Author: Kay Krause

Another day with an unexpected twist thrown in just for kicks and giggles. Oh my! I am beginning to wonder what will happen next.

I got up this morning and got packed for our cave adventure. I went down and ate breakfast with the other three in my group. We headed out to the trail that leads up to the mountain top and cave around 10:30. We had planned to leave at 9:45 but we are on relax time here and things happen when they happen.

We met up with seven others at the trail head. Two of them are the ceremony leaders and the other five were other women joining us for our adventure in the cave. It took about 30 minutes to get everything lined out before we headed up the mountain. We were told there were three rest areas and that we could take it slow and easy.

One of the other participants and one of the leaders were kind enough to slow way down and go at my turtle pace. It was very hot today and very humid. I was sweating lots before we got to the steps. The first part was on open ground that lead up,up,up. It was slick and you really had to watch where you walked so you didn’t fall. Luckily they gave me a hiking stick that really helped keep me upright at times. Then we reached the first part of the steps, Some of the steps were knee high for me and it took a bit to figure out how to handle them. My heart rate was going fairly high at times as the trail was slick and steep.

We finally made it to the first resting area after about an hour of hiking. One hour down, two more hours to go. The rest of the group had waited for us to catch up to them and everyone extended their rest so we could get our heart rates down and get a good rest. The view was amazing as we overlooked a valley. There were cattle grazing in a field way below us and lots of birds, insects, etc. to watch. It is rainy season and all the flowers are in full bloom.

I finally felt ready to tackle the second part and got up to go. Next thing I knew I was laying on the muddy ground and one of the leaders was telling me I was going to be OK. It took me a minute to figure out I had passed out. Yikes!

They let me lay down for a bit and then I was able to sit up. They did some energy work on me and my head cleared a bit. The leader that is from Costa Rica had me take a big bite of something she had brought with her. She said it would get my blood pressure back up and help with my blood sugar. It tasted like chocolate covered dirt. Not sure what it was.

After a bit we decided I better go back down and not attempt to go any further. I think I hit my head when I fell and things were a bit fuzzy for me. Two of the leaders stayed behind with me and sent the rest of the group up with the other leader. One of the participants had a rental car she had left at the trail head and they borrowed the keys from her.

They walked me back down the mountain and drove me back home. They made sure I got safely in my cabin room and then went back to join the others.

I took a hot shower when I got to my room. I was covered in mud from when I went down. I was almost done with my shower when I got the shakes. Luckily I was able to get out of the shower safely and get into the bed. I laid in bed and shook for the longest time. It finally stopped and I got a little bit of rest.

I feel much better this evening although I am a bit sore. Not sure if it is from the steps, the fall or the shakes. Took some Tylenol and plan on resting the rest of the evening.

They arranged for the lady that is our chef for the week to bring me some dinner at 6:30. I’m not really hungry yet but maybe by then I will be. Hoping I can get a little bit down at least and then I will go to bed early and hopefully get a good night’s sleep. I’m sure by morning I will be ready to go again.

The group is spending the night in the cave and is coming down in time for lunch tomorrow. I’m so disappointed that I had to miss ceremony and getting to see the cave and the waterfalls. Just didn’t feel safe for me to continue up the mountain.

It has rained all afternoon. Sometimes it lightens up a bit but then it comes down fast and hard again. I am grateful to have been able to spend the afternoon quietly in my room. They told me that once you get in the jungle there are enough trees that you are somewhat protected from the rain. I didn’t make it that far up to know.

The lights have blinked off and on a couple of times this afternoon. Wonder if their electricity goes off occasionally. Guess I will find out. I have a headlamp I can use and I plan on going to bed soon anyways so no worries if it does.

My room is not air conditioned. The rain here falls straight down so you are able to keep the windows open even when it is raining hard. There is a nice breeze that blows through and the room stays pretty comfortable. There is mosquito netting on the bed as there are lots of bugs here.

This trip is proving to be a real adventure. What will happen tomorrow? Guess I will fasten my seat belt and hang on for the ride.

Grateful I came on this adventure, grateful I made it safely down the mountain, and grateful for the care the leaders showed me.

What a day! Yesterday turned into a very long day. The flight out of Houston was delayed two hours. We hit turbulence a couple different times. It was rough enough that the flight attendants had to go to their jump seats. Finally landed in San Jose, Costa Rica around midnight.

The line through Immigration wasn’t too bad. They needed to know my return flight information. Guess they want to make sure I leave.

Then I went to go through Customs. Yikes! The line double winded all through the baggage claim area. I finally found the end of the line and started my hour wait to get through it. One of the other retreat participants was there and we managed to hook up and wait together.

The hotel’s last shuttle service was at 1:00 and we missed that by an hour. Together we took a taxi to the hotel and had a smooth check in. I almost fell asleep before I could get out of my travel clothes.

Got up this morning and went down for breakfast. It was a nice buffet and I ate plenty. Went back up to my room to get my bags and came back down to catch the shuttle to the airport.

I was on the second floor so only had to go to the first floor. About one minute after the elevator started going down we heard a loud bang and the elevator jerked and then came to a stop. After checking to make sure everyone was OK, we hit the alarm button.

Thankfully there was a gentleman on the elevator that was a paramedic and worked for the Red Cross. He took charge in a very good way and kept myself and the three other women calm. He spoke Spanish so was able to talk to our rescue crew.

It took them about 20 minutes to figure out how to get the doors open. We pushed our luggage through and then one by one we dropped out. There was a ladder that helped us get down. The opening of the door at the top had about three feet for us to get through. What an adventure!

I took the airport shuttle to the airport and checked in for my early afternoon flight. It is a good thing I went early as the 12:20 flight left at 11:00. I met the other three retreat participants at the airport and we all got on the little airplane. It only seats 12 passengers. When I checked in I had to get on the scale with my bags.

The plane flew low most of the 20 minute flight but we flew through the clouds. The view of the ocean was amazing and the landscape looks like a jungle. It is rainy season and everything is very green and lush.

The airport was very tiny – like the size of a double carport. We waited on a taxi for a bit and then drove to the place where we are staying. The leader was going to rent a car but for some reason it wasn’t available so we had to do a taxi. The first taxi they sent was too small so we had to wait for a slightly bigger one to come.

We stopped at a health food store and some of the ladies got snacks, etc. It took about 30 minutes to get to the health food store and then another 45 minutes to get to our retreat center.

The house I am staying in is the meeting place for the group and the place where we will be having our meals. It is a beautiful, jungle like setting with beautiful blooming plants all around. Tonight there has been a chorus of insects and creatures singing their songs.

One of them makes a chirping sound like a smoke detector that needs its batteries replaced. Took me a hot minute to figure out what was going on.

After a nap this afternoon, three of us walked down about 1.5 miles to a chocolate place. They make chocolate that has magic mushrooms in it. Anyone want me to bring some home for them? They are $30 a bar. It was a lovely walk to the place. It rained off and on while we were walking to and from. I got back and took a hot shower and put on dry clothes.

We had dinner at 6:30. We had some sort of fish tacos. I could swear that the fish was chicken – it didn’t have that fishy taste at all. The homemade guacamole was especially good.

We did a meditation after dinner and now it is bedtime. It has been a long day. It is raining pretty heavy this evening and I hope it rains all night. I love sleeping to the sound of the rain and the insect and creature choir.

Tomorrow we are hiking about 2 miles up hill to a cave and waterfall and will do plant medicine. We will be sleeping in the cave and hiking back down on Wednesday. Thursday someone is coming to give me a long massage. Friday we are doing ceremony of some sort followed by another massage on Saturday. Sunday we head back to San Jose.

What an adventure this has been already and we are just beginning. Tomorrow will be a test of my physical fitness for the hike. The walk today gave me confidence that I can do it.

Grateful for this opportunity to experience new things – even getting stuck in an elevator, grateful for the group I am with, and grateful I faced my fear and anxiety and came.

I am writing from the airport in Houston. The flight out of KC left 45 minutes late and now the flight out of Houston is delayed at least two hours. One of those travel days!

I left home around 10:30. I almost forgot my iPad put remembered when I got to my car and went back inside to get it and my toothbrush. Trust I didn’t forget anything important.

After I had packed yesterday, I got a note from the retreat leader telling me what I am to bring and how I am to prepare for the plant medicine. Most of the things I was to start a week ago – oops! The retreat leader moved last week from CA to Texas and her belongings got delayed when the moving truck broke down. I’m sure she had lots of more important things on her mind.

I am to wear all white for the ceremonies. Luckily I had a shirt I could take and Kathy had a pair of white pants that fit me. That was easy. We are to take headlamps and one of the other ladies didn’t have one. I had three so can take care of her. Most everything else on her list I had packed. I needed a journal for writing so I picked one of those up at the KC airport.

The drive to the airport was smooth with little traffic. I even remembered to write down where I parked and the stop I need to get off the shuttle bus. Sometimes I forget to do that.

My bag got pulled when I went through the security line. I had taken a container of baby powder. They looked at it and put it back in the bag. The security line wasn’t very long and moved pretty quickly.

The flight from KC to Houston was smooth but crowded. It was only a 48 seater and every seat was full. They gate checked my bag but were able to deliver it quickly after the flight. They didn’t deliver the plane any ice so drinks were served warm ish. I only wanted ice for the bottle of water I had with me but I was out of luck.

I am sitting at a pizza place in the airport. They serve real iced tea! Have a feeling it may be the last one I get for a week or so. For some reason, good iced tea seems hard to find when I travel internationally. I will only eat one slice of the expensive pizza I ordered but that is what one has to do sometimes.

The hotel airport shuttle stops running at 1:00 and I am to arrive at 12:15. Trusting I can make it through immigration and to the last shuttle. I guess I will take a taxi if not. My flight tomorrow is at 12:30 so will have lots of time to get a good night’s sleep even getting in so late.

Well this adventure has started. I will meet up with the rest of the group at the airport tomorrow for the 12:30 flight. My understanding is the leader will rent a car and drive us a couple hours to where we will be staying for our week in Costa Rica. There is a hurricane brewing that might affect us mid week. I’m sure where we are staying they are well prepared and will keep us safe. Traveling is always an adventure and this trip may well be a grand one.

Guess I will go find a place to have a long sit as I wait a couple more hours for my flight. They have lots of places to sit where you can charge your electronic devices and be comfortable. My challenge will be to stay awake so I don’t miss my flight!

Grateful for one safe trip down, grateful for good iced tea, and grateful this adventure has begun.

I can’t believe June is almost over. It sure went by quickly. May seemed to last for a long time. I have been in this house for two months now. It feels like I have been here much longer.

Having trouble making myself pack for my trip tomorrow. I am feeling very anxious about going. I think it is due to my tummy – it is still being loud and cranky today. Not fun traveling with a cranky tummy. Trusting it will settle down tomorrow and all will be well.

I went to Emporia early afternoon. I remembered a couple more things I wanted to get for the trip. This trip to town I remembered to stop at the ATM and get some cash. I will use credit cards for most things but the massage lady wants American dollars and doesn’t do credit card. It is handy to have cash for tipping too.

It is hot and muggy out today. Not sure I am looking forward to the weather in Costa Rica as it is forecast to rain most of the time and the temperature will be in the mid to high 80’s and higher. Maybe the rain will feel like it is cooler than it is.

I leave home around 10:30 tomorrow. I have a 3:00 fight to Houston and then will have a couple hour layover in Houston before I leave for Costa Rica. I will get it around 10:30 Sunday evening. There is only a one hour time change so that makes it easy. Trusting I can figure out the shuttle bus to the hotel I have a reservation at.

A mentor once told me to do the things that you fear. With that in mind, I will get on that airplane tomorrow and make this trip. Usually when I fear something, it turns out to be one of the best things I ever did. All will be well!

Grateful I leave for my trip tomorrow, grateful I have everything I need to take, and grateful I am not letting fear stop me.

I spent a quiet morning at home. I walked the dogs one by one and each did their business. It was nice and cool this morning after the storms that came through last night.

I had gotten a rain gauge a week or so ago but I must have it in the wrong place as so far it has not measured any rain and it has rained twice since I got it. I’ll have to find another place to put it. I don’t think we got much rain either time but I think we got enough to have measured at least some of it.

I sent an email to my builder and told him to put my build on hold. His estimate for pricing was 40% higher than I expected and was too much for me. There were lots of things that the estimate didn’t cover so the real cost would be even higher.

I kept seeing and feeling red flags from this builder and gave him a couple of chances to show me a different side of him. But that never happened. I had been very clear what my budget was from the very beginning and he had assured me he could meet that. I had given him some changes to the floor plan in his time table before he finalized them. He ignored my email and then had to change the plans which pissed him off.

I had made several requests such as Class 4 shingles and in the estimate he put Class 3. I am already tired of him not hearing me and decided to back out before we got into the real work of building a house.

His secretary sent me back an email that told me he can adjust the finishings to meet my set price. I think I will pass. Why didn’t he listen to me the first time and do it then? I think he underestimated me. Not a smart thing for him to have done. I’m proud of myself for recognizing the red flags and stopping this process before I got in over my head and it got so far down the path that I couldn’t course correct.

I went to Emporia early afternoon for my 2:00 exercise. Traffic was one lane for about three miles and so it took a bit to get to town and back home again. I did exercise and then came home. I needed to go to the Chiropractor but couldn’t make myself drive downtown to take care of that.

My tummy is still a bit angry today. Sure trusting it will calm down before my trip. It will be a bit challenging traveling with an angry tummy. It usually doesn’t last more than a day or two so things should be OK.

No plans for tomorrow except for packing. Still not sure what to take. Guess I will decide as I pack and see what I have room for. I only take a carry on bag so won’t have room to take extra stuff. Wish I could take hiking sticks but they won’t fit in my carry on and most times they don’t let you take them on board. Maybe I can get some there. We have a three hour climb to get to the waterfalls and lots of steps to climb. I have found hiking sticks help me a lot. I didn’t know about the hike when I booked my flights and I don’t think I can change them to allow me to take a big bag without paying lots. I’ll make do with what ever.

I leave Sunday around 10:30 for the airport. I have a 3:00 flight to Houston and then a couple hour layover before my flight to Costa Rica. I’ll spend the night in a hotel by the airport and then I have a flight Monday early afternoon to the town close to the retreat center I will be staying at. One of the other retreat participants will be staying at the same hotel and we will meet up Monday morning to go to the airport together.

I’m tired today. I took a short nap this morning before I went into exercise and feel like I could find more sleep quickly if I laid down again. I haven’t eaten very well this last 24 hours as my tummy is yelling at me. Hoping this is just a quick upset and that my tomorrow it will have settled down and I will feel better. Not a fun way to start a vacation.

Feeling a bit down and off today. I’m sure part of it is the disappointment in my builder. I will sit with this change and then decide what I want to do. I can always talk to a different builder if I still want to build. I am very happy in this house and might just decide to stay here. I could add a garage somehow and fix that problem. I have lots of choices and options. Just have to do a mental change of plans. No rush on any of it. The next step, if there is one, will present itself soon enough.

Grateful I saw the red flags and took the proper action, grateful tomorrow is a rest day, and grateful I love the house I am in.

Sophia did a bit better last night although she did bark. Kathy took her and Roxy into her bedroom and they were quiet the rest of the night.

I went to Emporia a little before noon today. It took 35 minutes to get to town today. I didn’t go past a flag man but traffic was very heavy with lots of semi trucks and I only hit 55 all the way to town. Coming home it was all clear and I made it home in 20 minutes for the first time all week.

I met my boys for lunch at Bruff’s. Tagen and Jason were both free to come to lunch. It is always a good day when I get to spend time with them. Tagen is almost done with his summer classes and so far has an A in every class he is taking. I am so proud of him. Jason had a client cancel so he was able to join me too.

After lunch I stopped at Walmart to get some big zip lock bags. It is to rain most days and I have to do a hike to get to a cave and waterfall. The backpack I am taking is not waterproof so needed some big zip lock bags to put my clothes in so they will stay dry.

Met with my builder at 2:00. I got the final bid for the house. It is way higher than I expected so am taking 24 hours to decide if I want to proceed, find a different builder or drop the idea all together. I am getting bad vibes from his guy. I swear he had quoted me a different number last I met with him and he swears not. Hmmm…. What to do?

Came home after I met with the builder and took a shower. I had skipped one this morning and for some reason felt like I needed one. It helped perk me up for a bit but am tired again now. I had a bit of trouble finding sleep again last night. May still go take a nap if I can find sleep.

Need to do my exercises sometime today. I forgot to do them Tuesday. I have to go back to Emporia tomorrow for exercise at 2:00. It will be good to have a week off from the gym next week. If I have good internet, I will do my exercises while on vacation. We shall see. I forgot to ask when I had my Zoom meeting with the trip leader if internet access was available.

Saturday I will stay home and pack. I finally make a packing list so all I will need to do is pull things out and throw them in a suitcase. I am only taking a carry on bag so will probably have to delete some things I would like to take. Still debating about my hiking boots. I have some hiking sandals that would work and would do better if they get wet. My hiking boots take up a lot of space. I do have to take a back pack so could put my hiking boots in the back pack along with my iPad. I will make a last minute decision about what to do.

Sunday I have a 3:00 flight so will need to leave here around 10:30. I don’t like to stress about time and would rather sit at the airport and extra hour. I am going to park at the airport so will need to catch a shuttle bus. I also have to check in at the front gate as I have an international flight and they have to do a passport check. One never knows how long the lines will be at the airport.

My least favorite part about traveling is the getting there and coming home part. I don’t like crowds and lines and airports seem to be full of people and long lines these days. I will suck it up and deal!

My tummy has been a bit loud today. Trusting it is excitement from the pending trip and nothing more. My gut tends to talk to me the loudest and lets me know when things are pending. Trusting it will settle down soon and give me issues while I am on vacation.

Three days to go and I will be on my way to Costa Rica. It will be good to have a change of scenery and to get away for a bit. Whatever happens will be an adventure for sure.

Sitting in a good place today even with the challenges of the day. I have been isolating too much and it felt good to spend time with the guys. It will do be good to be around people while on vacation. I’m so grateful our group is only four people, counting me. That number I can handle easily.

Grateful to get to have lunch with Tagen and Jason, grateful I have the bid for the new house, and grateful the trip will be here very soon.

Sophia had a rough night last night which means Kathy and I had a rough night last night. Not sure what is causing Sophia to bark during the night but I sure trust it will stop soon. I had just gotten to sleep around 2:00 when she started barking. It took me a bit to wake up enough to take her out.

She didn’t do anything outside except smell the ground and resist going where I wanted her to go on the leash. I brought her back in, she settled down just long enough for me to get to sleep again and the process repeated.

This time I took her out to her pen outside and left her there. She continued to bark outside which then caused Roxy to bark inside.

Kathy brought her back in after she got up this morning. Both dogs woke me up around 7:00 as they wanted to go out. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep last night. We left the dogs outside all day today hoping by the time we bring them in later this evening, they will be worn out and will sleep good tonight.

I was cranky when I went to town for exercise this morning. Sophia was hard to walk this morning when I took her on her morning walk. She finally did her business and I brought her back home and put her outside. Roxy behaved herself on her walk but didn’t do her business.

Exercise helped get rid of the crankiness. I got to town 30 minutes early so I left my car on and pushed the seat back and took a 25 minute nap. I’m grateful I set the alarm on my phone as I actually fell asleep. Exercise was fairly easy and the time went by quickly. I didn’t go to the Chiropractor before exercise, I decided a 25 minute nap would do more good for myself than the Chiropractor would. I will try to remember to stop at the Chiropractor Friday after exercise.

I went to McDonald’s and had lunch and then sat in the parking lot of McDonald’s so I had good internet for my Zoom call. It was led by the woman that is leading the retreat I am going to in Costa Rica. It was only for 30 minutes and went by quickly. Not sure I learned too much other than we are doing two medicine sessions, one in the cave on top of a mountain and the other on the retreat grounds. They have people that will come to us for a massage and I signed up for two of those.

There are only going to be four women on this retreat, including the leader. Two look to be in their 30’s – 40’s and the other two of us look to be in their 70’s. Sounds like most of the time will be chill time. We have a private chef who will be preparing our meals. The leader did warn us it will be very hot and we will be encountering lots of rain. It will be a good time to slow things way down and relax into the beauty of the rain forest and Mother Earth. Our leader did remind us that time will have a different feeling and rhythm to it in Costa Rica and it will help us slow down and allow things to unfold in perfect time.

I went to Walmart after the Zoom call and picked up the last few things I need for the trip. Traffic was heavy coming home. I pulled off on V Rd and went south and missed the mile long traffic backup. I took a nap when I got home and got a bit more sleep.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my house builder at 2:00. I need to stop at the Vet office afterwards and pick up some flea and tic medication for the two dogs and cat. I’ll have to fight the traffic again tomorrow. Friday I have to go back to Emporia for one more exercise session before I leave on vacation Sunday.

The tree guy did not show up today. His equipment is still here so not sure what the deal is for him. If he wants to get paid before I leave on vacation, he better show up tomorrow or Friday. If he would call and let me know what he is doing, I could tell him that.

I do need to remember to stop at an ATM machine and get some cash for the trip. I learned today that they will take American dollars and most places take credit card but I will need cash for the massages and the farmer’s market that we will be stopping at.

I don’t think I have fully stepped into believing the trip to Costa Rica is only days away. I’m excited about going but for some reason the excitement is not full yet. I’m sure by Sunday I will be excited about leaving.

I am to journal between now and Monday my intentions for the trip. The leader said it will help the plant medicine be more powerful if we are clear on our intentions. I just know that this trip called to me and that it is what I feel deeply in my bones I am to do. I’ll do some writing around it and see if something a bit more substantial will raise to my consciousness.

When I travel, I do better knowing few details about what to expect. As long as I know I have a bed to sleep in and tickets to get there, the rest is better for me to discover as it presents itself. It helps me stay in the moment as things unfold. Going to Costa Rica was on my 70 things to do before I turn 70 list. I’m a year late going, but am getting there!

I definitely dropped below neutral this morning when I had to get up very sleep deprived. Exercise helped me get back above neutral. The nap when I got home helped too. Sure trusting tonight will be a better night for the dogs – and me!

Grateful for naps, grateful I have the last few things I needed for the trip, and grateful exercise helps me move from below neutral to above.

Happy birthday to my oldest brother Gene. He turns 75 today. Oh my, we are all getting old!

I was trying to sleep until 7:45 but the dogs decided they wanted to go out. I got up and showered and then took them out to their pen and then took them one by one on walks. Sophia did her business but Roxy never did.

I heard some noise in the yard this morning and looked out the windows and saw the tree guy out there working. I needed to get on the road so didn’t go talk to him hoping I would see him when I got home. He had left by the time I got home but left equipment so am assuming he will be back soon. Not sure why he can’t let me know about his comings and goings but guess I really don’t need to know.

I went to Wichita to the foot surgeon today. My second toe is lapping over the big toe and causing the big toe to feel like it has an ingrown toenail. They took three x-rays but he didn’t mention the results of them. He showed me two different toe spacers to order from Amazon. One I had tried before with limited and mixed results. I ordered the other one when I got home. The only real fix is surgery and not sure I am ready for that. If it gets to that point, he said to call him and he will put me on his surgery schedule.

The best part of the day is after I left the surgeon’s office, I went to see my Aunt Marylyn. I got there a little before noon and told her I needed to leave around 1:00 so I could get home to talk to the tree guy. Three hours later I finally headed home. We had a wonderful visit and caught each other up on our families. She only had two children but has six grandchildren and lots of great grandchildren. For being 88 she is amazing and still lives alone and takes care of herself. Spending time with her is almost like having my mother come for a visit.

I stopped after I left her place and had lunch and then headed home. Traffic on Highway 50 is hard to pass. I hit a couple road construction zones that slowed me down. I went to Wichita via the Turnpike and probably should have come home that way. It felt faster to me going than coming home.

Wednesday I have to be in Emporia at noon for exercise. Depending on how long it takes to get to town I will attempt to go to the Chiropractor before exercise. He closes between 1:00 and 3:00 for lunch so if I don’t get there before I can’t go afterwards. I have a zoom call at 1:30 so will find someplace in town to sit and take that call as I can’t be sure I will be home by 1:30 and I drop calls between home and Emporia. I have a few things I need to pick up at Walmart so will try to make myself get those things tomorrow too.

Thursday I am meeting with my house builder at 2:00 to get the final estimates and floor plan. Not sure what happens after that as he hasn’t met any of his projected time tables yet. Last I heard he was going to plan on starting the foundation in August but I will believe that when I see it.

Friday I have to go back to town for exercise at 2:00 and to stop at the Vet’s office and get the dogs and cat their quarterly drug fix. If I miss the Chiropractor Wednesday I can stop in Friday afternoon.

Saturday I will pack and I leave Sunday for my trip to Costa Rica. The call I have tomorrow is with the leader of the retreat telling us what to bring, etc. She sent pictures of the waterfall and cave we will be hiking to and spending one night at. It looks absolutely amazing. It is a three hour hike up a mountain to get to it. I think I can, I think I can!

It has been a fun day since I got to spend time with Aunt Marylyn. It made the trip to Wichita worth it. I had kinda expected that the foot doctor wouldn’t have much to offer but I wanted to give it a chance. I’m excited that maybe the tree guy will finish up this week and the house builder will start pushing things forward. Things do eventually get taken care of – just not always on my timeline.

Sitting in a good head space today. I didn’t get drained today going to Wichita and I will take that as progress. I am watching my energy levels and attempting to get as full as possible before I leave on vacation Sunday. Hoping I will get lots of down time in Costa Rica so I can keep myself full while I am there.

Grateful for Aung Marylyn and all the love she shares with me, grateful Amazon had what the doctor recommended and grateful for a safe trip to and from Wichita.

Had trouble falling asleep last night but once I got to sleep, I got some good sleep. I was not ready to get up this morning but the dogs needed to go out. They did their business and then I walked them one by one until they did their other business. It was hot out even earlier this morning.

I went to town at noon for my 1:00 exercises. My trainer needed to move it to 1:00 today instead of 2:00. Took me 40 minutes to get to Emporia today. I got stopped by a train in Strong City and then the road construction.

I had 15 minutes extra so went to the sporting goods store at the mall and got a rain jacket and small backpack for my trip. The leader of the retreat recommended we bring those two items. I guess it is rainy season in Costa Rica and she said we will be getting wet a lot.

Went to exercise and did my 49 minutes of exercise. Felt like I got a bit of a workout today but they are never very strenuous. Decided not to stop at Walmart today – it was too hot to get in and out of the car. Came back home. I stopped at the Mexican restaurant on the highway at Strong City and got lunch and then came home.

I was still tired so took a nap. I’m still tired but the nap helped a bit.

Have had low blood pressure for some reason today. I am trying to drink extra this afternoon to see if that will help. This happens occasionally to me. My ears are plugged up and I don’t feel stable on my feet today.

My house builder sent me an email today and wants to meet with me later this week. I guess he has the estimates and contract ready to present. I let him know when I could meet with him but haven’t heard back from him yet. Maybe I will have a signed contract before I leave on vacation.

It showed 102 on my car temperature when I came out of exercise. That is too hot for me! There is a wind today but it feels hot and not very cooling. Kathy had the dogs inside when I got home this afternoon around 3:00. Their tongues were busy today trying to help them stay cool.

Tomorrow I have to be at the foot doctor in Wichita at 10:45 for my 11:00 appointment. Not sure he will be able to do anything about my toes but it doesn’t hurt to ask. The second toe crosses over my big toe and makes the big toe feel like I have an ingrown toe nail. I use a rubber toe spreader thingy and that helps but I have to be careful with it as it can shift and causes blisters.

After my doctor appointment I want to call my aunt and see if she is going to be home. If so, I will stop and visit with her for a bit. It is hard to not spend at least an hour with her as she does like to visit. I don’t have anything else to do tomorrow so I can stay for a bit.

Wednesday the leader of the retreat I am going to in Costa Rica is hosting a Zoom call to answer any questions we have about the trip. She never did send us a letter of what to take. The Zoom call is at 1:30. I get out of exercise at 1:00 so will go find a cool place to sit and take the call while I am still in Emporia. With the road construction I don’t think I will have time to get home before the call starts and I usually drop calls between Cottonwood Falls and Emporia.

Unless the house builder wants to meet on Thursday, I will get to stay home all day Thursday. Friday I go back to Emporia for exercise. Saturday I will pack and do all my last minute stuff and Sunday I leave for Costa Rica.

Haven’t decided if I am going to leave my car at Nicole’s and take an Uber to the airport or if I will just drive to the airport and park there. It is cheaper to take an Uber than to pay the outrageous airport parking fees. But my flight gets in late when I return and it would be easier to go to my car at the airport than to catch an Uber and then go to Nicole’s house.

I need to get my brother’s birthday package mailed tomorrow. It will be late arriving as tomorrow is his birthday. Better late than never? Can’t seem to get my act together to do things on time these days.

Still able to hold myself above neutral all day but barely. I can tell I dropped today being around people and going through the heavy traffic at the construction zone. Hoping the trip tomorrow won’t have so much construction and will go a bit easier.

Grateful the house builder reached out today, grateful the sporting goods store had what I needed today, and grateful for an afternoon nap.

I got more sleep last night than I did all week. Felt good to sleep lots. Wish it would happen more often.

I have taken another day at home of doing nothing. I feel fuller than I have for a long time. My soul needed two days of rest and quiet.

I fixed a meal loaf and broccoli for dinner. I hadn’t had a home cooked meal for a long time and had thawed some hamburger yesterday. I need to remember to cook more often.

I have binged watched ER all afternoon. I can’t remember how many seasons there are. I am on Season 4. It is surprising how many of the episodes I remember.

Tomorrow I have to go to Emporia for exercise at 2:00. I may stop and picked up a few groceries. I didn’t get any last week and need some basics.

A week from today I go to Costa Rica. Still haven’t make my packing list. Guess I better get that done before I go to town tomorrow so I can pick up anything I need. I am so looking forward to this trip.

Sitting in a good place tonight. I have been able to hold myself above the neutral level all day. Now to keep it there when I go to town tomorrow.

Grateful for lots of sleep last night, grateful for a home cooked meal today, and grateful for another rest day.

A lazy day today. I didn’t leave the house except to walk the dogs a couple of times. It is hot outside and we didn’t walk too far either time. I can’t imagine how hot it is going to be in July and August.

I am watching the old TV show ER. I started a couple weeks ago and am only on season three. They did lots more shows per year back then. The show is as good as I remember it being from days long gone by. I don’t think they make TV like they used to. Man, I must be getting old!

No plans for tomorrow either. I am hoping to take another rest day and work on refilling myself. I have needed a quiet weekend for a bit.

Next week is going to be fairly quiet. I do have to go to Wichita for a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday to have my foot looked at. I hope to go visit my aunt while I am in Wichita as I forgot to do that last time I was in town. Other than that appointment I only have to go to Emporia three times next week for exercise.

A week from tomorrow I leave for Costa Rica. Wow. That is sneaking up on me fast. It will be good to have a change of scenery for a little over a week. I am looking forward to this retreat. The timing of it is perfect for me. I have been doing lots of inner work lately and am ready for a new perspective.

Sitting in a better head space tonight than I have been lately. Staying home for a quiet day helps restore my soul. I have managed to embrace the empty space time today and enjoy it. I will take that as a sign of progress at last.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful for Netflix and old ER shows, and grateful for my A/C.

This day started with a quiet day at home. Kathy had to go to town so I had the dogs, cats and house to myself this morning. I took the dogs on a short walk together but it didn’t go well. I put them in their pen outside and took Sophia by herself. She was a bit stubborn this morning but did her business and we came home. Roxy declined my offer of a walk.

I went to town for exercise. There is road construction on Highway 50 and it is hard to know how long it will take to get to town right now. I left at 1:00. I got stopped by a train in Strong City and then stopped again for the road construction. It took me 45 minutes to make a drive that normally takes 20.

I did 45 minutes of exercise. It wasn’t very challenging this week and didn’t feel like I got a very good workout. Went to the Chiropractor afterwards. There was no wait today and he apologized for the delay Wednesday. Stopped and got lunch and then came home. It took about 30 minutes to get home today.

I have an on-line workshop that I am going to watch at 6:00 tonight. It is to last about 90 minutes and is on boundaries. I am hoping it isn’t the same content as the last class this instructor did. Guess if it is I can drop out.

Last night for my exercise I rode my stationary bike for 14 minutes instead of doing my stretches. I needed a bit more movement for my body and riding the bike scratched that itch for me. I was surprised I was able to go for 14 minutes as I hadn’t been on it for a long time. I read a book and the time went quickly. Maybe I can start riding again daily. It is getting too hot for me to walk much outside right now unless I happen to get up early and go.

No plans for the weekend. I may get two stay at home days back to back. That will be good for my soul. Still struggling with refilling and being able to hold my light. I came home from town feeling very drained this afternoon. When I left I was fairly full.

Things feel like I am on a pause for the moment. I don’t want to start anything new until I come back from vacation. There isn’t much on my calendar or on my to-do list right now. I will continue to sit in this empty space and allow my body, mind and spirit to settle and become one again. Trusting when I get back from vacation on July 8 I will then be ready to pick up something new and attempt to rejoin the world.

Grateful I left home early to get to exercise and I made it on time, grateful for two stay at home days ahead for me, and grateful I got back on my bike last night.

Got to have a stay at home day today. I didn’t do much and took a day of rest. It was good for my soul. Today was much easier than yesterday for me and I was able to get regulated and hold it for most of the day.

It was another hot day with temperatures in the low 90’s. Sure wonder how hot it is going to be in July and August with it this hot already.

We had our Solstice Ceremony this evening. We worked with the chart of consciousness and learning the types of things that pull us below neutral. We did an exercise that helped us find where we hold the energy of the feeling in our bodies when we fall below and learned some ways of helping it release.

I love this group of people that gather. I believe that if everyone had a safe group like this to gather with on a regular basis the world would be a much better place for all of us.

Tomorrow I have to go to town for exercise at 2:00. They are doing road construction on Highway 50 leading into Emporia. Not sure how early I need to leave in order to get to exercise on time. I hear the wait times can be up to 30 minutes if you catch it at the wrong time. If I remember after I get done with exercise I will go to the Chiropractor and get adjusted. I had to miss my time Wednesday as his office was too busy and I ran out of time to wait. He goes to lunch between 1:00 and 3:00 so I can’t go before exercise tomorrow.

No plans for the weekend. It will be good to stay home again for two days in a row. I am running on low and need more time home alone to get filled up again.

Yesterday I went about as low as I have gone for a long time. When I was finally able to name and claim what I was feeling I was able to release it and start to climb out of the rabbit hole I had fallen into. I had to give myself permission to grieve and release it.

Next week I have to go to Wichita Tuesday for a foot doctor appointment. My left foot has been bothering me. The second toe crosses over the big toe and makes the big toe feel like it has an ingrown toenail which it does not. Not sure the doctor can do anything about it but thought I would see what he has to say. I am seeing the doctor that did the four foot surgeries I had a couple years ago.

I leave for Costa Rica a week from Sunday. Oh my, that is coming up quick. Before I go to Wichita I will check and make sure I have everything I need and if not will take advantage of being in the big city and stop and get what I need.

When I get back from my vacation, I need to figure out what I am going to pick up to keep myself busy. I do better when I have a few things on my calendar each week. I love empty space but too much empty space is not good for me. Finding a good balance can be a challenge for me but I need to dip my toes in the water and start pulling some things in.

I am in a much better space than I was yesterday. I wasn’t sure I would be able to facilitate the group tonight yesterday but I think it went well tonight and am grateful I was able to host the group. Trusting the roller coaster ride I have been on lately will start to slow down and I will be able to stay regulated for a bit. Life sure is easier and more fun when I am regulated.

Grateful for my group of friends and their wisdom, grateful to be on the other side of the chart of consciousness tonight, and grateful for my teachers.

This has been another hard day at times. Not sure what is behind all these hard feelings that are coming up. Assuming it is grief with many heads. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster and never know when a drop is ahead of me. I feel like I come up for air and then the bottom drops out again.

Went to Emporia at noon for exercise. I went in early and stopped by my Chiropractor’s office but he was backed up and there were three more people waiting before me. I waited for about 15 minutes but ran out of time. I had to be at exercise at noon and couldn’t wait any longer.

I like not having to have an appointment to see him, but there are times when the timing doesn’t work. If this happens again, I will stop going. I’m not sure that the adjustments are doing any good anyways so not sure it is worth the $59 a month I am paying. We will see where this goes. I know better than to make quick decisions when I am unregulated so will wait until I can hold myself above neutral before I make a final decision.

Exercise was OK. We are repeating sessions that I did when I first started. I don’t remember doing them. This week was another fairly easy week and one where I’m not sure I am getting much of a workout. The time went fairly quickly. I wasn’t in a mood to visit today so most of the time was spent in silence.

Took Ellexia out to lunch at Bruff’s afterwards. It is always a good time to spend time with one of my grandchildren. She was fairly quiet today too. I took her home after we had our lunch together.

Stopped at Walmart and got the things that were on my list. I didn’t need any groceries this week so only got the prescription that was ready and a couple of other things. Quick stop in the store and then I came home.

I took a bit of a nap when I got home. I didn’t sleep very deeply but needed to lay down and rest. Had very little to no energy this afternoon. Felt a bit better when I got up but haven’t felt like doing much.

Took Sophia for a mile walk. Both dogs were restless all afternoon. We took them out to their pen and they barked. Finally took Sophia on her walk and they have both settled down since. Not sure what their problem was today. They usually don’t behave like that.

Ran into the lady that had a problem with my neighbor’s dogs yesterday. Her dog had a bite mark on her back from the encounter yesterday. It is a bit scary having those dogs across the street knowing they attack other dogs. So far they haven’t come after my dogs. Trust that will continue.

Tomorrow is our Summer Solstice celebration. I am considering cancelling it. Not sure I have enough in my tank to lead the ceremony. I will make a decision tomorrow afternoon and go from there. I am running on very low energy right now and leading the ceremony takes a bit of energy. Just can’t seem to get refilled and then hold my energy for very long.

I’m sure part of this is the let down from all I had to do earlier this year. I pushed myself beyond my limits earlier and I feel like I am paying the price for that now. Part of it is the grief of losing Craig and my two dear aunts. Grief has a way of waiting for me to acknowledge it. It feels lonely and hard and raw right now. Giving myself grace and allowing the hard feelings to be heard and released. Not an easy thing to do but it is the only way I know through this path. It will release and lighten when it is ready.

Today was a rainy, cloudy day. I enjoyed the break from the heat although it was humid out. Areas around us got up to five inches of rain again. We didn’t get near that much but when Sophia and I walked down to the river I could tell the river was rising again.

No plans for the weekend. I only have 11 days left before I leave for Costa Rica. I picked up a few things I needed today. Maybe this weekend I will make a packing list and make sure I have all that I need. It will be so good to get away and change my environment for a bit. The retreat I am going on is a healing retreat and feels like it is just what I need right now. So grateful I listened to my soul a couple months ago and signed up for the retreat. A change of scenery can do wonders for me.

Tomorrow may be a better day. I never quite know what to expect and do my best to allow whatever shows up for me. I know this hard, dark path won’t last forever even when it feels like it might. This last couple of weeks has been unusually hard for me. This hasn’t happened for some time so maybe I was overdue. Stashing emotion doesn’t work well for me and I am paying the price for having done that. I am grateful the emotion is welling up and coming out. Better this way then to cause a problem in my body later on.

Grateful for exercise and the temporary relief it brings to me, grateful for the walk with Sophia tonight, and grateful that this too shall pass.

Went to Florence with a dear friend and had fried tacos at the Branding Iron. We should have shared a plate as they give you two BIG tacos. We each brought one home.

I had a deep conversation with my friend – soul food for me! I so love lunches like this with someone that I can go deep with. I came home feeling better than I have for a bit.

I have done two loads of laundry today but other than that it has been a lazy day. I tried to take the dogs for a walk when I got home from lunch but they just wanted to come in where it is cool and take a long afternoon nap. I will attempt to take them out later.

The old shop that was on my property went away this morning. I heard some machinery going and went outside to see what was going on. Two guys and a kid were out there loading it on a trailer. The kid, who told me he was ten years old, was running the machine that was lifting the shop up. I was so impressed with his skills.

While they guys were working the Sheriff stopped to talked to them. The Sheriff was a bit concerned about them hauling the shop down the highway today with the winds being 45 MPH. The Sheriff asked the kid for his driver’s license! He then said he liked seeing kids helping their parents and doing a man’s job.

The guys that took the shop are not the guy that I told that they could have the shop. Sure hope it went to the right people. They never did call me to tell me they were taking it nor did the guys that took it thank me for the shop. Maybe they were hauling it to the guy that I said could have it. Curious minds want to know! Oh well, it is gone and that is all I care about.

This morning I heard a commotion outside and went out to see what was going on. A lady that walks her two dogs with one on a leash and the other walking free, had walked by my neighbor’s house and one of my neighbor’s dogs jumped the fence and the dogs got into it. The lady used the leash to chase the dog away.

She reported it to the Sheriff and the Sheriff asked me about it while he was here. The neighbor’s dogs get out often as the fence is a normal sized chain link fence and they can jump over it. While I was talking to the Sheriff, I told him about the other neighbor’s dogs that have attacked me twice as I was walking the dogs. He told me to call him next time and he would issue a warning. The second time he gets a complaint about the same dogs, he issues tickets. He said he is trying to crack down on dogs running free and needs people to report them so he can help solve the issue.

A windy day sure feels different in town than it did on the hill. I can see the trees moving and can feel a breeze when I go outside but it sure doesn’t feel like it is very windy. We did notice it when we got on the highway and out in the open. Sure are a lot of tree limbs down all around and even in Florence.

Tomorrow I need to go to Emporia at noon for exercise. I have a short list of things I need from Walmart so hoping I can stop and get those things. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t make myself go in that store. I don’t think I need many groceries and what is on my list can wait if needed.

Sitting in a better head space today. I am gradually climbing out of the rabbit hole that I fell into late last week. Sometimes you have to go low to be able to go high again. Sure like being high better than the low but how would I know high if I didn’t know low? My mentor once told me the lower I can go, the higher I get to climb.

Grateful for lunch with a dear friend, grateful for climbing out of the rabbit hole, and grateful the shop is gone.

Another hot late spring day. It is cooling down a bit this evening. I just took Sophia on a walk and was surprised that the breeze felt cool. I wonder how hot summer is going to be this year with it this hot in June.

Had trouble finding sleep again last night. Not sure I got more than four hours of sleep and most of that came after 5:00 this morning. The dogs woke me up this morning and I had to take them out to pee. I tried to go back to sleep after that but had no success.

The rug I have in the living room wasn’t laid out properly and it was driving me crazy. I decided to fit that this morning. It is a very heavy rug and not easy to maneuver. I got it done though. I moved the TV so I could see it better from my chair but I don’t like how it makes the room look now. Need to decide if I need to rearrange the living room or just live with it like it is. I’m not very good at arranging furniture.

I heard some noises outside this morning and looked out the window to see what was going on. The guys that are taking the old shop were out there preparing to take it away. Evidently they are attempting to take the thing whole and will repurpose it. They got it lifted some today but haven’t come back to finish up. They didn’t let me know they were coming today. Oh well, as long as it goes away all is good.

Went to exercise at 2:00. Felt like I got a better workout than I got last week but it wasn’t a hard one by any means. The 45 minutes went fairly quickly and it was over before I knew it. I like when that happens.

Stopped and got some lunch and then came home. I need to make a Walmart run but today wasn’t the day for me to do that.

Came home and took a two hour nap. I will take sleep whenever I can find it these days. I may not sleep tonight but I may not sleep even if I didn’t take a nap. Don’t feel rested by any means but it did knock the rough edge off.

I’m in a bit better place today than I was yesterday. Still not as regulated as I would like to be but have been able to get there today, even if I couldn’t hold it for very long. Grief takes you on an unpredictable journey and sometimes all I can do is fasten my seat belt and hang on for the ride. I am finding it isn’t something I have any control over at all.

Tomorrow I am meeting a friend for lunch. That will do my soul good. When my journey gets rough, I tend to isolate and sometimes that isn’t in my best and highest interest. However, when I am struggling I don’t like to let others to have to deal with me.

The rest of the week is quiet. My trainer was going to go on vacation and I was going to do exercises at home on Wednesday but she had to change her plans as one of her children needs surgery on Thursday. I was looking forward to having both Wednesday and Thursday as stay at home days but guess I will be going to town on Wednesday as normal.

I have less than two weeks before I go to Costa Rica. I need to get serious about making a list and making sure I have what I need to take with me. I ordered a swim suit on-line and it came in today. I haven’t opened the package yet and tried it on so need to do that to make sure it will work. I still have time to get another one if it doesn’t fit.

The timing of this trip is excellent. I need to change my scenery for a bit and get out of my normal routine. This trip will fit that bill nicely and provide me with some guidance too. I enjoy spending time with the leader of the retreat and am sure she will help me open internally and find some things that I am carrying that need to be put down.

Grateful for a cooler evening today, grateful I got the living room rug repositioned, and grateful for a better day today.

Happy Father’s Day to my daddy. Even though he has been gone for 24 yers, I miss him and his physical presence in my life. He continues to guide me and help me when I need it the most.

This is my kids first Father’s Day without Craig. It has been a hard day for all of us. The grief is still fresh and hard and his presence is very much missed. I missed texting Craig today and thanking him for being such an awesome father to my kids.

I haven’t done much today. It has been a hard, emotional day and things felt hard today. I knew better than to attempt to do anything as I knew it wouldn’t go easy, My TV disconnected from the internet and it was all I could do to reconnect it. I got it done but…….

The empty space today has felt heavy. I heard the inner voice pushing me to do, do do today. I had nothing on my to-do list to do and couldn’t think of anything to do. I had an inner struggle going all day long. Haven’t experienced that for a bit.

When I zoom out and observe myself, I know grief is finally breaking through and coming out. When that happens, my logical brain stops functioning and it is hard to turn down the inner critic. It helps to write this out and see it for what it was.

One of those days, they happen! The good news is tomorrow will be here soon enough and holds new possibilities and potential.

Grateful for the life and love of my daddy, grateful for the life and love of Craig and grateful tomorrow is a new day.

Had trouble finding sleep again last night. Didn’t fall asleep and stay asleep until about 6:00 this morning. Sure makes for a long night when I do that.

I did three loads of laundry today and managed to get it all folded and put away. Even washed the sheets on my bed and have the bed made. Other than that, I have done absolutely nothing. I decided the best way to get myself above the neutral level was to take a day and rest, read, and relax. So far, it is working.

I need to go get some gas for the lawn mower. Kathy was ambitious today and push mowed the yard. We are out of gas so I need to refill the tank. She had enough to get done so no rush to get it refilled.

I also need ice so will go get ice and gas either tonight or tomorrow. Luckily the gas station at Strong City sells both so I won’t have to go to Emporia. I refuse to buy gas at Casey’s as they put a big hold on my debit card for five days.

We are in a severe thunderstorm watch but I don’t think the storm is going to come this way. I keep checking radar and making sure it hasn’t changed directions. It sure is hot and humid out.

I went out mid-afternoon to take the dogs on a short walk so they could potty. Neither one was interested in that – all they wanted was to come inside. They came in and sacked out and slept hard for a couple of hours. They must stay on alert the whole time they are in the fenced area as they come in acting very worn out. When it cools down this evening, I will take them each for a long walk. It is too hot to do so now.

Feels good to take a lazy day and not attempt to do anything. It is good for my soul to be for a day and allow that to be enough for the day.

Grateful for a day of rest, grateful for A/C this hot afternoon, and grateful Kathy mowed the yard today.

Took the dogs on their walk one by one this morning. Roxy was not in a good mood this morning and fought me the whole walk. I ended up dragging her home. Not sure what her problem was but it was not a fun walk for either of us. Sophia did much better and tried to drag me a couple of times.

There are a lot of tree limbs down in my neighborhood. We must have had some high winds last night. A couple houses north of me there is a tree on top of a car. The car didn’t fare too well as both the front and back windows are broken as well as the sun roof. There is a limb sticking out the back window.

The city of Cottonwood Falls sent a big truck around this morning and a crew were picking up the big stuff. I could hear chain saws most all morning as people attempted to clean up.

I picked up a few branches out of my yard and put them on my big burn pile. I am grateful the tree guy has been working in my yard and got things cut down already. He hasn’t been back for a week or so but he can’t get his heavy equipment on my yard when it is wet. We got lots of rain again last night so I doubt that he will be back until mid-week next week.

I went to exercise at 2:00; This week has been a hard video to do. The lady that leads this week talked way more than we actually exercised. We did stretches using a towel. The second and third time through the video I started doing the stretches while she talked so I could get a bit of a work out in. Some weeks are easier than others but this one was hardly a workout at all. It felt like a waste of time as we didn’t do much exercise. That felt harder to me than the ones where they really work me.

I have struggled to stay above the neutral level today. Not sure why I am cranky today but I am. I got sleep last night but have felt tired all day. I should have gone back to bed this morning after I walked the dogs. Just one of those days I guess. I was hoping exercise would help me get regulated today but it didn’t do much for me today.

I took the band-aide off my skin tag removal site this morning and forgot to put another one on. I kinda forgot about them all day until Kathy asked how they were dong. There are two little black spots where the skin tags used to be. They didn’t bother me during exercise today. They must be doing OK since I don’t notice them.

No plans for the weekend as far as I know. I trust I will get two stay at home days and get myself filled up again. I feel really drained and empty today. I took a trip to Wichita Tuesday and then Topeka yesterday. It must have done me in.

My builder’s secretary emailed me today to see where we are in the process. Funny she didn’t know and had to ask me. I told her the ball is in their court and I am waiting for a final estimate and contract. Wonder how long it will take them to get back to me. Beginning to wonder if I chose the right builder.

I have been paying more attention to the things that trigger me and attempting to identify the emotion behind them. Sometimes it is easy for me to do that and sometimes it eludes me completely. I find it fascinating to observe how my brain works and the patterns it runs. Reprogramming my brain is hard work sometimes! The brain loves repeating patterns and it takes lots of conscious awareness to interrupt those patterns and allow for different possibilities.

At some level I understand the issues I have been working on are issues that I will continue to work on this lifetime. Sometimes I spiral out and sometimes I slide back down and have to repeat the lesson. I feel like the last couple weeks I have slide back down and am struggling to get back to the level I was a bit ago. Such is life. Up, down, round, up, down, and on it goes. Experiencing the whole range of emotions is good for the soul although not always pleasant to go through.

Grateful I didn’t have much tree damage during the storm last night, grateful the skin tag removed process is healing quickly, and grateful for new learnings about how my brain works.

After a night of very little to no sleep, I got up at 6:30 so I could walk the dogs before I had to leave at 7:30 to go to Emporia. It was muggy and icky out that early this morning.

I got to Emporia at 8:00 for my 8:15 doctor’s appointment. I got called back around 8:15. The doctor cut off two skin tags in my right armpit that had gotten angry and were bothering me. He injected me with numbing medication and attempted to cut one off but it wasn’t numb enough so he put some more medication in. He then got both of them cut off with no pain. He had to use the zapper to stop the bleeding on both of them. The nurse put a big band-aide on the site and I was done.

I have to keep it dry and covered for 24 hours and then apply Neosporin three or four times a day and keep them covered until they heal. I can take a bath tonight as long as I don’t get the area wet. I can shower in the morning but I need to keep the water from hitting the wound directly.

They haven’t bothered me today so am hoping they will heal easily and in a couple of days I can forget they were ever there.

After I was done I texted both Jason and Tagen to see if they wanted to meet me at Commercial Street Diner for breakfast. Tagen is going to the Royal’s game today and was busy getting ready but Jason met me and we enjoyed breakfast together. It is always a good day when I get to spend some one-on-one time with one of my kids.

Came home after breakfast and laid down for an hour to try to get a nap. Not sure I slept very much but felt a bit more rested when I got up.

I had to leave at 11:30 to drive to Topeka for a Cardiologist appointment. I saw a Nurse Practitioner today for the first time with this doctor. I liked her and we had a fun discussion about parenting. My Cardiologist is the proud parent of twins that are turning one this week. Last time I saw him they had just been born and he was terrified. The NP said he is still terrified and a very nervous parent.

They did an EKG and ordered a heart monitor for me to wear for two weeks. She agreed I could wait to put it on after I return from Costa Rica. I don’t want to mess with it while I am on vacation. They have to get insurance permission and that can take a week or more.

I don’t think we talked about my heart very much during the appointment. We got to talking about travel and parenting and skipped right over my heart.

Came home afterwards. I need to get a swim suit for my trip but today wasn’t the day for me to do that. I stopped at the Dollar General and got some big band-aides and some Neosporin to treat my wound and then came home. It is 96 out today and too hot to be out and about.

Sometime this evening I need to do my 15 minutes of exercise. I don’t think it will bother my armpit to do them. If it does, I will substitute a different stretch. I will do the same tomorrow when I go for exercise. By next week I should be good to go without worry.

Tomorrow I have to be in Emporia at 2:00 for exercise and may stop and see if I can find a swim suit then. I have to be in the right mood for that little shopping experience so we shall see what happens.

So far I don’t have anything on my calendar for the weekend. Hoping I get two stay at home days back to back but we shall see if that can happen.

We are in the path for some severe storms this evening. The storm certainly has some heat to work with. Trusting they won’t do any damage.

Next week is so far looking quiet for me. I am meeting a friend for lunch on Tuesday but other than that the only other things I have on my calendar is exercise three days in Emporia. Not sure what I will do with my empty space. My to-do list is empty right now which feels good. I can always find something to clean if the mood strikes.

My trip to Costa Rica will be here before I know it. I leave June 30 so only have a little over two weeks. It will be good for me to get out of my normal routine and have a new experience for a week. I do need to put together a packing list and make sure I have everything I want to take.

The new A/C at this house is working well. I’m so grateful I got that put in before this heat hit. It is keeping every room in the house nice and cool. I will be curious to know what my electric bill will be with using the A/C 24/7. The other house had solar and the electric bill in the summer time was rarely over the minimum charge of $38.

I was able to stay regulated today while I was in town both times. That kinda surprised me as I didn’t get much, if any sleep last night. I think I would have gotten into trouble though if I had decided to go shopping today in Topeka. I am just above the neutral level and I need to be several steps above neutral to handle a shopping experience.

Grateful the skin tags in my armpit are gone, grateful for a safe trip to and back from Topeka, and grateful I got to have breakfast with Jason.

Busy day in Emporia today. I went in at 11:00 to go to my Chiropractor for my weekly adjustment. I didn’t have to wait for him at all today. After the adjustment I had 25 minutes to spare so stopped by the Clinic to get my TSH levels checked. Unfortunately the lab was backed up and it took all 25 minutes plus five to get out of there.

I got to exercise five minutes late. My trainer was ready for me when I got there so got in and did my 50 minutes of exercise and got out of there.

Met with a couple at 1:15 to help them with a tax issue. They forgot some of the papers we needed so they went home to get those and came back. A session that I thought would take 15 minutes ended up taking over two hours. Found a program IRS offers that might help them out of a pickle they are in. Took a bit to gather all the information needed to get that form filled out and ready for them to mail.

Stopped by Walmart and picked up a couple of things and then headed for the hills. A friend had a happy hour today and I stopped and went to that. Ended up staying two hours. We sat outside in the shade and enjoyed the country, company, wine and food. I needed some relaxation after my busy time in town.

Got the TSH results back and they are back under 4. Still a bit higher but about two points lower than they were four weeks ago. I doubt that the doctor will change my dosage of medication. I will have them rechecked again in 6 – 8 weeks and see where they are.

I am ready for bed but it is only 7:30. I doubt that I stay up very late tonight. I have to be in Emporia by 8:00 in the morning so will have to get up and get moving early tomorrow. My family doctor is going to remove a skin tag that is under my arm. It swelled up and is tender to touch. Don’t think it should take too long to get that little procedure done.

I have to be in Topeka at the Cardiologist at 1:00 tomorrow afternoon. I have two stops I want to make in Topeka since I will be there so will either go a bit early or take care of them afterwards.

Friday I have to go back to Emporia for exercises in the afternoon. Hoping this weekend I get to stay home all weekend but we shall see what happens.

Still haven’t received the tax coupons my accountant mailed almost two weeks ago. Grateful I had them make duplicates and got them taken care of earlier this week. Not sure what is up with the mail these days but it sure can be slow at times.

Felt good to be in service today. However the situation this couple that I worked with is in is depressing and heartbreaking. Not sure how they survive and keep on going. They are going to attempt to move within the next month and they are hoping that will lead to an easier life for them. I wish them all the best and trust things will break in their favor soon.

Seeing poverty face to face sure makes me grateful for all life has given me. There but for the grace of God goes I. At one point in my life I was in deep poverty and managed to work my way out of it. I had the support of a family though and to tell the truth, I never felt as poor as I was. I always managed to have food to eat and a house to live in with running water and electricity. That is more than this couple has.

I am really tired tonight. I had trouble finding sleep last night and didn’t go to sleep until well after 3:00 this morning. I might call it an early night and go to bed before the sun does tonight.

Sitting in a good head space tonight. I was able to stay regulated while I was in Emporia today. My tank feels a bit low this evening but I am not empty. I will take that as a sign of progress.

Grateful for a comfortable house with A/C and electricity and water tonight, grateful for a cabinet and refrigerator stocked with food, and grateful for friends to meet with.

Happy anniversary to my parents who were married in 1948. Trusting they are celebrating together on the other side of the veil. I felt their presence today as I was driving through the hills.

When I got up this morning I noticed some pain under my arm in my arm pit. I first thought I had a bite of some sort. But when I looked in the mirror I realized it was an inflamed skin tag. Not sure what set it off. It is one that I have needed to have removed for a long time as it is very hard to shave my pits with it there. I called my doctor and have an appointment Thursday morning at 8:15 to get it removed. It has been hard to lower my arm today as it is sore. It will be good to get it taken off.

I drove to Wichita late morning. I wanted to go back to Costco and get some more pants for my trip to Costa Rica the end of this month. I had gotten one pair last week when Kathy and I had gone and I really liked them so went back and got two more pairs. Found some other stuff I didn’t know I needed. I had also gotten two bras last time I was at Costco and liked them so got some more of them too.

Went to Chipotle for lunch and was then going to go visit my aunt but got very tired and decided to come straight home. When I got home and got the car unloaded I laid down and took a two hour nap. I had slept last night so not sure why I got so tired. Guessing my body is catching up on some sleep that I didn’t get for a couple of weeks. I will be surprised if I can sleep tonight but I might.

Last night I did my video of exercises. My trainer had needed to back out of my session Monday and was going to try to reschedule for Thursday but Thursday got filled up for me and I was going to have trouble finding an hour to go to the gym. I went ahead and got them out of the way. They were easy and most of them I had done before.

I was still in a bit of a foul mood when I started them and doing them helped moved some energy for me and helped me release the mood I was in and lift me back up over the neutral level. It really showed me how important movement is to my body and how it can help keep my central nervous system regulated.

I took Sophia on a mile plus walk this evening. We walked down to see the river and came back home. She was dragging a bit by the time we got home. I offered to take Roxy for a walk but she politely refused and wanted to go in the house. The dogs have been good for me to get me out walking.

Tomorrow I will go to Emporia for my weekly session with my Chiropractor and then go to exercise. After exercise I am meeting a couple and helping them with a tax issues. I need to stop and get a few groceries when we get done with their tax issue. At 4:00 I am going to a friend’s house for happy hour. If I remember I will stop and have a blood draw before I come home so my TSH levels can be checked. I will do it Friday if I forget tomorrow.

Thursday I have the doctor’s appointment in Emporia at 8:15 to get the skin tag cut off. I also have a doctor’s appointment in Topeka at 1:00 for a routine Cardiologist check. Friday I go back to Emporia one more time this week for another exercise session. So far the weekend looks wide open so I will get two stay at home days.

Jason has some trees in his back yard that need to come down. Not sure I want to know how much that is going to cost. They should have been taken down a long time ago but I didn’t know about them. This bill will be on me as it is something that should have been taken care of before he moved in. Seems like there is always something that needs taken care of with one of the rental properties.

Sitting in a better place and space tonight than I was last night. I am working on learning my triggers that deregulate my central nervous system and the universe is providing plenty of examples for me. Once I learn my triggers, I can learn how to catch myself responding to them and not fall so far down the rabbit hole before I stop myself.

I find it fascinating to learn things about myself and how my brain works. When I fall below the neutral level, my brain does not function logically and rationally like it does when I am above. I know moving my body helps me raise my energy level but being able to make myself do that when I am below neutral is hard.

Grateful for a safe trip to and back from Wichita today, grateful my doctor could see me this week to cut off the skin tag, and grateful to learn something new about myself today.

I slept last night even after all the sleep I got yesterday. I didn’t fall asleep until after 3:00 but I was able to sleep in until almost 9:00. Man! I had forgotten what sleep can do to a body. Feels good!

My trainer had to cancel our session today as she had to take her child to a doctor in Topeka and the appointment ran late. I had to run into Emporia as I needed to pick up the estimated tax coupons from my accountant. She told me they were mailed over a week ago but they haven’t shown up in my mailbox yet. I called her today and asked to duplicate the package she mailed me. They are due Friday so needed to get a check written and mailed so it will arrive on time.

The tax estimate was way more than I expected it to be. Yikes! Hoping she way overestimated and I will get a big refund come next April. I have to pay taxes on some depreciation I claimed when I had the retreat center and the AirBnb. It sure seems like a lot of tax considering no more money than I made when I had the business. Better safe than sorry though and this should avoid the tax penalty for owing more than $1,000. Feels good to get that taken care of.

I am in the process of deep cleaning my bathroom. It was disgustingly dirty and needed a really good cleaning. I am hand moping the floors and they are drying now and I will finish the rest of it when I am done writing. Good thing the bathroom and laundry rooms are small and they don’t take too long to clean.

I got my 2024 blog copied through the end of May, three-hole punched and put in a binder. Feels good to get that project completed too. I sure would hate to lose my work like I did before. I know there is supposed to be a way to back it up on-line but haven’t been able to make it work yet. Sometime I need to call the website that manages my blog and have someone help me figure it out. Making paper copies seems old-fashioned and takes up a lot of space. It is kinda fun though to occasionally pick one of the binders up and read through my life during a specific time frame.

Nothing on my calendar for tomorrow but I may run to Wichita and get some things for my trip to Costa Rica. I would rather get that taken care of sooner rather than later. I may stop and visit with my Aunt while I am in Wichita. I may make a full day of it. I’ll see how I feel in the morning.

Sitting in a weird place today. Have a situation on my mind and the solution hasn’t presented itself to me yet. I have struggled to stay above the neutral level today. When I drop below neutral my normal practices don’t work as well so am having to do some new things to first help me get back above neutral so my logical, rational part of my brain will kick back in and help me find a solution. I am slowing rising back up this afternoon. Moving my body by cleaning has helped a bit move this stuck energy up and out.

Grateful the bathroom is clean, grateful the tax situation got taken care of, and grateful the blog has been copied and printed.

This has been a day of sleep for me. I was way overdue for a crash and burn day. I slept between 10 and 12 hours last night, was up for 2 hours then slept 2 to 3 more. Geez, I haven’t had that much sleep for the last two weeks combined. I’m still tired and could go take another nap right now. Wonder if I will sleep tonight?

Took Sophia on a long walk late afternoon. We walked down to check out the river. We got almost 4 inches of rain very quickly last night. The river is raging and high. There is a chance it will close the road between Cottonwood Falls and Strong City sometime tomorrow afternoon. It may get to the ditches but not close it. We shall see what happens.

If the road closes the only way to get to Emporia is to go all the way to Cassody and then up the turnpike to Emporia. That will take an hour or so. I will cancel my exercise class tomorrow if the road closes. Kathy has to go to Emporia at 1:00 and is hoping she can make it the easy way to town.

I got my 2024 blog printed out yesterday. Now I need to three hole punch the paper and put it in a big binder. It is an easy job but one I have to be in the right mood to do and so far that mood hasn’t come. I’ll get to it sooner or later.

If I can get to town tomorrow I will go in for exercise at 2:00. I don’t have any errands to do so it will be a trip to town for that and then I will come back home. It is good to have lots of empty space right now. I still haven’t taken the time to process all the grief I am holding from the three deaths in my family last month.

I have very little on my to-do list right now. It feels weird to have an empty list after all the chaos of the first half of the year. It will take me a bit to get used to not having a long list of things to do and to settle into this new energy around me.

Grateful for sleep at last, grateful for the rain we received, and grateful for this empty space.

This has definitely been a rest and recovery day. I had trouble finding sleep last night and got maybe two hours. I may give in and take a nap yet today. I hate to start that cycle but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

I did manage to get everything from the party last night put away and the dishes done. I even got out the rug shampoo and cleaned the back car seat where some salsa had spilled. I’m not sure why they sent the salsa in a pan full to the top with only a lid of sorts on it. It needed to be in a gallon jar with a tight lid.

I got the dining room touched up with paint. I still need to take the ladder to the shed and put it away but made progress. I did put all the paint supplies away except for the ladder. I need to get the cooler emptied of water bottles and then I can get everything returned to the shed. I am still drinking the left over iced tea so will probably wait until I decide I need to dump and clean the cooler and then take everything at once.

We got a good storm during the night. Someone reported Chase County had a 62 MPH wind gust. Kathy said she noticed lots of limbs down all over when she walked the dogs this morning. I have a few little ones down but not many. We got some real hard rain for a bit. I need to order a rain gauge so I know how much rain we get.

I am working on making copies of my blog. I try to remember to do that every three months but realized I hadn’t made any copies yet this year. It takes a while to get through them all. I have finished through March so far and will continue to work to get April and May copied. I lost several years of blogs once as they upgraded the program I used and somehow had a glitch and lost my stuff. Since then, I try to remember to make a paper copy of the blog quarterly.

It is warm and muggy out today. I’m grateful I didn’t get tickets to go to the Symphony. I don’t do well in the heat and today would have done me in.

I still haven’t received the tax coupons I need from my accountant. I was told they mailed them over a week ago. I may need to call them Monday if I don’t get them on Monday and have them make another copy of them as they need to be paid by the 15th. This time I will stop and pick them up I am guessing they mailed them to my old address and it takes a while to get things forwarded.

This coming week will be a quiet one for me. I will make my normal three trips to Emporia for exercise and I have to go to Topeka on Thursday for a doctor’s appointment. The rest of the week is empty space. That feels good for my soul to me. This week turned out to be busy and I need some quiet time to completely refill and recharge.

One day next week while I am in Emporia I need to stop and get a blood draw. My Endocrinologist wanted me to have my TSH recheck four weeks after the last one since it was so high. Sure wish I knew what to do differently to help stabilize my TSH levels. They are a roller coaster going up and down like crazy.

I read the report of the MRI I had done yesterday. Everything is rather normal with some noted arthritis in places. He did not change the order as I had requested so they did my back and not my hips. Thinking I need to get a second opinion about my hips. I will wait and see what he has to say Monday when they call me with the results.

I do need to start thinking about what I need to take with me to Costa Rica. I know I need a new swimming suit but not sure what else. I have three weeks to gather what I need as I leave June 30. I’m so looking forward to getting away for a week. It will be an adventure for sure.

Sitting in a better space than I did yesterday. I am tired but able to relax more today. My mind is not going 100 MPH and I am not as cranky.

I’m grateful the kids had the event last night and am grateful it is over. It felt liked it closed one door and is now allowing other doors to open for me. We will all continue to grieve Craig’s passing and will do so the rest of our lives. Learning to live and carry grief is a challenge. Our world forever changed when he died. For a bit one hopes things will go back to the way they were but that is not possible and it takes time to accept that.

Grateful for a rest and recovery day, grateful the paint job is complete, and grateful for the love and life of Craig.

What a day. It feels like I packed four days worth of stuff into one day. I took the dogs one by one on 3/4 mile walks each this morning. Roxy did OK but Sophia was more interested in chasing squirrels than walking or doing her business. It was warm and muggy out by the time I finished walking them.

I went to Dollar General and got some ice for tonight’s event. Had to wait for someone to check me out for a bit but got what I needed and came home. I put a case of water bottles in the cooler and got them on ice and fixed a big jug of iced tea. A tea bag broke open somehow while it was steeping so I put a tea towel over my big strainer and set the strainer on top of the ice in the big jug. That worked to catch all the little bits. I ruined a tea towel doing that as it got stained tea brown but I have plenty of tea towels so no worries.

Went to a friend’s house who was hosting an open house to show case her sewing talents and another’s friend’s pottery. I came home with a cup one of them made and the other one turned it into a pin cushion. Creative and practical – my type of thing. Was nice visiting with some people at that event.

Went to Emporia for exercise at 2:00. I was not in a good mood when I went but as always I felt much better at the end of exercise after moving my body for 45 minutes. Sure wish it would keep me motivated to do exercises knowing how much better I feel when I am done but it is hard to remind myself of that sometimes.

Went to the hospital for an MRI after exercise. I didn’t have to wait very long to get taken back and the MRI only took 15 minutes. I took a short nap while the machine was doing its thing on me.

Came home and got the car loaded up with things for the event tonight. Kathy took one dog for a walk and I took the other. We came back to Emporia and went to Casa Romas to pick up dinner.

They had the things ready for us and helped get it loaded in my car. I had pulled my car illegally into a spot to get it loaded. Just as we were finishing loading the car I got a phone call from 911. I thought they were calling me to tell me someone complained about how I had parked. But the fall alert had gone off on my Apple Watch and I hadn’t turned it off. When I had finished paying I had thrown my purse into my car. I had attached my Apple Watch to my purse when I had my MRI. It must have gone off when I threw my purse into the car.

As I was talking to 911 Jason called. As I was talking to Jason Nicole called. Michelle sent a text. Evidently when the fall alert goes off the people I have designated as emergency contacts get notified. Geez, I kinda scared all three kids to start the evening off.

After things calmed down from the false alarm, we got to the reception site and got the car unloaded. Luckily Jason was there and helped us get everything unloaded. Michelle and Nicole showed up as we unloading and helped get the last of everything inside. It didn’t take long to get things set up for the dinner.

We had time to sit down and eat and enjoy our dinner before people started showing up. We didn’t have a very big crowd but those that came were special people in our lives and we appreciated everyone that came. I got to see Michelle and Nicole’s best friends from their high school days who I hadn’t seen in years. They were like my daughters back in the day. Our supervisor from our McDonald’s days came and he was like another son. One of my special kids from back in the days came with her mother. We sat and recalled things that had happened in the past. It was a great evening.

Some of Craig’s best beer Friday friends came and they had a nice time too. We had way too much food but the VFW said they would set it out tomorrow and treat their customers to lunch. We invited the customers at the hall tonight to come over and help themselves – several did.

The kids helped me get the car loaded when it was all over and Kathy helped me get the stuff all in the house when we got home. I still need to put some things away but it may wait till tomorrow. I am wiped out!

Kathy and I each walked a dog when we got home so that job is done for the day. The tree guy had come again today and did more chopping and clearing of the back tree line. Not sure what his plans are for next week. There are some more trees in the side yard that need trimmed up too so am thinking he will be back either tomorrow or early next week to finish up. Not sure I want to know how much that all is going to cost but it sure looks neater.

Need to figure out something to put on the dirt that is free and clear now with all the shrubs and trees gone. Kathy mentioned getting some flower seeds and throwing them out there to see what happens. I have never had much luck with grass seed so may try the flower seed thing.

Tomorrow is a rest and recovery day with nothing on the calendar. I have a feeling I will need it. I am about spent tonight and my tank is mighty low. It was a fun night visiting with old friends and I am glad the kids did this event. We were all a bit disappointed not too many came but it was delightful seeing the ones that came.

Grateful to see old friends tonight, grateful to have an evening with all my kids, and grateful this day is over.

Another night of little sleep. I must have taken too long of a nap yesterday. Oh well, I am used to functioning on little to no sleep.

I had gotten some dipping almond bark the other day and some Ritz crackers to make the grandkids some treats and had never gotten them made. I took the time to get those made this morning since I was going to meet Tagen at 1:00 this afternoon.

The tree guys showed up this morning and has worked all day. I’m not sure if he will get done today or not. Wow. What a difference he is making to my fence line in the back of the property. We didn’t used to be able to see our neighbors behind us as the tree line was so overgrown. Now they can see us and we can see them. I think I will like it when he is done. It certainly looks cleaner and neater. I can always add a privacy fence at a later date if I decide we need to do that.

I went to Emporia around noon today. I picked up Tagen and we went to the Vo Tech to pay his summer and fall fees. I had paid his summer fees earlier and knew I hadn’t paid enough but the kid that was at the desk said what I paid was all he could collect. Good to get that taken care of for my buddy.

I took Tagen and Ellexia to Bruff’s for lunch afterwards. Service was a bit slow today but the food was good. I always enjoy time with my two grandkids. They are like having lunch with adults these days.

After lunch I took them home and then went downtown to get my hair cut. I stopped to confirm the cookie order for tomorrow and was surprised when they told me the order was ready to go. I went and got my hair cut and then went back and picked up the cookies. That will save me some time tomorrow. Since I was at Price Chopper I went ahead and got the few groceries I needed instead of going to Walmart afterwards.

I don’t have any plans for the rest of the day. Tomorrow is Craig’s event so will need to get some bottles of water on ice and make a big jug of iced tea in the morning. I never unloaded the things for the event from when I bought them at Costco so they are already in the car and ready to go. I did bring the cookies in as I didn’t want them to melt in this heat. I will get everything loaded up and stop at Casa Romas at 5:30 and pick up the taco bar stuff and then go to the event. Easy as can be!

The hospital called and scheduled my MRI for tomorrow. I have exercise at 2:00 and the MRI is at 3:15. I will have enough time after that to come home, load up and then I will go back to Emporia.

When I did the webinar yesterday on how to regulate my central nervous system, what she was saying felt familiar but I had trouble figuring out why. I realized today that I use the Chart of Consciousness as my guide to knowing if my central nervous system is regulated or not. When I fall below neutral that is my sign that I am not regulated. No wonder what she was teaching felt familiar. We just use different words to say the same thing.

She recommended I keep a trigger journal for two weeks and everyday note the things that cause me to become dis regulated. Once you can name something and claim it, you then can recognize the pattern it causes and then you can make different choices when it happens.

It is impossible to set a goal of never becoming dis regulated. That is part of being a human. But one can learn when they become dis regulated how to more quickly regulate yourself again. My goal for each and everyday is to spend the majority of the time above the neutral level on the chart of consciousness or another way of saying that is to spend the majority of of my time with a regulated central nervous system.

I will practice using the meditation technique she taught to see if that helps me next time I catch myself in the dis regulated state. The struggle is once I become dis regulated, my brain operates differently and is not as logical and rational as I would like it to be. Maybe the technique she taught will help restore my brain function faster.

I love learning new things about myself and ways to help me stay above the neutral level. I have a strong desire to not contribute to the negativity in this world and the best way I can do this is to stay as conscious about my behavior and actions as I know how and work to stay above the neutral level. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?

Grateful for mentors that cross my path, grateful for a haircut, and grateful to spend time with my grandkids today.

Got some good sleep last night but when that happens I tend to want even more sleep afterwards. Not sure why it works that way.

Got up and took the dogs for walks one by one. It was nice and cool this morning. We didn’t get much rain from the storm that hit south of us. 20 miles from here got several inches of rain- I doubt that we got 1/2 inch.

Had to be in Emporia by noon for exercise. I left around 10:45 as I needed to go to the Chiropractor before exercise. He did his weekly adjustment on me and then I took my car through the car wash. Got to exercise a bit early but my trainer was available so we got started early.

After exercise I picked Ellexia up and brought her out here. She had a friend in a camp at the Chase County High School and they were going to go swimming when her friend got out of camp at 2:15.

Ellexia helped me take the dogs on another long walk. She walked Roxy and I took Sophia. Neither dog was well behaved on this walk. They were more interested in chasing squirrels than listening to us.

We picked up Ellexia’s friend and I dropped them off at the pool. I came home and took a nap. I was tired and had little to no energy to start putting the living room back together again. I had finished painting it last night.

After my nap Kathy helped me moved the bookcase back into place. The floor is very uneven where it sits and it kept trying to tip over so decided I better have help moving it back. No worries as we got it back into place without issues. I still need to hang the pictures back up and vacuum the rug and the living room will be back together again.

I like the color I chose but it will take some getting used to. The other color was much lighter and the color I have on the walls now makes the rooms feel just a bit smaller.

Tomorrow I have to go back to Emporia for a haircut at 2:30. This appointment was way over due but I was trying to time it for my trip to Costa Rica so my hair will be OK when I go on vacation. It will feel good to get my hair shaped up again.

I need to stop and pick up a few groceries while I am in town tomorrow. I don’t have much on my list this week so I won’t bother placing an on-line order.

Friday I have exercise at 2:00 and then I will go back to town by 5:00 to pick up the things for Craig’s event at 6:00. It will be good to see all my kids again and anyone that comes. I have enough food to feed at least 50 people and probably it would stretch to feed up to 75. Hope to see lots of people that Craig knew.

Nothing on the calendar for Saturday. I may meet the kids in town for breakfast Saturday morning but not sure who might be available to do that. Nothing else planned so I may get two quiet days at home. I’m sure after Friday night I will need to refill and recharge myself.

Next week looks fairly quiet. I do have to go to Topeka on Thursday for my annual checkup with my Cardiologist. This time I am seeing his nurse practitioner. I haven’t seen her before but usually find they are easier to talk to than the doctor is.

One of these days I need to see what I need to take for my trip to Costa Rica. I know I need a new swimsuit this year and probably need a couple more pairs of pants that wash and dry quickly. I may make a shopping trip to KC next week and pick some things up.

Lots of empty space ahead for me. I am aware of how it is feeling in my body and continue to sit with that feeling and allow. These last five months have felt like I stepped back into going at life at top speed and I need to remind myself and my body that it is OK to slow things down. It sounds so simple to do but after a hectic couple of months it is proving to be a challenge for me. I am not allowing myself to fill the time with stuff to do right now as I need to break this pattern I am in. Once I get comfortable again with empty space and slow speed, I will find somethings to pick up and do.

Grateful for an afternoon nap today, grateful to get to see Ellexia for a hot minute today and grateful I know why I feel uncomfortable right now.

I moved things around in the living room this morning to see if I could get to the walls to paint. I almost tipped the bookcase over but got it moved safely. Everything else moved easily.

I met a friend at the Grand for lunch. I needed to pay my water bill and needed the exercise so I walked to lunch and back. Had a delightful visit with a dear friend. It was good for my soul!

Came home and started painting the living room. I had a webinar to attend this afternoon so I listened to that while I painted. I had to stop and do a meditation practice but I needed a break from painting by that point anyways.

After the webinar Kathy and I went to a friend’s house for Happy Hour. It is good for my soul to sit and visit with some like-minded women. Came home and started painting again.

I am almost done. I needed to take a short break and find some energy to get the job done. I won’t get the room put back together again tonight but will finish up the painting.

The webinar was interesting. It was put on by the lady that is leading the retreat I am going to in Costa Rica. She taught us how to regulate our central nervous system and talked about how that can help one heal. I’m not sure any of it was new information for me but she connected some dots for me that helped me understand the process better. I’m grateful I listened to the webinar today and know it will help me in the future. It makes me excited for the time I will get to spend with her in Costa Rica.

I like the color I choose for the living room and dining room. The living room is one shade lighter than the dining room. The color name is Quietude. I think I choose the color for the name. It is a soft sage green. Somehow it warms up the rooms and gives them a more comfortable feeling. I will be grateful when I get the room put back together again in the morning.

Tomorrow I have exercise at noon and then I am picking up Ellexia and bringing her home with me. She is meeting a friend at the Cottonwood Falls pool mid afternoon. Not sure how they are getting home but guess they have that covered.

I sent a bunch of emails and messages to people today to follow up on some pending things. My accountant responded that they mailed my estimated tax coupons last week. I am thinking they must have mailed it to my old address as I haven’t gotten them yet. They are due June 15 so still have some time. My property manager retired and one of my rentals got transferred to another property manager. I hadn’t received any paperwork so I checked to make sure we were good to go. The new property manager said we are good to go. Not sure that makes sense but whatever. I scheduled a haircut for Thursday. Good to get those things all taken care of this morning.

I’m getting tired tonight. I woke up around 5:00 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t take a nap today so am running on low speed tonight. I really want to push through and get this painting done tonight. I only have one full wall and part of another one and I will be done. I think I can. I think I can.

It does feel good to get this painting project completed. I may do another couple of rooms another week but these two rooms were at the top of my to-do list. Good to get them crossed off the list.

Best get back to painting so I can get it done. If I sit much longer I won’t be able to get back up again.

Grateful for a wonderful lunch with a dear friend, grateful the painting project is all but done, and grateful for mentors that teach good stuff.

I painted the dining room today. It is an easier room to paint than the living room will be as the stuff in the dining room is easier to move. Got the dining room floors hand washed and everything back in place. I like the color – it is kinda a sage greenish color. The living room will be one shade lighter than the dining room. I may get the living room painted tomorrow – we shall see what happens.

I went to Emporia for exercise at 2:00. Afterwards I picked up Ellexia and took her out to lunch. I hadn’t seen her for a bit so it was good to catch up with her. Took her home after lunch and then I went to Walmart to get a new cat box and tray. Hope this combination will prevent cat pee from getting on the floor.

I painted the dining room before I went to exercise and put the room back together again when I got home. As I sit in my chair and look at the dining room I see some touch up spots I need to take care of. I will do that before I take the ladder back to the shed after I finish the living room.

I turned the A/C on this morning. It was so humid the paint wasn’t drying very fast and I was sweating too much. The house is much more comfortable with the A/C on. I love having the fresh air blow in but the humidity is making that hard to allow. It will be hard for Kathy to keep her windows closed as she much prefers no A/C. I told her I would compromise and if she needs her windows open she can close her door. Not sure how the animals will tolerate that but it is the best compromise I can come up. I hate cooling the house when a window is open and the humidity comes in.

Walmart was out of my favorite yogurt so will have to go back Wednesday when I go to town for exercise. Not sure I will need any other groceries but maybe something will pop up on my list by then. I picked up the tablecloths and napkins today for the event Friday. I think I have all I need for that event now. Catering sure makes things easy.

I am meeting a friend for lunch in Cottonwood Falls tomorrow but other than that it will be a stay at home day. Hoping to get the living room painted and put back together tomorrow.

It felt good to see the fruits of my labor today. Too many days go by and I can’t see anything that I did. It alway amazes me how a coat of paint can reset the energy of a room and house. Slowly but surely we are claiming this house as ours.

Sitting in a good head space today. Completing a task helps. My to-do list is the shortest it has been for a long time. Lots of empty space on my calendar right now. I am still thinking about how I want to start filling some of that empty space. I made this move to create more empty space and don’t want to fill it with meaningless things. I’m trusting that the right things will drop into my lap sooner or later.

Grateful the dining room is painted and clean, grateful I got to have lunch with Ellexia today, and grateful the evening is full of empty space.

This has been a very non productive day. Woke up feeling achy all over and absolutely no energy. Decided to make it a rest day and go with the flow. I dozed off and on in my chair most of the day.

For some reason my shoulder hurt during the night and most of the day. It does that for no reason every once in a while. All my joints seemed to hurt today. They are finally calming down this late afternoon. Wish I knew what made them do that.

Tomorrow I have to go to Emporia for exercise in the afternoon. I need to stop at Walmart and picked up a few things. I have got to find a solution to Ellie, my cat. When she uses the litter box, she sticks her ass over the side and her pee goes on the rug or the floor. It makes a smelly mess. I need a high sided litter box and maybe one with a lid. I’m tired of cleaning up her messes.

I am feeling better now. I may even attempt to do some painting yet today. I sure would like to get that project taken care of.

The dogs spent most of the day outside in their new pen. They seem to be adjusting to it better. They rarely bark while they are outside. When we bring them in the house after they have been outside, they sack out and sleep lots. Kathy took Ellie outside and put her in the pen today too. She hid behind the dog house most of the day. Not sure she liked being in a big pen.

I sure enjoy having the dogs outside for a bit each day. The house feels much bigger when they are both outside.

Chalking this day up to a day of rest. Trusting tomorrow I will have more energy and will be able to do something. Some days are like this and I have learned to listen to what my body wants and allow.

Grateful I had nothing urgent that had to be done today, grateful for a day of rest, and grateful my energy is starting to return.

Grateful it is June. May was a tough month for me on many levels. June feels like a fresh start. Here is to good things to come!

Had another night of little to no sleep. It was a long night trying to find sleep. For some reason my left shoulder hurt and it would wake me up if I managed to fall asleep. Not sure what its problem was.

Decided to not try to paint today since my shoulder was whining. Kathy and I drove to Wichita and went to Costco instead. I needed some things for Craig’s celebration of life event Friday and it seemed like a good time to go and get that taken care of. We went, filled a cart, and came home. Didn’t make any other stops while we were there.

I took a short nap in my chair when we got home. Hopefully it was enough so I can stay up until bedtime and then get a good night’s sleep tonight.

While we were gone, Phil fixed the dog pen. He attached two sides of it to the house and enlarged the circle. We took the dogs out and put them in it and they don’t know what to think. So far, they have not barked or tried to jump up against the fence. It is six feet tall so should be tall enough they can’t jump over it. They have lots of shade and their dog house to hang out in. I trust they will adapt to it and grow to like it. It sure is nice having them outside for the daytime. I will have to bring them in at night or they will bark all night long.

Phil is building a privacy fence between my yard and his. There used to be some overgrown bushes there but he took those out a week ago and is putting up the fence this weekend. I may get my side of yard by the fence covered with gravel so I have more parking. I use the end of his driveway to get to my property as that is where the curb cut out is. It would be nice to have designated space for more than one car.

Kathy and I walked downtown and watched the parade. It lasted about 45 minutes. Lots of horses, tractors, etc. Fun to watch the people and all the children with their bags gathering the candy that is thrown. It was a beautiful day for a parade and there were lots of people on the sidelines watching. The rodeo is going on this weekend and this is cowboy country. The rodeo doesn’t interest me in the least. I went several years ago and got my fill for a long time.

My shoulder is feeling better this afternoon so may attempt to do some painting yet today. I have about 30 minutes of moving things out of the way before I can paint either of the rooms so may get that part of it started at least. Hate to create chaos but that is part of the process.

I should get to stay home all day tomorrow. So far, I don’t have anything on my calendar to do. It is nice to have a quiet weekend at home. Next week is fairly quiet too which is the way I like things.

I bought a few clothes today. I need to start thinking about my trip to Costa Rica and what I might need for that. I only travel with a carry-on bag and will be gone for eight days so will need a few things I can wash out and wear a second time while I am gone. I’m guessing it will be warm here so need some light weight clothes to take. Still need to get a couple more things but got a good start on it shopping at Costco.

Sitting in a better head space today. The empty space this afternoon feels healing and restorative for my soul. I can feel myself relaxing into it and allowing myself to be. It is nice not to have a very big to-do list and allow myself to rest and be.

Grateful for a safe trip to and from Wichita today, grateful my shoulder is feeling better this afternoon and grateful the dogs are outside for the day.

Low energy type of day. Yesterday must have drained me. I actually slept last night but never have found my on button today.

I went to Emporia around 1:00. I stopped and got two bags of dog food at Bluestem. I ordered some food for next Friday night’s celebration of life party for Craig, and then I went to exercise.

I managed to get through exercise. I usually feel better when I am done than when I started. It sure was hard to drag my ass in to exercise today. Grateful I went and made it through.

Stopped and got a bite to eat and then came home. It is going to be hard to stay awake until bedtime tonight.

I was going to stop at Walmart and pick up some things but town was too busy today with all the gravel bike racers and support teams in town. Everything I needed can wait until Monday. I wasn’t in the mood to fight a crowd today.

No plans for the weekend except for getting the living room and dining room painted. Trust I will find some energy tomorrow and get that job done. The only hard part of the job will be moving everything out of the way to paint and then hanging the pictures back up. The rooms aren’t very big or tall so painting itself will be easy and will go fast.

Next week is a quiet week. So far both Tuesday and Thursday are empty space days. It feels like it has been a long time since that has happened. We shall see if they remain empty when they get here.

I read there is a chance we could see the Northern Lights again tonight and tomorrow night. Tonight there are too many clouds but I will check tomorrow night and see if I can see them again. What a sight they were a couple weeks ago.

Feeling a bit depressed for some reason today. Thinking all the emotions of the month have caught up to me and I am starting to release some of them. I have had three members of my family die this past month and it has been hard to process it all. I’m grateful I have a quiet weekend at home so I can allow this emotion to come up and flow out.

Hard to believe I have been in this different house for a month now. In some ways it feels like it was yesterday and other ways it feels like I have lived here for a year. Everything is settled and in its place. I will find little tweets to make for some time to come but otherwise it is the way it is going to be. So far, I have really enjoyed the change in my lifestyle. Life feels simpler and easier with less responsibilities.

The guy that is removing the old shop let me know he is still going to take it. He said he was working on the timing of getting it removed. I applied for a permit for the tear down but haven’t heard whether it was approved or not. Not sure how that process works. Guess it will get removed sooner or later, permit or not. It will be good to have the old shop gone and space cleared for the new house to be built.

Still haven’t heard from my builder. Last time I spoke with him was mid April and he said he would be in touch in a couple of weeks with the price estimates. Ummm…. Guess his calendar is different than mine.

I still haven’t heard from my accountant either. I have to pay estimated taxes and I think they are due June 1 but maybe they aren’t due until June 15. Hard to pay them when you don’t know how much to pay. She had said it would take her about a week to figure everything. That was three weeks ago. Ummmm….Guess her calendar is different than mine.

Same story with the guy that is clearing the tree line. He said he would be out within a week but that was two weeks ago. Guess his calendar is different than mine too. Sure wish people would do what they say they were going to do when they said they would do it.

Struggling to keep myself above the neutral level today. I need a couple of stay at home days to reground and regroup and refill. It is amazing how quickly I drain these days. Trusting I can refill this weekend and be able to hold my light for longer periods going forth.

Grateful the dog food is restocked, grateful I went to exercise today, and grateful for a quiet weekend ahead.

Happy birthday to my daughter Nicole. I am so very proud of the woman she has become and so grateful she chose me to be her mother.

Another night of very little, if any sleep. I must have taken too long of a nap yesterday. It sure makes for a long night when I can’t sleep.

I took the dogs on walks, one by one this morning. We walked down to see Kathy at the coffee shop this morning. They are always excited to see her. Sophia did her business but Roxy was too busy smelling things to do hers.

I had a doctor’s appointment at 10:30. They were running late today so didn’t see the doctor until 11:00. I have had pain in my hips since my physical last August that hasn’t gone away. He thinks it is a muscle that is too tight but I wanted to make sure it wasn’t something else.

The doctor offered me a couple of options. I can do physical therapy, get X-rays and the MRI, he offered me oral steroids or an injection in the muscle. I elected for the X-rays and MRI to make sure we are treating the right thing. If it is what he thinks it is, I will probably ask for the injection in the muscle to see if that will give me some relief.

He ordered some X-rays and a MRI if insurance will pay for it. I might have to do physical therapy before insurance will pay for the MRI. He ordered the MRI for my lower back and not my hips – not sure I understand his logic for that.

I read his report when I got home this afternoon. He said he counseled me to go to ER or return to him if my symptoms get worse. Ummm…. I don’t remember him saying anything like that during my visit.

I wanted to be in Council Grove to meet a friend for lunch so didn’t get the X-ray after my appointment. I drove to Council Grove and had a long lunch with a dear friend. It did my soul good to have a deep conversation with a dear friend.

Drove back to Emporia after my long lunch and got the X-ray taken care of. The results are back and I have mild arthritis but nothing else showed up. Good to know!

I stopped at the venue where the kids are hosting Craig’s Celebration of Life Beer Friday event next Friday, June 7. I wanted to see what it looked like and I had some questions for them. Got answers to my questions and got some things rearranged. I have some homework I need to do tomorrow to help the kids host this event.

Finally got home around 4:30. Took the dogs out to potty and have been resting in my chair since. It has felt like a busy day. Good to have some quiet time this late afternoon and evening. I do need to do my home exercises yet but other than that have nothing that I have to take care of.

I sent Phil a text and asked him to come finish up setting up the dog fencing. The kid and a friend of his came over last night and kinda set it up. It isn’t very stable and not completely connected so needs some adjusting. They used a power wrench to put the bolts on and they are too tight for me to loosen and rearrange it. I’m grateful for Phil and his fix-it abilities.

Tomorrow I have to go back to Emporia for exercise at 2:00. I need to stop and get a few groceries and then can come home and tuck in for the weekend. I am craving a couple of stay at home days.

I might get to the painting job I want to get done sometime this weekend. My shoulder is much better today and I think it will be good to go. It has sprinkled on and off today and is not a good painting day. Hoping I will get some sunny days this weekend and I can get the paint job completed.

I have a quiet week next week. I will have to go to Emporia for exercise three times and Friday evening is Craig’s Celebration of Life party. Other than those things, I have nothing on my calendar. Yay! Hoping I get two stay at home days during the week next week. It seems like something comes up most weeks and I don’t get to do that very often.

Doing my best to keep myself above the neutral level. There is a lot of chaos in the world right now and it is easy to get sucked down a rabbit hole. I truly believe the best thing I can do for myself and humanity is to stay focused on keeping myself above the neutral level and not get caught up in the chaos. If the majority of people could do that, the world would be a much better place for all.

Grateful for a dear friend that allowed me to have a deep conversation, grateful the fencing project has begun, and grateful the doctor is working with me to find a solution to my hip pain.

Woke up feeling achy this morning. The dogs were anxious to go out so got dressed and took them for their walks, one by one. Sophia tried to make me run this morning – like that was going to happen! At some point she tried to take off and pulled on my arm. It hurt my shoulder. I didn’t feel anything pop so she didn’t do serous damage but it is sore today. Roxy was more interested in chasing squirrels than doing her business.

Went to Emporia a little before 11:00. I had to stop by my insurance agent’s office to add another rental to their insurance policy. Went to my Chiropractor. He worked on my sore shoulder and a spot that has been bothering me on my lower back. Went through the car wash and took the time to vacuum my car afterwards.

Got to exercise a bit before noon. I had to modify two exercises today as I couldn’t twist my arm in the right position to do the exercises today due to the sore shoulder.

I got a text from the high school kid that is going to set up my dog kennel. He could meet me at 1:00 today to pick up the material. Perfect timing as I got out of exercise at 12:50. I went over to Tractor Supply. They didn’t have their act together today and it took about 20 minutes for someone to meet me in the yard to pick up the order I had placed on-line this morning.

Someone else drove through the open gate when the girl opened it for me so had to wait for her to load them before we could get loaded up. Finally got what I had ordered and headed home.

My kid unloaded the material and then had to go do something else. He is to come back sometime soon and set up the kennel for me. Not sure when to expect him back. He is busy working in the fields and doesn’t have a lot of free time. Guess it will get done when it gets done. At least I now have options if he doesn’t get here to get it set up. I might be able to find someone to help me do that part easier than finding someone with a pickup to meet me and bring the kennel to me.

I came in and sat in my chair and had a sandwich after the kid got the kennel unloaded in the back yard. I have dozed off and on all afternoon long. My on switch didn’t seem to work today and I have been tired and cranky all day. My afternoon nap felt good and I am finally feeling almost ready to wake up and start my day.

Yesterday was emotionally draining again and I needed a rest and recovery day today. Feeling a bit empty again and will need to allow some more time to refill and reground. I decided not to even attempt to get something done today as it probably wouldn’t go easy and I am not in the mood for anything hard today.

Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment at 10:30 and then I am going to Council Grove to meet a friend for lunch. That is just what I need! Having a deep conversation with a dear friend is restorative for my soul.

Friday I have to go back to Emporia for exercise in the afternoon and then I need to check out something afterwards. Hoping I can stay home this weekend.

I almost need to turn the A/C on today. It has reached the mid 80’s today and that is about my upper limit before I turn on the A/C. It is to cool down a bit this week so will try to wait it out. I don’t do well when it is hot and above 84 is my limit of heat tolerance.

Haven’t painted today and doubt that I will. I need to let my shoulder quiet down a bit before I put it to work painting. I am hoping by the weekend I will be good to go painting.

This has been one of those days where it is best that I stay home in time-out for the sake of humanity. I had absolutely no patience earlier today and could have picked a fight with anyone that looked at me. I’m grateful I am in a better place this afternoon but still feeling a bit vulnerable and like I could erupt easily. Quiet time at home should fix that.

Grateful the dog kennel material is at the house, grateful I was able to adapt a couple exercises today, and grateful that I can stay in time-out away from people for the rest of the day.

Kathy and I went to Marion for the funeral of our dear Aunt Glenda this morning. We stopped on the way to drop off the desserts at the Lake Hall where the lunch was served after the burial. I’m grateful I thought to do that as the Lake Hall had a refrigerator and I didn’t have to worry about things melting in the heat of the day.

The funeral was well attended. The procession to the cemetery in Florence must have been a mile long. I was impressed with the number of people that pulled over out of respect and waited for all of us to pass.

There must have been close to 100 people at the lunch afterwards. I took a cheesecake, chocolate sheet cake, no bake cookies, peanut butter balls and a pudding dessert. The cheesecake and pudding dessert were all eaten and there were only a few pieces of cake and cookies left. I brought a few leftovers home but left most of them for the immediate family.

It was good to see extended family members that I hadn’t seen for some time. Not sure I got a chance to visit with all of them but did my best to talk to each of them. We need to figure out a way to get together when it isn’t a funeral.

Aunt Glenda had a huge impact on many people and will be greatly missed. She had a servant heart and quietly took care of people in many different ways. She was a dear friend to many and had a knack for treating everyone she knew with grace and love. What a legacy she leaves.

I had trouble sleeping last night. I don’t think I fell asleep until after 5:00 this morning and had to get up around 8:00 so we could leave by 9:30. I may take a short nap this afternoon or else I will attempt to push through and go to bed early.

I got some paint yesterday so I can paint the living room and dining room but I am too tired to attempt that project today. Maybe tomorrow morning I can get it started before I go to town for exercise at 11:00. There is no rush to have that project done so it will wait until I have lots of energy on another day.

I don’t have anything I have to do today so will probably call the rest of the day a rest day. I guess I have to do my 16 minutes of exercise but that almost doesn’t count. The dogs will need a long walk later today too. Kathy took them for their walks this morning. It feels good to sit in the quiet of my house this afternoon and allow myself to refill and recharge.

Tomorrow I have to go to town for exercise and my weekly chiropractic adjustment. I don’t think I need groceries so it will be a short trip to town. I do need to stop one of these days soon and get a bag of dog food but I’m not out yet so it can wait if needed.

Funerals have a way of keeping a person humble. One never knows when it is their time to go. I am working on not leaving things unsaid or undone in my relationships with others. One never knows if I will see others again or not. Today was the third funeral I have attended in less than a month. Trusting it will be the last one for a bit. It does remind me to be wise in how I spend my time and make time spent with loved ones a priority.

This has been another beautiful day. It was a touch warm at the cemetery but not too bad. The drive to Marion was lovely. It is nice to see the ponds full for the grazing season this spring. Everything looks very lush and green.

Grateful for the gathering of friends and family today to honor Aunt Glenda, grateful for the legacy of service and love she leaves all of us, and grateful for quiet time this evening at home.

Happy birthday to my son-in-love Geoff. I have his birthday card sitting on my desk – guess it will be late. Can’t seem to get my act together and make things happen on time lately.

Made a four layer pudding dessert, a cheesecake and a chocolate sheet cake to take to the funeral lunch for tomorrow. I did OK cooking in my small kitchen. I did learn I can only fix one thing at a time. I had to do dishes after each dish was fixed and put things away and then start fresh with the next thing to make. I don’t have much counter top space so couldn’t leave things out. I got it all done – just took a bit longer than I am used to.

I may bake a batch of cookies tonight yet but not sure yet. I’ll see if my energy comes back a bit. We will do OK without them if I decide against it.

Kathy and I got the yard mowed around noon. She did the push mowing and I did the rider. When I got home from exercise I went out to put the mower in the shed and it won’t start. Not sure if I didn’t get it turned off correctly and it ran the battery down or what. I tried ten different ways to get it to start but it is dead. I’ll have to figure out what to do about it. Not sure who to call for help.

Went to the family reunion for about 15 minutes before I went to Emporia for exercise. Most of the people there I will see tomorrow. Good to get to visit for a hot minute with those I saw today.

Went to the paint store before exercise and picked up enough paint to do the living room and dining room. I couldn’t decide between two different colors so got one gallon of each. I will do one room in one color and the other in the other color. They are the same color family, one is one shade darker than the other. I don’t think I will get started on it tonight. It will probably wait until Wednesday.

After exercise I took Tagen out for lunch. We were going to go to Bobby D’s but they were closed so we went to Radius instead. Food was good but service a bit slow. Tagen had ordered some macaroni and Cheese and it tasted burnt. I sent it back and it took them over 30 minutes to replace it. He took it home with him to eat for dinner tonight. He ordered a 12 inch pizza too and took part of that home with him. He will be set for leftovers for a day or two.

It was nice to spend some time with Tagen. We had a good conversation over lunch. His college classes start later this week. Hope he can mange to work full-time and take 12 college hours this summer. It may be more than he bargained for.

Dropped him off after lunch and came home. Time to sit in my chair for a bit and rest. It has felt like a busy day. Exercise time went by fairly quickly. We used the resistance band today which is not my favorite thing to do but only used it three times. They took 50 minutes today so will be sure to get my 150 minutes a week in this week even without the home exercises.

Tomorrow Aunt Glenda’s funeral is at 11:00 so will need to leave here around 9:45. It will take me a bit to load the car up with all the desserts I made and the pop I am taking. Have to figure out a way to keep the cold stuff cold. I’m afraid the chocolate things might melt in this heat.

Wednesday I go back to Emporia at noon for exercise. Not sure I have anything else I have to do in town so it will be a quick trip to town. Thursday I have a doctor’s appointment at 10:30 and then I am meeting a dear friend for lunch in Council Grove. Friday I go back to Emporia for exercise at 2:00. I am hoping next weekend I will get two back to back stay at home days. We shall see if I can make that happen.

Sitting in a good head space today. It felt good to get in the kitchen and make some things. Once I figured out to do one thing at a time and clean up after each one it went fairly easy. Just need to allow a bit extra time when I cook in this small kitchen. Things feel possible again for me. I had dropped into a dark space for a bit but it feels like I climbed out of it today. Trusting I will stay up and out for a bit.

Grateful the desserts are ready for tomorrow, grateful to have seen some extended family members for a hot minute today, and grateful to have been able to spend time with Tagen today.

I took the dogs for their walks this morning. Sophia and I walked downtown and back. She did her business and did well on the walk. Met some people on the street that loved on her for a bit. She soaks that right up.

Took Roxy next. We went downtown too. She was more interested in chasing squirrels than walking though. We were about a block from home and two dogs came charging after her. I was walking her in the street. I yelled HELP a couple of times and a lady comes and gets her dogs. I thank her and she says yeah.

This is the second time those dogs have come after us. They growl and my dog growls back. It scares me as I’m not sure what to do if the dogs start fighting. I could easily get hurt in the dog fight. I need to decide if I want to report her or not. Cottonwood Falls has a leash law and she could get a ticket. But if I don’t report her and it happens again for the third time and someone gets hurt that would be on me.

Took a quiet morning and didn’t do much. It has been a low energy type of day for me. I did get the chocolate covered peanut butter balls made for Tuesday. Have several more desserts to make tomorrow. Trusting I will have more energy then. They will get made even if I don’t’ but it would be more fun if I have energy.

Need to do some house cleaning but that hasn’t capture my interest yet. It seems to patiently wait for me to get to it. It will get done when it gets done. No one is coming over so there is no rush to get to it.

We missed most of the storms last night. The wind blew hard for a short bit and we got some rain but not much. Areas around got lots of rain and some wind damage. We seem to miss most of the storms. Have a chance for more rain tonight.

Not sure if what rain we did get will prevent the tree guy from coming this week or not. I bet he gets busy when storms come through. Limbs on a vehicle or house are much more urgent than cleaning out my tree line. He will get to it when he can.

Tomorrow I have to go to Emporia at 2:00 for exercise. I may try to get some paint for the living room while I am in town if the paint store is open. Can’t remember what will be closed for Memorial Day. I will also get several more desserts made for Tuesday.

Tuesday is Aunt Glenda’s service and lunch. It is always good to see family – just wish we would gather when it wasn’t a funeral.

Wednesday and Friday I have exercise in Emporia. Thursday I have to go to Emporia in the morning for a doctor’s appointment. I won’t get a day at home again until next Saturday and Sunday.

Friday June 7 the kids are hosting a Beer Friday for Craig at the American Legion in Emporia from 6:00 – 8:00. Come have a beer on Craig and help us celebrate the many wonderful things he did in his lifetime.

Other than exercise and Tuesday I have lots of empty space again on my calendar this week. It is doing me good to sit in this empty space and allow it to refill my soul. I had forgotten how to slow down and be. I will someday soon pick up something new to fill my time but am allowing myself not to rush into anything right now. I still have lots of grief to process and allow to rise to the surface of my awareness. Three deaths in one month has drained me completely. It will take time to refill and adjust to life without some precious loved ones.

Grateful for a quiet day at home, grateful the peanut butter balls are made, and grateful for a beautiful spring day after the storms last night.

Kathy and I decided to do our cemetery drive this morning. There is a possibility of a storm this evening so wanted to be home before that happened. We each took a dog for a walk and then we loaded up and left.

We stopped at the Dollar General store in Cottonwood Falls for flowers but they didn’t have any left. Decided to go to Marion and take a chance there instead of driving all the way to Emporia and back again.

I stopped at the gas station on Highway 50 to fill the car with gas but the card reader wasn’t working and I didn’t want to go inside.

I drove us to Marion and found the Dollar General store there. Kathy has an eagle eye and spotted some artificial flowers up on a top shelf when we first walked in the store. Grateful she did as they only had one flower where they belonged. I pulled down the boxes Kathy spotted and found 15 of them. I also needed two big bottles of Diet Coke for Tuesday so got those.

The clerk that checked us out was busy but she worked quickly and we got through the long line. She scanned a coupon of some sorts for us that gave us $5 off my order. That was nice.

We then stopped at a gas station in Marion and I filled the car up. I avoided the Casey’s in both Cottonwood Falls and Marion as last time I filled up at Casey’s they put a $150 hold on my checking account that stayed there for several days. That was in addition to the $45 worth of gas I had purchased. I don’t like when a company does that so unless I have no other option, I will no longer buy gas at Casey’s.

We went to the Hillsboro cemetery, then we went to Florence and came home via the Chase County Fishing Lake road and stopped at the Cottonwood Falls cemetery. We left 15 flowers today.

Came home and then we walked up to the old grade school building. They are having a car show and other things going on today. We did a quick tour of the going’s on and then came back home. I had taken some cash in case I wanted to get a hot dog but then decided to take my sweater off before we walked. I had put the cash in my sweater pocket and neither one of us had any cash on us. I ate a quick lunch when we got back home and then laid down and took a nap.

Found out the family reunion that is held annually is still on for Monday. I had forgotten about it and hadn’t heard for sure if it was a go this year. Don’t know if I will go or not. We have my aunt’s funeral Tuesday and most of the people that will go on Monday will go on Tuesday. Not sure I have it in me to go two days in a row. The lunch is at 12:30 and I have to be in Emporia Monday at 2:00 for exercise. I guess I could use that as my excuse to slip out early. Not sure it makes sense to only go for an hour though. I won’t be able to eat as I can’t eat before exercise. We shall see what I decide to do.

I still need to do some house cleaning today. Tomorrow I want to start making some of the desserts I am taking Tuesday. When Uncle Jack died a year ago I took some chocolate covered peanut butter balls that everyone liked so thought I would make those again this time. I can make them a day or two in advance and they stay good. Most of the other stuff I will make on Monday.

I think I am going to paint the dining room and living room this week. After Tuesday I have a fairly free week ahead of me and have plenty of time to get it done. The rooms aren’t very big and the thing that will take the most time is moving things out of the way to paint. If I remember, I will stop and pick up some paint when I am in town Monday if the stores are open. If they aren’t open, I will get it Wednesday when I go in for exercise.

Looks like the storm should be here late evening tonight. We are in a heightened tornado possibility for the evening. We have bright blue skies now so hard to think that in six to eight hours we could be getting severe stuff rolling in. Maybe we will get lucky again and it will go around us again. We could use more rain but sure trust we don’t get the hail and tornadoes with it.

Tonight is the alumni banquet in Hartford. I’m not up to going and I think Kathy has decided not to go too. With the bad weather coming in, it doesn’t make sense to get out in it to go. Sitting and having small talk with people I am not great friends with sounds painful to me. Yes, I knew these people over 50 years ago but things have changed and I don’t really know them now. I hate small talk and the setting is a large crowd where it is hard to go deep with anyone. Just not my bag!

It was a beautiful day for a drive through the Flint Hills today. The hills are a brilliant shade of green and lots of wild flowers blooming as a result of the rain we have gotten this month. Felt good to see wide open spaces away from the trees today. We were one of the first to visit the graves this year. It always brings back a lot of memories for us when we go. I wonder who will visit the graves after Kathy and I are gone?

Grateful for the memories of loved ones from the other side today, grateful for lazy afternoon naps, and grateful for another beautiful day on the prairie today.

I can now publicly say that my Aunt Glenda passed away Thursday morning. We wanted to wait to make sure all family were notified before anything was posted on-line. Aunt Glenda was my mother’s sister. There were four girls in that family and Aunt Marylyn is the last one now.

Aunt Glenda has always been an important person in my life. I remember as a child going to spend time with her during the summer. She would always make doll clothes for me – she even trimmed them with rick rack and pretty buttons. She made time at her house a magical time for me.

When I was a single mother with Jason, I had to go to Chicago for training for two weeks, Aunt Glenda babysat Jason for me. She spoiled him and made the time with her magical for him too.

I think I always knew I was loved by her – as did the rest of the family. Family meant everything to Aunt Glenda and she mothered all of us. I will miss her wisdom and guidance. She was 90 years old and lived a very full and rich life. We will all carry her in our hearts forever. Her services are going to be Tuesday at 11:00 at the Methodist Church in Marion. Burial will be in Florence immediately after her memorial service and then there will be a lunch at the lake house at the Marion Lake following the burial.

I went to Emporia mid afternoon for exercise. I did my 48 minutes of seated yoga and then went to Walmart for groceries. I had a rather long list of things to get this time so it took me a bit to gather them all up. Finally got everything and got out of there. Just as I was about to check out I got a text that my thyroid prescription medication was ready so I was able to get that today. Saved me a trip into Walmart later.

Got everything carried in and unpacked when I got home. I am fixing desserts for the funeral luncheon Tuesday so will have fun in the kitchen this weekend fixing things. It will be my first time making desserts in this kitchen so hoping it will go well.

No plans for the weekend. Kathy and I will do the cemetery run sometime this weekend but not sure yet when we are going. It is to be stormy tomorrow so will do our best to avoid the storm. We need to go to cemeteries in Florence, Hillsboro and Cottonwood Falls. It takes us about two to three hours to hit all 15 graves that we decorate.

I forgot to do my exercises yesterday so will try to remember to do them tomorrow. They only take about 16 minutes so don’t take much time – just need to remember to do them.

I need to clean house sometime this weekend. The floors need hand scrubbed. It doesn’t seem overwhelming to think about cleaning this house. I can almost do the whole house in the time it took me to do two or three rooms at the country house. I will probably also need to mow sometime this weekend. With the bit of rain we have gotten, the grass is growing fast.

I got a detailed medical form I had to fill out for the plant medicine retreat I am going to in July. They sometimes have limitations on who can participate in the retreat. Trusting all will be clear for me to go as I have already paid for the retreat and booked the flights. I got that filled out and returned today. I had to do it on my phone so it took a bit to get it all filled out. I find typing on my phone to be a bit of a burden but I got it done.

Next week looks fairly quiet. I will have exercise three days, the funeral on Tuesday and I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday. I won’t get a stay at home day all week. Good thing I will get at least one this weekend.

Sitting in a good head space today. I am able to hold myself above the neutral level which is always my goal for the day. I noticed today I didn’t come home from town drained like I have been lately so maybe I am starting to be able to hold my light when I am out and about. Thinking it wouldn’t take very long to drain but good to know I can go shopping for a bit and hold my own.

Grateful for the love and life of Aunt Glenda, grateful for a quiet weekend at home, and grateful for this beautiful spring day.

Another night of very little sleep. I don’t think I fell asleep until around 5:30 this morning. I got a phone call at 7:00 so it was a short night of sleep. I did take a short morning nap of about 45 minutes before I went to Topeka.

The guy from yesterday dropped off the bill for the work he did in the yard hauling in gravel and cleaning out the old shop and picking up rocks from the yard. The bill was about what I expected it to be.

I went to Topeka for my Endocrinologist appointment. This time I saw the Nurse Practitioner instead of the doctor. It was almost a waste of time to go but that box is marked off for another six months. I needed a refill of my prescription for thyroid medication and she did that so I guess I accomplished something.

Came home afterwards as I didn’t have anything else I needed to do in Topeka. Tried to take another short nap but didn’t have any luck. I had to be in Emporia for a meeting at 5:30. Got out of the meeting at 7:00 and came home. This was a final meeting of the year for taxes. Not sure it was worth going to town for but check that one off my list too.

I need to take the dogs on another walk for the evening so they will get tired and settle in for the night. They have been a bit restless today and have wanted to go out and chase squirrels all day. When I walked them this morning they both did their business.

It is starting to thunder so may have some weather coming in. We are to get some severe stuff on Saturday. Hoping we get rain but not the wind and hail. Kathy and I may go decorate graves tomorrow afternoon and get that done so we aren’t out in the weather on Saturday. We shall see how the day goes tomorrow. Kathy has to work in the morning and I have exercise tomorrow at 2:00.

I got the paperwork I had mailed to Social Security back today. I had to sign for it. Grateful I decided to mail it as it sped things up by three weeks. Grateful the papers were returned safely.

Hoping to have a quiet holiday weekend at home. So far I don’t have anything on my calendar for the weekend after I finish exercise tomorrow. I’m not sure if I will have exercise on Monday or not. It may get changed to a different day due to the holiday. Looking forward to a couple days at home with nothing pressing to get done.

The tree guy didn’t come today and I haven’t heard from him. Not sure what is going on with him. It may have been too wet yet for him to get his truck in the back yard. Wish he would let me know his plans. Guess it really doesn’t matter as long as he gets the job done – sooner or later.

Haven’t heard from my high school kid that is to help me get the dog kennel here from Emporia and then help me set it up. I am on a list to have a permanent fence built later this summer. That might happen before the kennel gets here at this rate.

My accountant was to have gotten back to me on the amount of estimated tax payments I need to make. I did get an email from her today so I know she is working on it. I am curious what she estimates my additional tax liability will be due to a couple of things going on different this year. I have till June to have to make the first estimate so still have next week to get what I need from her.

Sitting in a good head space tonight, although I am very tired. I have a family situation going on again this week that is in the background. Things tend to come in groups for three so hoping this will be the last one for a bit. We have had our share this month!

Still adjusting to empty space. I have to keep reminding myself to relax into it and give myself permission to allow it to be. I have been so busy the last couple of months that the empty space fills uncomfortable right now. It is allowing me to catch up to myself though and I am starting to slow down a bit. I noticed today my mind was not racing like it has been the last couple of months. Ahhhh…. Funny how stepping out of empty space makes one forget to slow down and breathe and allow that to be the purpose of the day. It is good to be back into having empty space.

Grateful for a safe trip to and from Topeka today, grateful the paperwork I had sent to Social Security arrived back home safely , and grateful for empty space that is allowing me to slow down.

I have had a lazy feeling day today. My get up and go got up and left the body without me. I had to take a nap this afternoon even though I actually slept last night. The more sleep I give my body, the more it wants.

I walked the dogs this morning one by one. When I got home with Roxy after having walked Sophia, the guys showed up to work on the back yard. I think there were three high school/college aged guys and then the man that I contracted to do the work. They quickly cleaned out the old shop and filled a dump trailer with stuff from it.

They left to dump it and then they were going to fill their dump trailer with gravel and return. I had to go to Emporia for exercise before they returned.

I stopped at my Chiropractor and got my weekly adjustment and then went to exercise. I could have fallen asleep during exercise today. We did gentle chair yoga stretches and it was relaxing. I barely could stay awake to drive home afterwards though. I needed to stop and pick up a few groceries but I wanted to get home in case the guy and crew needed something. I will get them Friday when I go to town again.

The guys had returned and filled in between the new shed and the old foundation with gravel. They were working on removing piles of rocks and cinder blocks from the back fence line.

I talked to the guy in charge and then took a nap. By the time I woke up they were done and gone. The yard looks so much better. They did leave a big pile of dirt though that I wished they had flattened but he may be coming back to do that. I didn’t get to talk to him when he was done. I have a much bigger yard to mow now that the obstacle course of rocks has been removed. The gravel around the shed looks nice too.

The tree guy didn’t come today but not sure there would have been room for him to work with the other crew here today. The tree guy has a very heavy truck so it needs to be good and dry for him to do his thing without leaving a deep tire trail through the yard.

The guy from today is to bring me an invoice tomorrow. Not sure how much that will be but whatever it is will be worth it. Most of the stuff the guys lifted today was much too heavy for me to lift and I didn’t have anything to put it in to make it go away anyways. Sure feels good to have that big project taken care of.

What an absolutely beautiful day it has been today. The temperature has only reached the mid 70’s, little to no wind and bright blue skies. I turned off the A/C and have let the sounds of the birds chirping back in the house. Sure would like more of days like today in KS.

Tomorrow I have to go to Topeka to the Endocrinologist. My appointment is at 2:00 so will have to leave around 12:30. I have a dinner to go to in Emporia at 5:30. Not sure I want to make two trips to town to go to the dinner so we shall see what I do. I might skip the dinner.

I was going to try to rent a U-Haul tomorrow morning and get Tagen to help me get a dog kennel but that seems to much to me since I have to leave for Topeka at 12:30. I will do that another day soon. I sure wish I could let the dogs outside for most of the day when it is as nice as today is. Last time I rented a U-Haul it took almost an hour to do the paperwork and I don’t want to stress out tomorrow about time.

Saturday is the Alumni Banquet dinner in Hartford. Kathy is thinking about going but I am not going. Just not my thing. I don’t have any holiday weekend plans so will probably stay home. Sometime Kathy and I will take a drive and put flowers out at cemeteries around here for our ancestors. We have 15 graves we decorate when we do our little trip.

Next week is looking empty for the most part. I will have exercise in town three times and I have a doctor’s appointment Thursday with my regular doctor to have him check out my hips. Not sure he can do anything but they are starting to limit how long I can walk each day and want something done about that if possible.

It is nice to have lots of empty space ahead of me. One of the reasons I made this big move was to create more empty space in my life. It is nice not to have the responsibility of that big house and property to care for. This house and lots feel much more manageable.

Think I will spend the evening reading and sitting on the front porch enjoying this beautiful weather. I will need to take the dogs on another long walk but other than that have nothing I have to do today. It feels so good to be able to take do nothing days and relax into the empty space that has been created.

Grateful for strong kids and their willingness to take on hard, heavy jobs, grateful to adults that work with young kids and do hard, heavy jobs, and grateful for an evening of empty space.

This has been a day full of empty space. I am doing my best to relax into it and allow it to refill my soul. I feel something opening within that hasn’t been open or a long time. Ahhh……

I was surprised by a phone call from Social Security today. They had received my paperwork and the lady said she had a free moment and called ahead of schedule. I am good to go with divorced spouse benefits. They will be sending me a makeup check for April and then starting next month will receive the new higher monthly amount.

The lady that called was very capable and easy to talk to. The call only took about five minutes and things got taken care of. That was easy!

What a blessing this will be for me. I have struggled to make ends meet with what I had been getting from Social Security. I do my best to live off of that and not touch my savings but haven’t been successful at that this last year or so. I could cover my regular monthly bills but any extra stuff that happened had to come out of savings. Grateful for an ease in stress for my financial situation.

Tomorrow the gravel is to be delivered for the shed and the yard clean up project is to get underway. Not sure when the tree guy is coming. He thought he would make it out sometime this week. He may have gotten some emergency calls due to the storm Sunday night. What he is doing for me isn’t urgent so it can wait if someone had a tree over their house or car.

I may rent a U-Haul Thursday and have my grandson help me get some dog fencing here from Emporia. My high school kid has gotten busy doing farm work and that is much more urgent than what I need him to do. I have to go to Topeka Thursday afternoon but I think we would have time to get it done Thursday morning. Sure would be nice to be able to put the dogs outside during the day. I have to bring them in at night or else they will bark all night. Not sure my neighbors would appreciate that.

Sophia and I walked down to the city office building today to deliver the application for a permit so I can have the old shop go away. I didn’t ask when the next council meeting is that will approve the permit. I haven’t heard when the shop might go away so trusting the timing of all of this works.

I broke down and turned on the A/C today. I have had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights and am hoping the cooler bedroom will help with that. Kathy doesn’t like A/C so I told her if she wanted her bedroom window open, she could keep her bedroom door closed. I needed to cool down a bit. I do feel better this afternoon since I am not dripping in sweat.

It is to possibly storm again this evening and then it is to cool down for the next week or so. I may end up turning off the A/C again if it cools down. I do enjoy fresh air blowing in but when it gets above 80 in the house, that is too hot for me. I don’t handle heat well.

Tomorrow I have to go to Emporia at noon for exercise. I need a few things from Walmart so will stop and get those things while I am in town. I may do a pickup order if I remember to do so. That always saves me money as I don’t buy impulsively that way.

I need to start thinking of things to do on days I don’t have to go to Emporia for exercise. All of a sudden I have lots of empty space and I want to be intentional about how I start to fill it up. Meeting with friends and family is at the top of my list of things to do. I do better in many ways when I take time to do that on a regular basis.

I called the KU Research Exercise program today and got my 26 week test scheduled for August. I have to repeat the cognitive three hour test. At the end of the program I will repeat it one more time in addition to repeating the physical test and MRI and blood work. Hard to think I will be half way through the first week of August.

Still haven’t heard back from my builder. I met with him the middle of April and he was to get back to me in two to three weeks with the cost estimates. I think I will sit on this for a bit and wait for him to contact me. I am comfortable in this house and thinking about starting the building project seems too big to me right now. It will happen when the timing is right.

Sitting in a good head space today. Things seem to be falling into place for me without effort. I love when that happens. The more I notice it and am grateful for it happening, the more it seems to happen. I have been in this house for three weeks now and am very pleased with how quickly things have gotten taken care of.

Grateful for the surprise phone call from Social Security today, grateful for divorced spouse benefits, and grateful for things happening without effort around me.

We got lucky and didn’t have any wind damage from the storms that rolled through here last night. Jason has some big limbs down at his house in Emporia. Sounds like others around had damage too.

I contacted a guy that hauls gravel and hauls things away. He stopped by this morning and is going to bring lots of gravel to put around the shed on Wednesday. He is bringing some strong high school/college kids to help put it in place. They are then going to clean up my yard and the old shop. It may take them all day Wednesday to get it all cleaned up and make it all go away. So grateful they will do that job for me.

I also got the name of a tree trimmer. He came by today to check out my back fence line. He is going to work on it this week and clear it out. He kept asking me if this tree or that tree should go. I finally told him to use his best judgment and clean it out as if it was his property. He smiled and said I can do that. Yay!

Since the guys are going to clean out the old shop, Kathy and I needed to get the stuff we had put in there out of there and put in the new shed. The shed was full so we had to spend the morning reorganizing the shed. I took most everything out of it and then put things back in. Kathy brought the stuff from the shop so we knew what we had to put in the shed.

I have to get rid of some things as it all won’t fit. I found someone that will take eight extra folding chairs I had. I still have a small shop vac that needs a new home. Anyone need one? The rest of the stuff I didn’t want I put in the old shop and the guys will make it all go away Wednesday. I‘m too tired to try to use Marketplace.

I would work for a bit and then have to take a break. I kept working up a really good sweat and was dripping wet at times. I don’t do well in the heat and today the humidity was very high and it was warm. Grateful for Kathy’s help.

It feels so good to get three jobs taken care of. I was surprised both guys could do the job this week. I figured I would get on a list and they would get to me sometime sooner or later. I didn’t have either one of them give me a bid as both jobs have some unpredictable things going on with them. I trust both of the contractors and trust they will be fair with me.

My high school guy was to have met me today at Tractor Supply at 3:00 to get the dog kennel but he didn’t show up or get back in touch with me. May have to find someone else to do that job. I’m hoping that the high school kids that come Wednesday are hard workers and I can get the names and numbers of them so I can call on them for other jobs in the future.

I went to Emporia for exercise at 2:00. Today we did gentle seated yoga which was perfect for me today. I felt like I got a much better workout reorganizing the shed before I went to exercise.

I stopped at City Hall and got tags for my two dogs and one cat. They are only $1 each since all three have been fixed. I also picked up the permit application so the old shop can be demolished. It can take a couple weeks to get approval for the permit so thought I better get that started so when the guy is ready to make the shop go away I have the permit in hand.

Wow! I got lots of things done today with the help of two contractors. My to-do pending list is getting shorter by the day. If I can only find someone to haul a dog kennel for me and help set it up I will be good to go for a bit. Things are falling into place for me and I am grateful.

I don’t have anything on my calendar for tomorrow so am hoping I can get a stay at home day. I don’t have anything left on my to-do list so I may get to take a lazy day at home. That will be a nice change. It feels freeing to not have anything on my to-do list.

Life is slowing down for me right now. Things feel manageable and easy right now. This is why I made the big move to allow space for that to happen for me. Simplifying my life feels so right to me right now. I am looking forward to seeing what opens up as a result.

Grateful for Kathy’s help reorganizing the shed today, grateful for two contractors that are going above and beyond to help me out today, and grateful for a simpler life style.

Went out this morning first thing and finished painting the shed. Kathy had to come help me do the peak of the shed in the front of it. It has a ramp where I needed to put the ladder. Kathy is four inches taller than I am and could reach the peak. Good to have her help and good to have that job done.

I also hung the last of the pictures. Yay! I put away all the tools I had sitting around waiting for me to get that job done. Nice to be able to cross two big things off my to-do list today.

The only thing I have left to do as far as moving in, is reorganize the shed. I need to pull most everything out and put it back in better organized. It is too hot to do that job today. I also need some muscle to move two storage racks that are too heavy for me to move. They got put in the wrong place on moving day.

The only urgent thing about reorganizing the shed is getting the stuff out of the old shop and into the shed before the guys come to tear down the old shop. I’m not sure when they are coming and I’m not sure they will give me much notice when they do come. I don’t have room in the shed right now for the stuff that is in the old shop but am hoping once I get the shed better organized it will all fit. What doesn’t fit will have to go away.

I still have several projects I need done but am waiting on someone else to be able to cross those things off my list. I need gravel put around the shed and the old foundation that surrounds it. I need a dog pen or fence of some sort set up in the yard so the dogs can go out and stay outside by themselves. I have lots of bricks and other stuff that needs hauled off. I need the back fence line cleaned out and trees cut down. The big brush pile needs burned and then cleaned up afterwards. None of those projects are things I am willing to tackle and I need to find someone to do them.

I am sitting in empty space this afternoon since I completed my to-do list. It feels both heavenly and scary. It will allow me to pick up something new and I am not sure what that will look like or be yet. Life does feel simpler and easier for me. I have lots of options and choices I can choose from. Right now, sitting in empty space and breathing is what I am choosing to do. The last couple of months have been full of chaos and change and it is going to take me a bit of time to settle completely in. Time to slow things down and find a new rhythm and way of being.

I have a relatively quiet week ahead. I do have to go to Topeka for a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I will go to Emporia three times for exercise. I also have a dinner to go to Thursday evening if I get back from Topeka on time. I am grateful I have a quiet week ahead so I can continue to settle completely in and slow things down.

Grateful for Kathy’s help getting the shed painted, grateful all the pictures are hung, and grateful for empty space.

Had trouble finding sleep again last night. Finally feel asleep around 4:30 this morning. Dang! This is getting old and exhausting.

I went out last night and started painting the new shed. Got it about 1/3 done last night. Went out this morning and painted some more. It is about 3/4 done now. Went out this afternoon and did some ladder work on it but it was too hot to stay out for long. I will try to get out in the morning and finish it up. Shouldn’t take more than an hour.

I took a nap this afternoon. I feel hungover and cranky this afternoon. My mind went down a rabbit hole and I am having trouble pulling myself out of it. I have a situation with someone and I don’t know what to do about it. They have crossed my boundaries once too often and I need to give myself a time-out from them for a bit. The timing sucks but it is what it is. Sometimes I have to step up and take care of myself first.

I think the unsettled feelings I am having is because this feels new and weird to me to set my boundaries. I am in that in-between stage where I have no idea of how this is going to go. All I can do is take care of myself and keep telling myself their reaction is their issue and I am not responsible for it. Man! This is hard sometimes.

My neighbor is cutting down a big row of bushes between his property line and mine. We decided last night that a short privacy fence would look better. The bushes are overgrown and not very pretty. He has them about half way done. Since this is on the property line, he is doing the labor and I will pay for materials.

I have a big burn pile in my backyard from limbs that had fallen during storms over the last year or so. He is adding the brush to it and then will supervise burning it. Since the pile is so big, he has to notify the authorities and get their permission to burn it. He did that when I first bought this property. Sure will save him a lot of time and energy not to have to haul the bushes off in his pickup.

I don’t like the look of the big pile of limbs, etc in the yard but will tolerate it for a bit. Hoping it doesn’t get too dry too fast and we won’t be able to burn it quickly. Not sure I want that pile in my yard all summer.

Nothing on the calendar for tomorrow. It has been nice to get to stay home all day today and do whatever I want to do, even if that is nothing. It did feel good to get out and paint and do some physical labor. I have all this angst and needed to work some of it out. It will be good to get something crossed off my to-do list this weekend.

It feels weird to have lots of empty space again. It has been a long time since that has opened for me. Not sure what to do with it. I find myself procrastinating on doing things on my to-do list as I am not sure what I will do when that list is empty. Guess I should work my way through it and see what happens. When I anticipate things, I make them into something they are not in reality.

I sure don’t like this heat. It reached over 90 today. I do not do well in hot weather. I’m afraid we are in for another hot, hot summer in KS this year. I’m grateful I put in central air so the house will be comfortable. I didn’t turn it on today as I am managing with the use of the ceiling fans and tower fan. this house doesn’t have solar so I have to pay for A/C. It is still cooling down nicely at night so I will tough out a couple hours during the day for a bit longer.

I need to get hold of my high school student that does work for me occasionally. I had asked him a week ago to do something for me and he promised he would do it one day last week and that didn’t happen. I may have to find someone else to do a couple of jobs for me. Not sure who I can find but will start looking if necessary. Tagen is taking four collage classes this summer and working full-time so he doesn’t have any free time to help.

Life can be easy on some days and hard on others. This is one of the hard ones. I’m grateful to know that hard days don’t last forever and soon I will have more easy ones. Sure don’t like the hard ones but if I didn’t know the hard ones, how would I know the ones that are easy? My mentor used to tell me the farther I can go in both directions, the more joy I can find in life.

Grateful the shed is almost done being painted, grateful for afternoon naps, and grateful that this too shall pass.

I slept last night. At last! Went to bed at 6:30 last night. I woke up at 10:30 and thought it was time to get up. I managed to go back to sleep. I woke up about every two hours but each time went back to sleep until about 6:00 this morning. I was overdue for a long night’s sleep.

This has felt like Saturday to me for some reason. I had to set an alarm on my phone so I would remember to go to exercise today.

Kathy went out this morning and did lots of yard work. I went out late morning and mowed with the riding mower. I got along better with it today but I am still learning how to operate it. I think it is easier to push mow in tight places rather than use the rider as it doesn’t turn quickly and easily. Kathy finished up the push mowing while I was at exercise. The yard is looking much better already and we still have lots to clean up.

I went to town early afternoon. I needed to stop at my insurance agent’s office to drop off another insurance policy. One of the other rental’s insurance is coming due and I am switching them all to the same company.

I did my 47 minutes of exercise. This week’s exercises were stretches and the time went fast. By Friday I am good at them and then next Monday I start another new set.

Stopped by Walmart afterwards and picked up a few groceries. I also needed another choke chain and leash for the dogs. They didn’t have the right leash but I got one that will work until I can find the one I am looking for. Came home after Walmart. I had to stop for gas at the Strong City gas station as I forgot to get gas in Emporia.

Phil got the new push button door locks installed this afternoon. I got the front door programmed and still need to do the back door. It will be nice not to have to use a key to get in the house all the time. He also got the wheel chair ramp put up to the shed. The ramp that came with the shed was too steep for my mower. Hoping the wheel chair ramp will allow me to drive my mower into the shed.

I need to get the shed cleaned out and organized so there is room for the mower. Maybe I can talk Tagen into coming out one day soon and helping me with that project. I need some shelving units moved in the shed and they are too heavy for me to move.

Kathy and I got a screen installed. Now all the windows have screens. One thing at a time and I am working my way through my to-do list. Still have four more pictures to hang and a thingy to hang from the ceiling and then I will be done inside. Not bad for just over two weeks being in this house. It already feels like home.

I did some cleaning this morning. It is so nice to be able to pick up and straighten up this house in under 30 minutes. So much easier and faster to clean than the country house.

I took the dogs on long walks this morning. Sophia did her business but Roxy never did. Kathy took them on a walk midday and Roxy did her business then. They sure enjoy our walks and it is good to get me out walking each day a couple times too.

As far as I know, I get to stay home all weekend. I am way overdue for a quiet weekend at home. Nothing urgent on my to-do list so I can do whatever I want for the next two days. I need this time to refill my soul. I have been running on empty for the last month and it is going to take time to refill and to be able to hold my light. A couple quiet days at home will help get that process started.

Next week is fairly quiet. I have exercise in Emporia on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursday I have a doctor’s appointment in Topeka in the afternoon. The rest of the week is wide open with empty space.

I mailed the papers to Social Security. I sent them certified, return receipt requested so I will have proof that they get them. It seemed too complicated to find an office to take them too. Trusting I made the right decision.

Life seems to be slowing down a bit for me and time is opening back up for me. My to-do list is the shortest it has been for a long time. I will have lots of empty space on my calendar and that feels like a blessing. I have some friends and relatives I need to go visit and I will have time to do that soon. This move was the right thing for me to do. I feel the stress falling off of me. Life already feels simpler and less complicated in several ways.

Grateful for Phil and his help today, grateful for an empty weekend ahead, and grateful for the yard work Kathy is doing.

Pulled an all nighter last night. NO sleep at all. I just could not fall asleep. Around 4:00 decided to get up and stay up for the night as I was getting frustrated and it was making the situation worse.

Got the dining room pictures hung this morning. Still need to put some up in my bedroom and then that project will be done. Not sure I like what is in the dining room. Can’t tell if I don’t like the way I hung them or the combination of pictures. I may play with them for a bit another day. I need to repaint the dining room and living room someday soon so am not too worried about extra nail holes.

Went to Emporia mid morning and met with my accountant. She needed to do some tax calculations for me as I need to make some estimated tax payments this year so I don’t get penalized next year. I used the country house as an AirBnb and retreat center so claimed some depreciation. Since I sold the house, I have to repay what I had claimed. I also will have some additional income this year due to the big raise I am getting in Social Security checks and interest income due to the sale of the house.

She is to get that all figured and send me the tax coupons so I can make three quarterly tax estimated payments to both federal and state. Good to get that all taken care of.

Found out my tax accountant is a local Chase County gal. She graduated from Chase County High School some years back. I kinda know her mother. It is a small world.

This afternoon I went to the Court House. I needed to register to vote at my new address, change the address on my property tax statement, change the address on my car tags, and change the address on my driver’s license and get it renewed. Got all that taken care of in less than 15 minutes. I love small court houses. Connie escorted me to the three different offices I needed to go to. Service at its finest!

I couldn’t read the numbers with my left eye when I did the eye test. I had no trouble with the right eye so he passed me. The left eye is the eye that I only see the S and P in the STOP sign. I have some weird blood vessel abnormality that causes a break in my vision. I’m grateful I could pass with only one good eye.

I haven’t gotten much done in the house today except for hanging some pictures. I am too tired to do much. I did get several things crossed off my to-do list though with the trip to Emporia and the trip to the Court House. Feels good to have gotten all those things taken care of.

Tomorrow afternoon I have exercise at 2:00 in Emporia. I don’t think I have any errands to take care of while I am there so it will be a quick trip to town.

I did box up two smaller boxes of canned goods that I need to find a place to donate them to. I am working on cleaning out my food pantry shelves and reducing the number of items I have in it. It is too crowded and I can’t find anything right now. Slowly but surely I am working my way through it and pulling out extra stuff to get rid of.

No plans for the weekend. I hope to get to stay home both days. I need some quiet days at home. This week has been jammed packed and I need two days at home.

Although I am very tired today, I have managed to stay above the neutral level. Sure wish I could figure out why I don’t sleep. Last night was the worst it has ever been. Thinking I may crash tonight – sure hope so anyways.

I have walked the dogs three times today and I walked to the court house this afternoon. Trying to get some extra exercise in hoping that will help the sleep issue. I need to do my stretches yet today that I do twice a week as part of the KU Research Project. They only take 16 minutes so it isn’t a big deal. I forget about them sometimes though.

We got a bit of a storm during the night. I had thought I would be able to sleep after it passed through. We were on the very edge of the storm system and didn’t get much wind or rain. I love hearing the thunder roll and the sound of the rain falling. I miss being able to watch the storms roll in like I could at the country house. I can’t see the horizon here very well – too many trees.

It has cleared off this afternoon and is warming up. I’m hoping tomorrow will be nice and dry so I can get some painting done if the mood hits me. The shed I got only has primer on it and needs a coat of paint. I also need to get the inside of it cleaned out and organized. I put some stuff in the old shop and need to make room to move all that stuff into the shed. Some guys are going to come take down the shop one of these days and I need it ready for them when they come. I can’t guarantee that they will give me much advanced notice when they are ready to take the shop down.

Trying to decide if I want to mail original documents to Social Security or drive to Salina, Manhattan or Topeka to drop them off in person. I have to go to Topeka next week for a doctor’s appointment so could take them then. They have to scan them for my appointment June 10. I have to have original documents and I hate to mail them in case they get lost. What would I do then? Not sure how long it will take if I drop them off. My doctor appointment is at 2:00 so by the time I get out it may be close to 3:00 before I could get to the office. I wonder how long the line will be at that time of day. I could go before but what time would be best? Why does this feel hard? Maybe I just need to make a special trip on a free day when I have all day.

Still need to find someone to clean out the fence line on my property. The two people I had leads on haven’t panned out. One is too busy and the other didn’t return my call. Anyone know of someone that can take down small trees and clean out overgrown green stuff? Too big of job for me to handle.

Grateful I got all the address changes done today, grateful I got the tax situation figured out, and grateful for the sleep I am going to get tonight.

Another mostly non productive day. Just didn’t have much energy today. I did walk both dogs for 3/4 miles each this morning. Roxy was hard to handle but Sophia did well. Both did their business.

I went to Emporia late morning to meet up with Tagen so we could get his summer school fees paid. We went to the Vo Tech together. When I had called last week they told me an approximate amount. The amount he had to pay today was about 1/3 what they had told me. I have a feeling they will be calling him soon to let him know he didn’t pay enough. The person that helped us today didn’t have any power to do anything except accept a check for the amount on the screen. The people that needed to fix it were not available. Hope they will let him start classes later this week. We shall see what happens.

I hung out with Tagen for a bit afterwards as I had an hour to kill before it was time for me to do exercise. I always enjoy visiting with him so that was a fun hour. We stopped and got him some lunch and then took it to his house so he could eat.

I went to exercise and did my 45 minutes of stretching today. They are fairly easy this week and are working my arms and legs. The time goes fast and we don’t have to do a circuit of them which is nice.

I stopped afterwards and had lunch and then came home and took a nap. This has been a low energy type of day for me. Maybe the emotion of yesterday caught up to me and what my body seemed to need today was extra rest.

After my nap I went back to Emporia with Roxy, She has a rather large lump on her chest. They stuck a needle in it and got some fluid out and tested it. Luckily it is a fatty deposit and nothing to worry about. They can take it off if it starts to bother her but so far she doesn’t seem to mind it. She did well at the office and getting in and out of my car.

I will qualify for additional social security benefits since Craig died. I thought I needed a copy of his death certificate. When I went to order one, the form said if I was not related I needed a letter from the government agency explaining why I needed a death certificate. I called the Salina Social Security office to request a letter from the social security department. The lady that took my call at Social Security said she could look it up for me. She found it and I don’t need to provide a death certificate. I have a phone interview with Social Security the middle of June to complete the application. I have to send the original copy of the divorce decree to them before the phone date. I found the documents I need to send and have them ready to mail by certified mail tomorrow. That was much easier than I expected. I only had to hold for about five minutes.

When Craig and I first had the stores he received a pay check and I didn’t. His social security is much higher than what I get as a result. Since we were married for over 30 years, I qualify for his higher level of benefit. This will be most helpful to me as it has become a challenge to live on my social security amount.

It’s funny how little decisions you make at the time have such an impact on your life years later. I didn’t realize by not earning any money for about ten years under my name and my social security account, the amount I could claim when I retired would be so drastically reduced. I’m grateful for the system that will allow me to make up for that now that Craig has died. I’m just sorry that he had to die for that to happen.

Tomorrow I have to go to Emporia at 10:00 for a meeting with my accountant. I have lots of things going on with the sale of the house, moving into one of my rentals, etc. that may or may not impact my tax liability for this year. I want to touch base with her to make sure we are on top of all of it so I don’t get hit with a tax penalty next year when I file taxes for this year.

Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment to get my driver’s license renewed. I need to change the address on it and since my license expires in August, I am going to go ahead and get it renewed early.

The meeting I had in Emporia tomorrow evening got moved to next week so I only have to make one trip to town tomorrow instead of two. I’m grateful for that. Friday I will have to go again for exercise class in the afternoon. I won’t be surprised if I will need to go by the Vo-Tech and pay some more for Tagen’s classes.

So far I don’t have anything on my calendar for the weekend. I’m hoping I will get to stay home both days but we shall see what happens.

Hoping tomorrow I will be able to get some things done. I seem to move forward two steps and then fall back three. This was a fall back day. I will offer myself some grace and allow it to be what it is and allow myself to take a day of rest. Everything that needs done can wait another day or two or three. Grateful I have the freedom to be able to take a day off if that is what my body is asking for.

I finally got the information about the trip to Costa Rica. It is a bit more expensive than I had hoped but I am going. I need to take good care of myself and this trip will help me do that. I need something to look forward to after all the changes I have been through these last couple of months. It will be an intense trip but know that it will hold some learnings for me in a very good way. I don’t have to pay for the trip until the first of June so will wait till then to send my payment.

Sitting on the edge of being above the neutral level. I have slipped below a couple times today. My reserve tank is empty and I have no patience or tolerance for anything that goes the least bit wrong today. It will take me some time to completely refill my tank and then to be able to keep it from draining quickly. I’m grateful I know what is happening in my body and spirit and that I know how to offer myself some grace during this time. It doesn’t make the between time easier but since I understand what is happening, it does make it more tolerable.

Grateful for an easy phone call to Social Security today, grateful Roxy’s lump is not serious, and grateful I can take a day and rest and allow myself to not push beyond my limits.