Starry night on the prairie

It has been a productive day on the prairie for me and the day isn’t even over.  I have three of the four beds and bedrooms ready for my guests that are arriving Sunday or Monday.  I will get the other one done yet today or tomorrow.

I moved the older 10 chicks into a bigger house today.  They are a week old today and the guy I got them from said to keep them in a smaller container for the first week.  I had never heard that advice before but decided to follow it.  The chicks seem very happy in their larger house this afternoon.  They have quieted down and are peeping occasionally and softly when they do.  When they get loud I know something is amiss.  They have more room to spread out and get away from the heat of the heat lamp if they need to.

I had to set the table for the chicks bigger house up in the dining room.  I used to put them in the laundry room but the cats come in there and I’m afraid the cats would go after the chicks.  I have a leaking water booster pump in the basement room and I didn’t want to track water out of the furnace room with all the trips in and out to check on the chicks.  I called the plumber yesterday and he is ordering me a new water booster pump.

When the newest chicks are a week old next Monday I will add them to the pen the other 10 are in.  I hope to get them all moved from the house to the big chicken coop nursery before the oldest ones are three weeks old.  They start to break out of jail at that age and it gets hard to keep them contained inside.

I got my KS state income tax refund today via direct deposit.  I noticed it wasn’t as large as I expected it to be.  I dug out the tax return and discovered they had only credited me for three of the four estimated payments I had made.  I dug out my bank records to make sure all four had cleared my account.  They had.

I called the state and after holding for a person for 25 minutes I got a very efficient lady.  She discovered that the September payment had been coded as a joint return and it had a hold on it to credit it to a joint return.  This is the payment that I had to call in due to the bank fraud mess.  The lady was able to recode it and I should have the additional return amount by next week.  That was easy – if it goes through as she said it would.

Hoping this is the last wrinkle the bank fraud caused.  I’m ready to put that whole situation to bed.  I’m grateful I was able to problem solve and get it fixed fairly easily.

I invited my two KS brothers, their families and my kids to come for dinner next Tuesday night so they can get a chance to see Kathy’s daughter Joy and her twins.  Not sure who all will be able to come on a school night but that was about the only day we could do it.  I’m not sure when Joy and the twins are flying home.  It will be fun to have a mini family reunion.  I need to decide what to fix.  It will be something simple as that is all I fix these days.

Gotta love KS weather.  Yesterday it was in the mid 60’s and today it is in the mid 40’s.  We have a chance for a wintery mix tomorrow and a chance for snow in another week.  Is it winter or spring on the prairie?  Depends on the day and hour!  The forecast will help determine when I can move the chicks to the big house so hoping for more spring like days than winter.

The rumination I had been doing has stopped.  Going for chicks yesterday seemed to break my habitual pattern enough to disrupt the thoughts I had been having.  Grateful for that!  I finally feel more like myself today and am grateful I have gotten some things done today.  I’m not so tired and cranky today and feel my mood elevator climbing up and over the mid-point of awareness today.

I am amazed at how dusty the house is already.  I had dusted the furniture and cleaned the floors last Saturday for my weekend guests and I am going to have to do it again before Kathy and her family gets here.  I guess having 30 MPH plus wind gusts is enough to drive the dust inside.  I’m sure the cedar shavings I am using for the chicks is adding to the dust in the house too.

Grateful one set of chicks is in a bigger house, grateful the state tax situation was fairly easy to fix, and grateful I am back above neutral on the consciousness ladder.

I went on a hunting adventure today.  Last night I called Tractor Supply in Topeka and was told they had lots of baby chicks.  I got up early this morning and was in Topeka before 8:30.  The store opens at 8:00.  They had one chick left.  They told me they might be getting more this afternoon.

I got on my phone and checked the North Topeka store.  I called them and they didn’t have any.  I checked with the Holton Tractor Supply store and was told they were just then checking in a bunch.  I headed north to Holton.

I was able to get 20 chicks.  10 are Easter Eggers, which are the ones that lay blue or green eggs, and I got 10 Leghorns.  It was a noisy ride home with 20 chicks peeping away.

I got them settled in a tub when I got home.  One of the Easter Eggers wasn’t very active like the others.  I helped it get some water and watched it eat a bit.  About two hours later I checked on the chicks and it was dead.  It doesn’t surprise me to lose one but it is sad when it happens.

I went to Strong City and got a second heat lamp and thermometers to put in each box.  Temperature control is especially important during the first week or so.  Too hot and they get dehydrated and die and too cold they get sick and die.

I checked the forecast and we may get snow mid week next week so will wait until that weather system passes before I put them down in the coop.  I may have to set up a bigger nursery in the house before then.  They grow very quickly the first couple weeks of their life.  My two groups are only five days apart in age so will be able to mix them within a week or two.  The older ones are already about twice as big as the new ones.

The chicks I got today were $5.49 each.  The ones I got last week were $5 each.  Wowsers!  Last time I bought chicks two years ago they were $3 each.  Thinking the price I will charge for eggs will need to rise this year.  Looking forward to July as that is when they should start laying.

While I was in Strong City I went to City Hall and got signed up for auto pay for my water bill.  I am having trouble with mail delivery and didn’t want to miss another water bill and have to pay a late fee.  I prefer auto pay anyways.  Saves me time and money in stamps.  Grateful they do auto pay now.  Last time I checked they only did it with the local bank and I don’t have an account with them.

Feeling more grounded and rested today.  Decided against taking a nap although I think if I had laid down I could have fallen asleep.  Still feeling the effects of the weekend but in a good way today.  Everyone of the women that came had had a major life event happen.  The phase “Be kind, you never know what someone is going through” seems appropriate for all of us.

Kathy will start her trip to KS tomorrow.  Her car is loaded with all the things she is bringing plus the four passengers.  There is a weather system that is hitting part of her planned route so trusting she will find ways to navigate around it.

I haven’t gotten anything done today except for my chicken adventure.  Still don’t have all my energy back from the weekend but by tomorrow I should be back to my new normal.  It has been a quiet afternoon on the prairie and I feel myself calming and quieting down internally.

I follow a page on Facebook called Wild Goose Counseling.  The author of the page teaches how to make boundaries.  The post today talked about the need to identify your own personal needs and then seek out resources to help get those needs met.  I am getting better at that but it took me years to realize I needed to be able to ask for help in getting my needs met and not expect that someone could see what I need without me communicating them.  I had a hard time thinking I deserved to have my needs met.  I’m glad I am finding ways to get my needs met these days and am able to ask for what I need from others.  What a hard lesson that was for me to learn.

Grateful for new chicks on the prairie today, grateful for cell phones that made my chicken adventure successful, and grateful for Wild Goose Counseling and the lessons she is helping me learn.

This has been a recovery day for me.  I slept long and hard last night after taking a full sleep aide.  I usually only take half of one.  I slept the clock around and woke up, had breakfast, and then went back to bed for a nap.

I have done nothing at all today.  The sheets are sitting in a basket waiting to be put on the beds.  They will sit patiently, waiting for me to get to them.  I have until the weekend so no rush.  The beds will get made up when they get made up.

I have been ruminating more today than I have been for a long time.  I’m sure this weekend stirred up some emotions and I am processing the remnants of them.  I now see the value of the recommendation of my therapist who encouraged me to delete all Facebook connections and not to have contact with people who came into the relationship.  Talking about all of it stirred me up and I am finding it hard to let go again.

I will get there.  Giving myself today to regain my balance and physical strength.  I was so very exhausted after the company left and emotionally drained as well.  It was so good to see everyone and catch up but I feel I paid a price for that pleasure.  I would do it again though.  Grateful I know what I need to do to self-care and recover.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie today.  The wind has not been so strong and the sky has been bright blue with no clouds and lots of sunshine.  Just what I needed to lift my spirits.

The chicks are growing hourly.  Their wings are now very visible and they are already starting to change colors.  I found my big chicken nursery thingy and will need to get it set up to move the chicks into within the week.  They are quickly outgrowing the container I have them in now.

I didn’t call Topeka or Wichita to look for chicks today.  I hope to do that tomorrow and if I find some will go get them.  It is going to be cloudy tomorrow but no rain is in the forecast.

I am trying a new breakfast.  I have found myself having cravings lately and have been going off plan way too much.  I have managed to avoid sugar but have been eating way too many things that have flour in them.  For a long time I have been eating Rice Chex with my yogurt and blueberries each morning.  Before I started eating Rice Chex I didn’t have intense food cravings. I know grains do not agree with me and finally figured out that the Rice Chex may be what is causing me to not loose weight when I follow the plan 100%.  I would get discouraged with that and then go off plan.  Today I tried 1 oz of walnuts instead.

As I typed that I remembered I shouldn’t eat walnuts as they can interfere with my thyroid medication.  I will switch to pecans instead.  Grateful I figured that out quickly and before my new thyroid medication didn’t work right.

When I lost all the weight the first time, I didn’t eat any grains at all.  You are allowed one serving of grains for breakfast.  Intuitively I knew that wouldn’t work for me back then.  I love the crunch of Rice Chex on my yogurt but I did OK with nuts today.  I have gotten used to the taste of yogurt and don’t need the Rice Chex to hide the flavor any more. Last time on the plan I ate eggs and bacon every morning.  Can’t switch to that this time as I need to eat yogurt daily to keep the C-Diff away.  I’ll see what happens when I switch to pecans and see if that helps me drop some weight and more importantly stop the intense food cravings.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the phase “good enough”.  When is “good enough” enough?  One can get addicted to the quest to heal oneself.  When does one know when what you have done is good enough?  I don’t have any answers yet but am consciously aware of that question running in the back of my head.  One can miss the pleasures life has to offer if you get fixated on being better.

I read a definition of happiness that said happiness is when you can accept that this moment has everything you want/need without conditions being applied.  If one is always off chasing the next healing adventure or waiting until all the pieces perfectly align, one can miss the happiness that has dropped in your lap.  When is good enough enough?

Grateful for a rest and recovery day, grateful for the beauty of the prairie today, and grateful to be able to sit with the question When is good enough enough and not have to have an answer.

It has been a rest and recovery afternoon on the prairie today.  I had two guests overnight Saturday night, six guests during the afternoon Sunday and four overnight guests Sunday night.  The last one left a little before noon today.

I took a long nap this afternoon.  I’m not used to being around others 24/7 and I was exhausted.  Still a bit tired this afternoon but I will go to bed early this evening and by tomorrow I should be back to normal.

I have done several loads of laundry today.  I have the sheets all washed and need to get them put back on the beds.  My sister is coming with her daughter and two of her children this weekend so will use the beds again then.  Good thing I have all week to rest and recover so I can be good to go when they get here.

We had a fabulous reunion Sunday.  It was so good to see the six women that came and to get to give and receive so many hugs.  We all felt like our souls received much needed nourishment and attention.  We had a sharing circle and each woman updated us on their lives.  We hadn’t been together as a group for over 10 years so we had a lot to catch up on.  Many tears were shared, much laughter was shared, and the room was full of love and light.  I truly feel the world would be a whole different place if each person had a sacred circle of trusted friends they could share their souls with.

I fixed dinner Saturday night, breakfast, lunch and dinner for Sunday and then breakfast on Monday.  Reminded me of my retreat days.  I kept the meals simple and it was easy.  I don’t think I forgot to serve anything but I haven’t fully checked my refrigerator yet.  I’m known to make something and forgetting to serve it.

The baby chickens are growing fast.  They will need to be moved to a larger pen this week.  I will get one set up for them tomorrow.  Don’t have the energy to do it today.  I didn’t call around to see if I could find more chicks today so will try to do that tomorrow.  If I can’t find any, the guy I bought these from is coming back to Emporia March 10 so I will get 20 more then.  The chicks will only be two weeks apart and will be fairly easy to mix flocks in a couple of weeks.

We got some high wind and rain last night.  I slept through most of it.  Two of the women stayed over an extra night as they didn’t want to drive home through the storm.  South of here got the more severe stuff.  I was grateful we missed that.

I may have a newsletter for Pioneer Bluffs to stuff later this week if it gets printed in time.  Kathy will be here Sunday or Monday so I can’t do it the following week.  We will see how this unfolds and if I do it.

I don’t have anything on my schedule this week except for getting the house ready for Kathy and her gang.  Thankfully I had to clean the house for the reunion this weekend so won’t have to do too much more cleaning.

The house is feeling big and empty this evening.  It was nice to have all the bedrooms used last night and a full house.  I appreciate the silence this afternoon and am allowing it to be without turning on the TV or music.

I got rid of a tub full of shawls and blankets I had knitted a long time ago.  It is nice to empty one more tote.  I also gave away several sets of tea towels and a bunch of dish rags.  They don’t do anyone any good sitting in a tote in my storage room.  Good to have them gone.

Sitting with a full heart and tired body this evening.  It is so amazing to be heard, understood and cared for by others.  This journey through life can be hard at times and it sure helps to have others by your side.

Grateful for the love and friendship that was shared this weekend, grateful for the trust and support of my friends, and grateful for the silence on the prairie this evening.

Decided I better blog early today as I have guests coming in a few hours and won’t have time later.  I doubt that I blog tomorrow as I will have guests all day and through the night Sunday.

All 10 chicks are still alive and doing well today.  I was afraid they would be noisy during the night and wake me up but I didn’t hear them.  They have quieted down and only peep occasionally now.  They are already noticeably growing.  Their wing feathers are starting to come in.

I did a bit of cleaning last night and then did some more this morning.  Still have more to do but I think I can always say that.  Struggling to find the motivation to do more than I absolutely have to these days.

It is a beautiful day on the prairie today.  The Tallgrass Prairie Preserve is burning today.  The smoke is hanging in the air and not blowing away very fast. Sure seems early to burn but they do experimental burning patterns there so maybe they are trying something new again.  Won’t be long before my property gets burned.  Love to watch the evening pasture burns.  Dislike the smoke it causes though.

We have a 100% chance of rain tomorrow evening.  Luckily it is to warm up to 60 tomorrow so it will come as rain and not ice or snow.  Snow is a possibility for Thursday next week though.  Go away winter and stay away.  I’m tired of you!

Found a video that had some central nervous system movements one can do to help calm and regulate your central nervous system.  I saved the video and will try doing them a couple times a day.  The more I read about what happened to me the more I understand that my central nervous system got stuck on the fight or flight response.  When that happens, it can take months to get it to calm back down again.  That explains why my body has been so exhausted and I have had trouble finding motivation to do anything.  When the central nervous system takes over, it shuts off the rational, reasoning part of your brain and that is why my normal bag of tricks didn’t work.

I find it fascinating to discover the science behind my reactions.  It is so helpful to discover these things and know it wasn’t a lack of self-control or discipline that has caused me to react the way I have.

I have come a long ways in four months but feel at times that the road in front of me is still long and winding.  Not sure what the finish line will feel like or how I will know when I reach it.  I’m sure it is a gradual thing and one of those things that you know when you know.  It hasn’t even been two month since the divorce was final.  In some ways it feels like it has been much longer and in other ways it feels like it happened last week.

Bluestem is going to have a chick day again March 10.  I will pre-order 20 more chicks to pick up that day.  If I can find some somewhere else that has them in stock before then I will go get them.  I checked with Tractor Supply in Emporia but they only had ducks left and didn’t know when they would get more chicks.  I’ll call around Monday and see if I can find some place in Topeka or Wichita that has some.  I would prefer not to have to have two pens of chicks for the next eight weeks but will if I have too.  It is hard to mix flocks of chicks of different ages.

I made some hamburger soup for tomorrow night’s dinner.  It is in the crock pot in the refrigerator.  I’ll put it in the crock pot tomorrow and presto – dinner will be ready when I am ready for it.  I have green chicken cooking for dinner tonight.  I will roast some veggies later and dinner for tonight will be ready.  Before I go to bed tonight, I will put some steel cut oats in the crock pot and then breakfast will be ready when I get up tomorrow morning.  Easy peasy!

It will be fun to have company for 2 days.  I’m sure I will be wiped out at the end of it as I am so used to being by myself but it will be worth it.  I love each of the women that are coming and it will be so good to catch up with them and see what is happening in their lives.  I’m sure we won’t lack for something to talk about!

I don’t have anything on my calendar for next week other than looking for some baby chicks and taking care of the ones I have.  Kathy will be coming in Sunday, March 5 so will do somethings to get ready for her.  It will be a quiet, recovery week for me.  I want to get the chicken coop cleaned out and get it ready for the chicks to move into.  Hoping for a nice day some time next week to do that.

Grateful the chicks made it through the night, grateful for the rain that is headed to the prairie, and grateful my friends are coming this weekend.

 

Nothing about today as gone as planned.  It was way more fun than I had planned though.

I was in Emporia by 8:30 this morning.  I stopped at the ATM to get cash to buy baby chicks and then went and picked up two grandchildren.  We drove to pick up a girlfriend of one of the grandchildren and then went to Bluestem.  We got there at 9:00.  There was a long line of people waiting to buy chicks.  They started selling them at 9:00.

The kiddos stood in line for me while I went and got feed and needed supplies. I came back and they hadn’t moved yet.  Tagen and his girlfriend went and found a heat lamp and bulb for me.  When he came back the line still hadn’t moved.

It took over 30 minutes to get to the front of the line.  Then I found out that I could only get 10 chicks unless I had pre-ordered.  I didn’t know anything about prep-ordering so could only get 10.  The guy gave me an assortment of breeds, we paid and then headed home.  The guy that sells them will be back in March. He gave me the date and his phone number so I can call on the Tuesday of the week he is coming and I need to pre-order the other 20 I want.  He said demand is very high right now and he is having trouble keeping up with the demand.  He warned me to be patient trying to get him on his phone as he is tied up all day taking pre-orders.

The grandkids helped me get the heat lamp put together and hung.  The chicks are upstairs for now.  By the time they are a week old I will either move them downstairs into a bigger space or put them in the coop outside, depending on the weather.

The chicks have finally settled down and are quietly peeping now.  They sure were noisy when we got home.  We dipped their little beaks in sugar water and they perked up some.  All seem to be eating and drinking OK this late afternoon.  The grandkids had fun picking one out at a time and loving on it.  Hopefully I can keep all of them alive, we shall see.  It is not unusual to lose one or two when they are so little.

I fixed pancakes and scrambled eggs for the kiddos once we got the chicks settled.  After I got the dishwasher loaded after breakfast, I baked a double batch of chocolate chip cookies.  They are Tagen’s favorite, especially hot out of the oven.

By the time I got the cookies baked and the dishwasher unload and loaded again it was time to fix lunch.  I fixed old fashioned macaroni and cheese.  I didn’t have any boxes on hand but had the stuff to make it the old fashioned way.  I fixed some ham sandwiches to go with it and called it lunch.  They all three ate it and went back for seconds so I am calling it a success.  Another load of dished got started in the dishwasher.

The kiddos watched a second movie and then I took them back into Emporia.  They took home left over macaroni and cheese, two ham sandwiches and a bunch of cookies.  We had a fun day and they were very well behaved today.

After I dropped the kiddos off I went to Walmart to pick up my new prescription of thyroid medication.  Last year I paid $87 for a 30 day supply, this year it is $143.  Yikes!  I will now take it seven days a week instead of four or five so will need a refill every month.  May need to get a job soon!  The price is with my prescription insurance.  It would have been over $400 without insurance.

I picked up a few more groceries.  I used a half gallon of milk today with the kiddos here.  They each drank two glasses at breakfast time and then I used the rest of it making the macaroni and cheese.  I forget how fast kids go through milk.  I rarely use a half gallon before it expires.

I haven’t gotten any cleaning done today yet.  I am really tired this afternoon.  I had trouble sleeping last night.  I took a sleep aide but it didn’t seem to work last night.  A high school student passed away yesterday.  I know her dad and I kept thinking of her family all night.  What a tragic situation for all.  It is so cruel to have to bury one of your children.  Tagen and Ellexia both know the family and we talked about it off and on today.  It is hard for adults to process, let alone the kiddos.

Can’t decide if I am going to take a nap and then get up and clean or just call it a day and go to bed very early and get up early tomorrow and clean.  I did get the eggs boiled and the ham salad made today but still have lots of things to prep tomorrow in addition to cleaning the floors and bathrooms upstairs.  We shall see what I do.

As I was driving home from Emporia this afternoon it started raining ice pellets.  My windshield wipers froze up and had trouble keeping the ice off the windshield.  I was surprised it rained.  Grateful for the moisture but we didn’t get much before it stopped.  We are to get more rain over the weekend.  Hoping it warms up and it comes down as rain and not more ice.

It was fun having the grandkids help with the baby chicks.  We had a nice day together.  They pitched in and helped me out.  Tagen carried the heavy sack of chick feed and Ellexia carried the heart lamp.  The girlfriend carried the chicks in for me.  It feels good to have chickens back on the prairie.  I have missed them.  Chicks are a pain in the ass for a while but they grow fast and before I know it I will be back in the egg business.

Grateful for the time with the kiddos today, grateful to have chickens again, and grateful for what moisture we did get today.

I went to Topeka for an Endocrinology appointment this morning.  Luckily a friend rode along with me and it turned into a fun day.

I met with a new Endocrinologist Nurse Practitioner today.  She was great.  She is switching me to a lower dose of the liquid Tirosint and I will take it seven days a week.  Hoping that will help stabilize my TSH levels.  When I took the higher dose it made my TSH go too low.  The pharmacy doesn’t stock it and ordered it for me.  I will start taking it when I get it and then have my TSH levels checked six weeks after I begin taking it.  Trusting this is the solution I have been looking for.

I liked the new nurse.  She got right to the point, listened well, and was willing to try something new.  She has worked with Dr. Brian through the hospital for the last eight years and is excited to be in the clinic full time now.

After my appointment we went to Best Buy so my friend could pick up a few things.  We then went to Nature Grocers so I could get some steel cut oats.  Emporia seemed to be out of them.  We then went to Longhorn for lunch.  I had the most delicious chicken Parmesan with a baked sweet potato.  We came home after lunch.

It made the day so much more fun having a friend along for the ride.  The day flew by and was over too soon.

When we got home I got a call and found out my taxes were ready to be picked up.  I went to Emporia and picked them up and then stopped and got groceries for the weekend.  I’m glad I went to town as I found out that tomorrow is chick day at Bluestem.

I texted Kathy and she has agreed to help me with chicken chores so I will go to town tomorrow and get 30 chicks.  I will keep them downstairs for the first two weeks and then hopefully it will be warm enough I can move them into the chicken coop.  They are much easier to care for in the chicken coop.  They grow fast and my little pen inside won’t hold 30 bigger chicks.

I have missed having chickens but haven’t missed cleaning out the coop.  That project will need to be done before I can move the babies into the coop.  Sure hope the weather cooperates with me and I can get them moved outdoors quickly.

It takes them 18 – 22 weeks before they start laying eggs so I won’t have any eggs until July.  The cost of chicks has almost double since last I bought them two years ago.  They are now $5 or $6 a piece, depending on the quantity you buy and the breed.  I bet food prices for them have risen too.  I will need to increase the cost of my eggs to make up for it.

Got my taxes and got good news.  I get a big refund from both federal and state.  I didn’t owe any taxes this year.  One of the rentals had a big loss and that helps at tax time.  We had withheld based on Jim and I together and without his income I came out way ahead.  The refund will almost pay for my trip in September!  yay!  I have adjusted my social security so less federal tax is going to be withheld this year so I come out even next year.  I hate letting the feds or the state use my money throughout the year when I don’t owe it to them.  Grateful my taxes are done for the year.

Tagen texted me this morning and requested some chocolate peanut butter ritz treats so got the stuff to make those while I was at the grocery store this afternoon.  I will get those made up tonight so I can take them in when I go pick up chicks in the morning.

Tomorrow after I come home from getting chicks I will finish cleaning house.  I waited to do the floors upstairs as the wind has been blowing hard and it blows in dust.  I will need to do a final dusting of all the furniture tomorrow too.

I got a request from Social Security for wage information from an employee we had in 1998.  Yikes!  Those records are gone.  I looked up the record keeping requirements and as far as I can tell you only have to hold on to records for seven years.  Maybe they thought they would get lucky but I don’t have the information to give them anymore.

It has been a great day.  Got several things done, feel encouraged by the doctor appointment, and am excited about having chickens again.

Grateful for a nurse practitioner that listens, grateful for a friend that rode along with me today, and grateful for my tax refund.

Today has been a much better day.  I actually got the basement floors cleaned and the basement is almost ready for the guests I have coming this weekend.  Will need to do some last minute dusting and touch-ups but that won’t take long.

I sure can tell the weather is changing.  The temperature climbed overnight and through he morning but then started dropping.  After a high of 63 today, the high tomorrow will only be 29.  It has already dropped to 30 today.  Yikes!  Another short blast of winter for the plains.

I just realized I never got fully dressed today.  I put on a pair of sweat pants when I got up as I was chilly and forgot to take a shower and get fully dressed later in the morning.  Guess this was a PJ day.

I called the post office this morning to ask about my missing mail.  I didn’t receive my water bill nor my electric bill.  I did get the disconnect notice about the late water bill.  The electric bill gets automatically deducted so it didn’t matter that I didn’t get it.  The postmaster didn’t know what the problem was.  She was going to leave a note for my carrier.

I called the locksmith as I still haven’t gotten a bill for the work he did back in January.  I was afraid he had sent me a bill and I had not gotten it.   The locksmith said he would talk to his wife, as she is his bookkeeper and they would let me know how much the bill was.  He didn’t know if she had sent a bill or not.

Nicole called and we chatted for a bit.  We had an interesting conversation about the state of world affairs.  I have a theory that the world is undergoing a major energy change and the chaos is related to the part of the world that doesn’t want things to change.  There is a part of the world that are holding on as hard as they know how to hold on and resisting any change.  The other part of the world is quietly changing how they live their lives.  This part of the world is dropping out of doing things the way we have always done things, dropping the commercialism, finding ways to simplify and minimize, and doing work on themselves.  Our institutions are all in a state of crisis and are failing at doing what their intent is.  The old way of doing things has to fall apart so the new way can have room to expand and grow.

There is a chart of consciousness that lists the various emotional states humans can find themselves in.  Shame is at the bottom and Bliss and Joy are at the top.  Neutral is the place where you don’t add to the negative energy of the world but you don’t add to the positive energy either.  My theory is if everyone can do their own inner work and be able to maintain themselves at one step above neutral, the world would be a whole different place to live in.

Sometimes we look outside of ourselves for solutions to the world’s problems, where one possible solution is inside each of us.  Doing your shadow work and making peace with yourself and those you interact with can help you get to a neutral level and possibility a step or two above that.

Most days I can hold myself at a neutral level but I have days like yesterday where I fall below.  Some days I can even climb the consciousness ladder and get pretty close to the top.  Some days I fall all the way down to shame.  That is the human condition.  I don’t know of anyone that can maintain the top rungs ALL the time.  Being aware of where I am on the ladder is helpful though and it can provide me the motivation to do my inner work so I can climb up and above neutral.

Tomorrow I am going to Topeka for my appointment with my Endocrinologist nurse.  A friend is riding along and we both have some stops we want to make while we are in Topeka.  We will eat out and then come home.  It will be a cold day to run errands but it is to be sunny and dry.

Friday I will go to Emporia and get some groceries and then come home and finish getting the house clean.  Saturday morning I will spend in the kitchen getting meals prepped for the weekend.  My Saturday guests will be arriving late Saturday afternoon.  It will be fun to have a house full all weekend.

Next week I don’t have anything on my calendar except getting ready for Kathy to return home.  She will be here a week from Sunday.  Her daughter Joy, and Joy’s twins will be riding to KS with Kathy and will be staying for a couple of days.  So looking forward to seeing them and showing Joy and the twins the Flint Hills of KS.

Grateful I got the basement cleaned today, grateful I have a working furnace, and grateful the roads will be dry tomorrow.

 

It has been a weird day for me.  Something has felt off all day.  I took a nap this afternoon in hopes that I would wake up and restart my day.  So far, that didn’t work.

Not sure what is up.  I feel like I slid backwards in my recovery.  I have been ruminating about the past today and can’t seem to stop myself.  It is a bit better now then it was this morning but not sure why I am doing this.  Maybe it is just one of those days.

I haven’t done a thing again today.  May try to force myself to do something this evening.  I do feel better when I get something done but getting started takes a lot of effort.  Just didn’t have it in my tank today to make myself do anything.

I did manage to write a note and send out to the women that are coming this weekend for our reunion.  I found out today I will have two, and possibly three house guests Saturday evening and then two different guests Sunday evening.  I worked on a menu as I will be fixing dinner Saturday evening, three meals on Sunday and then breakfast on Monday.  I like cooking so that will be fun for me.  I made out a grocery list of things to pick up on Friday.  I already got most of the stuff earlier this week so won’t take long to get the additional items.

I did warn the guests coming that I seem to get overwhelmed easily these days with group energy and I might have to excuse myself for a bit and hide in my room for a while.  Kinda like putting myself in time out.  I’m not sure the anxiety happens because I spend so much time alone or if it is just where I am in my recovery journey.  It may not happen but thought I would give them a heads up in case.  That will make it easier for myself to step out for a bit if needed.

A friend sent me a message today.  I almost wrote something that I didn’t really mean in my answer and caught myself and didn’t write it.  I will count that as progress in my codependency healing journey.  Maybe I did get something done today!

The weather was mixed today.  It warmed up but was windy and I can tell there is a weather change coming soon.  It has been cloudy this afternoon and the temperature is starting to drop a bit.  It is to be turn cold Thursday and Friday but warm up again this weekend.  I don’t think we are to get any snow but that may change.  We sure could use the moisture.

Jason called to chat with me this morning.  It was good to have someone to talk to for a bit.  He calls every other week or so just to chat.  I so appreciate him calling and letting me know what is happening in his neck of the woods.

A friend that had a bilateral mastectomy last week called and we chatted for a bit last night.  She sounded much better than I thought she would be.  She is up walking around, stretching lightly and doing what she needs to do to recover quickly.  She is even doing some work at home for her job already.  It is amazing what the human body can do to help itself.  I was grateful she called and let me know how she is doing.

Thursday I have to go to Topeka for a doctor’s appointment.  A friend is going to ride along with me as she needs something from Topeka.  It will be fun to have a day out with a friend.  I have a couple of stops to make in Topeka besides the doctor appointment and she has a stop we will make.  We will enjoy lunch together and running our errands.  The day will be a lot more fun having a friend ride along.

It will be good for me to get out of the house all day Thursday.  I don’t like to get out just to get out and so I stay home most of the time.  I make a good hermit these days.

I’m getting excited thinking about my sister coming back home to live.  She is easy to live with and good company.  We eat on the same food plan (when we stick to eating on plan) and are on a similar healing journey.  She made lots of friends when she lived with me several years ago.  She likes to get out more than I do so maybe she will help me get out more.

Chalking today up to one of those days.  If you don’t have a hard day once in a while you begin to take the easy days for granted.  I’m sure tomorrow will be a better one.

Grateful I caught myself before I sent a message I didn’t mean, grateful the reunion is soon, and grateful my friend is going to Topeka with me.

 

What a beautiful spring-like day on the prairie.  It reached into the low 60’s today and little wind.  I officially have a bad case of spring fever now.

I went to Cottonwood Falls this afternoon for happy hour at a friend’s house.  There were five or six other women there.  I felt a bit more comfortable today but didn’t stay very long.  The anxiety was still in my background but a bit quieter today.

Yesterday I got a notice from the water department that my water is going to shut off February 27 if I don’t get my past due bill paid.  I hadn’t received a bill and forgot to call and ask them how much it was.  I dropped off the payment as I drove through Strong City this afternoon.  Embarrassing to be late but when you don’t get a bill it is hard to pay.  The mail service is not as reliable as it used to be.

I’ve had another day of not doing much.  I read a post on Facebook yesterday that said “When you finally feel safe, you will feel exhausted.  You will want to rest a lot more, sleep more or do absolutely nothing and know that that is ok!  After so long of being in survival mode, your body recognizes that you can now lay down your armour”.  When I read that I knew that described my situation perfectly.  I knew there was a reason for the empty space and that I needed to trust it was what I needed to be doing right now.  This post seemed to confirm that and allow me to step into acceptance of doing nothing right now.

I love when answers to my problems show up when I least expect it.  Facebook taught me what I was doing wrong in my marriage, helped me identify what the root cause was and now helped me understand why I can’t seem to do anything.  It helps me step into acceptance of my situation and give it a name.  I find that so helpful.

No plans for tomorrow and Wednesday.  I hope to get some cleaning done if the mood hits.  I don’t want to leave it all until Friday and Saturday so hoping the mood hits.

It is to reach 70 on Wednesday and then a cold front comes in and the high on Thursday will be 37.  It will be back in the mid 50’s by Saturday.  Maybe these two days will be the last two days of winter for the year.

Feeling the in-between time tonight.  It is easier knowing it is my central nervous system healing and calming and I need to give it as much time as it needs to fully settle down.  Part of me wants to rush this time and part of me knows not to.

Grateful for the spring-like day on the prairie today, grateful to have learned what this in-between time is for, and grateful my water bill got paid and the water didn’t get shut off.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie.  The wind wasn’t a facture today and it reached the low 60’s.  Felt like a taste of spring.  The warm days will only last a day or two and then there is a chance for snow later this week.  Gotta love KS weather.  You never know what you are going to get.

I went to Emporia early afternoon and took Ellexia to Bruff’s for lunch.  The service was really bad.  We waited over 10 minutes for our waitress to show up.  We got our food fairly quickly but it wasn’t what we ordered.  The waitress didn’t say anything when I told her we didn’t get what we ordered.  Five minutes later she brought some of the missing food and put it on our table without saying anything.

The good news is Ellexia and I had a nice time visiting while we were eating.  When we were done she went with me to Walmart so I could get some groceries.  I took her home and then stopped at two other grocery stores to get an item on my list.  I then came home and put things away.

I am still surprised when the grocery store is out of stock of things.  It sure seems to happen frequently these days.  I don’t remember this happening before Covid.  The supply chain must still be in a process of recovering.  I wonder if this is the way it will be from here on out.

I’ve done three loads of laundry today.  Other than that I didn’t get much done today.

It felt good to get out of the house for a bit and have some conversation.  I didn’t have any anxiety talking to just Ellexia.  She is fun and entertaining and keeps me on my toes.

I don’t have anything on my calendar until Thursday when I have to go to a doctor’s appointment.  I will get some more cleaning done over the next three days.  Friday I will need to go get some more groceries for the weekend reunion.  I will need some fresh fruit and bread that I didn’t want to get today.  I still need to bake a few batches of cookies for this coming weekend and the next weekend.  I miss baking cookies so this will be fun for me.

I listened to a healing sound YouTube last night as I was trying to fall asleep.  I’m not sure if it did any good but I feel a bit more clear headed today.  I believe in the power of healing sound so maybe something shifted.

Something has shifted inside me in a good way,  I have felt more calm and groundedness today than I have for a while.  I’ll see how long I can hold on to it. However it hangs along, I am grateful.  My mind is quiet today for the first time in a long time.

Grateful for the time I spent with Ellexia today, grateful for the spring like day, and I am grateful for my quiet mind for however long it lasts.

It ha been a very quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t said a word to anyone today.  The wind has been in a big hurry all day.  My weather station recorded a 48.5 MPH wind gust today.  The wind usually slows down at sunset but not so yet today.  It reached the low 50’s today but with the wind it didn’t feel that warm.

The sound of the wind is wearing me out this evening.  Some days I find it relaxing to hear the wind and other days it gets on my last nerve.  I hate to expend my energy in resistance to the wind and that is a loosing case.

I didn’t do anything today.  I have been binge watching Madam Secretary.  I did get my kitchen cleaned up.  Last night I went to bed without cleaning my kitchen sink.  That is unusual for me.  It felt good to get the dishwasher unloaded and the kitchen sink cleaned.  Not sure why that is a thing for me but it bothers me when the sink is full of dirty dishes.

Woke up in a bit of a funk this morning but was able to pull myself out of it.  Not sure why is showed up but thinking it was some remnants of yesterday.  This afternoon I felt more like myself and not so befuddled.  It is interesting to watch the triggers show up and how they manifest.  This healing journey is not for the faint of heart.

Still working on my grocery list for the weekend.  I remembered I used the last of my eggs and need to get some more.  Still not used to buying and using grocery store eggs.  They just aren’t the same as the ones I picked up fresh from the chicken coop.

Finding myself drifting a bit.  I don’t have much to do and struggle to make myself do what little I need to do somedays.  It doesn’t feel like depression so thinking it is a stage in my recovery.  Lots of empty space right now and hard for me to fully step in to it.  I know I have had a habit in the past of not slowing down enough and allowing what is.  This in-between stage is testing me.  It feels important that I allow myself this empty space and I not rush through it irregardless of how uncomfortable it makes me.  I’m not sure what the outcome of all of this will be but am trusting there will be a rich lesson in all of this for me.

Grateful the kitchen sink is clean tonight, grateful the wind is blowing in some warm weather, and grateful for my recovery and growth.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie.  The temperature reached the mid 40’s and it was bright and sunny all day.  The wind even slowed down and wasn’t a factor.

I went to Cottonwood Falls and had lunch with five friends.  It was nice to have conversation for a bit.  It had been a few days since I had talked to anyone.  After lunch I dropped off the recycling.  It was a good day to drop it off as the trailer was all but empty.

I haven’t done much this afternoon.  I put the pot roast in the crock pot this morning so I had that for dinner.  It was really good and tender.

I don’t have anything on my calendar for the weekend.  I want to bake some cookies for next weekend and then freeze them.  I need to check with the grandkids to see if they need any treats.  I might check and see if the kids want to come out for a meal on Sunday.  I need to interact more with people and they are good ones for me to do so with.

Lunch was interesting for me.  It was hard for me in a way.  I am getting so used to being by myself that I didn’t know what to say.  It was good to listen to the others and hear the things they are doing. I don’t do much these days so didn’t have much to contribute.  I think the group was a bit too big for me to feel comfortable.  I do better these days with only one or two others.

The trauma I have been through lately has all sorts of hidden traps.  Today I found a new one when I met with five other people.  It set off a bit of anxiety in me that I didn’t know I had and hadn’t experienced before.  I’m grateful I recognize the part that the trauma played in this.  Recognizing what is behind my reaction is helpful in understanding it.  Not sure how I change my reaction in the future but knowing that it might happen again might help me if it does.

I’m still binge watching Madam Secretary.  I am close to the end of the second season.  I think there are six seasons so still have lots of shows to watch.  This show gives me a totally different perspective about the world issues our government deals with.  I know it is not based on true events but they are close enough to give me a flavor of reality.

Kathy will be here in two weeks.  I am grateful she is coming.  It will be nice to have someone to talk to daily again.  It will be another adjustment living with someone again but we have done it before so I know what to expect.  I wrote down some preliminary menus to fix while Kathy’s daughter and her twins are here.  It will be fun to cook for others for a few days.

I also am working on the grocery list for the reunion that I am hosting.  I will have guests on two different nights so will need to provide a couple of meals.  The plans are still a bit up in the air but I should know my mid week how many are coming and when.  It will be fun to have a houseful for a night or two.

Grateful for a beautiful day on the prairie, grateful to have recognized a trauma based trigger, and grateful for the guests that are coming soon.

Went to Emporia this morning to drop off a tax form at the accountant’s office.  Grateful she hadn’t finished my taxes as I didn’t realize this form would be coming.  It was for an investment account I had for a couple months in 2022.  I had closed the account and had forgotten about it.  The account’s tax form didn’t have to be out until February 15.  This was the first time I had opened an account like that and didn’t realize the tax consequences for it.  Glad I closed it when I did.

We got very little snow overnight.  It was snowing when I drove into Emporia this morning but it was a very light, dry snow that I didn’t have to use my wipers for.  The sun came out for just a hot minute this afternoon but got covered with clouds quickly.  The wind has been in a hurry this afternoon and we got a few flurries.  Didn’t amount to much moisture.

Tomorrow it is to be clear and warm up to the mid 40’s and reach the 50’s over the weekend.  I like those temperature ranges better than the 20’s and 30’s.  Ready for winter to be over and for spring to arrive.

Got the lab results from my cancer blood tests and they are the same as last time.  It is always a relief to get those results back and know that there is no deductible cancer blood levels.

Went downstairs and did some more cleaning.  The basement is almost ready for guests.  I will wait until the day or two before my guests come to vacuum and do one last dusting.  It feels good to have half of my house cleaned.  I don’t know if it has been extra dusty lately or if it had been a long time since I dusted but the dust was thicker than it normally is when I clean.

I have a pot roast thawing.  I meant to cook it today but forgot.  I will try to remember to put it in the crock pot tomorrow morning.  I’m trying to use up some beef and I do enjoy pot roast.  It will be way too big for me to eat though and I will get tired of it before I can use it all up.  Anyone want to come over for dinner tomorrow night and help me eat on it?

Tomorrow at noon I am meeting some friends at the Grand for lunch.  I enjoy the women that are coming and it will be good for me to get out of the house and have some conversation with others.  When I go to Cottonwood I need to remember to load the car up with recycling and get it dumped.

I didn’t sleep real well last night.  I took a nap late morning and slept for another hour or so.  Finally woke up feeling rested.  It has been a couple days since that happened.

I have stuck to my eating plan so far today.  I do feel better on several levels when that happens.  Trusting I am back on the wagon and can stay there and get some of this extra weight off again.  I sure can put it on faster than I can take it off.

This has been a better day for me than the last two or three were.  This roller coaster I seem to be on is unpredictable and I never know from hour to hour if I am going up or down.  I do my best to allow whatever direction it goes and remind myself to enjoy the ride.  There was a time in my life that I didn’t allow myself to feel my feelings.  They can still catch me off guard at times with the wild swings.  But I have learned if I allow what ever comes up and honor it, I level out pretty quickly, relatively speaking.

Grateful I got the tax form to the accountant before the taxes got finished, grateful the blood cancer test was negative, and grateful I am back on the wagon.

Can’t believe it is the middle of February already.  Not sure how time passes so quickly when some days feel very long.

We are having a bit of winter tonight.  Snow is in the forecast and it won’t be very warm tomorrow.  It is to warm back up again Friday.  Have to say we have had a mild winter this year.

I haven’t done much again today.  I took a long nap this afternoon and have had trouble waking up from it this evening.  I never did get out of my pajamas today.  It was cold outside today and felt like a good day to have a PJ day.

My eating has been horrible the last week or so.  I eat when I am not hungry and I am not eating on plan.  This evening I feel icky.  Maybe this feeling will motivate me to stick to plan tomorrow.  Enough with the junk foods I have been eating.  I had a weak moment at the grocery store last week and brought home some stuff that I normally don’t eat.  Now I remember why I don’t eat it.

During a conversation with a friend today I pulled out the divorce papers to look something up.  I found what I needed and finished the conversation with her.  I then decided I needed to clean out that file as it was thick and full of papers that I no longer needed to keep.  In the papers were a bunch of emails that Jim and I had exchanged with each other when we were having issues.  I read a few of them and then decided I didn’t need to hold on to the energy the papers represented and threw them away.

As I was reading them, I felt detached from them in a new way.  I immediately saw the pattern in them that I had failed to see at the time they were written.  Each one was the same issue, different verse, same response, different verse.  I keep asking myself why it took me so long to see the pattern at the time.  That question will never have an answer!  Grateful I finally saw the pattern and was able to get help identifying what was really going on.

Had a phone conversation with another friend this afternoon.  It is a friend that I hadn’t spoken to for several years.  I am really enjoying getting back in touch with friends and family members that I haven’t talked to for a long time.  I do believe that some people come in to your life for a reason and many do not stay active in your life.  Some were really important to me at some point and I cherish the memories of the times we had together.

Feeling a bit restless and lost this evening.  My tummy is not happy with me and I am not happy with myself that I caused my tummy to be upset.  Trusting I will feel better in the morning and will treat my tummy with more respect tomorrow.

I didn’t get any house cleaning done today.  Maybe tomorrow I will feel up to it.  I still have nine days before company comes so have plenty of time.  I work best when I am on a deadline.

Riding the roller coaster of life.  Up one day, down the next.  I never quite know what the ride will be like from day to day.  Grateful I am allowing myself to feel what ever comes up and sit with it for as long as I need to so I can hear what it needs to tell me.  There is beauty in the depths of emotion that can be hard to find sometimes.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful for friendships I have had over the years, and grateful this cold snap won’t last long.

I drove to Topeka this morning to have an Ultrasound of my throat and four blood tests.  The lady that did the Ultrasound took me back 15 minutes early so I was done by the time of my appointment.  By the time I got home, the doctor had read the test and the results were normal.

I went to a different office and had the blood drawn.  I got the results of two of them this afternoon.  My TSH was 4.7 which is too high but lower than the last two times I had it checked.  The T4 was within normal limits but on the low side of normal but higher than it has been.

The other two blood tests are for the cancer markers.  They send those tests out so the results won’t be back for a few days.

I went to Chipotle for lunch.  They were having staffing issues today.  The food was almost acceptable and the service was slow and poor.  The worse thing is their ice machine was broken yet again so no iced tea.

I stopped at Nature’s Grocer and got some Manuka Honey and then went to McDonald’s for some iced tea.  Drove home after that.  I had forgotten to take a picture of the paint can for the deck so didn’t stop to get that.  I have to go back to Topeka next week so will get it then.  I’m pretty sure I won’t get to paint much this week anyways.

I haven’t gotten much done at home this afternoon.  I need to get back downstairs and do some more cleaning.  I don’t have anything on my calendar the rest of the week so have plenty of time to clean this week.

I just finished watching the first season of Madam Secretary.  I sure couldn’t work in politics.  They have to sell their soul to the devil to make deals.  No wonder they get corrupted and sell out.

We got about an inch of rain today on the prairie.  Sure could have used lots more but grateful for what we got.  This afternoon we had a wind gust of 48.8 MPH.  Grateful the wind has slowed down for a bit.  I love thunderstorms but not the high winds.

Sitting in that in-between space lately but with a calm heart and head.  It doesn’t feel totally comfortable but I have moved to an acceptance of it.  Not knowing what is next is never going to easy for me but stepping into acceptance of it is the first big step.

Grateful for a safe trip to Topeka today, grateful for the rain that fell on the prairie today, and grateful for acceptance of the in-between state.

It has been yet another quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t spoken to anyone all day today.  It warmed up to the low 60’s today.  Felt a bit like Spring on the prairie.

My sister Kathy wrote in her blog today her plans so now I can talk about it too.  She is moving back to KS and is going to live with me.  We are both excited about it.  Kathy came to live with me in January, 2017 when I needed her help.  We spent almost two years living together until she moved to KY and then she moved back to CT.  It will be good to have her back home.

Kathy’s daughter and two of her children are driving to Kansas with Kathy the first week of March and then will fly back to CT.  I’m excited to have Joy and her twins come to KS.  It has been too long since they have been here.  I’m glad Kathy isn’t making that long drive alone.

I had seriously considered selling this house and moving to something smaller but with Kathy coming I will be able to stay here.  I have loved living in this house more than any other house I have ever lived in.  It is way too big for only one person though.  Bigger than two people need to but it eases my conscious a bit.

I got some cleaning downstairs done today.  Didn’t get the whole basement cleaned but got a good start on it.  Found lots of dust and dirt.  I couldn’t remember the last time I had dusted the woodwork on the staircase.  Guess it was way overdue as it was really dusty.

Tomorrow I go to Topeka late morning for my semi-annual throat ultrasound and a blood draw.  I will stop and get lunch before I come home.  I want to stop and get some more deck paint at Home Depot too.  I will have to go back to Topeka to see the Nurse and get the results of the ultrasound and blood test a week from Thursday.  February has turned into a self-care month for me.

I fell asleep in my chair this afternoon.  I slept good last night so not sure why I was tired but I will take sleep whenever it finds me.  I woke up feeling a bit out of it but finally woke up and felt better.  I am watching a few more episodes of Madam Secretary.  This show keeps getting better and better.

Sure hope we get the rain that is in the forecast for the night.  We are really dry and need rain badly.  All the ponds are really low.  Burning season will be here before we know it and we need some moisture to lessen the risk.

Grateful Kathy is coming home, grateful some cleaning got done, and grateful for extra sleep today.

It has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I woke up earlier than I have been and couldn’t go back to sleep so I was up, showered and dressed by 7:00 this morning.  I did two loads of laundry but not sure anything else has gotten accomplished today.

I turned the Super Bowl on just a bit ago so will watch that this evening.  Tim and Michelle invited me to come in and watch it with them but am struggling to go to town today.  Think I will stay home and listen to it here.  Just can’t people today.  I did so appreciate the invitation though.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow.  It will be another quiet day on the prairie.  Project Clean House will commence.  I would like to get the three bedrooms and two bathrooms downstairs cleaned tomorrow.  We will see how far I get.

My newest binge watching is Madam Secretary.  I haven’t finished the first season yet.  It is one of those series that I can watch two or three and then have to take a break.  So far it hasn’t had a story line that I have to watch the next show so I can know what happens.  It does give one an appreciation for the types of give and take that our government uses through out the world.  Wish things were as easy to solve as they appear on the show.

I did remember to water the plants downstairs today.  I don’t think they got watered last week.  They didn’t look bad today so maybe they will forgive me and continue to grow.  They are some that belonged to Jim and he didn’t take them.  They are spider plants which are fairly easy to grow.  They are sending out new spiders so thinking they are doing OK.

I rarely watch live TV.  I am sitting here totally confused as I watch the commercials advertising things that I have never heard of before.  I am playing a game with myself tonight as I watch the Super Bowl and tracking how many commercials I can guess correctly what they are advertising.  So far, I am not doing very well.  I am out of the loop of being hip and cool and current.  Guess my age is showing tonight!

Grateful for a quiet day on the prairie, grateful I remembered to water my plants, and grateful I don’t have to be current and hip.

Five years ago today I started eating the Bright Line way.  It isn’t a diet as much as a way of eating for life.  The principles of the program are you don’t break four lines – 1.  No flour. 2.  No sugar. 3.  Three meals a day with no snacking. 4. Weigh and measure your food.

Most days I follow the program.  I have had very little sugar for the last five years.  No cookies, no cake, no pie, no artificial sugar.  I have eaten some Manuka Honey when I had tummy problems but other than that no other high sugar foods.  I do eat fruit but the sugar in fruit is natural and I eat real fruit, not dehydrated.  On vacation this year I ate a salad that I didn’t know had sugar in it.  I got an instant headache that lasted several hours.  I think my body has forgotten how to process sugar and it certainly didn’t like it.

I have eaten more flour than I should lately.  I have realized my tummy doesn’t process flour well and when I do eat it I pay a price for it.  I also do not eat fake or products that contain other types of flour.  Flour acts as a trigger for me.  When I eat flour I start to crave more food and sweets.  If I can stay away from flour, I have no cravings.

Most days I don’t snack.  I break that line occasionally but when I snack it is usually some fruit or veggies.  Snacking leads to over eating though and craving.

I eat mainly one ingredient foods, i.e. chicken, blueberries, yogurt, green beans, carrots, hamburger, steak, etc.  I mainly avoid processed foods when I can and rarely eat away from home.

When I started the program in 2018 I lost 52 pounds over seven months.  I have since gained back 15 pounds.  It is hard to get back on the wagon and stay there long enough to take the 15 pounds back off.  I can stay on for a bit but then something comes up and before I know it I am back to eating foods that I should not be.  I really do feel better when I stick with the program.  Wish I could remember that every day!

With all my emotional turmoil over the last six months I have fallen back into my old habit of emotionally eating.  My weight has not been my top priority lately as I needed to calm my center nervous system first.  Recovery has taken most of my focus and is my top priority right now.  The weight will come back off when I can make it a top priority and am farther down the road in my recovery.

Today has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I did go to Emporia this morning to pick up some groceries.  I ended up with a full cart full as I needed to buy cat food, dog food and a 20 pound bag of ice along with the other things I needed.

I am organizing a reunion for a group that I used to be in.  I sent a letter out to invite the group for a gathering.  After I sent it I realized I did the co-dependency thing without thinking.  Luckily, everything worked out the way I needed it to and I didn’t have to back out of hosting the gathering.  I will consider it progress that I realized what I did and was going to take preventive action to fix it.  I am going to have to slow down next time, pause, and ask myself if what I am saying is really what I want to say.  Catching myself and taking a different action is going to take conscious effort on my part.

Tomorrow I plan to watch the Super Bowl but other than that have nothing planned.  Monday is wide open and then Tuesday I go to Topeka for an ultrasound and blood draw.  The rest of the week is wide open.  If the weather holds, I will find another friend or relative to go visit.  I am enjoying these visits.

In two weeks I have some friends coming to spend the night.  I will need to start cleaning house next week.  I have needed some motivation to clean house and this will give me that.  I may have three or four friends spending the night so will need all the extra bedrooms.  Project Clean House is about to commence.

Sitting with what is becoming a familiar feeling of restlessness.  This in -between stage is exhausting and overwhelming.  I can refill my inside bucket with light but can’t seem to hold on to it.  I get drained very quickly and then I become cranky and irritable.  At least I can now recognize the feeling and can be on watch for the irritability so I don’t dump it on someone that doesn’t deserve it.  For a while today though, I tried to eat my feelings and that never works.  Then a cycle starts of shame and guilt and that makes me go even farther down the rabbit hole.  Grateful I figured out what was going on today and why I was feeling the way I was and why I was eating like I was.  Self work takes a level of consciousness that I struggle to maintain sometimes.  And this too shall pass.

Grateful the reunion is going to happen, grateful I realized what I did, and grateful the fall out from today has leveled off.

I slept a ridiculous amount of hours last night.  I was in bed a little after 5:00 last evening.  I got up at 11:00pm, took a bath and went back to bed and slept all night.  Wow!  I’m a bit tired this afternoon.  The more I sleep, the more sleep I want.

I went over to Newton today.  My first stop was to see a friend, I am ashamed to say, I hadn’t seen for seven years.  Life got in the way and we hadn’t taken the time to connect.  She had a busy afternoon so was only able to spend 30 minutes with me, but it was fabulous to visit with her.

I then went to The Breadbasket for lunch.  It was delicious.  They had some very tempting pies but I was able to remember that is no longer my food and I passed on eating dessert. The sandwich I had was delicious.

The main reason I went to Newton was to see my Aunt.  She was my father’s sister-in-law and although she and her husband divorced years ago, I still consider her my aunt.  She is now 83 and living in a nursing home.  She had me confused off and on with my mother.  We would talk for a bit and she knew who I was, and then when I least expected it, I was my mother to her.  No matter, it was still great to see her and have a visit with her.

One of the things I am working on doing for myself is forcing myself to get out and reconnect with people I love.  It is easy for me to cut myself off and stay home all the time and I know on some level that isn’t healthy for me.  I am committed to visiting a family member or a dear friend at least once a month this year.  In January I spent an afternoon with my Aunt Marylyn and today I visited my Aunt Jeanie.  I have lots of relatives and dear friends on my list for the rest of the year.  I think I get more out of the times I spend with them than they do.

The drive over to Newton was lovely today.  It was a bit cold (low 40’s) but the sun was shining and the prairie was winter lovely.  Traffic was light and the drive was easy.  I was restless this morning and needed to get out of the house.  Grateful to have gone and get in two good visits with one drive.

I was going to go to Emporia this morning to get a few things but decided to go to Newton instead.  I’ll go into Emporia tomorrow.  What I needed can wait until then.  I may make the kiddos some treats and take them when I go to town.  I might even be able to talk Ellexia into coming home with me for a bit.

I will watch the Super Bowl Sunday evening but other than that, nothing planned for the weekend.  Tuesday I have to go to Topeka late morning for an ultrasound and some blood work.  I will find a good place to have lunch while I am in Topeka and treat myself.  I want to stop and get some more deck paint so I am ready to go when the weather breaks and I can start my deck project.

I was hoping I would have heard from my accountant about my taxes this week but she didn’t call.  When she called Monday she said she had them done but they had to go through their office review process and then they would call me.  I know they have some business stuff that has a deadline soon so they must have gotten stuck doing that first.  No real rush other than I like to cross things off my pending list.  I still need the guttering guy to come fix the broken guttering too.  Both will happen in time, I guess.

Aunt Jeanie stirred up some old memories for me.  It is fascinating to hear things from her perspective.  She told me things about my uncles and grandparents that I didn’t know.  I love finding out new things about my family.  It helps me understand the dynamics of it in a new way.  I know memories are not always the most reliable facts of the past but it does give you a different perspective and view.

Grateful for visits with my friend and Aunt, grateful for a beautiful drive, and grateful for sleep.

I stayed up way too late last night watching the last episodes of New Amsterdam.  I didn’t realize I have so many to watch or I would have given up earlier in the evening.  The plot got so good I didn’t want to wait to find out what happened next.  Now to wait until Season 5 is released.

I didn’t take a sleeping aide last night and had trouble sleeping.  I only got about three hours of sleep.  I laid down to rest this afternoon but couldn’t go to sleep.  Thinking it will be a very early bedtime tonight with a sleeping aide.

I haven’t gotten much done again today.  Can’t think of much that needs done.  Did get two loads of laundry washed, folded and put away.  Guess I will count that as a day’s work.

I started looking for baby chicks to mail order.  Having trouble finding the breeds I want.  I want to reserve some for March but haven’t found what I am looking for yet.  Evidently the demand for chicks is very high right now due to the high price of eggs.  May have to wait until the chick guy comes to Bluestem and get mine there.  I’ll have to call and find out when he is coming.

We got less than an inch of rain on the prairie last night.  Missed out on the sleet and snow that others around us got.  The wind was in a big hurry during the night and again this afternoon.  It only got to the mid 40’s today and is not going to get that warm tomorrow.  I kinda like the mid 50’s and higher better.

Tomorrow I need to go to Emporia to get some groceries and to get out of the house.  I have been very restless today but didn’t feel like getting out.  I think today I am tired more than anything and when I get overly tired I get restless.  Hoping after a good night’s sleep tonight tomorrow will be easier for me.

It has been over three months now since Jim left.  I am starting to find a new rhythm to my life and adjusting to living alone again.  Somedays it feels like he just left and other days it feels like he has been gone for a year.  I finally am starting to feel like myself and to begin to trust my reality and self.  Still have a ways to go to be able to hold my grounding and light but I feel progress has been made.  It is going to take me a while longer to be able to trust others again.

I’m grateful I can find moments of peace and calm for myself.  I can’t hold on to that feeling but I am remembering what it is and can touch it again.  It had been a while since I have been able to do that.

Healing myself has taken more energy and effort than I imagined it would.  I am grateful that I have had this empty space to give to myself to accomplish what healing has happened.  I am starting to feel the urge to rejoin the world a bit more but still not sure the best way to go about making that happen.  Too much, too soon makes me lose my grounding and light.  Finding the right balance is a bit of a challenge right now.

Grateful for what moisture the prairie did receive overnight, grateful for the empty space I am living in right now, and grateful for the progress I am making in my healing journey.

 

It has been a very quiet day on the prairie.  The rain, if you can call it that, just started an hour or so ago.  It is more of a light drizzle than rain.  Have my fingers crossed that it will turn into real rain soon.  We so need moisture on the prairie.

I slept long and hard last night.  Starting to wonder if there is an accumulative effect of the sleeping aide.  I’m a bit concerned about my heart rate at night as the alarm on my smart watch goes off several times a night to alert me to the fact that my heart rate drops below 45 and stays there for 10 minutes.  Last night I got 10 such alerts.  The lowest was 40.  I’ll send a message to my doctor’s office tomorrow if I remember to do so and ask him for his recommendation.  I will be sad if he recommends I quit taking them.

For the first time in several weeks I have stayed on my eating plan today.  That feels like a win for the day.

Did some financial planning today.  Once a year or so I look at my spending and see if I am making the right choices.  I have the big trip coming up in September and needed to make sure it wouldn’t throw me off plan.  I will get a big tax refund this year that will offset much of the trip.  That is a good thing!  Money is still a trigger for me and can cause me to doubt myself.  It was good to review my spending for last year and know that from a pure factual perspective I am doing OK.  My fears can cloud the truth sometimes.

It is funny how my triggers seem to find a way to raise their ugly heads at times when I least expect them.  It has helped that over the years of my internal healing I have learned most of them and can recognize them for what they are.  I also know that your triggers never really go away, they present again and again on a higher level on the spiral of life.

Grateful for the moisture that is falling on the prairie today, grateful for the life lessons I have learned on my healing journey, and grateful I stayed on my eating plan today.

I stayed up way too late last night watching New Amsterdam.  I took one of my sleeping aides and slept in this morning.  I have felt a bit hungover today and have had trouble getting going.

Took my car to Cottonwood Falls to get the oil changed and the tires rotated.  It took a little over an hour.  They always wash the car when they are done.  BJ took some extra time with the wash and got all the mud from the tire wheels washed off.  I had it washed at the car wash in Emporia earlier this week and this car wash got the rest of the winter muck off of it.

I stopped at the Mexican restaurant in Strong City for lunch after the car was done.  I had chicken fajitas.  They did a nice job with them today.  As usual when I eat there, I came home feeling stuffed.

I’m watching Season Four of New Amsterdam this afternoon.  Thinking it will go most of the evening.  I was sorry to read today that the series was cancelled after Season Five.  They are playing Season Five live now so not sure when it will get released so I can binge watch it.  I’ll have to find another series to watch after I finish this one.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the fact that I don’t have anything on my calendar until next Tuesday.  Not sure what I want to fill my time with so will need to sit with the uncertainty of having seven days of empty space.  I do well with three and up to four days of empty space but get restless after that.

Next Tuesday I have to go to Topeka for my semi-annual neck ultrasound and a cancer blood test.  The following week I go back to Topeka to meet with the Endocrinologist Nurse for a follow-up visit.  February seems to be my health care month.  I will repeat all these appointments in August.

I enjoyed the sunshine today.  It wasn’t as warm as yesterday but the wind wasn’t so high.  Last night there was a 45 MPH wind gust.  Grateful the wind slowed down a bit today.

I am getting a bad case of spring fever.  I am wanting to get outside and start painting the deck.  I need a project and that will give me a big one.  When I am in Topeka next Tuesday I will need to stop and get more paint so I will be ready to go when the weather breaks in my favor.  Might need to have a painting weekend and invite others to come help.  It is a big project and many hands will make the project go faster.

Grateful the car has been taken care of, grateful for the beautiful day, and grateful spring will be here soon.

It has been a beautiful day on the prairie today but the wind has been up to 35 MPH today.  Seems like when it warms up the wind shows up.  Gotta love the wind in KS or you can go crazy.

I had my doctor’s appointment at 9:30 this morning.  They were running on time and they took me back shortly after I got checked in.  The doctor showed up shortly after the nurse took my information.  I was in and out in 20 minutes.  The doctor called in my refills on my prescriptions and we were done.

I took in the sleeping aide I have been using and asked the doctor if it was safe for me to take.  So many medications interfere with my thyroid medication and cause my levels to raise and I wanted to make sure it was safe for me to take.  He looked some things up and then told me it was safe to take.  I asked him if it was addictive and he said no.  I only take half of a pill when I take them.  He told me to start taking them daily.  He said the risk/reward tips in favor of me getting sleep outweighs the risk of taking the medication.  He wants me to call him if I need to increase the dosage or up the dose to get the same amount of sleep.

About 7 or 8 years ago I talked to a different family doctor about my sleep issues.  I tried about five different sleeping pills and never did find one that helped consistently.  The one I am trying now is from Costco and cheap.  It is an antihistamine and half of one gives me about 8 hours of sleep.  It feels like a miracle to me that I found something that helps me sleep all night.  It does take about one to two hours to knock me out but I can handle that.  If I only take half of one, I am not hung over the next day.  I’m so grateful I found something that is cheap and works.  It was worth it to go to the doctor to get approval to take the sleeping aide daily.

I stopped at the post office and mailed a package and then came home.  I haven’t done much today.  I thought about going out and painting the deck but it was too windy.

Didn’t do much this afternoon.  I am watching Season Three of New Amsterdam.  I’m almost done with it.  I’ll be sorry when I get to the last episode.

Tomorrow early afternoon I have to take my car in to get the oil changed and the tires rotated.  After that I don’t have anything on my calendar for the rest of the week.  I have an Aunt in Newton that I may go visit one day this week if the good weather holds.  This would be a good week to go see her and give me something to do.

My accountant called today and almost has my taxes done.  I was surprised she called.  I really didn’t expect to hear from her for a month or more.  She answered a question or two I had about how to handle some things.  I was grateful she called and cleared up my concerns.  That takes one more thing off my pending list.

I was hoping the guttering guys would show up today but they didn’t.  Maybe if this warmer weather holds for another couple of days they will make it out.  Once they come I can cross off two more things on my pending list.

I got a text this weekend that kinda threw me off my game.  I was caught by surprise again that I can get drained so quickly.  I realize now that is why yesterday was a hard day.  It took me until today to figure out what had happened.  I’m grateful I followed my therapist’s advice and have handled things the way I did.  I can see the value in it now.

Grateful for permission to use the sleeping aide daily, grateful my accountant called with a solution to an issue pending, and grateful I found the therapist I found.

It has been a very quiet day on the prairie today.  I haven’t spoken to anyone today.  I’ve been tired and a bit cranky today so guess it was a good thing I was in time-out.

I stayed up way too late last night binge watching New Amsterdam on Netflix.  I’ve watched more of it this afternoon.  It has captured my attention and I will be sad when I reach the end of the episodes.

I haven’t done much today except watch my show.  I guess I took a lazy day today.  They are good for the soul – right?

I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning at 9:30.  It is with my family doctor and is just a medication refill check.  I won’t be in his office for very long.  I have a package to mail but other than that I don’t have any errands to run while I am in Emporia.

I am getting the oil changed in my car Tuesday afternoon.  After that appointment I don’t have anything else on my calendar all week.  I may need to find something to do to get me out of the house after a day or two.

I appreciated the warmer temperature today and the fact that the wind didn’t blow hard all day.  It gives me a touch of spring fever though.  There is a chance for a wintery mix later this week so guess I will take a taste of spring when I can find it.

Grateful for a spring like day on the prairie, grateful for a lazy day, and grateful I had a quiet day at home.

Ellexia called me this morning and I went to Emporia to pick her up.  Brought Ellexia out to my house and fixed her blueberry pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs.  She ate a lot for a tiny little thing.

She said she needed a quiet day so she wanted to come up here.  Wonder if she is saying it is boring here?  Ha!

I fixed Tim some Oatmeal Raisin cookies.  Ellexia taste tested them for me.  She gave them a thumbs up.  After I finished baking those cookies Tagen sent Ellexia a text and asked for some No Bake Cookies.  I fixed those for him.

Around four I took Ellexia back to town.  After I dropped her off I went to the grocery store to get some butter.  Then I stopped at Bobby D’s and had an early dinner.  Stopped and got my car washed, filled the car up with gas and came home.

It was nice to have some company today.  Ellexia was quiet today.  It was nice to see her and spend time with her.  She is growing up too fast.

I don’t have plans for tomorrow.  I didn’t eat on plan again today so am hoping that tomorrow will be the day I get back on the wagon.  I should have the day to myself with no distractions and can stay on track.

I have binge watching some TV series.  I watched Yellowstone and got all caught up on that series.  Now I am watching New Amsterdam which is a medical based show.  I’m always sorry to get to the end of the series.  Both series deal with current political issues in a subtle way.

Feeling a bit of calm and peace tonight.  I haven’t felt it for a bit.  Ellexia was right in saying a quiet day is necessary sometimes.  She brought it to me today as a gift which I am very grateful for.

Grateful for a day with Ellexia, grateful for this moment of calm and peace, and grateful for a quiet day tomorrow.

I spent a quiet day on the prairie today.  Got some housecleaning done.  It felt good to get something done.  I found lots of dirt so it was needed.

I fell asleep in my chair again this afternoon.  The sun was shining and I covered up with a warm blanket and next thing I knew a couple hours had past me by and I had taken a long nap.  I will take sleep whenever I can find it.

I called and got an oil change appointment for next week.  I called John Deere and they are going to come get my mower sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Good to get those two things on the calendar.

I didn’t eat on plan today.  Had a moment this afternoon and I ate something off plan, and then I ate something else off plan.  Decided since I was off plan I would eat dinner off plan.  Sometimes I amaze myself when I get off track.  One bad decision leads to another which leads to another.

On the Bright Line Eating Plan they have a form called Permission to be Human.  When I was on BLP the first time I didn’t allow myself to ever get off plan.  I didn’t learn then how to fall off the wagon and then climb right back on the next day and try again.  The intent of the form is to process what happened that caused you to fall off the wagon.  It is usually emotions of some sort that I am attempting to avoid feeling and food is a good distraction.  That happened today.  I took some time this evening to allow the emotion I was stuffing to be heard and felt.  And this too shall pass….  Tomorrow is a new day and I will try to eat on plan.

Ellexia sent me a text this afternoon and wants to come out tomorrow.  I asked her to call me when she was ready to come out and I would go in and get her.  I’ll see if she calls.  Sometimes she finds something better to do than to hang with G-Kay.

Grateful for sleep – even when I find it unexpectedly, grateful some housework got done today, and grateful tomorrow I get an another chance to eat on plan.

This has been a busy day.  I had to be at the dental clinic at the Vo-Tech at 8:00 this morning.  I was sleeping really well when the alarm went off at 6:30.  I laid in bed until 7:00 and almost didn’t make it out of bed.

The student I have cleaning my teeth this year is the best one I have ever had.  I was done by 10:30 and that was a bit delayed as another student screened me to see if I qualify to be her Capstone patient.  I didn’t qualify but she tried.

I stopped and got a few things from Walmart, deposited a check and then came home.  I was cold when I got home so ate lunch and then turned my electric blanket on and laid in my bed to warm up.  I fell asleep and slept for two hours.

A friend invited me over at 4:00 for happy hour.  It was good to visit with some friends for a bit.

At 5:30 I met Michelle and her family at Bruffs for dinner.  It was good to catch up with them.  We don’t get a chance to do that often enough.

I am exhausted tonight.  I hadn’t been around anyone for a couple of days and today I made up for that.  I have a quiet day at home scheduled for tomorrow so will get a chance to recover then.

No plans for the weekend.  Tim wants some oatmeal raisin cookies so if I get to town I will get some raisins and make those.  Otherwise I have lots of empty space planned.

Monday I have an appointment with my family doctor.  It is a normal six-month checkup.  He needs to see me so he can send in refills for my prescriptions.

The carry on bag I ordered for the Vegas trip came in today.  We are taking Spirit airlines and they are very picky about the size of your carry on bag.  It will be big enough so I don’t need to check a bag.  I’ll have to put my purse in the bag though as they don’t allow you to take a carry on bag and a purse.  We are only going for three nights so won’t need to take much with me.

It was good for me to get out and around people today.  Wish I could have spread it out over a couple days.  The more time I spend alone the more I find being around people wears me out faster than it used to.  Hard for me to find the balance between enough time alone and being with people.

It is to be in the mid 50’s by Saturday for a couple days.  I’m looking forward to that.  Hoping the wind isn’t a factor so it will actually feel warm.  I’m looking forward to getting outside and cleaning up the flower beds.

I need to remember and call John Deere and have them come pick up my lawn mower for its annual tune-up and blade sharpening.  I hit so many rocks during the mowing season that the blades need sharpened every year.  John Deere will come pick it up for me and bring it back when it is done being serviced.  I like service like that.

I also need to remember to call and make an appointment to get the oil in my car changed next week.

Something has shifted in me in a good way over the last couple of days.  I’m never quite sure why that happens and don’t always recognize it when it does for a bit.  Sometimes the move towards acceptance is so slow and gradual that I don’t recognize it and sometimes it is a more dramatic, sudden shift.  I’m always grateful how ever it happens.  I’m sure I will have some moments of back sliding but for now I will celebrate reaching the top of the mountain I felt like I was climbing.  There is a valley that can happen at times when things even out and I can breathe a bit easier.

Grateful the kids invited me out to dinner tonight, grateful for the dental student I have this year, and grateful for the shift that has happened in me.

I’m always grateful when February arrives.  It is a short month and I know spring will be here soon.  Even if we get a big snowfall, I know it won’t last long. February always give me hope for Spring!

It has been a good day today.  I made a better choice of what I ate for breakfast this morning.  I was able to make a good choice for lunch too.  My days go better when I eat on plan.  Still not sure what makes me go off plan but am grateful for the days when I can stick to eating the foods that fuel my body in the best way for me.

I am reading the book “Welcoming the Unwelcome” by Pema Chodron.  It has been sitting on my end table by my chair for a couple of months.  For some reason I picked it up last night and started reading it.  Pema is a favorite author of mine.  She has taught me many things that have made it easier for me to navigate life.  Kathy and I went to see her when she was at a retreat in outstate New York years ago.

This book is all about living in the “between” .  Just what I needed!  She tells us that major life events happen, some you can control and some you can’t.  When these events happen you get thrown into the “between” stage where there is no certainty about much of anything.  That is when you have to get real and do life.  Sitting with uncertainty is a huge part of life.  Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is a challenge for me.   However, when one can step into accepting the uncertainty and allowing it to be however it shows up for you, life becomes easier.

For us co-dependent types and those that like control and even perfection in life, this “between” stage is a huge challenge.  She reminded me that this part of life can be one of the riches part of life, as it is where we really get to practice real life.  It is easy to be at ease when things are moving along the way we expect them to.  But being able to get comfortable when things are anything but easy, is when real personal growth can occur.  One can continue using their habitual things that bring them comfort and sit in denial about the uncertainly around you, or one can face the uncertainty and allow it to teach you something.  Being in a phase of life where there is nothing familiar and nothing to hold on to can be disorienting and even painful.  Recognizing it for what it is and accepting the grace that comes with it can help a person find their footing.  Thanks Pema!  I needed that reminder today.

Nicole called today.  She and Geoff and getting ready to head to Iceland for a week.  Craig and I went about 8 years ago and loved it.

While I was talking to Nicole, I told her about the trip I was looking at booking through Gate 1.  She got on her computer to look up the trip and noticed that there was a sale going on for that trip.  I switched to my desktop computer and took a look.  The sale didn’t show up on my iPad.  Nicole talked me through the booking process and I am booked and ready to go in September for a 20 day trip to England, Scotland and Ireland.  I saved over $1,300 by booking it today.  So grateful Nicole is an experienced traveler and knows Gate 1 and how to get a discounted trip.

218 days until I leave for London!  I’m excited already.  Ireland and England have been on my bucket list for a long time.  It will give me something to look forward to after my 70th birthday in August.

I’m grateful I didn’t book yesterday when I was looking at the trip.  Waiting until today saved me some money.  I added an extra day at the beginning and at the end of the trip so I could have an extra day in London and an extra day in Dublin.  I don’t adjust quickly to time changes so the extra day at the beginning will give me a private day to help me adjust.  There are a few places not on the agenda of the trip that I wanted to see in both London and Dublin so this will give me a chance to get to those places too.

Never sure how many trips I have left in me.  The flight cost is a big part of the trip so decided I might as well do it up big while I am there and see everything on my dream list this time.

I needed to go to Emporia today to deposit a check but I have to go tomorrow to go to a dental appointment so decided to wait and take the check to town then.  I hate making a trip to Emporia for just one thing.  Staying home today sounded extra good to me for some reason.

It has been nice to have the sun shining today.  It has warmed up to 36 so far today.  Tomorrow we are to be in the mid 40’s and even warmer later in the week.  I think I am getting a case of spring fever and can’t wait for it to warm up enough that I can get outside and start doing some garden cleanup.

Something shifted in me as I read Pema’s book last night and today.  The “between” stage feels more comfortable and doable today.  It helps me when I can name what I am feeling.  That seems to help it pass quicker.  Pema reminded me of how to cope with this time and that what I am feeling is expected and normal.  Somehow knowing that helps.

Grateful for Pema and all the lessons she has taught me over the years, grateful for Nicole’s help in booking my trip and the money she saved me, grateful for the sunshine on the prairie today.

Another quiet, cold winter’s day spent at home.  Can’t think of anything I got done today.  Not too motivated to find something to do.  The days seem to pass whether I get something done or not.

I need to go to Emporia tomorrow to deposit a check I received today.  I don’t think I need any groceries or have any errands that need taken care of so it will be a quick trip to town.

I’ve almost decided to change my trip plans and book a trip through Gate One instead of doing the hike through Ireland, the rail trip through Scotland and then going to England to finish off the trip.  When I priced everything out the cost was adding up to way more than I wanted to spend.  I can do a two week trip through Gate One that goes to all three countries for less than half  of what I had planned.  I am going to look at that trip some more and see if it goes everywhere I want to go.  I noticed I can add some days to the beginning or the end of it and could do some day trips to get to all the places I want to go.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.  Usually I am a quick decision maker but do want to consider all my options before I make a final decision.  It will be cool to cross three countries I have always wanted to go to off my bucket list.

Trying to remember to cut myself some slack.  Some days I think I should be farther along in my recovery than I am.  It has been three months since Jim left the house and only one month since the divorce was final.  Somedays it feels like it has been much longer than that and other days I am surprised that much time has passed.  My Therapist told me it will take me at least a full year before I will be back on solid footing and can hold my light and space with ease.

I’ve never been very good with the between space.  That space between when something starts and something ends.  It usually feels murky and like I can’t get my feet under me.  Or if I do get my feet under me, they don’t hold me up solid and are prone to giving out on me when I least expect it.  And this too shall pass.  I must need practice with the between space.  Allowing what is and not rushing through it takes conscious awareness and patience.  I think I can, I think I can!

Grateful for quiet days at home, grateful to have the time and empty space to allow what it, and grateful that this too shall pass.

About 45 minutes after the football game last night my lights flickered on and off twice and then went out.  The power was out for about two hours.  I’m so grateful for my propane fireplace as it kept the living room nice and cozy until the power came back on.

I stayed up until the power came back on as I needed to take some preventative action steps if it didn’t come back on.  It was bitter cold last night and the pipes would have frozen if the power was out all night.

That was some football game.  It was fun to watch the Chiefs win.  It went down to the last seconds of the game.  Can’t ask for a more exciting game than that.

I went to Emporia this morning to drop off my taxes at my accountant’s office and to take the rental policy violation to my property manager.  I don’t expect to hear anything back on my taxes for a couple of weeks.  The property manager didn’t seem too excited about the violation notice.  I asked her to let me know the outcome but wouldn’t take any bets that she will communicate with me.  I’m not too impressed with her.

I got all the books out of my closet and moved to the bookcases downstairs.  I also cleared some things off the shelving unit in the office and moved some of that stuff downstairs.  I don’t like cluttered shelving and I had too much stuff on the one in the office.  It felt good to get that little project taken care of and stuff moved downstairs.  I still need to organize the books on the bookcase a bit but at least they are down where they belong now.

I put some chicken in the crock pot for dinner tonight.  I haven’t fix a real dinner for a long time.  It sure smells good.  Just put some potato wedges in the oven to go with it.  It will do me good to eat a good dinner for a change.  Meals are still hard for me to eat alone.  I love to cook but it is hard to cook for just one person.

Tomorrow it is to reach 27 and then start warming back up on Wednesday.  I kinda like the 50’s better than the 20’s.  Come on Spring!

I was talking to Jason today and I was telling him about my possible trip to Ireland and Scotland.  He said he has always wanted to go to Ireland, Scotland and England.  It made me think that since I am there, why not add a few days in England.  I’m going to check on prices of getting to London from Edinburgh.  I might as well add a few days to my trip and take in London too.  I have always wanted to go there too.  I don’t have a time line set yet and I don’t have to be home in a certain amount of time.  If I am going to go, I might as well go big – right?  It would be cheaper to go from Edinburgh to London and back to Edinburgh than it would be to come home and then go back to London another year.

I wonder if I can find a booking company that would book all three legs of my trip for me?  I do need to make a decision and book if that is what I decide to do.  The best deals are usually found way in advance.  I don’t like last minute details on trips like this.

Nothing on my calendar for tomorrow or Wednesday.  Thursday I am getting my teeth  cleaned at the Vo-Tech.  I have to be in Emporia at 8:00 am.  Not sure what I was thinking when I scheduled that early in the day but I will deal.  The girl that is doing the dental work for me this year is really good and fast.

Feel myself starting to come out of the funk I have been in for the last week.  Still not totally out of it but I felt lighter and not so heavy-minded this morning.  It helped that the sun came out today and brightened the prairie.  I’m ready for the warm front that is headed out way to reach us by Wednesday.  I don’t deal well with cold, cloudy days.

I’m grateful I have had this empty space time to give myself time and space to process my feelings and allow them to be heard.  I trust it will help me heal from the abuse and trauma I went through over the last year.

Grateful for a Chief’s win, grateful the taxes are in the hands of the accountant, and grateful my spirits are lifting a bit.

Another quiet day on the prairie.  It has been bitter cold today and mostly cloudy.  Good day to stay tucked inside where it is warm.  Even the cats didn’t stay outside long today.  The dogs, on the other hand, love this weather.

I haven’t done much again today.  I did get my taxes finished up and ready to take to the accountant tomorrow.  I typed out a note for her explaining the minor complications due to the divorce.  I’m sure she can figure them all out.

I will go to Emporia tomorrow to drop off the taxes and the letter from the City of Emporia telling me one of my renters has a vehicle parked illegally on their driveway.  I’m grateful I have a property manager that can deal with that.  I’m sure it has happened to other tenants they have before.

I turned on my TV to watch the Chiefs game.  I struggle with remembering each time how to work it.  I know I make it more complicated than it needs to be sometimes.  If I would use it more I’m sure I would figure it out but I still forget I have a TV and rarely turn it on.

I haven’t done a good job of staying on my eating plan for the last couple of days.  Not sure why other than I have been restless and unsettled.  Eating my feelings doesn’t help but sometimes I forget that and am eating before I even realize what I am doing.  This stretch I am in of not being motivated and doing nothing will end one of these days – just not today I guess.

Allowing myself some extra grace and remembering to allow what ever comes up with out judgement.  Beating myself up for not staying on my eating plan doesn’t help or work.  I will get passed this.  I needed to take some down time to allow some hard feelings to rise and be heard.  Not easy work but oh so necessary for my long-term healing.

Grateful my taxes are ready to be turned over to the accountant, grateful I know to let my feelings surface and to be heard, and grateful to know that this too shall pass.

All of a sudden the wind blew in this afternoon and the temperature started dropping.  Went from 52 down to 32 in less than an hour.  Burr.  The cold front is here and is going to hang around for the next three or four days.  Kinda like the 50’s and sunshine better.

Got a call from the post office this morning that woke me up.  They had attempted to deliver a letter yesterday that needed my signature.  They were calling to see if I wanted to come pick it up before 9:00 this morning or if I wanted them to deliver it this afternoon.  I got up and got dressed and made it to the post office before 9:00.

It was a letter from the City of Emporia telling me that one of my renters is in violation of city policy due to where they have parked a disabled car.  I went to Emporia this afternoon to check it out.  The car is on the side of the driveway with two wheels on the driveway and two wheels in the yard.  I don’t see what the big deal is but I will notify the people that manage the property for me on Monday and let them deal with the renter to get the car moved.  It seems like something is always popping up with the rental properties.

I had trouble sleeping last night so about 3:00 I took half of a sleeping aide.  I was sleeping really good when the post office called this morning.  Came back home after going to the post office and went back to bed and slept another couple of hours.  Still feeling a bit hungover this afternoon but was grateful to have gotten sleep last night.

Haven’t gotten much done today.  I am on a streak of not doing anything so guess I will continue on with that.  One of these days I will find some energy and decide to get up out of my chair and do something.  Just not today!

I’m out of distilled water and can’t find any in town.  Guess I will go back to using tap water and deal with the white film it leaves behind.  The humidifiers sure help me from having sinus problems like I was before.  Wish I could find distilled water but I will deal without it.

Got a second room booked out for the Unbound Gravel dirt bike race the first week of June.  Not sure if I am going for three rooms or not.  I promised private bathrooms to the two that are coming so don’t want to break my word to them.  Trusting they will show up and not back out.  Guessing if they do back out I will be able to find someone else to rent to.  Lots of people are looking for rooms right now.

Thinking about getting a temporary job for the next couple of months.  I would like to earn enough money to pay for my birthday trip.  Not sure what I will look for.  Wish I could find a job where I could work from home but not sure how one does that.  Anyone have any job leads that they can pass on to me?

A friend called me yesterday to let me know she has breast cancer.  She has decided to not do radiation or chemotherapy.  She is waiting some blood work results to come back and then will decide if she is going to have a lumpectomy, a single mastectomy or a double mastectomy.  Breast cancer runs rampant in her family so the news was not unexpected.  She cares for her elderly mother and has her hands full right now.  She also needs to have cataract surgery and recently discovered she is diabetic.  Some people sure have big troubles that seem to hit all at once.

Feeling a bit restless today and a bit unsettled.  That seems to be happening more lately.  Hard for me to sit in the silence and be comfortable.  I am working at allowing what ever I am feeling to rise and be heard.  I’m sure part of it is still remnants of grief that I am processing from the divorce.  My life path radically and quickly changed the last three months and getting my body, mind and spirit to catch up to each other and synchronize has been a challenge.  I have had moments when it has happened but keeping them together remains a bit illusive for me.  It will happen sometime – soon I hope!

Grateful for sleep, grateful for a second booking for the dirt race weekend, and grateful this cold front is only to hang around for four days.

Got a text from my renter in Cottonwood Falls last night informing me that the drains in the house are not draining well.  I sent a PM to Davis Drain Cleaning and they called this morning to let me know they would be there this afternoon to get it fixed.  They came and quickly fixed the issue.  I love doing business with local companies that honor their word, show up when they say they will and get the job done efficiently and professionally.  That was easy!

Went to Wichita with a friend today.  We both needed to pick up some things from Costco.  We had lunch at Panera and then went to Costco.  We both managed to fill our shopping carts fairly full.  Filled the car up with gas at Costco and paid $2.70 a gallon.  Not bad!

Stopped at the Subaru dealership on the way out of town and got a new battery put in my back-up key fob.  The guy that did it remembered me from the last time I was there.  I had attempted to replace the battery in the other fob myself and the spring fell out.  He managed to fix it for me last time.  He sure made replacing the battery look easy.  They do it for free!  That was easy!

Came home and got everything put away.  I am stocked up for a bit on paper towels, toilet paper, trash bags and chicken.  Bring on the cold winter weather next week.

It was a beautiful day for a drive through the Flint Hills.  I’m grateful my friend went with me.  It turned a chore into a delightful outing.

Nothing planned for the rest of the weekend.  It is to be nice again tomorrow and then the cold weather starts to return Sunday and even colder weather comes in Monday through Wednesday.  I don’t have anything on my calendar until next Thursday so I will tuck myself inside and ignore the cold weather outside.

Got the bank statement I was waiting for so now I can finish up my part of my taxes and get them taken to my accountant.  It is always a relief when I turn them over to them.  Have no idea how I will come out this year since I will be filing single this year.  There are a few complications due to the divorce that the accountant will have to sort out.  Somehow it will all get done and sorted through.

Booked one rider that is coming to town June 1 —4 for the Unbound Gravel Bike ride.  I will try to find at least one, if not two more to book for that weekend too.  They are usually easy guests as they are focused on the race and won’t be around here much.  Rooms are hard for them to find and they appreciate having a quiet, comfortable place to stay.  Easy way to make a little cash.

I’m finally starting to settle down a bit from earlier this week.  This has been a hard week for me.  Can’t quite put my finger on why that was other than it started after therapy Monday.  I have felt restless and unsettled most of the week.  I’ve had little energy and no motivation to do anything.  Maybe I was coming down from all the emotion and stress from the last couple of months.  I’m grateful I didn’t have anything on my calendar and I could give my body quiet time and not have to push through to do something.

Did some price checking on flights to Ireland and Scotland.  It is cheapest to fly into Edinburgh and then take another flight to Ireland for the hike and then fly back to Scotland for the train trip.  I priced a flight direct to Ireland and then home via Scotland and the price was over twice what a round trip ticket to Scotland will be.  The little flight from Scotland to Ireland and then back to Scotland was very cheap.  Still haven’t booked anything but getting close to doing so.  I need to check out a few more companies and options before I make a final decision.

Grateful for a friend that came along for the ride today, grateful for Davis Drain Cleaning and their professional, prompt service, and grateful for the beautiful sunset this evening.

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I finally got up and read while sitting in my corner chair.  About 8:00 I noticed I was cold even though I had wrapped a blanket around me.  I got up and got dressed and then checked the thermostat.  It was 65 in the house.  The furnace was set on 71.

I called the repair man and luckily one was available and within an hour headed my way.  He got the furnace fixed in about 10 minutes.  I had a clogged drain line.  The house heated right back up and all is well.

I’m grateful it was an easy fix and that a repair man was available quickly.  The forecast for next week is mid to low 20’s for the high for several days and not a good time to not have heat.  I was also grateful for my propane fireplace that kept the living room bearable until the heat could be fixed.

I fell asleep in my chair a little after noon today.  I slept for about an hour.  I needed a bit more sleep as I didn’t get my second sleep last night.

This hasn’t been a very productive day for me.  Still not feeling very motivated to do much but I don’t have anything urgent to do.  Taking advantage of a quiet time in my life and not doing much.  I still like productive time better but am learning to lean into lazy days and appreciate them for what they are.

I fixed bacon and eggs for breakfast this morning.  The house was cold and eating my normal yogurt with frozen blueberries didn’t seem like a good idea.  I had yogurt for a late lunch today after my nap.  May skip dinner tonight, I’ll see if I get hungry later.

Tomorrow a friend is going to ride with me to Wichita so we can go to Costco and buy the store out.  We both need toilet paper, etc. so will have a car load coming home.  I’ll stop and get a new battery put in my Subaru key fob since the dealership is close to Costco.  We are going to have lunch and then go to Costco.  Having a friend go with me will make the trip into a fun day out.

Tomorrow it is to be 47 and a clear day so it is a good day to go to Wichita before the cold hits on Sunday.  I need to get out of the house and getting my Costco run out of the way will be a good thing.

Nicole, Michelle and I booked a four day trip to Vegas for early April.  We have never taken a mother/daughter trip and it is past time we did that.  We will fly out on a Wednesday and then home on Saturday.  One really doesn’t need more than two full days in Vegas.  I’m excited for the trip and it gives me something to look forward to.

Did some on-line research about a hiking trip in Ireland followed by a train trip through Scotland.  Need to decide if I want to spend the money on myself.  The hiking trip I looked at is 10 days and then the train trip is another 10 day trip.  I would go over a couple days early to adjust to the time difference and would have to fly or take a train from Ireland to Scotland.  The hiking trip I looked at goes along the coastline and you walk between 8 – 16 miles a day.  I can do that!  This would give me a reason to get back into shape and give me something to look forward to and a great way to celebrate turning 70.  Should I or should I not?  I’ll sit with it a bit longer and then decide.  Anyone want to go with me?  You could come for one or both parts of the trip with me.  Thinking late August or September but a flexible on dates.  July is another possibility as that would allow me to escape the heat of a KS summer.

No plans for the weekend.  I’ll have to check with the grandkids and see if they want to do something.  I haven’t fixed them any treats since our family Christmas early in January.  They got a lot of them then so evidently they still have some or they would have requested something.  I miss baking cookies.

Grateful the furnace was fixed easily and quickly today, grateful for my daughters willingness to go on a trip with me, and grateful for naps on a cold winter’s day.

 

I took a sleeping aide last night and went to bed at 8:00.  I woke up at 8:00 this morning.  I woke up a few times during the night but went right back to sleep.  Those sleeping aides are a miracle for me.  Wish I could take them more than once a week.  It feels so good to get deep sleep.

I met some friends in Cottonwood Falls for lunch today.  Always a fun time with this group of friends and it got me out of the house.  I was amazed at how much the snow melted while we were having lunch.  The sun came out and warmed things up and the snow almost disappeared.

We got about 2 -3 inches of snow overnight.  The prairie was beautiful this morning when I got up.  I like snow like this – here one minute and gone the next.  I still have snow in places the sun didn’t reach but for the most part it is gone this evening.

The wind was in a big hurry this afternoon.  Maybe it was blowing this storm system out of here.  I’m glad it finally calmed down as the sound of the wind was starting to wear me down.

I haven’t gotten much done today.  The down side of taking a sleeping aide is the next day I am hungover and feel like I am in a fog.  I sure could have taken a nap this afternoon but made myself stay awake so I have a better chance of sleeping all night.

Got downstairs and rode the bike for 30 minutes yesterday.  Haven’t made it downstairs yet today to ride.  Maybe before I take my bath I will get down there but wouldn’t take a bet on it.  Not motivated to do anything today.

I researched distilled water and sure enough there is a national shortage of it.  Something about increased demand and shortage of plastic for the jugs.  It is crazy what supply and demand is doing these days.

I went to Amazon and found the metal clips I needed to replace the one I lost when I was painting the bookcase.  I thought they were called brackets but they are called metal clips.  It is hard to order something when you don’t know the proper name of it.  I found it by accident but was grateful I did.  It is too cold to go shopping to find one in the stores.  Did you know I don’t like cold weather?

We are in for a stretch of colder days and nights.  It is to warm up some the next two days but the ten day forecast calls for highs in the mid to upper 20’s most of the next ten days.  Yuck!  Winter can go away and let spring come early.  The good thing is that it is almost February.  It feels to me like Spring is just around the corner when we get to February.  I know if it snows a lot this time a year it won’t be around long.  Come on spring!

Nothing on my calendar for the rest of the week.  Not sure what I am going to do with myself.  I don’t have anything urgent on my to-do list and the house is reasonably clean.  One of these days I want to go to Costco and stock up on a few things.  I don’t mind driving in the cold as long as the roads are dry and there is no chance for snow or sleet.  Maybe I will get that done later this week.

Haven’t heard from the guttering guys.  I was told they would be out early this week.  Not sure what the temperature has to be for them to work.  Maybe it has to be above freezing.  I spoke to the owner of the business last week and he assured me they would make it out when they can.

Waiting on one or two more statements to come in and then I can take my taxes to the accountant.  They are busy doing business tax reports that are due before personal taxes are due so they won’t get to them for a bit.  It feels good to have them in their hands though.  Not sure how I will come out this year since I will be filing single again.  I should be OK as I lost money on the rentals this year.

Feeling a bit restless and lost tonight.  Not sure if I am just tired or if it is a carry over from Monday.  Time has gone very slowly today and it has felt like a long day.  I like productive days better.  Will need to get creative and come up with something to keep myself out of trouble for the next couple of days.

Grateful for friends to have lunch with, grateful for sleeping aides, and grateful for the beautiful snow that came and went so quickly.

This has felt like a long day to me.  I had trouble finding sleep last night and woke up feeling cranky.

I took the tax computer back to the coordinator of the tax program and then went and got my haircut.  It always feels good to get a haircut.

Stopped at Walmart afterwards and got dog food, kitty litter and some groceries.  Stopped by Sutherland’s to get a bookcase bracket thingy but they didn’t have any of the kind I needed.  I’ll look at Bluestem next time I go to town and see if they have them.  I need to take one of the ones I have with me so I can show it to someone and have them help me find one just like it.

Came home and put all the groceries away.  The UPS man had delivered the carbon monoxide detectors that I had ordered so got those put up.  I tell you, taking them out of the packaging they were in was almost more than I could do.  The drill bit set also came in and it was packaged in a way that made it very hard to open too.  I used a pair of scissors and a knife and got both opened without damage to myself.  I’ll call that a win!

I rode the bike for 30 minutes this afternoon.  My energy level today has been low and 30 minutes felt like all I wanted to push myself today.  I hadn’t ridden at all for the last two days so I will take 30 minutes today.

Did a couple loads of laundry and got that all folded and put away.  Just hasn’t felt like a very productive day and the cranky mood seems to have hung around today.  Good thing most of the time I have been by myself.

Doing therapy wears me out.  The Therapist is easy to talk to and the time with her goes fast but I usually feel very drained for 24 – 48 hours afterwards.  It was a good thing I had a relatively slow day and had lots of down time.

My Therapist told me yesterday that I had received a major shock to my system and that my central nervous system is still recovering.  She warned me I would have days like this and not to let them get me down.  She said it will take lots more time before I am fully recovered and can keep myself full all the time.

It has been cold and cloudy most of the day.  We have gotten a very little bit of light rain this afternoon but not enough to measure yet.  I miss the sunshine and warmer weather.  We may get some snow overnight – we shall see.  I keep looking at radar and so far the system has gone south and most of it has missed us.

Tomorrow I am meeting some friends for lunch in Cottonwood Falls.  That will be good.  I need to remember to stop at Dollar General afterwards to see if they got some distilled water on the truck they are expecting tomorrow morning.  Not sure what the deal is with distilled water but I am having trouble finding it.  Walmart was out of it again today as was Dollar General.

For some reason today the quiet in the house has made me feel a bit restless and not peaceful.  I’m sure a lot of it is due to the lack of sleep I have gotten the last couple of nights.  Think I will take an early bath and then take a sleep aide and hopefully sleep long and hard tonight.

Trusting tomorrow I will be in a better head space and get some housecleaning done.  I haven’t been motivated today to do any.  It seems to wait for me to get to it – sooner or later.  I just find more dirt if it is later rather than sooner.

Grateful for a haircut today, grateful the grocery list was taken care of, and grateful this day is almost over.

I left for Wichita this morning at 9:00 in a freezing fog.  Thankfully the roads were dry and in good shape to drive on.  The fog was thick and I couldn’t go the speed limit due to low visibility.  What I could see of the landscape was beautiful as everything was coated in frost.

When I reached Elmdale the fog started to lift.  It was absolutely beautiful around me for about five minutes and then the sun came out and the frost disappeared.  The rest of the drive was free and clear.

This was my last counseling session unless a bump in the road appears down the road and I need to go back.  I am ever so grateful I found this therapist and she was able to help me identify what was wrong with my marriage, help me understand I could not fix it, and she helped me find the strength to leave my marriage.  She walked me through it all with compassion and skill.  I will be forever in her debt.

I told her today about my need to develop and use a checklist for basic daily, weekly and monthly tasks.  I had fallen so far down the rabbit hole that even daily chores like making my bed, doing the dishes, etc were beyond my ability at the time.  The checklist gave me a structure to follow and helped get me back into the land of reality.  She was impressed I had created a checklist and said it would have been something she would have recommended.  I had lost touch with reality for a bit and the checklist helped pull me back in.

It was good to hear that as I had been a bit concerned about myself and wondering if dementia was setting in.  It really was a scary time for me and difficult for me to think back to and realize how far down the rabbit hole I had fallen.

I also told her about the situation with taxes and me getting overwhelmed and having to back out.  She helped me understand where I am at in my recovery and healing journey and was proud of me for backing out to take care of myself.  She said she anticipates that I will have a few more experiences like that in the future and that is all part of the process.  She encouraged me to take good care of myself in ways that may feel uncomfortable to me as I wean myself away from my co-dependency habits.

I told her about my dream of taking a big trip to celebrate my 70th birthday this year.  She really encouraged me to do so.  It would give me something to plan for and to look forward to.  We will see where that dream goes.

After my therapy session I went to my Aunt’s house and had a nice long visit with her.  We were going to go out to lunch but talked right through lunch time and into the middle of the afternoon.  I finally told her I had to leave as I wanted to get home before dark.  We had a wonderful visit and the time flew by.  I understand how lovely it is to have someone come visit, especially since I live alone again.  My Aunt said she would rather visit than eat.  I took her some Snickerdoodle cookies I had made as a little treat for her.  She said she is the original Cookie Monster and loves cookies!

I stopped at Chipotle and ate and then came home.  I was going to go to Costco but it was getting late and I did want to get home before dark.

The guttering guys didn’t come today – not that I am surprised.  Maybe tomorrow?  Not going to hold my breath for them though.

Tomorrow I have a haircut late morning and then I need to stop and get some groceries.  There is a chance for more snow Tuesday evening so want to lay in some supplies in case.

Wednesday I am meeting some friends for lunch in Cottonwood Falls.  Then the rest of the week I have nothing on my calendar.

The bookcase and desk are set up and finished.  Good to have that project completed.  I like how they turned out and think they add to the great room downstairs.  Now I need to move some books from my bedroom closet to the other bookcase downstairs.  I buy lots of books each Friends of the Library book sale and I have been storing them in my bedroom closet.  It will be good to get them out of my closet and into the bookcase.  That will help make my bedroom closet feel less cluttered.

I’m tired tonight and was glad to get home.  It is good for me to be away for a day but it is ever so good to get back home to my house on the prairie and the silence and peace it offers.

Grateful for a therapist that guided and supported me though a really dark time in my life, grateful for my aunt and the visit we had today, and grateful to be back home on my house on the prairie.

The painter showed up mid-morning and had the rest of the painting job done in about five minutes.  Good to cross that off my pending list.

Phil, my handyman, brought over some things he had picked up from Jim.  Phil had to go to OK and was close to Stillwater so he took some things to Jim that Jim had left behind.  It was sweet of Phil to take those things to Jim and to return some things to me.  Maybe the move is complete now.

I went down this morning and painted the bookcase and set up the desk.  Went down again this afternoon and finished painting the bookcase and set it up.  I managed to get the shelving rack things back on with not too much trouble.  I am missing one of the brackets but am thinking it will show up.

The shelves were too tight to fit back in so had to sand the edges of them down a bit to get them to fit in.  I get ridiculously proud of myself when I figure something like that out and fix it.  It isn’t even a big deal but I needed a win today and sanding down the shelves and getting the rack things back on felt good.

Feels good to have the desk and bookcase project finished.  I still need to put the stuff back on the bookcase but am going to let it dry over night just to make sure it is fully dry.  I like the way they turned out.  The color works nicely and it warms up the room downstairs. These were two pieces that Jim had built and I needed to change the energy of them if they were going to stay in the house.

I did 65 minutes on the bike last night.  I think I am going to skip today.  I haven’t taken a full day off since I started riding and it feels like a good thing to skip once in a while.  I have a perfectionist tendency and I need to give myself permission to not do something 100% all the time.  At least that is the excuse I am using today!

We got one to two inches of snow overnight.  The prairie was beautiful with the snow sparkling in the sunlight this afternoon.  I didn’t step foot outside to enjoy it but looked out my windows several times.  The silly dogs were having a great time playing in the snow.  They love cold weather.

Tomorrow I go see my Therapist and then am going to my Aunt’s house and taking her out to lunch.  I may stop at Costco before I come home although I may be too tired to do so.  We will see how the day goes and what time I can get away from my Aunt.  I don’t have an urgent need to stop at Costco and could run back to Wichita another day in a week or so.

Tuesday I am getting my haircut and then I need to stop and buy groceries before I come back home.  Then the rest of the week is free and clear.  I’ll need to find something by the end of the week to do so I get out of the house and engage with people.  When I go more than three days without talking to someone I starts to feel isolated.

Sleep was very hard to find last night.  I finally took a second bath and was able to get two or three hours of sleep after that.  Sure wish I knew what the answer was in finding sleep some nights.  I only allow myself to take a sleeping aide once a week at most.  They can become addictive and I don’t need that.  They also become less effective if I take them more than weekly.  Guess I will continue to sleep long and hard once a week and call it good.

The guttering guy is to come this week and fix the broken guttering on the front porch.  Not going to place bets as to if he shows up but one can always hope.  I don’t like projects that seem to drag on and on  due to someone not doing their part.  It will get done when it gets done.  Hopefully, before the spring rains come and the broken guttering causes water issues.

We have a good chance of getting more snow Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning.  I’m grateful that there is none in the forecast for tomorrow or Tuesday morning.  Maybe I will get both trips in before more winter weather comes.

Have been thinking about chickens lately.  Still haven’t decided if I am going to replace my flock or not.  It sure has been nice not to have to go down there in this slick, wet, and cold weather.  I miss seeing the girls in the yard though.  With eggs the price they are, I should replace them but who knows what egg prices will do in six months.  It is too cold to mail order them right now so will have to wait till late February or March before I can get some anyways.  If I get them in early March I won’t have eggs until July.  We will see what I decide to do.

Starting to think about taking a big trip later this year.  I need a reason to continue riding the bike and taking a trip would give me a goal to aim for.  I have a couple places that I am looking at.  I would love to take the train inland in Alaska, a train trip across Canada sounds wonderful,  I saw a train trip through Scotland that looks fabulous, and I would love to do a hiking tour in Ireland.  I’ll keep looking and see which one captures my attention the most.  Still not 100% sure I am ready to travel again but it feels good to be at least considering it.

It has been a while since I envisioned something fun for the future.  I was busy surviving for a bit and lost that in me.  I have been awakening myself and dreaming and making plans for the future is starting to come back into focus.  I turn 70 this year and a big trip to celebrate that sounds exciting to me.

Grateful the bookcase and desk project is finished, grateful the painter came today and finished that project, and grateful for dreams for the future.

 

I went down and road the bike for 60 minutes last night.  Yay!  I went a whole hour.  It went fast and felt fairly easy.  I finished the book I was reading just at the end of the ride.

I got out my power screwdriver to remove the screws that hold the bookcase shelving units.  Discovered that I didn’t have any bits for the screwdriver.  I got a Philips screwdriver and did it the old fashioned way.  I was afraid the screws were going to be too tight for me to remove but I was able to get them all off.  I still need to paint the bookcase but that part is done.  Trusting I will be able to get it back together again when I am done painting – we will see.  I ordered a bit set from Amazon so I will have some next time I want to use my power drill.

I didn’t sleep well last night as I had taken too long of a nap Friday afternoon.  I did manage to get more sleep than I expected I would though.

I cleaned the laundry room today, change the cat litter out, and hand washed the floor.  Hard to bring clean clothes out of a dirty laundry room.  It had been a while since it had been cleaned thoroughly.  It will make doing laundry almost fun again.

Took the sheets off my bed, washed them and got it made back up again.  If I was in a position to do so, I would put fresh sheets on my bed everyday.  I love getting in a freshly made up bed.  Guess if I did it everyday I would not enjoy it as much as I do when I make it up weekly.

I went to lunch with a friend today.  We ate at the Grand in Cottonwood Falls.  We walked over to Prairie PastTimes afterwards and looked around.  There are some beautiful, hand-made items in that store.  It is fun to look at what is new.

It was nice to have a long visit with my friend.  I hadn’t talked face-to-face with anyone since Tuesday.  Did my soul good to get out and have a nice visit.

I rode the bike for 65 minutes today.  I started a new book and it seems to be a good one so the time went by quickly again.  It didn’t feel as easy today as yesterday but I stuck with it and got through it.

I haven’t gotten any painting done today but still may go down and do some this evening.  If not, I will get to it tomorrow.  The desk just needs one more coat on the top of it and it will be done.  The bookcase has quite a bit left to do on it but it shouldn’t take me long to do it once I get started.  Sometimes my starter doesn’t work and I don’t get to things like I want.

My painter did not show up today and did not call to let me know he wasn’t coming.  Can’t say I am surprised.  How does a person stay in business when they don’t deliver what they say they are going to do.  I’ll have to text him again next week and nag him until he gets out here.

It has lightly rained most of the afternoon.  Luckily the temperature has stayed above freezing so it isn’t coming down as ice.  We need the moisture but I don’t think we are getting much.  It is to get cold tonight so the roads will ice over as they are wet.  Good thing I don’t have anywhere to go tomorrow and can stay home where it is warm and dry.  Trusting it will be warm and dry when I go to Wichita on Monday.

Today has felt like a productive day.  I needed one of those after the last coupe of days.  Good to get some things crossed off my to-do list and it is nice to have at least one really clean room in my house.  Somedays I can’t see evidence of anything I did during the day so I appreciate the days that I can.

Ellie, one of my cats, has been driving me crazy lately.  She claws at the back door to let me know she wants to come inside.  I open the door to let her in and she walks by without coming in.  Or if she comes in, she wants back out two minutes later.  I told her today I was tired of her games but not sure she has conceded yet.

Nothing on my calendar for tomorrow except for riding my bike and painting.  I’m getting tired of this painting job so hoping I can get after it in the morning and get it wrapped up tomorrow afternoon.  It is taking two coats so will put one on in the morning and the other in the afternoon.  Not sure if I have to turn the bookcase on edge, if so it will take another day to finish it up.

Grateful for lunch with a friend, grateful the laundry room is clean, and grateful for the moisture that is falling on the prairie.

I took a sleeping aide last night and slept long and hard.  I was overdue for a long night’s sleep.  Woke up feeling rested and restored for the first time in a long time.  I did have a bit of a hangover from the sleeping aide though.

My lunch date had to back out as she needed to do something with her husband.  Totally understood and am grateful she took care of a priority that came up.  Teaches me how to do the same if needed in the future.  We are going to try again tomorrow if the weather stays nice.  We have a bit of a winter storm headed our way and am not sure when it is to hit.

I drove into Emporia to go to Walmart to get some distilled water.  They were out of it.  I went to Dollar General and got some, stopped at Flying J and filled my car up with gas and came home.  If I had known Walmart was out I would have gone to Dollar General in Cottonwood Falls.  Oh well, it was a pretty day for a short drive.

Fell asleep in my chair this afternoon.  The sun was shining on the prairie and I made the mistake of wrapping myself in a soft, warm blanket.  I woke up two hours later.  I hadn’t taken a nap day in a long time.

I haven’t gotten downstairs to paint or to ride my bike yet.  I managed to go 30 minutes yesterday.  I am counting that as a win as I really didn’t think I would get a ride in yesterday.  It was a hard day.

Today has been easier for me.  Things feel more possible today.  I haven’t talked to anyone for three days except for a brief phone call with my lunch date this morning.  Maybe tomorrow I will get out and find someone to talk to.

Still grateful I backed out of doing taxes.  I almost got out the tax computer and attempted the second set of problems.  Not that I would do taxes this year but to prove to myself I can do this and pass the damn test.  Decided I didn’t need to prove anything to myself so didn’t do it.  Failing a tax test doesn’t make me stupid, although that is how I felt Wednesday.  I wasn’t set up for success and failed.

I need to remove the metal rods that hold the shelf brackets on the bookcase that I am painting.  Am a bit afraid that I won’t be able to get them off and then back on correctly.  Guess I will give it a go and see what happens.  I can always have Phil, my handyman, come rescue me if needed.

My painter is to come tomorrow to finish the last five minutes of the project he did in December.  Wonder if I should take bets it he shows up or not.  He is a great painter but not reliable.

The sunset was a beauty tonight.  I call it a Plain Jane one as there were no clouds.  The best part of a Plain Jane sunset is the 360 degree rim around the horizon.  Hard to know what direction to look when that happens as there is beauty all around me.

I go see my Therapist Monday.  I am making a list of things to discuss with her.  This will probably be my last visit unless things come up down the road and I need her help again.  She was a lifesaver for me and I so appreciate the way she handled our conversations and the advice she gave me.  I couldn’t have done this whole thing without her help.

After I see the Therapist, I am meeting my Aunt and taking her out to lunch.  We will have a fun visit.  Mom has two sisters left and I love them both very much.  Spending time with either of them is almost like getting to visit with my mom again.  Both of my Aunts love to talk so I just get to listen.  It will make the trip to Wichita more rewarding for me.

Tuesday I have an appointment to get my hair cut.  I always enjoy the conversation I have with my barber.  A haircut always makes me feel better about myself too.  I will stop and get some groceries afterwards and get stocked back up on the regular stuff I eat.  I also need to get some dog food.

Still wrapping my head around my future.  The divorce changed what I thought my future was going to look like.  I can’t quite seem to be able to start envisioning a different path for myself yet.  I still have some healing and recovery work to do before I can start allowing a new path to come in.  I’m still climbing out of the rabbit hole I fell into during my marriage.  I am making progress but this week made me realize I still have a ways to go.  Taking each day one at a time and allowing myself extra grace right now.  No decisions need to be made urgently and I have nothing but time to let things unfold.  Things always work out better for me when I don’t push or pull and can allow them to unfold in a natural way.

Grateful for afternoon naps, grateful for sleep aides, and grateful for the beauty of a Plain Jane sunset.

Happy birthday to my grandson Tagen.  He turns 17 today!  Where does the time go?  He has grown into  a polite, generous, and kind man.  He has a tender heart of gold.  So grateful he is part of my life.

This has been a teary day.  I think I was overdue for one.  I have been climbing out of the rabbit hole I had fallen into while I was married.  The climb has been fast and furious.  I think I needed to slow down and let the grief from the divorce catch up to me today.  I need to allow myself to feel sadness and anger so it can be released.  I have finally learned that when I don’t allow my emotions to be what they are, I will pay a price – sometimes it is a physical price and sometimes it is an emotional one.  Either way, it is better for me to allow my emotions to be what they are and not stuff them.  I am grateful I didn’t break my eating plan and try to eat my feelings.  That is progress!

The coordinator of the tax program called me today to tell me she had a work around my failing the tax test.  I had to tell her I still couldn’t proceed with doing taxes this year.  I feel very vulnerable right now and know that my patience and brain bandwidth levels are low.  I just don’t have the energy to give to the tax program this year.

I surprised myself a bit when I struggled so hard yesterday figuring out how to do the test problems.  It has been three years since I did taxes.  The knowledge base I had before was a bit hard to access.  I was frustrated that they were testing us over cases that I doubt that I will see doing taxes.  I needed a refresher on the basics first and that wasn’t provided.

I am grateful I was able to recognize that the stress I was putting myself through was not good for me and I was able to back out.  That wasn’t easy for me as once I give my word I usually don’t back out.  But, I could tell if I powered through and did taxes it would cost me emotionally and physically.  It felt good to listen to my body and honor what it needed.  Maybe I am starting to break the bonds of my co-dependency issue.

I put a first coat on the underside and legs of the desk this morning.  I’ll go down in a bit and put the second coat on.  I also painted the top of the bookcase so I could see the color under the mural where the bookcase will sit.  The color works well with the mural.  Having these two pieces painted will warm up the room downstairs.  Painting furniture is very different than painting walls.  I like painting walls better.

I haven’t ridden my bike yet today and I may give myself a pass on doing so today.  I have a touch of a headache from crying and I may go lay down and take a nap instead.  I need to put myself in time-out and let my emotions level out a bit today.  I feel a bit beaten up and broken today but I know if I allow that feeling to be I will climb up by tomorrow and all will be well again.

The wind has been in a big hurry most of the day.  Somedays I love the sound of the wind across the prairie and somedays I want to scream at the sound of it and make it go away.  The wind has been an irritation to me today but I think most anything has been today.

Just one of those days.  These days do have a blessing in them as they allow me to release my emotions.  They certainly are not my favorite days or fun by any means.  But they do serve their purpose and I will be better for it tomorrow,

Grateful to understand what is happening to me today, grateful I was able to say no to doing taxes, and grateful the sun is shining this afternoon and warming my soul.

It has been an interesting day on the prairie today.  I woke up to rain falling this morning which is a wonderful thing.  We are very dry and every drop of rain is welcomed and needed.  It made for a cloudy, wet, cold morning though.  The sun came out this afternoon and brightened the day.

I worked on taking tax tests all day.  I failed the first test and then failed the second test.  You only get two tries and then you have to do new problems and test again.  It took for a couple of hours to do the first set of problems.  I didn’t have it in me to work another set of problems.  I sent an email to the coordinator and told her I am going to back out of doing taxes this year.

I have found that since the end of September, when things started falling apart for me, my patience level is mighty low.  I am still refilling myself and running a bit low on tolerance and patience.  I know I could have plowed through and made this work but I am big into self-care right now and pushing through didn’t feel like how I wanted to treat myself.  I decided to treat myself gently and offer myself some grace and back out of doing taxes this year.  I need more down time to recover.  I am actively attempting to remove stress from my life right now and doing taxes was adding stress.

I was looking forward to having something on my calendar for the next couple of months but I’m sure I will find something else to do that is less stressful.  Maybe I will just sit in the empty space and continue to refill myself.   Going to training class on Tuesday exhausted me.  I’m spending so much time home alone that when I am around more than one or two people I get drained quickly.  I need to ease myself back into the land of the living.

I did 50 minutes on the bike today.  I worked up a sweat and had to take my sweaters off.  It felt good to go for the whole 50 minutes though.  My legs were a bit wobbly when I walked up the stairs afterwards but that is a good thing.  That means I am working them hard.  I’ll add 5 more minutes tomorrow and again on Friday.  Wow!  I will be doing an hour on the bike.  I can’t believe I am back up to that.  I started at 6 minutes a couple weeks ago.  Progress!

Still need to get downstairs and do some painting.  I’m tired this afternoon so painting may wait until tomorrow.  There is no rush to get that project done and the painting is harder than just painting a wall.  I don’t like to do things like that when I am tired.  I may go down and sand as that is not as detailed.  I may just sit and do nothing but read a book.  My brain is a bit fried from working and failing on the taxes today.

Yesterday I wrote that I doubted that I talked to anyone the rest of the day.  I had two great phone calls last night – one from my son and the other from one of my Aunts.  It was good to talk to both of them.  Today my daughter Nicole called.  I have on my daily checklist to talk to someone each day.  Some days I can initiate a call and some days I just don’t have it in me to do so.  Grateful that others call me so I can cross off that task from my list.  I am aware that it isn’t mentally healthy for me to go several days without talking to someone.  Doing my best to not let that happen with the reminder on my checklist to reach out if no one has called me.  Most days I am able to find someone to talk to but somedays that seems like too big of a mountain to climb.

I feel like I have been in a bit of a fog most of the day.  I discovered I took my morning pills twice today as I forgot what day of the week it was.  I don’t seem to have much of a short-term memory today.  Some days are like that I guess.  This has happened before so I’m not worried something is wrong.  I was worked up about the stress of taking the tax tests and frustrated with the whole process.  My brain bandwidth seems to have shrunk a bit lately and can’t handle stress right now.  I think it is a good thing I backed out.  I need more quiet, recovery time.

Grateful I was able to back out of doing taxes, grateful for the phone calls I received yesterday and today, and grateful for the rain that fell on the prairie today.

 

 

It has been a quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t talked to anyone yet today and doubt that I do.  The quiet feels peaceful to my soul today.

I did four training modules that I needed to get done by tomorrow evening’s tax prep class.  I still need to do some more work but am struggling to figure out where to find what I need so I can do it.  There are five different sites we use for the training process.  All five take different passwords and user names in addition to the user name you use to open the Chromebook.  Wonder if they can make this any more difficult?  It took me almost an hour to figure out how to open one of the sites.  By then, I was over it and couldn’t do the homework.  I forgot how challenging the training part of doing taxes is.  It is much harder than the actual taxes themselves.  Not sure why they train us on things we won’t encounter.

I’ll try again tomorrow morning to get through the next set of modules that I am to have done before class tomorrow night.  I think I can, I think I can.  Maybe tomorrow it will go easier for me.

I sanded the top of the desk and put the first coat of paint on it to see if I like the color.  I wish I had gotten the darker shade but what I got will work.  I’m not sure what I am doing with sanding as I haven’t done that before.  Don’t know if I should sand a bit more or if what I am doing is enough.  I will continue how I did the top and see what the outcome is.  I need to sand the legs and then paint those and then I will do the bookcase.

I did 45 minutes on the bike today.  It was a bit more of a struggle but I powered through.  The book I started is a good one and that helps distract me from the challenge of the hard cycle on the bike.  The time seemed to go fairly fast today but my legs got a bit tired towards the end.  That is a good thing, I think.  Means I am working them hard.

I listened to a video on Co-Dependencies this afternoon.  They listed 13 traits that co-dependent people have.  I was pleased to see that many of the things I used to do but no longer do.  It makes so much sense to me now why these traits were present in me.  The self-work I have done has helped me grow.  I still have a few traits that were on the list that I will continue to be aware of and change my relationship with.  I love discovering things about myself that I was blind to before.  The biggest hurdle to creating change within myself is seeing what needs to be changed.

Tomorrow I go back for more tax training in Emporia at 5:15.  Hoping it only lasts an hour or so this time so I can get home and have dinner before 7:00.  I don’t like to eat that late but eating before I go to training is too early.  Last night I didn’t get home until after 8:00.

Grateful to learn new traits about myself, grateful for the self-discovery that has already happened, and grateful half of my tax homework is done.

 

This morning a dear friend came over to pick something up.  She had some time so we had a nice visit for a bit.  It was good to break my three day fast of not talking to anyone.

This afternoon I went to Emporia to pick up a gallon of paint and some sand paper so I can work on sanding and then painting two pieces of furniture this week.  I’m anxious to get some paint on it to make sure the color will work.

I went to my first tax prep training.  It took us a bit to figure out passwords so we could get on the internet.  Once we figured that out, we had to figure out the various passwords for the various sites we use to take tests, play with doing taxes, and other things we have to do.  Each site requires a different password and some have different user names.  Can they make it any more confusing?  Training took over two hours due to the glitches in getting proper access.

I stopped at Walmart afterwards and picked up a few groceries.  They are out of distilled water again.  Darn!  I still struggle with these ongoing shortages.

I have a free day of sorts tomorrow.  I have several homework lessons and tests I have to do for tax prep.  We have more training session Wednesday and Thursday evenings.  Found out we start doing taxes February 6.  We will do them at the Senior Center from 9:00 to noon on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then at the Credit Union on Monday and Wednesday evenings from 5:00 – 8:00.  Not sure what my schedule will be but most weeks I could work most of the sessions.  I don’t like going to town twice a day but if needed I will do so.

If you live in the Emporia area and want your taxes done for free, call the Emporia Senior Center and book an appointment.  They will start taking appointments towards the end of January.  You have to call between 9:00 and 1:00 Monday through Friday.  Although this is a program for senior citizens, we do taxes for all age groups.  We don’t have lots of volunteers this year so the slots will fill up fast as we will be limited to how many we can do each day.

I did 40 minutes on the bike this afternoon before I went to Emporia.  I finished reading the book I had started earlier.  It was another good book and it sure helps the time on the bike go fast when I read and bike.  I am amazed that I was able to do 40 minutes.  When I started two weeks ago I did 6 minutes and about died.  My stamina is building quickly.  By the end of the week I will be at my goal of doing an hour a day.  Not sure if I will just stay at an hour a day or if I will keep increasing my time and intensity on the bike.  I have the time to do longer than an hour a day so why not.

I’ve been back on my eating and exercise plan for 12 days now.  The bloating I had been having is gone and I am feeling much better.  Six more pounds to go to reach my first goal and then I hope to take off eight more after that.  The number on the scale isn’t as important as how I am feeling.  I already can tell I am stronger and have more energy than I have had for a long time.  Trust I will be able to stay on the wagon and get back into shape.  Feels good to be taking better care of myself.  I neglected myself for way too long.

I’m tired tonight.  Being around people tires me out quickly.  I didn’t sleep very well again last night and I was up around 6:00 this morning.  Maybe tonight will be the night I sleep long and hard.

Grateful for friends that come to visit, grateful the first day of tax prep training is over and I passed both tests, and grateful I have been able to stay on my eating and exercise plan for 12 days.

Happy birthday to my brother Chad.  He turns 68 today.  Maybe this will be the year he gets to retire.

This has been another quiet day on the prairie.  This is the third day in a row I haven’t spoken to another person.  So far I am not bored or missing people.  I do have to go to town tomorrow for tax prep training so will break my streak then.

I went 35 minutes on the bike today.  My legs were a big wobbly when I walked upstairs afterwards.  First time that has happened.  May stay at 35 minutes for another day or two before I add more time.  I’ll see how I am feeling tomorrow when I ride.

I had trouble finding sleep last night.  Makes for a long night when that happens.  One of these days I am going to figure out why I can’t sleep.  Miracles do happen – right?

Picked out a paint color for the furniture pieces downstairs that I am going to paint.  I will pick up the paint when I go to town tomorrow and start painting them on Tuesday.

I didn’t paint on the deck today.  It was too windy.  I checked to see at what temperature I could paint at and that part was good but while I was reading about temperature it mentioned wind speed.  Anything over 15 MPH they recommend not painting outdoors as the paint dries too fast.  The wind today has been well above 15 MPH most of the day.  Hard to find a day on this hill when that isn’t the case.

I have felt kinda flat all day today.  Thinking it is because I didn’t get much sleep.  Some things came up for me today emotionally and I spent some time allowing them to run through me.  Feels like I am on the other side of them now which is a good thing.  But it is physically draining when I do that.  Good thing I had a quiet day at home and could allow the feelings to be what they were.  They pass through me much quicker when I can allow them to be and not be in resistance to them.

Not too motivated to do much today.  I am reading a good book and that has helped pass the time today.  Somedays are meant for good books and doing nothing else.  This was one of them!

A week from tomorrow I go back for my last counseling session.  She will be available in the future if I feel I need her again.  Not sure how I thank her for her help through all of this.  It made a world of difference to me to have her advice and support.  Sure wish mental health services were easy and cheap to access for all.  I got lucky finding one that had an opening when I needed it and even luckier to find one as good as she is.

Grateful for my brother Chad, grateful I was able to allow my emotions to run through and out of my body, and grateful for something on my calendar for tomorrow.

 

 

Another quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t spoken to anyone so far today and probably won’t today.  Two days in a row for that.  I had trouble sleeping last night so took half of a sleep aide.  Slept hard after that and slept in until 9:15 this morning.  Still feeling a bit groggy but trying to power through and not take a nap.

It is 50 outside today but the wind is making it feel a bit cooler.  Need to drive down and get the mail when I finish writing.  Also need to feed and water the dogs.  The bit of snow we got Thursday has melted today.  It is to be 58 tomorrow which will be a nice break.  May get to paint outside on the deck tomorrow if the mood strikes.

Rode 30 minutes on the bike today.  It felt a bit harder to me today but thinking that is due to my grogginess.  I don’t have much get up and go today.  Not motivated to do much today.  I’m grateful I found the strength to ride the bike.  Have been sitting and reading today.  Somedays are like that for me and I don’t have anything pressing to do so why not?

If I had remembered earlier I would have gone to town to get a gallon of paint.  I remembered that project when I went downstairs this afternoon to ride my bike.  I want to paint two pieces of furniture that used to be in my office but when I reset the house I moved them downstairs.  They need to be painted to fit in better downstairs and to change the energy of the pieces.  I know what color I want, I just need to get to town to get it.  The paint store is closed tomorrow so will have to wait till Monday to get the paint.  By then, I will need a few groceries.  I have to go to town Monday late afternoon for tax training so will go to town a bit early and get the paint and then stop afterwards for some groceries on my way home.  I don’t have anything on my calendar after Monday so will have plenty of time to get them painted.

I had been searching around trying to find the site where I can do my tax prep testing.  I finally figured it out this morning so will need to get to my desktop computer and see if I can get on the site and start doing the required testing.  I’m not sure if I can log on or not.  The site got all confused when I moved from the Emporia site to the Stillwater site.  I think they have me in the correct site now but will have to see.  Each year you have to do testing to refresh your skills.  Since we have had a two-year break it will almost be like starting from scratch.  We will see how much the system has changed and how much I remember.

I will find out more at the training meeting Monday night.  I am thinking it is the first of several training meetings but not for sure.  If I remember correctly, we had several training sessions before so everyone could pass all the required tests.

I let the grandfather clock wind down and it stopped.  When I restarted it, it got an hour off.  I will either have to rewind it back 11 hours or stop it and remember to start it on the right hour.  May need to add the task of winding it to my weekly checklist.  My brain is still trying to unscramble itself from the trauma it went through over the last year.  I find it fascinating to observe how my brain works – or doesn’t work as I came to expect it to.

Somedays like yesterday I think so clearly and everything I do is easy and I feel very efficient.  Days like today nothing feels easy and I feel slow and like everything I do is an effort.  Part of it today is the side effects of the sleeping aide but I have days like this when I haven’t taken a sleeping aide.  Guess that is what life is though.  You gotta have the easy days and the hard days.  How would you know cold if you didn’t know hot?  How would I know an easy day if I didn’t have a hard day?  Balance is the name of the game for me right now.  I have learned if I accept what is and hot resist it, it can change easier for me.  Today is what it is an going with it and not resisting it makes it pass easier for e.

Grateful I was able to ride the bike for 30 minutes, grateful for the warmer weather today, and grateful for the sleep I was able to get last night.

 

This has been a very quiet day on the prairie.  I haven’t spoken to anyone so far today.  The sun is shining this afternoon after a foggy, cold start to the day.  It is only 33 out today but is to warm up to 47 tomorrow.

I got my tax prep work done.  Still need some tax forms to get here before I can make my appointment with my tax preparer but it feels good to know they will be ready to take in when the forms arrive the end of the month.  Three of the rentals had a good year, one had a terrible year with a big loss and the other one did so so.  I had to do some major work to the one that had the big loss.  It helps at tax time but hard from a cash flow perspective.

I did 25 minutes on the bike today and finished reading the book I have been reading this week.  It was the type of book that you hate to have come to the end as it was interesting and I would have liked to know more of the story.  I’ll start a new book when I take my bath later tonight.

I washed the sheets on my bed and cleaned the two upstairs bathrooms and then wrote my sister a long email.  It feels like it has been a productive day on the prairie today.  I like days like this when I get to stay home and get to cross some things off my to-do list.

I have been using distilled water in my humidifiers to eliminate the white film that my hard tap water leaves behind.  I am filling up my recycling quickly with the empty plastic containers.  I remembered that last year my neighbor was looking for plastic gallon jugs to put around her tomatoes.  I sent her a message and she will gladly take two dozen of them off my hands.  I like seeing things reused instead of being recycled so will save her some.  It won’t take long as I go through two gallons a day.  If anyone else needs some, let me know and I will be happy to save you some too.

No plans for the week-end.  I will need to find some excuse to get out of the house as too many days home alone without conversation with another person is not good for me.  I don’t have anything on my grocery list so don’t need to go to town for that.  Maybe I will kidnap one of the grandkids and have them come out for a day this weekend.

The weather is to warm up on Sunday and if it doesn’t rain I may try to paint the deck boards that were replaced by my handyman in December.  I don’t like seeing raw wood on the deck railing.  I think the wood needs to be protected by the deck paint.  Not my favorite type of painting but it needs to be done.  Later this spring I will need to repaint the whole deck.  The last paint I used didn’t hold up and all three decks need redone.  That will keep me busy for a month or more.  May need to have a painting party and get some help with that project.

My word for the year is balance.  It is important that I balance days like today where I stay home and am quiet all days with days that I interact with others and have conversation.  I get drained if I don’t keep myself in balance between the two types of days.  Empty space days recharge me but once I am full I need to socialize for my emotional health.  I will be more engaged with the outside world when I start doing taxes in February.

Grateful my tax prep work is completed, grateful for empty space days, and grateful I found a home for some of the empty distilled water containers.

It has been a busy, long day for me.  I woke up many times last night.  I think it was the sound of the wind that kept waking me up.  I knew I had to drive into Emporia this morning and I was worried about the storm that was raging outside.

I finally got up at 5:30.  We only got a light dusting of snow but there was some ice underneath it.  I left for Emporia at 6:15 so I could drive slow on the highway if needed.  The road was not bad although there was some dark ice in places.

I stopped and got the kids breakfast and then went to Michelle’s house.  The kids were both awake and moving.  They ate breakfast while they got dressed and then I took them to school.  Patience is the name of the game when you drop off a middle schooler and a high schooler.  Traffic is terrible – especially on icy days.

After I dropped the kids off I went to the hospital and picked up Tim.  He was almost ready to get discharged when I got there.  I took him home and then I came home.

I rode my bike for 20 minutes today.  My legs are already getting stronger.  I will continue to increase the time daily until I am up to at least 60 minutes at a time.  May go even more as I have time.  When I was training to walk the Camino I rode the bike four hours a day.  Not sure I need to go that long but we will see what I do.  I love to read while I bike and the time goes by fast.

Worked on my taxes today.  Feels good to have that project started.  I had to go back to town this afternoon to pick the kids up from school so while I was in town I stopped and got the rest of the rental statements from my business partner.  I also picked up a prescription and ran a couple of other errands.  I picked the kids up and dropped them at their house and then came back home.

Tonight may be a very early bedtime as I didn’t sleep well last night and got up so early.  Good thing the sun goes down early – I may go to bed when the sun does.

Feeling stronger each and everyday.  Things have calmed down from all the chaos of the last three months.  I am remembering who I am and where my boundaries are.  Eating on plan and exercising is helping me feel physically stronger too.  It feels so good to be back on track and taking care of myself.

Grateful to see the grandkids today, grateful for a safe trip to town this morning on icy roads, and grateful to be recovering from all the stress and trauma of last year.