rather than stand my ground.  When I start to feel broken, I have crossed a line and need to reset.

Grateful for the silence that surrounds me today, grateful for a haircut, and grateful for the beauty of a fall day on the prairie.

 

I realized I haven’t blog for almost a week.  It has been a very emotional week for me.  I fell flat on my face in the muck pond and it has taken me some time to pick myself up and come out of it.

I get surprised every year when this happens shortly after the Fall Equinox.  I set my intentions to work on some things inside of me that I want to change my relationship with.  The universe listens and gives me a huge opportunity to learn about them.  One of these years I will remember this hard climb is going to happen and not get caught off guard like I did again this year.

For those that haven’t followed me before, the muck pond is that place where you go deep inside yourself where it is dark, you feel stuck, helpless and overwhelmed with what ever is going on around you.  When I am there, I tend to go quiet and want others to leave me alone.  I am at the bottom of my emotional ladder and feel shame and/or guilt and it feels like I may never see the light again.

I have learned when this happens to me, to take a moment (or an hour, or a day, or a week) and be with my dark, deep feelings and allow them to talk to me.  I can’t rush myself through this process.  The heaviness takes however much time it needs to take to go through me.  If I attempt to rush it, I get to cycle back through it again and the second time hurts even more.  Sooner or later, I am able to pick myself up, wash myself off and climb out of the muck pond.

My mentor once told me that the deeper into my emotional self I can go, the higher I can rebound.  I have found that to be true over the times that this has happened to me.  My emotional ladder seems to grow each time this happens.

I haven’t reached new heights this time around, but I feel myself climbing back up.  Some people call this experience the Dark Night of the Soul experience.  It is dark and I can feel it is a soul experience.  And when I come out of it I have a new perspective on myself.

My experience in the past tells me this will be a transformative time for myself if I allow it to unfold without rushing it.  I will gain new insights about myself and will find the courage to make some changes in my life to more closely align myself with my needs.  I’m not there yet but am trusting it will come.

I view life as a process of climbing up a mountain.  Sometimes you find a nice flat valley and the walk and climb is easy.  Sometimes you hit a brick wall and the climb becomes very challenging.  Each step upwards brings new perspective and insights if you take the time to understand what is happening within.  I’m not sure you ever reach the top of the mountain of life – at least not until you die.  Not sure the goal of life is to ever reach the top.  Life is about the climb and what you learn about yourself along the way.

We had a wonderful weekend.  Nicole and Geoff came home yesterday afternoon.  Nicole had a class reunion they went to Saturday evening.  We got to have a nice visit with them before the reunion and after they got home.  We babysat their dog while they were at the reunion.

This morning all three of my kids and their families met us at Commercial Street Diner and we had breakfast together.  It was so fun to sit and visit and not have to cook or do dishes afterwards.  Afterwards Nicole and Geoff had to return to KC as Nicole is leaving on a business trip tomorrow.

I haven’t slept much the last two nights.  Am trusting that I will crash one of these nights soon without having to take a sleeping pill.  I may have to take one tonight though if I can’t sleep.  Two nights with only one or two hours of sleep is about my limit.

Tomorrow I need to go to Emporia and run some errands.  Jim will be teaching his final OSHER class for this session in the morning.  I will probably go to town while he is teaching so I won’t disturb his Zoom class.

Jim is going to CO for a few days on Tuesday.  The Y Camp at Estes Park is his home away from home and he is going out to enjoy the fall colors and do some hiking.  I’m staying home this time.  I need some quiet time to finish processing this last week.  After our last trip I am not ready to hit the road again yet.

Grateful for the time with my family this weekend, grateful I have climbed out of the muck pond, and grateful for new insights into my soul.

We got the Newsletter completed today.  I went to Cottonwood Falls around 8:45 and picked up what was ready at the printers.  When I got home Lynn was here and we got everything inside and set up.  Two other volunteers joined us and we worked until almost noon.

We ran out of one of the forms that the printer still had to do some work on.  Lynn ran into Cottonwood Falls to pick those up while I got lunch ready.  When Lynn got back another volunteer joined us and we all had lunch.

After lunch we worked and got everything done by 4:00.  Not bad!  Jim helped Lynn get her car loaded up.  She will take it to the post office tomorrow and get it in the mail.

It always feels good to get that project completed – especially when we have enough helpers to get it done in one day.

I was tired by the end of the work day though.  JIm and I both laid down for a bit.  He was able to sleep for over an hour but I couldn’t fall asleep.  It felt good to stretch out and rest though.  Maybe tonight I will sleep really good.

I have my second load of dishes in the dishwasher running.  The kitchen and living room are all put back together again.  I’m grateful this house seems to clean up easily.  Lunch went over well and was easy to serve.

Tomorrow I have to be in town by 1:00 so my car can be aligned and the wheels balanced.  The guy told me it will take up to three hours to get the job done.  I think Jim will follow me into town and then bring me home and then take me back to town when the car is done.  Three hours is a long time to sit and wait for them to be done.

We need to go to the Chase County court house and get the car title project started.  Maybe we can do that while the car is being fixed tomorrow afternoon.

My bank called me today to let me know my social security check had been deposited in the closed account and they asked permission to transfer it to the new checking account.  I was going to call them tomorrow to remind them to look for it on Wednesday.  Not sure why it came in on a Monday – it has always come in on a Wednesday before.  Grateful the bank caught it and handled it appropriately and the deposit didn’t get returned.  One less thing to worry about and to be able to cross off my list.  I will have one more social security deposit next month that I trust the bank will handle correctly and then it should start coming into my new checking account directly.

Felt good to have a productive day and have had something to show for my work today.  It has been a bit since that happened.  I am tired tonight so trusting I will sleep good tonight.  I am starting to get desperate for a good night’s sleep.

Grateful for the volunteers that lent a hand today, grateful for the friendship and conversation of the day, and grateful the bank handled the social security deposit correctly.

Got up and fixed a loaf of beer bread and a pan of apple crisp to take to the lunch in Manhattan I went to today.  Due to road construction a drive that normally takes just a little over an hour took closer to two hours.  It was a beautiful day to drive through the hills today.

I had a wonderful time seeing some old friends and make a new friend.  It had been way too long since I had gotten a chance to hug them and have a nice visit.  Lunch was wonderful, the company was even better.  The time flew by and before I knew it I needed to head for home.

When I got home I organized and started fixing the lunch I am serving to the volunteers that are coming over tomorrow to help me stuff the newsletter for Pioneer Bluffs.  We still have room at the table if you want to join us.  We will be working from 10:00 – 3:00.  If we have enough hands we should be done by 3:00.  You don’t have to stay for the whole time – just come for lunch.

I’m fixing a taco bar.  I cooked and shredded the chicken tonight and browned and seasoned the hamburger.  I’ll put the chicken and hamburger in crock pots in the morning and by noon it will be warm and ready for lunch.  Had the sides ready to set out.  I set up card tables and set the tables so that is all done and ready.   I’ll need to chop lettuce and tomatoes in the morning and make some iced tea but everything else is ready to go.  It will be an easy lunch to serve.

Jim is teaching his second of three OSHER classes tomorrow morning from 10:00 -12:00.  We will shut the doors to the study and trust that our laughter doesn’t get too loud.  After he eats lunch with us I will put him to work stuffing envelopes.

Tuesday I take my car in to have the wheels aligned and balanced.  That will take a couple of hours so not sure if Jim will drive in too and we will make a return trip when the car is done or if I will take a book and sit and wait.

Getting out and going visiting today reminded me how good that is for my soul.  I really need to start booking some days with other friends and getting out more.  It is too easy for me to stay home and not be social.  I do enjoy it once I get there and wonder why I don’t do it more.

Grateful for being able to catch up with some friends, grateful for the beauty on the drive today, and grateful for helpers that are coming tomorrow.

I had a much better day.  When I woke up this morning all my symptoms from yesterday were gone.  I felt back to normal.  Yay!  I’m so grateful it only lasted 24 hours.

I went to Emporia this morning to pick up some groceries I need for tomorrow and Monday.  Got what I needed and came home.  I was surprised how much traffic was in town.  Must have been something going on around the high school.  Inside the store wasn’t too bad thankfully.

I didn’t do much again today but it sure felt good to feel good.  My arm where I got the shot is a bit sore but nothing I can’t handle.  Beats getting really sick from Covid later.

Tomorrow I am going to Manhattan to visit with some friends that live in Ecuador and are in the states to visit friends and family.  I met them when Craig and I spent two months in Ecuador in 2014.  We took a side trip to Cotacachi and a mutual friend connected us.  We ended up staying a couple nights with them.  They treated us like family and have been friends ever since.  It will be fun to see them again.

Monday is the day some friends are coming over and we are going to stuff the Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter.  More hands are needed and welcome to join us.  We will be starting around 10:00 and should be done by 3:00.  I am fixing a taco bar for lunch.  Come if you can – stay for as long as you can.  Leave early if you need to – no worries.

Tuesday I take my car in to have the wheels aligned.  I had to have my tires replaced as they were worn very badly on the inside rims due to the car being out of alignment.

Thursday I have to go to Emporia for a blood draw to get my thyroid levels checked.  Saturday Nicole and Geoff are coming for the night.  It will be a busy week.

At our Fall Equinox ceremony I set my intentions to work on three things about myself.  I am attempting to implement a new routine for myself and take some time each morning to review my intentions and sit with them.  Trusting this will help me become more mindful of what I want to do with my intentions and make some changes internally to put these traits to better use.  This type of work is not always easy but it is so needed.

Grateful I am feeling back to normal today, grateful for the lessons and rhythm of Mother Nature, and grateful I get to see my friends tomorrow.

 

What a day!  I woke up this morning feeling like someone had run over me with a bus.  Every muscle and joint in my body hurt.  It was almost more than I could manage to walk to the bathroom and sit on the toilet.

I finally figured out it was the side effects from the Bivalent Covid vaccine I had yesterday afternoon.  I came out to my chair and slept most of the morning.  The discomfort is finally lifting a bit this evening.  I don’t have much energy yet but the muscle aches are much better and the headache has quieted down a bit.  The diarrhea that was active earlier today has quieted down too.

I was not expecting this reaction.  When I got my fourth booster shot I had no reaction and guess I was expecting that to happen this time.  Jim said he felt a bit more tired than normal but other than that he was fine.

With Jim’s help I did manage to get two loads of laundry done today.  I think that is all I did today.  It hurt too much to move my body.  I am trying to drink extra this evening to flush whatever out of my body.  Betting by tomorrow I will be back to normal.

Tomorrow I need to go to town and pick up a few groceries.  I am going to a pot luck on Sunday and need a few things so I can fix some food to take.  I am having some friends over Monday to help me stuff the Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter and I am fixing lunch for those that come help.  I need a few things for that too.

Grateful I had nothing that had to be done today.  We were going to go to the court house in Cottonwood Falls to get the title work changed on our vehicles but that can wait for another day.  I also needed to get some gas for the lawn mower but that also can wait for another day.

When I had Covid in February I didn’t experience the body aches that others had talked about.  I now know what it is and sure hope I don’t have to go through this again.

Sometime in October we need to go get our flu shots.  We usually don’t take them but something is telling me I need to do so this year.  I wasn’t brave enough to get a flu shot at the same time I got the Covid booster.  When I have forgotten a bit about this reaction I will get the flu shot.

Grateful my symptoms are easing quickly, grateful for a day of rest, and grateful Jim escaped this suffering.

Went to Emporia this afternoon and got our fourth Covid booster injections.  This one is designed for the variant that is circulating now.  Trusting it will help prevent serious disease if we should get Covid again.  I have a bit of a sore arm this evening but not bad.

Jim’s prediction about the chicken was correct.  He found a dead one this afternoon when he went down to gather eggs.  That makes the fourth dead one in four weeks.  Hope we won’t find another dead one for a long time.  Down to 22 chickens now (I think – I will have to count them next time I go to confirm the count.). I have some sorry looking chickens right now as they are molting.  It sure seems to me they pick a bad time of the year to drop feathers.  Not sure why they don’t do it in the summer time when it is hot.  If the dying streak keeps up I will have to think about replacing this group and getting new ones come spring time.

I fixed a pot roast for dinner tonight using our new beef.  It was the best pot roast I have had in a long time.  So very tender and moist.  The cut this year is perfect – it would make enough for four people to have a good meal.  Last years cut was for six to eight people.  We had trouble using all the leftovers last year.  This year we will get one more good meal from the leftovers and be done with it.

Had our group session tonight to celebrate Fall Equinox. We had a grand time.  I love groups where you can go deep and be honest and vulnerable with each other.  We ended our sessions using the smudge stick on each other.  I bet I sleep good tonight.  I feel grounded and centered for the first time in a long time.  I am grateful to each in the group for their contributions tonight.

We have nothing on the calendar for tomorrow or Saturday.  Jim will need to continue to work on his class for Monday.  I do want to go to the court house in Chase County tomorrow and start the title work for the three vehicles.  It shouldn’t take too long and at some point Jim will need a break from his lesson plans.

I called the Vet’s office and made an appointment to take all three cats and both dogs in for their annual visit.  We are going to attempt to take all five at the same time this year.  May never do that again but we shall see how it goes.

Filled out a few more forms to mail and have almost finished the banking changes we need to make.  I’m getting tired of paperwork.  It is tedious and seems to be never ending.  I do understand the need for it and it is easier to do it now than if we were in a crisis.  It will feel good when it all gets done.

We got half of an inch of rain last night and today.  Turned the fireplace on for a bit this morning to warm up the kitchen and living room.  I’m not used to temperatures in the 50’s and low 60’s.  Grateful I had the repair man come fix the fireplace so I could use it today.  It felt so warm and toasty to sit beside it and eat my breakfast.

Grateful for Covid vaccines, grateful for a group of friends that share their hearts and lives with me,  and grateful for rainy days on the prairie.

 

I have felt a bit “off” all day.  Not sure what is going on.  May just be one of those days.  I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights so maybe I am just tired.  Betting tomorrow will be better.

Our guest will be here shortly.  He let me know this afternoon it would be after 7:00 before he arrived.  Jim will enjoy visiting with him this evening.

I haven’t gotten much done today.  Just didn’t feel like doing anything and nothing was urgent so I took a rest day.  Sometimes it is easier to give in then to push through.  Usually when I push I screw things up anyways so might as well go the path of least resistance.

I went on-line to schedule our new vaccine with Walmart.  I was able to schedule mine with no problem but the system kicked me out before I was through with scheduling Jims.  I went back to start over and noticed the time I had picked for him was missing.  I thought maybe the request had gone through so I called Walmart to check.  The first time I called I got hold of someone that was hard for me to understand and was working out of a call center somewhere.  She told me they didn’t have the new vaccine which counter indicated what the web site said.  I’m not sure where she was located.  She was rather rude and not very informed.

I got frustrated with her and told her she wasn’t helpful and hung up on her.  I called back and got someone that was in the store.  The one I got this time said they didn’t have someone like that in the store so she wasn’t sure who I had talked to.  They do have the vaccine but in limited supply so I changed our appointment from next week to tomorrow as the lady thought they would be out by next week.  Maybe that is why I had trouble with Jim’s appointment which made me call the store.

Tomorrow night a few of my friends are gathering at my house to celebrate the Fall Equinox.  I’m grateful they are coming.  My soul needs this gathering and grounding time.  We will each set intentions of inner things that we want to change our relationship with.  I need to spend some time with myself and decide what those three things will be for me.

Sunday I am going over to Manhattan to visit some friends visiting from Ecuador.  I haven’t seen them for a long time so it will be nice to see them.  Another joint friend will also be joining us.  It will be a fun afternoon.  I think Jim is going to stay behind as he has a class to teach Monday and he needs to finish his notes and PowerPoint slides.

Monday we are gathering at my house to do the Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter.  So far we have five coming to help us so it will go fast.  I need to decide what I am going to fix for lunch.  We have room for more at the table and to help us stuff the Newsletter.  When there are lots of hands it turns the work into fun.  Come join us!

Jm stopped at the Vet’s office to pick up Tony’s insulin while he was in town today.  The cats and dogs all needed Bravecto and the dogs needed HeartGuard for the next three months.  Tony also needed needles.  Jim spent over $600.  Man!  Pets are expensive.

We have another sick chicken.  Jim predicted the last one would die but am hoping he is wrong on this one.  We have lost three the last month.  Still not sure what is wrong with them but not going to spend money to find out as sometimes there is no answer.

The temperature dropped today like a rock.  It was in the low 90’s earlier and is now 66.  I laid down for a bit this afternoon to try to get rid of a headache and the sound of the wind wore me out.  There is a storm blowing in that is to bring us some rain.  I welcome the rain but the wind can chill.  It is going to be sweater weather tomorrow as the high is going to be in the low 60’s.  I’m glad I got my fireplace fixed as I may need it in the morning.

Grateful we got our vaccines scheduled, grateful the pets have their meds for the next three months, and grateful our gathering is tomorrow.

 

Went to Emporia this morning and bought groceries.  Not sure what all I got but I spent over $200.  I don’t buy meat at the grocery store.  I am really noticing the price increases.  Stopped to get an iced tea at McDonald’s for the ride home and discovered it is no longer $1.  Dang it anyways!

Mowed the yard this afternoon.  Had to do it in two sessions as I got hot.  The wind was blowing a bit and I came in itchy and dirty.  Finished the yard after dinner and then took an early shower.  Still rubbing grit out of my eyes and ears.

Our guest is coming tomorrow but not sure when  – probably late afternoon.  I don’t have anything urgent on my calendar for tomorrow so will do some little things around the house.  There is always cleaning to do if the mood strikes.  I do need to take the gas cans and fill them up as both are empty.  I like to keep them full in case we need gas for one of the cars.  I doubt that I will have to mow more than two more times this year but we will see when it decides to freeze.

Took a day off from password work today.  I needed to step away from it.  I probably only have an hour or two left and then am going to call it quits.  Enough is enough.  That type of work can drive me to drink and cuss.

Mowing helped me get a bit more grounded.  Moving my body is usually helpful when I get stuck or am empty.  Mowing bounces me around and seems to help clear energy blocks.  It gets me outside which is also helpful.

I sent an application to the election board to become a poll worker for the November election.  I don’t know if Chase County is needing workers but decided to apply in case they do.  I want to find some ways to get involved in the elections and being a poll worker is something I could do.

Next Monday some friends are coming to help stuff the Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter.  We will be starting around 9:30 and should be done before 3:00 if we get several volunteers.  I will fix a light lunch for all that come.  If anyone wants to come join us please do so.  Many hands make the job go fast and it seems we always have fun conversations while we work.

Grateful the yard is mowed, grateful the pantry is restocked, and grateful this heat wave is almost over.

 

 

Not a very productive day.  Both of us felt tired today.  Jim took a long nap this afternoon but I stayed awake hoping I will sleep better tonight.

I did get part of the basement cleaned for our guest that is coming Wednesday.  I also got the master bathroom cleaned today.  Have a bit more cleaning to do tomorrow and then I will be ready for our guest.

Went to Cottonwood Falls to settle my overdraft.  How embarrassing to have an overdraft due to the account being closed.  I went to the bank and got cash so there would be no doubt about it being good this time.  While I was in town I went to the court house to ask how we change the names on our car titles.  All three titles are titled as individual and we need to change them too and/or. Someday this week we will both go back with the required documents and make that happen.

I was up early this morning so watched part of the Queen’s services on TV.  What a display of pageantry and ceremony.  How hard it must be for her family to have to grieve in public as they do.  Grateful not to be in their shoes.

Tomorrow I need to go to Emporia and get some groceries.  I haven’t taken he time to shop for groceries since we got home from vacation.  We have picked up a few things here and there but I need to make a big shopping trip and restock things like flour, sugar, etc.

Jim taught the first of three OSHER classes this morning.  He will spend this week putting together his second class for next Monday morning.  He sure enjoys teaching.  I couldn’t begin to count how many hours he puts in to put together a class.  Good thing he enjoys what he is doing.

I am slowly getting my desk cleaned up and my notes gone through and coming to an end of the password changes.  I have the new passwords stored in my new password manager app, on iCloud password manager and in a written format in a book.  I have double checked all the on-line bill pay accounts and feel fairly confident I have changed all of them.  I’m sure though that one or two will pop up over the next couple of months that I have forgotten about – those that I only pay annually.  I will sort those out as they pop up.

Still feeling a bit ungrounded and restless.  The energy of the fraudulent activity and window break-in seems to be dissipating which is good.  However, it has left me feeling a bit drained and empty.  I am grateful that Thursday is the Equinox and I will be doing ceremony with some dear friends.  That will help me get grounded and refocused.

Grateful the overdraft got covered today, grateful the password work is complete, and grateful for the cleaning I got done today.

Nicole and Geoff stopped by for a very short visit around noon.  They were on their way home from the Bluegrass Festival in Winfield.  I had some beef for them to pick up and take home.  It was good to see them for a hot minute.

I took a nap this afternoon.  I didn’t sleep well at all last night.  I would fall asleep and then 30 minutes later be awake.  That went on all night.  The storm that rolled through woke me up.  The thunder was loud and the lightning was sharp and close.  We were on the tail end of the system that mostly went north of us.  We ended up with .7 inches of rain.  Grateful for every drop.

I started recording in a book all my passwords, bank account information, etc.  It is tedious and is going to take me a bit to finish as I can work on it for a bit and then have to take a break.  I realized once I started that I need to do it in pencil as I’m sure over time I will be changing passwords, etc.  I wonder in 10 years from now what we will be using to log on.  Maybe someone will devise a simplify yet safe method of logging in.

I grilled tenderloin steaks for dinner tonight.  It makes a very delicious and easy meal to fix.  No leftovers to deal with.  The tenderloins are not very big but they are my favorite steak.  No fat on them and no bones to cut around.  I managed to grill them to perfection tonight.  That doesn’t always happen although the more I grill, the better I am getting at it.

Tomorrow I need to go to the Chamber office in Cottonwood Falls to cover a bounced check.  The check I wrote was held for a bit and by the time it was presented to the bank the account I wrote it on was locked due to the fraudulent activity on that account.  I had told the bank to watch for it but it slipped through and got returned.  The bank is to reimburse me for the over draft charges.  I find it embarrassing to have to deal with it.

I have a friend coming to stay a couple nights starting Wednesday.  I need to go downstairs and do some cleaning so everything is ready for his visit.  He first came to stay when I ran the Airbnb and he came to Emporia to play disc golf.  He has stayed with me twice before.  Jim especially enjoys visiting with him.  Not sure how long he is staying but we don’t have any plans to go anywhere so it doesn’t matter.

Thursday is Fall Equinox and I have some friends coming over to help me celebrate.  This is the time of the year that we go inward and set intentions to uncover those things inside that feel a bit like a thorn in our side.  Changing our relationship with the thorn helps life feel easier.  I have found much power in stating my intentions out loud in front of others.  Name it and claim it!

We reached 97 today.  I am ready for these last days of summer to be over.  Thankfully the temperature is to drop on Thursday.  Trusting these are the last 90 plus degree days we will see this year.  I’m not ready for winter but I am ready for fall.

Feeling a bit ungrounded yet.  I need to get back to my Doulagiver material and get that project rolling again.  I feel like I am drifting without a direction right now.  I allowed the fraudulent activity to pull me off-center and am struggling to find middle ground again.  Trusting the Equinox ceremony will help me regroup and reground.  We are going to smudge this time and am thinking that will help remove the remainder of the negative energy I picked up on vacation.  Experiencing two unexpected traumas back-to-back overwhelmed my system.  I have not had something like this happen before and it has been interesting on some level to watch myself process it all.

Grateful to see Nicole and Geoff today, grateful for the delicious beef in my freezer, and grateful for Sunday afternoon naps.

Got a bit done today.  Baked Jim a double batch of Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies this morning.  I freeze most of them in packages of 18 and bring them out as needed.

Finally got Microsoft Word to work on Jim’s laptop.  Still not completely fixed but at least he has access to documents and can write letters.  I tried to make an appointment with the Genius Bar in Leawood at the Apple Store so they can make Word 100% installed correctly.  I was going in circles so called the store.  It connected me to someone somewhere but not in the store.  The guy I spoke to on the phone could only make appointments for this coming week.  I wanted one when we go back to KC October 6.  The guy messed around trying to find the link I could use to book an appointment myself and couldn’t find it.  Duh!  You would have thought he would have known that.  I have to call a week before and go through this again to book an appointment.  You would think a Tech Company would make it easy.

Did a bit more work on changing some beneficiaries on some accounts we have.  We are attempting to get our affairs in order.  It seems like we have a lot of little things to take care of to make the happen.  Still easier now than if something happened to one of us and the other was trying to sort through it all.  When I get it all changed, I need to make a master list of what we have where and how to contact each of the places.  Jim doesn’t like doing this sort of thing and will struggle to figure it all out if he needed to.

Did a bit more password changing work today.  I do OK until I hit a hard one and start going in circles and then I have to walk away from it for a bit.  Sometimes I can figure out what I was doing wrong and sometimes I never do figure out what I do differently to make it work.

Got a short rain twice today.  Had very small hail with one of the two storms.  We were on the tail end of both of the storms so only got about .3 of rain.  Sure could use more rain.  Saw a rainbow after the second rain tonight.

Tried to blog on my iPad and the site wouldn’t come up.  Came into the study and got on my desktop and it came right up.  I think Technology is messing with me and trying my patience level.  I am failing!  Can I just fail that class and move on?

I haven’t been able to keep the day of week straight in my mind since we have come home from vacation.  It felt like a Sunday today.  I was surprised the Apple store was open and then remembered it was Saturday and not Sunday.  Guess I will get to have two Sunday’s this week.

Tomorrow afternoon Nicole and Geoff are stopping by on their way home from the Bluegrass Festival in Winfield to pick up their beef.  It will be nice to see them for a hot minute or two.  They won’t be able to stay long as they need to get home and get ready for their week.

We have been under a boil water advisory and saw on Facebook it was lifted today.  I don’t realize how much water I use for drinking until I can’t use tap water.  Glad they were able to get the broken line repaired and have good drinking water again.

Tomorrow I want to doublecheck all my auto payment changes and make sure I haven’t missed one.  My notes are starting to become cluttered and I need to check all of them one more time and then let it go.  I am driving myself to drink over this and enough is enough.

Grateful for the rainbow today, grateful Microsoft Word is functional on Jim’s laptop, and grateful Jim’s cookie supply is replenished.

 

 

 

 

 

Had a rough night trying to find sleep last night.  Finally took some Tylenol PM around 4:00 and then I crashed.  Slept most of the morning but have felt hung over since.  Not one of my better days.

Tagen text me and ask if he could bring his girlfriend out at sunset to ask her to go to the Homecoming Dance.  Then around 3:30 he sent me a text asking if I would fix them spaghetti for dinner.  I had all the ingredients needed to make it on hand so Tagen, his girlfriend Lily, Michelle and Ellexia joined us for dinner.  It was a fun and relaxing evening.  I’m glad he asked to come out.

I had made the grandkids cookies earlier today so they took those home with them.  This week they requested No Bake Chocolate Cookies.  Those are easy to make.  Tomorrow I need to bake Jim some cookies.

My checks for the new bank accounts came in today so I can pay bills if needed again.  Slowly things are getting back to normal as far as my banking is concerned.  The state estimated income tax was withdrawn from my account today.  It was a day late so hoping they won’t charge me a fee.

No plans for the weekend.  Hoping I will sleep tonight and wake up with more energy tomorrow.  My tummy has been a bit upset this evening.  Hopefully it will settle down soon and tomorrow will be a better day.  I think my tummy is showing the effects of all the stress of the last week or so.  I ate way too many foods that had flour in them the last three weeks.  I can tolerate a bit of it but I surpassed my limit.  Back on plan now so that will help my tummy settle down.

We enjoyed sitting out on the deck after dinner watching the sunset.  At one point the sun looked like it had a face on it as it passed through some clouds on the way down.  There were some beautiful sun rays bouncing off the sun and clouds tonight too.

Grateful the kids came out for dinner, grateful the checks came in, and grateful that tomorrow is a new day.

 

We went to KC today to meet with our attorney to sort out our wills and trust.  I  enjoy the time with our attorney.  He is down to earth, practical and business like.  I was a bit surprised at what he suggested we do as I had a different route in mind but I trust him and understand why he made the recommendation he made.  We will go back in three weeks to sign all the papers and make everything official.

I have a bit of homework to do between now and then to change some beneficiaries, titles, etc.  Nothing urgent in any of it so I will do it as I can.  Just trying to make things easy in case something happens to one or the other of us.  Easier to do now than in the midst of grieving and pain.  I tried to simplify what I want to happen when I die.  At least now I understand it better and hoping Jim does too.

First thing this morning I checked my bank account to see if the KS Estimated Income Tax had been withdrawn from my old checking account.  It had not.  I called my bank and they told me they had not put a note on the old account to allow the withdrawal and informed me they had bounced another check that had been presented.  Ugh!  Both of these things they had promised me they would take care of to prevent the automatic withdrawal from being denied and they agreed to cover checks presented.

I called the State of KS Tax Department and got a lady that knew what she was doing.  She helped me do a direct withdrawal to pay the tax out of my new checking account and recommended telling the bank to not allow one against the old account.  She also cancelled the January withdrawal so I won’t have to worry about that one.  I will mail a voucher and check to the state when it is due.

I called the bank back and had them transfer the money we had transferred earlier back to the new checking account.  Man this stuff is going to drive me to drink!

When I checked the account this afternoon I noticed the old account had changed from locked to closed.  I will have to call and ask about that as they were to leave it open so my social security deposit will come through as scheduled for the next two months.  Social Security takes over two months to change banking information.  Round and round I go chasing my tail!

I called the place that I had written the check that bounced and told them I would bring a new check plus return fees to them tomorrow.  They asked me to wait until Monday as they are busy tomorrow.  The bank is to reimburse me for the overdraft charges.  It is embarrassing to have a check that bounces.

I got the two new replacement credit cards in the mail today.  Jim got his replacement debit card on our joint account.  The bank also sent me a debit card for the money market account.  I had told them I didn’t want one.  Oh well, for some reason I guess I am to have one handy just in case.

Last night I was able to change about 20 passwords.  It went easy for the most part.  I am finally figuring out some little tricks that make it easier.  I learned I have to enter the website address on the new password manager site and then check it to make sure it works.  I will have to go back to the ones I did earlier and confirm all of them have the proper web address and then maybe I can switch to using the new password manager.  I still need to figure out how to link it to my iPad and iPhone.  It looks like I will have to make a phone call to their support team for help on that.

One by one, things are getting sorted out.  They don’t always work the way I intend for them to work but work arounds appear when I need them.  Maybe there is a lesson in all of this for me to learn how to be flexible and stay out of anticipation.  That has been a lesson I have been working on for some time now.  When I can stay present with what is and not be anticipating what is going to happen, life is easier and more fun.  Easier said than done for me sometimes though.

Grateful for the lady at the tax department today that was most helpful, grateful for my attorney, and grateful for the lessons life is teaching me.

 

Happy birthday to my oldest daughter Michelle.  She has become a wonderful mother, daughter, wife and friend to many.  I am so proud of her.  But how did she get to be 42?  Where does the time go?

Worked on changing some more passwords today.  I finally have all the passwords changed that were involved in a security breach according to iCloud password manager.  I still have lots of duplicate passwords to change.  Some sure go fast and some take me an hour to change.  I keep learning little things along the way.  Maybe by the time I change all of the remaining 67 duplicate passwords I will have learned all there is to know.  Most of the remaining are accounts that I only used once and will not use again.  I am deleting many of them.

Got the new tires put on my car today.  They showed me the old ones.  The inside rim of the tires were worn completely out.  I have an appointment to get the wheels aligned later this month.  Jim says it is unusual that the tires should have worn like that as the car only has 39,000 miles on it.  I have had them rotated as recommended.  BJ at the station said he sees it all the time in SUV’s.  Thankful for Dieker’s and the care they take of my car.

We did some work on Jim’s financial information today.  We are changing my trust and changing beneficiaries on some accounts.  He doesn’t like doing that type of thing.  I helped him get on-line and print the change forms we need.  I need to get those completed and mailed.  One of them needs notarized and I can’t notarize something for an immediate family member so we will take it to our attorney’s appointment tomorrow and get someone there to notarize it for us.

It is a pain to do all this type of thing but it feels good to have it done.  We may have more homework to do after the visit with the attorney tomorrow.  Trusting this will be the last time we have to change our wills and beneficiaries.

Tomorrow we go to KC for a 1:30 appointment with our attorney.  We may stop afterwards and have lunch and maybe a quick stop at Costco.  I don’t have many things on my list but Jim enjoys going.  I’m sure we will find somethings that we can’t live without if we stop.  Nicole is out of town so won’t be able to stop and visit with her.

Jim ordered a stone marker for the top of our driveway.  It is ready to come home.  We have to figure out how to unload it from the back of a pickup.  We will need a fork on a tractor to pick it up and put it down where it will belong.  Jim will work on getting the spot for it level and a gravel bed put down.  It will be fun to have it home and on display.

No plans for this weekend.  Nicole and Geoff will be stopping by for a short visit Sunday so they can pick up there beef.  They are at the Winfield Bluegrass Festival and will stop on there way home.  It will be good to see them for a brief little bit.

Starting to feel the pull inwards that happens this time of year.  Fall Equinox is next week and the next three months are usually difficult ones for me emotionally.  I turn inwards and work on those things within that I need to change my relationship with.  I used to try to get rid of them but learned I was throwing away a part of me.  Everything has two sides and when I run into something internally that I don’t like, I am learning how to flip it over and see the benefits it brings me.  Not always easy work but oh so important to do.  My flaws are many times my best teacher.

Grateful for Dieker’s and the care they provide for my car, grateful for my daughter Michelle and all the love and joy she brings to me and others, and grateful for the lessons and rhythm Mother Nature provides us if we are willing to tune in and learn.

 

 

Had a delightful lunch with two college classmates of Jim’s.  They were both lovely people and I enjoyed our conversation.  Lunch was easy to fix and serve.

I haven’t gotten much else done today.  I laid down for a short nap this afternoon but didn’t sleep long.  I didn’t have a good night’s sleep last night am feeling tired again today.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow.  I did some house cleaning this morning so won’t have to do that tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow I can get back to my Doulagiver material and see what I need to do to get things wrapped up.

I had a reminder today about how important the Doulagiver work is.  A friend of my daughter died and his surviving brother has no idea what his brother wanted as his final legacy.  It is a wonderful gift to give your family to make your final wishes known and recorded.

Thursday we are going to KC to meet with our attorney to make some changes to our wills.  We haven’t changed them since we got married.  I want to simplify my will and make it easier for all to understand what I want to happen.  I also want to make a change to my living will.  I learned in class that giving a dying person fluids is not a good idea as it can cause pain and discomfort.  My living will has a request to use fluids and I want that removed.

Still working on password changes.  Sure wish I knew what I was doing sometimes.  Sometimes they go so easy and other times I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong.  I go round and round and can’t find my way out of the circle I create.  It is hard when you can’t see what you are typing for security reasons.  Sometimes the site will let you reveal it and some sites won’t.

I didn’t hear from the Vo-Tech teacher so will need to try another avenue tomorrow to find a tech person to make a house call.  Anyone know of someone you can recommend?

Grateful to have some of Jim’s friends for lunch, grateful for a free day tomorrow, and grateful the password situation is getting closer to being done.