Starry night on the prairie

We had a beautiful Spring Equinox Ceremony last night.  Six of us gathered and welcomed spring to the prairie.  We each planted our intentions for the coming months.  It is so delightful to have a group of friends where one can be vulnerable and sit with them as each share.  I’m so blessed to have each of them in my life.

I haven’t done much today.  I got to stay home all day today.  I have something on my calendar for the next four days and needed a day at home to prepare myself for the busy days ahead.  I usually don’t leave the house that many days in a row.  I may be wiped out by Saturday afternoon.

I was surprised that I wasn’t wiped out this morning.  Usually being around a group drains me but that didn’t happen this time.  Probably because we took some time at the beginning of the ceremony to ground ourselves and set the intention that we would remain grounded throughout.  I need to remember to that more often.

I think my central nervous system is finally calming down.  I was stuck in Fight or Flight for so long that it was working overtime to keep me safe.  I realized last night that I finally felt like “me” again for the first time in a long, long time.

The chicks are doing well.  I have tended to them a couple times today and nothing was amiss.  They seem to like having the extra space and are behaving themselves.  The littlest ones are three weeks old today.  Three more weeks before I can move them outside.

It is nice to go into the furnace room and not have water on the floor.  Grateful the booster pump got replaced and the source of the water leak fixed.

I still need to get down and clean out the chicken coop.  It was too cold to do so again today.  We only reached the mid 40’s today.  It is to be 75 tomorrow but I will believe it when I see it.  I am meeting someone for lunch tomorrow but maybe when I get home it will be warm and I can get the coop cleaned out.

I am meeting a friend in Council Grove tomorrow.  I happened to notice the Grove Gardens has fresh strawberries for sale.  I may stop and get a case and make some jam, etc.  If nothing else, I will freeze them.  I love strawberries and like to keep them on hand.  I won’t eat the jam but betting I can find someone that would like it.  Sounds like it will be a beautiful day to go for a drive to Council Grove.

Sitting in a peaceful place this afternoon.  I had a rough part of the day yesterday but I am pleased with how quickly I recovered.  It still feels like my soul box is filled with cotton puffs and not something more solid.  I deplete quickly at times.  It does feel today like something shifted in me last night and the cotton puffs feel a bit more solid today.  I’ll see how I do this week with four days of events to attend.

I’m so grateful I have lots of empty space to process my feelings and allow myself this time to heal.  I am starting to feel a bit restless and like I need to find a project to do.  Maybe when I come back from Vegas in two weeks I will be ready to tackle something more.  I need to get back to my death doula work and contact some people and tie up some loose ends from that.  Before that felt too big to take on but it feels possible today.

I do have the deck painting project in front of me this spring when it finally warms up and stays warm.  That will keep me busy for several weeks.  I plan on organizing a painting party one weekend and will get some help to do part of it.  It shouldn’t be too much longer before I can start painting.

Grateful for my tribe, grateful for my healing journey progress, and grateful for a quiet day on the prairie.

 

Happy Spring Equinox!  One of two days of the year where there is an equal amount of light and darkness.  It is a time to plant your intentions for the upcoming year.  What is it within you that you want more of?  What gifts do you have that you share with the world?

I texted the plumber this morning to inform him that I needed a new hand sink kitchen faucet when they come out to replace the booster pump.  I again asked him if they had found a booster pump.

He let me know they would find a faucet but didn’t know anything about the booster pump yet.  30 minutes later he texted they were on their way out with both!  Yay!

They showed up and looked at the booster pump.  The sales rep they dealt with told them some new instructions for installation of it and they had to go back to town to get parts.

They came back and got the new booster pump hooked up and running.  They then came upstairs and replaced the faucet.  Good thing they came when they did as they discovered the faucet was starting to leak under the sink.

I am grateful that both of those projects got crossed off my pending list.  Not sure I want to see the bill when it comes in a few days but I will deal with that when it comes.

Now I can clean up the floor in the furnace room and it will stay dry.  I have been tracking chicken wood carvings all over the house as the floor has been wet and icky.

I went to Emporia this afternoon to get a nut to fix the chick feeder.  I had trouble finding a helper at Bluestem.  Finally did but found out Bluestem didn’t carry the size of nut I needed.  They had one size too small and one size too big.  Ended up having to buy a whole new feeder.  That was an expensive nut!

Went to Walmart to get some flowers for tonight’s Spring Equinox celebration. They were out of fresh flowers and didn’t have any good looking small plants.  Got one thing and then left.

I went to Water’s Hardware and found what I needed.  I came home cranky.  May take a short nap so I will be ready for tonight’s ceremony.

I definitely did not hold my consciousness level above the mid-point in town today.  I got frustrated trying to find someone to help me at Bluestem.  Then frustrated again when Walmart was out of fresh flowers.   I hate driving to town in vain.

After I get done blogging I need to go down and clean the furnace room floor.  It will be a pain to do so as that room is crowded with the two chick pens and not much room to move in.  There are two extension cords in the way and lots of spilled wood carvings and feed on the floor.  Yuck!

The wind is in a big hurry today.  The highest wind gust on the prairie so far has been 44.8 MPH but it sounds and feels like it is higher than that.  It doesn’t seem to slow down much at all.  This is one of those days where the sound of the wind could drive me over the edge of the cliff.

Just wrote a whole paragraph that disappeared on my iPad.  I hit some key somewhere on my keyboard and it causes that to happen.  Wish I knew what I was hitting so it wouldn’t hit it again.

Trying to figure out why I feel so out of balance this afternoon.  Have a feeling the birthday party yesterday drained me and I went to town too empty.  Next time I go to town I need to remember to check my energy level and see if my tank is full or not.

I’m grateful our Spring Equinox celebration is tonight as that will help me restore my balance and grounding.  I don’t think I have to leave the house tomorrow so that will be a good day to build my reserves back up.  I have somewhere to be Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  Yikes!  I’m not usually that busy.  Next week will be a quieter week thank heavens.

Grateful the booster pump and kitchen faucet have been replaced, grateful the Spring Equinox celebration is tonight, and grateful I found some flowers at the Hardware store.

What a fun afternoon we had.  Three friends came over to help me celebrate Kathy’s birthday.  Wine, cheese, grapes and birthday cake were enjoyed.  Conversation was fun and lively.  It was good to gather and celebrate Kathy’s birthday and her return to KS.

The chicks have been well behaved today.  They seem to enjoy having more space.  They still dump over their water and feed containers but no one has escaped today.  It is a bit tricky to get to both pens as the space is limited.  My water booster pump is leaking so there is water on the floor, extension cords to the heat lamps to step over, and spilled feed and wood carvings on the floor. So far I have managed to get to them without slipping or breaking something.

I cleaned house this morning.  It is so nice to have the chicks downstairs and out of the dining room.  It is nice to have a clean upstairs this evening.  I feel better when my house is clean.

Today would have been Jim and my 3rd wedding anniversary so it is a bit of a bittersweet day.  Hard to imagine three years ago turned into this.  If I had only known then what I know now.  Better late than never I guess.  Grateful I am on my path to healing and recovery and the past is becoming a more distant memory.

Tomorrow morning I need to text my plumber and let him know to bring a new kitchen sink faucet with him when he comes out to replace the booster pump.  The faucet at the hand sink has something broken in it and it can be tricky to turn off.  Dang!  There seems to always be something breaking around here.

Tomorrow night some friends are coming over so we can celebrate the Spring Equinox together.  I love our ceremonies and have found them to be very helpful and enlightening over the years.  They seem to grow in power the more we do them.  I’m glad I got my cleaning done today so I can enjoy tomorrow.

I need to go to town tomorrow and get a different feeder for one of the chicken pens.  The tiny nut that holds the top of the feeder on the base has disappeared and the chickens keep wasting more food than they eat.  I wish I could find a better watering container that didn’t tip over so easy but due to space limitations I don’t think there is one.  I will check again to make sure I didn’t miss seeing one last time I looked.  I will pick up another bag of chick feed while I am at the store.  The chicks are going through a bag a week right now.

It has been another day full of sunshine on the prairie.  It only reached to low 40’s so was a chilly day.  It is to warm up the rest of the week with a chance of rain several days.  We are in a fire watch for the next couple of days due to the dry conditions and high winds.  We need rain badly or fire season will be a dangerous one this year.

I need to remember to call and schedule a haircut before I go to Vegas.  I get my hair cut about every two months and it is almost time for a haircut.  Maybe my hair dresser can work me in tomorrow or Tuesday and I can get a haircut when I go get chick feed and save a trip to town.

I used my new feeling cards to see if I could find words to describe where I am this afternoon.  The words that I pulled out were relaxed, peaceful, content and calm.  I was surprised but grateful that on this bittersweet day that is where I am at.  I can look back at our wedding day with almost an observer perspective and distant myself from the emotions of it.  I am starting to remember more and more of things that happened that should have served as red flags to me but I chose at the time to ignore them.

The boundaried class I took yesterday helped me understand the toll it took on my body and reminded me of how my body can and should feel.  Grateful to be on this side of things and on my path of recovery and healing.

Grateful for Kathy, grateful to our friends that came over today to help us celebrate, and grateful to be where I am today mentally and spiritually.

This has been a day that the chicks took up a lot of my time.  This morning I noticed one of the chicks had blood in her tail area.  The other chicks were picking at it.  I washed the blood off of her and tried to put her back in the nursery.  The other chicks immediately came after her again and made her bleed again.

I got the cat carrier and put the wounded chick in it and set the carrier by the fireplace.  I left her in there the rest of the day.

Kathy and I went to Emporia to eat at Union Social for dinner.  When we came home I checked the nursery.  All seemed well but I kept hearing a peep that seemed out of place.  Looked at the floor and there were chicken droppings in several places.  One of the chicks had flown the coop and was on the floor.  Kathy came up and helped me corner the little darling and we returned her to the nursery.

I put the wounded chick back in the nursery and so far all is well.  Her tail area didn’t show any visible sign of blood and they seem to be leaving her alone.

Kathy helped me move the big dog crate into the furnace room.  I put stuff up against the edges of it and turned it into a chick nursery. If my little escape artists do their thing, I may have to wrap it in chicken wire.  We moved the table from the dining room downstairs too and now have two nurseries.  They were getting too big to all be in the same nursery.

We will see how they get along in the two pens.  I could not handle the mess and smell having them upstairs for another day.  My floors are dusty and dirty upstairs and the smell was giving me a headache.  I did some more reading about moving them outside and realized it is going to be two more weeks before I can safely move them outside.  I would have moved out of my own house before then if I had to keep them upstairs for two more weeks.

I swear this group of chicks is giving me a run for my money.  The last group of chicks I got in August so could start them outside as it was warm out.  It has been five years since I have had chicks in the house and I forgot what a mess they make.  I may never do it again this time of year.  It is much easier starting them in the chicken coop.

This afternoon Kathy and I watched a zoom meeting from the lady that teaches boundaries.  She is an excellent teacher and we both got a lot out of the class.  She had us write out what we experience in various parts of our bodies when we don’t remember who we are.  She then has us write out what we experience when we come home to ourselves and remember who we are.

I am still considering taking her eight week class on boundaries but need to figure out when the timing is right for me.  It will have to be after my Vegas trip and before my England trip.  I’m not sure what her schedule is so will explore that.  This teacher takes a bit different approach on boundaries and I resonated with what she had to say today.  Her class is a bit pricey but may be worth it.  I’ll see where I am in my healing journey in another month or so and decide what I want to do.

Dinner at Union Social was outstanding.  I never stop being amazed at how Amanda provides such excellent service and food, each and every time.  Every restaurant can have an off day but somehow Amanda never seems to let that happen.

Trusting tomorrow will be a calmer chick day around here.  At least it will be easier for me to ignore them now that they are downstairs.

After I get done blogging I need to clean my floors upstairs.  I need to get rid of the chick smell – it is gross.  I can’t believe how much dust and dirt the chicks caused.

Taking the class today stirred up some emotions for me but I was grateful to see how far I have come these last five months.

Grateful for teachers that appear when the student is ready, grateful the chicks are downstairs, and grateful for outstanding restaurants like Union Social.

And a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all.  May the luck of the Irish be with each of us.

I went to Emporia this afternoon to pick up some groceries and other things on my list.  It was a quick trip to town and back home.  I didn’t have any other errands to run.  I managed to get to Walmart today and get everything on my list.

When I walked in my house when I got home I noticed an icky smell.  The chicks had dumped their water four times on the new wood shavings I gave them yesterday and their pen smelled to high heaven already.

Kathy helped me catch the little buggers and put them in a box and then she held the trash bag open while I used the dust pan to scoop up the wet shavings.  Put fresh shavings down and put the chicks back in the nursery.

I put some rocks I had in the water bottles to give them a bit more weight hoping they won’t tip them over so fast this time.  So far, so good.  They keep scratching up the wood chips though and it covers the watering lid.  I dump them out about every hour.  Wish there was an easier way to keep the chicks in fresh water.  When I put them outside next week I can put a big watering can in the big house and it will stay cleaner.

I looked up when I can moved the chicks outside and most articles I read said the earliest is four weeks.  Yikes!  The bigger 10 will be four weeks on Thursday.  We will see if I can wait another full week or not.  I can put two heat lamps in the big pen and I think they should be OK.  I would hate to lose them though after all the work I have put into them so far.  Maybe I will move out for a week and let them have the house!  I might have to move the chicks to the furnace room downstairs if I decide not to move them to the big house Tuesday.  They are getting on my last nerve and I want to reclaim my dining room and living room.

The doctor’s nurse called me this morning to let me know the blood test results were all normal and the EKG was normal.  She said not to worry about my low heart rate unless I become symptomatic.  Ummmm…..  OK I guess.  The doctor had added a thyroid test to the panel he had run yesterday.  My TSH is down to 3.58 which is better than it has been for a bit.  Still a touch too high but coming down.  My magnesium level was in the middle of the range which is good.

Wondering if it is the sleeping aid I take that is causing my problems.  I looked up the side effects of it and they mentioned it can cause a rapid heart rate but no mention of it causing a slow one.  Maybe I will quit wearing my smart watch at night and not worry about it.

It was Kathy’s turn to fix dinner tonight and she fixed chicken stir fry.  She was kind enough to let me get my portion before she added the Teriyaki sauce and rice to hers.  It is such a treat to have someone else fix dinner.

Tomorrow night is my night to cook.  I made reservations at Union Social for both of us.  Kathy’s birthday is Sunday and that will be my present to her.  I love Union Social and have been looking for an excuse to go eat there again.

I ordered two sets of cards that have different feelings on one set and different needs on the other.  One thing I am struggling with lately is naming my feelings and needs.  Once I can name them, I can release whatever energy comes up around them.  I needed to expand my choices a bit and trust that these cards will give me more food for thought.

I went so long without having my needs met and having my feelings shamed that I stopped naming them.  I got out of the habit of naming them and trust that the cards will help remind me of what I am feeling/needing.

Tomorrow afternoon I am watching a free Zoom lesson on co-dependency vs inter-dependent.  It is being put on by the lady that had the Facebook video on boundaries that I found so helpful back in October.  She offers an eight week course on boundaries that I may take.  It is a bit pricy so have resisted signing up but if tomorrow is helpful I may bite the bullet and take her class.

Grateful the chicks pen is smell free for the moment, grateful my Walmart trip is done for the week, and grateful the blood work was all normal.

This has been an eventful day on the prairie.  I changed out the girls linens this morning.  I made a mess as the nursery pen let the wood shavings fall on the floor.  I got that all cleaned up and put the girls back in the nursery with fresh wood shavings.

I heard a ruckus for a bit and finally yelled at them to be quiet.  As if that would do any good but to my surprise they immediately quieted down.  Complete radio silence followed.  That is weird so after about ten minutes I got up to see why.  I was afraid I had given them a heart attack for yelling at them.

The corner of the nursery pen had slipped over the edge of the table the nursery is on and about 10 of the chicks had fallen overboard.  As I walked up to them they scattered and went every which way.

I shored up the nursery pen using free weights and then using my dining room chairs made a pen on the floor to corner the little bastards, I mean darlings!  I got them back into their nursery and then had to clean the floor up again.  Before I got the floor cleaned up they tipped over one of the watering containers and it dripped water on the floor.

I almost went down and cleaned out the chicken coop and moved them outside today.  The temperature has dropped 30 degrees this afternoon and the wind is howling.  Not a good day to move them to the big house but oh was I tempted.

They have since settled down and things are back to normal although I am still a bit pissed at them.  Looking at the forecast it looks like it will stay above freezing after Tuesday next week and I can get them moved outside then.  Trusting they won’t change the forecast and that gets delayed.  The chicks and I are barely on speaking terms and if this get drags out too much longer we won’t be.

I met a friend in Cottonwood Falls for lunch today.  Always a treat to spend time with a friend.

I sent a note to my doctor informing him of my low pulse readings at night.  He wanted me to come in this afternoon for some blood tests and a EKG.  While I was in town I stopped and got a few things from two different stores and then did the doctor thing. I was going to stop at Walmart but decided to come home instead.  It was cold and windy out and I didn’t want to make another stop.

I got a phone call from someone saying they were from Evergy and they had taken over my electric service and were going to disconnect me in one hour unless I gave them my credit card info over the phone.  I hung up on them and called my electric company just to make sure it was a fraud.  It was.  Dang those people anyways.  They need to get a real job!

Don’t have any plans for the next couple of days.  The weather is crappy this afternoon and we have a chance for some ice or snow.  Winter go away!  I’m tired of you and your bi-polar moods.  Come on spring!

Monday evening I will celebrate Spring Equinox with some of my friends.  It is always a good time and a grounding experience for me.  Following the cycle of Nature has taught me a lot over the years.  If one can slow down and appreciate the lessons from Mother Nature, life can be richer and easier.

In three weeks Michelle, Nicole and I are going to Vegas for three nights.  I’m looking forward to the trip and excited to be spending some time with my daughters.  I haven’t flown since Covid started so that will be a different experience for me.  I’ve heard the airlines have changed lots of things so will see what that is all about.  We fly out of the new terminal in KC.  Anxious to see what it is like now.

I was able to stay above mid-line of consciousness while in town today.  That is good.  I knew if I went to Walmart though I would not be able to maintain it.  Still I was out and about for over three hours and was able to maintain for that time.  Progress!

Grateful the chicks are back in their pen, grateful for lunch with a friend, and grateful I can stay home for the next two or three days.

Another night of being up for two to three hours in the middle of the night.  What is up with that?  Luckily I was able to get a long second sleep.  Feeling tired today though.  Wonder if it is the effect of the time change.  I don’t do time changes well.

I have taken a rest day today.  Just don’t have any motivation to find something to do.  I have taken care of the chicks and fed myself.  Not sure I have accomplished anything else today.  Somedays are like that.

It reached the low 60’s today but the wind has been gusting between 25 – 37 MPH all day.  I was going to clean out the chicken coop today but the wind makes that job difficult.  Decided to wait until I get a better day.  I will have to tolerate the dirty, messy chicks for another couple of days inside.  I need to give them fresh linens tonight or tomorrow since they will be inside for another couple of days.  Last week when I did that job, Piper was here to help me.  Piper please come back and visit.  I need your help!

Today is Roxy’s birthday.  She turned seven years old today.  A Great Pyrenees/Saint Bernard life span is 10 – 12 years so she is middle aged now.  Couldn’t tell it by the way she gets excited when guests arrive.  She has been a faithful dog and is very gentle, yet can be protective of me when she doesn’t like the looks of someone new.

I’m meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow and then am going to run some errands while I am out and about.  I need a few groceries and a couple other things from town.  It will be good to get out for a bit.  It is to rain tomorrow but it looks like it will be warm enough that we won’t get ice or snow.

I made an appointment for a week from Friday for an eye exam.  Kathy is going to get one too so we will both go to KC for the day.  We will have lunch with Nicole and then I want to make a Costco run before our eye appointments.  I have something I need to get to Nicole before our Vegas trip so will get that taken care of that day.  It will be a three-for-one type of trip.

I checked with my plumber and he hasn’t heard anything about the water booster pump yet.  I’m tired of mopping up water in the furnace room so hope the new one gets in soon.  I have the floor fan running to help dry the floor up a bit.  I go down twice a day and sweep the standing water into the floor drain.  I’m grateful it isn’t going out in to the hallway too much.  I need to get it replaced before water starts to spread out in the hallway and I can’t keep up with it.

My tummy is a bit upset today.  I usually eat chicken and occasionally I eat beef.  I had a hamburger for lunch yesterday, pot roast for dinner last night and then pot roast for lunch today.  I think I have eaten too much beef in a row.  I may skip dinner tonight and see if it will settle down and then go back to chicken for a few meals to see if that helps.  The pot roast was really good but eating it twice in a row is too much and not good for me.

This wind is blowing in the dust.  I did all the floors last week and they need done again.  We have a wind advisory for most of the rest of the week so may wait until the wind slows down before I clean them.  No use cleaning them only to have them need it again the next day.  The chicks add to the dust and dirt in the house too.  I am eagerly anticipating getting to move them outside very soon.

Found out a friend has Covid.  They were on a trip and just got back and discovered Covid hitched a ride and came home with her.  She has gone all this time without getting it.  Thankfully she is up to date on her vaccinations and should be OK.  She got the antibodies and was feeling better today.  I worry more about someone getting long Covid.  From those I know that have it, it is a beast to deal with.

I worry about getting Covid on my trip to Europe in September.  Sure hoping Covid has slowed down by then and I won’t get it.  Have a feeling it would ruin a trip if I pick it up along the way.

Feeling a bit blah today.  I’m still at base line of consciousness so haven’t fallen down the ladder but I don’t think it would take much to do so.  Trusting by tomorrow I will find some motivation to do something and get some things done.  Somedays it is best to do nothing and rest.  Grateful I have the space and time to do that when needed.

Grateful for Roxy and the love she brings to my life, grateful for sleep, however it comes, and grateful for rest days full of empty space.

John Deere called this morning and said they were on their way to pick up my mower to take it in for its annual check-up.  They didn’t show up for over an hour.  Hope they didn’t get lost and charge by the mile.  They will do the service on the mower and then bring it back to me within a week.

At noon time I went to the McDonald’s on the Turnpike for lunch.  Today is the last day there will be a McDonald’s at the Emporia Rest Area.  It will become a Subway and Taco John.  I told the lady that waited on me I used to own this store.  She was very friendly and we chatted for a bit.  She remembered Craig as he used to go to the Industrial store for food after we sold the stores.

As I was eating a customer came up to me.  He had overheard my conversation with the lady and asked me if he could sit with me for a minute.  He had been stopping at this store since he was 7 years old in 1988 when the store first opened.  He lives in OK and his grandparents live in Topeka.  He was sad the store was changing to something else.  He told me the store ran better back in the day.

I realized when I came home from my short visit to the Turnpike McDonald’s that I wasn’t drained.  I didn’t stay there very long and didn’t see anyone I knew but I did visit with two different people for a short bit.  I will take this as a sign of my healing progress.  I was able to hold my consciousness level about the mid-point and not let it drop while out in public.  This is the first time that has happened in a long time.

My handyman came out this afternoon and confirmed for me the water leak in the furnace room is from the water booster pump and not something else.  I had already called my plumber to let him know but I was concerned there was something else going on due to the way the water was collecting on the floor.  I need to call the plumber back and find out when he is coming to fix or replace it.  Feels good that I had diagnosed the problem correctly.

My handyman is going to come back another day and removed the broken water softener, an old water filtering system, and some pipes that are hanging above the two things.  That will give me more storage space and clean up that room.

I have a pot roast cooking in the crock pot for dinner tonight.  We will eat early as the smell is enticing me to eat.  Yummy!  Kathy said she likes pot roast too.  Dinner will be ready whenever we are ready to eat.  I added some carrots to it earlier so won’t even have to fix anything else to go with it.  Easy!

The sun has been shining today but it is cold.  We had a 37 MPH wind gust today and the wind chill has stayed in the mid 30’s.  I appreciate the bright sunshine but sure wish it would warm up.

Chase County has a burn ban through Sunday as the forecast is calling for high winds the next couple of days.  This is the time of year that it is easy for a fire to get out of control.  We are very dry and the fire danger is high right now.  I worry about someone throwing a cigarette out a car or truck window on the highway and having it start a fire.  It wouldn’t take the fire long to reach my house if that happens.

I have been wearing a pair of leggings all day.  When I go to Vegas in April I am limited to how much luggage I can take as I am flying Spirit Airlines and don’t want to pay $69 each way to check a bag.  I bought some leggings to take with me as they take up way less space in a suitcase than jeans do.  I have never worn any before.  They are going to take some getting used to.  They are comfortable but not sure if I am too old to be seen in public in them.

Since I got out of the house today I don’t need to go to town tomorrow.  I really didn’t need groceries although I could have picked some up if I needed that as an excuse to go to town.  I may call some friends and see if anyone wants to have lunch Thursday or Friday.  That would be a fun thing to do and would get me out of the house for an hour or two.

I have had three nights in a row now that I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep.  I get up for two or three hours and then go back to bed to get a second sleep.  I am still taking the sleep aid so not sure why this is happening.  Maybe the effects of the sleep aid are diminishing.  Dang it anyways.  I was just getting used to sleeping more than three hours a night.  Hoping whatever is causing this will stop and I will go back to sleeping all night and getting six to eight hours of sleep a night.

The chicks are still inside.  The forecast is not looking good for them to get moved outside this week.  I’m tired of the dust and dirt they cause.  They are starting to get a bit crowded in their chicken nursery but guess they are just going to have to deal for a bit longer.  One of these days I will get to reclaim my dining room and get it cleaned.  Another lesson in patience for me.

Grateful the mower got picked up for its annual service today, grateful I was correct about the booster pump and nothing else is broken, and grateful I was able to hold my consciousness level above mid-point in public today.

What a fun day I had.  Jason brought Cody out around 8:30 this morning.  Cody was so good and had lots of fun playing Legos, Lincoln Logs, holding baby chicks, and watching movies.  He was not demanding or moody all day.

He watched me knitting and said “You have to be really really old to knit”.  Ouch!  I asked him if I was really really old and he said no, only really old.  Guess I have a ways to go before I am really really old!  LOL!

Jason came to pick Cody up around 3:30.  Cody wasn’t sure he was ready to go home but went without a fuss when it was time.  We both had a fun day.  I will call that a successful day for this Grandma.

John Deere called and let me know they will be out tomorrow late morning to pick my riding mower up and take it in for its annual service.  Grateful that is going to get done before the grass grows and needs cut for the first time.  I’m grateful I discovered they offer a pickup and return service for a nominal amount.  I have a trailer but no way to pull it.

I have had water on my furnace room for several weeks.  I cannot figure out where it is coming from.  I think from the water booster pump but there is water in places that I don’t think should be coming from the booster pump.  My handyman is coming over tomorrow afternoon to diagnose what is going on.  I am not sure if I need a plumber, a drain person or if the water is coming from the furnace.  I’m sure Phil will sort it all out for me tomorrow.

It will be good to cross those two things off my pending list.  I called John Deere sometime in early February to get on their list for the mower tune up.  The water leak has been there for several weeks and I just thought to call Phil to have him help me figure out what is wrong.

Kathy fixed dinner tonight.  I am sure enjoying her cooking every other day.  Tomorrow I am going to fix a pot roast in the crock pot as it will be my turn to cook tomorrow.  That will be an easy dinner for me to fix.  Grateful she is here so I can fix a meal like that.  It was too much food for just me and I would tire of the leftovers long before they were gone.  With two people eating them it will disappear quickly.

I am tired tonight.  I slept last night but kept waking up off and on all night.  I didn’t feel well rested when I got up this morning.  Thinking it will be an early to bed type of night for me.  Might be the effects of day light savings time.  I sure wished we didn’t mess with Mother Nature’s timing.  It doesn’t work well with my system and takes me a bit to adjust.

Still eating on plan.  My swollen belly is reducing daily since I have been avoiding flour and grain products.  Trusting I will stay on plan for a long time this time.  I need to take off the 20 pounds I have gained these last six months. Need to get back down and stay there!  I feel so much better when I am at the lower end of my range then I do at the higher end where I am now.

Kathy joined a gym in Emporia today.  I really need to go with her and start working out.  Not sure why I resist that so much.  I would feel even better if I could manage to go with her.  Maybe the urge will catch up with me and I will do what I know I need to do.  Having someone to go with would make it easier.

I started knitting a blanket today.  I went down to my yarn stash and found some colors that I think will work for a new to me pattern I found.  I had to cast on 190 stitches on size 8 needles so this project will take me a long time to finish as I want the blanket to be at least 6 – 7 feet long.  Shawls go so much faster but I don’t know what to do with them when I am done.  I usually can find a home for a blanket.

Wednesday or Thursday I need to find a reason to make myself get out of the house.  I went to town Saturday but haven’t left home since.  I can go days without leaving the property and am not sure that is healthy for me in some ways.  I will go pick up a few groceries if nothing else comes up.  Don’t need much but I usually can think of a few things to get.

I need to go to KC next week to deliver something to Nicole.  I’ll probably do a Costco run while I am there.  I may schedule an eye exam for that day too.  It has been over two years since I had my eyes checked last and am past due for an exam.  I go to an eye doctor on the Plaza.  A day in KC sounds like fun and it will get me out of the house one day next week.

A friend requested that I let her and two of her friends come stay for a weekend in June.  She requested I provide breakfast for the three of them.  I quoted her a price and she agreed to it.  Looks like I will have guests for two weekends in June.  The first weekend is the Gravel Bike Race and I have three guests coming to stay for that.  I can use the extra money to put towards my trip to Europe in September.

Still sitting in good head space.  It is easier to maintain that when I stay home.  My challenge is staying in a good head space when I am around people.  I still get drained easily although not as fast as I did earlier this year.

Grateful the mower is going to be picked up tomorrow, grateful Phil is coming to diagnose my water leak, and grateful to have spent the day with Cody.

This has been a weird day for me.  I have trouble remembering it is Sunday.  Not sure what day I think it is but I am surprised every time I look at the date and realize it is Sunday.  At 11:30 this morning I was thinking it was time to fix dinner.  Crazy, mixed up type of day for me.

Maybe it is the effect of the daylight savings time change?  I don’t think I am senile or have dementia.  Just a mixed up type of day.  I’ve done this before and usually the next day is back to my normal level of craziness.

I haven’t done much today.  I did go down and dig out some yarn.  I am feeling the urge to knit again.  I have lots of yarn but not in the color combinations I am looking for.  I may try a blanket with what I have but I don’t love the color combination so not sure I can make myself do it.  We shall see what happens.

I went on line and looked at some new to me knitting patterns.  I like to make stripe blankets and to try new combinations of stripes.  It helps to have a pattern that lays it out for me.

The sun is shining on the prairie today.  Hallelujah!  Unfortunately with the sun came the wind.  It is 42 out but only feels like 32 due to the wind chill effect.  Dang it anyways.  At least the sun is shining.  It is to shine tomorrow too and then go back to cloud cover for the next seven to ten days.  Chance of snow by Friday.  Hopefully when it gets closer they will change the forecast and remove the snow.  Not looking good for me to move the chicks outside this week.

One of the chicks got on top of their pen.  Not sure how they found the hole between the shelves I put over the top of the pen.  I couldn’t catch her but I moved the shelves and she went back down into the pen.  By the end of the next week their pen will be too crowded for them as much as they are growing.  Hard to keep their feeders full.

Tomorrow I am babysitting my six year old grandson.  He will keep me busy and entertained all day.  I need to check my refrigerator and make sure I have some kid friendly food in the house.  One trick I learned a long time ago with grandkids is to keep them fed and not let them get hungry.

I don’t have anything else on my calendar for the week after Monday.  I need to find something to do.  I have been sitting way too much and need to get my body moving but don’t know what to do to make that happen.  Still sitting in the in-between stage of my life.  I’m sure the right thing will show up at the right time for me.

I want to get some buttons made up for a family thing that is being held in August.  I would like them to say Patton/Johnson 4th generation, Patton/Johnson 5th generation,  Patton/Johnson 6th generation, and yet others would say Patton/Johnson 7th generation.  Anyone know of someone that makes them?  I can find them on-line but you have to order a minimum of 50 each and I don’t need that many.

Still in a good head space, even if I am a bit mixed up today with time and date.  Feeling more optimistic about my future than I have for a long time.  I have been able to hold myself above the mid-line of consciousness lately most of the time.  I still drop below mid-line when I am out and around too many people but even that is lessening.  It is amazing what a bit of time can do for a healing journey.

Grateful for the sun shining on the prairie today, grateful I can hold myself about mid-line, and grateful for many generations of deep roots in Chase County.

 

It has been a quiet day on the prairie.  Another day where I didn’t do anything.  I did mange to get two loads of laundry washed, dried and put away.  Kathy fixed dinner so I didn’t have to do that.  I must say it is a treat to have someone cook every other day.  I think I can get used to that quickly.  It will be my turn to cook tomorrow night so will have to think of something to fix.

It has been another cloudy, cold day on the prairie.  We only reached the low to mid 40’s today.  I am looking forward to the sun coming back from vacation.  It has been gone a long time.  I’m starting to feel the effects of no sunshine.  I couldn’t live in places that go months without the sun shining.

No plans for tomorrow.  I thought about going in to Cottonwood Falls today to go to the craft fair but I am still struggling being around people.  I can handle a few at a time but a busy, loud building with lots of people felt overwhelming to me and I didn’t go in.  I have finally gotten my central nervous system calmed down and I don’t want to set it off unless something really important comes up and I need to be around lots of people.  The craft fair didn’t meet that standard.

The chicks are all still alive and growing.  The littlest ones now have noticeable wings.  Some of them are still on the small side though but a few of them are about as big as the 10 older chicks.  I have to fill up their feed container three times a day.  I dump wood shavings out of their water containers almost hourly.

I’m sorry that daylight savings time starts tonight.  I don’t like the change in time.  I’m grateful most of the clocks in the house will reset themselves.  I only have a couple that I manually have to change.  Maybe I can sleep in a bit later tomorrow morning since it will be dark later.  I woke up at 6:15 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep.  Makes a long day when I get up that early.

We didn’t get much moisture today.  We had a very light rain fall a couple times but I don’t think we got a measurable amount.  We need rain badly.  Wish all these clouds would bring some to the prairie.  No use having clouds if they don’t produce rain.

I have gotten back on my eating plan.  Kathy eats the same plan so that makes it easier for me to stick to plan.  I am on day 3 of clean eating.  I can feel my body detoxing from the foods I had been eating that are not on my plan.  It will take me another week or so to get the icky stuff out of my body and then I will feel good again.  I really do feel better when I stay on plan.  Never quite sure why I get off track but it seems to happen before I realize it.  Here is to trusting that I can stay on track this time.

I feel more settled and grounded right now than I have for the last year.  It is good to discover who I am again and like what I am finding.  I can’t believe I allowed myself to get so pulled off my center.  Grateful I am finding my way back home to myself.  I still can get pulled off track quicker than I would like but am starting to notice and appreciate the progress I have been making.

Grateful for the healing that is happening within, grateful to be able to eat someone else’s cooking, and grateful to be back on my eating plan.

I went to Emporia this morning and got chicken feed and dog food.  I then went and picked up a few groceries for myself.  I spent more on the chicken and dog feed than I did on my groceries.  The dog food is now in a 42 pound bag instead of the 44 it used to come in.  The price went up $4 a bag and I got 2 less pounds.  Not sure that math works in my favor at all!

Haven’t done much else today except fix dinner.  I fixed green chicken for Kathy and myself.  It is easy and we both enjoyed it.  I usually forget to think ahead three hours to put it in the crock pot but I remembered today.  I was hungry this afternoon though as I smelled it cooking all afternoon.  I heated up some veggies to go with it and dinner was served.  It is nice to have someone to eat dinner with again.  Food seems to taste better when you share the dining experience.

One of the chicks was sitting on top of the chicken pen this afternoon.  I found some shelving things that I laid across the top of the pen to attempt to keep them in.  We may have jail break soon though.  I will move them to the big coop outside mid week next week.  Hope I can keep them contained until then.  It is to be 70 next Wednesday which will be a good day to get the coop cleaned out and get it ready for them.  They will still need the heat lamp for six more weeks so will need to figure out a way to do that.  I will need a barrier of some sort in the coop to limit how far they can roam for the first two weeks they are in the big coop.  I’ll have to put on my thinking cap and figure out something to use to  put up.   After that they can use the full coop with a heat lamp to warm up under when they choose to.

It will be a quiet weekend on the prairie for me.  Nothing on my calendar and no plans to go anywhere.  I don’t have anything on my to-do list either.  After the last two busy weekends it will be a treat to have a quiet one.  Two of the grandkids went to FL for spring break so they aren’t around for me to have fun with or bake cookies for.  One of the other grandkids is coming out Monday to play with me.  I’m looking forward to that.

I finally got some good sleep last night.  I hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep for several nights.  It was good to wake up this morning feeling rested.  My body seems to need extra rest right now.  I’m grateful I don’t have a lot of things pending and can honor what my body needs.  It feels so good to be in a good head space again.  I can feel that my central nervous system is finally calming down and allowing me to relax.  Ahhhhh……. I have missed this feeling.

Anyone else besides me missing the sunshine?  We seem to be having lots of cloudy days without the benefit of getting rain from the clouds.  Maybe KS moved to Oregon and forgot to tell us.  I don’t think I could live somewhere where it is cloudy most of the time.  I miss the sun!

I trust it will warm up soon and allow me to start painting my deck.  It needs to stay above freezing overnight for at least three days in a row before I can start painting.  It also needs to be over 50 for several hours during the day without a chance of rain for me to be able to paint.  Looking at the forecast it may be April before both conditions are met and I can go at it.  I want to get it all painted before the heat of the summer hits.  I hope we have a long spring this year and the heat waits until late May to show up.

It will soon be burning season in the Flint Hills.  We need some rain to make the burning less dangerous.  The ranchers will have to delay burning if we don’t get some spring rains soon.  That delays pasture season and ranchers  lose money.

Grateful I got good sleep last night, grateful the chicken feed supply has been replenished, and grateful for company at dinner time again.

It has been a lazy, recovery day for me on the prairie.  I didn’t do a darn thing today.  Kathy fixed dinner for both of us so I didn’t even do that.  It was just what this gal needed – a day of rest.  It was so nice to have someone else prepared a meal.  I can’t remember the last time that has happened for me.

The chicks are all doing well.  Some of the older ones like to hang out on top of the feeder and watering containers.  It won’t be long before they discover the top of the pen.  One more week and I will move them outside.  Hoping they don’t fly the coop before then and declare a jail break.

About 1:30 this morning I heard a howl I didn’t recognize and heard the chickens were all stirred up.  I went out to the living room to see what was going on.  Kathy’s cat had come upstairs and was down the hallway “talking” to my cats that were in the laundry room.  They were exchanging “words”.  I’m not sure it was love at first sound!  I made my cats go outside and things settled down.  I stayed up for a bit to make sure the chicks settled back down.  It was a bit of ruckus for the middle of the night.  I finally got back to sleep around 5:00 and managed to get another two hours of sleep before I was up for the day.

Kathy said she will keep her cat locked in her bedroom tonight so we don’t have Act II tonight.  We are going to have to figure out how to introduce the cats to each other during the daytime.  Kathy’s cat needs some time to adjust to living here first though.  My cats are limited to the laundry room when they come in the house and Kathy’s cat doesn’t go outside so maybe we don’t have to introduce them.

I need to go to Emporia tomorrow and get some chicken feed, dog food and groceries.  I realized today I haven’t been out of the house since last Saturday.  Probably time I get out.  I may go to the McDonald’s on the Turnpike while I am in town for one last visit.  We opened that store in September, 1988 and it is closing next week.  It will become a Subway and Taco John.  Lots of memories in that store for me.

I don’t have any plans for the weekend.  Monday I am babysitting for my grandson Cody.  He will keep me busy that day I’m sure.  The chicks will get lots of loving that day.

Still feeling grounded and in a good head space.  I realized today what I am feeling is safety.  This last year I realized I didn’t always feel safe and it has taken me several months to get my nervous system calmed down enough to feel safe again.  It is a nice feeling.

Grateful for a day of recovery and rest, grateful for the dinner Kathy fixed tonight, and grateful for a feeling of safety.

Joy and the twins headed for home today.  We had breakfast together and then Kathy drove them to the airport.  Piper really wanted to stay here – she has fallen in love with KS and the wide open quiet spaces.  The twins enjoyed a last breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes.  For one of them I added bananas and the other topped theirs with peanut butter.  Bacon and scrambled eggs rounded out their last breakfast.

After Kathy left for the airport I cleaned house and started laundry.  I managed to get the living room, dining room, kitchen, hallway, entry way and office floors cleaned.  I did five loads of laundry and did two more loads in the dishwasher.  If feels good to have a clean house this evening.  The guests rooms are made up and the house is back in order.

I took a short nap this afternoon in my chair.  I knew if I laid down on my bed I would sleep long and hard and didn’t want to do that.  I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights and am tired.  I trust tonight I will sleep long and hard as I don’t have to be up in the morning to fix breakfast.  Tomorrow will be a rest and recovery day for me.  I have nothing on my calendar or to-do list.

One day this week I will need to go make a feed run.  The chicks have almost gone through the 50 pound bag I got when I got the first 10 chicks.  I will need to get a couple more bags of feed and a few groceries later this week.  It can wait a couple more days though.

I have spent most of the last four months home alone.  Having company for two weekends in a row has been out of the ordinary for me.  I have loved every minute of the company but am grateful my calendar is free of company for the next couple of weeks.  It will give Kathy and I time to adjust to each other again.  She is easy to live with but it will be a change and sometimes change is jarring.

Jim has been gone for over four months now.  I must say I am finally adjusting to live alone again and finding it easier than it was when I lived with Jim.  There are things I miss about having a partner but there are things I am relishing not having a partner too.

I finally got the bill for the door lock that I had installed on my back door.  I had ordered it in November, it was installed in January and the bill arrived in March.  Glad to have that project finally completely crossed off my pending list.  I ordered a check for the bill to be paid today and crossed it off my list.

The chicks are all alive today.  Kathy was wondering if they missed all the loving the kids gave them while they were here.  I wondered if they have enjoyed being left alone today.  They have been quiet most of the day but have been eating lots.  I have to fill their feeders several times a day and clean the wood shavings out off their watering containers several times a day too.  One more week and they will get moved out to the chicken coop.

It has been cloudy and in the low to mid 40’s all day.  It has been a good day to stay inside and clean.  We have a good chance for some rain overnight and tomorrow morning.  Maybe it will be a good day to sleep in.

Things feel more settled inside me than they have for a long time.  I can’t say it feels like things are back to normal as I don’t know what normal is these days.  But I feel grounded in a way that I haven’t for a while.  Not sure if is because Kathy is here and I am not so alone or what is happening but I like whatever it is.  Life doesn’t feel so heavy and hard tonight.  That is a good place to be in.

Grateful Joy and the twins came for a visit, grateful my house is clean tonight, and grateful the heaviness inside has lifted.

 

What a fun evening.  My brothers Chad and Keith and his family  and two of my kids and families came for dinner tonight so they could welcome Kathy back to KS and see Joy and the twins.  We sat around and visited after dinner.  Too bad it is a school night and everyone had to get home to get kiddos to bed.

I fixed a meat loaf, green bean casserole, baked potatoes and baked sweet potatoes, roasted veggies and a salad.  I fixed two different desserts.  Dinner went off well and all were well fed.

I got rid of some of the leftovers from my week of cooking.  Jason and Michelle each took home some stuff that Kathy and I won’t eat.  Good to get the refrigerator cleaned out a bit.

Today Kathy and her family went to Emporia twice.  This morning they went to the zoo and then took a trip down memory lane and drove past our childhood home.  This afternoon they all went in and went bowling.

I think Joy and the twins are ready to go home tomorrow.  They have a noon flight so Kathy will drive them to KC in the morning.  The twins seem to have enjoyed their adventure.  They are excited about flying tomorrow as it will be their first flight.  I’m so grateful they came and spent some time at my house.

Tomorrow I will fix one more meal for them before they leave.  The kiddos want banana and chocolate chip pancakes with scrambled eggs.  They have to leave for the airport before 9:00 so we will be up early to eat and say our goodbyes.

After they leave I will spend some time doing some housecleaning.  I don’t have any other company coming for a bit so I will take my time and get to it when I can.  After Kathy gets home tomorrow she will start unpacking and getting settled in.  She hasn’t gotten to spend anytime doing that yet.  We will learn a new routine for both of us over the next few weeks and adjust to living together again.

It was so fun to have 15 people for dinner tonight.  I love when family comes for a meal.  The conversation was lively and entertaining for all.  The chicks have enjoyed all the extra loving they have received.  They are quiet tonight and seem to be settling in for the night a bit earlier than they have been.  I think I will be getting to bed soon too.  I am so used to being by myself that I am more tired than normal too.

The house will feel big and empty when they leave in the morning.  It may become a rest and recovery day for me and the housecleaning will wait for another day or two.

I won’t see Tagen and Ellexia for another week or so as they leave on vacation Friday.  They are heading to Florida and Kentucky for spring break.  I’m glad I get to stay home and enjoy the quiet on the prairie.

Grateful for family, grateful for the visit from Joy and the twins, and grateful all the chicks are still alive this evening.

What a fun day we have had.  We were up early this morning.  I fixed banana and chocolate chip pancakes, chocolate chip and peanut butter pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast.

The kids played outside most of the morning.  They helped me transfer all the chicks into one pen.  That went well.  All 28 of the chicks are playing nice with each other.  The dogs and cats are loving all the extra attention they have been getting.

I fixed macaroni and cheese with hot dogs for lunch.  Kathy and the others went to Cottonwood Falls in the afternoon and to the Prairie Preserve.  I took a short nap.

This evening I fixed hamburgers on the grill, potato salad, broccoli with cheese, deviled eggs and nachos for dinner.  I think I did six loads of dishes in the dishwasher today.  Not used to cooking for five for each meal.  It has been fun!

Tomorrow the kiddos requested French Toast for breakfast.  One likes it soggy and the other not so much.  I’ll see how it turns out!  Not sure what we are having for lunch.  Tomorrow night my two brothers, and Michelle and Jason’s families are all coming to join us for dinner.  I am fixing meat loaf and the fixings.  That will be fun too!

I’m tired tonight.  I didn’t sleep well last night so think I will take an early bath and go to bed before 8:00 tonight.  I need a good night’s sleep tonight.  The kiddos are tired tonight too so am betting everyone will be in bed sooner rather that later tonight.

Joy and the twins fly back to CT on Wednesday.  The house will sure feel quieter and empty when they leave.  It has been a delight to have them here.

I took the Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter to the Cottonwood Falls Post Office this morning.  It took 45 minutes for the lady to process it.  I can’t say I was impressed with her.  She had made a mistake and couldn’t get the numbers to balance.  She then tried to blame it on me.  I don’t appreciate when people do that.  The good news is the Newsletter is on its way and that project is done.

I think the kiddos are going bowling tomorrow in Emporia.  It is to be cold and rainy tomorrow so they were thinking of things they could do indoors.  I will stay here and get things ready for dinner.  I think I am having 14 for dinner tomorrow night.  I forgot to serve the hot bread with the spaghetti last night.  Hope I remember to serve everything tomorrow night.

If I remember I have the things to make a batch of Chex Mix for the kiddos tomorrow.  My grandkids are coming out tomorrow night so I can send some home with them.  I’ll see if I remember to make it.

I felt a bit weird at times today.  My blood pressure dropped once or twice and I got light-headed.  It went away quickly.  I switched thyroid medications about a week or so ago and am thinking that was the cause.  I’ll have to get my levels checked at four weeks instead of six if this continues.  I had taken some Excedrin this morning and that might have caused it too.  We will see what happens tomorrow.

Mother Nature treated us to a beautiful sunset tonight.  The colors kept changing rapidly.  It was bright red at times.  I think the after glow of the sunset provided the most beautiful colors.  Unfortunately the clouds are rolling in and I’m not sure we will see many stars again tonight.

This morning we all got to watch the moon set.  Neither Joy nor the twins had ever seen one before so that was a special treat.  Piper is ready to move in with her grandma and stay here.  She is loving the prairie.

Tomorrow will be another fun day of cooking and it will be fun to see what we end up doing.  What an adventure the kiddos are having.  I trust they will always remember it and will look forward to coming back again sometime soon.

Grateful for the presence of Joy and her twins, grateful Kathy is back home, and grateful for the beauty of the prairie and the awe it provides.

I am patiently waiting for Kathy, her daughter Joy, and Joy’s twins to arrive.  They should be here between 6:00 and 7:00 this evening.  It sounds like they have had some fun adventures on their drive to KS from CT.  It will be glad to see them when they arrive safe and sound.

I got everything on my to-do list completed.  I went to Emporia and picked up a prescription and a few more groceries.  Did a couple loads of laundry and got some cleaning done.  I may take a short nap this afternoon.  I seem to be sleepy today for some reason.

Tomorrow I am taking the Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter to the post office in Cottonwood Falls.  Someone was going to drive all the way from Matfield Green today to pick them up and then drive again tomorrow to drop them off at the post office.  That didn’t make sense as I am only 10 minutes from the Cottonwood Falls Post Office.  I need to go to Cottonwood Falls tomorrow anyways to drop off the recycling.  I think it will all fit in my car.

The chicks are still all alive and growing fast.  Tomorrow I will combine them into one pen as the newest babies will be one week old tomorrow.  Trusting that will go well.

It has reached 70 degrees today and may go up another few degrees before the afternoon is over.  Too bad the wind is blowing hard.  It will be in the mid 50’s for Monday and Tuesday and then the 40’s for the rest of the week.  This is the time of year where you could change clothes three times a day to dress for the every changing KS weather.  We have a chance for some rain/snow mix on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I will be grateful for some moisture for the prairie.  It is very dry and fire conditions are high right now with the high wind.

It will be a change for me to have Kathy living here again.  It will be a change for her too as both of us are used to living alone.  Good thing we have done this before and know what to expect from each other.  It will be nice to have company and not go so many days without talking to someone besides myself.

Other than having Joy and her twins here this week I don’t have anything on my calendar this week.  Some family members are coming out for dinner Tuesday night so they can see Joy and the twins and welcome Kathy back to KS.  That will be fun!

There was an article in the newspaper today about a cruise ship that is going to offer a three-year trip around the world.  Man that sounds fun!  I looked at the details and thought about it.  I would almost be tempted to look further at it.  With my thyroid problems I’m not sure it would be wise for me to consider it but dang would I love to do that.  I do have an adventurous streak in me!

Feel like I have turned a corner in my healing somehow.  I am starting to recover a bit quicker when I get drained.  I am not getting as frustrated with the little annoying things that happen during the day.  And most importantly am finding myself above the neutral point on the consciousness chart most times.  It is good to be back again!  I know I have more healing to do but am pleased with my progress.

Grateful Kathy, Joy and the twins will be here soon, grateful for a completed to-do list, and grateful to have come back home to myself.

The Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter was done a little after 3:00 this afternoon.  I had three helpers.  My cousin came from Wamego this morning and then two friends joined us this afternoon.  It was fun to visit all morning with my cousin and then visit with her and my two friends this afternoon.  I so appreciate their help.  The day went by quickly and the work got done.

I took my cousin to the Grand for lunch today.  It was nice to get out of the house for a short bit and enjoy the beautiful weather we had today.  One friend was here when we came back from lunch.  She let herself in and had started to work on the Newsletter.  The other friend came shortly after lunch.

I had gotten one box done last night and got up this morning and got started a little after 6:30 and did a second box.  I was ever so grateful for some extra hands to get the last two boxes done.  It can feel a bit overwhelming in the middle of it but that feeling disappeared quickly when help showed up.

I haven’t gotten any housecleaning done yet but that is on my agenda yet for this evening or tomorrow.  I think Kathy and company will be here mid afternoon tomorrow but am not sure.  I still have plenty of time to get the house cleaned up a bit before they get here.

I am going to fix spaghetti and meat balls in the crock pot for dinner tomorrow night.  That way it will be ready whenever we decide to eat.  I got a spaghetti squash to bake as well as traditional spaghetti noodles.  I have some salad stuff and bread so it will be a quick dinner to fix and serve.

The chicks are all doing well today.  They are going through the sack of feed I got.  I’ll have to go to town the end of next week and get another big bag of feed.  It keeps me busy throughout the day keeping the two feed containers full and the water containers full.

I’m tired this evening.  I didn’t sleep really well last night and I was up by 6:30.  I was thinking about the Newsletter and wanting to get it done so I could have time to get my house clean.  Grateful everything worked out so I can do that.  I need to run to Emporia and pick up a few things I forgot at the grocery store and to pick up a prescription that is ready.  Think I will do that tomorrow sometime.  Not feeling like leaving the house this evening.

Today kinda reminds me of the barn raising days of the past.  When friends show up in your time of need and lend a hand, the work gets done quickly and you have fun doing it.  It would have been a long day without their help today.

Grateful for the help of my cousin and friends, grateful the newsletter is done, and grateful I have time to clean the house before my company arrives tomorrow.

This has been a weird day.  I went to bed at 6:30 last night.  Woke up at 3:00 and was up until 5:30.  Went back to bed for an hour and then got up.  Was up until 11:00 and then took a nap.  Finally felt rested.

I changed the bedding for both sets of chicks today.  Both sets had managed to spill their water and their pine shavings were wet.  The big pen only needed the wet removed and replaced but the little tub needed totally cleaned.  Nice to have clean pens tonight.

I struggle to keep the watering containers free from pine shavings.  I dump wet shavings out about every hour to make sure the chicks have fresh water at all times.  I’ll be glad when they grow up a bit and can use the bigger watering containers and I won’t have to worry about them all the time.

I’ll be glad when I can put the littlest ones in the bigger pen.  And then I will be even gladder when I can move them all out to the chicken coop outdoors.  The weather forecast for next week isn’t looking good though so thinking it will be more than a week before that can happen.  Maybe the winter system that is to come through will change its mind and go somewhere else.  Come on Spring and warmer temperatures.

I went to Emporia this afternoon and bought groceries for the week ahead.  I had a full cart today.  I’m not used to cooking for five people for several days.  I already know a few things I didn’t get so will have to make a return trip to town sometime soon.

The Pioneer Bluffs Newsletter got printed today so I picked that up and will start stuffing it this evening.  If anyone doesn’t have plans for tonight or tomorrow you are welcome to come over and help out.  Hoping to get it done by tomorrow afternoon.  Many hands help get the job done quickly.

The first box of envelopes that has to be kept in zip code order was all mixed up.  I got those sorted so it will be easy to stuff them.  Hoping the other three boxes are not messed up.  It would be easy to mess them up when they get printed.  Makes my job a bit tougher when they do that though.

I haven’t gotten my house cleaned for my company yet.  I want to get the Newsletter finished first and then if I have time I will clean.  Hoping to get a bit of cleaning done but we shall see what happens.  I’m very good at procrastinating on doing cleaning.  I will try to get to the things that are bothering me but we will see how this all unfolds.

The rumination that I had earlier this week has stopped, thank heavens.  Feeling more like myself again.  My sleep has been a bit unpredictable this week but am sure it will calm back down soon.  I am grateful I followed my therapist advice and got rid of trigger items in the house.  I do better when I don’t talk about what happened or see things that remind me of what happened.

It sure warmed up more today then I thought it would.  We missed the snow that was to have come overnight.  Got a bit of rain overnight but it has been clear and sunny today.  Reached the low 60’s on the prairie today.  It is supposed to reach the low 70’s on Sunday before winter comes back for a last blast during the week.

Grateful the groceries are mostly in the house for next week, grateful the chicks are thriving and growing, and grateful for what rain the prairie got overnight.

It has been a productive day on the prairie for me and the day isn’t even over.  I have three of the four beds and bedrooms ready for my guests that are arriving Sunday or Monday.  I will get the other one done yet today or tomorrow.

I moved the older 10 chicks into a bigger house today.  They are a week old today and the guy I got them from said to keep them in a smaller container for the first week.  I had never heard that advice before but decided to follow it.  The chicks seem very happy in their larger house this afternoon.  They have quieted down and are peeping occasionally and softly when they do.  When they get loud I know something is amiss.  They have more room to spread out and get away from the heat of the heat lamp if they need to.

I had to set the table for the chicks bigger house up in the dining room.  I used to put them in the laundry room but the cats come in there and I’m afraid the cats would go after the chicks.  I have a leaking water booster pump in the basement room and I didn’t want to track water out of the furnace room with all the trips in and out to check on the chicks.  I called the plumber yesterday and he is ordering me a new water booster pump.

When the newest chicks are a week old next Monday I will add them to the pen the other 10 are in.  I hope to get them all moved from the house to the big chicken coop nursery before the oldest ones are three weeks old.  They start to break out of jail at that age and it gets hard to keep them contained inside.

I got my KS state income tax refund today via direct deposit.  I noticed it wasn’t as large as I expected it to be.  I dug out the tax return and discovered they had only credited me for three of the four estimated payments I had made.  I dug out my bank records to make sure all four had cleared my account.  They had.

I called the state and after holding for a person for 25 minutes I got a very efficient lady.  She discovered that the September payment had been coded as a joint return and it had a hold on it to credit it to a joint return.  This is the payment that I had to call in due to the bank fraud mess.  The lady was able to recode it and I should have the additional return amount by next week.  That was easy – if it goes through as she said it would.

Hoping this is the last wrinkle the bank fraud caused.  I’m ready to put that whole situation to bed.  I’m grateful I was able to problem solve and get it fixed fairly easily.

I invited my two KS brothers, their families and my kids to come for dinner next Tuesday night so they can get a chance to see Kathy’s daughter Joy and her twins.  Not sure who all will be able to come on a school night but that was about the only day we could do it.  I’m not sure when Joy and the twins are flying home.  It will be fun to have a mini family reunion.  I need to decide what to fix.  It will be something simple as that is all I fix these days.

Gotta love KS weather.  Yesterday it was in the mid 60’s and today it is in the mid 40’s.  We have a chance for a wintery mix tomorrow and a chance for snow in another week.  Is it winter or spring on the prairie?  Depends on the day and hour!  The forecast will help determine when I can move the chicks to the big house so hoping for more spring like days than winter.

The rumination I had been doing has stopped.  Going for chicks yesterday seemed to break my habitual pattern enough to disrupt the thoughts I had been having.  Grateful for that!  I finally feel more like myself today and am grateful I have gotten some things done today.  I’m not so tired and cranky today and feel my mood elevator climbing up and over the mid-point of awareness today.

I am amazed at how dusty the house is already.  I had dusted the furniture and cleaned the floors last Saturday for my weekend guests and I am going to have to do it again before Kathy and her family gets here.  I guess having 30 MPH plus wind gusts is enough to drive the dust inside.  I’m sure the cedar shavings I am using for the chicks is adding to the dust in the house too.

Grateful one set of chicks is in a bigger house, grateful the state tax situation was fairly easy to fix, and grateful I am back above neutral on the consciousness ladder.

I went on a hunting adventure today.  Last night I called Tractor Supply in Topeka and was told they had lots of baby chicks.  I got up early this morning and was in Topeka before 8:30.  The store opens at 8:00.  They had one chick left.  They told me they might be getting more this afternoon.

I got on my phone and checked the North Topeka store.  I called them and they didn’t have any.  I checked with the Holton Tractor Supply store and was told they were just then checking in a bunch.  I headed north to Holton.

I was able to get 20 chicks.  10 are Easter Eggers, which are the ones that lay blue or green eggs, and I got 10 Leghorns.  It was a noisy ride home with 20 chicks peeping away.

I got them settled in a tub when I got home.  One of the Easter Eggers wasn’t very active like the others.  I helped it get some water and watched it eat a bit.  About two hours later I checked on the chicks and it was dead.  It doesn’t surprise me to lose one but it is sad when it happens.

I went to Strong City and got a second heat lamp and thermometers to put in each box.  Temperature control is especially important during the first week or so.  Too hot and they get dehydrated and die and too cold they get sick and die.

I checked the forecast and we may get snow mid week next week so will wait until that weather system passes before I put them down in the coop.  I may have to set up a bigger nursery in the house before then.  They grow very quickly the first couple weeks of their life.  My two groups are only five days apart in age so will be able to mix them within a week or two.  The older ones are already about twice as big as the new ones.

The chicks I got today were $5.49 each.  The ones I got last week were $5 each.  Wowsers!  Last time I bought chicks two years ago they were $3 each.  Thinking the price I will charge for eggs will need to rise this year.  Looking forward to July as that is when they should start laying.

While I was in Strong City I went to City Hall and got signed up for auto pay for my water bill.  I am having trouble with mail delivery and didn’t want to miss another water bill and have to pay a late fee.  I prefer auto pay anyways.  Saves me time and money in stamps.  Grateful they do auto pay now.  Last time I checked they only did it with the local bank and I don’t have an account with them.

Feeling more grounded and rested today.  Decided against taking a nap although I think if I had laid down I could have fallen asleep.  Still feeling the effects of the weekend but in a good way today.  Everyone of the women that came had had a major life event happen.  The phase “Be kind, you never know what someone is going through” seems appropriate for all of us.

Kathy will start her trip to KS tomorrow.  Her car is loaded with all the things she is bringing plus the four passengers.  There is a weather system that is hitting part of her planned route so trusting she will find ways to navigate around it.

I haven’t gotten anything done today except for my chicken adventure.  Still don’t have all my energy back from the weekend but by tomorrow I should be back to my new normal.  It has been a quiet afternoon on the prairie and I feel myself calming and quieting down internally.

I follow a page on Facebook called Wild Goose Counseling.  The author of the page teaches how to make boundaries.  The post today talked about the need to identify your own personal needs and then seek out resources to help get those needs met.  I am getting better at that but it took me years to realize I needed to be able to ask for help in getting my needs met and not expect that someone could see what I need without me communicating them.  I had a hard time thinking I deserved to have my needs met.  I’m glad I am finding ways to get my needs met these days and am able to ask for what I need from others.  What a hard lesson that was for me to learn.

Grateful for new chicks on the prairie today, grateful for cell phones that made my chicken adventure successful, and grateful for Wild Goose Counseling and the lessons she is helping me learn.

This has been a recovery day for me.  I slept long and hard last night after taking a full sleep aide.  I usually only take half of one.  I slept the clock around and woke up, had breakfast, and then went back to bed for a nap.

I have done nothing at all today.  The sheets are sitting in a basket waiting to be put on the beds.  They will sit patiently, waiting for me to get to them.  I have until the weekend so no rush.  The beds will get made up when they get made up.

I have been ruminating more today than I have been for a long time.  I’m sure this weekend stirred up some emotions and I am processing the remnants of them.  I now see the value of the recommendation of my therapist who encouraged me to delete all Facebook connections and not to have contact with people who came into the relationship.  Talking about all of it stirred me up and I am finding it hard to let go again.

I will get there.  Giving myself today to regain my balance and physical strength.  I was so very exhausted after the company left and emotionally drained as well.  It was so good to see everyone and catch up but I feel I paid a price for that pleasure.  I would do it again though.  Grateful I know what I need to do to self-care and recover.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie today.  The wind has not been so strong and the sky has been bright blue with no clouds and lots of sunshine.  Just what I needed to lift my spirits.

The chicks are growing hourly.  Their wings are now very visible and they are already starting to change colors.  I found my big chicken nursery thingy and will need to get it set up to move the chicks into within the week.  They are quickly outgrowing the container I have them in now.

I didn’t call Topeka or Wichita to look for chicks today.  I hope to do that tomorrow and if I find some will go get them.  It is going to be cloudy tomorrow but no rain is in the forecast.

I am trying a new breakfast.  I have found myself having cravings lately and have been going off plan way too much.  I have managed to avoid sugar but have been eating way too many things that have flour in them.  For a long time I have been eating Rice Chex with my yogurt and blueberries each morning.  Before I started eating Rice Chex I didn’t have intense food cravings. I know grains do not agree with me and finally figured out that the Rice Chex may be what is causing me to not loose weight when I follow the plan 100%.  I would get discouraged with that and then go off plan.  Today I tried 1 oz of walnuts instead.

As I typed that I remembered I shouldn’t eat walnuts as they can interfere with my thyroid medication.  I will switch to pecans instead.  Grateful I figured that out quickly and before my new thyroid medication didn’t work right.

When I lost all the weight the first time, I didn’t eat any grains at all.  You are allowed one serving of grains for breakfast.  Intuitively I knew that wouldn’t work for me back then.  I love the crunch of Rice Chex on my yogurt but I did OK with nuts today.  I have gotten used to the taste of yogurt and don’t need the Rice Chex to hide the flavor any more. Last time on the plan I ate eggs and bacon every morning.  Can’t switch to that this time as I need to eat yogurt daily to keep the C-Diff away.  I’ll see what happens when I switch to pecans and see if that helps me drop some weight and more importantly stop the intense food cravings.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the phase “good enough”.  When is “good enough” enough?  One can get addicted to the quest to heal oneself.  When does one know when what you have done is good enough?  I don’t have any answers yet but am consciously aware of that question running in the back of my head.  One can miss the pleasures life has to offer if you get fixated on being better.

I read a definition of happiness that said happiness is when you can accept that this moment has everything you want/need without conditions being applied.  If one is always off chasing the next healing adventure or waiting until all the pieces perfectly align, one can miss the happiness that has dropped in your lap.  When is good enough enough?

Grateful for a rest and recovery day, grateful for the beauty of the prairie today, and grateful to be able to sit with the question When is good enough enough and not have to have an answer.

It has been a rest and recovery afternoon on the prairie today.  I had two guests overnight Saturday night, six guests during the afternoon Sunday and four overnight guests Sunday night.  The last one left a little before noon today.

I took a long nap this afternoon.  I’m not used to being around others 24/7 and I was exhausted.  Still a bit tired this afternoon but I will go to bed early this evening and by tomorrow I should be back to normal.

I have done several loads of laundry today.  I have the sheets all washed and need to get them put back on the beds.  My sister is coming with her daughter and two of her children this weekend so will use the beds again then.  Good thing I have all week to rest and recover so I can be good to go when they get here.

We had a fabulous reunion Sunday.  It was so good to see the six women that came and to get to give and receive so many hugs.  We all felt like our souls received much needed nourishment and attention.  We had a sharing circle and each woman updated us on their lives.  We hadn’t been together as a group for over 10 years so we had a lot to catch up on.  Many tears were shared, much laughter was shared, and the room was full of love and light.  I truly feel the world would be a whole different place if each person had a sacred circle of trusted friends they could share their souls with.

I fixed dinner Saturday night, breakfast, lunch and dinner for Sunday and then breakfast on Monday.  Reminded me of my retreat days.  I kept the meals simple and it was easy.  I don’t think I forgot to serve anything but I haven’t fully checked my refrigerator yet.  I’m known to make something and forgetting to serve it.

The baby chickens are growing fast.  They will need to be moved to a larger pen this week.  I will get one set up for them tomorrow.  Don’t have the energy to do it today.  I didn’t call around to see if I could find more chicks today so will try to do that tomorrow.  If I can’t find any, the guy I bought these from is coming back to Emporia March 10 so I will get 20 more then.  The chicks will only be two weeks apart and will be fairly easy to mix flocks in a couple of weeks.

We got some high wind and rain last night.  I slept through most of it.  Two of the women stayed over an extra night as they didn’t want to drive home through the storm.  South of here got the more severe stuff.  I was grateful we missed that.

I may have a newsletter for Pioneer Bluffs to stuff later this week if it gets printed in time.  Kathy will be here Sunday or Monday so I can’t do it the following week.  We will see how this unfolds and if I do it.

I don’t have anything on my schedule this week except for getting the house ready for Kathy and her gang.  Thankfully I had to clean the house for the reunion this weekend so won’t have to do too much more cleaning.

The house is feeling big and empty this evening.  It was nice to have all the bedrooms used last night and a full house.  I appreciate the silence this afternoon and am allowing it to be without turning on the TV or music.

I got rid of a tub full of shawls and blankets I had knitted a long time ago.  It is nice to empty one more tote.  I also gave away several sets of tea towels and a bunch of dish rags.  They don’t do anyone any good sitting in a tote in my storage room.  Good to have them gone.

Sitting with a full heart and tired body this evening.  It is so amazing to be heard, understood and cared for by others.  This journey through life can be hard at times and it sure helps to have others by your side.

Grateful for the love and friendship that was shared this weekend, grateful for the trust and support of my friends, and grateful for the silence on the prairie this evening.

Decided I better blog early today as I have guests coming in a few hours and won’t have time later.  I doubt that I blog tomorrow as I will have guests all day and through the night Sunday.

All 10 chicks are still alive and doing well today.  I was afraid they would be noisy during the night and wake me up but I didn’t hear them.  They have quieted down and only peep occasionally now.  They are already noticeably growing.  Their wing feathers are starting to come in.

I did a bit of cleaning last night and then did some more this morning.  Still have more to do but I think I can always say that.  Struggling to find the motivation to do more than I absolutely have to these days.

It is a beautiful day on the prairie today.  The Tallgrass Prairie Preserve is burning today.  The smoke is hanging in the air and not blowing away very fast. Sure seems early to burn but they do experimental burning patterns there so maybe they are trying something new again.  Won’t be long before my property gets burned.  Love to watch the evening pasture burns.  Dislike the smoke it causes though.

We have a 100% chance of rain tomorrow evening.  Luckily it is to warm up to 60 tomorrow so it will come as rain and not ice or snow.  Snow is a possibility for Thursday next week though.  Go away winter and stay away.  I’m tired of you!

Found a video that had some central nervous system movements one can do to help calm and regulate your central nervous system.  I saved the video and will try doing them a couple times a day.  The more I read about what happened to me the more I understand that my central nervous system got stuck on the fight or flight response.  When that happens, it can take months to get it to calm back down again.  That explains why my body has been so exhausted and I have had trouble finding motivation to do anything.  When the central nervous system takes over, it shuts off the rational, reasoning part of your brain and that is why my normal bag of tricks didn’t work.

I find it fascinating to discover the science behind my reactions.  It is so helpful to discover these things and know it wasn’t a lack of self-control or discipline that has caused me to react the way I have.

I have come a long ways in four months but feel at times that the road in front of me is still long and winding.  Not sure what the finish line will feel like or how I will know when I reach it.  I’m sure it is a gradual thing and one of those things that you know when you know.  It hasn’t even been two month since the divorce was final.  In some ways it feels like it has been much longer and in other ways it feels like it happened last week.

Bluestem is going to have a chick day again March 10.  I will pre-order 20 more chicks to pick up that day.  If I can find some somewhere else that has them in stock before then I will go get them.  I checked with Tractor Supply in Emporia but they only had ducks left and didn’t know when they would get more chicks.  I’ll call around Monday and see if I can find some place in Topeka or Wichita that has some.  I would prefer not to have to have two pens of chicks for the next eight weeks but will if I have too.  It is hard to mix flocks of chicks of different ages.

I made some hamburger soup for tomorrow night’s dinner.  It is in the crock pot in the refrigerator.  I’ll put it in the crock pot tomorrow and presto – dinner will be ready when I am ready for it.  I have green chicken cooking for dinner tonight.  I will roast some veggies later and dinner for tonight will be ready.  Before I go to bed tonight, I will put some steel cut oats in the crock pot and then breakfast will be ready when I get up tomorrow morning.  Easy peasy!

It will be fun to have company for 2 days.  I’m sure I will be wiped out at the end of it as I am so used to being by myself but it will be worth it.  I love each of the women that are coming and it will be so good to catch up with them and see what is happening in their lives.  I’m sure we won’t lack for something to talk about!

I don’t have anything on my calendar for next week other than looking for some baby chicks and taking care of the ones I have.  Kathy will be coming in Sunday, March 5 so will do somethings to get ready for her.  It will be a quiet, recovery week for me.  I want to get the chicken coop cleaned out and get it ready for the chicks to move into.  Hoping for a nice day some time next week to do that.

Grateful the chicks made it through the night, grateful for the rain that is headed to the prairie, and grateful my friends are coming this weekend.

 

Nothing about today as gone as planned.  It was way more fun than I had planned though.

I was in Emporia by 8:30 this morning.  I stopped at the ATM to get cash to buy baby chicks and then went and picked up two grandchildren.  We drove to pick up a girlfriend of one of the grandchildren and then went to Bluestem.  We got there at 9:00.  There was a long line of people waiting to buy chicks.  They started selling them at 9:00.

The kiddos stood in line for me while I went and got feed and needed supplies. I came back and they hadn’t moved yet.  Tagen and his girlfriend went and found a heat lamp and bulb for me.  When he came back the line still hadn’t moved.

It took over 30 minutes to get to the front of the line.  Then I found out that I could only get 10 chicks unless I had pre-ordered.  I didn’t know anything about prep-ordering so could only get 10.  The guy gave me an assortment of breeds, we paid and then headed home.  The guy that sells them will be back in March. He gave me the date and his phone number so I can call on the Tuesday of the week he is coming and I need to pre-order the other 20 I want.  He said demand is very high right now and he is having trouble keeping up with the demand.  He warned me to be patient trying to get him on his phone as he is tied up all day taking pre-orders.

The grandkids helped me get the heat lamp put together and hung.  The chicks are upstairs for now.  By the time they are a week old I will either move them downstairs into a bigger space or put them in the coop outside, depending on the weather.

The chicks have finally settled down and are quietly peeping now.  They sure were noisy when we got home.  We dipped their little beaks in sugar water and they perked up some.  All seem to be eating and drinking OK this late afternoon.  The grandkids had fun picking one out at a time and loving on it.  Hopefully I can keep all of them alive, we shall see.  It is not unusual to lose one or two when they are so little.

I fixed pancakes and scrambled eggs for the kiddos once we got the chicks settled.  After I got the dishwasher loaded after breakfast, I baked a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.  They are Tagen’s favorite, especially hot out of the oven.

By the time I got the cookies baked and the dishwasher unload and loaded again it was time to fix lunch.  I fixed old fashioned macaroni and cheese.  I didn’t have any boxes on hand but had the stuff to make it the old fashioned way.  I fixed some ham sandwiches to go with it and called it lunch.  They all three ate it and went back for seconds so I am calling it a success.  Another load of dished got started in the dishwasher.

The kiddos watched a second movie and then I took them back into Emporia.  They took home left over macaroni and cheese, two ham sandwiches and a bunch of cookies.  We had a fun day and they were very well behaved today.

After I dropped the kiddos off I went to Walmart to pick up my new prescription of thyroid medication.  Last year I paid $87 for a 30 day supply, this year it is $143.  Yikes!  I will now take it seven days a week instead of four or five so will need a refill every month.  May need to get a job soon!  The price is with my prescription insurance.  It would have been over $400 without insurance.

I picked up a few more groceries.  I used a half gallon of milk today with the kiddos here.  They each drank two glasses at breakfast time and then I used the rest of it making the macaroni and cheese.  I forget how fast kids go through milk.  I rarely use a half gallon before it expires.

I haven’t gotten any cleaning done today yet.  I am really tired this afternoon.  I had trouble sleeping last night.  I took a sleep aide but it didn’t seem to work last night.  A high school student passed away yesterday.  I know her dad and I kept thinking of her family all night.  What a tragic situation for all.  It is so cruel to have to bury one of your children.  Tagen and Ellexia both know the family and we talked about it off and on today.  It is hard for adults to process, let alone the kiddos.

Can’t decide if I am going to take a nap and then get up and clean or just call it a day and go to bed very early and get up early tomorrow and clean.  I did get the eggs boiled and the ham salad made today but still have lots of things to prep tomorrow in addition to cleaning the floors and bathrooms upstairs.  We shall see what I do.

As I was driving home from Emporia this afternoon it started raining ice pellets.  My windshield wipers froze up and had trouble keeping the ice off the windshield.  I was surprised it rained.  Grateful for the moisture but we didn’t get much before it stopped.  We are to get more rain over the weekend.  Hoping it warms up and it comes down as rain and not more ice.

It was fun having the grandkids help with the baby chicks.  We had a nice day together.  They pitched in and helped me out.  Tagen carried the heavy sack of chick feed and Ellexia carried the heart lamp.  The girlfriend carried the chicks in for me.  It feels good to have chickens back on the prairie.  I have missed them.  Chicks are a pain in the ass for a while but they grow fast and before I know it I will be back in the egg business.

Grateful for the time with the kiddos today, grateful to have chickens again, and grateful for what moisture we did get today.

I went to Topeka for an Endocrinology appointment this morning.  Luckily a friend rode along with me and it turned into a fun day.

I met with a new Endocrinologist Nurse Practitioner today.  She was great.  She is switching me to a lower dose of the liquid Tirosint and I will take it seven days a week.  Hoping that will help stabilize my TSH levels.  When I took the higher dose it made my TSH go too low.  The pharmacy doesn’t stock it and ordered it for me.  I will start taking it when I get it and then have my TSH levels checked six weeks after I begin taking it.  Trusting this is the solution I have been looking for.

I liked the new nurse.  She got right to the point, listened well, and was willing to try something new.  She has worked with Dr. Brian through the hospital for the last eight years and is excited to be in the clinic full time now.

After my appointment we went to Best Buy so my friend could pick up a few things.  We then went to Nature Grocers so I could get some steel cut oats.  Emporia seemed to be out of them.  We then went to Longhorn for lunch.  I had the most delicious chicken Parmesan with a baked sweet potato.  We came home after lunch.

It made the day so much more fun having a friend along for the ride.  The day flew by and was over too soon.

When we got home I got a call and found out my taxes were ready to be picked up.  I went to Emporia and picked them up and then stopped and got groceries for the weekend.  I’m glad I went to town as I found out that tomorrow is chick day at Bluestem.

I texted Kathy and she has agreed to help me with chicken chores so I will go to town tomorrow and get 30 chicks.  I will keep them downstairs for the first two weeks and then hopefully it will be warm enough I can move them into the chicken coop.  They are much easier to care for in the chicken coop.  They grow fast and my little pen inside won’t hold 30 bigger chicks.

I have missed having chickens but haven’t missed cleaning out the coop.  That project will need to be done before I can move the babies into the coop.  Sure hope the weather cooperates with me and I can get them moved outdoors quickly.

It takes them 18 – 22 weeks before they start laying eggs so I won’t have any eggs until July.  The cost of chicks has almost double since last I bought them two years ago.  They are now $5 or $6 a piece, depending on the quantity you buy and the breed.  I bet food prices for them have risen too.  I will need to increase the cost of my eggs to make up for it.

Got my taxes and got good news.  I get a big refund from both federal and state.  I didn’t owe any taxes this year.  One of the rentals had a big loss and that helps at tax time.  We had withheld based on Jim and I together and without his income I came out way ahead.  The refund will almost pay for my trip in September!  yay!  I have adjusted my social security so less federal tax is going to be withheld this year so I come out even next year.  I hate letting the feds or the state use my money throughout the year when I don’t owe it to them.  Grateful my taxes are done for the year.

Tagen texted me this morning and requested some chocolate peanut butter ritz treats so got the stuff to make those while I was at the grocery store this afternoon.  I will get those made up tonight so I can take them in when I go pick up chicks in the morning.

Tomorrow after I come home from getting chicks I will finish cleaning house.  I waited to do the floors upstairs as the wind has been blowing hard and it blows in dust.  I will need to do a final dusting of all the furniture tomorrow too.

I got a request from Social Security for wage information from an employee we had in 1998.  Yikes!  Those records are gone.  I looked up the record keeping requirements and as far as I can tell you only have to hold on to records for seven years.  Maybe they thought they would get lucky but I don’t have the information to give them anymore.

It has been a great day.  Got several things done, feel encouraged by the doctor appointment, and am excited about having chickens again.

Grateful for a nurse practitioner that listens, grateful for a friend that rode along with me today, and grateful for my tax refund.

Today has been a much better day.  I actually got the basement floors cleaned and the basement is almost ready for the guests I have coming this weekend.  Will need to do some last minute dusting and touch-ups but that won’t take long.

I sure can tell the weather is changing.  The temperature climbed overnight and through he morning but then started dropping.  After a high of 63 today, the high tomorrow will only be 29.  It has already dropped to 30 today.  Yikes!  Another short blast of winter for the plains.

I just realized I never got fully dressed today.  I put on a pair of sweat pants when I got up as I was chilly and forgot to take a shower and get fully dressed later in the morning.  Guess this was a PJ day.

I called the post office this morning to ask about my missing mail.  I didn’t receive my water bill nor my electric bill.  I did get the disconnect notice about the late water bill.  The electric bill gets automatically deducted so it didn’t matter that I didn’t get it.  The postmaster didn’t know what the problem was.  She was going to leave a note for my carrier.

I called the locksmith as I still haven’t gotten a bill for the work he did back in January.  I was afraid he had sent me a bill and I had not gotten it.   The locksmith said he would talk to his wife, as she is his bookkeeper and they would let me know how much the bill was.  He didn’t know if she had sent a bill or not.

Nicole called and we chatted for a bit.  We had an interesting conversation about the state of world affairs.  I have a theory that the world is undergoing a major energy change and the chaos is related to the part of the world that doesn’t want things to change.  There is a part of the world that are holding on as hard as they know how to hold on and resisting any change.  The other part of the world is quietly changing how they live their lives.  This part of the world is dropping out of doing things the way we have always done things, dropping the commercialism, finding ways to simplify and minimize, and doing work on themselves.  Our institutions are all in a state of crisis and are failing at doing what their intent is.  The old way of doing things has to fall apart so the new way can have room to expand and grow.

There is a chart of consciousness that lists the various emotional states humans can find themselves in.  Shame is at the bottom and Bliss and Joy are at the top.  Neutral is the place where you don’t add to the negative energy of the world but you don’t add to the positive energy either.  My theory is if everyone can do their own inner work and be able to maintain themselves at one step above neutral, the world would be a whole different place to live in.

Sometimes we look outside of ourselves for solutions to the world’s problems, where one possible solution is inside each of us.  Doing your shadow work and making peace with yourself and those you interact with can help you get to a neutral level and possibility a step or two above that.

Most days I can hold myself at a neutral level but I have days like yesterday where I fall below.  Some days I can even climb the consciousness ladder and get pretty close to the top.  Some days I fall all the way down to shame.  That is the human condition.  I don’t know of anyone that can maintain the top rungs ALL the time.  Being aware of where I am on the ladder is helpful though and it can provide me the motivation to do my inner work so I can climb up and above neutral.

Tomorrow I am going to Topeka for my appointment with my Endocrinologist nurse.  A friend is riding along and we both have some stops we want to make while we are in Topeka.  We will eat out and then come home.  It will be a cold day to run errands but it is to be sunny and dry.

Friday I will go to Emporia and get some groceries and then come home and finish getting the house clean.  Saturday morning I will spend in the kitchen getting meals prepped for the weekend.  My Saturday guests will be arriving late Saturday afternoon.  It will be fun to have a house full all weekend.

Next week I don’t have anything on my calendar except getting ready for Kathy to return home.  She will be here a week from Sunday.  Her daughter Joy, and Joy’s twins will be riding to KS with Kathy and will be staying for a couple of days.  So looking forward to seeing them and showing Joy and the twins the Flint Hills of KS.

Grateful I got the basement cleaned today, grateful I have a working furnace, and grateful the roads will be dry tomorrow.

 

It has been a weird day for me.  Something has felt off all day.  I took a nap this afternoon in hopes that I would wake up and restart my day.  So far, that didn’t work.

Not sure what is up.  I feel like I slid backwards in my recovery.  I have been ruminating about the past today and can’t seem to stop myself.  It is a bit better now then it was this morning but not sure why I am doing this.  Maybe it is just one of those days.

I haven’t done a thing again today.  May try to force myself to do something this evening.  I do feel better when I get something done but getting started takes a lot of effort.  Just didn’t have it in my tank today to make myself do anything.

I did manage to write a note and send out to the women that are coming this weekend for our reunion.  I found out today I will have two, and possibly three house guests Saturday evening and then two different guests Sunday evening.  I worked on a menu as I will be fixing dinner Saturday evening, three meals on Sunday and then breakfast on Monday.  I like cooking so that will be fun for me.  I made out a grocery list of things to pick up on Friday.  I already got most of the stuff earlier this week so won’t take long to get the additional items.

I did warn the guests coming that I seem to get overwhelmed easily these days with group energy and I might have to excuse myself for a bit and hide in my room for a while.  Kinda like putting myself in time out.  I’m not sure the anxiety happens because I spend so much time alone or if it is just where I am in my recovery journey.  It may not happen but thought I would give them a heads up in case.  That will make it easier for myself to step out for a bit if needed.

A friend sent me a message today.  I almost wrote something that I didn’t really mean in my answer and caught myself and didn’t write it.  I will count that as progress in my codependency healing journey.  Maybe I did get something done today!

The weather was mixed today.  It warmed up but was windy and I can tell there is a weather change coming soon.  It has been cloudy this afternoon and the temperature is starting to drop a bit.  It is to be turn cold Thursday and Friday but warm up again this weekend.  I don’t think we are to get any snow but that may change.  We sure could use the moisture.

Jason called to chat with me this morning.  It was good to have someone to talk to for a bit.  He calls every other week or so just to chat.  I so appreciate him calling and letting me know what is happening in his neck of the woods.

A friend that had a bilateral mastectomy last week called and we chatted for a bit last night.  She sounded much better than I thought she would be.  She is up walking around, stretching lightly and doing what she needs to do to recover quickly.  She is even doing some work at home for her job already.  It is amazing what the human body can do to help itself.  I was grateful she called and let me know how she is doing.

Thursday I have to go to Topeka for a doctor’s appointment.  A friend is going to ride along with me as she needs something from Topeka.  It will be fun to have a day out with a friend.  I have a couple of stops to make in Topeka besides the doctor appointment and she has a stop we will make.  We will enjoy lunch together and running our errands.  The day will be a lot more fun having a friend ride along.

It will be good for me to get out of the house all day Thursday.  I don’t like to get out just to get out and so I stay home most of the time.  I make a good hermit these days.

I’m getting excited thinking about my sister coming back home to live.  She is easy to live with and good company.  We eat on the same food plan (when we stick to eating on plan) and are on a similar healing journey.  She made lots of friends when she lived with me several years ago.  She likes to get out more than I do so maybe she will help me get out more.

Chalking today up to one of those days.  If you don’t have a hard day once in a while you begin to take the easy days for granted.  I’m sure tomorrow will be a better one.

Grateful I caught myself before I sent a message I didn’t mean, grateful the reunion is soon, and grateful my friend is going to Topeka with me.

 

What a beautiful spring-like day on the prairie.  It reached into the low 60’s today and little wind.  I officially have a bad case of spring fever now.

I went to Cottonwood Falls this afternoon for happy hour at a friend’s house.  There were five or six other women there.  I felt a bit more comfortable today but didn’t stay very long.  The anxiety was still in my background but a bit quieter today.

Yesterday I got a notice from the water department that my water is going to shut off February 27 if I don’t get my past due bill paid.  I hadn’t received a bill and forgot to call and ask them how much it was.  I dropped off the payment as I drove through Strong City this afternoon.  Embarrassing to be late but when you don’t get a bill it is hard to pay.  The mail service is not as reliable as it used to be.

I’ve had another day of not doing much.  I read a post on Facebook yesterday that said “When you finally feel safe, you will feel exhausted.  You will want to rest a lot more, sleep more or do absolutely nothing and know that that is ok!  After so long of being in survival mode, your body recognizes that you can now lay down your armour”.  When I read that I knew that described my situation perfectly.  I knew there was a reason for the empty space and that I needed to trust it was what I needed to be doing right now.  This post seemed to confirm that and allow me to step into acceptance of doing nothing right now.

I love when answers to my problems show up when I least expect it.  Facebook taught me what I was doing wrong in my marriage, helped me identify what the root cause was and now helped me understand why I can’t seem to do anything.  It helps me step into acceptance of my situation and give it a name.  I find that so helpful.

No plans for tomorrow and Wednesday.  I hope to get some cleaning done if the mood hits.  I don’t want to leave it all until Friday and Saturday so hoping the mood hits.

It is to reach 70 on Wednesday and then a cold front comes in and the high on Thursday will be 37.  It will be back in the mid 50’s by Saturday.  Maybe these two days will be the last two days of winter for the year.

Feeling the in-between time tonight.  It is easier knowing it is my central nervous system healing and calming and I need to give it as much time as it needs to fully settle down.  Part of me wants to rush this time and part of me knows not to.

Grateful for the spring-like day on the prairie today, grateful to have learned what this in-between time is for, and grateful my water bill got paid and the water didn’t get shut off.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie.  The wind wasn’t a facture today and it reached the low 60’s.  Felt like a taste of spring.  The warm days will only last a day or two and then there is a chance for snow later this week.  Gotta love KS weather.  You never know what you are going to get.

I went to Emporia early afternoon and took Ellexia to Bruff’s for lunch.  The service was really bad.  We waited over 10 minutes for our waitress to show up.  We got our food fairly quickly but it wasn’t what we ordered.  The waitress didn’t say anything when I told her we didn’t get what we ordered.  Five minutes later she brought some of the missing food and put it on our table without saying anything.

The good news is Ellexia and I had a nice time visiting while we were eating.  When we were done she went with me to Walmart so I could get some groceries.  I took her home and then stopped at two other grocery stores to get an item on my list.  I then came home and put things away.

I am still surprised when the grocery store is out of stock of things.  It sure seems to happen frequently these days.  I don’t remember this happening before Covid.  The supply chain must still be in a process of recovering.  I wonder if this is the way it will be from here on out.

I’ve done three loads of laundry today.  Other than that I didn’t get much done today.

It felt good to get out of the house for a bit and have some conversation.  I didn’t have any anxiety talking to just Ellexia.  She is fun and entertaining and keeps me on my toes.

I don’t have anything on my calendar until Thursday when I have to go to a doctor’s appointment.  I will get some more cleaning done over the next three days.  Friday I will need to go get some more groceries for the weekend reunion.  I will need some fresh fruit and bread that I didn’t want to get today.  I still need to bake a few batches of cookies for this coming weekend and the next weekend.  I miss baking cookies so this will be fun for me.

I listened to a healing sound YouTube last night as I was trying to fall asleep.  I’m not sure if it did any good but I feel a bit more clear headed today.  I believe in the power of healing sound so maybe something shifted.

Something has shifted inside me in a good way,  I have felt more calm and groundedness today than I have for a while.  I’ll see how long I can hold on to it. However it hangs along, I am grateful.  My mind is quiet today for the first time in a long time.

Grateful for the time I spent with Ellexia today, grateful for the spring like day, and I am grateful for my quiet mind for however long it lasts.

It ha been a very quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t said a word to anyone today.  The wind has been in a big hurry all day.  My weather station recorded a 48.5 MPH wind gust today.  The wind usually slows down at sunset but not so yet today.  It reached the low 50’s today but with the wind it didn’t feel that warm.

The sound of the wind is wearing me out this evening.  Some days I find it relaxing to hear the wind and other days it gets on my last nerve.  I hate to expend my energy in resistance to the wind and that is a loosing case.

I didn’t do anything today.  I have been binge watching Madam Secretary.  I did get my kitchen cleaned up.  Last night I went to bed without cleaning my kitchen sink.  That is unusual for me.  It felt good to get the dishwasher unloaded and the kitchen sink cleaned.  Not sure why that is a thing for me but it bothers me when the sink is full of dirty dishes.

Woke up in a bit of a funk this morning but was able to pull myself out of it.  Not sure why is showed up but thinking it was some remnants of yesterday.  This afternoon I felt more like myself and not so befuddled.  It is interesting to watch the triggers show up and how they manifest.  This healing journey is not for the faint of heart.

Still working on my grocery list for the weekend.  I remembered I used the last of my eggs and need to get some more.  Still not used to buying and using grocery store eggs.  They just aren’t the same as the ones I picked up fresh from the chicken coop.

Finding myself drifting a bit.  I don’t have much to do and struggle to make myself do what little I need to do somedays.  It doesn’t feel like depression so thinking it is a stage in my recovery.  Lots of empty space right now and hard for me to fully step in to it.  I know I have had a habit in the past of not slowing down enough and allowing what is.  This in-between stage is testing me.  It feels important that I allow myself this empty space and I not rush through it irregardless of how uncomfortable it makes me.  I’m not sure what the outcome of all of this will be but am trusting there will be a rich lesson in all of this for me.

Grateful the kitchen sink is clean tonight, grateful the wind is blowing in some warm weather, and grateful for my recovery and growth.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie.  The temperature reached the mid 40’s and it was bright and sunny all day.  The wind even slowed down and wasn’t a factor.

I went to Cottonwood Falls and had lunch with five friends.  It was nice to have conversation for a bit.  It had been a few days since I had talked to anyone.  After lunch I dropped off the recycling.  It was a good day to drop it off as the trailer was all but empty.

I haven’t done much this afternoon.  I put the pot roast in the crock pot this morning so I had that for dinner.  It was really good and tender.

I don’t have anything on my calendar for the weekend.  I want to bake some cookies for next weekend and then freeze them.  I need to check with the grandkids to see if they need any treats.  I might check and see if the kids want to come out for a meal on Sunday.  I need to interact more with people and they are good ones for me to do so with.

Lunch was interesting for me.  It was hard for me in a way.  I am getting so used to being by myself that I didn’t know what to say.  It was good to listen to the others and hear the things they are doing. I don’t do much these days so didn’t have much to contribute.  I think the group was a bit too big for me to feel comfortable.  I do better these days with only one or two others.

The trauma I have been through lately has all sorts of hidden traps.  Today I found a new one when I met with five other people.  It set off a bit of anxiety in me that I didn’t know I had and hadn’t experienced before.  I’m grateful I recognize the part that the trauma played in this.  Recognizing what is behind my reaction is helpful in understanding it.  Not sure how I change my reaction in the future but knowing that it might happen again might help me if it does.

I’m still binge watching Madam Secretary.  I am close to the end of the second season.  I think there are six seasons so still have lots of shows to watch.  This show gives me a totally different perspective about the world issues our government deals with.  I know it is not based on true events but they are close enough to give me a flavor of reality.

Kathy will be here in two weeks.  I am grateful she is coming.  It will be nice to have someone to talk to daily again.  It will be another adjustment living with someone again but we have done it before so I know what to expect.  I wrote down some preliminary menus to fix while Kathy’s daughter and her twins are here.  It will be fun to cook for others for a few days.

I also am working on the grocery list for the reunion that I am hosting.  I will have guests on two different nights so will need to provide a couple of meals.  The plans are still a bit up in the air but I should know my mid week how many are coming and when.  It will be fun to have a houseful for a night or two.

Grateful for a beautiful day on the prairie, grateful to have recognized a trauma based trigger, and grateful for the guests that are coming soon.

Went to Emporia this morning to drop off a tax form at the accountant’s office.  Grateful she hadn’t finished my taxes as I didn’t realize this form would be coming.  It was for an investment account I had for a couple months in 2022.  I had closed the account and had forgotten about it.  The account’s tax form didn’t have to be out until February 15.  This was the first time I had opened an account like that and didn’t realize the tax consequences for it.  Glad I closed it when I did.

We got very little snow overnight.  It was snowing when I drove into Emporia this morning but it was a very light, dry snow that I didn’t have to use my wipers for.  The sun came out for just a hot minute this afternoon but got covered with clouds quickly.  The wind has been in a hurry this afternoon and we got a few flurries.  Didn’t amount to much moisture.

Tomorrow it is to be clear and warm up to the mid 40’s and reach the 50’s over the weekend.  I like those temperature ranges better than the 20’s and 30’s.  Ready for winter to be over and for spring to arrive.

Got the lab results from my cancer blood tests and they are the same as last time.  It is always a relief to get those results back and know that there is no deductible cancer blood levels.

Went downstairs and did some more cleaning.  The basement is almost ready for guests.  I will wait until the day or two before my guests come to vacuum and do one last dusting.  It feels good to have half of my house cleaned.  I don’t know if it has been extra dusty lately or if it had been a long time since I dusted but the dust was thicker than it normally is when I clean.

I have a pot roast thawing.  I meant to cook it today but forgot.  I will try to remember to put it in the crock pot tomorrow morning.  I’m trying to use up some beef and I do enjoy pot roast.  It will be way too big for me to eat though and I will get tired of it before I can use it all up.  Anyone want to come over for dinner tomorrow night and help me eat on it?

Tomorrow at noon I am meeting some friends at the Grand for lunch.  I enjoy the women that are coming and it will be good for me to get out of the house and have some conversation with others.  When I go to Cottonwood I need to remember to load the car up with recycling and get it dumped.

I didn’t sleep real well last night.  I took a nap late morning and slept for another hour or so.  Finally woke up feeling rested.  It has been a couple days since that happened.

I have stuck to my eating plan so far today.  I do feel better on several levels when that happens.  Trusting I am back on the wagon and can stay there and get some of this extra weight off again.  I sure can put it on faster than I can take it off.

This has been a better day for me than the last two or three were.  This roller coaster I seem to be on is unpredictable and I never know from hour to hour if I am going up or down.  I do my best to allow whatever direction it goes and remind myself to enjoy the ride.  There was a time in my life that I didn’t allow myself to feel my feelings.  They can still catch me off guard at times with the wild swings.  But I have learned if I allow what ever comes up and honor it, I level out pretty quickly, relatively speaking.

Grateful I got the tax form to the accountant before the taxes got finished, grateful the blood cancer test was negative, and grateful I am back on the wagon.

Can’t believe it is the middle of February already.  Not sure how time passes so quickly when some days feel very long.

We are having a bit of winter tonight.  Snow is in the forecast and it won’t be very warm tomorrow.  It is to warm back up again Friday.  Have to say we have had a mild winter this year.

I haven’t done much again today.  I took a long nap this afternoon and have had trouble waking up from it this evening.  I never did get out of my pajamas today.  It was cold outside today and felt like a good day to have a PJ day.

My eating has been horrible the last week or so.  I eat when I am not hungry and I am not eating on plan.  This evening I feel icky.  Maybe this feeling will motivate me to stick to plan tomorrow.  Enough with the junk foods I have been eating.  I had a weak moment at the grocery store last week and brought home some stuff that I normally don’t eat.  Now I remember why I don’t eat it.

During a conversation with a friend today I pulled out the divorce papers to look something up.  I found what I needed and finished the conversation with her.  I then decided I needed to clean out that file as it was thick and full of papers that I no longer needed to keep.  In the papers were a bunch of emails that Jim and I had exchanged with each other when we were having issues.  I read a few of them and then decided I didn’t need to hold on to the energy the papers represented and threw them away.

As I was reading them, I felt detached from them in a new way.  I immediately saw the pattern in them that I had failed to see at the time they were written.  Each one was the same issue, different verse, same response, different verse.  I keep asking myself why it took me so long to see the pattern at the time.  That question will never have an answer!  Grateful I finally saw the pattern and was able to get help identifying what was really going on.

Had a phone conversation with another friend this afternoon.  It is a friend that I hadn’t spoken to for several years.  I am really enjoying getting back in touch with friends and family members that I haven’t talked to for a long time.  I do believe that some people come in to your life for a reason and many do not stay active in your life.  Some were really important to me at some point and I cherish the memories of the times we had together.

Feeling a bit restless and lost this evening.  My tummy is not happy with me and I am not happy with myself that I caused my tummy to be upset.  Trusting I will feel better in the morning and will treat my tummy with more respect tomorrow.

I didn’t get any house cleaning done today.  Maybe tomorrow I will feel up to it.  I still have nine days before company comes so have plenty of time.  I work best when I am on a deadline.

Riding the roller coaster of life.  Up one day, down the next.  I never quite know what the ride will be like from day to day.  Grateful I am allowing myself to feel what ever comes up and sit with it for as long as I need to so I can hear what it needs to tell me.  There is beauty in the depths of emotion that can be hard to find sometimes.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful for friendships I have had over the years, and grateful this cold snap won’t last long.

I drove to Topeka this morning to have an Ultrasound of my throat and four blood tests.  The lady that did the Ultrasound took me back 15 minutes early so I was done by the time of my appointment.  By the time I got home, the doctor had read the test and the results were normal.

I went to a different office and had the blood drawn.  I got the results of two of them this afternoon.  My TSH was 4.7 which is too high but lower than the last two times I had it checked.  The T4 was within normal limits but on the low side of normal but higher than it has been.

The other two blood tests are for the cancer markers.  They send those tests out so the results won’t be back for a few days.

I went to Chipotle for lunch.  They were having staffing issues today.  The food was almost acceptable and the service was slow and poor.  The worse thing is their ice machine was broken yet again so no iced tea.

I stopped at Nature’s Grocer and got some Manuka Honey and then went to McDonald’s for some iced tea.  Drove home after that.  I had forgotten to take a picture of the paint can for the deck so didn’t stop to get that.  I have to go back to Topeka next week so will get it then.  I’m pretty sure I won’t get to paint much this week anyways.

I haven’t gotten much done at home this afternoon.  I need to get back downstairs and do some more cleaning.  I don’t have anything on my calendar the rest of the week so have plenty of time to clean this week.

I just finished watching the first season of Madam Secretary.  I sure couldn’t work in politics.  They have to sell their soul to the devil to make deals.  No wonder they get corrupted and sell out.

We got about an inch of rain today on the prairie.  Sure could have used lots more but grateful for what we got.  This afternoon we had a wind gust of 48.8 MPH.  Grateful the wind has slowed down for a bit.  I love thunderstorms but not the high winds.

Sitting in that in-between space lately but with a calm heart and head.  It doesn’t feel totally comfortable but I have moved to an acceptance of it.  Not knowing what is next is never going to easy for me but stepping into acceptance of it is the first big step.

Grateful for a safe trip to Topeka today, grateful for the rain that fell on the prairie today, and grateful for acceptance of the in-between state.

It has been yet another quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t spoken to anyone all day today.  It warmed up to the low 60’s today.  Felt a bit like Spring on the prairie.

My sister Kathy wrote in her blog today her plans so now I can talk about it too.  She is moving back to KS and is going to live with me.  We are both excited about it.  Kathy came to live with me in January, 2017 when I needed her help.  We spent almost two years living together until she moved to KY and then she moved back to CT.  It will be good to have her back home.

Kathy’s daughter and two of her children are driving to Kansas with Kathy the first week of March and then will fly back to CT.  I’m excited to have Joy and her twins come to KS.  It has been too long since they have been here.  I’m glad Kathy isn’t making that long drive alone.

I had seriously considered selling this house and moving to something smaller but with Kathy coming I will be able to stay here.  I have loved living in this house more than any other house I have ever lived in.  It is way too big for only one person though.  Bigger than two people need to but it eases my conscious a bit.

I got some cleaning downstairs done today.  Didn’t get the whole basement cleaned but got a good start on it.  Found lots of dust and dirt.  I couldn’t remember the last time I had dusted the woodwork on the staircase.  Guess it was way overdue as it was really dusty.

Tomorrow I go to Topeka late morning for my semi-annual throat ultrasound and a blood draw.  I will stop and get lunch before I come home.  I want to stop and get some more deck paint at Home Depot too.  I will have to go back to Topeka to see the Nurse and get the results of the ultrasound and blood test a week from Thursday.  February has turned into a self-care month for me.

I fell asleep in my chair this afternoon.  I slept good last night so not sure why I was tired but I will take sleep whenever it finds me.  I woke up feeling a bit out of it but finally woke up and felt better.  I am watching a few more episodes of Madam Secretary.  This show keeps getting better and better.

Sure hope we get the rain that is in the forecast for the night.  We are really dry and need rain badly.  All the ponds are really low.  Burning season will be here before we know it and we need some moisture to lessen the risk.

Grateful Kathy is coming home, grateful some cleaning got done, and grateful for extra sleep today.

It has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I woke up earlier than I have been and couldn’t go back to sleep so I was up, showered and dressed by 7:00 this morning.  I did two loads of laundry but not sure anything else has gotten accomplished today.

I turned the Super Bowl on just a bit ago so will watch that this evening.  Tim and Michelle invited me to come in and watch it with them but am struggling to go to town today.  Think I will stay home and listen to it here.  Just can’t people today.  I did so appreciate the invitation though.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow.  It will be another quiet day on the prairie.  Project Clean House will commence.  I would like to get the three bedrooms and two bathrooms downstairs cleaned tomorrow.  We will see how far I get.

My newest binge watching is Madam Secretary.  I haven’t finished the first season yet.  It is one of those series that I can watch two or three and then have to take a break.  So far it hasn’t had a story line that I have to watch the next show so I can know what happens.  It does give one an appreciation for the types of give and take that our government uses through out the world.  Wish things were as easy to solve as they appear on the show.

I did remember to water the plants downstairs today.  I don’t think they got watered last week.  They didn’t look bad today so maybe they will forgive me and continue to grow.  They are some that belonged to Jim and he didn’t take them.  They are spider plants which are fairly easy to grow.  They are sending out new spiders so thinking they are doing OK.

I rarely watch live TV.  I am sitting here totally confused as I watch the commercials advertising things that I have never heard of before.  I am playing a game with myself tonight as I watch the Super Bowl and tracking how many commercials I can guess correctly what they are advertising.  So far, I am not doing very well.  I am out of the loop of being hip and cool and current.  Guess my age is showing tonight!

Grateful for a quiet day on the prairie, grateful I remembered to water my plants, and grateful I don’t have to be current and hip.

Five years ago today I started eating the Bright Line way.  It isn’t a diet as much as a way of eating for life.  The principles of the program are you don’t break four lines – 1.  No flour. 2.  No sugar. 3.  Three meals a day with no snacking. 4. Weigh and measure your food.

Most days I follow the program.  I have had very little sugar for the last five years.  No cookies, no cake, no pie, no artificial sugar.  I have eaten some Manuka Honey when I had tummy problems but other than that no other high sugar foods.  I do eat fruit but the sugar in fruit is natural and I eat real fruit, not dehydrated.  On vacation this year I ate a salad that I didn’t know had sugar in it.  I got an instant headache that lasted several hours.  I think my body has forgotten how to process sugar and it certainly didn’t like it.

I have eaten more flour than I should lately.  I have realized my tummy doesn’t process flour well and when I do eat it I pay a price for it.  I also do not eat fake or products that contain other types of flour.  Flour acts as a trigger for me.  When I eat flour I start to crave more food and sweets.  If I can stay away from flour, I have no cravings.

Most days I don’t snack.  I break that line occasionally but when I snack it is usually some fruit or veggies.  Snacking leads to over eating though and craving.

I eat mainly one ingredient foods, i.e. chicken, blueberries, yogurt, green beans, carrots, hamburger, steak, etc.  I mainly avoid processed foods when I can and rarely eat away from home.

When I started the program in 2018 I lost 52 pounds over seven months.  I have since gained back 15 pounds.  It is hard to get back on the wagon and stay there long enough to take the 15 pounds back off.  I can stay on for a bit but then something comes up and before I know it I am back to eating foods that I should not be.  I really do feel better when I stick with the program.  Wish I could remember that every day!

With all my emotional turmoil over the last six months I have fallen back into my old habit of emotionally eating.  My weight has not been my top priority lately as I needed to calm my center nervous system first.  Recovery has taken most of my focus and is my top priority right now.  The weight will come back off when I can make it a top priority and am farther down the road in my recovery.

Today has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I did go to Emporia this morning to pick up some groceries.  I ended up with a full cart full as I needed to buy cat food, dog food and a 20 pound bag of ice along with the other things I needed.

I am organizing a reunion for a group that I used to be in.  I sent a letter out to invite the group for a gathering.  After I sent it I realized I did the co-dependency thing without thinking.  Luckily, everything worked out the way I needed it to and I didn’t have to back out of hosting the gathering.  I will consider it progress that I realized what I did and was going to take preventive action to fix it.  I am going to have to slow down next time, pause, and ask myself if what I am saying is really what I want to say.  Catching myself and taking a different action is going to take conscious effort on my part.

Tomorrow I plan to watch the Super Bowl but other than that have nothing planned.  Monday is wide open and then Tuesday I go to Topeka for an ultrasound and blood draw.  The rest of the week is wide open.  If the weather holds, I will find another friend or relative to go visit.  I am enjoying these visits.

In two weeks I have some friends coming to spend the night.  I will need to start cleaning house next week.  I have needed some motivation to clean house and this will give me that.  I may have three or four friends spending the night so will need all the extra bedrooms.  Project Clean House is about to commence.

Sitting with what is becoming a familiar feeling of restlessness.  This in -between stage is exhausting and overwhelming.  I can refill my inside bucket with light but can’t seem to hold on to it.  I get drained very quickly and then I become cranky and irritable.  At least I can now recognize the feeling and can be on watch for the irritability so I don’t dump it on someone that doesn’t deserve it.  For a while today though, I tried to eat my feelings and that never works.  Then a cycle starts of shame and guilt and that makes me go even farther down the rabbit hole.  Grateful I figured out what was going on today and why I was feeling the way I was and why I was eating like I was.  Self work takes a level of consciousness that I struggle to maintain sometimes.  And this too shall pass.

Grateful the reunion is going to happen, grateful I realized what I did, and grateful the fall out from today has leveled off.

I slept a ridiculous amount of hours last night.  I was in bed a little after 5:00 last evening.  I got up at 11:00pm, took a bath and went back to bed and slept all night.  Wow!  I’m a bit tired this afternoon.  The more I sleep, the more sleep I want.

I went over to Newton today.  My first stop was to see a friend, I am ashamed to say, I hadn’t seen for seven years.  Life got in the way and we hadn’t taken the time to connect.  She had a busy afternoon so was only able to spend 30 minutes with me, but it was fabulous to visit with her.

I then went to The Breadbasket for lunch.  It was delicious.  They had some very tempting pies but I was able to remember that is no longer my food and I passed on eating dessert. The sandwich I had was delicious.

The main reason I went to Newton was to see my Aunt.  She was my father’s sister-in-law and although she and her husband divorced years ago, I still consider her my aunt.  She is now 83 and living in a nursing home.  She had me confused off and on with my mother.  We would talk for a bit and she knew who I was, and then when I least expected it, I was my mother to her.  No matter, it was still great to see her and have a visit with her.

One of the things I am working on doing for myself is forcing myself to get out and reconnect with people I love.  It is easy for me to cut myself off and stay home all the time and I know on some level that isn’t healthy for me.  I am committed to visiting a family member or a dear friend at least once a month this year.  In January I spent an afternoon with my Aunt Marylyn and today I visited my Aunt Jeanie.  I have lots of relatives and dear friends on my list for the rest of the year.  I think I get more out of the times I spend with them than they do.

The drive over to Newton was lovely today.  It was a bit cold (low 40’s) but the sun was shining and the prairie was winter lovely.  Traffic was light and the drive was easy.  I was restless this morning and needed to get out of the house.  Grateful to have gone and get in two good visits with one drive.

I was going to go to Emporia this morning to get a few things but decided to go to Newton instead.  I’ll go into Emporia tomorrow.  What I needed can wait until then.  I may make the kiddos some treats and take them when I go to town.  I might even be able to talk Ellexia into coming home with me for a bit.

I will watch the Super Bowl Sunday evening but other than that, nothing planned for the weekend.  Tuesday I have to go to Topeka late morning for an ultrasound and some blood work.  I will find a good place to have lunch while I am in Topeka and treat myself.  I want to stop and get some more deck paint so I am ready to go when the weather breaks and I can start my deck project.

I was hoping I would have heard from my accountant about my taxes this week but she didn’t call.  When she called Monday she said she had them done but they had to go through their office review process and then they would call me.  I know they have some business stuff that has a deadline soon so they must have gotten stuck doing that first.  No real rush other than I like to cross things off my pending list.  I still need the guttering guy to come fix the broken guttering too.  Both will happen in time, I guess.

Aunt Jeanie stirred up some old memories for me.  It is fascinating to hear things from her perspective.  She told me things about my uncles and grandparents that I didn’t know.  I love finding out new things about my family.  It helps me understand the dynamics of it in a new way.  I know memories are not always the most reliable facts of the past but it does give you a different perspective and view.

Grateful for visits with my friend and Aunt, grateful for a beautiful drive, and grateful for sleep.

I stayed up way too late last night watching the last episodes of New Amsterdam.  I didn’t realize I have so many to watch or I would have given up earlier in the evening.  The plot got so good I didn’t want to wait to find out what happened next.  Now to wait until Season 5 is released.

I didn’t take a sleeping aide last night and had trouble sleeping.  I only got about three hours of sleep.  I laid down to rest this afternoon but couldn’t go to sleep.  Thinking it will be a very early bedtime tonight with a sleeping aide.

I haven’t gotten much done again today.  Can’t think of much that needs done.  Did get two loads of laundry washed, folded and put away.  Guess I will count that as a day’s work.

I started looking for baby chicks to mail order.  Having trouble finding the breeds I want.  I want to reserve some for March but haven’t found what I am looking for yet.  Evidently the demand for chicks is very high right now due to the high price of eggs.  May have to wait until the chick guy comes to Bluestem and get mine there.  I’ll have to call and find out when he is coming.

We got less than an inch of rain on the prairie last night.  Missed out on the sleet and snow that others around us got.  The wind was in a big hurry during the night and again this afternoon.  It only got to the mid 40’s today and is not going to get that warm tomorrow.  I kinda like the mid 50’s and higher better.

Tomorrow I need to go to Emporia to get some groceries and to get out of the house.  I have been very restless today but didn’t feel like getting out.  I think today I am tired more than anything and when I get overly tired I get restless.  Hoping after a good night’s sleep tonight tomorrow will be easier for me.

It has been over three months now since Jim left.  I am starting to find a new rhythm to my life and adjusting to living alone again.  Somedays it feels like he just left and other days it feels like he has been gone for a year.  I finally am starting to feel like myself and to begin to trust my reality and self.  Still have a ways to go to be able to hold my grounding and light but I feel progress has been made.  It is going to take me a while longer to be able to trust others again.

I’m grateful I can find moments of peace and calm for myself.  I can’t hold on to that feeling but I am remembering what it is and can touch it again.  It had been a while since I have been able to do that.

Healing myself has taken more energy and effort than I imagined it would.  I am grateful that I have had this empty space to give to myself to accomplish what healing has happened.  I am starting to feel the urge to rejoin the world a bit more but still not sure the best way to go about making that happen.  Too much, too soon makes me lose my grounding and light.  Finding the right balance is a bit of a challenge right now.

Grateful for what moisture the prairie did receive overnight, grateful for the empty space I am living in right now, and grateful for the progress I am making in my healing journey.

 

It has been a very quiet day on the prairie.  The rain, if you can call it that, just started an hour or so ago.  It is more of a light drizzle than rain.  Have my fingers crossed that it will turn into real rain soon.  We so need moisture on the prairie.

I slept long and hard last night.  Starting to wonder if there is an accumulative effect of the sleeping aide.  I’m a bit concerned about my heart rate at night as the alarm on my smart watch goes off several times a night to alert me to the fact that my heart rate drops below 45 and stays there for 10 minutes.  Last night I got 10 such alerts.  The lowest was 40.  I’ll send a message to my doctor’s office tomorrow if I remember to do so and ask him for his recommendation.  I will be sad if he recommends I quit taking them.

For the first time in several weeks I have stayed on my eating plan today.  That feels like a win for the day.

Did some financial planning today.  Once a year or so I look at my spending and see if I am making the right choices.  I have the big trip coming up in September and needed to make sure it wouldn’t throw me off plan.  I will get a big tax refund this year that will offset much of the trip.  That is a good thing!  Money is still a trigger for me and can cause me to doubt myself.  It was good to review my spending for last year and know that from a pure factual perspective I am doing OK.  My fears can cloud the truth sometimes.

It is funny how my triggers seem to find a way to raise their ugly heads at times when I least expect them.  It has helped that over the years of my internal healing I have learned most of them and can recognize them for what they are.  I also know that your triggers never really go away, they present again and again on a higher level on the spiral of life.

Grateful for the moisture that is falling on the prairie today, grateful for the life lessons I have learned on my healing journey, and grateful I stayed on my eating plan today.

I stayed up way too late last night watching New Amsterdam.  I took one of my sleeping aides and slept in this morning.  I have felt a bit hungover today and have had trouble getting going.

Took my car to Cottonwood Falls to get the oil changed and the tires rotated.  It took a little over an hour.  They always wash the car when they are done.  BJ took some extra time with the wash and got all the mud from the tire wheels washed off.  I had it washed at the car wash in Emporia earlier this week and this car wash got the rest of the winter muck off of it.

I stopped at the Mexican restaurant in Strong City for lunch after the car was done.  I had chicken fajitas.  They did a nice job with them today.  As usual when I eat there, I came home feeling stuffed.

I’m watching Season Four of New Amsterdam this afternoon.  Thinking it will go most of the evening.  I was sorry to read today that the series was cancelled after Season Five.  They are playing Season Five live now so not sure when it will get released so I can binge watch it.  I’ll have to find another series to watch after I finish this one.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the fact that I don’t have anything on my calendar until next Tuesday.  Not sure what I want to fill my time with so will need to sit with the uncertainty of having seven days of empty space.  I do well with three and up to four days of empty space but get restless after that.

Next Tuesday I have to go to Topeka for my semi-annual neck ultrasound and a cancer blood test.  The following week I go back to Topeka to meet with the Endocrinologist Nurse for a follow-up visit.  February seems to be my health care month.  I will repeat all these appointments in August.

I enjoyed the sunshine today.  It wasn’t as warm as yesterday but the wind wasn’t so high.  Last night there was a 45 MPH wind gust.  Grateful the wind slowed down a bit today.

I am getting a bad case of spring fever.  I am wanting to get outside and start painting the deck.  I need a project and that will give me a big one.  When I am in Topeka next Tuesday I will need to stop and get more paint so I will be ready to go when the weather breaks in my favor.  Might need to have a painting weekend and invite others to come help.  It is a big project and many hands will make the project go faster.

Grateful the car has been taken care of, grateful for the beautiful day, and grateful spring will be here soon.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie today but the wind has been up to 35 MPH today.  Seems like when it warms up the wind shows up.  Gotta love the wind in KS or you can go crazy.

I had my doctor’s appointment at 9:30 this morning.  They were running on time and they took me back shortly after I got checked in.  The doctor showed up shortly after the nurse took my information.  I was in and out in 20 minutes.  The doctor called in my refills on my prescriptions and we were done.

I took in the sleeping aide I have been using and asked the doctor if it was safe for me to take.  So many medications interfere with my thyroid medication and cause my levels to raise and I wanted to make sure it was safe for me to take.  He looked some things up and then told me it was safe to take.  I asked him if it was addictive and he said no.  I only take half of a pill when I take them.  He told me to start taking them daily.  He said the risk/reward tips in favor of me getting sleep outweighs the risk of taking the medication.  He wants me to call him if I need to increase the dosage or up the dose to get the same amount of sleep.

About 7 or 8 years ago I talked to a different family doctor about my sleep issues.  I tried about five different sleeping pills and never did find one that helped consistently.  The one I am trying now is from Costco and cheap.  It is an antihistamine and half of one gives me about 8 hours of sleep.  It feels like a miracle to me that I found something that helps me sleep all night.  It does take about one to two hours to knock me out but I can handle that.  If I only take half of one, I am not hung over the next day.  I’m so grateful I found something that is cheap and works.  It was worth it to go to the doctor to get approval to take the sleeping aide daily.

I stopped at the post office and mailed a package and then came home.  I haven’t done much today.  I thought about going out and painting the deck but it was too windy.

Didn’t do much this afternoon.  I am watching Season Three of New Amsterdam.  I’m almost done with it.  I’ll be sorry when I get to the last episode.

Tomorrow early afternoon I have to take my car in to get the oil changed and the tires rotated.  After that I don’t have anything on my calendar for the rest of the week.  I have an Aunt in Newton that I may go visit one day this week if the good weather holds.  This would be a good week to go see her and give me something to do.

My accountant called today and almost has my taxes done.  I was surprised she called.  I really didn’t expect to hear from her for a month or more.  She answered a question or two I had about how to handle some things.  I was grateful she called and cleared up my concerns.  That takes one more thing off my pending list.

I was hoping the guttering guys would show up today but they didn’t.  Maybe if this warmer weather holds for another couple of days they will make it out.  Once they come I can cross off two more things on my pending list.

I got a text this weekend that kinda threw me off my game.  I was caught by surprise again that I can get drained so quickly.  I realize now that is why yesterday was a hard day.  It took me until today to figure out what had happened.  I’m grateful I followed my therapist’s advice and have handled things the way I did.  I can see the value in it now.

Grateful for permission to use the sleeping aide daily, grateful my accountant called with a solution to an issue pending, and grateful I found the therapist I found.

It has been a very quiet day on the prairie today.  I haven’t spoken to anyone today.  I’ve been tired and a bit cranky today so guess it was a good thing I was in time-out.

I stayed up way too late last night binge watching New Amsterdam on Netflix.  I’ve watched more of it this afternoon.  It has captured my attention and I will be sad when I reach the end of the episodes.

I haven’t done much today except watch my show.  I guess I took a lazy day today.  They are good for the soul – right?

I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning at 9:30.  It is with my family doctor and is just a medication refill check.  I won’t be in his office for very long.  I have a package to mail but other than that I don’t have any errands to run while I am in Emporia.

I am getting the oil changed in my car Tuesday afternoon.  After that appointment I don’t have anything else on my calendar all week.  I may need to find something to do to get me out of the house after a day or two.

I appreciated the warmer temperature today and the fact that the wind didn’t blow hard all day.  It gives me a touch of spring fever though.  There is a chance for a wintery mix later this week so guess I will take a taste of spring when I can find it.

Grateful for a spring like day on the prairie, grateful for a lazy day, and grateful I had a quiet day at home.

Ellexia called me this morning and I went to Emporia to pick her up.  Brought Ellexia out to my house and fixed her blueberry pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs.  She ate a lot for a tiny little thing.

She said she needed a quiet day so she wanted to come up here.  Wonder if she is saying it is boring here?  Ha!

I fixed Tim some Oatmeal Raisin cookies.  Ellexia taste tested them for me.  She gave them a thumbs up.  After I finished baking those cookies Tagen sent Ellexia a text and asked for some No Bake Cookies.  I fixed those for him.

Around four I took Ellexia back to town.  After I dropped her off I went to the grocery store to get some butter.  Then I stopped at Bobby D’s and had an early dinner.  Stopped and got my car washed, filled the car up with gas and came home.

It was nice to have some company today.  Ellexia was quiet today.  It was nice to see her and spend time with her.  She is growing up too fast.

I don’t have plans for tomorrow.  I didn’t eat on plan again today so am hoping that tomorrow will be the day I get back on the wagon.  I should have the day to myself with no distractions and can stay on track.

I have binge watching some TV series.  I watched Yellowstone and got all caught up on that series.  Now I am watching New Amsterdam which is a medical based show.  I’m always sorry to get to the end of the series.  Both series deal with current political issues in a subtle way.

Feeling a bit of calm and peace tonight.  I haven’t felt it for a bit.  Ellexia was right in saying a quiet day is necessary sometimes.  She brought it to me today as a gift which I am very grateful for.

Grateful for a day with Ellexia, grateful for this moment of calm and peace, and grateful for a quiet day tomorrow.

I spent a quiet day on the prairie today.  Got some housecleaning done.  It felt good to get something done.  I found lots of dirt so it was needed.

I fell asleep in my chair again this afternoon.  The sun was shining and I covered up with a warm blanket and next thing I knew a couple hours had past me by and I had taken a long nap.  I will take sleep whenever I can find it.

I called and got an oil change appointment for next week.  I called John Deere and they are going to come get my mower sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Good to get those two things on the calendar.

I didn’t eat on plan today.  Had a moment this afternoon and I ate something off plan, and then I ate something else off plan.  Decided since I was off plan I would eat dinner off plan.  Sometimes I amaze myself when I get off track.  One bad decision leads to another which leads to another.

On the Bright Line Eating Plan they have a form called Permission to be Human.  When I was on BLP the first time I didn’t allow myself to ever get off plan.  I didn’t learn then how to fall off the wagon and then climb right back on the next day and try again.  The intent of the form is to process what happened that caused you to fall off the wagon.  It is usually emotions of some sort that I am attempting to avoid feeling and food is a good distraction.  That happened today.  I took some time this evening to allow the emotion I was stuffing to be heard and felt.  And this too shall pass….  Tomorrow is a new day and I will try to eat on plan.

Ellexia sent me a text this afternoon and wants to come out tomorrow.  I asked her to call me when she was ready to come out and I would go in and get her.  I’ll see if she calls.  Sometimes she finds something better to do than to hang with G-Kay.

Grateful for sleep – even when I find it unexpectedly, grateful some housework got done today, and grateful tomorrow I get an another chance to eat on plan.

This has been a busy day.  I had to be at the dental clinic at the Vo-Tech at 8:00 this morning.  I was sleeping really well when the alarm went off at 6:30.  I laid in bed until 7:00 and almost didn’t make it out of bed.

The student I have cleaning my teeth this year is the best one I have ever had.  I was done by 10:30 and that was a bit delayed as another student screened me to see if I qualify to be her Capstone patient.  I didn’t qualify but she tried.

I stopped and got a few things from Walmart, deposited a check and then came home.  I was cold when I got home so ate lunch and then turned my electric blanket on and laid in my bed to warm up.  I fell asleep and slept for two hours.

A friend invited me over at 4:00 for happy hour.  It was good to visit with some friends for a bit.

At 5:30 I met Michelle and her family at Bruffs for dinner.  It was good to catch up with them.  We don’t get a chance to do that often enough.

I am exhausted tonight.  I hadn’t been around anyone for a couple of days and today I made up for that.  I have a quiet day at home scheduled for tomorrow so will get a chance to recover then.

No plans for the weekend.  Tim wants some oatmeal raisin cookies so if I get to town I will get some raisins and make those.  Otherwise I have lots of empty space planned.

Monday I have an appointment with my family doctor.  It is a normal six-month checkup.  He needs to see me so he can send in refills for my prescriptions.

The carry on bag I ordered for the Vegas trip came in today.  We are taking Spirit airlines and they are very picky about the size of your carry on bag.  It will be big enough so I don’t need to check a bag.  I’ll have to put my purse in the bag though as they don’t allow you to take a carry on bag and a purse.  We are only going for three nights so won’t need to take much with me.

It was good for me to get out and around people today.  Wish I could have spread it out over a couple days.  The more time I spend alone the more I find being around people wears me out faster than it used to.  Hard for me to find the balance between enough time alone and being with people.

It is to be in the mid 50’s by Saturday for a couple days.  I’m looking forward to that.  Hoping the wind isn’t a factor so it will actually feel warm.  I’m looking forward to getting outside and cleaning up the flower beds.

I need to remember and call John Deere and have them come pick up my lawn mower for its annual tune-up and blade sharpening.  I hit so many rocks during the mowing season that the blades need sharpened every year.  John Deere will come pick it up for me and bring it back when it is done being serviced.  I like service like that.

I also need to remember to call and make an appointment to get the oil in my car changed next week.

Something has shifted in me in a good way over the last couple of days.  I’m never quite sure why that happens and don’t always recognize it when it does for a bit.  Sometimes the move towards acceptance is so slow and gradual that I don’t recognize it and sometimes it is a more dramatic, sudden shift.  I’m always grateful how ever it happens.  I’m sure I will have some moments of back sliding but for now I will celebrate reaching the top of the mountain I felt like I was climbing.  There is a valley that can happen at times when things even out and I can breathe a bit easier.

Grateful the kids invited me out to dinner tonight, grateful for the dental student I have this year, and grateful for the shift that has happened in me.

I’m always grateful when February arrives.  It is a short month and I know spring will be here soon.  Even if we get a big snowfall, I know it won’t last long. February always give me hope for Spring!

It has been a good day today.  I made a better choice of what I ate for breakfast this morning.  I was able to make a good choice for lunch too.  My days go better when I eat on plan.  Still not sure what makes me go off plan but am grateful for the days when I can stick to eating the foods that fuel my body in the best way for me.

I am reading the book “Welcoming the Unwelcome” by Pema Chodron.  It has been sitting on my end table by my chair for a couple of months.  For some reason I picked it up last night and started reading it.  Pema is a favorite author of mine.  She has taught me many things that have made it easier for me to navigate life.  Kathy and I went to see her when she was at a retreat in outstate New York years ago.

This book is all about living in the “between” .  Just what I needed!  She tells us that major life events happen, some you can control and some you can’t.  When these events happen you get thrown into the “between” stage where there is no certainty about much of anything.  That is when you have to get real and do life.  Sitting with uncertainty is a huge part of life.  Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a challenge for me.   However, when one can step into accepting the uncertainty and allowing it to be however it shows up for you, life becomes easier.

For us co-dependent types and those that like control and even perfection in life, this “between” stage is a huge challenge.  She reminded me that this part of life can be one of the riches part of life, as it is where we really get to practice real life.  It is easy to be at ease when things are moving along the way we expect them to.  But being able to get comfortable when things are anything but easy, is when real personal growth can occur.  One can continue using their habitual things that bring them comfort and sit in denial about the uncertainly around you, or one can face the uncertainty and allow it to teach you something.  Being in a phase of life where there is nothing familiar and nothing to hold on to can be disorienting and even painful.  Recognizing it for what it is and accepting the grace that comes with it can help a person find their footing.  Thanks Pema!  I needed that reminder today.

Nicole called today.  She and Geoff and getting ready to head to Iceland for a week.  Craig and I went about 8 years ago and loved it.

While I was talking to Nicole, I told her about the trip I was looking at booking through Gate 1.  She got on her computer to look up the trip and noticed that there was a sale going on for that trip.  I switched to my desktop computer and took a look.  The sale didn’t show up on my iPad.  Nicole talked me through the booking process and I am booked and ready to go in September for a 20 day trip to England, Scotland and Ireland.  I saved over $1,300 by booking it today.  So grateful Nicole is an experienced traveler and knows Gate 1 and how to get a discounted trip.

218 days until I leave for London!  I’m excited already.  Ireland and England have been on my bucket list for a long time.  It will give me something to look forward to after my 70th birthday in August.

I’m grateful I didn’t book yesterday when I was looking at the trip.  Waiting until today saved me some money.  I added an extra day at the beginning and at the end of the trip so I could have an extra day in London and an extra day in Dublin.  I don’t adjust quickly to time changes so the extra day at the beginning will give me a private day to help me adjust.  There are a few places not on the agenda of the trip that I wanted to see in both London and Dublin so this will give me a chance to get to those places too.

Never sure how many trips I have left in me.  The flight cost is a big part of the trip so decided I might as well do it up big while I am there and see everything on my dream list this time.

I needed to go to Emporia today to deposit a check but I have to go tomorrow to go to a dental appointment so decided to wait and take the check to town then.  I hate making a trip to Emporia for just one thing.  Staying home today sounded extra good to me for some reason.

It has been nice to have the sun shining today.  It has warmed up to 36 so far today.  Tomorrow we are to be in the mid 40’s and even warmer later in the week.  I think I am getting a case of spring fever and can’t wait for it to warm up enough that I can get outside and start doing some garden cleanup.

Something shifted in me as I read Pema’s book last night and today.  The “between” stage feels more comfortable and doable today.  It helps me when I can name what I am feeling.  That seems to help it pass quicker.  Pema reminded me of how to cope with this time and that what I am feeling is expected and normal.  Somehow knowing that helps.

Grateful for Pema and all the lessons she has taught me over the years, grateful for Nicole’s help in booking my trip and the money she saved me, grateful for the sunshine on the prairie today.

Another quiet, cold winter’s day spent at home.  Can’t think of anything I got done today.  Not too motivated to find something to do.  The days seem to pass whether I get something done or not.

I need to go to Emporia tomorrow to deposit a check I received today.  I don’t think I need any groceries or have any errands that need taken care of so it will be a quick trip to town.

I’ve almost decided to change my trip plans and book a trip through Gate One instead of doing the hike through Ireland, the rail trip through Scotland and then going to England to finish off the trip.  When I priced everything out the cost was adding up to way more than I wanted to spend.  I can do a two week trip through Gate One that goes to all three countries for less than half  of what I had planned.  I am going to look at that trip some more and see if it goes everywhere I want to go.  I noticed I can add some days to the beginning or the end of it and could do some day trips to get to all the places I want to go.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.  Usually I am a quick decision maker but do want to consider all my options before I make a final decision.  It will be cool to cross three countries I have always wanted to go to off my bucket list.

Trying to remember to cut myself some slack.  Some days I think I should be farther along in my recovery than I am.  It has been three months since Jim left the house and only one month since the divorce was final.  Somedays it feels like it has been much longer than that and other days I am surprised that much time has passed.  My Therapist told me it will take me at least a full year before I will be back on solid footing and can hold my light and space with ease.

I’ve never been very good with the between space.  That space between when something starts and something ends.  It usually feels murky and like I can’t get my feet under me.  Or if I do get my feet under me, they don’t hold me up solid and are prone to giving out on me when I least expect it.  And this too shall pass.  I must need practice with the between space.  Allowing what is and not rushing through it takes conscious awareness and patience.  I think I can, I think I can!

Grateful for quiet days at home, grateful to have the time and empty space to allow what it, and grateful that this too shall pass.